Alright you guys, sorry for the delay, I’ve had to restart this post 20 fucking times because my changes weren’t being saved in the draft and then I kept getting the ‘upload failed’ error. In case you don’t remember wtf is going on you might wanna re-read the last update (I certainly had to) which is apparently from JUNE 2018. Jfc I suck so hard. Now this was gonna be really long but tumblr wouldn’t post it so I’m breaking it up in 3 parts, part 2 to be posted tomorrow. For those that don’t feel like reading back, general recap of the last couple updates:
Jojo cheated on Wyatt with Max Flexor and my solution to that marital crisis was to adopt our first dog ever, a puppy hilariously named Maxx.
The puppy grew up to be an asshole and is constantly beating up the cats, who have turned into giant pussies (no pun intended) and are losing every fight to him despite the fact they’re named after Mortal Kombat characters. They’re a fucking disgrace to Alegra’s/Victor’s/Ronroneo’s memory and I haven’t settled on a cat heir yet because they both suck.
Jojo is perma miserable, I don’t even remember how much money away from his 100k LTW, and still not a werewolf despite my pathologically persistent attempts to make him friends with the wolf.
Fucking useless Wyatt didn’t get promoted while Komei was alive providing us with his 100 townie friends, we spent 20 updates befriending every rando that crossed our lot to secure his promotion, and then finally on the day he was supposed to become Captain Hero, Wyatt got, of course, fired and is now on track to take longer to complete his literal career based LTW than Komei took to get 6 pets on the top of their careers.
Absolutely everyone hates noogie addict Shajar, she got a Kylo Ren makeover, and we still don’t know what her sexual orientation is thanks to her ridiculous fitness/fatness turn ons and cleanliness turn off.
Golden child/10 nice points freakshow Cyneswith grew up, rolled romance with the most disturbing turn-ons/offs possible (grey hair/mechanical & charisma turn off) and the 20 simultaneous lovers LTW.
Wulf grew up into a kid, got an Amadeus makeover, is officially a Wyatt clone and the only member of this family I don’t completely hate yet.
Now I’d like to begin the first Union post in more than a year by requesting you do me a solid and lower your expectations for this thing as far down as humanly possible. Like really try to recreate the Jules Verne classic “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with your expectations here, because my brain is so fucking fried that there’s a 20% chance I randomly start citing sources at some point during this post. This grad school crap has seriously been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. And speaking of bad trade deals, let’s get this update rolling with the man, the myth, the legend, the husband who managed to make Komei look like a dreamboat in comparison..
..Wyatt fucking Union, née Monif. It’s been a long time, but I’m not gonna lie to you Wyatt, not nearly long enough. Looking good man, just one small question, where the fuck are your eyebrows?
-You àccidéntally deléted thém, imbécilé, et I cannôt exprèss my irritatiόn prόperly becausé I hàve non eyebrôws!
Did your selective French accent get thicker this past year or is it just me?
-It géts thickér whén je suis distrésséd, givé moi mon eyebrôws bàcc!!!
No can do, brother. Actually can do, but I think the Mona Lisa look is working for you, and more importantly I still hate you, so I’m just gonna hardcore ignore you for the rest of this post if that’s ok. Talk to me when you finally get promoted, aka never the way this shit is going.
-Non! NON! MON EYEBROWS!
It’s been lovely catching up.
Jojό I mean Jojo, goddammit Wyatt, is spending most of his time building robots in the mausoleum (sweet hipster band name alert)..
..giving financial advice in Shajar’s room (inb4 what’s the difference between the mausoleum and Shajar’s room)..
..building evil snowmen alone in the middle of the night, like all mentally healthy middle aged men with 3 kids are wont to do..
..and getting the piss harassed out of him by the cat ghosts in the bathroom (sweet hipster band name alert #2). How is this like the fourth time this happens in the exact same spot, will you just stop autonomously cleaning the bathroom after midnight? It’s obviously where the cats hang out, give it the fuck up already.
-I’m actively TRYING TO DIE you absolute moron, what does a guy have to do to get killed around here?
Yea can’t say that I blame you but not happening, you can commit suicide by Ghost Alegra after the kids fuck off to college, ok? I promise.
-Oh like you promised me being heir was a route worth pursuing??
Um obviously you too need to go back and re-read your own life story, because I spent the entirety of our “““cherished””” time together telling you heirship is a shitty gig at generation 2. And then to top it off you went and married Wyatt to ensure maximum shittiness, so there you go, fucking enjoy. God I am so sick of both of you losers and we’re only 5 pics in. Let’s check in with your spawn, I’m sure they can’t possibly be more annoying than their parents-
-oh right, I forgot, this is the generation with 10/10/9 active points where the party never stops. Cyneswith are you somehow twerking to classical music?
-How else am I gonna attract all those hot senior citizens per my grey hair turn on and 20 lovers LTW?
Ok great yea I see how this is gonna go, you’re trying to entice people into voting you for heir based on how torturous playing this fucked up LTW is gonna be for me, well forget it, my readers are intellectuals and completely above such petty entertainment. (istg mofos, don’t even think about it, i already did Komei’s 5 pets career shit, i will burn this place to the ground if you saddle me with Cyneswith banging the elderly for 30 years)
-No need to worry your stupid little head, I will beat Cyneswith for HEIR just like I beat her HAIR up daily! HAHA!
Shajar no offense but you’re a fucking war crime of a sim, nearly everyone who’s ever met you hates you including your parents, and the fact that you’re the alternative here is really not helping my situation in any way. Also how the fuck are you gonna be heir when the only thing you seem to be attracted to is giving noogies, you’re like one week away from college and I still don’t even know if you’re str8 or gay or bi or w/e the fuck you are. You have Jojo’s personality combined with..
..yes exactly, DANIEL’S SOCIAL ABILITIES. I mean I was joking with the whole ‘Shajar’s the spawn of Satan’ thing, but this combo of traits was clearly drawn up in Hell’s boardroom.
ANYWAY. It’s a snowy Sunday morning, and anyone who has been a teen knows what that means:
Time to go clubbing! Man I remember being like 15, waking up on a freezing Sunday morning and my mom making me a cup of hot chocolate before I drove off to the club. Those were the days.
-Uh, Shaj, when did you learn how to drive?
-Don’t be stupid, Cyneswith, people don’t need to ‘learn’ how to drive.
-They absolutely do, actually.
-Well what can I tell you, the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.
-Here we are, safe and sound! Celebratory noogie!
-YOU RAN OVER 9 PEOPLE
-How many times to I have to explain this to you, Apartment Life townies are not people.
Can’t argue with that logic. Let’s just go in and find out what Shajar’s sexual orientation is once and for all so I can spend the rest of this update aggressively promoting Wulf’s candidacy.
Now I consider ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ one of the dumbest sayings there is, but even I have to concede that this particular picture truly is worth a thousand words. Quick poll, what is more horrifying, Shajar’s literal Joker face or Cyneswith, whom I’ve never seen read a book ever, autonomously pulling one out in the middle of the dance floor, in what I can only assume is an attempt to attract old perverts with the schoolgirl routine?
And I know what some of you are thinking, you’re like ‘bro, you’re just reaching to make a bad joke bro, Cyneswith is just a sweet nice introvert and not like other girls, she doesn’t feel comfortable in the club’, well to that let me reply with another picture that is worth a thousand words:
Yea that’s right, on the first minute of our first time out WE RUN INTO THAT ONE ELDER TOWNIE THAT HAS WRINKLE MAKE UP ON. GODDAMMIT CYNESWITH
Do you guys remember how Jojo was obsessed with Stephen Tinker as a teen? Are you seeing the connection here?? Those kids have literally inherited the worst possible traits from both their parents turned up to 11, it’s fucking unreal.
Right after I get over Wrinkle’s presence I turn around and what do I see, those 2, who have never had a non-noogie physical interaction, autonomously doing the family kiss thing. I didn’t even catch it on time because I was loling irl, we came out here so these assholes can find age-appropriate partners, and instead they’re kissing each other. Seems about right with this family, and clearly Striped Scarf’s dumb ass ships it.
-They look so much alike, it’s meant to be!
Yes, and they even share the same last name! Talk about written in the stars.
Thankfully Abhijeet is here to save us from incest by perving on Cyneswith. GTFO ABHIJEET. Anyone like ‘bro townies just autonomously come to greet your sims on community lots regardless of age, stop calling them perverts’, see you in about 5 pics down.
I try to have Shajar chat up Striped Scarf and suffice it to say Shaj ~stole her heart~ and presumably put it on this stick to wave around.
NO. CYNESWITH NO. I’m seriously having déjà vu of all the times I was like ‘NO. JOJO NO’, jfc.
Shajar is unsurprisingly exhibiting no interest in socializing with anyone around her, instead she’s trying every activity this terribly lit place has to offer, and she looks demented while doing it:
I’m feeling a primal urge to photoshop Darth Vader’s melted helmet on the bowling ball here, someone please remind me to do it for the heir vote photoshoot.
-HA. SUCK IT DENISE JACQUET
That’s Denise Jacquet?! I can’t tell who anyone is for shit anymore. The default replacements are a scourge upon premade brands, I’m getting rid of them pronto. Speaking of scourges, where the hell is your sister?
-Who cares?
I wanna say ‘me’ but we both know that’s a lie.
Oh ok, THERE SHE IS.
-So you see Cyneswith, just because something is technically ‘illegal’, doesn’t mean it’s morally wrong-
Yea yea fascinating stuff, now get out of the hot tub or I will fucking neuter you, I don’t know if a eunuch mod already exists for medieval games but I will make one if it doesn’t.
Here, Cyneswith, drink some water, have a nice G-rated convo with your sister about violins and stop pissing me off.
-First of all this is straight vodka.
Great.
-Secondly Shajar is talking about Mozart’s coprophilia.
-I sure am.
Amazing. Well, I guess it’s at times like these when you need to look inside your heart and truly ask yourself, what did you expect from Jojo’s children.
ABHIJEET ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME TALK ABOUT CASTRATION
-Ha, I went home and put on my most elderly-looking formal wear!
-I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave Ab <3
CYNESWITH SHUT UP. I can’t believe you people are actually making me miss Gunther’s teenage whoring, at least he kept it age appropriate.
-Is some random lady pressing her breasts against my head?
She most certainly is, Shajar, because it is now crystal clear that this bowling alley doubles as the site of annual perv townie convention and we walked right into it-
-and it’s also clear we have serious issues and are enjoying ourselves. Shaj I legit don’t know what to tell you, this is the first time you get along with someone right away and it just had to be the adult with the bad haircut and the flasher’s trench coat???
-You’re damn right it did.
Alright then, I’m officially going to nope out of this situation, safe in the knowledge you’re a noogiesexual and nothing will actually happen with this freak, so I’ll focus on Cyneswith instead who is much more of a loose canon.
Here Cyn, talk to this guy, who I’m 90% sure is the same guy your father rejected in favor of stalking Stephen Tinker when he was your age.
-Ohhhh, he’s dreamy!
Omg really?? Halleluj-
-oh never mind, you were of course referring to adult ass Brandon Lillard. I do like that our townies have recurring roles each generation, we should make rejecting Blondie a rite of passage in this family. We should also officially gtfo because this is happening:
-Um, now that I’m looking at you in harsher lighting, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg.
Oh, thank the fucking lord.
-Let’s celebrate the fact we didn’t get hopelessly obsessed with any adults here by doing the traditional Dance of Normality!
-We beat Dad’s genes, we beat Dad’s genes!
-We’re normal!
Yes, and we’re definitely showing it. Can we please leave now so I can make sure I’ve uninstalled Inteenminator and turn off free will?
-Nop! Venue change!
-Got-out-of-the-car celebratory noogie!
-Made-it-to-the-door celebratory noogie!
Shajar you unironically have a noogie addiction, I’m not kidding in the slightest, you need to see a doctor.
Great, great, not another teen in sight and to top it off Denise followed us here to ensure maximum elder presence. I feel comfortable officially declaring this day a complete waste of time.
God, the vintage pink dress and the pink alcohol combo is some straight up current era Taylor Swift nonsense. That’s it, we’re outta here, back home where no one is lurking, waiting to strike at us-
-SOPHIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO💔💔💔💔💔
-The Lord is my shepherd.
NO HE ISN’T EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T HERD CATS PLEASE DON’T DIE
-Nop, I’m over it. Goodbye heathens, it’s been nice, hope you don’t find your paradise.
UGH SOPHIE, my beloved Westboro lunatic, the last gangsta generation 1 cat we had.. I can’t believe you’re gone and all I’m left with is stupid Goro and D’vorah who can’t even beat up the fucking dog. This is truly painful.
Yes, pets, I agree, Kaylynn is completely to blame for Sophie dying of old age. The time has now come to decide on a cat heir-
-and since Goro ran away like a little bitch after Sophie’s death despite the fact he didn’t even like her, he’s automatically disqualified and will be going off to live on Melody and Daniel’s farm once returned to us. Congratulations to D’vorah I guess, on being the least terrible of two terrible options.
On the topic of terrible heir options, Cyn has non-stop wants to go on dates and have her first kiss and all that crap, and since our Sunday morning clubbing was a bust we invite over the matchmaker.
-Hello there young Union, I see your house has been upgraded since I was last here.
Oh right we haven’t required your services since Daniel was a teen and we lived in a trailer, well we are flush with cash now!
-Hopefully your payment reflects that.
It will!! Just please give us someone good, I can’t deal with single teen Cyn for one more second.
-Oh my, what a beautiful BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.
WHAT!? NO THAT’S 5K IT’S JUST A SNOW GLITCH
-What do I look like to you, a money thawing service?
Does such a service.. exist??
-It does not, so I have to go home and use a hairdryer on this!
Just come inside and we’ll give you non-frozen money!
-No, no, you’ll get what you paid for..
-Have a magical time!
...
.........
......................
Lakshmi this was so fucking evil that I almost want to age you down and see if you and Shajar hit it off.
-As if, the whole neighborhood knows what you did to Komei.
Helped him achieve his insane 6-pets-career LTW?
-Turned him into a servant while your sim was lounging around all day!
Oh yea I did do that. But Wyatt was also a townie and he does literally nothing, Jojo is the servant now!
-Only because Wyatt is too fucking stupid to do things! Word has gotten out, no townie will ever marry in this family again unless they’re brain dead, so it’s Wyatts only for you from now on, sister!
Well this has been a complete fucking disaster. It was great seeing you again, Lakshmi, thanks for the dream date with the adult farting machine, 5k well-spent.
Pretty sure it was you bro, and yes, how about we don’t do that again.
Wyatt has brought over Amanda from work! (Aka Victoria’s only friend and subsequent lesbian lover, who is really pretty and is definitely getting married in at some point, preferably after the brown hair genes have been weakened so we can go back to being gingers.)
-Wow Shajar, your grandmother, God rest her soul, mentioned you were her favorite and now I can see why! Loving the Kylo Ren look!
-Is someone being genuinely nice to me?! What is happening?
-Yes, please stop being nice to her, Amanda, we don’t want her getting used to it.
Jojo istg.
-Cyneswith dear, tell Amanda all about how much money your grandmother left you so she can stop being nice to Shajar.
-Soooo much money, Miss Amanda!
-Ah, what a polite child I’ve single-handedly raised.
-Now, Cyneswith, you really need to get back on the dating scene so you have ample time to find the perfect spouse and continue our line, since you’re clearly the only one of my children that is remotely heir material.
-Dad, Shajar and Wulf are right next to you.
-Oh they are? I’m wearing my special contact lenses that make those disappointments invisible to me, but even better, they need to hear this. Shajar is a noogiesexual and thus incapable of reproduction, and Wulf is not even a Union, I mean have you seen that kid? Wyatt reproduced by himself like the amoeba he is. Now, your grandmother-
-YOU MENTIONED ME 3 TIMES AND HERE I AM
OH FUCK VICTORIA, deleting the default replacements gave you base game hair!!!!
-That’s the part you’re scared by, not my Beetlejuicesque entrance?
There’s literally nothing scarier than your ghost sporting this haircut for all eternity, I’m re-downloading that default immediately.
-Oh mom, so good to see you! Let me just hug my beloved child, Shijer-
-Shajar, dad.
-SHAJAR, let me hug Shajar, like I do all the time.
-I’m glad to see you’re not picking favorites among your children like I did, the way I treated David-
-Daniel, mom.
-DANIEL, is the one thing I’ve truly been regretting in the afterlife. That and not skinning Marisa Bendett alive when I had the chance.
-Well, as you can see by Shajar’s totally normal and not at all shocked reaction to my hug, I am a wonderful, fair, and emotionally available father.
(Bruh this freaked me out so much when it happened, I mean I KNOW it’s an animation glitch but I was convinced my sims had become sentient for a good while after)
-Is your grandmother’s ghost still on the premises?
-Yup.
-When will this nightmare end, paying attention to you is the worst.
-Ok she’s gone.
-FINALLY. Now it’s back to the crypt for you, and don’t you dare go complain to her urn!
-Ah, Stephen, Stephen, my life is crap and I can’t even🎵
And with the knowledge you have composed a theme song for Stephen Tinker, part 1 of the Union comeback update is concluded. Will Shajar’s sexual orientation reveal itself? Will Cyneswith find true love? Will Jojo become a werewolf? Will Wulf continue to be the only dignified member of this family? Will D’vorah have kittens? Will Wyatt do literally anything worth mentioning? Tune in for parts 2 & 3 to find out, unfollow button on the upper right corner for those who need it.
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*SQUEEE!!* thank you for tagging me!!! ❤️❤️ @andiwillnotbethelastnerd
a - age: 22
b - birthplace: Fort Belvoir, Virginia (yep, BOTH my parents were in the Army)
c - current time: 12:59 pm
d - drink you last had: water..?
e - easiest person/people to talk to: pretty much everybody haha. My top people though are my boyfriend, my parents, my brother, and my friends, and my fellow tumblr people 😁You know. The core group.
f - favorite song: Umm... umm... wait I got it...
“I feel like a millionaire”
“Turn the lights down low”
“Life’s been good so far”
g - grossest memory: um, this time at work that I had to pick up and dispose of a dead, half rotted toad. It had maggots all over it and in it. I held my breath the whole time. (Personal record for breath holding)
(I work at a gardening center and I’m the only person there that doesn’t get heebie-geebies over picking up animals, dead or alive. I’ve picked up snakes (so the boss wouldn’t kill them) I’ve caught and released frogs and toads (they’re so cute!) (and my manager is deathly afraid of them) I’ve cleaned up dead animals from the front of the store, that the cat leaves for us.) (it takes a lot to gross me out, but the maggoty toad was the worst.) (topping a half-digested mouse)
h - horror yes or horror no: Nope. Nope nope nopity nopity no.
i - in love?: Who isn’t? We’re all in love with something or someone. A book. A character. A job, a thing, or a person. Currently though, my boyfriend haha
j - jealous of people?: Who has time for that kind of negative feeling? Good vibes all around!
l - love at first sight or should I walk by again?: a combo of both. I met my man at work actually haha (Yes! We broke the scandalous taboo that you should never date your coworker.) it started out as a mutual attraction, followed by denial (because no, you can’t date your coworker) and then we started flirting. And by flirting, I mean we were cracking puns left and right. I joke with him that we’re Pun-sexual. Sexually attracted to people that make puns and don’t say “shut up.” When you crack a reaaally good pun. That, and I kept checking him out at work, and then he’d catch me, and I’d look away like I wasn’t. Yeah. We’re dorks. Haha!
m - middle name: Elizabeth. (Like the Queen, but of no relation.)
n - number siblings: 1, my little brother who is in high school, and likes the girls that are taken already, but are in bad relationships. I told him to hold out until college, because then they’ll get smart and realize how awesome he is (because he’s gone out to get me pads, and he got me the right ones because we share a bathroom. He’s not grossed out by periods. He cooks! (He makes a better grilled cheese than I do) and he listens, and he’s an Eagle Scout.)
o - one wish: for people to let go of negativity, and embrace positivity in life. Let’s all get along, and be happy.
p - person you called last: my mom.
q - question you are always asked: Were you in (such and such a class) or (work here)
I look quite generic haha. My best friend’s boyfriend actually mixed us up once. Funny story. I was gonna meet him for the first time (this was high school) and she said she was looking for him, so I was out wandering too. Suddenly, someone comes up behind me and grabs a HANDFUL OF MY ASS. Not a little *boop* or a grope. A handful. So I drop my bag and turn on him “you wanna try that again?!” And he’s all appologetic and scampers off. Then she texts me to meet her in front of a class because she’s got him. I come up and lo and behold... it’s him. The ass grabber. I shout “YOU!!” And she’s goes, “What?” And he turns to her “Babe it was an honest mistake and I’m so sorry” we laughed it off, but for months afterward, he’d come up behind her and make sure that it was her first.
r - reason to smile: All the reasons. It’s a nice day out. The sun is shining, or the rain sounds pleasant. That asshole that cut me off in traffic got pulled over.. you name it.
s - song you sang last: i listen to a lot of songs 🤣
t - time you woke up: 8:30 ish in the morning.
u - underwear colour: nunya. As in, nunya business .
v - vacation destination: Somewhere sunny and 75.
w - worst habit: procrastination. But I like to think that I work well under pressure.
x - x-rays: One that I can remember, from when I had a persistent cough and they needed to X-ray my chest. The one other time, I fell on a table when I was a baby and my mom was worried I broke my brow bone (the bone that goes around your eyeball. You know, push against your eyebrow. That bone.) (I didn’t break it though)
y - your favourite food: carbs. All of the carbs. And bacon.
z - zodiac sign: cancer.
“Oh I have a condition alright! It’s called CARING TOO MUCH. AND ITS INCURABLE!!”
I tag anyone that wants to participate (I apologize if I forget anyone) (I love you all!!)
And @spacewolfqueen @abandoned-as-mustard @macamars @reylobitch @annanymuss
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The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1 Betches
Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!
TIA: You told me that I deserve the best.
CHRIS: You do.
TIA: But you made out with Krystal.
CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you.
TIA:
Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!
Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.
HOW.
Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.
Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.
HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.
Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.
Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.
JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton?
TIA:
WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for? To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!
Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.
Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!
KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you?
JACKIE:
Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!
Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.
OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.
Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.
Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!
Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.
COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom—
BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?
Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.
Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)
Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?
MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.
So. Much. Fashion. 🌹🌹🌹 cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise 🌊🌴🦀🥂
A post shared by Bachelor Insider (@bachelorinsider) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:18pm PDT
Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony.
CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl.
NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.
Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.
Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.
WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.
Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”
ME:
Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.
Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?
Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.
Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.
ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope.
JORDAN: Will you accept this rose?
ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored.
JORDAN: Sike!
Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!
@ericbigger, better, badder! 📸:@ericbigger
A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Aug 20, 2018 at 5:49pm PDT
Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.
Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:
Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.
David picks Chelsea.
Kevin picks Astrid.
Chris picks Krystal. God help her.
John picks Jubilee.
Joe picks Kendall.
Colton picks Tia. Vomit.
Eric picks Angela.
Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.
And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.
Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
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