#but real talk this dude is smart like he realizes when I'm gone for work even though he's not even awake yet

[dex-starr]

dogs are dumb as shit like me and it’s great I love them

[rogeriswater]

Don’t Leave Me Now

xxii

This work contains fictionalized versions of real events and people. Most details won’t be accurate to real life.

tags for this chapter: p.o.v changes, creepy behavior from one dude

~m.r~

It was yet another day in the studio. Now that Syd was gone, there were some things that had to be changed around before the release of the album. Roger hasn't talked to me really since the day I ditched him to go to dinner with Billy instead. I've been really regretting that day. I should've just gone with him. Could have saved myself a lot of beratement and gaslighting from Billy.

Billy and I had another argument this morning. Well, more like he insulted me again. He had made a comment on how I put on some weight. I tried not to let it get to me, but it hurt when he said that. It had made my mood absolutely foul this morning and I was hoping the boys would give me some space today. I didn't want to snap at them.

I noticed the boys all circled together as soon as I entered the studio. They stopped what they were doing to look at me as I angrily stomped in, no sound except for the clacking of the heels of my boots against the floor. I looked over at them and they seemed to be watching me warily. Well, Roger seemed to be avoiding my gaze.

David had made the brave decision to approach me. "Are you alright, Mags?"

"Never better, David" I said.

I could tell he didn't quite believe me, but he was smart enough to not push any further. Instead, he changed the subject. "You should see the new track Roger has composed. He's got diagrams of it written up, and I'm completely lost on how he wants us to play it"

Diagrams for a song? Exactly what kind of song did Roger have in mind? I joined the boys, taking my place beside Roger as I usually did. Without saying a word to me, he handed me a piece of paper. It was quite literally a diagram as David had said. "Roger, what even is this?" I asked him.

"Are you blind?" He snapped at me. "It's how the song should progress"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm not blind. You're just making things complicated"

He snatched the paper out of my hand. "Why are you acting like a bitch this morning?"

"And why are you such a prick?" I shot back at him. Roger looked completely offended at the fact I had the nerve to say such a thing. He turned and walked away, most likely to take a moment for himself.

"Today's not going to be an easy day" Nick mentioned. "Roger is in a bossy mood today, and you're in a pissy mood"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not in a pissy mood today, Nick"

"Could've fooled me"

I sighed. "Nick, please don't make me smack you"

"We'll get to work today, and maybe that will help take your mind off of whatever is bothering you" Rick tried to assure me.

"Yeah. Maybe" I said passively.

...

Roger was an absolute nightmare to work with today. I knew he was passionate about music but I didn't realize he could get so bossy over it. And he was already made at me so it made everything worse when I wasn't doing something the way he liked.

He wanted me to hit some cymbals for the song. I thought that was simple enough. Now, I was still angry at Billy for calling me fat this morning, so I was hitting the cymbals a little harder than intended, or rather, a little too harder than Roger's liking.

"No, no, no" He came over to me. "What do you think you're doing?" He towered over me, crossing his arms.

I rolled my eyes, looking up at him. "What do you think I'm doing, you daft idiot? I'm hitting the cymbals like you wanted me to"

"We'll you're not doing it the way I want you to" He criticized me. "Give me those!" He harshly took the mallets from me. "Move" He demanded. I moved out of the way and I kneeled where I previously did. "Hit the softer, like this" And then he proceeded to demonstrate. When he was done, he gave the mallets back to me. "Think you can do that?"

And so, I did it just the way he asked. Or I tried to anyways, but it still wasn't the way he wanted. He came over to criticize me again. "If you don't like the way I'm doing it, why don't you do it then?"

"Well, excuse me if I wanted you to be more useful than you just standing there and moving your lips" He had the nerve to say to me.

I stood up and turned towards Roger. Why was he being such an ass to me today? "You know what, Roger? Fuck you!" I spat at him. I couldn't stand to be near him anymore. I stormed off, heading in the direction of the women's washroom.

When I got there, I stood at the counter and turned on the water before splashing some water on my face. There was a knocking at the door. "David, if that's you, I'm not—" The door opened and to my surprise it was Roger. His gaze was softer than the harsh one he looked at me with merely moments ago. "Haven't you done enough to me today?"

"Darling, I'm sorry" Roger's tone was soft and sweet. "I shouldn't have said what I said to you"

"But you said it, didn't you?" I scolded him, not daring to look him in the eye.

I could hear his footsteps against the tile flooring. He stood next to me. His hand grabbed mine and he tilted his head down until it came to rest on my shoulder. "I don't ever want our work to come in between us like this. The only thing I'm more passionate about than music is you, and I don't want to ruin that"

"Roger, do you think I'm fat?" I asked suddenly, Billy's comment about me still echoing in my mind.

"Where on Earth did you ever get the idea that you were fat?" He asked me. Roger grabbed my by my waist and turned me so that I was facing him. "Was it Billy who told you that?"

"Well he didn't say it like that exactly" I said. "He just mentioned that I had put on a little weight"

"You are so fucking beautiful, sunshine" Roger told me. "And you are not fat. Even if you were, that would not change the way I feel about you"

I frowned. "But you hate me now"

"I don't hate you" Roger started rubbing small circles on my back. "I could never hate you. Sure, I might get a little frustrated, even with you, but I'm never gonna hate you"

I caressed his face. Roger was always telling me how beautiful I was, but I don't think he ever truly realized how beautiful he is. "You're so pretty" I muttered, truly fascinated with his features.

"No, I'm not" He shook his head. Why was it so hard for him to believe that he was?

"But you are, Roger"

He scoffed. "If I'm so attractive, then how come every girlfriend I've had has cheated on me?"

"I wouldn't cheat on you"

He looked at me with those soft, beautiful eyes. "Do you mean that, darling?"

"I do, sweetheart"

Roger leaned in and started kissing me. My arms wrapped around his neck. He had managed to pick me up and set me down on the counter. He stepped in between my legs, his lips parting from mine. "Never leave me" He pleaded.

"Roger, I—"

 "Maggie, promise me now, that you'll never leave me" His voice almost broke.

I placed my hand upon the back of his head, threading my fingers in his soft, dark hair. "George Roger Waters," His full name fell from my lips. "I, Margaret Beatrice Fox, promise you that I'm never gonna leave you. I'm yours forever" I spoke as if I were reciting my wedding vows.

He smirked, clearly pleased with my promise. "That's right, you're mine" He leaned in, brushing his lips against my neck. "I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone else have you" He started peppering kisses against my skin. "Not even gonna let any other man have the chance to be alone with you"

He left hot, open-mouthed kisses all over my neck. I moaned, leaving my head back to give him more access. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling up his toned body beneath my palms. He started sucking at a spot on my neck, no doubt leaving a mark. When he was satisfied, he licked at the spot before pulling away. He gently grasped my jaw and ran his thumb over my lips. "You leave me breathless every time I look at you" He confessed.

I leaned forward, capturing his lips with mine. I could have spent every breathing moment kissing Roger like this. His kisses were so sweet and tender, so passionate, so full of deep love for me. The sound of the bathroom door opening interrupted us both, and the poor receptionist, a lovely lady who went by the name of Rachel, had walked in on us.

"Oh, uh, Mr Waters and Miss Fox" She blushed deeply from the embarrassment that she had caught us in the act. Roger and I both looked at each other, fearful that we had been caught and that she might tell on us. "Mr Waters, Judy is here to see you"

Roger sighed, obviously not happy about the fact that she showed up unannounced. "Alright, I'll come get her" Rachel nodded and quickly left the two of us alone again. Roger stepped away from me and ran his fingers through his hair. "Why is she here? She knows to never come to the studio when I'm working!"

"But you're not working at this moment, now are you?" I teased him. "You're kissing me instead"

He reached and played with a strand of my hair. "I'll get rid of her and we can continue this"

"No, no. She's still your girlfriend and she clearly needs your attention for something right now" I told him. "I'm sure if it wasn't important, she wouldn't be coming to see you here"

Roger was silent for a moment as he thought. "I'm gonna break up with her. Right now"

"What? No!" I protested. "Roger, just try to hold out with her for a little longer. At least until I can get the divorce process in motion"

"When are you going to file for divorce, by the way?" I know Roger just wanted to completely be with me, and Billy was obviously getting in the way of that.

"When I'm ready to do it" I just wish he would stop asking. Believe me, I wanted to be his completely as much as he wanted to be mine. It was just going to take some time.

...

I went back into the recording studio while Roger went off to see what Judy wanted. I was greeted by three pairs of staring eyes. Surely, the boys were all wondering the same thing. Why had Roger and I been in the bathroom for so long?

"You and Roger sure took your time" Nick had commented. "What were you two doing anyways? Having a little snog session?" My heart started pounding at Nick's accusation. Did he know? Did any of the boys know? I stared at Nick like a deer caught in the headlights. "Mags, I'm just kidding"

"Oh" I let out a laugh of relief.

"Are you and Roger all good then?" Rick had asked. I nodded at his answer. "You should have seen how deflated he looked when you stormed off. Didn't waste a second following after you"

"Yeah, David tried to stop him but he snapped at him" Nick added. I looked to David, who was sitting on a couch by himself. He caught my eye and flashed me a smile. "Maggie, could you do us a favor and never quit the band?"

"What difference would it make if I quit?" I wondered.

"If you leave, Roger's fury would know no bounds"

Oh, I'm sure if I left the band one day, Roger wouldn't be that bad. Since we were stuck waiting for Roger to finish up whatever he had to talk about with Judy, I decided to go join David on the couch. "Sorry about my mood earlier" I felt like I had to apologize. "A woman tends to be angry when her husband calls her fat. He's been making a lot of passive comments about my appearance lately"

"Love, you are not fat" David assured me. He draped his arm over my shoulder. "You are incredibly gorgeous and if your husband can't see that, then it's his loss"

I grinned at him. "You're a real sweetheart, David"

Roger had returned at that moment, but he wasn't alone. His arm arm was wrapped around Judy's waist and she was clinging to him like glue. "Is it alright if she stays?" He asked us.

"I thought we had a no girlfriends, wives, or husband rule about studio time?" Rick reminded him.

"Oh, it's alright" I spoke up. "Besides, I could do with another woman here" Roger looked at me. He noticed the way that David had his arm around me, and I could see his jaw tensing. Judy was also staring right at me. I shrugged David's arm off of me. "Let's get back to work, yeah?"

...

We broke off for lunch. I had sat down after fetching my food, only to be joined by Judy shortly after. "So, Maggie," She started, as if she was propositioning me with some business deal. "I was thinking that maybe after you're all done here, you and I could go shopping or something?"

"Sure, we can do that" I agreed. "Is everything okay between you and Roger? Did something happen?" I know it sounded like I was snooping but I've never seen Judy around at the studio before so I thought there was an emergency or something.

She smiled and nodded. "Oh yeah, everything is fine! I just wanted to see him" She looked down, poking at the food on her plate. "Does Billy ever come around here?" She asked so casually.

I raised a brow at her question. "No, I don't bring him round when I'm working. Why?"

She shrugged. "No reason" Judy smirked at me. "I couldn't help but notice that you and David..."

"There is no me and David" I cleared up. I wasn't blind to his flirtations around me, but I knew it was just him being friendly and there was nothing else to it.

Judy reached over and touched my hand. "Oh, Maggie, you don't have to hide it from me!" She winked. "From what I've seen, it looks like David likes you too"

I blushed fiercely. "Jude, it really isn't like that"

"Okay, whatever you say"

...

At the end of the day, we had constructed the song the way Roger wanted us to. But now, I was ready to have some girl time with Judy. I was waiting for her in the lobby to finish up with Roger. As I waited, Rachel looked at me and she waved me over. Oh great, I think I knew what this was about. I approached the front desk. "Look, Rachel, about what you saw..."

Rachel stopped me. "Oh, don't worry, Miss Fox. I won't tell a soul" She smiled kindly. "But there is something you should know. While Miss Trim was waiting for Mr Waters, she was asking a lot of questions about you and your marriage"

"And what did you tell her?" I asked.

"That she would have to ask you those questions"

"Maggie!" Judy's voice called to me. She appeared beside me and touched my back. "Ready to go?" She asked me.

"Yes, let's go" I agreed. Judy and I were off. This wasn't the first time we had hung out together, but it would be the first time that she would follow me home afterwards.

...

Judy and I walked about the street, carrying a bunch of shopping bags. I really thought the two of us were getting along well, and that's the way I wanted it to be between us, despite the fact that I was having an affair with her boyfriend. As we were walking, we had walked past a flower shop. There was a bench in front of it so Judy and I stopped to sit down.

"You better enjoy this while it lasts" Judy had said suddenly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, curious as to what she meant.

"Walking down the street without people knowing who you are" She explained. "You guys are really gonna make it big someday. Part of me wishes that you guys won't, because I'm afraid of losing Roger to it, but then I realize how selfish that sounds"

"It's a natural fear to have if you love someone" I tried ease her mind. But she was right though, she was losing Roger but it wouldn't be because of the fame.

"Does Billy fear he's gonna lose you?" She asked me.

"Honestly, I think he's more afraid of having a wife more successful than he is" I spoke my mind. "He wouldn't ever tell me that, but I know he thinks it" At that moment, a man emerged from the flower shop, with nothing but a single rose in his hand. He was gawking at me with wide eyes and smile.

"Maggie Robinson?" He knew my name, but I had no idea who he was. And what was weirder, he knew my married name and not my maiden name, which I go by when I'm with Pink Floyd.

I looked up at him, furrowing my eyebrows I'm confusion. "Yes? Do I know you?"

A hurt expression came across his face. "What, you don't remember me? It's me, Adam!" He said it like I was supposed to know who he was. "Adam Rowe? We were both in Professor Walton's class" Oh, he was an old classmate from law school. Well, no wonder I didn't know him. I never really conversed with any of my classmates outside of group projects.

"Oh, right"

"What happened to you? You just stopped showing up one day"

"Oh, I quit to pursue a music career instead"

"Why on Earth did you do that? You were top in the class! Which is surprising considering you're a woman and all" Wow, that was a gut punch if I ever felt one.

Judy scoffed. "That was rather rude, don't you think?"

Adam ignored her and continued to ask me questions. "So what's the deal with this music career? Haven't heard anything about you in the papers. Must not be that impressive"

"Well it's not just me. I'm in a band that goes by the name of Pink Floyd"

"I think I've heard of them" Adam said. He held the rose out in front of me. "Anyways, this is for you. I got this as soon as I saw you through the window. I always thought you were a real special lady"

I did not like where this conversation was heading, and I'm sure Judy didn't either because she got up and stood between us, blocking Adam's vision of me. "I'll take you home, Maggie. I'm pretty sure Billy is wondering where you are" She grabbed my hand and pulled me off of the bench. We walked away, not even looking back at Adam. "Do you know him all that well?" Judy asked me.

"We were in the same class but I never said a word to him" How could a man I had never said a word to before remember me so well?

~j.t~

Maggie invited me up to her flat for some tea. I had to admit, after spending some time with her, her kindness and hospitality was starting to rub off on me and she was becoming a friend to me. This is the first time I had been in her and Billy's flat. It looked rather empty, save for a couch, a coffee table, and a television. "How long have you and Billy lived here?" I asked.

"His parents found us this place the day after we got married" She recalled. I could sense the bitterness in her voice as she mentioned her in-laws. "Didn't want to spend money on me, so they got us the cheapest place they could find. It was never meant to be a permanent option for us so we just never bothered unpacking the boxes"

A framed picture sitting on a shelf caught my attention. I picked it up and looked at it. It was a picture of Billy and Maggie outside a registry office both wearing caps and gowns. This must have been their wedding day. Billy looked incredibly happy to be with her, but there was something sad about Maggie's smile. She came back out with two cups of tea and I set the picture back on the shelf.

"So, where is Billy?" I asked. I'll admit, part of the reason I accepted Maggie's invitation was in the hopes that I could see Billy.

Maggie shrugged. "I don't know. He never tells me anymore" She passed me a cup of tea and was about to grab the one meant for herself, when there was a knock on her door. She answered it. "Hello, Mrs Cole"

"Hello, my dear" The sweet old lady at her door had greeted. She peeked and noticed me. "Oh, you're entertaining company! I can come back later"

"No, it's alright, Mrs Cole. What do you need?"

"I was wondering if you could accompany me for a quick trip to the market. I have a longer list than usual and I would appreciate your help"

"I would be happy to help" Maggie turned to me. "Judy, will you be alright for a few minutes by yourself?"

"I'll be fine" I assured her. With that, Maggie was off to help her neighbor. Now that I was alone, I decided to snoop around some more and I decided to start in their bedroom.

 All their bedroom was, was a mattress on the floor and a desk. I tried opening one of the drawers on the desk but it was locked. I wonder what was in there that was so secretive? Next was the closet. It was divided into Maggie's clothes and then Billy's. Maggie had a lot of dresses to choose from. Finally, I sat down on the mattress. I ran my palms along the wrinkled sheets. How many times did Billy and Maggie make love in this bed?

 I heard the front door being opened and then a voice called out. "Maggie, are you home yet?" It was Billy. Oh, God. I was alone with him. It made my heart race. I heard his footsteps approaching. The door to the room swung open. "Maggie, I—Judy?"

"Hi" I smiled up at him.

He tried to avoid looking at me. "Where's my wife?" He asked, really emphasizing the "w" word.

"She's not home" I said. I stood up and walked over to him. "I missed you"

"Judy, I think you should leave"

Why was he trying to push me away? "Remember that day we kissed?"

"Yes, and that was a mistake and it shouldn't have happened in the first place"

"I know you liked it as much as I did" I enticed him. That's when he fell silent and looked away. I wasn't blind to redness on his face either. "Billy, I really do feel something between us"

"Does Roger know you're here?" He asked, deflecting my question. "And does Maggie know you're here?"

"Maggie invited me over actually" I explained. "She's actually very pleasant to be around, and I think we're becoming friends"

"Well, if you're her friend, you wouldn't do this to her, would you?" He asked me.

"Funny, you should say the same thing to her about sneaking around with my boyfriend" I accused. Not that I had hard concrete evidence that they were, but I had a suspicion. Roger's been in such a different mood lately, one that he's never been around me.

Billy's face fell. "She is not. She would never do that to me. She loves me"

I sighed. "Fine, believe that if you want to, but if you ever find that she's not pleasing you right, just give me a call"

We both heard the door opening and Maggie's cheery voice call out. "Jude, I'm back!" The both of us walked back out into the living room. Maggie looked at Billy and her eyebrows raised. "Oh, Billy. You're home" She didn't sound too pleased to see him. "I haven't forgotten what you said to me this morning"

Billy went over and tried to touch her arm. "Maggie, I'm—" She pulled away from him. Then, she walked over to me. "Do you need to call Roger and have him come get you?"

I glanced over at Billy, and he caught my eyes. An idea came to mind. "I can get Billy to drive me, if that's alright"

Maggie waved her hand. "Whatever" She stormed off towards the bedroom.

Billy watched her sadly. He sighed and looked at me. "Come on then, Judy" I wonder, what exactly was going on between them? Was it just a little rough patch or was this the beginning of a shambling marriage? Either way, if I was going to find a place to wedge myself in between them, this was the time.

...

It was a silent car ride for the most part. I could tell Billy was feeling bad about the thing he said to Maggie this morning, whatever it was. He pulled up in front of mine and Roger's flat.

"Thank you" I said to him. I was just about ready to get out of the car when I felt him take my hand.

"Judy, I really can't lose her and I keep fucking things up" Billy confessed to me. "I'm hoping after we renew our vows, it'll fix everything between us. It will allow us to start over, then we can have a baby and that'll keep us together"

"I'm sure it'll all work out between you two" I told him what he wanted to hear, whether I believed it to be true or not. What he did next surprised me. He leaned in and gave me a small but soft kiss.

He pulled away, and looked forward as he muttered an apology. "Sorry"

I smiled, reaching over to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. "It's okay"

"She's just been distant with me lately, and I miss her. I miss the affection"

"Well, like I said, you can call me anytime" I reminded him. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I will see you soon, Billy" I stepped out of the car and we both waved at each other before he drove away.

When I got up to the flat, Roger was nowhere to be found but I heard the strumming of him playing the guitar. I followed the strumming into our bedroom, finding him sitting in the corner of the room, facing the wall. I don't think he noticed my presence. I walked over to him, got on my knees behind him, and attempted to wrap my arms around him.

"Judy, I'm not in the mood, alright?" Roger shrugged me off. I removed my arms from him and frowned. "I've really got to work on this song. It's important"

He never even turned to look at me. He was never in the mood anymore. I could feel it. I was slowly losing Roger. Whether it was to his music career, or the girl he shares his music career with, I didn't know yet. That's why I needed someone like Billy to lean on. His wife was drifting from, much like Roger is drifting from me. If anyone would understand me, it's Billy.

[incarnateirony]

I deeply need Fandom--not even SPN fandom, just like, The Grand Fandom-- to understand that just because you think something, doesn't mean it's true. And, before building grand ideas off of them, maybe like. googling it is a good start. Because before trying to speak authoritatively, you might want to make sure you understand the universe you're talking about.

That being corporate and production worlds.

People with little to no real applicable experience or knowledge tend to imagine ways they *think* something might work and enter it into the forum of conversation as if it simply *is.*

The whole bigassed post about "j2m gonna have a hard time because no mark pedowitz having their backs" comes from what to a normal, media muggle brain might make sense. "Well the company is sold, maybe a different guy runs it!"

No effort was made to check if this assumption is correct. Instead, it automatically built out into some grand conceptualized theory of J2M having a new hard struggle at CW because of this idea of Pedowitz being gone, when he's not.

Meanwhile, Roth, who handled most of SPN and is Jensen's mentor, is advising the new head of WBD. Like. All easily googleable things.

It can suck to realize you don't know things, but for god sake don't just. ASSUME you know them when you have no practical experience in it, because you end up jumping to weird ass conclusions about CEOs, or skews, or which shows are getting cancelled and why, and it just confuses people.

If you don't know just for god's sake don't post, it'll stop confusing other people that also don't know, which perpetuates this cycle.

Maybe I make talking about this shit look easy? like "oh anyone can uh, theorize things, that's what that blog is doing, I'm smart, I can do that too", and it doesn't matter how smart you are if you don't know the maze you're trying to navigate.

I'm never going to authoritatively posit quantum physics theories, because I don't know quantum theory well enough, and know googling it for a few minutes won't give me the experience to make an educated statement about it. Anything I came up with would look like a nonsensical mess to a quantum scientist, no matter how goddamn confident I was that it made perfect sense, from my angle of ignorance. And that's what's going on here.

But yeah. I'd never delude myself into speaking authoritatively on it. And that's okay. And that's self aware. You do not need to pretend to know things. You know other things. Make theories about those things.

You don't have to copy every niche, you don't have to pretend you know every angle of things, and you definitely don't need to make posts on things you clearly didn't even google the basic claims in. You guys have other niches stop trying to cover niches you're alien in pls. I'm sure you're great at like fic or art or something really cool I swear but you don't have to comment on things if you don't know.

I could point at the omitted scripts, the roadhouse ending, the prequel itself, Jensen's motivations, the Winchesters' script. Time and again and again people that have no idea what they're talking about keep doorkicking into this and never catch a clue that sometimes, it's just better to listen, and we just repeated it today with Gotham Knights. Off of a dude popping off an unconfirmed thought and people spreading it, just like the weird Pedowitz claim/post.

Though truly I wonder how one ever came to the idea of Pedowitz being gone when he's still being quoted in 3-5 articles a day about upcoming CW things. So this is like. Bare minimum attention levels to the things being speculated on being skipped.

[sokkastyles]

In your last post you talked a lot about how Zuko respects Iroh. Could you give some examples of that? Because I'm feeling like Zuko doesn't really respect anyone, he (understandably) has an ego and thinks he's above everyone, even if he's working on

It is such a shame that Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005) was cancelled after two episodes.

Lol, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm gonna assume you aren't just a troll and treat this like you actually want a serious answer, because it gives me an opportunity to meta about Zuko and Iroh's relationship.

I would say that the Zuko we are introduced to has a pretty big ego, yeah, and thinks he's above everyone else. He's incredibly disrespectful to most everyone he meets, including his long-suffering uncle. When I started the show I knew through cultural osmosis that Zuko would get redeemed, and from the first episode I was like "alright, I'm ready to see how the show is gonna make me like this asshole." I especially did have a negative reaction to the way he treats Iroh in the beginning, because Iroh is one of the first characters I loved. I also was sympathetic to Iroh because I'm an adult, and an adult who works with kids. If any of my students said to me some of the stuff that Zuko says to Iroh I'd be like, yeah, okay, detention for you young man.

It's also pretty clear from early on though that Zuko's ego comes from a deep insecurity and low self-esteem. That doesn't make the things he does any better, and yes he is incredibly disrespectful to Iroh, especially when Iroh contradicts him about his mission. That's also related to his deep insecurity and trauma surrounding his father, of course, because Zuko needs to believe that he can win back his father's acceptance to cope with what his father did to him, but that doesn't excuse it.

He says some incredibly nasty things to Iroh. In the first episode we see him respond angrily when Iroh won't teach him more advanced firebending, and Zuko responds, as he does several times, by trying to imitate his father's brand of coercion and intimidation. Iroh is like, not impressed, and he puts up with a lot of crap from Zuko but he also doesn't let it get to him because he's a responsible adult and he wants to support Zuko in the way he can. Which also means telling him off sometimes because dude.

Zuko thinks Iroh is lazy and a failure, and resents the fact that Iroh is keeping him from what he says he is "more than ready" for, and tries to bully Iroh when he doesn't get his way, but then we see in the third episode, "The Southern Air Temple," Zuko's fight with Zhao. We see that for all Zuko's complaining about Iroh's teaching, he does what Iroh taught him to do, he sticks to his basics, and he wins. Iroh says that Zuko is honorable and we see that Zuko appreciates Iroh's support. It's also implied by the way Zhao mentions humiliating Zuko in front of his uncle that Zuko wants Iroh to be proud of him, that it's obvious to Zhao how close they are.

Another example of the show letting us know that Zuko cares more about his uncle than he lets on is when he threatens to leave Iroh behind in "Winter Solstice" but then comes back for him to find him gone, and goes out of his way to search for him, even setting aside his hunt for Aang. Zuko fights the earthbenders to save Iroh and Iroh compliments his form, to which Zuko says Iroh taught him well. This episode does a lot to develop Zuko as a character and his relationship with Iroh because not only do we see that Zuko cares for his uncle, but that, contrary to his rudeness and dismissiveness in episode one, Zuko does respect Iroh as a teacher and a bender.

There's a lot of examples like this where Zuko says one thing but does another, because Zuko is a character who, at the beginning of the story, carries a lot of cognitive dissonance and guards his real feelings about things. His relationship with Iroh is an example. This isn't very surprising because it's pretty common in child psychology. Especially with kids who have been abused, they will rebel against an authority figure and push back in any way they can to see if they can find a breaking point. Iroh's endlessly patient and supportive but solid and firm presence is something Zuko is not used to and doesn't know how to deal with. But it's very clear that Zuko relies on Iroh as a father and mentor, even when Zuko doesn't realize it yet.

"The Avatar State" in another episode that shows how much Zuko relies on Iroh. At the beginning of the episode Zuko is sitting apart and it's implied that he's not happy with Iroh relaxing and getting a massage, but Zuko also opens up to Iroh about his feelings about his father. Zuko also is dismissive and rude to Iroh again in this episode, criticizing Iroh for collecting shells and also insulting Iroh when Iroh contradicts him about going with Azula, but then Zuko is happy when Iroh goes with him to Azula's ship, and we get that flash of the image of Ozai with his hand on Zuko's shoulder. This tells us that Zuko sees Iroh as the kind of mentor figure that he wishes his father were, even if, again, Zuko doesn't quite realize this yet. There are many other examples like this where Zuko is frustrated by not getting Iroh's approval on something because he wants Iroh to be proud of him. Like when he steals the teapot and gives it to Iroh and Iroh is not interested in stolen items. Zuko's clearly hurt by not having Iroh's approval, which is a big part of why he left Iroh, and Iroh knows that Zuko is struggling to find himself but also still needs his support.

Then you have "Bitter Work," the lightning bending, and Zuko's look of total admiration when Iroh is bending lightning and teaching Zuko a move that he invented himself. Like I said before, it's clear that Zuko respects Iroh as a powerful bender. This is also echoed in that scene in the book two finale when Iroh is about to breathe fire and Zuko has this look of "wow my uncle is going to beat you so bad this is going to be great!"

There's also a lot of little stuff in the Ba Sing Se arc that show that Zuko respects Iroh and values him as a mentor figure. He lets Iroh do his hair for his date with Jin! It looks terrible! Zuko has no idea how to behave on a date so he's like um, uncle said to give you this coupon! Look how smart my uncle is! Of course the culmination of that arc is Zuko's fever and his awakening which gives him a renewed respect for Iroh, and he actually makes an effort to show Iroh how much he values him. He still betrays Iroh in Ba Sing Se but it's not the "I hate you and you smell!" thing that the play portrays it as. One of the reasons Zuko was so confused there was because he felt like his uncle was telling him contradictory things, and he couldn't reconcile his uncle's wisdom with what he'd been taught to believe by Ozai.

But it's finally losing Iroh as that pillar of support that makes Zuko truly realize how much he does value his uncle. It still takes him a while to get there, and he again pushes back against Iroh when Iroh won't talk to him in prison and blames him for his own internal turmoil. But when he does finally get there, it's such a slap in the face to Ozai that Zuko on the Day of Black Sun tells him to his face that Iroh is his real father, that Zuko is going to fall to his knees and beg for Iroh's forgiveness, because Zuko has realized that Iroh is the one who really deserves his respect. Not only does Zuko tell Ozai that he, in fact, did not teach him anything about respect, but the respect Ozai tried to get from his son through cruelty and control is something Zuko will freely give to Iroh.

Then Zuko spends the next several episodes constantly talking about how great Iroh is, how much he misses him, how good he is at making tea and telling jokes, how wise he is, and what an ass he, Zuko, had been to him. He follows Iroh's advice and humbles himself because Iroh always said he didn't think things through enough, he works hard to make himself into someone his uncle would be proud of. Then when he does meet Iroh again he asks for forgiveness, but he says that even if Iroh won't forgive him he would try to make it up to him. He's completely humbled himself and it's so satisfying because it's the fulfilment of their relationship arc, and you can feel the love and respect that these two characters have for each other. And it's directly meant to contrast with what Ozai said about respect, because Ozai is full of shit.

And then Zuko just like automatically assumes that Iroh will be the Fire Lord and Iroh's like "Zuko did you forget that you are the crown prince?" And Zuko, bless his heart, is like "but I made so many mistakes."

I'm sorry, but if you're gonna keep arguing that Zuko, at this point, still "thinks he's above everyone else" then you are just being willfully obtuse.

Not to mention the fact that Zuko's crowning moment as Fire Lord is him giving a speech about how he wants to serve others, to heal the world, and even the applause and praise that he, in the beginning, wanted from others is something he doesn't accept. He tells everyone that Aang is the real hero. And Aang is a hero but like, Zuko is a hero, too, by showing heroic qualities like being selfless and humble and caring towards others. And then his last scene is not him as Fire Lord, but serving tea to everyone dressed in Earth Kingdom clothes.

And who does he serve tea to first? Uncle.

[angelikook]

How to Find Your Soulmate

Pairing(s): Non-idol!Namjoon x reader

Genre: Tooth-rotting fluff, teensy bit of angst

Word Count: 10.2k

Warning(s): None

Summary: Where a journey to find his soulmate took a different turn.

A/n I wrote this as a spur in the moment thing, but it surprisingly came out really well.

The familiar sound of keys jiggling from his front door was a sure sign that he was about to lose whatever amount of peacefulness in his tiny apartment. As he braced himself for what was about to come, the door swung open and came in the person he had been waiting for.

Y/n was her name. Peculiar, wild, and random. Her hair basically could represent her entire personality. Unruly, messy, and out of control. She'd been a loner for most of her lifetime. Definitely a big believer in “I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need no man”.

It also came as a surprise to Namjoon when he couldn’t help but to be attached to her a long time ago when they were kids. And ever since that, he had gained a new best friend. Or more like the best friend since he didn’t have that many best friends to begin with.

“Joon, let’s go! We have things to do.” Y/n grabbed on his arm and tried to pull him up from his slouched position on his couch. The couch that became worn out so quickly for its rather frequent use whenever he was stressed.

In his defense, it wasn’t his fault that the couch was so comfy.

Failing to pull him up, Y/n groaned in frustration. “Come on! There’s a bazaar downtown that I wanna check. Can’t have me go alone at this time, right?”

“I don’t wanna get up. Let’s just watch Netflix,” he said as he turned on the TV.

Y/n snatched the remote from his hand and turned the TV back off. “Nope. Let’s go. Tomorrow is Saturday anyways, you can watch the TV all you want.”

Namjoon sighed. “What do I get for this?”

Y/n grinned and cupped her cheeks. “You get to spend time with me.”

“Ugh, I don’t want that,” he teased as he pulled himself up from the couch. “I'm tired of seeing your face.”

“You, mister.” She jabbed her finger at him. “Owe me a boba tea, remember? Now is the perfect time to redeem yourself.”

“Remind me not to wake you up again on Sunday mornings.” He shuddered at the memory of seeing bed headed Y/n screaming on top of her lungs, telling him not to wake her up from her beauty sleep or whatever.

“Are you seriously wearing that, though?” he asked as he eyed Y/n’s outfit.

She still wore the same outfit that she had worn since this morning. There was a noticeable coffee stain on her left cufflinks, indicating she probably had bumped her mug with her hand by accident. Her skirt was already crinkled especially on the bottom part. Disclaimer, he totally did not just check her out. Her heels made her feet red and look swollen. They clearly cut off her circulation, but somehow she insisted on wearing them anyways, claiming that she felt sexy and smart and beautiful in them.

“They look uncomfortable,” Namjoon had commented one day after noticing how her heels made Y/n walk weirdly. “Why don’t you just wear sneakers?”

Y/n scoffed, as if what he had said was ridiculous. “Real women don't wear sneakers to work, Joon.”

“Whatever you say, Y/n.” Namjoon had tried hard to stop the urge of rolling his eyes.

Ever since that, he didn’t even want to talk about her heels. “Let her suffer if she wanted that,” he always reminded himself.

Y/n walked to his full-length mirror inside his room and stared at herself. “What’s wrong with this?”

“Just change into more comfortable clothes,” Namjoon said from the living room. “You’d look out of place."

With that, Y/n closed the bedroom door behind her and grumbled. “This is perfectly fine. People do go out after work to a bazaar.”

She actually said more than that. Way more. But at this point, he didn’t even bother to listen to her. It wasn’t like this was his first time ignoring her blabbers. And he was pretty sure she was used to it, too.

Minutes later, Y/n came out to the living room wearing Namjoon’s hoodie and sweatpants. She even managed to find a pair of his sandals that he thought was gone. Sure her outfit now swallowed her, but at least it was more comfortable.

“Alright, let’s go!” was the last thing she said before they left his apartment.

A boba tea and a corn dog later, Namjoon and Y/n were walking aimlessly. They were just following the direction other people were taking, not really sure themselves where they would end up.

“Aren’t you glad I forced you out of that stuffy apartment?”

“Nope. I still rather be on my couch.”

Y/n frowned. “What?” She gestured to their surroundings. “This is so much better.” She saw a small bench and sat on it, gesturing to him to sit beside her. “I think you need to take a breather and just relax, my dude. Whatever problems you have at work, they don’t exist for now.”

“It’s easy for you to say that.”

Y/n slurped hard on her drink, trying to get as many bobas as possible into her mouth. “You-”. Chew. “-think too much-”. Chew. “-of things you can’t-”. Chew. “-control.”

“Okay, finish your drink first. That’s disgusting.”

Y/n laughed while trying to stop her bobas from coming out of her mouth. After succeeding to suppress her laughter, she chewed on the bobas thoroughly before swallowing them.

“You’re an overthinker who misses on great things in life just because you’re too caught up in your problems. And when you realize you missed those things, it’ll be all too late.” Y/n then continued finishing her drink in silence while he was registering what she just said.

He was so focused on his thoughts to the point he didn’t even realize when Y/n had left him to find a trash can. He was only drawn back to reality when Y/n came to him running and yelling his name in excitement.

Y/n spoke in rapid speed to the point she sounded like speaking gibberish. The only thing he heard was “fortune teller” before Y/n yanked on his hand and dragged him to a small kiosk.

The kiosk was mostly empty. No customers were surrounding it unlike other kiosks. But it wasn’t what set it apart from the others. It was the big letters in front of it that read “fortune teller” in big bold text. Inside, there was only one woman sitting, unmoving, seemingly reading something, a book maybe.

Aware of his and Y/n’s presence, the fortune teller looked up from the book and smiled at them both. Unlike what the media portrayed fortune tellers were, that they were scary and mysterious, her smile was warm and friendly.

“Is there something I can do?” The fortune teller closed the book and stood up.

“Yes!” Y/n replied. “My friend here-” She gestured to Namjoon “-wants to know his future.” After a few seconds of pause, she added, “And about his soulmate too, please.”

Before he could respond, the fortune teller beat him to it. “Very well.” The fortune teller cracked her knuckles before staring deep into his eyes. Her gaze somehow made him feel naked, vulnerable.

They hold their gaze for a while. As seconds became minutes, he felt breathless, and hot. The gaze that at first was soft but strong, became sharper and almost felt painful. But not long after, the fortune teller focused back at Y/n who stood still beside him, gawking at her. He could finally let out a breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“From what I can tell, your friend is on the right track. He’s doing well, but he won’t be if he can’t appreciate the simple things in life,” the fortune teller explained. “As for his soulmate, he already knows who they are, he even knows where they are. The only thing left for him to do is just to figure it out within himself.”

The thing was, he didn’t believe in fortune tellers, astrology, and whatnot. He never even cared about things like that. But seeing Y/n’s grin and the glint in her eyes as she thanked the fortune teller and gave her a tip, he didn’t say anything against it. As much as Y/n called him boring, he wasn’t the type to burst people’s bubble of happiness.

Throughout the walk to Y/n’s apartment, she kept talking about what the fortune teller had said.

“Gosh, I can’t believe you know who your soulmate is.” Y/n lightly punched on his arm. “You never tell me anything.”

Namjoon shrugged. “What’s there to talk about? I don’t know who my soulmate is either. I apparently need to figure it out myself.”

“I know what we can do!”

This sounded like he was about to be in for a bad time. “What?”

“Let’s go do something different! Maybe you'll find your revelation or whatever.”

He really wanted to scoff. “How does that even work?”

“Don’t know. But it's worth a try. Do you want to figure out who your soulmate is or not?”

Of course he did. “Of course I do. What kind of question... ”

Y/n clapped her hands together. “Good! Tomorrow I’ll pick you up. Get ready for a week full of surprises.”

“Wait what? I never signed up for this.”

Y/n rolled her eyes. “You did sign up. You said you want to find your soulmate.”

“But not tomorrow!” he raised his voice in frustration. “We have work on Monday.”

“Just call your boss that you’ll be gone for a week.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Dude, bro, my guy, you need to live in the moment. Plus, you haven’t taken a leave in years. Years, Namjoon.”

He inhaled long and hard before exhaling it slowly. His best friend seriously was going to be the death of him.

“Please.” Y/n looked up at him. He suddenly became aware of the massive height difference they had.

It wasn't that Y/n was short. She said it herself that she was the average height although he didn’t really believe that. She just looked so tiny compared to him. But, on the other side, Namjoon was quite tall for a guy around his age.

He groaned. “Ugh, not the puppy eyes. Seriously.”

“Does that mean I win?” There was a soft gleam of hope in her eyes.

Namjoon was a strong man. At least, that was what everyone who knew him had said about him. So it was weird for the always composed and well mannered man to have a weakness. And to have that weakness took in the form of his childhood best friend was even weirder. What in his best friend that didn’t exist in literally anything that could melt his heart like no other? Puppies and kittens could never even compare. His cute bonsais, too, couldn’t even compare.

He might never find the answer to that. Heck maybe he found out about his soulmate before he could answer that. He could only shook his head in disbelief as Y/n put her bunny headband on his hair.

It was Saturday at 8 a.m, the morning after the fortune teller incident. Y/n simply invited herself into his apartment while he was still in the shower. It was one of the things he regretted after giving her the keys to his apartment. It was meant to be used during emergencies, not for her getting all cozy here and thinking this was her place.

He was walking out of the bedroom, fully dressed and ready for the day, when he heard a sizzling sound coming from the kitchen. He stepped closer to the kitchen and as it came into view, he saw Y/n cooking with her back facing him.

He thought he was being quiet, but apparently not because Y/n turned around and greeted him with a beaming smile.

"Morning! I'm making you some omelette and there's coffee on the table." She pointed at the mug on the table with smoke still puffing out of it. "Exactly two teaspoons as you like it." Then she continued cooking as if nothing had happened.

He was speechless as he looked at the mess in his kitchen. Egg shells on the floor, ketchup smeared all over the kitchen counter, and some puddles on the floor could be seen. It was as if a tornado just came.

“What is all this?” he asked when he finally found his voice.

Y/n carefully plated the omelette before proudly putting the plate beside the coffee. “This is what I call breakfast. Bet you usually only drink coffee in the morning.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Look at the kitchen, Y/n! Who’s gonna clean up after this?”

Y/n took a look around the kitchen with a readable and all too familiar facial expression.

“I know what you’re gonna say,” Namjoon said as he took a seat. “And to that, I say, I don’t want to clean up your mess. You clean it up.”

She lifted her hands in surrender. “Fine, geez. A thank you would be nice.”

“You not making a mess would be appreciated.”

“Touché."

Usually when he had coffee in the morning, he felt that adrenaline rush. The kind that made you feel giddy, restless, and even made you tremble. This time, thanks to Y/n's cooking, he didn’t feel any of those. He was tempted to tell Y/n about this, but in the end, he just kept it to himself. He didn’t want to fuel her ego. It wasn’t a very good idea to do that so early into this “Journey to Find Namjoon’s Soulmate” or whatever Y/n had called it last night.

Even if he told him all those things, chances were she wasn’t going to listen to him as she was busy admiring her work on his hair. The bunny headband finally put on properly and held his hair away from his face.

“Have you ever put on a face mask before?” Y/n handed him a face mask.

“Umm, no.”

“Let me put it on you.” She smiled as she took back the face mask from his hand.

Within seconds, her trained hands successfully put the face mask on his face. And not long after, her face was also wearing one.

“We’re matching!” Y/n grinned at him. “Let’s take a selfie,” she said as she pulled out her phone.

He wasn’t big on selfies, he didn’t even remember the last time he took one. But seeing the huge smile on his best friend’s face was enough for him to reluctantly agree.

He forced a smile at the camera. He realized it looked awkward as Y/n shoved their photo in front of his face to show him the result. It looked even more ridiculous with the bunny headband on top of his head. However, the girl looked like she didn’t mind as she kept babbling on about how this was their first selfie in years and she wanted to upload it so bad.

“-will ask me about you. And what’s going to happen to me when you date one of them?”

A silence followed her ramblings until he realized she just asked him a question.

He cleared his throat. “First of all, just because I’m dating, doesn’t mean you can’t still be my best friend. Second of all, isn’t the purpose of this… adventure is to find my soulmate?”

Y/n eyes widened in realization. “You’re right! I’m gonna post it then.” As she was about to hit the post button on her phone, she looked at him. “Wait. What should I caption it?”

20 minutes later, when the once cold mask was no longer cold and it started to dry a bit, Y/n carefully peeled the mask from both their faces.

“What do you feel?” Y/n asked expectantly.

Namjoon didn’t even know how to answer that. Truth to be told, these skin care products never really made an impactful difference on his skin, hence the reason he didn’t have a skin care routine. The most he ever did was just wash his face with a face wash and even that was a leftover he found in his sister’s old room a few weeks after she left for uni. A side note, don’t even ask him why he was in her room, he wouldn’t answer it truthfully. His parents would probably say that he missed her, but he knew it wasn’t true… right?

The lack of response from him was enough for Y/n to catch on what he was feeling.

“You don’t feel anything, huh?”

“Wetness on my face.” His answer sounded more like a question.

“You’re unbelievable. Well, since today is just the first day, I’ll let it go. But, the correct answer to that is refreshed, Joon,” Y/n explained in exasperation as she scratched her head.

“What does that have to do with finding my soulmate?”

“You might find out your soulmate faster if you’re not stressed,” Y/n said as a matter-of-factly.

He sighed. “You know what, I don’t even bother to argue with you.”

“Cause you know I’m right.”

That night when he was about to fall asleep, when he was only half-aware of his surroundings, the memory of today’s activity played in his mind. The messy kitchen as his best friend attempted to make him breakfast. Her proud smile as she served his food. The focused look on her face when he was putting on her headband and the face mask on him. And lastly, the tired smile she offered him as she said goodbye when the day ended after they binge watched on Netflix. For the first time in years, he fell asleep with a smile plastered on his face.

The next morning on Sunday, he woke up much earlier than usual. He even woke up feeling energized. He could even feel anticipation bubbling inside of him. The last time he felt like this was when he was around 9 and his parents gave him tickets to Disneyland as a birthday gift. Simply put, he felt like a kid again, waiting for great things that were about to happen today.

As he smiled at the memories of his childhood, he couldn’t help but realize that maybe Y/n was right all along. She always nagged on him because all he did was to mope around on his old couch and get drunk when things got too hard.

“Live in the moment, dude,” she had said multiple times. “You worry too much like an old man who fears the end of the world.”

What a great metaphor, Y/n.

Just like the day before, Y/n entered his apartment without notice. But this time, instead of being in the shower, he was already dressed and waiting for her. He could feel his heart beat get faster when he heard the door being opened.

Y/n widened her eyes in surprise before she smirked. “I like the energy. Let’s just go, then!”

For the second activity in The Journey to Find Namjoon’s Soulmate, Y/n took him to an…

“Animal shelter?” Namjoon asked in disbelief.

Y/n nodded. “I want to see cute animals.”

“We can just go to the zoo.”

“It’s expensive. And they don't really care about animals."

Ever since the start of their friendship, he could never win against her wittiness. So this wasn’t really a rare occurrence where she said an argument so wrong yet so right.

“But a zoo is intended for exactly that purpose. Rather than you playing with those sheltered animals but not adopting one of them in the end,” Namjoon explained.

“Oh, shush. Stop being a party-” Y/n’s eyes suddenly caught a puppy running towards her. “Oh my God, come here, baby!” she yelled as she scooped the puppy up in her arms.

For a few minutes, it was just Y/n cooing at the puppy and he was just eyeing her in amusement. He knew that she would go mushy and all excited around animals, so he couldn’t really blame her for seemingly forgetting about him. Plus, he didn’t want to miss out on seeing Y/n using baby voices to talk to the animals.

His amusement was interrupted when Y/n abruptly shoved the puppy towards him.

“Wha-? I don’t-”

“Just take it. We’re here for you, not me.”

Namjoon sighed in defeat as he accepted the puppy into his arms. Its tail wagging so fast, going for miles per second, to the point he could feel its body shaking from the impact. Its big eyes looking up at Namjoon in… adoration? Maybe going to the shelter might be one of his favorite activities from now on.

They only went home after an entire day spent at the shelter. Namjoon was tired, he almost couldn’t keep his eyes open, but Y/n was probably more tired than him cause she kept running around to chase every puppy and kitten she saw.

He tried to stop her, knowing she would get tired, but she said, “Each one of them deserve love, okay,” before running around yet again.

Now as they sat in the bus on their way home, he saw out of the corner of his eyes Y/n’s head bobbing down every once in a while, following the motion of the bus. He snorted while he tried to hold his laugh. What he had thought would happen, really happened.

Feeling bad because he knew that would feel uncomfortable, he lightly directed Y/n’s head to rest on his shoulder. Instinctively, Y/n snuggled further into his shoulder to make herself more comfortable and when she was finally satisfied, she sighed.

This awfully looked like he was going to have a guest tonight.

The third day was on a Monday. He knew he was weird, Y/n had told him repeatedly, but he really liked Mondays. For him, it was finally the day in which he could do something about his problems at work that he just left off on Friday.

“I swear, you’re literally the personification of weird,” Y/n had commented one day.

To be honest, he didn’t really care if he was really what she had said. Can’t someone like something without being judged?

Right after they both woke up and had breakfast, Y/n went back to her apartment to get ready for the day.

Before leaving, she instructed him to find light clothes as they were going to spend time outdoors for the day. Exactly like what she said, he chose to wear an old t-shirt he had owned since he was in college and khaki shorts he found at the pit of his wardrobe.

“I hope they have mint choco flavor!” Y/n jumped up and down in excitement as they got closer to the ice cream parlor.

“Ew, why do you even like to eat cold toothpaste?” Namjoon asked rhetorically.

Y/n gasped. “What is this mint choco slander? You, mister, have never tasted life until you eat mint choco ice cream.”

“No, thanks. I bet I’d taste death eating those.”

Flabbergasted, Y/n stopped in her tracks and glared at him. “You-”

He quickly cut her off, “Let’s not continue the argument before there’s a bloodbath.”

Y/n chuckled proudly. “Because you know it’d be your blood that’ll be spilled.”

“Um, no,” he interjected. “I think you mistake your blood with mine.”

“Really? You wanna fight?” Y/n took a fighting stance in front of him in which Namjoon just grabbed her elbow and pulled her to walk again.

"Stop that! The kids will think you're one of them," he mumbled.

They were at a busy park surrounding a lake. Kids were running all around the place. Some parents tried to chase them but some went as far as scolding them. A small portion of parents even just let their kids disappear into the crowd of people. He doubted those parents even care about their kids.

He never knew such a place like this existed. During the three days he spent on this journey, he had learned and knew more things than all of his life experiences combined. Maybe he’d have to thank Y/n after they reached the end of this journey.

“I start to think this journey is just your excuse to have a holiday.”

“No way. This is totally 100% for you. Speaking of that, do you already have an idea who your soulmate might be?”

Namjoon shook his head as he opened the door to the ice parlor and gestured to her to enter first. “Just get your damn ice cream.”

There was a long line of people waiting to order, but soon enough, it was their turn.

Even before the cashier could greet them, Y/n already blurted out a question. “Do you have mint choco flavour?”

“We’re unfortunately ran out of it. Maybe you want to try mocha instead?”

Y/n pouted in disappointment as she was trying to find the next best flavor in the menu.

Though mint choco ice cream was his mortal enemy, he couldn’t help but to feel a pang of sadness upon seeing his best friend’s reaction. There was nothing worse than having your first choice unavailable.

“You know what? I changed my mind, bubblegum is now my favorite,” Y/n commented as they walked out of the parlor. A cup of bubblegum flavored ice cream in Y/n’s hand and the vanilla one in Namjoon’s. “Goodbye, mint choco.”

“See? You’re finally agreeing with me.”

“Yeah, but for different reasons. I still think it tastes good, but bubblegum is better. It’s a good thing they ran out of mint choco.”

“Your taste in ice cream is weird.”

“Why would they make these flavors then if not for me to enjoy?” she argued as she put more ice cream into her mouth. She closed her eyes and hummed in content. “I haven’t had ice cream in weeks. I miss how cold it feels.”

“I think you’re exaggerating.” There was no way, in his opinion, not even in alternate universes where she could stand not eating ice cream for weeks. She had a sweet tooth and couldn’t stand not eating ice cream in weeks, at least that was what he knew since the start of their friendship.

“Nope. These past few weeks, my boss has been giving me double the amount of work. I have to work overtime and by the time I’m off work, all ice cream places have closed. So I’m gonna savour all of this as much as I can. God knows when I can get ice cream again.”

Shortly after she said that, a kid, approximately around 9 years old, bumped into Namjoon and accidentally made him drop his ice cream. The kid, unaware of what just happened, just mindlessly bowing and saying sorry before running again to chase his friends.

“Oh no!” Y/n squatted down near the sorry sight of his ice cream.

Before he even registered what was happening, she handed him her ice cream. “Hold it for me.”

Instinctively, he held her ice cream. “Y/n, there’s no need for that. We can find the cleaning service and ask them to clean it.”

He didn’t know whether she was purposely ignoring him or she was so focused to the point she didn’t hear him. All he knew was the fact that she kept on cleaning up as best as she could. And that there was nothing he could do to stop her.

A few minutes later, Y/n jumped up from her squatting position. “All done!” She tossed the now dirty tissue in a trash can nearby.

She thanked Namjoon and took her ice cream back from him. But instead of eating it herself, she scooped some with the spoon and directed it in front of his face.

He must have looked bewildered because Y/n smiled and spoke, “We must share since you lost yours.”

He could swear when she said that, he felt warmth all around his body, originating from his chest. She just said she missed ice cream, yet when he lost his, she didn’t hesitate to share it.

“No, but thanks.”

Y/n frowned and softly touched the tip of the spoon to his lips. Reluctantly, he let her spoon-feed him.

“You said you want to savour it?” he asked after he swallowed.

Her answer, however, was something he never expected coming out from her mouth.

“What’s sweeter than eating ice cream is sharing it with your best friend.”

He swore he almost broke into tears at her words.

He knew how much she loved sweet foods. She even frequently ran to him crying when her brother ate all of her chocolate when they were kids. She broke many friendships because they didn’t want to accept her overpriced candies as presents. Heck, even a moment ago they were arguing about ice cream flavors!

This was a new side of Y/n that he just saw. A side she never showed him before, her best friend slash her only friend. He felt like he was learning more about Y/n than he was about his future soulmate.

So that was how their third day ended. Namjoon and her sitting on a bench facing the lake as they take turns to take a bite of her ice cream.

On Tuesday, the fourth day, Y/n had the genius idea of going on a road trip. It was a huge problem, because one: he couldn’t drive, and two: he wasn’t about to let Y/n drive for hours on end.

“This doesn’t sound like a very good idea,” Namjoon said for the millionth time that morning as Y/n stuffed their luggages into the tiny trunk in her tiny car. “Plus, I don’t think your car can withstand long hours on the road.”

"Shush." She forcefully closed the trunk. "You can't drive, therefore you don't deserve to have an opinion."

The car in question was a 2010 car that originally was owned by Y/n’s dad and given to her when she got a driver’s license. Please note that Y/n had told him long ago that she actually didn’t drive that much and probably wouldn’t need a car since she enjoyed taking the bus to work. Nevertheless, she refused to sell the car when she was in need of money after moving out of her parents’ house. She had said, and Namjoon still remembered it clearly, that, “I want to keep this bad boy until he’s an antique, then I want to sell him to the highest bidder, so I can be rich."

‘Okay’, Namjon had thought, ‘but antique cars are usually just sitting in the garage, not being overworked like Y/n’s.’ However, he never said anything, so Y/n automatically had thought she won again against him.

Minutes later, they were already on the road, going nowhere in particular. Namjoon was still steadfast in his stance. This wasn’t going to end well.

But what if he could persuade her to turn the car around by another means? He wasn't going to pass up this opportunity, so he tried again.

"Won't you be tired? Sleepy?" asked him.

"I'm not weak, Namjoon. Contrary to what you see me as, I'm as strong as you are, if not stronger."

"I lift three times a week." His words sounded more like a question.

"I walk up the stairs to the fifth floor multiple times a day."

Okay, this wasn't where the conversation was supposed to flow, but he wasn't going to back down.

"It's not my fault your apartment is crappy," he clapped back. “They can’t even fix their damn lift.”

"They will get it fixed soon, don't worry."

"That's what they said months ago!"

"Then what do you want me to do?" she challenged him.

"Find a new apartment!"

"They're all expensive. Plus, I’ve lived there since college, I’m kinda attached to it."

"You're a hopeless cause," he mumbled quietly, she probably didn't hear him.

After a few seconds of silence, Namjoon tried again, this time using another different approach.

"What if something terrible happens?"

"No, it won't. Relax. Chill. You're worrying too much. Why don't you just take a nap?"

"You're too chill, Y/n. We go out to nowhere without booking-"

"It's okay, really."

“How?” he asked, exasperated of how calm she was when they were about to go somewhere empty handed and with no planning whatsoever.

“How? Umm, I was on a road trip once.”

He wasn’t convinced. “When? You never tell me anything about it.”

“I don’t need to tell you everything I do! It was when I was 12. My dad and uncle took me along with them to go around the country.”

“12 years old, Y/n! You were 12. Now you’re in your 20s.” Namjoon wasn’t amused at all at this point. “Turn the car around now!”

“What? No!” Y/n exclaimed. “This is an important part of the journey. Being at a place you’re familiar with won’t help you dig deeper into yourself. You’d just be too preoccupied with your problems.” Then Y/n finished her speech off with a quiet mumble, “You’ll never find anything new by being in your comfort zone.”

Namjoon hated once again at how right her words were. He really wanted to argue with her, but she was right. Being on his couch all day, doing the same things everyday, wouldn’t change anything in his life.

He took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Fine, okay, you win. Happy?”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Y/n grinned. “Very.”

That night they arrived at a small motel that probably only had like 10 rooms at most. It had a homey feeling, but the stench coming from the lobby, though. It was unbearable for him.

As they dragged their suitcases while they were trying to find their room amidst the numberless doors, Namjoon asked Y/n, “Why are we in this crappy motel again?”

To answer that, Y/n shrugged. “Don’t know. I just saw the signs and went straight in.”

“Didn’t you smell something at the receptionist?”

They finally arrived in front of their room. They didn’t actually know it was their room, but based on the instructions that the creepy receptionist just gave them, there was a high chance this was it.

Y/n answered as she opened the door. “Yeah. The receptionist actually whispered to me that they just finished eradicating rats. He said there was an infestation in the lobby.”

He couldn’t help but to grimace while following her into the room. She had been told about all of that and she still decided to rent a room. He would never understand her way of thinking even after years of friendship.

As if she could read his mind, she spoke, “Don’t worry. All the rats were successfully killed and all of them were in the lobby. We’re safe.”

“How do you know?”

“I asked him. I’m not stupid, Joon.”

He raised his hands in surrender. “Geez, chill. I just asked you a question.”

And that was how their fourth day concluded.

For the first time since the start of the journey, Namjoon finally initiated an activity on the fifth day.

He managed to browse on his phone for things they could do, eat breakfast with whatever food they had, and even pack lunch for the both of them before Y/n even woke up.

When she woke up, he hesitantly asked her to go hiking. Throughout the journey this far, he only followed wherever she wanted to go, so he didn’t really expect the reaction that he got from her after proposing his idea.

She widened her eyes as she digested his words and her breakfast. “Hiking? Where?”

“Behind this motel, there’s a small hill. What do you think?”

Y/n nodded a little too enthusiastically. “Let’s go. Spending a day with nature doesn’t hurt.”

Oh, how wrong she was.

The idea was for them to hike together, maybe even side by side, as they enjoyed the view. But instead, Namjoon left her a solid 50 meters.

Perhaps it was because he was taller, therefore he had longer legs and strides, or because he was excited, so he walked faster, or even both. No one really knew for sure, not even him.

“Joon!” she called once again in the span of less than 5 minutes. “Don’t walk too fast!”

Namjoon sighed as he stopped in his tracks, waiting for her to catch up with him. She was lucky she was his only best friend or he would’ve strangled her by now because of her naggings.

Quite a surprise to himself, when she finally caught up with him, he squatted down and ordered her to ride on his back. He wasn’t sure what had possessed him, but he just went with it. Maybe his unconscious thought that she would quit complaining if she was on his back. There was only one way to find out.

“Why? I can walk on my own.” She wiped the sweat on her forehead with a tissue.

He scoffed. “You look like you’re about to pass out any second. Just shut up and let me carry you.”

He didn’t know what he had expected from giving someone a piggyback ride and that someone to be Y/n, but he was sure a strangling grip around his neck wasn’t part of the deal.

“Can you-” Gasp. “-not strangle me?”

Y/n immediately let go of him. The warmth of her embrace suddenly disappeared. “Oops. Sorry.”

Once they arrived at the top, Y/n jumped off his back. “Woah, this is so cool.” She pointed at the motel that now looked small. “That’s our motel!” she exclaimed.

They found a large flat rock that they both could sit on and ate lunch together.

As she munched on her food, she asked, “Have you figured out who your soulmate is?”

“Not yet. I start to think this doesn’t work.”

“Good things take time, my dude.”

Oh, how he really wished it was true.

“Hey,” Y/n’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Do you know that I always wanted to tick off ‘hiking’ from my wishlist?”

“The wishlist you had since you’re 10?”

She nodded. “After more than a decade, I finally finished everything on my wishlist.” She suddenly broke into a fit of giggles. “I’m gonna make a new one once we’re home.”

“What’s going to be in it?” he asked curiously.

Y/n took a moment to think before answering, “Maybe… to find my soulmate.” It came out more like a question rather than an answer.

She abruptly chuckled. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if in the end we figure out our soulmates in this journey?”

A lightning fast thought struck him but disappeared just as fast as it came. Throughout the rest of the day, he was trying to recall that thought to no avail.

The next day, on Thursday, they were going home. They couldn’t handle another hour, no scratch that, they couldn’t even handle another minute at the motel. Opposite to what Y/n had initially thought, the stench of rat carcass reached far beyond the lobby to their room.

A series of “see I told you so”s later, Namjoon finally broke her.

“Yes, Namjoon. Thanks for telling me that. I know you’re right and I’m wrong. Now please put on a song, I want to sing.”

Another thing Y/n was bad at, according to him, was singing. He knew she liked to sing, she’d told him about it, but he never understood how she managed to be so confident yet so bad at it. If he were told to rank between her ability to sing and choose a good motel, he’d probably have put singing as the first place based on how bad she was at it. Call him a bad friend, but he was just being honest.

However, he still played a song just to satisfy her. An easy song that no one can screw up, but he knew she would still screw up anyways. After all, enduring her cracked singing voice was the least he could do after being driven from and to a crappy motel.

And then she sang. And sang. And sang. One song turned to three turned to five then ten and fifteen. Before she went for the sixteenth song, Namjoon stopped her.

“Aren’t you thirsty from singing?” Nice catch! The question was just an attempt to make her stop a while so he could regain his hearing.

“Don’t even have to ask.”

As she gulped down water from her flask, Namjoon eyed her warily. He prayed, and he was an atheist, that she would forget about singing.

He didn’t know which God had answered his prayers, but when Y/n put down her flask, she already babbled about something else other than singing. Looked like the world, and God, were on his side today.

She was talking about the random bird that was flying straight to her car, almost hitting the car. Also about a dog that stuck out its head from the car beside them. And about how expensive the motel was for being smelly and dirty.

Lastly, “Do you think I cut out to be a singer?”

Yeah, maybe he was pushing his luck.

Day seven fell on a Friday. They spent the day walking hand in hand leisurely on the beach. Beside him, Y/n was talking about what color she should dye her hair next.

“I think I should go with green. What do you think?” Y/n nudged his side with her elbow and wiggled her eyebrows.

“Your boss won't let you dye your hair crazy colors,” he said. “Please don’t do anything that can get you fired.”

Y/n pouted at his answer. But soon her frown vanished as her eyes fell upon a bikini in a display of a store.

Namjoon exhaled. He knew exactly what was going to happen.

True enough, Y/n pulled on his hand that was still clasped in hers towards the store and only stopped after they were in front of the display.

“What a cute bikini!” she cooed before running inside the store, leaving a bewildered Namjoon outside.

Right when he entered the store, he heard a squeal that could only belong to one person.

He turned to the source of the sound and saw Y/n laughing with a store clerk. A male and handsome store clerk.

He wasn't the type of person who gets jealous easily or possessive, but he never saw Y/n with a man other than himself. So he couldn't really help it when he felt jealousy seeped through his gritted teeth. But he soon had forgotten about it when Y/n looked up at him and grinned.

Y/n approached him while holding a bikini set.

“This is their latest design. I’m gonna try it. Wait for me!” Then she disappeared to the fitting room before he could remind her that she didn’t wear bikinis.

Throughout the time he had known her, not even once she ever said anything about bikinis, let alone wearing one and he had known her since they were in diapers. What made her suddenly want to have a bikini?

Minutes later, after a series of clanking noises and a few curses, Y/n came out of the fitting room and he couldn’t believe what he saw. Surely the fitting room was a magic box or something, because there was no way his childhood best friend, his innocent Y/n, came out looking like a model out of a magazine. Well, maybe more like a model before they got heavily photoshopped since he still could see some tiny spots, cellulite, and scars on her skin. And maybe a plus size model because her hips would be considered wide compared to those models. But he didn’t mind them, they made her look more… natural, more human.

While he was busy admiring her, a cough suddenly woke him from his daze. He turned to see the store clerk from earlier, now standing beside him.

“You look very beautiful,” he commented, not minding the killing glare coming from Namjoon.

Y/n, without heeding the store clerk’s compliment, asked, “Joon, do you think this is okay?”

Namjoon was tempted to say, “Just okay? You look like a greek goddess who just blessed me with her presence.” But he was too paralyzed to say anything.

“I think you look great,” the store clerk spoke up again. For a split second right after he said that, he looked at Y/n’s thighs before looking at her eyes again.

It happened so fast, Namjoon thought he was just imagining it. But when Y/n’s facial expression turned sour and she quickly went back to the fitting room, he was wondering whether she saw that too.

His suspicion was confirmed right after they left the store.

“I can’t believe it!” she said while stomping beside him. “He looked at my thighs, Joon! Did you see it, too?”

He just hummed.

Y/n huffed. “I’m going to file a complaint to their manager.”

“You won’t do that,” he replied knowingly.

“I’m gonna make it viral, then. Let the whole world see how horrible he is.”

Namjoon really wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. “How? You don’t have footage of him doing it.”

“Damn, you’re right,” she mumbled. “Maybe I’m just not meant to have a bikini.”

A lot of thoughts ran through his mind. He wanted to let her know how pretty she looked in that bikini. How captivating the curves in her body were. But in the end, he only suppressed all of that. In his justification, he wanted a more appropriate timing. He didn’t want to say all that to her when she was mad or she’d think he said that to make her feel better. He wanted not just to comfort her, but to actually make her realize how beautiful she was.

On Saturday, his second favorite day after Monday, Y/n arrived a bit later at his apartment compared the days before. But when she saw him ready for the day, she said, “I’m giving you a chance to wake up late, but whatever.”

As per usual, Y/n didn’t tell him where they were going, and he was surprised when they arrived in front of a large building with a sign that read “library”.

Looking at Namjoon’s puzzled face, Y/n probably could read what was in his mind. “You still have no idea who your soulmate is, right? I just think that maybe it’s because we’ve focused so much on doing physical activities instead of, like, feeding the mind.”

“Huh?”

“Maybe we can do a little bit of reading. Because, you know, reading is like eating but for the mind. Or whatever that quote is supposed to go,” she elaborated.

“I read in my free time.”

“Have you read anything during this entire journey?” she raised an eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes. “That’s because of your brilliant idea of having a journey. Had you let me sit down on my couch, I would’ve read the entire biography of the founding fathers by now.”

“Gosh, you’re so boring. No wonder you haven’t found your soulmate. And for the record, you learned a lot of things from this journey. Things that might help you find your soulmate. You know what, let’s just go.” With that, Y/n pulled on his hand and stepped into the library.

Namjoon was in the middle of reading a philosophy book when Y/n suddenly spoke to him.

“I can’t focus, Joon,” she whined. “I have too many things on my mind.”

Those words were the most terrifying words he had ever heard, especially if they came out of Y/n’s mouth. Every time he heard those words, he felt like he wasn’t being attentive enough towards his friends to the point he didn’t know that something was disturbing their peace. And that feeling was heightened when Y/n was the one in trouble. He knew her for the longest time, shouldn’t he be more caring towards her?

He breath hitched, anticipating what Y/n had to say. “Why?”

She took a deep inhale before exhaling slowly. “I know this stupid because it hasn’t ended yet, but I already miss this journey.”

Obviously he didn’t want to admit it in front of her, she would get a crazy idea otherwise, but he, too, could feel a pang in his chest that felt awfully familiar. It was the same feeling he got when he moved out of his parents’ house and when he was reminiscing the time he spent with his late dog. Also when he graduated from high school and had to leave his high school friends to pursue higher education. He wasn’t a stranger to this feeling. In fact, he knew it too well.

Y/n was right, though. It was indeed stupid to feel this way because they still had one more day together.

So he responded with, “We’re still in this journey. And even after this journey ends, we can still go on adventures together,” as a weak attempt to console her and also himself.

“It’s not the adventures that I miss. It’s the time we spend together. We’ve never spent this much time together.”

Of course he knew that. He knew he was going to miss the time they spent together, but his own pride made him unable to act vulnerable in front of her. Especially in the time when she needed him the most.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each deep within their own thoughts. That was when a crazy idea suddenly came to him. He usually wasn’t the one coming with crazy ideas, it was kinda Y/n’s thing and she probably would have copyrighted it if it was possible. But he wasn’t just going to be quiet at a time in crises like this.

“We can arrange some small one-day adventures every month. How does that sound?”

Y/n smiled although it didn’t reach her eyes. “Sounds great. Just promise me you won’t rain check on me.”

It worked! He successfully made her smile again. As he cheered inside his mind, he assured her, “I won’t. I’ll write it on my calendar.”

Namjoon dreaded the last day of The Journey to Find Namjoon’s Soulmate more than when he was called for a job interview by a big company. He even had clammy hands and was sweating bullets. His hand trembled as he waited for Y/n to announce what they were going to do on this last day.

“Holiday has to be concluded with a lazy day. So I call for breakfast in bed,” Y/n explained as she once again wrecked his kitchen.

“I’m not in my bed, though.”

“Your bed is not locked for the rest of the day once you’re out of it,” Y/n said in a matter-of-factly.

“But please don’t ruin my kitchen.”

Y/n briefly stopped cooking as she looked around the kitchen. Then she shrugged. “Well, it’s too late. You should’ve said that earlier.”

He originally had thought that Y/n would make food for him, give it to him, clean the kitchen, then left. But he was surprised when Y/n came back to his bedroom while holding a plate of her own after delivering his.

“Move,” she commanded before shimmying beside him on the bed. She grabbed the remote on the nightstand and turned on the TV.

“Now, we relax. Because we’ll be stressed out of our minds tomorrow.” She leaned back and started eating her bacon.

So that was pretty much how their ninth day went. But that wasn’t all.

Long after they had finished their food, they still watched the TV. Messy kitchen and other duties were long forgotten.

As time passed by, Namjoon found himself cuddling Y/n while she rested her head on his buff chest. And not long after, they both fell asleep in that position with the TV still playing in the background.

But all of that couldn’t last long as tomorrow they had to go to work. So after waking up from their nap, they cleaned the kitchen and Y/n went home before it got too dark.

Instantly after Y/n closed the door behind her, Namjoon felt empty. It wasn’t just his apartment that felt empty, but also his mind and soul. He was already used to her constant nagging, her constant company, and her voice. He wanted to run to her and tell her to extend their journey, but obviously, that was impossible. They had responsibilities, especially since they just neglected them for a week.

On Monday, the day that used to be his favorite but now he loathed it, he came home to a voice message from the person he’d been waiting for.

“Hey. Sorry I didn’t talk to you yesterday whether you’ve found your soulmate or not. I was anxious about work so I forgot. Umm… As soon as you receive this message, please call or text me, okay? I wanna hear what you thought.”

He couldn’t help but also notice something in her voice. Fatigue? Or was it sadness? He swore he could hear it and wasn’t just imagining it.

Wanting to check up on her, he automatically called her. First ring. Second ring. Third ring. He waited and waited, but it only went to her voicemail.

Not giving up so early to talk to his best friend, he rang her again. And waited. And waited. And kept waiting. But just like the first time, she didn’t pick up her phone.

In the end, he settled with sending her a text.

He didn’t know why he was suddenly nervous as he typed the message.

It said, “I still don’t have an idea who that might be. Maybe the journey didn’t work. But, hey, are you sad? Or maybe sick?”

He only got the reply the next day at lunch. He kinda hoped to read long messages about how he shouldn’t be so pessimistic and that he surely would find his soulmate, just like how Y/n usually talked. But instead, she just replied with, “What a bummer.”

He only sighed in disappointment.

The next few days were grim and hard for him. His boss gave him so much work despite having to catch up on his other work. Every time he rode the bus from and to work, he remembered Y/n’s slouched position beside him as they came home from the animal shelter. He could almost feel her head on his shoulder again.

Every time he played a song, he got reminded of the time when he had to endure Y/n’s off-key singing. A memory played in his mind every time he passed an ice cream parlor. Heck, he even missed the feeling of anticipation that he felt every time he woke up in the morning.

What was worst of all though was the fact that they didn’t talk at all after her last text. Not even the occasional text messages or sending each other memes just like what they used to do before the journey started.

He knew it was because they both had a lot of catch up to do after neglecting work for a week, but he really wished that they could spare a bit of time to talk together.

Oh, how silly he was when he dismissed her for missing their time together back at the library. What made him feel even more silly was him being a coward and not admitting back then that he was, too, going to miss spending time together.

One particular night, he had trouble sleeping worse than any other night he had been missing Y/n. He kept turning around, hoping to find a comfortable position to fall asleep in, but to no avail. In the end, he gave up and settled to reminiscing their time together.

As he delved into his memories, every single activity they did, every word she said, and every place they went to, his half-awake mind came upon a realization.

He missed her enthusiasm that could lift his bad mood instantly. He missed her pushiness that made him do things he didn’t want to do, only to show him that she knew what he would like. He also missed her short legs and her whines when he walked too fast. He missed her love for animals, her love for mint choco ice cream, her laugh, smile, kindness, and voice.

He missed her beauty, her body, and her sense of style. He even missed her unruly hair. He missed receiving her love and attention. He missed loving her and having her in his arms. He missed loving her. She was the soulmate he had been looking for. She was his soulmate. His. Soulmate.

At the crack of dawn, a few hours after Namjoon could finally fall asleep, he woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. He had an important thing to tell Y/n. And he had to do it now before she went to work and he lost another chance to meet her.

He checked the clock, it read 5 a.m. He quickly got up from his bed, took a shower, and grabbed a protein bar before leaving.

In the bus on his way to her apartment, he kept tapping his foot impatiently as he chewed on his protein bar. At times like this, he really wished he could drive. But for now he had to settle with the bus.

He jumped out of the bus as soon as it stopped at the bus stop closest to her apartment.

He checked the time again, 5:43 a.m. He still had a few minutes before she woke up.

He arrived in front of her apartment after five minutes of walking. He knocked on the door rapidly to the point he was sure he accidentally woke up the neighbors. However, it was the last thing on his mind.

A minute later, a sleepy Y/n with a bed head opened the door.

“Namjoon, wha-”

He instantly pushed her in and closed the door behind them both.

“Hear me out,” he demanded.

Y/n nodded while yawning.

“Let me help you cross out one activity from your wishlist.”

“Why are we talking about that at this time?”

“Because it’s important."

“I don’t see it."

He started to lose his patience. “It is! There’s one activity that’s really important right? Like, more important than the others.”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “Which one? I haven’t written a lot in the list, actually.”

“What are they?"

“To eat a banana-”

For a second, Namjoon was speechless. “What? Banana? Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just miss eating bananas.”

“Okay… What’s next?”

She took a moment to think, then answered, “Ah! I want to buy a new phone. Haven’t changed mine in years.”

He sighed. “Next?”

“Be a babysitter for a day.”

That wasn’t an answer he was looking for. “It’s a job for teenagers.”

“That’s why I only want to do it for a day.”

“Then?”

“Learn skateboarding. A skatepark just opened around here.”

“Anything else?”

She pouted. “You don’t want to help me cross any of those?”

“Not that. But, you said a few days ago on our journey that there was something you wanted to put on your wishlist.”

She tilted her head in confusion. “Really? I don’t remember. What was it?”

He really wanted to strangle someone at this point. Why was she so dense? “You really don’t remember?”

“I don’t think I do. Sorry. What was it, though?”

“You wanted to find your soulmate.”

It took her a second to digest his words, but when she finally did, her eyes widened. “Oh, right. Does that mean you want to help me find my soulmate? Go on another journey? You know, you don’t have to use that as an excuse to-”

“Shut up, Y/n. Stop talking so much.”

Y/n frowned. “Sorry.”

He huffed. “I never knew doing this was going to be this hard.” He looked deep into her eyes. “I don’t want to go on another journey to find anyone’s soulmate. And especially not after I realized last night that we have found our soulmates.”

Before he could say anything else, she cut him off. “Really? Who is yours? What about mine? Do I know-”

“Yes! We know them.” He finally decided to just cut the chase and came out clean. “You’re my soulmate, Y/n. And I’m yours. I was so busy chasing love during our journey to the point I never thought about the possibility of you being my soulmate.” With a softer tone, he concluded, “The fortune teller was right. I knew who my soulmate is and where to find them, but I was too stupid to realize that.”

Y/n was stunned for a while before slowly blinking. Once. Twice. “Wow. That’s crazy.” Then she grinned. “You finally admit that you’re stupid!”

“Y/n, that’s not the point!” he groaned.

“Yes, yes, I know.” She laughed. It sounded like bells in his ears. “I’m just messing with you. So, what should we do now?”

“Y/n.” He turned serious if he wasn’t being serious before. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

For a few seconds, Y/n stared at his eyes expectantly, as if she was waiting for something.

“Y/n?”

“What?”

“What do you say?”

“Of course yes, you dummy. I thought it was obvious.”

“Seriously now?” He rolled his eyes.

“Wait. Is this the part where we should kiss?” she asked in wonder.

He was really holding himself hard not to roll his eyes yet again. “Duh, Y/n.”

“But I haven’t brushed my teeth!” Then she disappeared into her bathroom, leaving a bewildered Namjoon in the living room.

As he stared at her bathroom door, he whispered to himself, “What did I just sign up for?”

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[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

One quick question, why do you hate Before the Storm? I actually really liked it. It could be because I'm a hopeless romantic, but I just want to see your opinions on it

Oh boy, where to even begin...? I cannot stand bts... it actually hurts my insides to think about how much I hate this game haha.

[note: yeah hi uhhh... this is long because of course it is, it's coming from me but listen, my feelings for this game are not nice and I have a lot to say so.... my bad]

One of the bigger reasons, though not the biggest, is Chloe... I'm not exactly a big fan of Chloe. At all. Not in the first game, nope. I understand that so many people love her and they have their reasons for that, that's fine, she's just a character who doesn't appeal to me. If anything, she pisses me off because I can see the foundation for such a compelling character, but it all gets thrown away for the sake of bullshit.

So then they plop bts in front of us with Chloe as the playable protagonist in a prequel story about her and Rachel Amber. This is an opportunity to expand on her character, to tie into the first season and make me feel more positive feelings about her character, to do what the first game failed to do..... and to be fair, they DO have a few of them sprinkled in... but then they're overshadowed by the garbage.

It's just... the ideas are there, and they're ideas that I like but they're executed so poorly. I want to like Chloe Price, I can see that there's something good here.

Like okay.... lemme do a thing:

Chloe Price. She's going through some serious shit after her dad dies. He died unexpectedly in a car accident, something Chloe had zero control over, it's not fair, and even though it's not like the universe singled her out and said "fuck you," it feels that way to her.

On top of that, her best friend who she adores? She moves away. Not something that's in either of their control, they're kids at this point. However, Max stops contacting her and that hurts Chloe. Chloe tries to stay in contact, but eventually Max stops responding.

Then you have her mother, who's also grieving after losing her husband and dealing with her daughter pushing her away and on the wrong path. She meets a man and falls for him after realizing she still has a long life ahead of her and that's too long to be miserable over her husband's death, William wouldn't want that, and David is a source of comfort for her... something she's not getting from her daughter. The problem is that David and Chloe don't get along in the slightest... which leads to Chloe feeling like her mom is trying to replace her father by moving on, not understanding why Joyce's timeline of grief isn't the same as hers, y'know?

Oh, and can't forget that Chloe has fallen onto a not so great path of drugs, booze, bad grades, lying, staying out late without letting her mom know where she is, pickin' fights, making friends with drug dealers, stealing money and other items, all that. She's bitter, angry, unable to understand most of her own complex emotions and that only makes her even more upset. She's unable to express them in a healthy way, she doesn't ask for help, and denies it whenever offered.

So... Chloe's starts out as an extremely entitled, rude, obnoxious character. She insults the bouncer in the cringiest way possible because these adult men writing her don't know how teen girls talk, she steals money and a t-shirt from a dude who works for the band because $20? how dare? even though bands don't make a lot of money and a lot of profit comes from their merch but who cares about supporting artists you like, right? Chloe sure doesn't. She probably buys some weed from Frank because yeah, she's got a dependence on the stuff now. She gets into a fight with a couple of dudes after spilling beer on them.... but what's this?

Oh look, it's Rachel Amber. Y'know, the pretty, popular, talented, smart, perfect, charismatic girl from Chloe's school?? yeah, she's at the concert and saves Chloe from the dicks who attacked her, and the two girls spend the rest of the concert together.

Now, for some reason, Chloe isn't sure but Rachel has taken a special interest in her. Rachel is flirty, she wants to know who Chloe is, she asks her to skip school with her, and the two take a ride on a train to a park and... honestly? pretty romantic, and it plays into that escapism fantasy thing of having the pretty girl who everyone likes single you out, making you feel special.

Over time, the girls grow close. Rachel has some family problems and seeks comfort in Chloe. They spend nights walking together down empty streets at night, holding hands. They hang out and talk about the stars, they discuss Shakespeare and what it's like to actually be your true self, if there's actually such a thing. They get tattoos together, and Rachel helps Chloe color her hair. They have a special hideout they decorated together in the junkyard. Rachel spends the night at Chloe's enough that she ends up leaving a lot of clothes there. They daydream about running away together, long road trips and living big in LA.

Chloe starts to see Rachel as her angel because for the first time since Max, she feels like she has someone she can be open and honest with. Rachel almost seems too perfect to be true, y'know?

And hey, over time Chloe actually starts to kinda get her life on the right track, if not in an unconventional way. Sure, she's still dealing with losing her father. that's not something she'll just get over... but she does start making an effort with her mom, and yes, even David after he told her about his time in the army and gave her that photo. They both know they'll never be friends, and they'll still have arguments, but they'll at least keep the peace for Joyce's sake.

It's not all perfect, though. Chloe's still smoking and Rachel isn't always the best influence. They get into trouble here and there, but nothing super serious.

She dropped out of Blackwell so that her mom didn't have to keep paying her tuition and because she's fixated on this fantasy of running away with Rachel. Chloe's feeling good about herself, about her future, for the first time since her dad died.

Until Rachel disappears.

And everything goes to shit pretty quick after that. Rachel's gone, she's not answering calls or texts, and everyone keeps saying that she probably ran away, but Chloe knows better. She knows Rachel wouldn't leave without her, so something must've happened. She makes posters and puts them everywhere, but things only get worse.

Money is tight. Joyce isn't making as much as she needs at the diner, David isn't making enough as a security guard, and hey... they might lose the house... the house that was once Williams, that's a piece of him he left behind. Not only that, but where will they go?

Chloe doesn't want them to lose the house, or for her mom to be this stressed out over food and bills. Chloe borrowed money from Frank in hopes of using it to run away with Rachel, but with her missing... Chloe decides to give it to her mom in order to save the house. Joyce is alarmed that she has this much, but Chloe manages to lie her way out of it to give her mom some peace of mind.

Except now she has another problem- she can't pay Frank back and he's getting more aggressive about it as the weeks go on. Rachel's still missing, Frank's breathing down her neck with threats toward her mom, money is still an issue at home, and she's not in a good place. Chloe's desperate enough to steal... so when she makes it into a bar that doesn't card her and she sees rich boy Nathan Prescott drunk off his ass and flashing bills, she thinks it'll be an easy score. It's wrong to do this, it's dangerous, but Chloe justifies it to herself. She needs that money.

She didn't expect Nathan to drug her drink, and she wakes up to him taking pictures of her. She manages to get the hell outta there, but she still has no idea what the hell happened to her. Like.... that reeeally fucks with her, it doesn't even feel real. She can't tell anyone, she can't tell her mom, and the police won't do anything since they're under the Prescott thumb.... and well, she decides to blackmail him.

And we all know how that goes.

So... we have the highs and lows of Chloe Price. She's flawed, even starting out as unbearable, but over time she becomes more nuanced and you're invested in what happens to her. You want to see her better herself, you want her to work through her grief and get help, you understand why she hates David but when you see him and Joyce happy together and him make an effort to be better, you want to see them make amends. You know David doesn't want to replace William, hell HE knows no one ever could.

You want Chloe to keep going, to find purpose in her life and realize her own potential. You saw her at the beginning when she was broken, when she was lost and didn't see a future for herself, and it's satisfying to see her come this far to where she knows she has a future... something that becomes all the more tragic when you remember her fate in the first game.

You're invested in Chloe and Rachel's romance, you get giddy watching them flirt and do dumb, romantic, cliche things, and you're just as compelled by Rachel as everyone else. No, she's not perfect, she's not a stereotype, she's much more layered than that and it only breaks your heart when you realize that she's killed later on, that of course she's going to go missing... you already know that! So you're watching Chloe, who has gotten pieces of her life back together and is genuinely happy.... fall back down the pit, fall back into the habits she had at the beginning, and you know it will lead to her downfall.

.....TOO BAD BEFORE THE STORM DID FUCK ALL WITH THAT RIGHT?

Nope, you don't get any of that. Well, except Chloe being cringy. You get a lot of that.

No, no, we got edgelord, flanderized Chloe who thinks her wit is much greater than it actually is, whose terrible moments outweigh the good, and who doesn't grow or change no matter what influence you try to have over her.

Rachel could be replaced with a literal barbie doll and little would change. She has no charm, she's nothing like what she was described in the first game, and she's just so fucking unlikable. When she finds out that her mom isn't actually her birth mom, she claims that her whole life is a lie and her parents aren't real and she wants to meet her druggie mom who chose drugs over her for 15 years because she's the one who actually squeezed her out.

Which, by the way, WHY is this the goddamn plot?? Why did they feel like they had to shove in this "oh hey Rachel's dad is the bad guy, oh wait now this drug guy is the bad guy because he stabby Rachel, no wait now her dad is the super bad guy because he put a hit out on Rachel's REAL mom, oh no wait it's fine because Frank murdered drug man off screen" WHY YOU DO THIS??

You have three episodes. THREE. And in those three episodes, you have the opportunity to explore Chloe as a character, and her relationships with Rachel, Joyce, and David. But instead of dedicating the story to that, something you could've created a compelling narrative out of, you threw in this dumb mom plot and fire-

HOW THE HELL DID I FORGET THE FIRE????

What- why did- does she have- Rachel just- RACHEL SETS THE FOREST ON FIRE??? WHY THOUGH???

I get it, "Rachel is the fire" yeah yeah and it's dumb.

Oh and because we didn't have enough going on, here's a side mission where you gotta deal with getting money from this other kid who's running drugs for big bad drug man because he wants to help his dad who lost his job.

But WAIT, there's more- In a series where several girls were drugged by Nathan and Jefferson, forced to pose for pictures, and some even killed or driven to try and take their own life? something taken so seriously...? Victoria gets drugged and it's treated like a joke. Even worse, there is a path that has Rachel drugging her, and no one cares.

ALSO.... Rachel cheated on Chloe with two adult men, remember? One of which fucking murders her?? and we're just... we're just not gonna do anything with that??? Nothing??? Maybe a little stinger at the end but that's it????

I just..... I hate this game so much.

It had so much potential. Not only that, but it had the first game to look at and learn from. Learn from the mistakes that game made and improve upon.... but instead, they fucked up even worse. It's just a game of fanservice that has way too much going on, is trying to do too much, and loses focus on the most important things.

Three episodes could've been enough to explore different points of Chloe's character before the events of the first game. They could've crafted a story that gave more insight into her life that make sense of the choices she made, that turn her into the Chloe we see in the first game. You don't need a forest fire, you don't need evil lawyers. I know the first game had the storm and time travel and big dumb Jefferson, but you wanted to tell a story that's grounded without shit like that... y'know, before the storm.

I could probably go on and on if someone doesn't stop me, so I'll stop myself here... I hate bts because it's potential was there, I could see it in a few key moments, and it was wasted.

The romantic ideas fall flat because being pretty and gay isn't enough for me, I need more than that. I don't care if they kiss because I don't care about their relationship, and frankly, they've done very little to make me care about them as individuals.

UGH

.......does that answer your quick question? haha sorry for the not so quick answer, but like I said, this game makes my brain mad and once I get going, it's hard to stop.

[babygirlkiki1016]

The Hunt Begins

When we got to Stanford Dean told me just to wait outside by the Impala. About twenty minutes later I hear voices coming from the building. I see Dean take a glance at me to see if I was still there. Sam was saying something but Dean just rolls his eyes.

"The weapon training, and melting the silver into bullets? Man, Dean, we were raised like warriors." I heard Sam say as they cross the parking lot to the Impala.

"So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it?" Dean growls.

"No. Not normal. Safe." 

"And that's why you ran away." Dean looks away.

"I was just going to college. It was Dad who said if I was gonna go I should stay gone. And that's what I'm doing."

"Yeah, well, Dad's in real trouble right now. If he's not dead already. I can feel it." Sam is silent.

"I can't do this alone."

"Yes you can." I joke, making both of the boys look at me. 

"Yeah, well, as Y/n pointed out earlier which you weren't here for, I don't want to."

"Wait, that's Y/n? Y/D/N's kid?" Sam asked surprised. "You brought his kid here?! Do you know what he's going to do to us when he realizes she's missing!?"

"Uh I believe he already knows." I interrupt.

"Look, she wanted to come so I didn't stop her besides she's eighteen." Dean points out. Sam sighs and looks down, thinking, then up.

"What was he hunting?" Sam asked as Dean opens the trunk of the Impala, then the spare-tire compartment, it's an arsenal.

"Holy crap this is cool!" I exclaimed as Dean props the compartment open with a shotgun and digs through the clutter.

"I know right? All right, let's see, where the hell did I put that thing?"

"So when Dad left, why didn't you go with him?" Sam asks.

"I was working my own gig. This, uh, voodoo thing, down in New Orleans."

"Dad let you go on a hunting trip by yourself?" Dean looks over at Sam.

"I'm twenty-six, dude."

"And then you went to Y/D/N for help?"

"That's about right, she offered to help cause her father wouldn't." Dean pulls some papers out of a folder. "All right, here we go. So Dad was checking out this two-lane blacktop just outside of Jericho, California. About a month ago, this guy." Dean hands one of the papers to Sam, I look over his shoulder to see. "They found his car, but he vanished. Completely MIA. The paper is a printout of an article from the Jericho Herald, headlined Centennial Highway Disappearance and dated Sept. 19th 2005; it has a man's picture, captioned Andrew Carey MISSING." Sam reads it and glances up.

"So maybe he was kidnapped."

"Yeah. Well, here's another one in April." Dean hands me a Jericho Herald article for each date he mentions. "Another one in December 'oh-four, 'oh-three, 'ninety-eight, 'ninety-two, ten of them over the past twenty years." Dean takes the article's back from us and picks up the rest of the stack, putting them back in the folder. "All men, all the Same five-mile stretch of road." Dean pulls a bag out of another part of the arsenal. "It started happening more and more, so Dad went to go dig around. That was about three weeks ago. I hadn't heard from him since, which is bad enough." He grabs a handheld tape recorder. "Then I get this voicemail yesterday." He presses play, the recording is staticky and the signal was clearly breaking up.

"Dean...something big is starting to happen...I need to try and figure out what's going on. It may... Be very careful, Dean. We're all in danger...and if you can...Y/D/N's kid." Dean presses stop.

"Wait...he mentioned me." I say silently.

"What does dad want with Y/n?" Sam asks.

"I don't know that's why I went to your dad. So whatever is going on, obviously your part of it."

"Well other than the creepy message involving me, you know there's EVP on that?" I said.

"Not bad, Y/n. Kinda like riding a bike, isn't it?" Sam shakes his head. "All right. I slowed the message down, I ran it through a gold wave, took out the hiss, and this is what I got." He presses play again.

"I can never go home..." Was the voice that was heard, Dean presses stop.

"Never go home." Sam comments, trying to think what it could mean. Dean drops the recorder, puts down the shotgun, stands straight, and shuts the trunk, then leans on it. "You know, in almost two years I've never bothered you, never asked you for a thing." Sam looks away and sighs, then looks back. "All right. I'll go. I'll help you find him." Sam submits, Dean nods. "But I have to get back first thing Monday. Just wait here." Sam turns to go back to the apartment but turns back when Dean speaks.

"What's first thing Monday?" 

"I have this...I have an interview."

"What, a job interview? Skip it."

"It's a law school interview, and it's my whole future on a plate."

"Law school?" Dean smirks.

"So we got a deal or not?" Dean says nothing, Sam turns back around and heads back into the building.

"Your brother is certainly...not happy." I look over at Dean who shrugs.

"Eh he'll get over it." Dean smirks and gets back in the car, Dean maybe be smiling but I have a bad feeling about this.

~

Dean comes out of the convenience mart carrying junk food. Sam is sitting in the shotgun seat with the door open, rifling through a box of tapes as I was sitting in the back with the window down. I don't know what he's looking for but it must be important.

"Hey!" Dean says with a smile on his face. Sam leans out and looks at him. "You want breakfast?"

"No, thanks."

"Y/n? I got you coffee, along with some biscuits." He hands me the food.

"Thanks...." I say and take the food from him. "So how'd you pay for that stuff?" Sam  asks. "You and Dad still running credit card scams?" 

"Yeah, well, hunting ain't exactly a pro ball career." Dean puts the nozzle that he left running while he went inside back on the pump. "Besides, all we do is apply. It's not our fault they send us the cards."

"Yeah? And what names did you write on the application this time?" Sam swings his legs back inside the car and closes the door.

"Uh, Burt Aframian." Dean gets into the driver seat and puts his soda and chips down.

"And his son Hector. Scored two cards out of the deal."

"That's pretty smart, man I wish I thought of that. Then I wouldn't have had to get a job." I joke as Dean closes the door, Sam looks back at me then at Dean.

"Only a few days and your already a bad influence on her." Sam chuckles. "I swear, man, you've gotta update your cassette tape collection." From what I could see there are at least a dozen cassettes in the box on Sam's lap; some have album art, others are hand-labeled.

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Well, for one, they're cassette tapes. And two." Sam holds up a tape for every band he names. "Black Sabbath? Motorhead? Metallica?" Dean takes the box labeled Metallica from Sam. "It's the greatest hits of mullet rock."

"And that's probably why he has them." I interrupt while sipping my coffee.

"Well, house rules, Sammy." Dean pops the tape in the player. "Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." Dean drops the Metallica box back in the box of tapes and starts the engine.

"Wait." Sammy looks back at me as Dean drives off. "Why does she get coffee?"

"Well I asked her what she wanted and she told me."

"You didn't ask me...."

"Suck it up Sammy." Sam made a pouty face, I look down at my coffee then back at him. I reach forward and politely offer him some which Dean notices.

"Aw look at that she's willing to share."

"Shut up." Sam said with a blush on his face as he slowly took my cup.

~

   Sam is talking on his cell phone. "Thank you." He says then closes his phone. "All right. So, there's no one matching Dad at the hospital or morgue."

"Well at least we know he's ok." I said, making Sam nod in agreement.

"That's something, I guess." Dean glances over at us, then back at the road. At a bridge ahead of them, there are two police cars and several officers. 

"Woah, I wonder what happened." I wondered as Sam leans forward for a closer look, Dean pulls over. We take a long look before Dean turns off the engine. Dean opens the glove compartment and pulls out a box full of ID cards with his and John's faces. Visible ones include FBI and DEA. He picks one out and grins at Sam, who stares.

"Let's go."  Dean gets out of the car and me and Sam follow pursuit. On the bridge, the lead Deputy, leans over the railing to yell down to two men in wetsuits who were poking around the river.

"You guys find anything?" He yells.

"No! Nothing!" The other man who was below us replied. The deputy turns back to the car in the middle of the bridge. Another Deputy, is at the driver's side looking around inside the car. The three of us walk into the crime scene, I felt out of place but the brothers acted like they belong there.

"You fellas had another one like this just last month, didn't you?" Dean asks as the first Deputy looks up when he starts talking and straightens up to talk to him.

"And who are you?" Dean flashes his badge. "Federal marshals."

"You three are a little young for marshals, aren't you? Especially the girl." Dean laughs. "Thanks, that's awfully kind of you." Dean goes over to the car. "You did have another one just like this, correct?"

"Yeah, that's right. About a mile up the road. There've been others before that."

"So, this victim, you knew him?" Sam questioned, Jaffe, as it says on his name tag, nods.

"Town like this, everybody knows everybody." Dean circles the car, looking around.

"...And that is why I hate small towns." I state. "Any connection between the victims, besides that they're all men?"

"Uh N-No. Not so far as we can uh tell."

"So what's the theory? I'm thinking insane hitchhiker." Sam goes over to Dean as I keep the deputy busy.

"Honestly, we don't know. Serial murder? Kidnapping ring?"

"Well, that is exactly the kind of crack police work I'd expect out of you guys." Dean insults, Sam stomps on his foot.

"Thank you for your time." I say and the three of us head back to the Impala. Jaffe watches us go but I could the two talking.

"She's a pretty one ain't she?" Jaffe mentions, I ignored him, pervert I thought. Dean smacks Sam on the head, catching my attention.

"Ow! What was that for?" Sam grumbled.

"Why'd you have to step on my foot?"

"Why do you have to talk to the police like that?" Dean looks at Sam and moves in front of him, forcing Sam to stop walking.

"Come on. They don't really know what's going on. We're all alone on this. I mean, if we're going to find Dad we've got to get to the bottom of this thing ourselves." Sam clears his throat and looks over Dean's shoulder. Dean turns to see a Sheriff and two FBI agents.

"Can I help you boys?" The sheriff asks.

"No, sir, we were just leaving." I smile at them, giving them some reassurance and walk past the three men. Dean and Sam head past the Sheriff, who turns to watch us go.

~

Later we decided to go talk to this young woman, the second deputy's daughter I believe. As we walk up the street the marquee on the Highland Movie Theater reads in big bold letters: EMERGENCY TOWN HALL MEETING SUNDAY 8 PM BE SAFE OUT THERE. Below that a young woman is tacking up posters with Troy, the missing boy's face and the caption "Missing Troy Squire". The three of us approach.

"I'll bet you that's her." Dean says

"Well no shit sherlock, if course it's her." I joke, the boys turn towards me.

"Listen sweetheart you may be helping us, but that doesn't give you the right to curse."

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say shit, fuck, crap. Sorry!" I giggle, making Sam smirk. Dean ignores me and walks up to the young woman.

"You must be Amy." Dean points out.

"Yeah." She says as she looks towards us. "Yeah, Troy told us about you. We're his uncles. I'm Dean, this is Sammy and that's-" Dean was saying, trying to think on what I should be. "-my girlfriend Y/n." I give him a weird look and so does Sam, girlfriend? I thought. He couldn't have gone with sister or something?

"He never mentioned you to me." Amy walks away as the three of us tag along.

"Well, that's Troy, I guess. We're not around much, we're up in Modesto."

"We never really talk to Troy much, teenager's these days. Never wanna hang out with the adults." I chimes in as another young woman, comes up to Amy and puts a hand on her arm.

"Hey, are you okay?" She asks, while eyeing the three of us.

"Yeah." Amy replies.

"Do you mind if we ask you a couple questions?" I asked. "You probably know my nephew to be better then I do."

"Woah trying to get married already babe" Dean jokes as he puts an arm around my shoulder. "I thought the man asks the woman?"

"Well, 'darling' technically I am the one who is the man in this relationship." Sam and the two girls try not to giggle.

~

The five of us are sitting in a booth, Dean and Sam opposite Amy and Rachel while I'm sitting at the end of the table with a normal chair. The chair was turned away from the table as I was facing the four if them.

"So...Amy." I start. "What happened the night Troy disappeared?"

"I was on the phone with Troy. He was driving home. He said he would call me right back, and...he never did."

"He didn't say anything strange?" Sam asks, Amy shakes her head.

"No. Nothing I can remember."

"I like your necklace." I state, Amy holds the pendant she's wearing, a pentagram in a circle, and looks down at it.

"Troy gave it to me. Mostly to scare my parents-" Amy laughs. "-with all that devil stuff.

"Do you know where he got it?"

"Um...no actually."

Sam laughs a little and looks down, then up.

"Actually, it means just the opposite. A pentagram is protection against evil. Really powerful. I mean, if you believe in that kind of thing." Sam says.

"Okay. Thank you, Unsolved Mysteries."

Dean jokes, takes his arm off the back of Sam's seat and leans forward. "Here's the deal, ladies. The way Troy disappeared, something's not right. So if you've heard anything..." Amy and Rachel look at each other. "What is it?"

"Well, it's just... I mean, with all these guys going missing, people talk." Rachel, the other girl says. Dean and Sam speak in chorus. "What do they talk about?"

"It's kind of this local legend. This one girl? She got murdered out on Centennial, like decades ago." Dean looks at Sam, who watches Rachel attentively, nodding. "Well, supposedly she's still out there. She hitchhikes, and whoever picks her up? Well, they disappear forever."

"So let me guess you believe in this so called legend?" I ask.

"It's a possibility, you never know." Sam and Dean look at each other.

Considering that Rachel mentioned this legend, we made a trip to the library. Dean was in the computer with a web browser open to the archive search page for the Jericho Herald. The words "Female Murder Hitchhiking" are typed into the search box. Dean clicks go; the screen tells him there are "(0) Result". Dean replaces "Hitchhiking" with "Centennial Highway" with the same response.

"Your not gonna find anything in the internet. You gotta go old school." I point out.

Sam sighs, who is sitting next to him, watching.

"Let me try." He offered, Dean smacks Sam's hand.

"I got it." Sam shoves Dean's chair out of the way and takes over. "Dude!" Dean hits Sam in the shoulder. "You're such a control freak."

"You two are definitely brothers." I giggle, the boys just shake there heads. I push both of them out of the way "If you want to find a spirit, you gotta go dark. Angry spirits are born out of violent death, right?"

"Yeah." Dean agrees.

"Well, it's not murder." I replace "Murder" with "Suicide" and find an article entitled "Suicide on Centennial". Both if the boys seemed surprised. I open the article, dated April 25, 1981, I read what the article had to say. "A local woman's drowning death was ruled a suicide, the county Sheriff's Department said earlier today. Constance Welch, 24, of 4636 Breckenridge Road, leapt off Sylvania Bridge, at mile 33 of Centennial Highway, and subsequently drowned last night. Deputy J. Pierce told reporters that, hours before her death, Ms. Welch logged a call with 911 emergency services. In a panicked tone, Ms. Welch described how she found her two young children, 5 and 6, in the bathtub, after leaving them alone for several minutes. I continued to skim the article. " Here this is what the husband said, What happened to my children was a terrible accident. And it must have been too much for my wife. Our babies were gone, and Constance just couldn't bear it. Now I ask that you all please respect my privacy during this trying time."

"So she committed suicide." Sam says. "Good job Y/n."

"Quiet there's more. At the time of the children's death and Ms. Welch's subsequent suicide, Mr. Welch was at the Frontier auto salvage yard, where he works the graveyard shift as associate manager. Connie might have been quiet, but she was the sweetest, most caring girl I ever knew, said Deanna Kripke, a neighbor. She just doted on those children."

Dean raises his eyebrows.

"Hm. The bridge look familiar to you?" Dean asks.

~

The three of us walk along the bridge, then stop to lean on the railing and look down at the river.

"So this is where Constance took the swan dive." Dean states.

"So you think Dad would have been here?" Sam asks.

"If your dad was here then he would've stopped the spirit right?" I wondered.

"Well, he's chasing the same story and we're chasing him."

"Okay, so now what?"

"Now we keep digging until we find him. Might take a while." Sam stops and looks at Dean.

"Dean, I told you, I've gotta get back by Monday-" Dean turns around.

"Monday. Right. The interview."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I forgot. You're really serious about this, aren't you? You think you're just going to become some Lawyer? Marry your girl?"

"Maybe. Why not?"

"Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you've done?" Sam steps closer, I could tell a fight was about to break out.

"No, and she's not ever going to know."

"Well, that's healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are."

Dean turns around and keeps walking, Sam follows.

"Guys c'mon we got more important things to do." I state.

"Stay out of this Y/n!" Both of them say at the same time.

"Who am I really Dean?" Sam says.

"You're one of us." Sam hurries to get in front of Dean.

"No. I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life."

"You have a responsibility to-"

"To Dad? And his crusade? If it weren't for pictures I wouldn't even know what Mom looks like. And what difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom's gone. And she isn't coming back." Dean grabs Sam by the collar and shoves him up against the railing of the bridge. Instantly I push Dean back, he begins to protest.

"Y/n-"

"No enough out of both of you. Focus, look if San wants out if this life then so be it. You can't change that, I may not know much about what you guys do for a living but I know damn well I wouldn't want to be hunting monsters all the time."

"What do you mean don't know much about what we do?" Sam questioned, clearly aggravated. "You brought her into this!"

"She decided this not me! I gave her the offer to walk away!"

"That wasn't her decision to make! If Y/D/N kept her out if this then you shouldn't have brought her with you!"

"She's eighteen! She can do whatever the hell she wants!"

"No Dean she's not eighteen! She's seventeen! She doesn't turn eighteen till (your birthday)." Dean looks at me, clearly surprised that I lied. However I wasn't paying attention, the spirit of Constance was standing at the edge of the bridge.

"Uh guys." The boys forget there argument and stand infront of me, like I'm something to be protected. Consance looks over at them, then steps forward off the edge. We run to the railing and look over.

"Where'd she go?" I asked.

"I don't know." Sam said, then behind us, the Impala's engine starts and its headlights come on, catching our attention.

"What the-who the fuck is driving your car!?" Dean pulls the keys out of his pocket and jingles them. The car jerks into motion, heading straight for them.

"Run!" I yell. The car is moving faster than we are, when it gets too close, the boys dive over the railing but it was to late for me.

The New Hunter Masterlist

[chasholidays]

Hey so I'm a stressed little science major and I was wondering if you could do an angsty minty with a modern or college twist. Pre-relationship? I love angst and minty so anything would be good! Thanks!

Monty’s junior year of college is shitty before it even begins.

Sophomore spring sets the tone with three major events: Jasper’s study abroad application, Monty’s parents’ separation, and Harper and Monty’s breakup, in that order.

On its own, the study abroad thing wouldn’t be so bad. Monty had been a little anxious about it, mostly because he and Jasper have been going to the same school since they started going to school. He hasn’t always been in Jasper’s class, but Jasper has always been there at lunch and recess, during study halls, in the library and in his dorm and in his life.

In some ways, the prospect of Jasper being gone was exciting, and in other ways it felt necessary. They weren’t going to be together forever, which meant they had to be apart at some point. Junior year is as good a time as any.

He hears about the separation next, from his mother, during one of their weekly phone calls in March. “I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but your father and I have decided to separate.”

“Separate?” Monty echoes, his voice hollow. It had occurred to him, at various points in his youth, that his parents might not stay together, but some part of him had assumed that they were out of the woods now. That if his parents hadn’t broken up by the time he was a certain age, they just never would. You always heard about children of divorce, not college students of divorce.

“We talked about it a lot,” says Hannah. She sounds so tired. “And I think this is the only way.”

“Okay,” he says, because what else is there to say? This isn’t his decision. He’s not the tiebreaker vote. They already agreed.

“It’s for the best. For us, at least. And I hope now that you aren’t home so much, it won’t be–as difficult for you. We’re doing our best with this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you want to talk to your father?”

Somehow, he’d expected them to already be apart, not that his father would be there. But they do still love him, and they’ve still been married for twenty-plus years. They still know how to work together, so maybe it’s good that they’re breaking up before they lose that.

“Sure,” he says, and lets them talk until they feel better.

He doesn’t tell anyone but Jasper about the divorce because he doesn’t quite know how to feel about it. It’s not a big deal, in some ways, and it’s not even officially a divorce yet. They’re separating, and he’s not even home to witness it. It doesn’t affect his life that much.

He really does believe that. Like if he’s not there, it doesn’t matter what happens to his family.

He and Harper have been dating since freshman year, which means he maybe should have told her what happened, but every time he tried, the words didn’t come out. It felt like he was making a big deal over it and not making a big enough deal all at once, so it averaged out to just saying nothing.

He doesn’t think that’s why Harper breaks up with him–she’s got an internship over the summer and is studying abroad over the fall, plenty to keep her busy–but he can’t help wondering if it was a factor. If, despite his best efforts to remain unaffected by the whole thing, it did hurt him after all.

But still. It wasn’t as if he thought they’d be together forever or anything. So maybe it doesn’t matter much exactly when the breakup happens.

“Should have told her about your parents,” Jasper advises. “Then she wouldn’t have dumped you.”

“She didn’t dump me, we talked about it and agreed that breaking up was the right call. And I don’t want my girlfriend to stay with me just because my parents broke up.”

“I guess not,” Jasper grants. He slings his arm around Monty’s shoulders, gives him a squeeze. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, of course.”

And he thinks he is. He goes home for the summer and stays with his dad, who kept the old house, for June and July, and then in August his mom gets a new job and moves to Indiana, and he goes with her to help her get set up and get a feel for the new place. It’s nice, but it’s not his, in the same way the old house doesn’t feel like his anymore either. Part of growing up is realizing your parents are people too, but it’s hard to see them being people like this. He’s never wanted their lives to stay the same without him, but at the same time, he can’t help but feel like he’s being left behind.

He feels like a total asshole over the whole thing, selfish and immature, so he doesn’t mention it to anyone, not even Jasper. Instead, he goes back to school and keeps his head down, goes to classes and eats and studies, keeps himself busy enough that he doesn’t even realize until November how bad it’s gotten.

“You’re going to be here for Thanksgiving?” is the question that tips him off, coming from Bellamy Blake, his floor coordinator. It’s a position sort of like an RA, but with lower pay and fewer responsibilities, from what Monty can tell. His job is to be the person who lets the college know if anything is wrong in their dorm and communicates with the dean’s office, as well as serving as a general contact for anyone with a problem. He also collects dues from anyone who wants to pay them and uses them to set up activities, which Monty goes to largely because it’s something to fill the time.

Said position is probably why he knows Monty will be in the dorm; he must have gotten a list.

“Yeah.”

“Any plans?”

“Not really. I’ve got a really heavy course load and traveling is a pain, so I figured I’d just skip it this year.”

Bellamy nods. “Well, if you want something to do Thanksgiving day, Clarke’s local and her parents loaded, so they’re happy to take strays. Her dad is a great cook.”

“I’m fine.”

“Dude, you know there’s a law against college students turning down free food, right? I promise it’ll be good, we’ve got a few other students coming and the Griffins get awkwardly liberal when they’re drunk, not awkwardly conservative.”

Monty smiles a little. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s really okay."0

"Okay, last one,” says Bellamy. “This is a real offer, you can turn it down, but seriously, there’s no downside, and I’m making pie. Plus, I did Thanksgiving alone in the dorm freshman year and it sucked, so–” He shrugs. “We’ll give you a ride and you’re not doing anything else.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to say no, but what actually comes out is, “How many other people are going?”

“Uh, let’s see–there’s me, Clarke, Miller, Raven, Wells. Everyone but Wells is a student here. Wells is her best friend, their families go way back, so adults are Professor Griffin, her husband, Wells’ dad, and I think Professor Sinclair.”

“Raven Reyes?” he asks. “And math professor Sinclair?”

“Yeah. Raven’s friends with Clarke and Professor Sinclair knows Clarke’s dad. And Raven, I guess.”

Monty doesn’t recognize any of the other names, but he likes Raven, and he’s met Clarke a couple times and likes her well enough too, and sitting alone in his dorm room would be–really sad, actually. And that’s what he’s done most of this year, when people have asked him to do things. With Jasper or Harper around, it was easier, but when he’s on his own, it’s easy to just be anti-social.

“You’re sure you can invite me?”

“Yeah, Jake extended a general invitation to anyone I knew who was going to be on campus.”

“Then yeah, thanks. That would be fun.”

His smile softens, pleased and warm. “Cool. Clarke and Miller have cars, so one of them can give you a ride. I’ll let you know where we’re meeting.”

He spends the rest of the evening dwelling on the interaction, more because he finds it so noteworthy than because he thinks it is. If he hadn’t been going home for Thanksgiving last year, and someone had invited him home with them–well, it probably wouldn’t have even happened like this, last year. He’s not going home because he didn’t want to pick between his parents and he really does have plenty of work to do. But if Jasper were around, or he was still dating Harper, they’d be excuses for him. He could have gone back to stay with his dad because he wanted to see Jasper, or Harper would have taken him to visit with her family. And if neither of those had worked out–

He’s been pretty anti-social, this year. He’s maybe forgotten how to just be a person with friends.

Not that going to his dormmate’s girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving counts as having friends, but it’s at least non-academic human interaction, and that’s a good place to start. He’s been in a fog, and it would be nice to get out of it. So on Thursday morning he takes a shower and puts on a nice shirt and some slacks, checks to make sure his hair is in order. He asked if he should bring anything and Bellamy said no, but Monty has never believed anyone who told him not to bring something to an adult formal gathering, so he picked up a bottle of sparkling cider. It’s not as good as wine, but buying wine with a fake ID to bring to a professor’s house feels like a risky move.

He puts it in a nice bag and just looks at himself in the mirror for a long moment, trying to take stock of changes, not that there are many. It’s always easy to not tell when people are in rough shape, especially mentally. He’s not even sure who he would have expected to notice. He’s seen friends and acquaintances at meals, been normal with them. He’s opted out of social events because he has homework, but everyone does that. He probably looks more tired than he used to, but he’s taking some rough classes.

He tests out a smile in the mirror, finds he looks like a real person, and the thought makes the smile grow. He’s got this.

Bellamy said he was going over early to help out, so Monty could just get a ride with Miller and Raven, and told him when and where to meet them. If not for Raven’s involvement, he’d probably bail, but Raven is one of those socially competent smart people, and Monty will definitely be able to just hide behind her.

And, luckily for him, she’s already waiting outside the library when he gets there, hands stuffed in her pockets and breath puffing out into the cold air. He gives her a wave and a smile, and she returns both.

“Hey, long time no see.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, well, I stopped taking math classes because computers are cooler.”

“And I stopped taking computer classes because math is cooler, so–”

“There’s no way you’re done with computer classes.”

She grins. “Just for the semester. Got other shit to do, you know? What about you, what are you taking?”

Catching up on classes carries them through until the car shows up, and Raven gets into shotgun without comment, leaving Monty to climb in the back and come face to face with–

“Nate?”

Nate Miller was in Monty’s freshman English seminar on folklore, and he was and probably remains the number-one reason Monty suspects he could be kind of bisexual. They sat next to each other and shared notes and cracked jokes and Monty had been hoping something was going to happen, even went to a few parties where Nate was in the hopes of running into him. But the semester ended and they fell out of touch, and Monty and Harper became a thing, and Monty could ignore the whole crush-on-a-dude thing because it wasn’t really relevant to his life anymore. He had a girlfriend and he was happy.

Except now he’s single and still floundering and Nate Miller is smirking at him from the driver’s seat of his shitty car. “Hey, Monty, long time no see.”

“Didn’t know you two knew each other,” Raven says, looking surprised. “I’d give you shotgun, but the back doesn’t really have room for my leg.”

“It’s fine,” says Monty, smiling. “We were in the same English class freshman year.”

“How’ve you been?” Nate asks. “I didn’t make the connection when Bellamy said one of his dormmates was coming. Is he the most annoying floor coordinator ever?”

“He’s the most involved one I’ve ever had. But it’s pretty okay? He sets up a lot of stuff, but it’s usually fun and he doesn’t pressure us to do it. And I know that if I ever had a problem, he’d drop everything to help, so–overbearing but effective, I guess? And I wasn’t going to do anything for Thanksgiving, so I appreciate him getting me out of room and forcing me to hang out with his girlfriend’s family.”

“And a bunch of awesome people,” Raven adds. “Do you know Clarke?”

“Not very well. She comes to dorm stuff sometimes, but we haven’t chatted much or anything.”

“She’s cool,” says Raven. “Even though I know her because my boyfriend was cheating on me with her.”

Nate snorts. “Fuck, I forgot that’s how you met Clarke. What a dick that guy was. What was his name? Flynn?”

“Finn. He doesn’t even go here, he came to campus to see me and decided he was falling for her when they kept running into each other at the coffee shop.”

“Wow,” says Monty. “That’s–really something.”

“It turned out okay. Clarke and I dumped him, she found Bellamy, I found Zeke, I stalk Finn on instagram sometimes and he’s definitely single and alone. How’s Harper, by the way?”

The question doesn’t hurt, but it does make him wince a little. It’s less that he’s sad about it and more just the awkwardness, the need to deal with and manage people’s reactions. “She’s in Italy, studying abroad. But we broke up.”

Raven only shrugs. “That sucks. Jasper’s abroad too, right?”

“Yeah, full year in Kyoto.”

“Is he sending you a bunch of weird porn?”

He laughs, surprised. “And care packages full of snacks, yeah.”

“Awesome. So, let’s talk Thanksgiving, I assume you want a crash course on who’s going to be here.”

Raven takes control of the conversation, but in a nice, helpful way. Clarke’s mother apparently teaches at the university’s medical school, and her father is an engineer. Her best friend’s dad is a widower and local politician, but, again, a liberal one, which Nate says is important because it’s a very queer meal.

“Meaning?”

“Bellamy and Clarke are bi, I’m gay, Wells is pan, Raven’s–” He frowns. “Where are you thinking?”

“I think pan? I don’t know, I’m dating Zeke right now, but if we break up and a girl catches my eye, I’m cool with that. Are you our token straight?”

It takes Monty a second to realize she’s asking him. “I guess? I don’t know. I’m not against dating a guy, I’ve just never done it.”

He’s said it before, but just to Jasper, late at night, this theoretical admission that was never supposed to matter. In the car with Raven and Nate–Nate, the first guy he ever had a crush on–it feels too real and completely unearned.

But all Nate says is, “Cool, welcome to the queer meal. We have pie.”

Clarke opens the door for them when they arrive, her smile as bright as Monty’s ever seen. She hugs Raven and Nate, and then hugs him too, murmurs, “I’m glad Bellamy nagged you into coming.”

“Me too,” he says, and it turns out to be true. Everyone is perfectly friendly, and he interacts like a normal person, albeit a slightly awkward one. Clarke’s friend Wells is minoring in computer science, so he and Monty have that to talk about, and Professor Sinclair is always interesting. Bellamy’s a little more relaxed when he’s not an ostensible authority figure, Clarke is slightly drunk and loose, and Raven can’t stop smiling.

And then, of course, there’s Nate. Monty’s not sure if Nate is looking out for him deliberately or if he’s always a little apart from the group, but either way, they’re a unit during the meal. Monty finds out Nate and his ex-boyfriend broke up around when Monty and Harper did, that he’s majoring in English, that his dorm isn’t far from Monty’s. He’s here for Thanksgiving because his dad is a cop and works through Thanksgiving so he can take time off to be with his son at Christmas, which is kind of adorable.

The whole thing is kind of adorable, and it’s a little weird, to go straight from “failing to leave his dorm” to “new crush,” but Nate isn’t exactly a newcrush. He was just on hiatus.

Once they’re done with dessert, Mr. Griffin asks, “So, who’s up for board games? We’ve got options.”

“Pandemic?” Raven asks.

“Of course, what do you take me for? It’s Abby’s favorite.”

Monty’s flagging, but Raven’s eyes are alight with excitement, and he’s not going to be the dick who says they need to leave. And he does like board games, it’s just a lot of socializing, especially after so long avoiding situations like these.

“I actually need to get back to the dorm,” says Nate. “I told my dad I’d call him when his shift was done. Clarke, you can take Raven, right? Monty, you staying or coming back with me?”

“I should get back,” he says, hoping his relief isn’t palpable. Everyone’s been great, but he’s done. “I’ve got a program due right after break and it’s a mess.”

No one blinks an eye or tries to get him to stay, not even Bellamy. There are more hugs all around, Mr. Griffin attempting to make Monty take food home, everyone telling him he’s welcome any time he’s on campus for a holiday. He thanks them for having him, assures them that he’ll just steal Bellamy’s leftovers, and then they’re outside in the crisp air and Monty feels like he can breathe again.

“It can be a lot your first time,” Nate says, without Monty’s having to say anything. “I figured you might need to get out.”

“Just a little. They’re nice, but–”

“Like I said, I get it. And there’s definitely some–they really want to have a great holiday, and you can feel the strain.”

“Not always. But yeah, sometimes.”

Nate unlocks the car and waits until Monty is in his seat with his belt fastened before he goes on, “And, no offense, but you seem kind of beat.”

“None taken. I can be pretty introverted.”

“Yeah, but–before we even got there. Feels like you’re maybe having a rough semester.”

“Is it that obvious?”

He pauses for longer than it takes to start up the car and get moving. “I just remember how you were freshman year. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed at college, and you seemed like you had everything figured out.”

Monty smiles. “Yeah, I guess that would make sense.”

“So, are you okay?”

“I’m not used to being on my own,” he admits. “No Jasper, no girlfriend, and a lot of my friends are–not really friends, I guess. Not in a bad way!” he adds. “It’s not like they betrayed me or anything. Just they were more friends with Jasper or Harper than me, or we lived in the same dorm and now we don’t, or–”

“You had a class together and stopped talking after the class ended?” Nate supplies, and Monty colors in the dark.

“For example.”

“I’m not mad, it’s not like I knew how to keep in touch with you either. I sometimes wanted to, but I had kind of a thing for you, so I kept talking myself out of it.” He snorts. “Playing it so cool I iced you out.”

“You didn’t,” Monty hastens to assure him. “I didn’t think you were–I felt the same way, I guess. I wanted to stay in touch, but I didn’t know how and I didn’t want you to think I was coming on too strong or being weird so I just didn’t do anything. Except drag Jasper to some places I thought I might see you.” He swallows hard. Nate already said it, so he can say it too. It’s safe. And it’s in the past, right? They used to have a mutual crush, and now that’s over. “You were the first guy I was ever interested in in real life, I didn’t really know what to do with that.”

“It doesn’t get better when you’ve liked more guys,” Nate says. “It’s always a mess.”

“Great.” He leans back in his seat, closes his eyes. “My parents got a divorce. Or maybe they’re still just separated, I’m not sure where they are in the legal process. And I just keep thinking–they were married for twenty-three years and then they were done. How can you be with someone for that long and then just decide it’s over? Like, I look at me and Harper and I wasn’t sure we’d be together forever, but I could have kept dating her. And then I see Clarke and Bellamy, and they’ve been together for about as long as me and Harper were, but I believe in them. Like, I feel like they’re going to make it. But what does that even mean? They’re married for twenty years with a kid and then they decide they’re not happy anymore? I just–”

He finds himself almost gasping as he finishes, the deluge of words leaving him breathless and shaky. It’s been a rough year for Monty’s faith in anything.

“I guess it depends on what you mean by make it,” Nate says, and Monty is grateful beyond words that he just goes with it. Lets Monty process for a minute. “Just because people break up doesn’t mean they failed. My parents split when I was pretty young, and it was amicable. They got married because my mom got pregnant and decided it was better to break it off before they hated each other. She’ll be here for Christmas with her wife and their kids. My dad’s their uncle and I’m their big brother and they love us. My family didn’t get smaller when my mom left, it got bigger. So I guess it’s more–I bet your parents don’t feel like they wasted twenty years of their lives, you know?”

“I know. I think that’s part of the problem, maybe? It feels like I’m making too big a deal. Jasper’s parents got divorced when we were in middle school, and it sucked for him. They were fighting, he nearly had to move, they don’t even talk anymore. It feels stupid feeling this upset about it.”

“That’s bullshit. You don’t have to have the worst life ever to feel bad. It sounds like you lost all your support systems at once, that’s always going to be shitty. And it’s not like I was this well-adjusted, what, a few months out of the divorce? I was just a kid who missed having my mom living with me. And when she and Alison got together, I was still working through my own sexuality stuff, and I didn’t deal with it that well.”

Monty bites his lip on a smile. “You know, I think this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk about yourself.”

“Well, it’s been a while. Maybe I’ve changed.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe I just like talking to you.” He clears his throat. “So, that’s why you didn’t go home for Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know how to decide where to go. My parents live in different states now and it just seemed easier to not think about it. I’ve got a lot of work I can catch up on. And the common room’s empty, so I can play video games on the nice TV and not feel bad.”

“What about Christmas?”

“More time off, so I’m doing half the break with my mom and half with my dad. We’re not Christian, so the actual holiday isn’t a big deal.”

“That’s good.” They drive on in silence for a little, but it feels like a good silence, the kind where they’re both just–thinking. “I don’t want to not see you again until Bellamy drags you back to Clarke’s for Thanksgiving next year.”

“Is this every year now?” Monty asks, smiling a little.

Nate doesn’t let him change the subject. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“So far, video games and programming.”

“If I bring my Switch, will you play Overcooked with me?”

“Sure.”

“Cool,” says Nate. “It’s a date.”

It’s not, Monty decides as he goes into his dorm, a solution, not all on its own. Even if he does get a new boyfriend out of this, it’s not going to solve everything, and it shouldn’t. His semester hasn’t been shitty because he was single, and if he and Nate do start dating, his world is still going to feel unstable beneath his feet for a while.

But even if nothing happens with him and Nate past tomorrow, he feels better. He told someone, and it wasn’t awful. He went somewhere and he had fun. He got through his first holiday break away from home, and it was fine.

It’s a nice night, the moon almost full and the air crisp, and Monty breathes it in, feels it down to his toes.

That’s a good enough start.

[nicestbitchyoulleverlove-blog]

Will You Still Love Me When I'm No Longer Young & Beautiful?!

Damn, Lana Del Rey.  That is the million dollar question.  While getting married, a lot of us make vows to love our partner until eternity.  But honestly, ain’t nothin about aging that is pretty except maybe wisdom accumulated along the way.  I have officially gone from being the Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday to the Jamie Lee Curtis. eeeek.  The Amy Poehler in Mean Girls…

I love being in my thirties.  To be honest, I tried REALLY hard not to make it this far.  My twenties left me rode hard and put away wet bahaha.  It is so funny, but it is also so, so tragic.  I will say, though, that my self confidence has plummeted.  I have always had body dysmorphic disorder.  For those of you unfamiliar…I have a disease that makes me think I look A HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENT than how I actually look.  On top of that, I am just naturally heavier than most women.  I like to tell myself “muscle weighs more than fat.” haha but I still honestly cringe stepping on the scale.  I would love to say “weight doesn’t matter!!!” but it has mattered to me.  In fact, it bothered me so much in high school volleyball being heavier than my teammates that it manifested into a monster eating disorder in my twenties.  And this is how twisted society is, the more anorexic I became, the more people praised me.  I would literally cry at night with severe hunger pains.  Even at my lowest weight ever, I still had it in my head that I was fat.  I was literally torturing myself.  I would eat light and then feel so freaking guilty I would throw it up.  People thought I was sexy, so I continued.  My body image had less to do with being hot and more to do with power and control.  After some trauma, I lost control of my life.  I wanted the power back.  And, for me, getting the power back meant controlling what I put into my body.  Also, to be totally upfront, being thinner helped me use my body to screw over any asshole I wanted to.  Hurt people hurt people.  I say it all the time.  Its true.  It was a high in itself being conventionally “hot."  I was kind of the ugly duckling growing up.  I had a ratty, curly mullet and dressed like a dude.  So getting attention….better jobs, better grades, rich men, really hot underworld men…was like a high in itself.  I am sorry to say this, but it is basically fact, pretty people have different doors opened for them…like, literally, more people opened doors for me when I was young and pretty haha.  Now the door to the gas station hits me in the face.  Welp, it was fun while it lasted, hot streak.  Yes, as I mentioned, being "conventionally"  pretty had its perks, but it came with a lot of struggle as well.  People immediately took me for a stupid asshole.  People called me a bitch before they even got to know me.  People thought I got jobs from blowing the manager.  My education, strength and courage were minimized.  If I showed strength, I was an arrogant bitch.  If I pretended to be inferior I was a dumb bimbo.  I could not win a lot.  It is hard to be taken seriously when you have big boobs you like showing off.  I want to break the stigma that sluts, people that look like sluts, women in general cannot feel sexy and smart.  Buuuuuut now that I am in my thirties I have to lean on my personality a little bit more than in my twenties…and that scares me.  I am looking at my life like "holy shit, I am over the phase of having a man take care of me….I gotta do something for my damn self…and I can no longer skate on my looks anymore."  Holtman Donuts now stick to my body like glue.  I cry looking at large French fries and then eat them anyways.  Then I do a jiggle technique in the mirror (ladies you already know) and then feel horrible about myself.  Used to be, I would stop eating for a few days and be back to my tiny frame.  Now…YIKES…if I do not eat, I get even larger.  Fuck you thirties metabolism.  Everyone thinks they are exempt until it happens.  It hit me like a ton of bricks this year.  I literally cannot lose my Fat Upper Pussy Area (FUPA) by using my old techniques.  I think of the calorie count of everything before I eat it.  I contemplate how much creamer to put in my coffee now.  I wonder…why the fuck are my arms so soft and jiggly now?  They were NOT like this six months ago.  Aging, man.  Many parts of it are truly a bitch.  I can no longer do a back walkover, but I think I can do one still, so I do the backbend for my daughter and black out so hard I don’t even know what planet I am on.  My daughter says words like "SAVAGE” and “FLEEK"  and I feel confused and uncomfortable.  I tell my children that back in the "olden days," we did not have cell phones.  If we could not find our friend at the mall, we just were shit out of luck.  If we miscommunicated a meeting spot or lost someone we were following, we were just fucked.  That blows my daughter’s mind.  I go to target and see earthy, "guilt free” thirty dollar shampoo and think…my gosh…I may feel guilt free because it is “green” or whatever, but hot damn, I got kids to feed. And, as Eminem put it best, “and man these God damn food stamps don’t buy diapers."  The struggle is real.  I now look at my mom and think "damn, you’re right. can you help me?"  I ask about pensions and mortgages and actually LOOK at my credit report.  I think about how far behind I am from a lot of my peers at OSU and hate myself…but then I tell myself that God put me on a different path. haha I think about how I am now identifying more with the parent in shows and movies than the kids…I watch "13 Reasons why” and I’m like “way to be an involved, concerned parent.  what is wrong with the word ointment??? that’s what it is, right?” I resent the high school kids for back talking.  And I want to scream…“YEA THAT BEAUTIFUL SUBURBAN HOUSE YOU LIVE IN WAS A REAL BITCH YOU GET, YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCK.  And…your headphones literally cost more than my entire wardrobe.  Why?  BECAUSE I SACRIFICE FOR YOU."  I used to think my mom was a bitch, honestly.  And now I look back and think…"DAMN…my mom is SAVAGE” (insert cringe hahaha) But she is a beast…I mean, she is a BOSS.  At home and at work.  She is respected.  Because she demands respect.  I want to be like her, honestly.  She more than provides for our ENTIRE family…including a husband that is severely handicapped.  She is fierce.  And, now that I am in my thirties, I want to be just like my home.  I know money can’t buy happiness…but it can put food in my childrens mouth and a roof over their heads.  And nowadays, it takes a shit ton of money to even just stay afloat.  If you are a single mom reading this, you are fucking superhuman.  Get it, girl.  I want to show my kids I am strong.  That I can rise up out of poverty and be a success even though the world thinks I cannot do it.  I am valuing what is on the inside of people instead of judging them for their outsides.  Most of the time I make snap judgments, I end up being wrong.  So I humble my know it all mind and get to know people.  Being in my early thirties is honestly one of the most beautiful times in my life.  I realized I do no want a narcissistic, abusive spouse…that I do have worth despite what he told me….that I am beautiful still, even though he said I am not and never will be again.  That I WANT sobriety.  That I love myself sober.  And that I can do whatever the hell I want to do in this life.  THE TIME IS NOW.  Love you all.