#but shidou lies to make others happy and help more people and to save more lives - all the while believing it a bit himself

[good-beanswrites]

hiihiii i love the way u write shidou smmmm so if ur requests r still open id like something with shidou + lies <3

Hellooo thank you!! Shidou zoomed his way into my favorites and I really enjoy writing him, haha! Here's a bit of him hanging with the smoking group T1

The problem with lying, Shidou had found, is that you end up fooling everyone involved. If you spend time trying to deceive someone, the people close to you will also believe it. If you continue, it will affect all those in proximity. And, if you do it for long enough, you’ll start to deceive yourself. 

Shidou had certainly lost track of his lies for a while. Right before it had all come crashing down around him, he’d almost believed all the beautiful tales of hope and health he’d been spreading. He’d almost seen the world as the place he’d been describing. 

And then the truth hit him; it crushed him. Seeing all the blood on his hands, he’d tried to swear the whole thing off in what little time he had left in this life. But, like his other habits, it was a difficult one to break. 

He exhaled smoke into the room, listening to Mikoto go on about the busy days of his office job. Shidou was concerned how he still spoke about everything as if he’d be heading right back after all this. 

He wanted nothing more than to sit him down for an examination. There were several reasons he may not remember his crime -- it was most likely the emotional shock, but Shidou couldn’t rule out the possibility of a head injury, an illness, a seizure, a stroke, or even it being a side effect of whatever drugs Milgram must have given the prisoners when bringing them here. It took everything in him to let Mikoto be. After all, no one was going to request help from a “killer doctor,” and he didn’t have any of his usual equipment. 

So he just stood and smoked in silence. 

“What about you?” Kazui asked. “My line of work definitely stressed me out, too. But I don’t think I’ve seen you bat an eye at anything since coming here.” He nudged Shidou. “Are you just as cool under pressure as those movie doctors?”

Shidou’s lips angled to a smile. “I suppose so. Though, I believe they look calm because they’re meant to appear perfectly competent. I’m calm so that patients don’t realize I am imperfect.” 

Was that all he was, when he killed those people? Just ‘imperfect’?

Seeing the way Mikoto’s eyebrows shot up, he clarified, “I’m very competent, mind you. But no doctor is perfect. Many patients will panic if you show even the slightest sign of doubt.”

He teased, “so you just lie to everyone all day? Damn, remind me to watch out the next time I go in for a checkup.”

“No, it isn’t like that.” Wasn’t it? 

The other two continued the conversation, but Shidou grew quiet. Was that something else he’d started to believe? Another thing he’d convinced himself was normal when, in fact, it was very, very wrong?

“I get that. Confidence is really important when dealing with dangerous situations.”

“Heh, I’ve definitely put up a bit of an act around here for some of the younger prisoners. I think it’s been helping, they seem calmer from when this all started.”

That’s right -- his goal was always to help, to calm. He watched Mikoto rub his temple absently, and knew another headache was approaching and knew what to do for it. He’d helped Haruka get over a cold the past week. He and Kotoko had discussed nutrition tips the other day. He was still doing good. The smile that he put up for the others was still doing good. 

“Well, I’m glad we’ve got a professional around here.” Kazui gestured his cigarette to Shidou, snapping him away from his thoughts. “Nothing against the guard, but it’s nice to have someone like you who can help me look out for everyone.”

“Yeah, feel better about being here already!” Mikoto slung an arm around him. The boy's expression showed he was trying to appear in on some joke. “So, doc, you think that all of us are getting out of this crazy place in one piece?”

Shidou wanted to warn him the situation was more serious than he knew. Milgram was not a big joke. He was not a man to be trusted. He was not a man to be forgiven.

But old habits die hard. 

“Oh, I'm sure of it.”