#but tbh this is kind of a fucking myself over moment deciding to critique the most logistically sound international politics theory

[elytrafemme]

at the worst part of essay writing btw (not done putting in quotes or finishing the essay but already at word limit meaning regardless of what i write i am going to have to trim it down anyway aueuehghg)

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[in-tua-deep]

things i think the Hargreeves should do post apocalypse:

Luther:

Any adult shop classes because I genuinely love mechanic!Luther and have been slipping that into like, all my aus where I can.

Goes to slam poetry nights because he genuinely enjoys poetry (hello space poetry from episode one about the comet or whatever) and maybe one day is confident enough to share his with other people

Gets some gym bros who all enthusiastically support him in a bro sort of way who are constantly getting their minds blown by how much Luther can lift and constantly going “YOOOOOO” while Luther tries to downplay things bc he’s embarrassed 

I don’t know I just want Luther to have actual friends

Probably goes to every astronomy event where people have telescopes and is known in that scene so every time there’s some event at the observatory newcomers are like “what the FUCK” when this bigass bodybuilder comes in and starts gushing about which planet is visible I don’t know

Spearheads a lot of the family’s museum (that aren’t art museum) outings, especially if they have any exhibit that even vaguely relates to outer space or planets or the moon or anything. 

Probably gets up at godawful hours on the morning to go hiking and see the sunrise because he really liked doing that on the moon and even though it isn’t quite the same he still loves to do it. (If he’s not hiking he goes up to Grace’s roof garden to watch it)

Diego:

He already does his fighting at the gym which is kind of cool I’m going to gently assume that he already has gym bros and if he doesn’t then he becomes somewhat more approachable after everything

(having your mother comes down to the gym and kiss your cheek or your teenage brother hop in to drag you away or you other very flamboyant sibling dance his way into the gym to fetch you doesn’t exactly do wonders for keeping a reputation going)

I do want to think that Diego takes up like,, whittling but I think he’d have to do it away from Vanya bc,, you know,, Leonard/Harold whatever was a woodcarver or something but idk maybe Vanya is cool with it - but just the image of Diego hunching over and carving at something and Klaus leaning over and trying to enthusiastically guess what it is while getting it super super wrong because Diego is a beginner and his starting pieces are all lumpy monstrosities makes me smile

Diego taking cooking classes so that he can surprise Grace by taking over dinner sometimes and letting her relax and do what she wants

I’ve said this somewhere before but Diego spearheading picnic events and forcing the family out of the house because he thinks it’s a nice thing for Grace to see the world and on god if any of his siblings fight him about it he will stuff their asses into a picnic basket himself because they are GOING

Gets dragged by Klaus into dumb ideas to “give ourselves a CHILDHOOD diego” more than any other member of the family. Which basically means that Diego is the one Klaus grabs to surf a mattress down the staircase and other dumbass ideas

Allison:

Probably ends up redecorating the mansion and completely redoing it to make it more modern and also less the horrible hellscape with taxidermied animals on the walls that it is. Her and Grace squad up to plan everything and then Allison makes everyone help when it comes to things like painting and building all the nice ikea furniture she just bought

Takes parenting classes as sort of extra credit for her custody case for Claire. I feel like eventually she and Patrick genuinely talk to each other, maybe at some kind of joint therapy, and sort of clear the air between them. They might never get back together, but they at least become sort of friends again. Mainly because I like the Patrick I’ve built up for myself in my head tbh

Occasionally attends craft classes with Klaus when she has a spare moment, because he goes to like,, all the local craft classes. She likes to spend the time with him. Is probably the only sibling who willingly attends with Klaus, but others get dragged along as well.

Probably takes up scrapbooking? She wants to have something physical to give to Claire so decides to go through like,, all the camera footage of their childhoods and pick out good images (because goodness knows they didn’t have cute family pictures) and maybe Grace uploads some of her memories to a harddrive with cute shit and they scrapbook together let me have this

on a related note buys a camera and starts trying to catch her siblings doing cute things for her scrapbook with the sort of determined energy of someone who has realized that she’s having to do her scrapbooking from security camera footage because their childhoods were fucked up

(she has a bajillion pictures of herself - thank you paparazzi - but all she has on her siblings is like... what, one of diego’s fighting posters and the two pictures of Vanya from her book and from the newspaper on the fucked up apocalypse concert??)

Klaus:

Genuinely goes to any and all craft classes offered at the community center and random places around town. Usually sort of a disaster, always a disaster when he drags along his siblings, and always proudly brings home his third grader worthy creations that Grace proudly puts on the shelves. He gets better at things the more he goes to them though, so there’s a progression of skill level in his crafts. Allison goes with him when she has time.

Has a knitting circle that he attends that is primarily made of little old ladies who dote on him. Five occasionally goes with but it often conflicts with Five’s other extra curricular activities.

Bakes at home a lot, with Grace’s supervision after some certain incidents that should remain unnamed. Tends to get ‘creative’ with the recipes but now that Grace is present to make sure it won’t be a disaster everyone is more willing to taste whatever comes out. Has, on at least one occasion, insisted on decorating cookies or icing cupcakes or whatever as a ‘family bonding activity.’

Goes with Ben to the movie theater frequently even to the gross horror movies that Klaus hates and Ben absolutely loves. Klaus always insists Diego come to the horror movies so that Klaus has someone physically there for him to hold onto when he’s scared. Five comes sometimes as well, but tends to critique the special effects - especially blood and blood splatter - which makes other people turn around to hush them.

Five:

I genuinely want to say he does gymnastics lessons. Mainly because I feel like he needs to do SOMETHING physical and get rid of his excess energy, and also I think it would be hilarious for him to be tumbling and teleporting and shit at the same time what a wild ride. Absolutely refuses to allow his siblings to come to any competitions or whatever, but they all end up showing up anyway.

Starts learning instruments. Asks Vanya for lessons on the violin so they can play together, it’s very cute. I also wants to say starts learning the piano because someone sent me an ask once about it and it was super valid. And Five can learn both because I say so and he doesn’t go to school he has the free time

Is on first name basis with a bunch of scientists and mathematicians online where they all yell numbers at one another. Probably in a super technical group chat with a bunch of people with actual doctorates who don’t actually know that Five doesn’t have a doctorate. 

Actually you know what just let Five start actually going to college like let him go to the local community college or start taking college classes or something. He can get his GED or whatever. Let this boy get a DEGREE

Goes to art classes, first because drawing therapy was something Klaus suggested and he wanted to get his brother off his back. Later because he enjoys it. There’s a life drawing group he frequents - he’s the youngest there and new people always do a double take when he shows up but Five is very meticulous in his art and is actually pretty good. Grace goes with him as well because I say so and they deserve bonding time together

Ben:

I mean he’s kind of dead but let him do things with his siblings as well!!

Like I said earlier, a total movie buff and loves going to see things in theaters. And by movie buff I just mean he sees a lot of movies. Bizarrely into horror movies for how sensitive a kid he always was. He goes to the theater with Klaus for the most part but likes to watch movies with the family as well. Klaus makes him watch every animated movie with him in return for Ben dragging Klaus to watch horror movies.

Probably ends up with a youtube channel?? does movie reviews and game playthroughs whenever Klaus has enough energy to manifest him. Is pretty popular but half his followers are because of the bizarre shit that goes on in the backgrounds of his videos. People figure out Klaus (who is a frequent guest) is The Seance and then Five jumps in to tell them dinner is ready or something and they’re like “wait is that the Seances brother with the portal powers who vanished when he was a teen and still IS a teen” and the fact that ben probably has a username that’s some shit like “bentacles” that klaus set up for him everyone is theorizing that the channel is just. Ghost Ben and Five who are being manifested by the Seance to?? play games? 

well. they’re half right.

it certain doesn’t help the rumor mill when Ben makes sarcastic comments about dying or how he can’t get arrested because he’s legally dead and shit like that.

“Yeah sorry I didn’t post yesterday Klaus’s knitting group ended up getting arrested somehow - I was there and I’m still not sure went down - so that’s why I didn’t manifest”

Vanya:

I mean obviously she plays the violin that’s her job. She also teaches Five how to play the violin when he expresses an interest!! She is very touched by the gesture

Swims to keep fit and is a frequent at the pool. Klaus once bugged her to let him come, but it’s really her thing that she just does by herself when she wants to get out of her own brain. She does promise Klaus that they’ll take a family trip to a water park one day though, which he enthusiastically takes her up on.

Attends a book club that she also half-shares with Ben. Ben doesn’t come with to any of the meetings, but she always buys two copies/borrow two copies from the library so that Ben can read along with them and he and Vanya discuss the books before she even goes to any of the meetings. Probably thought there would be more discussion of the books than complaining about their general lives, but keeps going because she lowkey wants an excuse to keep frequenting the bookstore where this cute girl works.

Her and Five steadily are making their way through all the coffee shops in the city (as well as through their menus) in search of the best cup of coffee. It’s just a fun thing they do together that the other siblings occasionally go with as well whenever they have time. Both Five and Vanya have notebooks where they record their ratings based on a variety of factors. Diego calls them pretentious and Klaus always gets the ones which are barely classified as coffee when he goes with (Five steals sips and makes faces but continues to do so)

Grace:

Frequents art museums and galleries! Supports a lot of beginning and local artists by buying their art and has a lot of rotating paintings and prints in the house depending on her mood. She got rid of pretty much like,, all the old painting that Reggie had up except for a few of her favs which she relocates to her new room that Diego put his foot down on giving her

Goes with Five to his art classes at first because, as a minor, he needed an adult to go with him for nudity reasons (it’s a life drawing class man). Grace didn’t expect to actually draw herself but Five insisted because he felt awkward with her just standing there. She prefers abstract styles herself (so many people at this art class have a crush on Grace you have no idea)

(actually goes with Five to most things he’s beginning for himself for at least the first lesson to sign him up as an adult because Five loathes having to ask his siblings)

Commissions someone to come and paint a portrait of the family that’s for them, where none of them are stiff and they’re all happy. She tips the artist fabulously for it and hangs the new family portrait in the place of honor above the mantle where Five’s portrait used to hang (they all destroyed it as a family bonding activity)

Keeps bees on the roof after one of the kids showed her an article about saving the bees. She can’t get stung and genuinely enjoys hanging out up there where she ALSO started a big garden because I say so and Grace deserves to be surrounded by flowers and bumblebees and happiness don’t @ me

[sirengenerator]

ribcage

tbh i don’t really know what this is but also? i’m kind of proud of it i guess. it’s a little. Pretentious. and maybe very self indulgent.

a character study of z and florence, and a general study of their relationship, which is wildly inappropriate.

content warnings for (vague) discussion of florence’s triggers and a weird mixture of a non-graphic sexual relationship and a shallow rivalry which could get kind of uncomfortable for some i imagine.

i’m going to edit it more when i have more energy.

(i. little wretched thing.)

Z is paper thin.

Shine a light through them and they become transparent. Tear them apart and they can never be put back together. You can try, though.

You can put them together like some rudimentary craft and still the damage remains. Taped over or glued together. The divide and the rift inside cannot be managed.

(And the impurity within them, not human and not siren, something in between. Violet-blooded, as the shipwreck would say.

It is a shame uncontested, unnoticed.)

You won’t try to fix them, though, and why would you? Selma—a mother, a sacrifice, in many ways—tries, and she must make the choice between her happiness and helping Z.

(She chooses the happiness.)

Paisley tries, God, Paisley tries. She reaches out and grasps at the nothing Z offers. She tries her best to make something out of this nothing, to make a functioning person, but Z pushes it all away.

To help them is to give up parts of yourself, and who would want that?

Z simply isn’t worth the time.

(ii. perfect sinking ship.)

Florence is perfectly herself, in every manner of the word.

She’s a success, by all means. If her people could see her now, they would be proud of what they had wrought. Carefree and reckless. Hedonistic and lustful. What a siren they have created.

She is a fine craft, and truly admirable in her own little way. The ship is always beautiful before it sinks. It is something to be admired and critiqued. Something to be proud of.

And what a beautiful tragedy the shipwreck is. What enormous pride it carried, and what shame it embodies when it sinks. And what a thing it is to forget, because eventually it will be forgotten. This perfect thing, this sinking ship, will be forgotten.

Florence will be forgotten.

Clever but ignorant. Easy but complex. Florence cannot handle even the slightest brush from the hand of trauma, lest she forget even more of her past.

And to have that name branded on her—the name of that prideful thing, that filthiness

(it must be filthiness, or they wouldn’t look at her like that, with pity and disdain, hatred and curiosity)

instilled in her in the name of purity—is a fate worse than death. How can she belong when she is the product of a failure?

(iii. don’t kill the messenger, but hate him because of what he represents. of what he looks like, because he reflects your own face.)

Z can’t stand Florence. Can’t stand to look at the face of someone so vile—though she is beautiful, all sirens are, she is an echo of something familiar. The voice of someone Z knows.

She is like Z. Belonging nowhere and wandering the interim. They are alike in so many ways, and it hurts Z’s heart to think of such a thing, so they decide that they hate her.

It’s much easier, that way.

(iv. their eyes are green and clouded with envy but yours are grey and your jealousy comes from a place of bleakness much the same.)

Florence hates Z because they are wasteful.

Humanity is wonderful, she thinks. They’re awful and terrible and they reign over the world in the clumsiest way they can, but they’re beautiful and they have so much depth and gods how she wishes she could be one sometimes.

The wish is a dull ache in her heart, ever-present and gnawing at the back of her mind. She doesn’t dwell on it.

Lingering, in her experience, has caused nothing but pain. Lingering is the unhappy memory in meeting people like Achilles. Lingering is the reminder and lingering is the trigger. Lingering is the scratch of the nail and the pain in the stab.

The veiled hand of Mnemosyne rests on Florence’s shoulder, and lingering provokes her ire.

Z does nothing but linger. Z does nothing but wade in the shallows of their own misery, and they waste golden opportunities like the one before them. Gods, they could be human! They could be everything Florence wants to be.

(v. feign ignorance, look down upon immaturity. do everything you can to distance yourself but get as close as possible.)

The distance between Z and Florence is tense and overwrought, but eventually it is breached by the mutual attraction between them. And they still hate each other. They still have a relationship built upon the foundation of instantaneous contempt, but that is sort of lost with the distance.

Florence is audacious. Like a star she burns, and Z does the same. They will burn until they put themselves out, and maybe crashing into the other won’t be such a bad idea.

(Needless to say, it’s a bad idea.)

Z lights cigarettes after sex. Specifically sex with Florence, because it’s very strenuous and fast paced and sometimes they need some time to appreciate life and smell the nicotine. Florence makes a face.

“Gross,” she says, rolling over to face the wall. Z sits on the edge of the bed and pays no mind to her. She runs her fingertips over the blanket, rubbing it between her fingers. She’s having fun, at least.

It is the slightest bit comforting, watching her entertain herself like this. She’s kind of the worst person that Z has ever met, and her diet mainly consists of human flesh, but her softer side is always there. The outer layer to something venomous. She rolls the blanket between the palm of her hands. “It’s soft,” she says, “Warm.”

Z nods and disregards. They instead opt to focus on the crowning of the guest room wall. “So, Troye and Laila aren’t working out?”

And Florence understands the barest bones of that sentence, but she understands. Troye and Laila are becoming a bit of a favorite subject for her, lately. She muses over the idea for a moment.

“They’ll understand,” she settles.

Understanding is a funny thing. It’s another thing that provokes the jealousy from Z, because God, Florence is surrounded by so much of it.

“Fuck you,” Z says. Florence weakly kicks their lower back from under the covers. “You weren’t even trying.”

They understand each other.

(vi. fuck you! you don’t get to change! you don’t get to grow! you don’t get to move past these things that have ruined you! fuck you and your hypocrisies! you don’t get to grow through using each other! you don’t get to not-ruin each other and you certainly don’t get to change for the better! you cannot outrun the things that have ruined you.

you can’t be more than the wretched thing. you can’t be more than the sinking ship.)

Months have passed. Things have changed.

“What about you?” Florence asks. They are sitting in the living room. Nerys is researching and Andre is with Achilles and Troye and Laila are probably doing something productive. Everyone has something to do except the two of them.

(the two sirens, the two ruinous ones. a harbinger of disappointment and a defector of purity.

but also, z and florence. the multi-faceted. the complex characters. the positives and negatives that can be associated with any human. their insecurities should not define them.)

They’ve yet to move past the sex, but the end is near. Florence feels it heavy in the air. Z looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “Love,” she says, and she has a hard time finding the words. “Are you in it?”

Z looks like the comment offends them, for a moment, but they remember Florence is an idiot and she’s gone and fallen in love. Wonderful, ecstatic love.

(Z tries not to be jealous.)

There’s a tense silence hanging in the air. Z shrugs.

“I think,” they start, and it takes them a while to find the right words. It takes them a while to think that they have such an understanding of themselves that they can make this comment, “I should work on myself, first.”

(vii. all bad things come to an end eventually, and all suffering must come to a close lest it become monotonous, but this is not what makes you suffer. you simply see a better outcome. you simply change. you simply grow.

you become more.)

Florence is in love, and every day she is getting a better grip on the meaning of that phrase. Love. It’s funny and wonderful and thinking about it makes this wonderful feeling well up inside her.

She changes, and fuck, she grows! She understands.

The freckles on Troye’s face, she understands them. The short eyelashes that Laila has, she understands them.

The sweetness that Troye embodies and the unwavering confidence that Laila carries with her wherever she goes.

This wonder, the beautiful thing they all share, she understands it.

She finally understands, and it is wonderful.

(you shed the guilt of existence, the regret of being.)

Z doesn’t know how to change, really.

In the past, they’ve had other motivations. Ulterior motives. They’ve had people who they’d do anything to impress,

(Paisley.)

and people they’d do anything to spite.

(Selma.)

Yet there is no one to spite or impress, here. There’s only Z, who is indifferent. They are both the orchestrator and audience to their change. It’s hard to think that way. Hard to think that they have the final word in fixing what’s broken.

Hard to think they’ve had the means to fix it this entire time.

Still, they work at it. They still sleep atrociously late and night and they still act like the cat who got the cream, smug as ever in every situation, but they make subtle changes. They talk to friends more. They call Paisley sometimes. They form something akin to friendship with their housemates.

(Nerys and Andre and Achilles are their housemates, now. It’s weird and it’s unexpected and it’s kind of a drag, sometimes, but sometimes it’s kind of nice, knowing that they’re around.

Andre seems proud of Z, sometimes, which is unprecedented. Z thinks he’s possessed, at first.)

They unblock Selma’s number, and it’s nothing like calling her, but it feels kind of nice. It feels like they’ve made a step toward something with her.

They wake up earlier in the mornings. They make breakfast sometimes. They exercise, though they loathe to do so. They even take showers when they aren’t feeling up to it.

They change on their own, and it’s kind of lovely.

(you become more. more than what you were shaped to be. more than someone trapped in your own body, more than a ghost in your own ribcage.

it is absent change. it is internal and it is slow and tenuous, at times. you are in no need of the other person as you change, but the voice,

the dark, succinct, dangerous voice of your insecurity

speaks less. whether you have changed at the ushering of yourself or your feelings for others.)

[facelessdreamer]

Fuck I’m just really feeling things man

God I feel so upset, or is that I’m genuinely not in the mood. I’m unhappy this very moment. It’s been slightly over an hour I think. A lot of shuffling from place to place has happened within that duration. Something which is not a bad thing but unusual for me as I don’t leave my house at all unless it’s essential. Fgs I postponed my interview dates several times already because I didn’t wanna leave but always pictured the process of the interviews going down however. So that meant I was hopeful to go to them soon but it was always a just not now so let me make that not happen thing. Funny, today I’m gonna postpone another upcoming interview. I just can’t. I want to but I can’t. I’m never ready. Everything’s always rushed even when there’s time and there’s never time so mostly it’s always just rushed. I do it to me. I do it all to me, the lateness, the no sleep, all the other wrong things in me I do it. Knowingly, purposely with all the control that I have yet so uncontrollably I do it. Anyways fuck off, you see how I just drift off to some next shit when I’m trying to say the thing I came here to say? Yeah my mind just does that and I have to have it written before it flies out and it always flies out then I feel a bad feeling bc I let that happen. I’m all about trying to better myself and do all the things that I want so I’m not slightly upset or frustrated or sad or whatver the bad fuck I am when something doesn’t go right. And I only talk about the little personal things that build me up as a person really. Not common human habits or factors. Just them personal me things that don’t go right. And look I did it the fuck again. Off track and onto some other invalid valid point ...smh. Anyways yeah I came here just to get it out about today. Nothing at all dramatic. But just me. I had an interview today I had to go to as my lie to postpone it favoured a solution I had to go with and so a reschedule wasn’t possible so I spent the whole of yesterday and last night till the sun rose coming closer to completing my portfolio pages. I didn’t even come close to finish. I am so disappointed in me for wasting my talent and potential like this. I have so much to do and show man. I spend all my time doing nothing. I am still the same old girl who is still doing shit she’s not supposed to last minute. Will I ever fucking change? I can’t even change that one vital thing about me. How am I gonna change in other major ways I want huh? Another thing, why the fuck can I always construct and bend sentences together perfectly in my head but the second I blurt it out I sound like a fucking amateur. Well to me anyway. You are your biggest critique after all. Soooo back to today, lemme get straight to the point now yeah it got deep on that Uber ride home. I was sleepy and hadn’t realised it till the journey was sadly ending. It was a sad factor and it was sunny but I was down so that made me feel less, the interview was not what I expected. So Let’s backtrack a little tho. I had good morning, I was doing my portfolio, gave up on time and cleaned up the shithole of a mess on the floor of my room and had a shower, got out in time to decide what to wear and my first outfit banged so good I’m planning on wearing it to all my interviews and next group outing. I’m still sitting here writing in it. Relating to this I was super sad bc all I wanted was an outfit picture, it was sunny and any place was a bomb background for this outfit bc it was central area. But no one exists that can take a picture of me in places. God send me someone like that. (God my eyes are doing that tired wanting to close thing) I haven’t had an all-nighter in ages. These days I eventually fall asleep at 8 or 9 am or whatver but I still sleep. All-nighters have me all good and energised in the peak of mornings still. Till afternoon when things quieten down and humans settle in the day or if it comes to to mid point of whatever it kicks in. And so on the way home it kicked in.

It was about ten past four bc that’s when my Uber finally arrived. Fucking cunt had to cancel the first one bc he literally was lost and he was always getting the fuck further and further away from destination point. I was lost too with heavy big ass portfolio folders I carried side from side having to walk in all kinds of directions till I found the place. Talk about being a tourist in your own city. Man was i lost. Anyhoo the guy was dodging my calls too, he was in the fucking car so how could pretend to not hear it call. Ring ring birch it’s ya customer answer the fucking phone. I was just getting vexed now bc I called three times and it took 25 seconds for it to dial wtf and with no answer ever. I was just finally standing there at location waiting for this bastard till finally i cancelled and got another Uber. He came like 15 after I confirmed but at least I was notified and I’d know this is how it is. Don’t just fuck up akd have me waiting tf I don’t have time to waste motherfuxker. Even though it was lovely out, young people and couples walking by and around. It was a nice place to be in and chill and just bloody be. A place I’d never seen and just taking in the nice light and parts of what my eyes saw all around me. It was lovely. But I was too annoyed to indulge. I chilled and texted my girl for a short bit and whatver I said last and I got no response and that was one thing I was thinking about on the drive home too. It was weighing me down with all the other things I was feelings. Especially the interview not going amazing. It was adequate af and not that I had expectations I just wasn’t overall pleased with it. Everyone else in the group had better answers than me and a lot more to say compared to the lot of bullshit that came out of me. The course was for them. I realised in that room sitting in the group interview how much this course wasn’t for me. These people knew what to say and what to talk about. I said all the wrongs things and talked differently to them all about the same subject and my words weren’t fitting in as well as the rest of the group. People were pleasant and it was all good with human connection. That was all good. It was just the questions that I couldn’t answer bc this wasn’t a particular interest like it was to them all. But it is my second choice if I don’t get into the top notch uni that I want to get into. I’d be happy to do this course nonetheless but I’m so many ways I doubt it. I can’t specifically say what exactly put me in a bad mood.,,... on wait I remember. It was just the way the other girls and that gay drag dude were all talking. They were saying all the things I think and say but like said before when I open my mouth the words in my head don’t come out. Some version that’s not as high as it should be comes out and they were all smart talkers to me and I just want to talk better like they can and it just bothers me that I can’t say all that I want to. This is because I literally forget anything I ever wanted to say and say basic shit summed up. I can only do anything I’m writing tbh.

I’ll come back to finish this. I been here too long. It’s gotten darker and slightly cold now