#but then i thought. 'oh everyone will just assume i'm lonely/sad/jealous'

[buckleydiazmp4]

fighting the pessimist allegations (i'm not helping myself win tho)

[cordycepsfem]

I saw this post on my "normie" blog and I have a couple of thoughts about it.

So there's a few things I boxed off because they jumped out at me.

1.) "Being openly queer" - OP is "genderqueer" and "aroace." I assume that by being "openly queer" on campus they wear a style of clothing and hair we're all too familiar with, accompanied perhaps by many pronoun pins and pride flags no one recognizes. Because what else is there beyond stereotypes? OP is straight "queer," which is meaningless, but I'm glad they've found that they're able to wear the clothes they like at college.

2.) The phrase "not being able to participate" when others are having a conversation about significant others was odd to me. OP can participate in a conversation about that, even if they don't have a reciprocal side of the conversation focused on their own romance/dates/etc. If you don't want to be a good friend and listen, then tell your friend that and leave. But it sounds more like you're jealous that you can't participate... because this is not the response of a supportive friend, it's the response of someone who desperately wants to have something to share.

3.) "This is supposed to be the least lonely time of my fucking life." Citation hella needed. College is not a series of cookie-cutter experiences for everyone. For some people it's another rung of high-school-level socializing and social enjoyment, and for some people it's a serious time when major events happen that change their lives, and for some people it just is what it is, and things go on more or less as planned. There is no certain guarantee that you are meant to have tons of friends in college.

The thing I didn't box off because it just sort of runs through OP's post is the sad "pity me" vibes. Oh, it's so sad that people my age are doing things most people my age do - I have to watch TV, can you believe it (girl, you have a sideblog for "Good Omens," nobody thinks you're a poor little meow meow for watching it again)? Oh, I don't want people I call my friends to be happy, I wish they'd come to the library with me instead. Oh, I can't figure out how tables work, so I can't bring a chair into the group without feeling like an outsider... really?

I understand OP is young and there's a lot of growing up to do in college. But one thing you should be prepared to learn ASAP is that for the vast majority of your college peers, dating and romance is going to be a thing. You understanding this now is, weirdly, the most "queer" thing about you.

For some LGB people, dating is hard. They might be closeted. They might be afraid of social attitudes. They might live somewhere it's not safe. They might not know how to find others like them. They definitely know that the majority of people in their peer group are heterosexual, because the majority of people are heterosexual. And maybe some of those LGB people are also out here making "pity me" posts, but I didn't see any of those, so this one will have to do.

Being "aroace" takes you out of a lot of situations that the majority of a peer group will get into. It's not your fault, and you're not "broken" for feeling that way, but you need to be honest with your friends and honest with yourself. If you can't stand to hear someone talk about a relationship, is that healthy? Can you be a good friend to someone if you can't hear them talk about a very normal, socially acceptable topic?

Let me provide an example. I don't drink, but I have friends who like to drink when we go out. I don't judge them for it, or act like I should be pitied or that somehow their drinking makes my social life lesser. Is it sometimes annoying that they always want to go to a bar or somewhere there's drinks? Sure. Can I ask them to do other things with me instead if I'm not feeling bar night? Of course - and we do lots of other things together. Is it socially acceptable to go until it's no longer fun for me and then just leave? Yep, and they're A-OK with that. None of us make a big deal about it.

I hope OP finds a way to make life bearable, and finds friends who are willing to make the kind of social agreements that keep her comfortable and her friends engaged... because demanding that her friends never go out and never talk about relationships will lose her all of them extremely quickly.

[algumaideia]

Young Octavian- part 2

This happens some years after the first part. Now Jason and Octavian are Reyna's friend and their relationship is complicated. Just like the last one you can decide their ages.

Also this didn't go where I wanted it to go, like I had my ideas while I was cleaning the kitchen I think and until I got to write them down they were mostly messy or forgotten. Besides the ending was just a surprise to me, anyway I hope this is enjoyable.

@zazzander I thought you might like this one, since it is about Jason, Reyna and Octavian relationship.

Part 1

TW: Depressive character with suicidal thoughts.

...

Octavian just wanted to distract himself. He just wanted to play mithomagic with Jason and Reyna and act like life was only formed by those moments.

"Hey, are the next praetors of the legion ready to play mithomagic?"

Jason smiled to him while Reyna seemed very confused for a moment.

"Damn it, I forgot the cards. Just a moment, I'm gonna get them."

And then she was out of the room before anyone could say anything. The boys just looked to where she went away without saying anything. The silent only ended when Octavian sat next to Jason.

"You don't know if we're gonna be praetors Tav"

"Of course you are going to be praetors. You guys are the golden child of the camp"

"And you are okay with that? I mean, your parents wanted you to be praetor right?"

"My parents don't give a shit about me, I don't see why I should give a shit about them."

"But, well..." Jason breathed deeply "don't you also want to be praetor?"

The question made Octavin reluctant. Jason didn't think about him like the legion did, right?

"Even if I wanted, which I don't, it wouldn't be possible. If being the augur and the centurion of the first cohort already exhaust me so much, imagine if I had to be praetor. Way more responsabilities than now, way less time to rest." Way more people to disapoint "Maybe I would end up dying of exhaustion!" Maybe becoming praetor wasn't such a bad idea.

"This makes sense it is just that this subject seemed to make you angry, you know?"

Oh, it all make sense now.

"It is just my parents"

"I'm back!" Reyna shouted "We can start playing"

...

When they were in the 6th round Jason needed to go away, some problem in his cohort. Reyna and Octavian decided to end the game.

"You know, you didn't need to act like that."

"Like what?"

Was he being rude? Did he broke some rule while playing the game? Did he-

"This passive-agressive. We know you are hurt and sad and jealous because you are not going to be able to praetor but that doesn't mean you need to act like this. You know this whole thing has been realy stressful to Jason. Be the star of the camp, all the pressure put on him, people just assuming he wants to become praetor and be a leader and this stuff. And then you come here and just throws all this stuff at his face. I... it was really petty. Don't do that again"

What was Reyna talking about? Octavina wanted to ask but she just left the room before he could do anything.

They knew he was jealous?! Jason didn't want to be praetor and didin't tell him?! He told Reyna, but not him who was his friend for more time?!

Octavian started breathing heavily. He couldn't understand. Jason would tell him if he wasn't confortable about the praetor stuff... right? And he knew Octavian for years so he wouldn't just believe in what everyone was saying. Of course not.

Maybe... maybe Reyna was just exaggerating. Yeah, that is it. She have known him for some months now, she knew him better than this. They both knew. Besides they were friends.

Unless they weren't.

Octavian was crying.

Was all that time of friendship fake? Were they just pretending to believe on him? To care about him? To trust on him? Was it all fake?

Octavian looked to the table where they were playing mithomagic. Why the gods hated him so much? Why give him two friends if they would just be fake in the end? Why make this with him when he was already so lonely?

A shiny object caught his attention. A dagger. He then imagined himself stabbin himself and dying. Would anyone miss him if he did that? He always thought that Jason would, lately he also imagined Reyna suffering. But since they were fake friends, would they miss him? Or would they celebrate his death?

And then Octavian had a new thought: What would happen if he stabbed Jason and Reyan instead? What if he had revenge for the way the two pieces of trash used and lied to him?

Well, then finally the way he was treated would be deserved.