#but we've only got 15 days left so i gotta get cracking

[ckret2]

Chapter 58 of human Bill Cipher in a quantum uncertainty state between being and not being the Mystery Shack's prisoner:

Everything you've wondered about how Bill survived his execution.

Let's rewind a couple of days.

####

Friday, 11:00 p.m.

"Welp," Mabel said, "I've got the rest of summer to try to get the whole story out of him! Goodnight, Dipper!"

Dipper's stomach flipped with guilt. "Yeah." The rest of summer. Mabel left for Portland in the morning. "Goodnight."

He lay down, pulled his sheet back up, and stared at the ceiling.

####

Friday, 11:04 p.m.

It took less than five minutes before the guilt won.

Yeah, no, nope, nuh-uh, Dipper couldn't do this. Not to his sister. He rolled over and hissed, "Psss, hey. Mabel."

"Hm?"

"Listen," Dipper said. "I hate Bill, okay, but I care about you, and also I think Bill might be part of a prophecy, so, because of that—I... There's something I need to tell you."

####

11:15 p.m.

Bill hadn't even had time to start dreaming before something dragged his mind back into the waking world.

There were white points of light as he passed through the hazy twilight of half-sleep. Those lights were his eyes. Lately, every time he started to wake up, he'd been seeing his eyes in the distance.

This time, there was one right in front of him, so bright it almost blinded him. He thought he could see something in the light.

He touched it.

And then he woke up, laying on his cushion bed as usual, watching as Mabel slid out of her room, crept near, and knelt beside him. She shook his shoulder. "Hey, Bill. Wake up."

And then he woke up—which was strange, considering he'd just done that—and stared at the dark inside of his hoodie.

He pushed back his hood. There was Mabel, crouched next to him, just like he'd "dreamed." Huh. Well done, Cipher, it seems you've just learned a new trick.

He tamped down his excitement; he could figure out what to do with this trick later. For now, he had a higher priority. "'Sup, kid?" He pushed himself up on an elbow, roughly flipping his hair out of his hood so it wouldn't keep tickling and choking around his neck. "It's the middle of the night." He yawned and mumbled, "Not that it makes a difference to me, but..."

"Shhh! We've gotta stay quiet," Mabel whispered. "I need to get you out of here. They're gonna kill you."

He sat bolt upright. "All right," he said. "You have my attention."

####

Dipper refused to say how, but according to him they'd synthesized just enough fuel for one shot with their fancy quantum whatever gun, and they couldn't make any more. They planned to execute Bill once Mabel was gone.

Mabel could just open a door for Bill and let him escape in the middle of the night—but that had dangers of its own. Bill would have to travel to a hiding place on foot—and his shoes were crap for hiking—his feet were also crap for hiking—and he'd only have until the adults started waking up and realized he was gone. Even if he kept moving all night, the adults would probably be able to cover the same amount of ground in a couple of hours, he'd probably inadvertently leave a trail a mile wide, and the forest's local supernatural population would definitely snitch if one of the Stans asked if they'd seen anything.

Plus, it wouldn't be very hard for the adults to figure out that Dipper had cracked and Mabel had helped Bill escape, and then everyone was in hot water.

They needed a way to cover Bill's escape to make it harder for the adults to pick up his trail, to give him as much time as possible to get some distance from the shack, and to delay Mabel getting in trouble. ("And Dipper," Mabel said. "Sure," Bill said unenthusiastically.)

But if they could, it would be best if they found a way to ensure the adults never even thought to look for Bill, Mabel never got in trouble at all, and the Quantum Destabilizer could never be fired again.

It was possible, Bill said. It wasn't guaranteed, but it was possible. They had a good chance. A very good chance. In fact, never mind, he'd decided it was guaranteed, they'd pull this off easily.

All they had to do was fake his death.

He knew a way.

####

11:45 p.m.

Dipper was stirred out of a drowsy near-sleep by the door creaking open and a couple sets of footsteps shuffling in. He rolled over and squinted across the room.

Mabel was quietly collecting craft supplies—pens, papers, her small starter sewing kit she used for repairs. Bill climbed into the loft to grab some musty pillows and blankets that had been stored for years in a cardboard box.

"Mabel?" Dipper mumbled.

Mabel put a finger over her lips. "Hey Dipper," she whispered. "You can go back to sleep, we'll be up in the loft."

"Doing what?"

"Scheme-y stuff. Don't worry about it." She flung her arms around Dipper, whispered, "Thank you," and ran across the room to grab her backpack and the height-altering flashlight.

Dipper glanced toward the loft. Bill was waiting at the top of the ladder, a dark vaguely-triangular silhouette, only his eyes visible as they reflected the dim light like a cat's. Dipper had had more nightmares than he could remember about waking to find Bill hovering in the dark above him.

Bill's gaze flicked from watching Mabel to staring at Dipper. They made eye contact. Bill didn't say anything.

Then Mabel climbed up the ladder, supply-stuffed backpack slung over her shoulders. Bill gave Dipper one last silent look, then turned away to follow Mabel to the back of the loft.

Dipper rolled over and tried to fall back asleep.

####

The plan was to create a dummy that looked like Bill to take the Quantum Destabilizer's shot in his place, while the real Bill got as far from the shack as the weirdness barrier around town would allow.

Bill told Mabel that the dummy didn't need to be complicated: he had an enchantment that could make it completely convincing. All he had to do was write out a spell and leave the paper over the dummy, and anyone who looked at it would be convinced it was really him in the flesh.

Similarly, sneaking Bill out of the shack didn't need to be complicated. They could shrink Bill down and stick him in Mabel's backpack, and all she'd have to do was come up with an excuse to get out of the car and set him free before they left town. 

The hard part would be the choreography of the whole thing. They needed Bill to put in an appearance that morning, to prove it really was him walking around; and then go somewhere that Mabel could hide him away without anybody noticing; and then ensure that nobody would see the Bill dummy until they were safely out of range, just in case. "The enchantment's pretty good," Bill said, "but the more people see it and the longer they get to look at it, the less potent it gets. And all it'll do is make the dummy look like me—it won't be able to walk and talk. It's best if the only person who gets a good look at it is my executioner."

The word executioner made Mabel shudder. It would probably be Ford, wouldn't it? She knew he thought he was doing the right thing. She knew it wasn't the first time he'd tried to destroy Bill. She knew she'd been fine with it last summer. She even knew that Bill would be okay. But all the same, she wasn't sure how she'd look at Ford the same way.

Once they had the dummy set up somewhere away from the family's prying eyes, they had to discourage everyone from trying to approach "Bill" until they were ready to kill him. And, ideally—just in case the executioner tried to speak to Bill or the enchantment otherwise failed—they should stage it all in a way so that no one would think Mabel had been involved in the escape plan.

The solution was obvious.

"I live to cause drama for no reason," Bill said. "I upset mortals recreationally. Can you act?"

"Can I act? Pshhh!" Mabel flipped a hand dismissively. "Maybe you were too busy badly impersonating my brother to watch, but last year I kind of staged an entire puppet show performing and singing as every character."

So it was a plan: they would stage a fight.

They were sitting in the very back of the attic loft, behind stacks of forgotten boxes and abandoned junk, beneath the meager light of the loft's window. Bill didn't need the light. He had a pen and paper and was writing out his enchantment's spell while they talked, long lines of inscrutable text. It was so dark that Mabel couldn't even see what language he was writing in, but that was fine; Bill had said that if she read his spell—if anyone read it—it would break the enchantment.

"Whoops," Bill said, "yeah, afraid I missed your whole show! I was too busy backstage trying to avoid your friends and looking for a way onto the catwalk."

Mabel shook her head in disapproval. "You would have liked it. There were live pyrotechnics and lasers and fog machines and a giant tentacle monster war and seventy-four songs and puppets!"

"I'll admit, sounds like a killer show. How about gore?"

"There was a whole song about my love interest getting his legs chewed off in the war," Mabel said. "The sock puppets don't have legs, but everyone knows your own imagination is a lot scarier than anything you actually see."

This kid could have a brilliant artistic career as a serial killer. "That's familiar. Is this war based on that 'cats versus the giant octopus' dream you keep having?"

"Yeah, and you'd have known that if you'd actually watched the opera! Too bad you missed the whole thing," Mabel said. "I guess you were just too busy being evil to appreciate the simple joys of a good, clean, non-villainous puppet show."

"Oh no, I can't believe my actions have consequences," Bill said flatly. "What would I ever have done if you hadn't enlightened me."

"Died, probably."

Bill glared.

"You know! Like you did last summer? As a consequence of your—"

"You shush."

Bill shoved Mabel away when she started to laugh, and held the enchantment up between their faces so he didn't have to look at her. He read his work over, then folded the paper in half and half again. "Hey, maybe you can put on an encore presentation sometime." Bill carefully inscribed four symbols in a square on the folded paper. "I promise I'll laugh at the jokes and fake cry at the sad parts."

Mabel shuddered. "No way. I'm never touching that show again. Too many bad memories."

"Awww, how come?"

Mabel stared at Bill.

Bill said, "Oh, right."

"Yeah," Mabel said coldly. "Thanks."

Bill shrank back. He leaned against a cardboard box, not sure where to look, drumming his fingers self consciously on the floorboards. Trying to figure out the right thing to say to make it better.

"Hey," he said. "If you ever change your mind about reviving the show... can I play the reverend again?" He grinned.

Mabel wadded up a paper and chucked it at Bill's face.

####

They agreed that scripting out every bit of the argument would make it sound too fakey; and anyway they were going to do this on no sleep and with no time to practice, if one of them forgot a line mid-argument it would ruin their entire plan. Bill said he was great at improvisational acting (which Mabel suspected was his way of trying to make "great at lying on the spot" sound good), and Mabel was a pro at getting into character for pretend games, so this should be easy. They just needed to choose a few topics they could realistically argue about.

So they started making a list of things that would totally infuriate each other.

"I can't think of anything that would make me furious," Bill said. "Outside of something serious like a murder attempt, anyway. I'm an even-tempered triangle! I don't sweat the small things!"

"You got sooo mad when I forgot to tell you about my Summerween plans."

Bill grimaced. "Right," he muttered. "That." 

Teasingly, Mabel asked, "Are you still grumpy I made plans?"

"I was not grumpy you made plans. I wasn't grumpy at all! I just would have appreciated if I'd known sooner, I planned my whole evening assuming I'd have somebody around to open doors—"

He saw Mabel's increasingly amused smirk, stopped himself, held up a hand, and said, "I'll save it for tomorrow morning."

Mabel wrote down the idea beneath four ideas she'd already scratched out. She'd temporarily removed the crystal from the height-altering flashlight so she could illuminate her paper while she wrote. "The concert will definitely come up tomorrow morning! And you can act like that's the first time you heard about it."

"Sure, no problem. We haven't talked about the concert where your uncles could overhear, have we?"

"I don't think so."

"Then that's perfect. I can pretend to be mad you didn't tell me." Bill forced a smile. "All right, your turn." He rested his elbow on his knee and his cheek on his fist. "I realize that, apart from the unfortunate meat suit, I'm the most flawless person you've ever seen—" he ignored Mabel's raspberry, "—but for the sake of argument, just imagine something you might get mad at me for."

"Um... insulting Dipper?"

"Now that sounds fun. But no, can't risk it, he'd be too tempted to jump into the argument," Bill said. "Besides, what if I said something you agreed with?"

"What! Why would I agree if you insulted my brother?"

"He smells like a sweaty ferret and when he has a crush he turns into a creepy little stalker."

Mabel laughed. "Yeah, he does. Okay, um..." She went silent for a moment, tapping the butt of her marker on the paper. 

She stopped tapping; and then quietly said, "I'd be so mad if I thought you were trying to keep me from hanging out with my friends."

"Oh, I could do that easily." Bill reviewed his wording, decided a human could take that as a threat, and quickly amended himself, "Could pretend that I'm trying to do that easily. You know I'd never, but hey, the adults here are ready to believe the worst about me—"

"You promise?"

"Sure I promise!" He processed the question after he'd already answered it. "Hold on—you think I'm the kind of person who would do that?" He was, but he didn't want her to see him that way.

She shrugged, looking down at her idea list again. "You've done it to other people."

"Name one!"

"Grunkle Ford and Old Man McGucket."

Oh, of course. That snitch of a backstabbing ungrateful ex-student, bane of Bill's entire miserable postmortem existence. Had to find as many ways as possible to make Bill look bad, didn't he. "All I did was tell Stanford that hick was a coward and a flake. I didn't make him do anything! If he agreed with me, that's on him." Bill crossed his arms irritably. "And Specs was a coward and a flake. Is it a crime to be right?"

"But you ruined their friendship on purpose, didn't you."

Bill tried to find a graceful way to wriggle around the direct accusation that excused his actions without contradicting whatever she might already know. "Did not," he said.

Mabel frowned at him.

Bill averted his gaze. "So! That's great. Trying to keep you away from your friends. Something I've never done to you but would be a really good thing to fight about. What else."

Mabel sighed and looked over her list again. She wrote something, scratched it out; started another line and scribbled it out; and then said in exasperation, "Your morals are terrible."

Bill had to clap a hand over his mouth to keep his sudden laugh from waking Dipper. "You've got too many morals, it's your biggest character flaw. How many does one person really need, two or three? That's an easy topic, arguments about morality can drag out for hours!"

"We probably only need to fight for like ten minutes, right?"

"Sure. List done! That's everything we need."

Mabel heaved a sigh of relief. She read over the list, glanced at the flashlight she was reading with, and said, "I should get extra batteries. It'd be the worst if we got you way out of the shack and then the batteries died while you were still small."

Bill wasn't sure about that. Being so tall for weeks on end felt awkward and wrong. His limbs were always in the way. He bumped into things he should have been able to slide between. The more time he spent in this body, the more he wanted to spend a month at the size and thickness of a greeting card. He joked, "Hey, I don't know; it'd be easier to hide..."

"Yeah, and easier to get squarshed." Mabel turned off the flashlight and picked up her backpack. "I'm getting batteries."

While Mabel was downstairs, Bill picked up her list to see what topics they'd found to argue about so far:

Weirdmaged

Making me think you were Blendin to get the

Kitten fists meow meow

Almost killing me

Not sharing Summerween plans

Trying to make me kill myself by

Ruining Glove Story

Insulting Dipper

Insulting Waddles??? (too lovable!)

Weirdm

Mabeland Isolating me from everyone

Spray painting your eyeball

Weir YOU'RE TOO EVIL!!

I'M TOO NICE!!! ♡

He reread the list, feeling his guts writhe and twist involuntarily.

Yeah. Those were all the things he'd decided not to bring up, too.

At least they were in agreement on what they didn't want to talk about. That was true friendship, right? Friendship didn't mean never hurting each other; it meant mutually agreeing never to talk about it again.

He read the list a third time.

####

A spare pair of Bill's black leggings and a pair of black socks would serve as half of the decoy body, stuffed with old bedsheets and half a pillow that Mabel had sized up with the flashlight so it was closer to Bill's actual torso size. For the time being, the top half of the decoy was constructed out of a flannel shirt; Bill would have to put in an appearance downstairs in his hoodie, and then they could quickly go upstairs and put it on the decoy to complete the look.

He'd miss that hoodie almost as much as he missed his own face. But it was a small price to pay for his life.

"I don't know," Mabel whispered, inspecting the dummy with the flashlight from near the edge of the loft. "It doesn't look super convincing. It's kind of lumpy all wrong." She knelt by it and tried to poke the fake thigh into a slightly more convincing shape.

"Don't worry about it," Bill whispered, waving the folded paper with the secret spell written inside. "The enchantment will hide all that. As long as the dummy looks mostly human at a glance, no one will notice anything."

Mabel gave it one last worried look, but nodded and turned off the flashlight.

####

Mabel crept out of the office and eased the door shut. "Got it," she whispered, holding up a faded black umbrella. "Are you sure you don't want a better umbrella, though? Some of the spikes are broken and I think it's supposed to rain today."

"The other humans will be less likely to notice a broken umbrella going missing," Bill said. "Anyway, this one saved my life once. I'll take it."

"Then that's the last supply we needed to pack," Mabel said, sighing in relief. "It's still a couple hours until morning. Should we get some sleep?"

Bill considered it, and shook his head. "No. Better not."

Sleep scared him. Sure, he endured it when he had to—he had no choice—and, under the circumstances, although it was a close call, he grudgingly preferred sleeping to dying of sleep deprivation; but he kept it at bay as long as he could, sleeping irregularly, infrequently, and briefly. Knowing it was necessary didn't make the fear go away.

It was the helplessness of the whole thing—knowing that, once his mind had shut off, anything could happen around him, anything could happen to his body—and not only was he ignorant and defenseless, but he was also powerless to wake himself up any sooner than his tyrannical circadian rhythm dictated. He lacked even the power to think about waking.

If Mabel hadn't woken him tonight, he might have slept through his own death. 

He continued, "What if we sleep in and don't have time for the fight? I'd be doomed." Bill didn't even have the luxury of an alarm clock.

"Oh—good point," Mabel said. "So we should probably do something to keep us awake."

"Right," Bill said, wracking his exhausted brain for an idea. "Overdose on caffeine?"

Mabel was quiet for a moment. "If this works, it might be a long time before we see each other again," she said. "You'll probably have to keep hiding until Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan leave town in the fall. And by then summer will be over, and I'll be back in California..."

She was right. If they pulled off this plan, he might never see Mabel again. It wouldn't exactly be safe to ring up the Mystery Shack. Sure, sooner or later he'd find a way to restart Weirdmageddon, and then he could invite her into his gang... And she'd join, wouldn't she? Of course she would. He just needed a chance to talk to her about it away from the closed-minded killjoys in her family that were holding her back. But until then...

She groped through the dark to grab at Bill's sleeve. "Dance party? While we still can?"

"Sure, star girl." Where had this lump in his throat come from? "Sounds fun. Dance party."

####

5:30 a.m.

It was the first time Bill had danced since his death.

All Mabel had to offer was Sev'ral Times, upbeat kid's show soundtracks, unlistenable synthesized junk, and whatever was playing before dawn on the radio stations that could reach Gravity Falls; the stained yellow shag carpet and homely plaid wallpaper made him miss the dark smoky rooms and strobing multicolor lights of a real club; he couldn't risk drinking this early in the morning if he wanted to have a head clear enough for escape; and he never forgot that, outside of the living room, the halls were empty and silent.

But he'd danced to music that made his eye bleed and his memories howl and he'd danced to no music at all; he'd danced in millions of crummy makeshift dance halls and night clubs and dive bars that had tumbled into or been cobbled together in the Nightmare Realm; he'd danced when he was so brutally sober that time in all its sharp cruel clarity seemed to have frozen to turn a spotlight on him; he'd danced with his worst enemies and he'd danced all alone; and there wasn't any force on this planet that would stop him from dancing now.

After spending four songs in a row making fun of Bill for attempting to figure out how to puppet a human body into some approximation of a dance, Mabel asked, "What were dances like on Flatworld?" It made Bill internally wince each time he heard it called that.

But he welcomed the opportunity for a break; he leaned back to half sit against the living room table, breathing heavily, arms trembling. "Dif—difficult question." He had to pause to catch his breath. His lungs and muscles couldn't keep up with him; this body was too hard to keep moving, so inefficient, 90% of the fuel that went into it was wasted uselessly. It was already beginning to atrophy in the few short weeks he'd had it, muscles withering from days stuck indoors with nothing to do but sit and stare out the window. He'd been made of pure energy for so long that maintaining all the little systems to keep a flesh body energized—food, water, sleep, exercise, not too much exercise, oxygen—felt like a Sisyphean torture. "S'like asking—'what're human dances like'? There's a—lot of variety."

"You know what I mean!" Mabel was still half dancing, bouncing from foot to foot. Bill wanted that kind of energy. "How do you dance?"

Bill shut his eyes, seeing colors flash behind his eyes—gyroscopic, kaleidoscopic, shapes spinning and whirling in spirals. "I'd show you, but there's not enough room in here for me to do a cartwheel."

"Seriously, Bill."

"I'm being serious! Plus I can't float. It wouldn't look right in a human body." It would look better if he cut his silhouette out of a piece of paper, taped it over a flashlight, and projected the shape onto the wall. "Tell you what—as soon as I'm back in my real body, I'll show you how I dance, all right?"

"Come on, Bill! You're just trying to wiggle out of—"

"Mabel," Bill said, "I can't do those dances in this body."

Mabel's teasing smile faded. "Really?"

"Unless you know a way to dislocate my shoulder so I can slide my entire arm from one hip over my head and down to the other."

"Ew." Mabel grimaced.

"It looks cooler on a triangle." Bill smiled wanly. "But hey, I spent all day yesterday teaching you everything I know—you can teach me something. I haven't used a human body in thirty years! What dances are popular these days, I haven't learned anything new since the moonwalk."

Mabel's eyes widened. "You know how to moonwalk?"

"Sure! It's easy. I figured it out in Stanford's body."

"I don't believe you. Prove it."

Bill pushed off the table. "Oh, yeah? Are you ready to look stupid?" He effortlessly glided backwards across the floorboards. He pointed at Mabel's gaping face as he passed. "What do you think of that?"

"Show me how to do that and I'll teach you every dance I know."

Bill grinned. He loved deals that were unfairly biased in his favor, and he loved it more when he didn't even have to propose them himself. "You've got yourself a deal, Shooting Star." It would keep them occupied for the next hour.

####

6:32 a.m.

About fifteen minutes ago, Bill had warned Mabel that he'd just glimpsed the beforeimage of Ford crossing the living room in the future; and then they'd kept partying, wanting to get in every last second of joy they could before he arrived in the present.

But once Ford was no longer approaching but actually there, seeing his face was like a bullet to the head. Bill had been having so much fun, for a few minutes he'd almost forgotten that today was execution day. 

And it wouldn't be execution day if he had anything to say about it.

Bill demanded, "What's with the sour face?" (Ford's eyes were so dull, his expression so heavy; Bill had never seen him wear that look, not even any of the previous times he'd tried to murder Bill.) "Hey, am I not allowed to dance now?" He squeezed Mabel's hands tighter.

Ford just gave a tiny shake to his head and hurried past them, not even deigning to look at Bill, as though he were telling himself he'd only imagined he'd heard the voice of a ghost.

I know what you're up to, Bill thought at top volume silently in his head. But you won't do it. You won't do it.

He met Mabel's gaze. She gave him a tiny nod. Party was over. Time to get to work.

####

6:36 a.m.

Over the course of the night, Dipper had been woken twice by bursts of quickly-hushed laughter; three times by random bumps and thuds; once by Bill falling off the loft and Mabel's squeal of alarm; and several times by Mabel waking Dipper to ask if it was okay if she gave Bill Dipper's old shoes (so Bill could finally walk in the woods properly), his sleeping bag (so Bill didn't have to sleep on hard rocks under a single sad Pony Heist bedsheet), his "Edible Plants of Oregon's Blue Mountains" booklet (self-explanatory), and several other things he also said "yes" to without hearing properly. It had better be one heck of a prophecy that Bill was involved in, because Dipper was this close to just murdering Bill himself.

When Dipper went downstairs, he couldn't even look at Mabel and Bill—terrified something in his gaze would give the whole conspiracy away. He didn't even know what they were planning. Was dancing in the living room part of it? Was it some distraction? He'd hoped Bill would already be gone by now.

He couldn't meet Ford's eyes either, for the guilt of betraying his trust. He didn't deserve these scrambled eggs.

He couldn't meet anyone's gaze.

He really, really hoped Mabel and Bill had a plan. He hoped it was a good plan. Because whatever the heck they were up to—Dipper was afraid it was on him to prevent Ford and Stan from intervening too soon and finding out.

####

6:49 a.m.

After they'd escaped the kitchen, Bill glanced over his shoulder toward the stairs before Mabel got the attic door closed. "Do you think Ford noticed something?"

Mabel was already running across the room, retrieving her phone charger and phone to stuff in her backpack and pocket, making sure she'd packed everything she needed for her trip—everything except for Bill. "I wasn't looking. Did he?"

"I don't know." Bill flashed one last worried look at the door; but he couldn't afford to slow down, he had a dummy to finish. He hurried up the ladder, took off his hoodie, pulled on a tank top, tried to fish his pre-written enchantment out of his pocket in the same movement, and fumbled and dropped the paper over the edge of the loft.

Mabel had been checking her bag for the concert tickets when a paper fluttered down on her hair. She instinctively grabbed it and unfolded it before she registered the four sigils written on the outside and realized this was the enchantment Bill had said would stop working if anyone read it. She'd reflexively read the first few lines before she could stop herself. She froze. Her gaze jerked up to Bill, eyes wide.

Bill dropped down the ladder, snatched the paper out of her hand so quickly it almost tore, and immediately climbed back up. "I told you not to look." He carefully refolded it.

"Is that...?"

"It'll work," Bill hissed, with an insistence that said he wasn't sure it would work at all.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" He held up the dummy's pillow torso and yanked the hoodie on top of it.

When Mabel didn't say anything, Bill sighed. "Even if it doesn't—this only needs to work until we're on the road. They can't stop us then."

"Bill—"

He shakily inhaled, and then he raised his voice loud enough he'd be heard downstairs. "What do you need to spend all that time around those two brats for, anyway?! What, am I not good enough company for you?!"

They didn't have time to adjust the plan. They were in the middle of it, right now, and the guys expected to hear an argument. Mabel swallowed hard and raised her voice as well. "Not when you're acting like this, you aren't! You're a bigger brat than—than both of—and my friends aren't brats!"

Bill bit his lip, brows drawn in pain, eye squeezed shut, trying not to laugh.

Mabel chucked a sock at him, don't you dare. "You can't say I can't hang out with my friends, that's stupid!"

"I never said you can't!" Bill held the folded paper a foot above the completed dummy, the square of symbols face up, and tapped it twice so it hovered in place when he let go. "Hang out with your stupid friends, I don't care! But two whole days is ridiculous—!"

####

7:02 a.m.

"I THOUGHT you were my FRIEND!"

All three eavesdroppers cringed—Dipper hardest of all. His heart was hammering out of his chest and his t-shirt was at least 50% sweat by volume. Was this part of the plan? It sounded like an insane plan. This couldn't be the plan. It had to be the plan. He'd already prevented Ford from intervening, what if they were really fighting? But what if this really was the plan? 

"WELL! If you're gonna act like this just because I wondered what you're up to, maybe NOT! What kind of fun are you good for, you wouldn't even be into burning a house down!"

Dipper messed up. He'd actually ruined their friendship right before Bill was about to die and Mabel would be miserableand it was all his fault. This fight was real. They were furious. They hated each other—

####

7:03 a.m.

"OH YEAH, WELL—" Mabel faltered as she struggled to think of a fitting retort. "YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE INTO—into—n-NOT BURNING A HOUSE DOWN!" She cringed at herself, struggling not to laugh.

Bill had been fighting the urge to laugh so hard that his face was turning red. "OHHH WOW, GREAT COMEBACK."

Mabel's voice went shrill with suppressed hysterics. "SHUT UP!" Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she socked Bill's arm. If he made her lose it when everyone was outside listening—

The door opened. "Hey—!"

They both rounded on Stan. "STAY OUT OF IT!" Mabel snatched up a discarded sweater. Stan shut the door just before the sweater hit it.

Mabel quietly wheezed, "Do you think he saw anything?"

"No, n—" Bill had to clap both hands over his mouth and nose to keep silent. Mabel wrapped her arms around him and smushed her face against his chest to muffle herself. They stood there, shaking, until the hysterics passed.

The stress was getting to them.

####

7:06 a.m.

"Fine!!" Mabel lifted the height-altering flashlight. "Then you can just stay here all weekend!"

Bill had on his backpack (Dipper had "agreed" Bill could take his) and was clutching his umbrella. He gave her a thumbs up; ready. "FINE!"

"FINE!" Mabel turned on the flashlight. When Bill was around four inches tall, she turned it off, knelt down, and offered her hand for him to climb on. She stuffed the flashlight in her backpack, carefully set Bill in a sweater nest (how had Gideon flung her and Dipper in a jar so cavalierly? she was terrified of snapping Bill's bones like toothpicks), zipped the backpack and gingerly put it on; and then Mabel was storming out of the room.

"Leave him in there," Mabel snapped, pointing at the door. She was shaking with fear. "He's in TIME OUT."

Dipper glanced nervously at the door, "Um..." He looked so worried. She hadn't had a chance to explain the plan to him.

Mabel glared into his eyes. She summoned up all her mostly placebic Twin Empathy Powers to beam her thoughts into Dipper's brain. Don't. Please don't. If you say anything you'll ruin it.

He raised his hands. "Okay, fine."

Mabel rushed past him to the stairs, trying to escape as fast as possible without jostling her backpack.

####

7:08 a.m.

Buckled into Mrs. Grendinator's car, voice shaking, Mabel said, "Can we just go? Please?" Now, before someone ran out of the shack and waved them down to demand Mabel explain where Bill had gone. Her hands were trembling in fear, clutched protectively around her backpack with its secret cargo. One of her best friends was in there. She couldn't let anything happen to him.

Mrs. Grendinator nodded. "Of course."

As they pulled around the Mystery Shack and toward the road, Mabel glanced toward the attic bedroom window, afraid the adults might have already gone in and discovered their trick; but no one looked back.

Now all she could do was hope the paper Bill had left floating over the dummy would do its job.

####

(Shoutout to the one person who theorized the size changing flashlight could be involved, I'd @ you but I don't want you to see this before you read the chapter. You may claim credit in the notes. Based on the messages I received, one person guessed Mabel got involved halfway through the fight, no one guessed she was in it from the start, and NOBODY guessed Dipper got involved.

For a fun time, go back and read last chapter and this one in chronological order via the timestamps!

But first I wanna hear all your thoughts.)

[punkscowardschampions]

Hathor & Sekhmet

Hathor: About to slap myself so you'll feel it Hathor: wherever you are ain't where you should be Sekhmet: what im sleep Sekhmet: 😴😴😴 Hathor: wake up 👊🏽 Hathor: you asked me to meet you, remember? Sekhmet: I think that's tomorrow Sekhmet: I said Wednesday, right Hathor: That's today Hathor: you blackout past Tuesday? Sekhmet: You're joking Sekhmet: well then, that means I've got a deadline I gotta meet and not a whole lot of time for brunch dates Hathor: you're joking Hathor: I cancelled on a fine boy for you Sekhmet: it's so early you got time to hit it back Sekhmet: I know I didn't tell you I'd meet you at the crack of dawn Hathor: you didn't and you're late af still Sekhmet: chill sis, I'll make it up to you Hathor: yeah Hathor: anyone else'd be offended you don't ever want to have a sober conversation Hathor: but I'll see you in the club Sekhmet: girl, chill 😂 Sekhmet: how fine was he that you're all kinds of vexed with me Sekhmet: don't even care how I'm gonna make it up to you, oh my days 🥴🍆🧠 for real Hathor: he's got prospects, I'm not saying any more than that if you're not coming out 👅 Hathor: I'll care how you're gonna make it up when you next show up for real Sekhmet: ugh! living up to your name 🐮 Sekhmet: bitch I'm busy 😏 the juggle is real Hathor: you know I don't say that shit lightly except once in a blue moon, however fine a lad be looking Hathor: but if you don't wanna hear it Sekhmet: is he 🧑🏾🧑🏿 Hathor: 🥛 Hathor: nobody is more surprised than me Sekhmet: 👏🙌 yay Sekhmet: I told you, white boys are the best Sekhmet: they treat us like 👸 Hathor: It's his Irish accent tricking me Hathor: I gotta take a trip back and cure myself Sekhmet: awh, you're homesick, precious Sekhmet: now it makes sense why you wanna tie me down Hathor: can barely understand him he's from so far north, more likely that Sekhmet: throwback 📟 📠 📺 📻 Hathor: get the psych dept to pull their shrink shit on me about it Sekhmet: You wanna be just like Vee, sorted Sekhmet: take my PhD now 💁 Hathor: be more disrespectful! first you stand me up and then put that out there Sekhmet: 🤭 you've got a ways to go, even if you're rolling mad extra today Hathor: I didn't ask 👼🏽💘 to 🎯 me up in the 🍑 Hathor: got my own things I'm busy with Sekhmet: love is magic 💖 Sekhmet: don't be complaining in my inbox when I'm tragically single Hathor: I've been serving and swerving him for long enough I thought I'd succeeded, there's the complaint Sekhmet: 🙄 you can't ❌ feelings bitch Hathor: white boys are a different animal, I ❌ the fear of Sekhmet: 😍😍😍 Hathor: I'm not here to be treated like a 👸🏽 if that's one step away from being called 'exotic' Hathor: there's nothing sexy about a power imbalance Sekhmet: most girls would disagree, babe Sekhmet: why do you wanna be run of the mill every day when we been #blessed with this 🔥 Sekhmet: all black guys wanna chat about is my light-skin privilege and their black man struggles, I can't 🥱 Hathor: fetishization like that ain't foreplay I'm interested in Hathor: 👑 me for other reasons than my melanin Sekhmet: insecurities SNAPPED, I'm sure he likes you for more than your skin, you crazy Hathor: he likes me for how I pour measures rn Sekhmet: racial Sekhmet: that's why everyone likes you 💃💃💃 Hathor: on account of being a poor student not Northern Irish, don't be biting the hand that feeds your blackouts Sekhmet: my white boys always pay Hathor: #blessed innit Sekhmet: 👸😇 tings Hathor: which white boy you with ignoring your deadline then? Sekhmet: whoever it is they've gone to work Sekhmet: but they left a 💳 with their cute note so I know I'm in a good postcode still 🙏 Hathor: so come meet me and spare mine, that's the right thing to do Sekhmet: just 'cos it's good doesn't mean I'm not lost still, damn Sekhmet: hold on and let me get dressed and get my bearings Hathor: if your phone ain't drained I can use it to get your bearings while you serve a look Sekhmet: who doesn't have a charger in their hoe 👜 PLEASE Hathor: you didn't know what day it was, can't blame me for 👶🏽ing Sekhmet: where would I be without you 😘 Sekhmet: mum hasn't phoned me in ages actually, it's so rude Sekhmet: I missed the last few but still Hathor: I hit her with your highlights, creatively Hathor: like how I won't mention a white boy making me feel like a baby 🐮 that can't walk Sekhmet: 😶😶 Sekhmet: dad would 😥 Hathor: and she'll 🙌🏽 harder than you've done Sekhmet: facts are facts Sekhmet: look at her dad, Vee's... Hathor: cliches are tired and stereotypes are damaging Sekhmet: @ your white boy with the 👋 then booboo Sekhmet: I think dad's in town working today, you wanna come for dinner with us? 🥂 Hathor: he's not mine to command in or out 👅 Hathor: yeah 🍾 will help Sekhmet: I'll teach you Hathor: those twin stereotypes are damaging too, like Sekhmet: oh hush, I only tried to 💋 you ONE time and we were like babies and that boy was the first great love of my life Sekhmet: anyway, you're like hot but not my types type these days, you know Hathor: that boy was trash Hathor: you levelled up fast though Sekhmet: awh, don't be rude, I have fond memories Hathor: I have loads of him trying to ask me out at the same time Sekhmet: oh yeah Sekhmet: I forgot that happened Sekhmet: his hair was gorgeous though Hathor: it was Sekhmet: good times Sekhmet: my new guy, not this one, the actual one, looks like old school Leo, I SWEAR Hathor: Yeah? Sekhmet: like Leo and a bit of River and Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions Sekhmet: 🥰🥰🥰 Hathor: love of your life material Sekhmet: definitely Sekhmet: he's a trader in the city and his apartment is 😱😱😱 Hathor: what's the age range this time? Sekhmet: he's only 26, it's mad how successful he is already Hathor: he sounds like the full 🎟 Hathor: any catch? Sekhmet: only technically Hathor: technically he's a 🤖? Sekhmet: ha, he totally has the stamina of one Sekhmet: he can keep up with me, almost 😉 Hathor: 👌🏽 he's perfect Hathor: fucking hell Sekhmet: no need to be jealous when you're 🥰 yourself Sekhmet: what does he look like? Hathor: Tall enough Hathor: more like a 🥊 than a 👼🏻 Sekhmet: you really do wanna do great grandpa Sekhmet: jk, he sounds so you Hathor: he does work for the main brewery that supplies us, maybe I do Hathor: Jesus Christ Sekhmet: 😂😬 processing that Sekhmet: not really though, every boy I've ever dated has been like dad, it's unavoidable tbh 💁 Hathor: in our postcode nobody's trying very hard to be anything else Hathor: ���💳💎🍾 Sekhmet: why would they? Hathor: they wouldn't and they aren't, it'd be terrifying for any of those boys to step out Sekhmet: 🙄 you aren't going to throw yourself down a ladder when you're at the top, babe Hathor: wouldn't kill them to give other people a hand up though, they just act like it Sekhmet: 🥱 when's your deadline? Hathor: my work's done Sekhmet: then button it, loser Sekhmet: you wanna eat out on this nice rich boy's 💳 Hathor: ETA of 15 on getting to you Hathor: you best 🚿 Sekhmet: way ahead of you 🛀 Sekhmet: door's unlocked, our breakfast will hopefully be on the table when you get here Sekhmet: love ubereats Hathor: 🙌🏽 Sekhmet: you can bring it through, the view in this bathroom is immense Sekhmet: thought getting the driver to bring it to the tub was unlikely Hathor: he probably would but it's unlikely I'd recover from walking in on it Sekhmet: 😘 Sekhmet: do fuck with an asian boy Hathor: you don't know he will be Hathor: might not even be a lad Hathor: but if it is, guarantee they'll send the most unexpected one Sekhmet: it usually is, your stereotypes be damned Hathor: what are you gonna bet? Sekhmet: the Belgian 🧇s Hathor: you're on Sekhmet: sometimes you shock me with how green you are, Hath Hathor: back to putting disrespect on me, what a nice truce while it lasted, like Sekhmet: I mean, you know I can see the driver on my app, babe Sekhmet: no points for guessing where Hassan is from Sekhmet: you can have the 🧇s anyway Hathor: you know I can read your thoughts, the playing field is level Hathor: and anyway I like green, that's my boy's eye colour Sekhmet: been gazing into them longingly across the bar have we🤭 Hathor: maybe Sekhmet: so cute Sekhmet: hope this one doesn't have a fiancee Sekhmet: or a maid who thinks we've broken in Hathor: if he does he better break that eye contact with me Sekhmet: I meant Mr Black Card, don't worry Sekhmet: he's a student, yeah? he won't be Hathor: he's only got a year on us, I don't predict an engagement Sekhmet: yeah, doubt it Hathor: outside of our family people aren't usually that extra Sekhmet: some of the asian internationals are but they usually cheat if their intended ain't here yet so Hathor: Yeah Sekhmet: what even does an engagement mean anyway Sekhmet: not much, right Hathor: a flash 💍 Hathor: what's my course teaching me if I don't know the statistics on how often a wedding follows? Hathor: shows how outdated it is Sekhmet: he gives me that anyway Hathor: I'd take a phone number and be happy with it for now Hathor: but it's probably the party and that whole flex too, right? Sekhmet: the dress Sekhmet: but it's irrelevant if it doesn't happen, like you said Hathor: 🎁🎁 even if it doesn't if people bring them for the engagement as well, but you're not going short of any Sekhmet: right Sekhmet: 😥 if you need a wedding for attention Hathor: Jay's birth mum QUAKING Sekhmet: omg I bet that's EXACTLY what his fiancee is like Hathor: does he ever speak about her? Sekhmet: obviously not Sekhmet: but she must never come up from wherever they're from because I'm like ALWAYS over so Hathor: maybe she doesn't know about this place Hathor: old school Sekhmet: Who knows Sekhmet: can't be my problem Hathor: Yours is the day you've missed, like Hathor: what's the assignment? Sekhmet: design some sportswear line Sekhmet: got to get the sketches in by 5, but all I ordered for me was a shit ton of coffee, it'll be fine Hathor: more productive if I stay or go? Sekhmet: you've already missed your date, you may as well stay Hathor: okay Hathor: am the sportier one Sekhmet: how are you 😂 Hathor: ⚽⛹🏽🚴🏽🥊 Hathor: why dad loves me more than you Sekhmet: now I know you're talking nonsense 😏 Hathor: True, he loves Vee and she never gets off her chaise Sekhmet: and she doesn't even love him back Hathor: poor dad Sekhmet: yeah Hathor: what time's dinner with him? Sekhmet: I'll ask him when he wants to go Hathor: about to come up, so whatever you were planning for Hassan, this is me Sekhmet: regrettably noted

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Ava

Grace: you okay babes???! Ava: The furthest from without actually being 💀 Grace: Oh my god what even?! aren't you at that uni thing? Ava: For a few more hours yet, give me strength Ava: Last night was Ava: nah Grace: last night was a sorority girl horror 📽🎞 or like ??? Ava: Allegedly a thing but I've yet to see anyone rocking a skinhead without it being a Choice™ Ava: So, everyone else did go to the 📽🎞 last night but I pulled a sickie 'cos Ava: well, that can do one as a concept but also Ava: Are you sure you even want this? It's a whole saga, like 🙄😫 Grace: duh x 10000 Grace: there's nothing anyone can tell me about mean girls 🔪💔 we can skip 📽🎞 when I've IRL lived it Grace: & obvs! talk to me I'm BEYOND concerned Ava: There are no mean girls Ava: and I think the shit I pulled is beyond a Regina level even Grace: UM no way are you casting yourself 👑 thanks! what happened?! Ava: Sorry but you can try and come for the 👑 after I tell you Ava: So they get current pupils to show you around, do the tour, answer questions, do the whole programme with you, right? Ava: Must be good extra credit or whatever, anyway Ava: There's this guy, and the whole time there's this total...vibe, you know? And I'm not delusional or sad like that, its an actual thing but I know him, know of him Ava: so I know why I should just ignore it, but instead when everyone is out, I DM him Grace: excuse you bitch I'm literally reformed but like putting that ASIDE cos this is so much more IMPORTANT!😱😱 Grace: so are we talking a phoneful of regret or IRL walk of shame? Ava: We talked for a while, so I have literal evidence it wasn't just one-sided but truly do not wanna be that girl but like, I swear Ava: anyway, we did go out, properly and it was Ava: so good Ava: but then he had to go and now I have to die Grace: duh it was 😍😍😍 I know what a vibe means Grace: he has a gf yeah? honey we've ALL done it don't even stress he's obvs not that into her Ava: No its Ava: more complex Ava: there's Ava: well, he's married Ava: but he's not as old as that makes him sound but yeah, clearly quite into her Grace: Ew! What's with everyone getting 💍👰 Grace: if Janis gets proposed to I'm kmsing Grace: it doesn't sound that complex though babes, don't let this family fool you, 💔💍 is such a thing™ Ava: Can't see it myself Ava: they are cute though Ava: of course but I'm not out here doing that myself, that's Buster's bread and butter, not mine Ava: they have kids as well, two Grace: 🙄🤢 Grace: totally but we literally NEVER have to tell her or them that shh Grace: well that explains it 🤰👰💍 he probs doesn't even love her Ava: My lips are sealed Ava: One of them is like...6 or something and the other is a baby so there's like no excuse Ava: It didn't come to anything more than a kiss but I'm mortified Grace: 6? How old is he?! Ava: Again, not as old as that makes him sound Ava: 22 ish, in his last year Grace: THANK GOD! I was literally picturing like a hot 40 Ava: Somehow that would be less complicated Ava: Unless he was a friend of my parents or something but not trying to hit every cliche before I even start Uni Grace: UGH! remember when I went to the fair with that lad who turned out to be 19 & everyone lost it like I was being groomed 🙄 Grace: such a drama Grace: this seriously doesn't sound that bad Grace: either he's bored of her or having his 🍰 & 😋 Grace: who stopped it at 😘😘? Ava: Well, he did turn out to be a creep didn't he Ava: but he could've been a 15 year old creep as easily, I see your point Ava: He did Ava: his phone kept going off Ava: it must've been her Grace: yeah & like I totally worked it out for myself from reading the vibe Grace: same as you last night Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: did he answer? did you literally have to sit there 🤐!!! Ava: I think I might've got the vibe seriously wrong Ava: well, no Ava: I don't know Ava: we were in a club, he couldn't Ava: but we left real quick and he hasn't looked at me today so that's been fun Grace: oh girl please Grace: trust, as someone who has gotten the vibe wrong WAY more times than we need to admit outside of this convo, you so didn't Grace: he's having a freakout, we've ALL been there too, yeah? Ava: Clearly Ava: 😂 Ava: Oh God Ava: I just need to pretend this never happened and peace Grace: come over Grace: we'll go out & make some new drama happen Grace: soon as you do, you'll know if he's bothered Ava: Sounds good Ava: If I didn't have two other Unis to hit before Summer officially starts 🙄 Grace: OMG you're so extra Ava: Rude 😂 Ava: Not as if I can go here now, is it? Ava: I'm burning through options, girl Grace: ILY for it 💜 Grace: did you wanna go there for real? Ava: Not hugely Ava: it was in my top 5 but its definitely not 🥇 Grace: 🤷💅 Grace: it was obvs a 🏆💋 so Ava: seriously Ava: though I'm probably gonna find out that he's made time for every girl on this program Grace: did you pick up on any other vibes? Ava: I don't think so Ava: He did say other girls were flirting with him though Grace: 😂 boys always say that Grace: literally will have been hitting refresh waiting on you 💬 Ava: Or, they really were and that was a subtle dig that I just ignored Ava: 🤡🤡 Grace: ugh don't Grace: nobody's looked hotter the morning after babes Grace: he'd be the 🤡 Ava: Minus the HP🗲 scar Ava: idk where that came from, which doesn't bode well for how trashed I must've been Grace: if he was as wasted maybe he doesn't remember & that's why he blanked you cos everything is Grace: 👋 been there Ava: I wish Ava: like I said, we know each other Grace: do you know his 👰? Ava: 😶 Ava: Just kill me now Grace: has he posted anything? Ava: About how much he 💕 his wife and kids? Ava: Fuck knows Grace: well yeah or idk how wasted he was Grace: anything to go on Ava: His 👰 would not approve Grace: if he doesn't have like a private snap he's no 💔 Ava: Wasn't my first question Ava: Probably does but bit late to ask now Grace: you literally could Grace: cringe but no more cringe than running into him playing happy families when you go get coffee Ava: I'm just gonna leave it Ava: Not a moment too soon Grace: 👌👌💜 Ava: When the alcohol leaves my system my head will be less 🤯 Ava: Standard Grace: his too though Grace: maybe he'll come to you Grace: 🤞 yeah or 🤞 no? Ava: I don't know what I want Ava: or feel about any of it Ava: It's better to just assume nah, a pleasant surprise is always better than disappointment Grace: mhmm Ava: Shut up Ava: I'm confused and hungover, I don't know anything 🙄😏 Grace: no shade Ava: I know Ava: This is too extra Ava: even from me, right Grace: you can wear the 👑 until I earn it back Grace: cos duh who's more extra Grace: me, this hoe Ava: 😂 I'm ready for it Grace: you gotta let me have it there's no 😘💖😍 in my 🔮 Ava: Not even a little? Grace: there was a little but it got too much Grace: too close to being like Grace: I can't Grace: I'm out Ava: I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be, honestly Grace: makes me feel like I'm cracking up Grace: no thanks Ava: Preaching to the converted today Grace: 🙌 Ava: I'll definitely come over some point this Summer though Grace: YAY Grace: I so need you Ava: I think me and the 'rents are going the first two weeks, then I'm going with my friends the last two Ava: so sometime in the middle to play with Grace: ugh if only my mum and dad were organised about anything ever Grace: god knows when or where they'll spring a hol 🙄🙄 Ava: All fun and games Ava: least you get more space these days, I guess Grace: if they're gonna be annoying I'll just bring you with 🤷 Ava: Three holidays would be a record Grace: hot older lad who?! 😂 Grace: Brazil is on another level Ava: If there's sun and sea, I'm happy Grace: you'll be sooo 😊 Ava: 😘 Grace: 💜 Ava: I did not think that would be such a rant Ava: IOU a coffee, I'll ping you the funds rn forreal Grace: As if! like I've NEVER done you that way Grace: shhh Ava: It's done Ava: Consider it a reminder we need a proper catch up when my head is less fried Grace: 👌👌 fine Ava: Don't be mad, it is essential some good happens today Grace: It's fine babes, promise Ava: Good Ava: I better try and finish this essay thing Ava: Or at least make a better start Grace: or at least get yourself a coffee & put some lipstick on Ava: Cheers, I know I look clapped 😂 Grace: shut up Grace: you do not! Ava: I wouldn't wanna chat to me either tbh Grace: Girl, stop Grace: this convo has been wild & I'm living Ava: I meant him, not you 😉 Ava: Only subjected socials to one pic, like Grace: well duh he wants to kiss you again not have a chat Grace: if you wanna talk you'll have to Grace: there's only one kind of convo lads ever start Ava: Hmm Ava: Have better luck with this essay than thinking of something worth saying Grace: what do you wanna say? Grace: like if you could just Ava: Christ Ava: firstly, what the fuck? Grace: he can't shade you for starting there Ava: Though I initiated it so, ugh Grace: he didn't have to go along with any of it Grace: his wife & kids were literally waiting at home for him so Grace: you like deserve to know if there are other girls or not Ava: What's more insane though Ava: asking around every girl on this course, or asking him Ava: There are definite drawbacks either way from where I'm sitting Grace: you said you know him, how much does he lie? Grace: asking him will be more than cringe if you can't believe a word, it'll be pointless Ava: I don't know him like that but Ava: I suppose I've heard that he's a typical lad in most regards so Grace: yeah Ava: but that's from one source so Ava: who's to say they're 100% reliable Grace: right Grace: I'll stalk the other girls, obvs am insane so Ava: No Ava: 'cos then I'll have to tell you who he is Ava: and it'll all get out of hand Grace: OMG do I know him??! Ava: How would you? Ava: 'course not Grace: then why does it matter if you tell me or not? Ava: I'll sort it myself Grace: Ava Grace: is it already out of hand? Ava: That'd depend on who you asked too Grace: I'm asking you Ava: I've got this Grace: promise Ava: 🤞 Grace: 👌

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: [I'm thinking like long enough that Mia and Co can establish a pattern of stalking him shamelessly but not long enough that half the hol is over obviously] Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: have a word to your sister Janis: you're alright Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: bad enough she's always here without leaving half her clothes Janis: what you chatting Jimmy: There's the selective dyslexia Jimmy: sort it out Janis: sort out coming at me like I've got a clue what you're on about if you want solutions Jimmy: fuck's sake, Judith Jimmy: she's coming at me at work Jimmy: they all are Janis: lol where do you work sephora Jimmy: Yeah, that'll be why I knew so much about lipstick when you attacked me with it Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: that sounds like a you problem Janis: her details are NOT hard to find on purpose, like Jimmy: I didn't put in all them fake dating hours to end up where I were Jimmy: or to have a lovely chat with her Janis: what do you expect me to do Janis: if she cared about my feelings she obviously wouldn't be trying to fuck you or get a free makeover Jimmy: not be a dickhead Jimmy: but alright Janis: she's an annoying bitch Janis: my condolences Janis: not news to me Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: give me her shit then, I'll take it home Janis: where do you actually work though Jimmy: Common Grounds Jimmy: [sends her the deets] Janis: alright Janis: I'll be in later, leave it with whoever if you're off Jimmy: 👍 Janis: can't you bar them Jimmy: Top idea to piss off my manager Jimmy: no rich girls Janis: 🙄 Janis: they ain't the only ones about Janis: idk, hide when they come in next time Jimmy: they're the ones most often about Jimmy: tips are well up Jimmy: 🥈 idea to piss off my manager Jimmy: do nowt Janis: I know you don't all need to serve Jimmy: Use your big head Jimmy: they ask for me Janis: 🤢 Janis: she better not be Janis: not that rich Janis: who the fuck does she think she is Jimmy: Mia's the only one allowed to talk Jimmy: keep up with the squad rules, mate Janis: no tah Janis: want me to put in a sneaky complaint Jimmy: I get it, you don't play by them Jimmy: 😈 you Jimmy: why you never 💔 me Janis: ain't been back that long Janis: christ, my holiday too Jimmy: if you wanna just 👻 me, crack on with doing nowt Jimmy: it's working anyway Janis: is it? Janis: 'cos you just said it weren't Jimmy: not with them but my DMs are full of people ❔ & 💔 that I ain't posting about you Janis: there you go Janis: so wanna go with that, caspar? Jimmy: Do you? Janis: Don't make odds to me, I've proved my point, whether that lot wanna listen or not, like you said Janis: everyone else has so Jimmy: more questions if you don't swap me for some other dickhead though Janis: great Janis: I'll attach myself to the nearest prick then Jimmy: If you've got another answer for why you went from 😍😍😍 to 😑 then go with that Jimmy: like you said, ain't been that long Janis: you were way more 😍😍😍 Janis: but sure Janis: ugh, I'll be thinking on this bus then Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: you were Janis: take the compliment Janis: such a good actor Jimmy: Piss off Janis: What? Jimmy: I know you're calling me a drama queen or owt like it Jimmy: an insult up north that Janis: Calm down Billy Elliot Janis: I was saying you fake rocked my world, remember Jimmy: It ain't that kind of cafe like Jimmy: if you want dancers that's up the road Janis: I'm neither coming for you nor the lattes, boy Janis: coming 'cos her idea of flirting is pretending she's braindead and loses all her shit on the reg 🥴🤪 Janis: so appealing, right Jimmy: Good shout, me and every drink are too expensive Jimmy: gotta stay rich, eh? Jimmy: and 'course obvs 🤤🤤 Janis: 😂 Janis: that kind of dancer, are you Janis: left my ones at home Janis: soz Jimmy: a shit one but keep that between me and you Jimmy: it just ain't goals babe Janis: 🤐 Janis: your next gf, real or otherwise, won't hear it from me Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: #whenyourexaintapsycho Jimmy: what's that like? Janis: Poor kid Janis: not you, but 💔 of course Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: getting richer thanks to 💀👑 but still Janis: it feels dirty, no I get it Janis: maybe just be a stripper Jimmy: 👍 Janis: they won't get in Janis: 👶💀 Jimmy: nor would you 💔💔 Janis: 1. I don't wanna see that but keep that between me and you Janis: 2. yes I would Jimmy: Baby please Jimmy: such a liar OMG 😭😭😱😱 Jimmy: reckoned you and WE were better than that 💔🎻💔 Janis: it's called a private show Janis: nothing #goals about paying for it Jimmy: nowt goals about pretending you can get where you can't Janis: you think you can be a stripper fullstop Janis: too twink to be legal, babe Jimmy: You think I can 'cause you're 😍😍😍 Jimmy: I never said it Janis: 😠😠😠 Janis: don't tell me what I think OMG Jimmy: stop thinking about me naked then Janis: pretty sure you have to keep your thong on Janis: this is a Christian country, thank you very much Jimmy: how much have you thought about this? Jimmy: gonna make me 😳 girl Janis: Stripping? Janis: Not much Janis: my lack of tits and all 💔 Jimmy: Me stripping 'cause you'll be suggesting thong colours in a bit Jimmy: and my tits are decent so not a problem Janis: Well, black, obviously Janis: but that's just a given Jimmy: But babe you love pink!! Janis: that's the colour of your skin, it's obscene Jimmy: Have you gone blind? Jimmy: have you been all this time? Janis: no, whiteboy Jimmy: It'd explain the PJs and missing my neck when you went in with your teeth Jimmy: you sure? Janis: What do you mean? Jimmy: What do you mean what do I mean? Janis: I mean both were intentional and you know it Jimmy: admitting I know something? Jimmy: are you alright? Janis: just sick of talking to idiots Janis: if it's all the same to you Jimmy: you ain't gonna wanna come here then Janis: I don't, hence I'm going to the gym first Janis: quite near there, who knew babe Jimmy: Not me Jimmy: 💪 is natural Janis: pah Janis: don't make me actually LOL Jimmy: I carried you, don't make me have to recreate it 'cause you have some kind of memory loss Janis: and I'm skinny, regardless of the complex you wanna give me, pervert Jimmy: don't make you light Jimmy: you're not a 💀 girl Janis: been making you carry her 'round, has she Janis: she's not that rich and you're not that downtrod Janis: there are some rights you've got, like Jimmy: How are you not getting how high maintenance my ex was? Jimmy: you're not my first princess Janis: 💔 Janis: aw I thought I was special Jimmy: I know Jimmy: soz Janis: no worries, just drop the 🏋 on my head Janis: ttfn Jimmy: 👌 Janis: none of them are there rn are they? Jimmy: they left a bit ago Janis: great Janis: I'm not ruining my streak of Grace-free days Jimmy: 🏆💪 Jimmy: I get it Janis: Exactly Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: or nowt baby Janis: Mhmm Jimmy: we're so in sync 💕 Janis: not the worst team Janis: just ask the fans Jimmy: won't be able to when I delete my accounts 💔 better do that Q & A quick like Janis: going 👻? Jimmy: that 💀😭💔 over you, Jill Janis: but actually Jimmy: ? Janis: easiest way to shut 'em up is just to throw 'em a 🦴 yeah Janis: won't be all that taxing to just get a pic whilst I'm picking up her shit Jimmy: The lighting in here is #🔥 Jimmy: and I do know your angles Janis: half the appeal, obviously Janis: give you a solid 35% Janis: the iced coffees a 15% Jimmy: if you order iced coffee I'll dump you myself Jimmy: give a shit what the plan were meant to be Janis: those are their numbers, not mine Janis: I don't even drink coffee, just give you a tip so you don't 😢 Jimmy: I know that, rich girl Jimmy: I'm the dickhead making them Jimmy: no need to give me a tip, give me a like and retweet Janis: 😏 missed me that much yeah Jimmy: you know it 💕 Jimmy: just gotta tell everyone else Janis: 'course Janis: now we're back in civilization, more inclined to do so Jimmy: what you ain't gonna miss holding your phone up in the air like a right knob? Janis: ahh #memories Jimmy: save it they'll 💀 over that Janis: sad that it's true Janis: so popular Jimmy: 😏 yeah you sound 💔 mate Janis: like you don't find it even a tiny bit amusing Jimmy: if it weren't I wouldn't still be bothering Janis: exactly Jimmy: 💀👑 makes me 😂 not soz Jimmy: what's her #obsession with you? Janis: Obvs we've been in a centuries-long battle over the title queen of the undead and she's mad I wear it better Janis: I actually don't know though Janis: mad that I hate my sister more than she does? mad my hair doesn't fall out in clumps? Jimmy: 💀 pact but make it #goals, I get it Jimmy: 🩸 ain't everyone's colour Janis: she ain't got any, anemic cow Janis: not that I'd trust drinking from her, like Jimmy: alright 🤢 ain't anyone's either Janis: 😂 Janis: can only imagine the hilarious shit you've been forced to overhear Jimmy: crack on Janis: heard the general gist plenty of times but assume they're tailoring it towards you which means it's even more cringe than normal Jimmy: Your sister actually mute or? Jimmy: like is it some 🏆💪 with your deaf brother Janis: ha, no, you joking Janis: even he wishes she'd stfu Jimmy: never heard her say owt and I'M obvs 💔💔 Janis: idk then Janis: you probably seem the type that likes introspective, quiet girls #deep Janis: maybe she's giving that a shot Jimmy: 😂😂😂 Jimmy: that's a fucking misread Janis: her specialty Jimmy: where does she reckon I'm from? Up north there ain't no quiet girls Janis: exactly, you poor misunderstood boy 💔💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻🎻 Janis: s'a tragedy, truly Jimmy: Mia probably cut her tongue out for saying black's the new pink Jimmy: that's the real one Jimmy: such an underappreciated colour your fave Janis: Yeah, dead awkward she's done be such a solid Janis: have to say thank you and everything Jimmy: I'll sign it for you Jimmy: know everything I need to if I'm gonna chat to her Janis: 💀👑 her personality revolves around how fast she can get things in and out her mouth Janis: no time or need for chatting, I already told you Jimmy: 😍😍🤤🤤 Jimmy: but that'll be why she's gone deaf, that & the starvation Janis: why's she deaf Jimmy: weren't listening to none of them when she let them say owt Janis: can't blame her Janis: who'd wanna listen to any of 'em Jimmy: oh I dunno the tall one was making some fair points Janis: 😂 about what, whether to paint their nails this shade of beige or this slightly darker shade of beige Janis: still not thrilling Jimmy: about you being a dickhead Jimmy: not a direct quote Jimmy: taken some liberties with it Janis: awh the tall one likes me Janis: maybe I'll let her pick me up and climb up the nearest skyscraper 💕 Jimmy: I don't reckon you get to call her the tall one when you're tall as you are, babe Jimmy: but as dates go, you could do worse Janis: She's gargantuan Janis: you're just short Jimmy: 🦍🏗💕 Jimmy: piss off I ain't short Jimmy: wind your giraffe neck in Janis: 😏 okay lil man Jimmy: I was brought up on 🥧 🥔 and 🚬 what do you want from me, honestly Jimmy: I ain't 💀💀💀 Janis: s'alright, you're not my real boyfriend, normal rules need not apply Jimmy: and you're not my real girlfriend so you don't get to slag me off Janis: I ain't Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: there's in-synch and then there's copying, babe Jimmy: don't start something then Jimmy: I'm up to my actual 👀 in mardy customers Jimmy: no need for you to copy that Janis: well if you're messaging even 2 other bitches rn that's probably why Janis: focus, boy Janis: cappucinos are your passion, you really need the dickhead in the suit to not be late to his meeting Jimmy: 1. what would I need you for if I were? 2. this needs all the focus of you making that sandwich you never after I fake rocked your world Jimmy: 3. Making me laugh is the 🥉 guaranteed idea you've had to piss off my manager Jimmy: 4. Are we going for a 4th 🏆 when you get here or what? Janis: 1. idk your business, I meant bitches = female not as in actual cunts 2. how 'bout you make me a panini, babe Janis: 3. they sound like a party are they at least daddy Janis: 4. what did you have in mind because I've strangely not come out in my PJs Jimmy: 1. only so much 🐕 training I've got time for Jimmy: 2. 💰💰 first Jimmy: 3. nah but my dad saw your 👂 handiwork and he's blooding raring to 💍👰 Jimmy: 4. Will it even be the same without them? 😱😭💔 Janis: 1. your dog sounds #problematic you mention it a lot just call me sherlock Janis: 2. golddigger Janis: 3. but I am gonna bae your da so fair's fair Janis: 4. it was just about the soft cotton 💔 soz everyone, can't go on Jimmy: 1. sounds it 'cause she is 👏 Jimmy: 2. starving artist Jimmy: 3. so fair you 💕 Jimmy: 4. obviously Janis: Poor baby, don't they let you eat the leftovers and sendbacks? Janis: That's criminal Jimmy: They do but I'm all about a sob story me Jimmy: white lies ain't criminal though so Janis: Noted Janis: full soap opera when I come through Jimmy: full orchestra an' all Jimmy: 🎻🎻 play on Janis: sure thing Janis: after I've slapped you, told you you are the dad, then you ain't and then tell you I'm 💀💀💀 so still look after it bye Jimmy: looking forward to it Janis: obviously Janis: perv Jimmy: you Janis: be pretty satisfying to smack you one but I wouldn't go that far Jimmy: save it for our fake break up, my dear Janis: spoilsport Jimmy: I do hate P.E but I wouldn't go that far, mate Janis: sucha 🤓 Jimmy: *😎 Janis: bet they ain't part of your uniform Janis: gutting Jimmy: such a #rebel an' all though 😈 Janis: with or without a cause though? Jimmy: It's that you only wear PJs Jimmy: the hill I'm gonna die on Janis: 😂 Janis: alright, start a # Jimmy: alright, hang on Jimmy: [does cos he's a nerd] Janis: brilliant Janis: cue the DMs asking to see, like Jimmy: Mr Lucas is gonna let you wear them to school like Jimmy: you're welcome Janis: looking to have a heart attack to get that early but not really pension Janis: 👀 you sir Jimmy: and he'll be seeing loads of you Janis: shut up Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: I know I'm good but making you voming on me #goals Jimmy: I dunno Janis: #goals for a very specific group of gals but probably not otherwise so 🤫 Jimmy: don't reckon you can use #goals and them in the same sentence, Joanne Jimmy: challenge too far Janis: true Janis: right, lemme hit the showers then I can be there Jimmy: tah for that Jimmy: 👃 before 👀 weren't part of the plan Janis: piss off I'm not a skank Jimmy: admitting you faked your work out Jimmy: well committed you Janis: no, admitting I ain't gonna leave the gym after without washing Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: leave me alone so I can do it in peace Janis: or I'll never get there Jimmy: Glad I don't need to talk you through it Janis: thanks, left my blindfold at home Janis: dickhead Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: you should wear that all the time an' all it was a #look Janis: no thanks Janis: fake trust will only get us so far Jimmy: only so many fake injuries I can nurse Jimmy: 😇 of 💀 weren't the pact Janis: 💔 Janis: suited you Jimmy: white's my colour Jimmy: why I'm staying pure til 👰 Janis: not if I've got anything to do with it Janis: which I already have so shh Jimmy: If anyone asks I'm filthy, gotcha Janis: you can be a bit more vague Janis: not gotta hoe it up, be fit and mysterious, like Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: been that since I got here Janis: you ain't a part-timer, I get it Jimmy: not with this job and the one I'm being paid for Janis: hot Jimmy: I know Jimmy: ☕ machine burns to prove it babe Janis: so brave too Janis: wow 😍😩🤤 Jimmy: stop flirting with me Jimmy: cold 🚿 Jimmy: we've got work to do Janis: 👌 Janis: even though it's so sexy when you get serious Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I ain't even started Jimmy: wait til I get my 📷 out, girl Janis: umm Jimmy: You scare easy, I remember Jimmy: it'll be alright Janis: 😑 stop saying that Janis: I ain't scared of a flash Jimmy: no need, I know what I'm doing Janis: you better Janis: good thing I can roll with the punches 'cos you're not exactly clueing me in Jimmy: You're in good hands baby Jimmy: nowt else to say Janis: I guess not Janis: in a bit then Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [showing up but outside] Janis: you want me to come in or what Jimmy: Do you wanna? Jimmy: I'm due a break Janis: not gonna cockblock your work romances unnecessarily Janis: come out then Jimmy: They'd only have to check my socials to see how 😍😍 we are Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: [comes out and immediately lights a 🚬 obvs] Janis: people love cheating, only point of having a 9-5, #amiright Janis: [just like hey but not with words obvs] Jimmy: [doesn't answer her typed message because not that type of boy and also #triggered but offers her a 🚬 in greeting] Janis: [picking up such a casual habit lmao like how he never asked if she smokes and she just went with it] Jimmy: [bit rude actually boy but fair assumption cos she wasn't like OMG NO GROSS haha] Jimmy: [when you really need that 🚬 but also you don't have long if you're gonna stage a casual #reunion photoshoot oh the awks] Janis: [least they can take photos as he does 'cos that #badboy rep honey] Jimmy: [hopefully it'll turn at least a few of the 🚭 brigade off] Janis: [you can dream boy but we know you look good fight me, let her put up the pics as her casual #comeback 'sorted'] Jimmy: [he looks hot as hell doing it and we've seen the proof honey, don't even need to discuss at this point how needlessly hard they are going at this for the #fans and not cos they've missed each other nope] Janis: ['course not, like there's every need to be so PDA, mhmm] Jimmy: [cos clearly every real couple is this extra and it's not as if Grace has already called you out or anything] Janis: [soz they need their flimsy excuses lads] Jimmy: [soz you're all jealous] Janis: ['what she even leave anyway?'] Jimmy: ['what hasn't she?' exaggeration but not by much] Janis: [🙄 'what the fuck'] Jimmy: [does a gun finger and puts it to her head & then his because honestly] Janis: [sticks her tongue out and closes her eyes like a nerd but shakes her head like] Jimmy: [when you can't help a little genuine smile cos she cute] Janis: [just like what but not mad] Jimmy: [just looking at her like ?? even though you know what boy] Janis: [pushing his arm but again not aggressive like lol] Jimmy: [when you stop her by holding onto hers but in the most flirty way ever cos obviously bye] Janis: [just raising her eyebrows like really] Jimmy: [doing it back, oh boy be careful if you think you're challenging her rn] Janis: [just maintaining that eye contact for the longest they've probably ever 'your fag break ain't long enough, boy'] Jimmy: ['never is'] Janis: [makes heart with her hands then breaks it 'imagine if you didn't smoke then' 'cos true you get more breaks if you do by default hence they try and crack down on it] Jimmy: [mimes playing that violin 'why you trying to give me suicidal thoughts?'] Janis: [points finger gun back at his head then does a shrug 'not now?'] Jimmy: ['imagine if you had to work for your money, rich girl' shrugs back 'least wait until school starts, get on their roof and let the crowd form, like'] Janis: [gasps dramatically and clutches her chest like how dare you even think it 😏 nods 'sure, you wanna see how many you can take out with you, very white boy of you'] Jimmy: [😏 'more fun when you're in the mood too' and a look cos we know he doesn't mean a 💀 mood lads and nods like yep knew you'd appreciate that] Janis: [tuts like she's so unamused sure ok but you be looking back and not moving even though you could get the stuff and be on your way] Jimmy: [shakes his head in an amused way] Janis: [when you brb to go in for a piss/to be nosy and end up talking to pete like hey boy for the first time why not] Jimmy: [when I make him come back in just in time to see that just so he can be jealous for the first time lol] Janis: [we're so mean but it's real sow the seeds, just like oh hey gimme her crap then] Jimmy: [when you basically throw it at her cos you're 😒] Janis: [when you're obvs ?! at the change in mood but like alright then go with that 'cos what else can you like laters lads] Jimmy: [aggressively makes lattes while watching her go like this is fine] Janis: [lmao poor clueless pete like this is a weird vibe] Jimmy: [god bless that sweet sweet boy] Janis: any point besides 'leave me the fuck alone' you need me to get across to her? Jimmy: is there any point in telling her someone'll nick it next time if she just buy more shit? Jimmy: *can Jimmy: putting the possibility of a shopping spree in her head probably only encourage her Janis: 🔨🔩 on the head, like Janis: any excuse Janis: might turn her all Winona and is there any less endearing rich girl stereotype Janis: she struggles enough as is 💔 Jimmy: 🔨🔩 in the head, like 🤞 Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Janis: god I wish they were still giving out lobotomies like they were last season's prada, honey Jimmy: don't reckon I can fake being a nurse hard enough to sign off on that Jimmy: soz Janis: no oscar for you then Janis: and I thought you were convincing for a sec there Jimmy: put your PJs back on and maybe it'll inspire me Janis: if that was a factor you'd have been more inspired Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I was 🥇 Janis: saying I weren't, please Jimmy: you can have 🥈 Janis: piss off Janis: I put in more graft than you Jimmy: Bollocks, you were lying there 'injured' Janis: Your fault Jimmy: and I had to apologise like some kind of dickhead Jimmy: where's yours for being one? Janis: again, YOUR idea to go do it so shut up Janis: matters is it worked Janis: they've been crying about it since, like Jimmy: Me an' all Jimmy: having to 😘 you has that effect Janis: Pussy Jimmy: That why you're so into it? Janis: that's why I'm the better actor and you should try harder Jimmy: every new comment disagrees with you, mate Jimmy: 🏆 and 👑 me Janis: Not really a brag if they can tell how not into you I am, is it Janis: idiot Jimmy: The whole plan is that you 💔 me not 💍👰 Jimmy: idiot Janis: sympathy sex is your thing Janis: gross Jimmy: Dunno, not had any yet Jimmy: fact is I've got the harder job being 💕😍 that's why I'm 🥇 and you ain't Janis: you changed the plan back Janis: stop pissing about Janis: and the fact is that's a matter of opinion and no one has a higher opinion of you than you Jimmy: Me? You came here and you said we just give everyone more of what they want Jimmy: it's starting to sound like it's what you want and you've got that high opinion of me Janis: I'm not even entertaining that level of narcissism and bullshit Janis: because YOU were complaining so much and asking ME to do something about it Janis: but easy, I will tonight Janis: 💔 hit harder with the tease of a reunion Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Sorted then Janis: actually this time Jimmy: if you stop pissing about, yeah Janis: You're a joke, mate Jimmy: Glad you're 😂 'cause I ain't Janis: go 😢 some more Janis: good practice Jimmy: No need, I'm the 🥇 one Janis: at being a little bitch 💔 Janis: take it, I'm good Jimmy: That's my role, can't change it now, you'll get even mardier Janis: No shit, you had your fucking chance Janis: this is the narrative you want, hope it's everything you dreamed of Jimmy: Tah Janis: 💕 Janis: Bye Jimmy: 😘 Jimmy: [literally showing up like a 👻 from the shadows to pull her away from that fuckboy before anything can happen okay] Janis: [when you can barely wait to be like 'what the fuck' 'cos you're that mad like better not be no smokers outside 'cos casually running out] Jimmy: [when you're just looking at her like DON'T DO THIS oh honey you're gonna have to use your words] Janis: [like the level of exasperated cannot be overstated in this moment 'what the fuck' but 🔊 and with more feeling] Jimmy: [When you're gonna type it and pretend like it's cos you don't want peeps to hear but really it's cos you can't look at her rn without showing more than you're ready to] Jimmy: You're right Jimmy: it ain't gonna work Jimmy: they'll just throw themselves at me harder Janis: [the awkward moments when she ain't getting her phone out so is just like fuck you then and ready to walk off before she checks without thinking 'cos habit] Janis: yeah well Janis: why should I make that my problem now Jimmy: [shrugs] Jimmy: [but then just when she'd be about ready to fuck off is like 'I fucked up, I get it' softly and also with feeling] Janis: ['just-' pausing to think how to word this so she doesn't go off off but also so he get its 'cos can't do this again tah 'it ain't gonna fucking work if you don't admit you need it to too, I don't even need to know all your fucking reasons, but you clearly have them and so do it so own it. I'm not making you do shit and I won't do shit for you, even if it'd benefit me, yeah, if you're gonna take the piss like that' breathes out and folds her arms like there, done] Janis: I,* Jimmy: ['Alright' unfolds her arms really gently so it's not in a pisstaking way 'I said I get it'] Janis: [is 😠😟 but eventually does a nod like alright 'can I have a cigarette'] Jimmy: [nods too because #always and of course lights it for her and then one for him because needed] Janis: [just smoking in silence but jogging her legs up and down 'cos the casual pent up mess of emotions that ain't coming out tonight honey] Jimmy: So what did I miss? Have I gotta smack that dickhead or what? Janis: [shakes her head 'no one saw anything' nothing happened but point is don't owe him that info] Jimmy: [nods like oh good but we know it's cos he's a jealous mofo and is glad] Janis: who's socials did you have to stalk to get here Janis: 💀👑? Jimmy: I'm CONSTANTLY refreshing her feed ALWAYS babe Jimmy: the work did itself Janis: gutted for you she weren't on the trip Janis: the 💕 story would've written itself Jimmy: I've had my cry about it, it's alright Janis: probably for the best Janis: always competition at parties Janis: idk how welcome you'd be in the 'men are trash' bathroom sob sesh Jimmy: hang on, I'll go find out Jimmy: [doesn't actually move] Janis: [shaking her head but with less anger by now] Janis: not just from the girls, either Janis: [flashes her phone at him of Harry being whiny like come back where u at] Jimmy: [can't stop himself from being 😒 thank god that's his default expression lol] Jimmy: [takes her phone and deletes the messages like a sassy little bitch] Janis: [does fake cry] Janis: wow, they meant so much to me, how could you Janis: [but is like half-smile/smirk so he knows she ain't gonna be the one to start that up again so soon lmao] Jimmy: [puts his arm around her like he's fake comforting her but we know it real] Jimmy: you're in the right place to drown your sorrows Jimmy: come on Jimmy: [moves like he's gonna go inside but waits for her] Janis: [swipes at him like get off but instead moves his arm so it's around her waist so they can walk in like mat as well start now] Jimmy: [when you're buzzing about it but you can pretend its fake so its fine] Janis: better get that drink for me, babe Jimmy: You better come with 'cause you can't bear to be apart from me 💕 Janis: 🙄 Janis: [but actually 😏] Janis: I guess we are that couple rn Jimmy: No need to take a poll but can do Jimmy: [😏 too] Janis: 🤓 Janis: knew it Janis: got WAY too angry when I slated maths Jimmy: Oh please, Northerners can't even read or write, everybody knows that Janis: Can drink though, yeah? Janis: Try to keep up Janis: [goes in to make point like 'Slainte'] Jimmy: [obviously downs whatever drink to make his point that yeah he can] Janis: [get drunk kiddos, that's not risky AT ALL for yous; at least Harry is the type to see she's got a mans and just be smug like aw yeah she still wanted me, hit you up later babe wink wink, so don't need to brawl the idiot necessarily Jimothy but no one would be that mad if you two had to make a scene to show she don't want you boy bye] Jimmy: [what an absolute smug prick how bloody real but yeah Jimmy should totally use that excuse to be extra because obvs wants to smack him and is jealous af that something might have happened] Janis: [we know it's the typical shit party gotta make it fun somehow] Jimmy: [literally and the only other 'excuse' they need are that Mia and Co are also there so] Janis: [imagine how 😏 they'd have been when she turned up just her and how 😒 when he shows up to meet her lmao] Jimmy: [sucks to suck gals] Janis: [chin chin] Jimmy: what did you eat? You taste like Jimmy: [when you trail off so she don't know if its a compliment or an insult but we do] Janis: don't be ridiculous Janis: don't eat the day before a party Janis: rule #22, like Jimmy: you don't play by or keep up with their rules Jimmy: unless it has been that long Jimmy: did you get to the top of the lobotomy waiting list then? Janis: [shrugs like maybe, boy 😏] Janis: you snooze, I lose a good chunk of my frontal lobe Jimmy: [shrugs back] Jimmy: ah well, give me an easier life that Janis: 🤞 me and all Janis: or I'll have to sue, yeah Janis: #richgirltingz Jimmy: [shakes his head like he's so #overit but is 😏] Jimmy: how much 💸💸💸 were that outfit? Janis: well idk, if I say a months worth of tips is that impressive or nah Janis: 💔 poor boy Jimmy: Depends Jimmy: You mean my tips or the other dickheads that work there? Janis: depends who's the favourite, of course Jimmy: you don't need your frontal lobe to work that one out Janis: alright, dickhead Janis: glad they're compensating you for your time Jimmy: [nods over to where Mia is 👀🔪 at them] Jimmy: didn't 👑🏆 myself Janis: [waves like hey babes and gestures like 'come over' 'cos she obvs won't] Janis: got it's perks then Jimmy: I draw the line at a fake threesome Janis: [snorts and makes a face like desgustang] Janis: I reckon she's had enough she'd know the difference Jimmy: I get it, she keeps it #real yeah? 😎😎😎 Janis: 🤤🤤🤤 on that in your own time Jimmy: don't reckon I can Jimmy: if anyone asks the 😍😍😍 are all yours Janis: 👌 Janis: better move outta their line of sight so there's no confusion Janis: [head to the kitchen] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [get more drinks down you, what could go wrong kids] Janis: [dickhead should be in here 'cos can't go anywhere lads] Janis: [downing that drink like] Jimmy: [likewise because fuming] Janis: [fun and games] Janis: this is so dry Janis: you been to an actual decent party here yet? Jimmy: Have you? Jimmy: [cos that's the tea they're never decent] Janis: [😏 like fairplay] Jimmy: [making himself comfortable in that kitchen rn downing drinks (which isn't a bad idea oh no) cos that fuckboy has gotta leave first can't show weakness] Janis: took the challenge to heart, mate Janis: [keeping up which ain't gonna come back to haunt ya] Jimmy: accepted it Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: drink to that Jimmy: [cue to down another drink of course] Janis: you live far from here? Janis: if I'm gonna have to carry you, like Jimmy: you have your 💪 cut out same time as your 🧠? Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: 🖕 Janis: you're just so big Jimmy: send that tweet anytime you fancy Janis: [does] Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: any excuse to reply with how well hard I am an' all Jimmy: [does] Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 😂 Janis: such an idiot Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: 💕 my idiot Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: this song is the worst Janis: gonna go change it Janis: [to the living room girl] Jimmy: [when you pull her back for a sec so you can kiss her 'goodbye' dramatically for your audience] Janis: miss u already bb Jimmy: obvs Janis: [assume she puts something decent on lol] Janis: don't get lost Jimmy: [comes back through carrying drinks, gives her one and knocks his against it as if he approves of the song choice but actually like I didn't get lost well done me and kisses her again for the #reunited mood] Janis: [going harder this time 'cos you can pretend it's 'cos Mia and co are in this room] Jimmy: [lowkey picking her up (but in the way she's still standing her feet are just off the floor) whilst because you ain't forgot what she said about carrying you] Janis: [when you whisper something pisstake-y about how strong he is in his ear for the look of the thing] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: ['just how bad are you at dancing then?' still in his 👂] Jimmy: ['How good are you?' in hers because he means that he needs all the help he can get but he also means he wants to see that, we know] Janis: [nods, 'just let me do the work' 'cos lbr dudes can get away with that if the girl is decent, leading him to where peeps are dancing so they can get lost in the crowd a bit but we know bitches be 👀] Jimmy: [Save him Janis we gotta keep this #goals but least the way he'd be feeling it would be so] Janis: [we all know it would be regardless like more than they be anticipating] Jimmy: [100% because that chemistry 5ever] Janis: [lowkey 😳 but it'd be literally hot in there so you're safe] Jimmy: [the constant 🐘 in the room of how into each other you are in ways that you literally can't fake, okay lads] Janis: [gonna have to break this up somehow] Jimmy: [someone could easily spill a drink on one of them by being a drunken dickhead cos always happens] Janis: [take that one for the team, then he can 'pretend' to be all gentlemanly and help] Jimmy: [close to a cold shower as you're getting rn, so offended on her behalf though cos her outfit is 🔥] Janis: [honestly rude, get another drink whilst you clean up in the bathroom] Janis: fucking hate parties Jimmy: [ooh if it's a lad he can kick off because never got to with Harry and he's got those pent up emotions] Jimmy: we can go Janis: [totally, she ain't gonna stop him, not that 'he's not worth it' type of bitch lol] Janis: not 'til the drink runs dry Janis: shits free, think on Jimmy: alright, pisshead Janis: what's the matter, not feeling 🥇 no more? Jimmy: [joins her in the bathroom to clean up the 🩸 from going too hard on some poor random which is an answer in itself cos obvs won] Janis: [trying to look unphased with almost total success but you catch his eye in the mirror, pass him a towel to fuck up soz whoever's gaff this is they do not care] Jimmy: [checking her out in the mirror too anyway because let's assume she's hitting that cliche where you gotta remove your top to clean it in the sink] Jimmy: [so glad you two are alone in a confined space rn yep] Janis: ['course, just be semi-clothes nbd you know each other like that mhmm] Jimmy: [don't think about what a pro he'd be at getting blood out #thanksIan] Janis: ['not got us kicked out? must be popular'] Jimmy: [shrugs] Janis: [turn 'round so she's actually looking at him, not via the mirror, assesses the damage gently and nods 'you'll survive'] Jimmy: ['weren't nowt but a little scrap, he might an' all'] Janis: ['outfit weren't that pricey, like' just casually still holding his face like bitch you done checking 'we can actually go now, if you wanna..'] Jimmy: [shamelessly looks her up and down 'reckon we can keep that between me and you' WHEN YOU'RE JUST SAYING SHE LOOKS GOOD AS HELL BYE] Janis: ['we could do that too' just gotta hold that eye contact and take a lil step towards him like challenge accepted] Jimmy: [when you only break the eye contact to stare at her lips #goodideaboynotdangerousatall] Janis: ['go rob me a top or we can't go anywhere' when your tone makes it sound like that's an option too tho] Jimmy: [gives her his like walking around topless is an option for him either] Jimmy: [we all know you want to just so she has to give him lovebites on all that bare skin mhmmm I see you boy] Janis: [lols but shamelessly checking him out too now nothing to lose yeah lads 'so chivalrous, you' and you know the others have faded now, checking for them too like this will never do 'so you reckon you could take a few more bruises for me then?'] Jimmy: ['Death pact's tomorrow' like she's gonna freeze it's April not December boyyy but we know meant to be a nod to how hungover they might be if they keep drinking so hard ha and also him saying he'll live/do your worst #notgonnaregretthatohno] Janis: ['won't be in any state to hold you to that, no danger' when you're just scanning his bod plotting where you're gonna do 'em like this is very serious 'don't want 'em to think we've been up here doing nowt, yeah'] Jimmy: [when you're just trying not to die before she's even touched you #mood so you can only shake your head cos can't trust your voice not to betray you rn] Janis: ['got my vampire rep to protect if nothing else' when you done giving reasons why you're about to go in 'cos we all know you just really wanna] Jimmy: ['you earnt that one if nowt else' god's speed Jimothy cos this is gonna be a MOMENT] Janis: [all over that neck and chest down to his stomach 'cos you're 'drunk' (barely) and have no chill, coming back up to his ear to do a throwback one and then being all 'you taste like-' whilst you're there] Jimmy: [RIP him because it feels that good AND you got dragged by your own 'diss' #amazing but of course he has to hit her with a 'what?' every time even if he has to struggle to get the word out] Janis: [just a look like 'you know what' and hoisting yourself up to sit on the sink, expectant, 'you want 'em to think you're as bad a fuck as you are a dancer? better do something this time'] Jimmy: [oh how the tables have turned because a challenge like that is obviously gonna be accepted whenever but now he's gotta go harder than he's ever because the fragile male ego] Janis: [lmao #whoops regret it in the morning lads] Jimmy: [I feel like a thigh lovebite or something to that effect like whatever is clothing feasible but still risque af could be her boob if she's got trousers on idk) is a step too far so therefore he and I must #calm down but actually don't ever] Janis: [no hiding what a moment that is even if she's like 'have fun showing that one off, boy' 😏 after 'cos breathless af still, someone is gonna have to boot this door down lowkey or this is gonna get so far beyond what can be for the 'audience'] Jimmy: [makes me die like WHO'S looking that closely not even Mia] Janis: [she wishes] Jimmy: [bahaha] Jimmy: [but yeah take that interruption as the moment to wander topless through the party to 'find her a shirt'] Janis: [oh the scandal, y'all will see that tho, welcome] Jimmy: [the state of them both literally give them that oscar and then get them a room] Janis: [when you ain't about to wait in the bathroom like you're so ashamed 'cos not a mood so just strut out like sup] Jimmy: [imagine being that confident as a 15 year old or ever] Janis: [honestly, your sister gonna be so fuming again] Jimmy: [gotta send him outside to calm down but if anyone asks he just really needs that post hook up 🚬] Janis: [you can go get a drink, bab, for likewise] Jimmy: [lowkey hope Harry is still around to 👀] Janis: [no doubt he is, don't 👀 too much of her tah] Jimmy: [just enough so you know you still ain't wanted boy] Janis: [maybe mean but is real tbh he should hook up with one of grace's friends maybe other skinny bitch 'cos he can't go back alone if Janis ain't, that kinda boy also] Jimmy: [absolutely and Grace could hook up with one of his friends just to make it really incestuous and legit like are you Rio and Buster no, don't need to be going round the houses like that] ] Janis: [he would've probably got with all her mates by the time they get together like oh really grace, this is the boy you 'love' alright] Jimmy: [Yeah unless any of them are really below his standards, kill me tbh] Janis: [lbr, some of them are just filler, like tonight, soz gurl] Janis: if you don't hurry up, think your girl about to get snatched Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Janis: stand corrected, he's gone for the prettier 💀 Jimmy: thank feck for that Jimmy: stopped breathing for a bit then Janis: says you Janis: my gaff is gonna be consolation HQ now 💔😥 Janis: and that'll be the 🚬 Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: it'll be the 🧛💕 Janis: 🙄 Janis: don't talk such a big game, and I'll go easier on you Jimmy: keep it #goals or I'll dump you Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt baby Janis: oh will you Janis: didn't agree to that plan either, tah Jimmy: plans change, mate Jimmy: what else am I doing here, like Janis: 😑 did you listen to me at all, dickhead Janis: got to put it to the committee and then wait 3-5 working days before making any more changes Jimmy: Nah, I were too busy being 😍😍🤤🤤 Janis: Mhmm Janis: not your fault Janis: 🩸 supply only gonna go so far with me, mate Janis: can't expect you to be brains and beauty Jimmy: that your new twitter bio? Janis: try tinder Jimmy: 👍 Janis: a comeback and a tip Janis: use fake name and no headshots, obvs Jimmy: your head is bigger than your tits though, girl Jimmy: might wanna think again Janis: haaa Janis: 🖕 Janis: not everyone's type is your type, trust Jimmy: if I had a type you'd be the last to know Janis: you give yourself away all the time Janis: ain't hard Jimmy: can't be 💕 for anyone else when my 😍 have to be on you Janis: exactly Janis: all the shit you find so 🤢 about me just shows your hand in the opposite Janis: #duh Jimmy: #whenshebelievesowtyousay Jimmy: 💕 Janis: lie about the 😍 Janis: why lie about that? Jimmy: Why tell you the truth? Janis: 🙄 'cos if it's a lie, I know either way Jimmy: bollocks Janis: I ain't stupid Janis: or a lad Janis: know when someone fancies me Jimmy: I'm a stupid lad and me too Jimmy: so what? Janis: so I know you don't, god Jimmy: You don't know or need to know nowt about me Jimmy: been through that Janis: it ain't about you Janis: all about me, obviously Jimmy: Gracie will be thrilled that you wanna twin with her Janis: no doubt Jimmy: crack on Janis: 👌 that's the plan Janis: if you see people running past, this kid's parents are coming back Janis: it's carrying on at Liam R's, if you want to Jimmy: can't Janis: alright Jimmy: if you keep your real 💕 off socials, will be Janis: never said I was going there Janis: so if that's your reason for not, feel free to RSVP Jimmy: never asked if you were Jimmy: got somewhere else to be, tah Janis: makes two of us Janis: na night Jimmy: you not gonna do a proper goodbye? 💔 Jimmy: [so not for the fans and we all know it boy stop] Janis: who for, skeleton gang having their bones jumped literal Jimmy: 'cause they don't have their phones in one hand even with a 🍆 in the other or owt Jimmy: but alright Janis: 😷 Janis: good thing I'm an oscar-winning actress because that's really off-putting Jimmy: come here then Janis: front or back Jimmy: more people out front Janis: sensible Janis: not in such a rush we need to hop the back fence, only his ma and da, not garda Janis: see you there then, I guess Jimmy: 👌 Janis: actually, fuck it Janis: change of plan Janis: do you one better Jimmy: ? Janis: pretend i'm coming back to yours Janis: cover for whatever we're both actually up to, yeah Jimmy: Good thing I'm 🥇 enough to pretend mine is somewhere #goals Janis: someone with a lesser ego nicked your phone or what Janis: is as far as all the girls are concerned, champ, come on Jimmy: I get it, you don't want the competition but my phone ain't worth nicking either Jimmy: soz rich girl Janis: psh Janis: 🥇 Janis: just hoping someone more my type picked it up but sadly Jimmy: stop pissing about and prove it then Jimmy: paparazzi won't be hanging around all night Janis: you underestimate just how chatty those girls are Janis: but won't keep you waiting any longer than you can bear 💕 Janis: [post up] Jimmy: oi rude, I were talking about me in the 1st place Jimmy: number 1 fan, remember Jimmy: [take that last chance to be extra kids we all know you're frustrated af after earlier] Janis: [does camera flash thing with hands like now's your chance] Jimmy: [obvs does take pics of her because she's beautiful and who wouldn't] Janis: [just a casual set of her getting closer then taking his phone from him so they can make out] Jimmy: [#mood] Janis: [gonna break 'em up this time by the kid's parents showing to bollock 'em so they can lol at that before doing a legger] Jimmy: [good idea boo] Janis: [when you're now alone though like walking like well] Jimmy: [when you should just walk off immediately but don't and offer her a 🚬 instead] Janis: [nodding your thanks] Janis: break off before we get to yours but few people coming this way with so Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [when your phone is blowing up 'cos Harry is done with whatserface] Jimmy: [when you're less able to hide how 😒 you are because been drinking and also frustrated af by all the moments and ensuing cockblocking] Janis: [probably keeps trying to facetime her 'cos he's pissed so puts her hand out to stop him for a sec and pulls his top to take a pic of some of the lovebites] Janis: sorry Jimmy: [when you shrug but your face is saying chat to dickheads on your own time] Janis: [shrugs back like i'm getting rid needs must] Jimmy: [shrugs back like well that's what these are for and then takes her phone off her to take better pics cos that art hoe] Janis: [when you roll your eyes and are gonna start taking the piss but then you gotta 'not bad' face at him] Janis: if you wanna take a really artsy dick pic later, I'll be sure to forward it to him Jimmy: Alright Janis: not even gonna accuse me of wanting to 👀 myself? Janis: slacking Jimmy: goes without saying, babe Janis: with how many times I've allegedly seen it, maybe Jimmy: and with how bad you wanna Jimmy: just like all the rest, you Janis: fuck off Janis: say whatever else you like but fuck that Janis: ❄ cunt Janis: you said Jimmy: didn't you deny it? Jimmy: can't remember Janis: regardless Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: Want me to have a word to him? Janis: i can handle him Jimmy: not what I asked Janis: s'all good Janis: he's a twat, but a harmless one Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 'course if he goes public with his thirst then feel free but don't reckon he will Jimmy: if he does he'll have to compete with me and 💀👑 Jimmy: might scrap a 🥉 Janis: if those are my options the death pact starts and ends now Janis: ⚰ bye Jimmy: miss you already Janis: erm, miss Janis: death pact, mate Jimmy: 👻 me Jimmy: ain't fuck all you can do to me Janis: wanna bet Jimmy: wanna take the challenge? Janis: your funeral, baby Jimmy: yours Jimmy: you never had an invite to mine, girl Janis: don't reckon our fam will go for sharing a grave Janis: starcrossed like that Janis: a 🗡in my 💔 Janis: so cold Jimmy: my dad would, it'd be well cheaper Jimmy: til he met you anyway Jimmy: 👀 on your non white corpse Janis: he wants on top of me, it's fine Janis: be a squeeze and an awkward story for the archaeologists but we'll make it work Jimmy: 👍 Janis: as long as I ain't gotta mass grave with my family, give a fuck Janis: bad enough in life, not committing me to an eternity of it thanks Jimmy: Agree with you on that one if you don't get an even bigger head over it Janis: wrong twin Janis: the one who craves approval went thatta way Jimmy: Bollocks, you love a 🏆 Jimmy: call it a win Janis: a 🌹 by any other name, dickhead Janis: not from you Jimmy: 💔 Janis: [shows him a pic Mia has sent being 😏 with some lad in bed, like not showing anything but you get the mood] Janis: wrong number or? Jimmy: 🤢🤢💀💀 Jimmy: 💔 you ain't actually staying now #picforpic Janis: I know, right? Janis: hide the face/colour correct the bitch you are having over? Janis: she'll never know Jimmy: artsy black and white shot is always a #mood Janis: 'course Janis: [silence like you didn't bring it up lol] Jimmy: gonna have to take the risk that she reckons I'm also into bestiality unless you wanna 🐕sit Janis: not your wingman, tah Jimmy: I'll live Janis: dog might not, depends on the breed, sickfuck Jimmy: She's too young, gotta give it a bit Jimmy: keep you updated 💕 Janis: again, no tah Janis: already got enough lads giving me their play by play Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: [does a there, there kinda pat] Janis: [smacks him away] Janis: didn't say I didn't like it, just don't want it from you Jimmy: you ain't getting nowt from me Janis: good Janis: [looks around to make sure the crowd has all filtered out] Janis: ok, this is where I get off Jimmy: In a bit Janis: [👋] Jimmy: [watching her go as standard] Janis: [is going mcvickers 'cos we said it'd be nearish and fuck going home but can't be out at the park on the off-chance someone sees then the cover is blown] Jimmy: [we know he's just going home and why #whenyougottaparentyoursiblings] Janis: [if only they knew lmao] Jimmy: [oh kids]