#but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

[sprite-writes]

Yours (and Ours)

Leonard “Bones” McCoy/Reader (Original Female Character)

Summary: McCoy hated surprises, and being interrupted. Though for the right person, he supposed he could make an exception.

Word Count: 2,214

A/N: Guys im so sorry this chapter took so long LOL sometimes writing is hard but worlds biggest shout out to my beta @lightninginmyeyes who I could not have finished this without <333 also masterlist is coming soon !! anyways enjoy <3 

Breaks were hard to come by in the medical field. Being a doctor was all gas, no breaks. Patients' demands were high, and staff demands were even higher. Most of those in Science Blue spent most of, if not their entire day, on their feet. 

Leonard McCoy, most of all.

Chief Medical Officer was no small feat. Most days he wasn't, just a doctor– he was a nurse, a therapist, a leader, and whatever the hell else was demanded of him. 

Without a doubt, breaks were hard to come by. 

So, on the rare occasion when the medbay breathed for a moment, and he could slip out for an indulgent walk and a much needed cup of coffee, he thanked god for the opportunity. With a loop around the mess hall and a replicated coffee, he felt like a new man. Far too soon, he was back in front of the medbay, strolling in, greeting Chapel with a nod and as much of a smile as he could muster. His head nurse returned the smile…a bit too cheerfully for the day they were having. Leonard elected not to think about it too much. God knows he had enough on his plate. He punched in the keycode to his office, ready to tackle this new bout of paperwork. 

The thing is, McCoy was used to his office being a particular way. He kept his lamp on the left side, his family photo on the right, with a box of tissues and a cup of pens. Everything had its place and was accounted for.

So the box of colored pencils and stack of paper laying atop his things was a fair shock to him. So was the woman sitting at his desk, in his chair, looking very much like she belonged there. 

He faltered for a moment as he took in the sight and gained his bearings. 

“Uh, Sunshine?” he said with bewilderment. He glanced at his watch to double-check that his coffee run hadn’t stretched to the end of his shift (which was impossible anyways) and confirmed she should have been on the bridge by now and certainly not sitting in his office, in his space, amongst his things. 

At the sound of his voice, the woman's head shot up, her focus broken from the papers laid in front of her. 

“Oh hi, Len! I was wondering when you’d be back,” she said casually, like it was routine for her to be there. With no explanation, she returned to the task of, well, whatever she was doing. 

Leonard stood, thoroughly perplexed. It was midday, and he knew for a fact an operations manager would not have nothing to do around this time. From her silence, it would seem that he would be getting no answers unless he asked for them. 

“Not that I’m not happy to see you Sunshine but, uh, aren’t you on shift right now? And how exactly did you get into my office?” he inquired with more patience than he would have offered anyone else. 

She lifted a red colored pencil from the paper and thoughtfully tapped it to her temple 

“Technically, yes, I am on shift, but I decided this is part of my job, and Kirk hurt my feelings earlier this week so he owes me a moment away.” He finally approached the desk and peeked at her handiwork. “And Chapel let me in, by the way – said you wouldn't mind.” 

Her movements slowed to a stop, and she looked up at the doctor with the biggest, prettiest eyes he’d ever seen.

“You don't mind, do you?” she asked. Usually, he would have, but he decided right then, that he did not actually mind at all. 

“I’m more curious as to what this,” he gestured to his now messy desk, “is all about?” 

She beckoned him to come closer, and he found himself sitting in the obligatory guest seat…at his own desk. Sunshine held up a glossy piece of paper, folded in half with blue and pink bubble font across the front reading, ‘Get well soon!’

He stared for a moment, his eyebrows drawing together.

“You’re…writing cards?” 

“Yeah!” she nodded. “For the engineers who got affected by that gas leak. That rash looked… not fun. Thought it might cheer them up, maybe.” 

He would never say it out loud, for fear of losing her friendship forever, but at times like this, Kirk may have had a point about her being a bit…kindergarten teacher. 

She laughed at his sort of scrunched-up expression. “Listen, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right! It's a little silly, but the engineers that were on that dock were all Ensigns! Like, fresh out of Starfleet! They probably miss their families, and now they have a nasty purple rash to worry about. I just thought they might like a card.” 

McCoy could say for certain that he had never met anyone quite like Lieutenant Sunshine - and realized he never would again. This was incredibly kind, and wholly unnecessary… and a very Sunshine thing to do. Though one important question still lingered. 

“And you’re doing this in my office because…?”

She shrugged. 

“Well I could do it in my quarters, but I figured you could use the company.” She paused. Before adding sheepishly, “And I wanted the company.”

McCoy coughed to cover up his surprise. Though, he wasn’t sure what else he was expecting. Sunshine was known for being candid with her feelings. Most of them anyway. His cheeks dusted pink. 

Sunshine, oblivious to her friend's blushing, tossed a colored pencil and a card his way.

 “You should sign this one, by the way. A little birdie told me you yelled at Ensign Barlowe while taking her vitals, and I’m sure she’d appreciate a card from you.” 

He internally damned Scotty, who was not only probably the ‘little birdie’ but also definitely put her up to this. 

He stared down at the card, forcing his head to stop running a mile a minute, and finally mustered a scoff. 

“I’m not signing an apology card because an Ensign couldn’t sit still on the Biobed.” 

Sunshine shook her head and giggled. God, what a sound, he thought. 

“It’s a get well soon card, not an apology card. And I’m not scolding you, Len. That day must have been stressful. I mean, fourteen engineers all turning purple? Crazy. I could never do your job.” 

He shook his head. He was pretty sure Sunshine could do anything she put her mind to. His mind wandered briefly to what it would be like, with her by his side, decked in Science Blue. His heart stuttered at the image. 

He wasn’t sure why, but he found himself scribbling ‘feel better’ onto the bottom of the paper, and tossing it back to her. The smile that bloomed on her face told him it was the right decision. 

He leaned back in the chair and watched her thoughtfully. The sound of her voice played on repeat like a record in his head. He found himself ruminating on every pretty syllable she spoke. 

“Kirk hurt your feelings?” he blurted, remembering how she got here. Sunshine paused, surprised by his suddenness. An unreadable look passed over her frowning face.

“He just said a dumb joke, it’s nothing to worry about. Promise.” Her smile returned, just as quickly as it left. Leonard tilted his head. He was expecting her to launch into a story of which he would hang on every word and that would give him fuel to berate Kirk with later. Just how badly did Kirk fuck up?

“I can practically hear you thinking, you know. You’re such a worrywart.” Her eyes playfully flicked from her cards to him. “Like I said, it’s fine.” 

“You sure? If you’re mad enough, I could schedule him for a measles vaccine. Maybe a booster shot too.” 

Her laugh echoed around his office and illuminated it like a fire. He smiled, finding hers to be contagious. 

“That’s gotta be malpractice, Len. Hard no from me.” She shook her head. 

“Malpractice? I’d be doing him a favor. That man avoids healthcare like it’s the plague.” 

Sunshine rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Doctor.” 

She looked like she belonged, he thought. Sitting in his office, in his chair. He allowed himself a brief moment of peace, as he sipped his coffee and watched her switch colored pencils. He was content to just watch her like this, without conversation or reason. Unfortunately, nothing can last forever. His eyes drifted toward the ticking clock. 

“You know I have to get back to work eventually, right?” Not that he wanted to leave, at all. In fact, if time allowed, and if he didn't know Chapel would be beating down his door soon, he would stay cooped up in his office with her for hours. 

She laughed. “Yeah, I know, CMO. I’m starting my rounds soon too. All I could squeeze from Kirk was 15 minutes down here.” 

Leonard blew a raspberry. 

“I wish I could get 15 minutes away.”

Her head quirked. 

“Don't you have some time? Chapel told me you weren't busy, or else I wouldn't have bothered you.” She paused and received the pointed look from her friend. “Okay, I probably still would have, but with more poise and apologeticness - but that's beside the point!” Sunshine began stacking up her cards and putting away her colored pencils. “Chapel specifically said you weren’t busy when she let me in!” 

The gears in Leonard’s head turned. He was very, very far from not being busy. The Medbay had been as bustling as ever this shift, and the only reason he left in the first place was by Chapel's suggestion, who swore she could handle things for a few minutes. 

Damn it, Chapel. 

“Len? Everything alright?” 

When his eyes pulled from the ground, Sunshine was right in front of him, with a questioning smile. Leonard felt blood rush to his face at their proximity. She smelled like… well, sunshine. And flowers. And just… good.

“Yeah, fine,” he said gruffly. 

“Walk me out?” 

“Of course.” 

He dared to place his hand on the small of her back as he led her out, and if he paid just a little more attention, he would have seen her cheeks redden at the contact. 

They exited in tandem, with Sunshine rambling about wishing rounds were any other day, and how the last thing she wanted to do was run around the ship checking up on complaints that ‘could easily be solved in an email.’ 

“Well,” she said as they reached the entrance. “Thanks for letting me hide in your office for a few.” 

He waved his hand. “Anytime,” he said with lighthearted sarcasm. 

She placed the cards on the reception desk and snorted, “You’ll regret saying that, McCoy.”

He replied, with all sincerity, “I doubt that.” 

They were both quiet for a moment, looking at one another, eyes glossing over with adoration. 

Sunshine had always admired the doctor's strength, and his drive to help others in all circumstances. 

Leonard would forever be in awe of her kindness and her unwavering spirit.

A cleared throat broke both of their gazes. Sunshine flinched, nearly dropping her papers. 

“Chapel! Hi! Thanks for letting me use Len’s office.” She laughed nervously, awkwardly dropping the stack of cards on the desk. “You’ll make sure the engineers get these?”

Chapel glanced between the two knowingly. Both of which now refused to make eye contact. Leonard was suddenly very interested in the linoleum floors and Sunshine in the plain white ceiling. 

“Of course, Lieutenant,” the head nurse said politely. Sunshine thanked her again before acknowledging Leonard. 

“Have a good shift, and, um, see you later!” she blurted before hightailing out of the medbay like it was suffocating her.

The Doctor watched her go with the sudden sinking feeling that he’d done something wrong. And as usual, when these feelings began to well within him, he took them out on whoever was closest, or, in this case, responsible. 

“Really, Chapel?” 

He leaned over the reception desk. 

The woman in question stared at her manicured nails without a care in the world. 

“Really, what, Doctor?” 

Leonard gritted his teeth impossibly hard and blew a long breath out of his nostrils. 

“You didn’t think to, oh I dunno, warn me before letting someone in my office in the middle of the work day?” 

He wasn’t angry at her, not really. He was more frustrated with the feelings that clawed up his chest whenever he heard Sunshine’s laugh or the constant feeling to reach out for her -

No, he wasn’t really mad at Chapel. 

But that wasn’t going to stop him from acting like he was. 

“It’s just Sunshine,” the woman shrugged. “Would you have preferred I turned her away?” She finally met Leonards's eyes with just as much ferocity as he was giving her. 

“No,” he gritted out, “but a warning would be preferable.” 

She rolled her eyes and returned to her work. 

“Just trying to move things along, Doctor.” 

He stomped away before his head nurse could add anything else. 

He returned to his office, palms sweating, and tried not to focus on the smell of her warm, floral perfume now hanging in the air.

[scribl1ta]

thank you for answering! just letting you know that i spent at least half an hour rambling to a friend about how unique your style is and how much i like your art the other day! <3 i'm sure that with time and practice, you'll reach your goal. also, if it doesn't take too much of your time, i wanted to ask about your passion for classics in general...how did it start?

That makes me so happy to hear🥰🥰thank you for the encouragement!!! Here is my answer. It's SUPER personal, not comprehensive, and might change later, this is just what I can think of at the moment:

It started with Knights, I think, but the first text that really impacted me was Plato's Symposium. I was in a fandom where I had seen other people basing their OCs and worldbuilding off of antiquity, so that led me to researching the time period and eventually the literature. The Symposium was the book I needed at that point in my life and I didn't want to read or think about anything else, except maybe Xenophon's Symposium. I also read most of Aristophanes' work and loved it, which is especially demanding as far as linguistic/cultural context. This is EMBARASSING!! but there was a copy of Miles Gloriosus in a classroom I always stayed in after school that I read, and luckily I left that behind before I got online and started posting Plautus selca fanart. I started writing my current project, a tv series set in Roman Athens, so that I could just have an outlet for all my feelings about these texts (it was originally set during classical times, but I changed it once I learned about Hadrian, which is a separate issue I have also addressed on this blog). I think the Satyricon was the first book that captured my imagination so much to the point where it influenced my art, and the reason I eventually started learning Latin. The fact that book is so character-driven appealed to me at that time since most of my art was based on OCs. All of my favorite authors were so funny and full of life, so I wanted to know everything about their world.

There is some additional personal stuff below the cut to read at your own discretion. Thank you again for making me smile today💖

A lot of what I liked about the Symposium was what it meant for me as I was coming into my sexual identity. There was also a quote from William Arrowsmith's intro to Petronius that stuck with me, about sex being "a matter of taste and not morality." We talked about LGBT issues at school, and as soon as I heard the term "bisexual," I knew that's what I had been my entire life, but I never felt comfortable talking with other people about it and I didn't like how identity politics-focused the discourse I was seeing irl and on social media was at the time. It still feels wrong to type, maybe because of some internalized stuff, but also because I hate the idea that people actively think of me AS bisexual and not anything that better represents who I am. Learning about historical approaches to same-sex attraction helped me accept that these things are ultimately personal and I don't owe a declaration or explanation to anybody, which fit with my conception of my self much more than contemporary writing on the same topic. I know people have different experiences and different interpretations of these ideas-- this is just mine.

[grimeysociety]

When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

I feel like I owe an explanation.

I spent most of this year in and out of fandom because I no longer get the joy from it I once did. I used to say "burnout", not knowing it was different for me.

I suspected since late last year that I was autistic. I worked with a girl whose ADHD echoed a lot of my own behaviours. There's a lot of overlap there, but she didn't see herself in some of my traits. I put that aside, thinking, "Nah, I'm not neurodivergent. How could I be?". This was before I learned enough about the female phenotype. It wasn't until my birthday that I had a meltdown after a positive social gathering that I was afraid of my "true" diagnosis.

Turns out it doesn't matter if I have a good time or a bad time. Everything and everyone can become too much. After turning 30, I stewed and sulked about being autistic. The world wasn't made for me, this isn't something I will ever grow out of. I went into to hospital but only got a couple Valium out of it. It was on me to seek out an evaluation, because I'm an adult and those types of services are so few and far between.

I spent months not wanting to name it but knew it wasn't going away. I kept having meltdowns. I kept isolating myself at work because of my off-putting behaviours and attempts to fit in. I was bullied, and when I got pregnant, my differences were even more obvious. I just don't behave normally, period.

I got assessed after waiting three months, after telling my parents and sister my intent to seek a diagnosis. I was about 80% certain it was autism. Either that or I really was just this bad at being a human and I wasn't trying hard enough to get by. This cost $1300 by the way, since I went to private route. My parents said they'd cover this, though my mother still hasn't sent me the money she promised. I was relieved they were supporting me through this at all, since their emotional immaturity made it difficult to share my concerns in the first place.

The report came back that I have ASD. I told my parents, and they've made it about them. Despite me telling them why it shouldn't be a surprise. My dad had said nice things to me about it, only to harass my sister about what she thought on the phone days later. In the same breath, he blamed my mother (Yes! The refrigerator mom theory!) and said he couldn't understand why I didn't just "move on" from things.

So where am I now? Not writing. I can't believe I used to do that so regularly. I only manage a couple things a day. I haven't been enjoying my pregnancy as a result of all this bullshit. I've stopped interacting with anyone online out of chronic shame or shyness. Christmas has come so quickly that I swear it was April last week and I'm not feeling any type of way about it. I think people will be lucky if I manage not to have a meltdown on the 25th.

Executive dysfunction is real. I'll blame that for not writing a word in two months. That and the fact that I've had to learn that I'm disabled the hard way and my entire life has been a fucking lie.

If you've waited for me to reach out, I'm sorry. If you've worried, I'm sorry. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I hope I can slowly piece myself back together in the New Year.

It's not you, it's me.

[formagdalene]

I am almost never late for anything in life. I hate being late. If an event is at 7am, I wake up at 5:30. If a class starts at 8, I'm sitting inside the room at 7:45am. I don't have a specific reason. Despite being a Filipino, I hate the cultural norm of being late. 

Which is why this is odd. 

I'm "late" for everything else in life. There are milestones that my peers have already checked off their lists that I am only checking off mine. From driving a car, learning how to cook, living alone, getting work, getting paid for a job, booking a flight, long drives, and now, going abroad alone. 

And yet I don't really hate it. I say "late" because there is no specific date where we are required to do all these things. Unlike the milestones for a growing child, delaying riding a plane won't result to my inability to communicate or walk at 2 years old.

I turned 26 yesterday and I felt so happy I got through the past few days safely despite all my fears and anxiety. Today, I am sitting in Lien Khuong's airport coffee shop. I am writing this as I wait for the domestic flight that will take me back to Noi Bai Airport, where my flight back home to Manila would hopefully, still be waiting for me. My poor decision making lead me to this clutch situation. Hopefully, this domestic flight won't get delayed more. 

I don't know where to start writing about this trip. I don't really feel like I owe anyone any explanation or narrative.in 

If there was one resonant idea this entire trip, it's this: a third-world country that's only a 3-hour flight away is so much more advanced than the Philippines. 

The food in Vietnam is cheaper compared to my country because their government takes Agriculture seriously. If that feels like an invented concept, you would only need to look below your airplane window and see endless expanses of farmlands after another. You would think the entire country is just that: farmlands. Even Hanoi, the capital city, a metropolis by its own standard, has some scattered farmlands here and there.  

The transport is also cheaper. I heard their government suspended oil tax. A 3km ride in Hanoi costs me P150 more or less, while it will cost me P250 in Manila. Maybe even more if it's in the peak hours. There's a perception of less traffic mostly because the roads aren't congested with cars. It's congested with motorbikes. I don't necessarily like motorbikes? Their transport system isn't as efficient as the ones I've heard of in Bangkok, Seoul or Singapore. But the grab bikes and taxis sure are more affordable than the equivalent at home.

I also noted that they value aesthetic, art and culture so much more than the Philippines. They managed to preserve the old French architecture from when they were colonized. But then, even when they build new buildings it's still the same type of architecture. It reminds me of how buildings in Manila are designed to appease the capitalists: more units, less space per unit, less windows, less expensive materials and therefore, more revenues for them. Who cares if a tall building is erected right behind a national monument, right? Who cares about the architecture?

I know Vietnam is far from perfect. As a communist government, it's not exactly the freedom of democracy the Philippines has. But when I think about it, what good has democracy done for us anyway? 

As the day passed by and I find myself here, in an airport like it's my second home,  I realized something. 

I had stopped obsessing about my future as a doctor.

In fact, if it weren't for the subtle reminders in my group chats about residency, I would have forgotten about it completely. 

The past few days, I wasn't anxious about a duty. I wasn't obsessing over the chapters of Harrison's I haven't read. I'm not thinking of duties. I'm not wearing a scrubs. I am not questioning my competence. I am not worried about the future of doctors in my dying country.

Ironically, though, I was worried about how to order the food I wanted in Vietnamese. I was worried about missing my flight. 

But the burden of worrying about these details feel so privileged. Like…I'm so lucky to be worrying about these kind of things. 

I think I finally understand why people love traveling so much, especially if it's in a different country. 

It makes you forget who you are.

In this new place, I am not a citizen. I do not speak the language. No one knows me. I am not a doctor here. You are only who you believe yourself to be. And there's beauty in anonymity. 

There's beauty and there's also loneliness. Like, when I'm lost, I find myself wishing I was lost with someone. 

But all feeling of loneliness vanishes once I get a slurp of that delicious pho. When I stand in awe in front of a beautiful sight. When I have broken English conversations with people who don't speak my language. 

I can see myself doing this again. Maybe before the year ends. Maybe in Bali. Maybe next year, on my 5-day leave. Maybe I'll go to Israel--or maybe I'll visit Japan, or Korea. I don't know. The possibilities are endless. 

I'm not late. 

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have reached this milestone at the perfect time in my life. And I wouldn't have it any other way.