#but woudl i have been anyway? if i didnt have the appt.

[july-19th-club]

okay. ten thirty am. four thousand words behind schedule. house a mess. maybe seven hours of daylight left. lets fuckin go

[ddontyyoukknow]

6/1/2020 

my head feels light and shaky. ive been overloaded with negativity today i think. it has been a clear downwars spiral all year in many ways. i must remmebr that strength and clarity is found in the darkest moments. i will be free from my dad soon. i am so proud of how far ive made it with my mental health. im truly a warrior. but its just one of those restless nights,,, i had a similar one about a month ago. unable to sleep, had to do a recording on my ohone to let it all out. then talk to teddy on the phone. which meant waking up at 3 bc of the 6 hr time differnce. the main fear being the disc. as i havent broken away from the trauma yet. it comes up so clearly. part of my day to day workis identifying it instead of beliving it, know that pther people are going through things as well, im not the only one being punished- for lack of a better term. tonight, as much as i try and realize that im ok and that i am real just stressed i strated feeling a new kind of weird as i tried to fall asleep- just very dizzy as i try to sleep and restless, unable to shut my brain poff. as i try to sleep ill either feel i cant breath or think im about to fall or my head will feel so off balanced it feels like it is pyhsically moving and due to talks of astral projecting in my youth, im not intersted and decide not to take any chances. its just been a bunch of bangs oyu know? im im trying to be strong but its time to awknowledge all ive been throgh, as im coming up a new type of numb. - growing up with an emotional abusive parent, developing a dissociative disorder that reached its peak at 18 and has been haunting me ever since, leaving me so disoriented at time i woudl truly think i was dead, and what i would feel at that time was beyond fear but it would just make perfect sense. it all made sense for years. until this year when ive decided that i would like to join reality again and am trying to drill into my head that it was all stress and druga dn alchohol use and that it makes sense. that i am healthy for the most part just a traumatized and will get better. i will be 100% confident in my existence one day. my grandfather dying, immigrant dad getting stopped by the police and tight scheduals that merited little sleep, bad eating habits, negative internal dialouge didnt help my cause at all recently. and so im coming up form that now. then the pandemic started and i couldnt belive it, this caused checks to be delayed (more than they already were) which was just an immense cause of stress for everyone . then my mom thought she had cancer- im telling you its been a fucking series of misfortunate events- and had me drive her from hosptial to hospital (to translate/ drive) trying figure out this weird chest pain she was having and her anxiety of dying from this imaginary cancer colminated in her waking up one morning and giving me a ring and telling me i could have it and all her jewlary if "something happend" - she ended up having gallbladder stones, had surgey and is currently recovering amazingly!- during the approx. month of me running around from hosptial to hospital trying to get her better i developed an alarming chest pain followed by a chest pressure. the only reason i know its not only stress induced is becuase of a weird fucking goose cough ive had since december that pairs nicely with the chest pains. i tried to go to the doctor for it a month ago since it was giivn g me immense anxiety but they didnt want to make an appt for me bc the symptoms were too close to covid. i decided to drop it since i couldnt really afford it anyway. - my guesses are the origin for the cough are mainly due to developed infection or asthma due to the remodeling job i work at where im alwyas exposed to fumes and dust- would make snese since i started wokring there in decmeber. i recently got approved for an artist relife grant that will give me enough for my doctor/ therapist so im eternally grateful for that. my little sister watched me going through a dissociative episode, and about a month later told me she was very sad and thinking about dying but- cont 1/2021- I told her not to worry about it that shed be ok. it really did pain me to hear my problems effecting her. but its important to help her as much as possible because although she won't be emotionally abused as my bother and I, she is still genetically predisposed. our paternal grandmother has had panic and anxiety attacks all throughout her life, our uncle had huge anxiety and depression problems in his youth that had him landing at the hospital and had him having exorcisms and almost had him admitted to a mental hospital and our own mother has also expressed experiencing anxiety and depression. me, her sister. being the one who honestly probably is the most informed on the subject as I only had the internet for company for so long. but her own sister, dissociative disorder- dp- panic attacks, dissociative episodes, sensitive to drugs and alcohol, generalized anxiety. not wanting to die,, thinking im DEAD for like 3 years. ive been through the ringer. I more than anyone want to heal and be lucid and be back in my body completely. I more than anyone want to protect her. if she has a sensitive and creative mind as I suspect she does she is already even more likely to develop some sort of anxiety. she's my baby, she's my daughter. very few people I see with such blissful love as I do for her. she is 9. I have plenty of him to prepare to protect her and give her as many tools as I w=can so she can protect herself for when her brain shifts into adolescence. I gave her a mindfulness games book and told her she can read and do one whenever she is feeling sad, because thankfully thats the worst feeling she describes as feeling and probably feels as she's still so young.