#butch loving hours tonight lads and lasses

[lovely-delphine]

There is something honest-to-gods slightly maddening and fantastic about going from relationships that are so deeply focused on sex-as-intimacy and other forms of intimacy being rejected or looked down upon as lower or not as important to…basically the opposite of that. My previous partners were so obsessed with fucking me that they both ended up assaulting me, among other forms of mistreatment.

With my ex-boyfriend, any form of intimacy outside of sex or physical intimacy was ignored, he didn’t care. That relationship didn’t last long for a variety of reasons, though the multiple extremely violent SAs was the main one.

With my ex-wife, it was more complicated. It was like she understood my love languages were things like gift-giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch…but only seemed to focus on the last one because that was the only one that also aligned with her. The only time I ever really felt like she even wanted me around was when physical touch was involved.

With my current girlfriend it feels a bit like the tables are turned completely around. It’s not that physical affection isn’t desired, but it’s not set upon a pedestal as the only form of love or intimacy that can be expressed. Making a cup of tea for one another is a quiet “I love you.” Talking about our interests for quite literally hours is a soft “I adore watching you speak, please don’t stop.” Enjoying a rainstorm side by side is an unspoken “I would not want to be anywhere but here, with you.” Not feeling ashamed to act silly in front of her gives me freedom to be myself rather than a meticulously curated version of myself that I’ve had to put out for partners in the past just for them to even give half of a fuck about me. Giving a thoughtful gift to her and seeing a reaction that elicits so much joy in me I nearly explode makes me feel like the effort I put into finding such a thing was worth that moment of her receiving it. I’ve never had a partner who could make me flustered just by calling me darling or kissing my hand. I’ve never had a partner where every single “I love you” feels real and full of truth, rather than hollow and just something you say to your partner because that’s what you do. Every hand hold and gentle kiss feels incredibly meaningful and special.

And sure, maybe it’s the newness of the relationship and eventually the sparkles and butterflies will settle down and these acts will become more comfortable, but even still I do not think they will lose their meaning because every action she does is with intention, she’s not going to lie or humor me to make me happier. She’s not afraid of letting me know her limits, and I don’t feel afraid to let her know mine. It’s refreshing to have a partner who REALLY understands that intimacy doesn’t only equal physical acts and it shows so fucking much in everything she does and says to me. It’s also a bit mind blowing because I’ve not had a relationship like this. There’s never a feeling like I’m beneath her. Even if I was physically beneath her (😳) I would still feel like I was her equal.

I know it’s bare minimum and sad as shit to be like “wow! A partner that respects me! This is amazing!” But that’s where I’m at. And…I am so thankful for her, for showing me what it is like to be loved right. Thank you, my love(s).