#c: insult first think second ( alina )

[clairecrive]

"it’s been months since we broke up and i just found one of your old sweatshirts in my wardrobe and it’s making me miss you" nikolai x reader with a happy ending pls?

A/n: I can't help myself but give my best man a happy ending, sorry not sorry. Hope you like it x

Warnings: angst, confrontation, happy ending

Word count: 2K

Tags: @jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofshield, @for-bebbanburg, @randomoutsiders, @pansysgirlfriend, @hannaxmaria, @vintagebitc, @story-scribbler, @crowssixof, @odetostep, @lizzie-he4rts, @korol-lantsov, @subjecta13-thefangirl, @gallysonegoodlung, @a-c-lee, @mriddlemethis (tag list form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

A knock on the door in the middle of the night wasn't something you were expecting to happen. Merely because you were not expecting anyone. Even though, to be fair, it wasn't that late. And considering how everyone's so busy these days, with the Darkling threat looming over your heads, everyone is required to put in some work to plan a strategy that will assure our victory. Or at least, to contain the damage that surely the Shadow Summoner had planned to inflict upon those who had betrayed him.

Sleep was a luxury these days, so really, you shouldn't have been surprised by someone calling for you. Sighing, you walked to the door wrapping your robe around your body.

When your eyes fell onto the person behind the door, you froze. Now this, was a surprise.

You definitely weren't expecting your ex-boyfriend to knock on your door in the middle of the night a month after your break up.

"Nikolai?" the surprise was clear in your voice as well as weariness. If he was here that meant that something terrible must have happened.

"Were you sleeping?" he shuffled on his feet. As if seeing at your door after all this time wasn't baffling enough, his insecurity certainly was.

You shook your head. "Has something happened?"

"Yes," he said rolling his shoulders back. You stood taller as well, bracing for the bad news. "it’s been months since we broke up and I just found one of your old sweatshirts in my wardrobe and it’s making me miss you," he added and pulled something from behind his back.

It was your sweatshirt indeed, one of your favourites, certainly the most comfortable one. One that you usually used to sleep but it was also the one that you had left in his rooms. The break-up had been sudden in the sense that it had been a long time in the making but the bubble had broken abruptly, leaving you no time to retrieve your stuff.

Well, you could have gone to him and ask for your things but you had spent the last month trying to avoid him.

"Nikolai-" now your words were tentative, a slight warning in them. There was a reason why things had ended, after all.

"No, please, just hear me out." There was no insecurity in his voice anymore, nor in his body language. You knew the man in front of him, painfully aware of how stubborn he was. And the truth was that you had missed him too. Being so close to him and yet so far away had been one of the hardest things you had to do.

So you relented. With a nod, you let him in your room.

You closed the door and when you turned around you saw him sitting on your bed. You took a couple of step towards him but decided to stand at a safe distance from him. Nikolai's eyes were on you and you shifted on your feet under his gaze.

"What's there left to say?" You spoke since he didn't. His presence was unnerving enough on its own, embarrassing silence wasn't a surplus you needed.

"I'm aware of why we broke up, what you think. But I need you to know that it was a huge misunderstanding." He said, squaring his shoulders.

You scoffed, crossing your arms on your chest. "Really? And you waited a month to clear the air?"

"It wouldn't have been fair to you for me to have this conversation before." He stated as if he was during one of his diplomatic meetings.

"Because all this time, you've still been flirting with her."

"I wouldn't put it like that..." He slightly grimaced, his eyes leaving yours for the first time to move to his hands.

"Courting, wooing, pursuing, whatever Nikolai. I don't care how you'd put it. I don't care about what you do with her either." Gesturing with your hands, you sneered at his audacity. He wasn't going to get out of this on semantics. Nonetheless, it was over and you didn't want to show just how aggravated seeing him with Alina made you. "It's none of my business." You shook your head and moved towards your window, giving him your back.

"Well, maybe you don't care but I do. Maybe what I have to tell you won't change a thing but I need to at least try." He raised his voice, frustration clear in his words for your attitude. But you couldn't care less, you had just started. "Because this past month without you has been hell and I don't want to spend another day without you." His voice trembled a bit at the end and you knew that it wasn't easy for him to be this vulnerable with you.

"Don't tell Alina that." You teased him in a neutral tone. Back still to him.

"Alina doesn't care, y/n. And neither do I."

"Could have me fooled."

"It would have been a political union." Frustrated, he pointed out. You turned around this time, scoffing at the implicit insult.

"That much I had guessed, Nikolai." You weren't stupid. And you knew Nikolai. As soon as the first wave of pain and betrayal passed, you realized that it must have been a strategic move on his part. Not that it made anything better.

"You...did?" He almost stammered, eyes widening in surprise.

"Of course," you sighed, "but it doesn't make anything better. So if this is all you had to say, I'm afraid it doesn't change anything."

"But- it changes everything. I don't love Alina, I never have." He insisted, standing up from the bed and taking a step in your direction.

"You would have still married her though, wouldn't you?" You pointed out with a rhetorical question that he still felt like answering.

"Well, I-"

"And you didn't tell me anything, did you?" You continued this time without giving him time to speak. "So yes, maybe you didn't love her. Maybe you loved me but would that matter once you were married to her?"

"I'll tell you: no it wouldn't have. Because as much as I loved you, I wouldn't have let you made me your mistress. And you and Alina are good friends, I'm sure you'd grow to love her with time." Your voice has hardened, failing at carelessly exposing an eventual love blooming between them. But Nikolai didn't notice. He was still at the second sentence.

"Loved?"He whispered. Past tense.

"Did you expect me to hold a torch forever?" Your voice softened at his reaction but still- you weren't going to be around forever. He had made his choice, after all.

"Of course not," Nikolai mumbled as he sat down on the bed again and looked down at your sweatshirt still in his hands. You couldn't see his face and you knew that it was a deliberate move. Never had you seen him to defeated and crestfallen. His shoulders slumped, his fingers fisted the material in his hands.

Sighing, you closed the distance between you and sat beside him on the bed. Maybe you had been too harsh but it was an instinct for you to be so defensive. Even though his betrayal had hurt you immensely, hurting him back was never your intention.

"I don't think I could ever stop loving you." You whispered. Eyes latched on your fumbling fingers, you heave a sigh. This felt like the confession it was.

"But you can't expect me to be fine just because you explained Nikolai. It doesn't excuse the lies or the betrayal." You continued, wanting him to understand. Now that everything was out in the open, it was best to speak heart to heart.

"Indeed it doesn't. And I'm sorry I've hurt you, it was never my intention." He agreed and apologised but you shook your head. What good was it an apology now? It wasn't a matter of forgiveness anymore. There was now a lack of trust and you didn't know how to handle it.

"How do you think I would have reacted? What if she said yes, uh? What then, Nikolai? Would an "I love you" fix everything?" Speaking no matter the lump of your throat, you turned to face him. His eyes were already on you. They were glossy and one of his hands reached out to yours to hold it.

"I knew she was going to say no. And I knew that it was a low move on my part considering that you're my whole heart but I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't at least try," he confessed. You nodded because you knew how much he cared for Ravka's future and having Alina on the throne would no doubt have a positive impact on all fronts.

"Because having her on the throne would have been advantageous for us, for Ravka. It would benefit us in so many ways that I had to try, at least. No matter the sacrifice." The last word came out as a whisper, his eyes flickering between yours and you understood the underlying message. But that was exactly the problem.

"What hurt me the most, Nikolai was that you made the decision for both of us."

"I'm not a strategist but I understand the power Alina holds. It would have still hurt but if you had told me, it would have been different." You explained as his eyes filled with an emotion that you recognized as regret.

"I'm sorry, y/n. I never wanted you to feel like you don't matter to me. Because you do. You have no idea how much you do. And I love you, I really do." His hold on your hands tightened and you were surprised to see how his lower lip trembled a bit.

"I love you too, Kolya." You confessed, unable to pretend the contrary. "But I don't know where to go from here."

"You don't owe me anything, my sweet. I wanted you to know and now you do. That's more than I deserve." One of his hands came up to caress your cheek as he gave you a small smile. You actually leaned to him, missing the touch, the closeness.

You missed him.

And yes, he had made a mistake. Yes, he had hurt you. But was it to the point of no return? To be fair, you knew that nothing had actually happened between him and Alina besides the proposal. And sure, that was certainly enough on its own but in a way that meant that it hadn't actually cheated.

He had surely betrayed your trust and lied to you. But trust could be regained. And work could be done on your relationships so as not to have these communication problems again.

The question is: were you willing to put yourself through that? Because it was not going to be easy. And there was a chance that it wasn't going to work.

His eyes boring on yours, you hoped to convey your insecurity to him. You knew he loved you. And you dearly loved him too. Maybe you could give him a second chance. If love was there maybe it was worth it to put in the effort to make it work.

Scratch that- it definitely was.

"What about what I deserve?" You whispered as your hands wrapped around his on your face.

"Everything and more, my love." His eyes flickered between yours hopefully. Trying to see if he could find the confirmation in them of what your words implied.

"Well, I think that I deserve a prince." You stated with a small smile.

"Even if he's unworthy of you?" He insisted, raising an eyebrow but mirroring your smile.

"I guess I can give him another chance to prove himself."

"He'd be most grateful, my dear. But I'm afraid he'll never deserve you." His face got closer to yours, nose almost touching. He cradled your face in his hands, his thumb stroking your cheeks.

"Enough with the charming, Kolya, I'm already yours. Come and get me." You chuckled with a roll of your eyes before eagerly tugging him closer to you.

"As you wish." He said before he kissed you. Slowly at first, almost as if he couldn't still believe that it was happening. Then with the hold on your face, he pulled you closer angling your face so as to deepen the kiss.

Your old sweatshirt laid discarded on your bedroom floor. Forgotten for the moment as you caught up on your lost time together.

[lehdenlaulu]

Shadow and Bone: a few gripes

Okay, you know I was pretty impressed with Shadow and Bone, but it would be neither fair nor in character from me to leave you with an impression that I thought there was nothing to improve. So here we go:

First of all, the pacing. Again, I am actually impressed with how well it did hold together for an adaptation of a mashup of two separate books in only eight episodes, but I think we can all agree that it definitely could have used at least an episode of two more to let the scenes and story beats breathe and have time for slightly more organic development. It must not have been an easy task to edit, and unfortunately, the seams are kinda visible at times. There absolutely were things that IMO required more time and attention to set up properly, especially from a non-reader’s point of view, one major thing being... well, the entire setting really, namely the war and politics aspects. For example, I’m still kind of foggy on who originally is fighting who and why and for how long and who exactly performed the coup and in whose name etc. etc. Now I know this is based on an YA book and those don’t tend to dig very deep into the finer points of the realities of military politics, but... it would be nice to understand why are these things even happening, you know?

This is inevitably related to the previous issue, but I also wasn’t always sure if I always bought what the show was trying to sell to me, emotionally, or sometimes even what it was trying to sell me, exactly. I have three specific examples, all with slightly different issues: - Mal and Alina. Too much iron wire, as we say in Finland. Flashbacks and voice overs (letters, diaries, etc.) are, in a cinematic sense, tools of telling instead of showing and should therefore be used with care and caution. Especially in regards to a relationship between characters. And here we had both, repeatedly. And whether that was the idea or not, that sort of tends to come across like you don’t trust a) your audience b) your actors c) the relationship. And none of that is a good thing. So while this is probably not going to endear me to that particular shipper demographic, a couple of those meadow flashbacks less would have sufficed with the time given to developing other storylines etc. You want to lead your audience to something and let them figure it out themselves, not spoon feed it to them. They cute. Trust that. (I mean, if I, a total newbie to the setting, figured out Jesper was a grisha by the second episode and am totally rooting for Genya and David based on like two tiny off-hand scenes... You know?) - This issue is sort of the opposite: Kaz and Inej. I mean, I got that it was supposed to be there, I just wasn’t feeling it. And I don’t know if the issue is the chemistry, the pacing, the writing, the acting or what. But something didn’t connect. Again, I haven’t read the books and from what I’ve gathered that particular dynamic is probably not something that is easy to adapt to screen -- especially with 2 billion different other things going on at a breakneck speed -- but I hope I’ll get more out of Kaz’s character in general next season because he’s the one I feel like I know the least so far. - Kirigan/Morozova/The Darkling/whatever His Murkiness wants to be called in this adaptation. And my issue? I was never sure how I was supposed to feel about him. Now, that might very well be the idea for all I know, but I was honestly kinda left scratching my head about him. I mean, due to the Tumblr osmosis I had some idea what to expect, so my initial reaction was pretty much: “huh, I’d thought he’d be worse”. I’d expected him to like... stalk around like a storm cloud with a literal cloak of shadows billowing in his wake at all times, and be much more of a manipulative/pushy creep with Alina from the start. Instead he just... seemed kinda normal? A bit of a Chessmaster, yeah, but absolutely nothing that wasn’t entirely to be expected from someone in his position. I tried to gauge the appropriate attitude towards him from how other characters treated him, personally and by reputation, like... is he supposed to be a scary badass? Just scary? Just badass? Neither?? Like, he’s the leader of a wizard army and has spooky and unusual powers? He kinda should be a little scary? I mean, I know Ben Barnes (who can easily be considerably more intimidating if he wants to be) wanted to humanize him and they decided to use “The Darkling” as an insult rather than a title, but... When even the grisha-fearing Fjerdans were less “Oh shit, it’s The Darkling, he eats babies for breakfast!” and more “Ugh, it’s that bitch.”... Let’s just say him switching gears to full-on mustache-twirling Disney villain felt pretty jarring, honestly. Especially since, again, I’m still fairly confused about his motivations and goals because the entire backstory to that whole thing was kinda glossed over. So he wants... what? Grisha supremacy via magical weapons of mass destruction? Because he has mommy issues? Because someone killed his girlfriend a couple of centuries ago?? And was that the plan all along or did he just decide to go balls-to-the-wall bonkers when Alina left him? Because right now his goal seems to be more like ‘death to all who oppose me’. And that’s... pretty boring, honestly. If he’s to be our Big Bad, I’d like a bit more nuance -- and that’s not to rag on Ben’s performance or even his choices to play the the character as cutely smitten with Alina, but the way the character is otherwise presented. Once again, I know this is fairytale-ish YA fantasy, but if your source material has a typical garden variety super polarized love triangle (of sorts, anyway), your job is to make it more interesting in adaptation. So while I do commend the fact that they apparently made both of the guys less of douchebags, I feel like the tone should have been adjusted accordingly in other aspects. If that makes sense.

I think that was it, for the most part. I mean I could bitch about technical details or wildly inconsistent pronunciation of names or whatever, but those would just be nitpicking. Tagging at least @the-darkling but everyone please feel free to discuss!

[fanfics-await-you]

Sometimes It Comes Down to a Choice (Part 1)

Pairing: Christopher Pike x Female OC

Takes place some point in the future after the events of the Red Angel

Summary: Alina has always carried a secret flame for her Captain and she's always known that it could never lead anywhere. However, the combination of a party and some drunken words might just make that a little more complicated. The only problem, everything just seems to be going wrong. Who knows, maybe a proper goodbye is just what they need.

Tags: angst, injury, a pair of dumbasses unnecessarily complicating things

Notes: Head Tactical Officer is a made-up position as far as I’m aware, Alina just needed to be high in the chain of command, ya know? also, surely the loading bay is the only place large enough for a party for the whole crew? like, Discovery is a big-ass ship

Word Count: 1,277

masterlist

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

———

“You’re starting to be ridiculous, Captain.”

“First of all, Osborne, I hardly call it ‘ridiculous’. Secondly, most tactical officers refrain from insulting their superiors.”

“Now you’re just avoiding the conversation.”

Pike just rolls his eyes and resumes reading the holopad before him.

“Because that’s any better?…Sir.”

His exasperation is accentuated by a small sigh, “I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.”

“It’s just a party!”

—

I’m not exactly sure who first came up with the idea but the ship was abuzz as soon as whispers of a ‘social gathering’ started. I first heard of it from Tilly, in her usual manner.

“You’ll ask the Captain, won’t you?”

“Hello Tilly.

“Yeah, hi Alina. You’re going to ask about the party? I was talking with the others and we all reckon you’re the best bet because you’re totally Pike’s favourite and if he’s going to say yes to anyone, it’ll-”

I raise my hand to stem the flow of words, “Tilly, I’m going to need to some more context. What party? And I am not the Captain’s favourite, we’re colleagues, and you need to stop saying that, you’re going to get me in trouble.”

“…Sorry. So, someone had the excellent idea to have a party on Discovery! With everything that’s happened, a party is what everyone needs! We’re not at war anymore and most of us didn’t even get a real break between expeditions, so why not have a little fun?”

As a tactician, a party sounds like an unnecessary risk. As an officer, I can see the benefits of giving the crew a break. As a person who has been looking at the world through a paranoid lens for a long time, a respite sounded like paradise.

“…I won’t make any promises, Tilly. It will be totally up to the Captain’s discretion. If he says no, that’s it, we move on.”

The air whooshes out of my lungs as she tackles me into a bear hug, “Ah, you’re the best, Alina! I know you can convince him!”

With a smile, I hug her back and then turn to resume walking. I move to wave my goodbyes but Tilly responds with a wink.

“After all, how can the Captain say no to his favourite!”

“Tilly!”

—

Pike still doesn’t seemed convinced, “Look, I would love for my crew to relax, but surely you of all people understand how this could go wrong.”

Aha, I’d prepared for this.

“Captain, it’ll be no more risky than when the ship’s running in night mode. The computer will be the first line of information and there’ll be a rotating skeleton crew monitoring the situation. Also, Commander Saru has already volunteered to remain sober should a commanding officer be required. Then, worst case scenario is a bunch of hangovers and some embarrassing memories. We have fun, then move on and get on with the job.”

He sighs again but this time I can’t miss the amusement in his eyes. The Captain’s eyes search mine for a moment and I try to ignore the prickling sensation that nosedives along my spine. Finally, his face breaks into a smile that I return before I can even think.

“You’re not going to let me say no, are you Tactical Officer Osborne?” Pike’s tone is joking and gentle in a way that electrifies my heart.

I give a little bow, “Captain, I’m glad you know me so well.”

He laughs quietly and shakes his head a little, reminding just how easily he can mesmerise me. There is something about the way that even soft laughter lights up his eyes which leaves me entranced. I blink and shove the emotions back to the pit of my stomach which is so full of unwanted feelings that it’s bound to overflow any day now. Crap, don’t think about that.

“I’ll oversee everything, Captain. It will be fine.”

Pike takes a moment to respond, “I know…I can always rely on you, Alina.”

I nod and turn abruptly to leave, hopefully hiding the blush rising up my neck.

I can always rely on you, Alina.

Shit.

——

Everything seemed to be running smoothly. I quickly ran through a mental checklist.

I sent a memo to all the heads of the departments, reminding them to keep their people reasonably in line. Some of the ensigns, lead by Tilly, have done their best to make the loading bay look festive. The music is being handled by Owosekun and Detmer, who apparently have a shared passion for the music scene. People seem to be enjoying themselves. I jus-

“I thought everyone was supposed to be taking a break, Osborne.”

I flinch, knocking over a thankfully empty glass, “Captain!”

He rights the cup before responding with a smirk, “Good to know that I have such an effect on you.”

If only you knew.

“I was lost in thought. You surprised me, Captain.”

He sighs in joke exasperation, “Alina, you’re the one who talked about the importance of ‘the intermingling of ranks to dismiss ideas of social supremacy and create a consolidated sense of unity’. I think we can all each other by our first names.”

I had said that, word for word, during some pitch to the other officers. It’s the fact that Pike even remembers the conversation that catches me off-guard.

He mistakes my pause for shyness, “Seriously, I can’t have my officers calling me ‘Captain’ at a party.”

“Of course, Ca-Chris…”

A gentle smile finds his face before he turns to study the crowd. I admire the line of his jaw and imagine running my fingers along its edge before I catch myself.

“So, are you enjoying yourself, C-Chris?”

Chris looks back at me for a moment before returning his gaze to the crowd, “Our crew looks happy and a red alert hasn’t been called; what more could I ask for?”

There’s something incredibly fatigued hiding under his cheery tone that leaves me unsure. As a crew, we treat him as this resolute and invulnerable figure that holds us all up when everything else is falling apart. But…Maybe the captaincy was weighing on him far more than he normally let show. After all, this job leaves its scars on all of us.

“You realise this party is as much for you as it is everyone else? Saru offered to be on call so that you could relax, Chris. Even captains need to take a break sometimes.”

This time, Chris swings around entirely so that we’re face to face. His eyes are puzzled but kind, and his forehead is wrinkled in uncertainty. I feel my hand move as if to smooth the worry from his bow but I quickly catch myself.

I gesture towards the crowd with the offending hand, “C’mon Chris. Go laugh, drink, dance. Your crew cares about you, and we want to see you enjoy yourself.”

I just hope he doesn’t catch how much the ‘we’ sentiment had been meant as an ‘I’.

Chris continues to stare at me, and for a second it seems like something important is going to happen. Then the moment passes and the expression on his face clears. He extends his hand towards me and I give him a look of confusion.

Chris smiles, “I only go if you go.”

I jokingly roll my eyes but step towards him. He swings around to place a strong hand on my shoulder, gently tucking me against him and guiding me towards the crowd. Chris keeps lightly brushing against me while he talks and every touch is setting my nerves on fire.

Why do I get a feeling this is going to be a long night?