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[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 6: Bhishm’s self-choice ceremony

Tagging @avani008, @butchcaroldanvers, @chaanv, @medhasree, @ratnas-musings, @iamnotthat. Anyone else who wants to be tagged, please comment.

Thanks to @avani008 for the reblog with the amaze tags! Thank you, Avani didi!

The episode begins with an elaborate naming ceremony, complete with a ringing hymn. This generation of babies has naming ceremonies, the next one, on the Pandavas’ side, anyway, doesn’t. I don’t really remember the Kauravas, but man, imagine 100 freaking naming ceremonies in the span of a few days. Ouch. I feel pity for the pandits in that case. The part of the precap dealing with Dhritrashtra’s naming plays. Next, it is Pandu who’s named. CANON FAIL. Pandu is not named for the glow on his skin, he’s named for his paleness. When Ved Vyas um, copulates with Ambalika, she turns pale with fear, which is why Pandu is born pale, canonically. Satyavati instructs the Mahamantri to give Dakshina to the Guru. “Rajmata!” Ah, it’s Mr. Paragon of Perfection. Whatever this guy is going to do, please don’t think it’s canon, alright? He has a baby in his hands, clearly, it’s baby Vidur. “The ritual is not complete. The naming of this child is still left.” There’s a woman standing behind Bhishm, I think it’s Vidur’s mama. She’s silent. Satyavati is livid. “But he’s a servant’s…he’s Parashrami’s child.” Apparently, she is too regal to say ‘dasi-putr’ in open court. “He’s not just her child, he is the gift Ved Vyas gave us. He will grow together with the Princes as their younger brother. All three ladies look pissed, like they’d rather be somewhere else, but Bhishm doesn’t give them a choice. Satyavati reluctantly holds Vidur, as the Guru gives the baby his name. (BTW, isn’t honey harmful for babies younger than 6 months?) The ladies still look pissed, but Bhishm is smiling. Camera focuses on Psycho Princess walking through water. Then it switches back to Hastina, where Satyavati is giving daan after the naming ceremony, when she notices Psycho Princess. She has a “Oh, shit, not her again…” expression on her face. Ikr, Satyavati, really. This psycho Princess has a thing of turning up smack dab in the middle of happy events and ruining them, no? First a coronation, then a naming ceremony. Idk how she gets past Hastina’s sentries into the palace. Something is wrong with your sentries, Bhishm, go train them better! Everyone moves away from her (so would I, frankly. She looks crazy, plus like she hasn’t bathed in days, at the very least.) She reaches Satyavati and says that she’s here to give daan to Bhishm. What will he choose? Marriage or death? Wow. I’d choose death, and so shall Bhishm, especially if I’m supposed to marry a psycho who literally wants me to go to hell. Right now, he stands silently, as Satyavati ostentatiously asks psycho “What do you want? We’re still ready to welcome you into the family. Why do you choose this destructive path, instead of the happiness you can have as a member of Kuruvansh?” Okay, this does not happen in canon. By the way, how can she become a member of the family, by marrying a baby who’s her nephew? What the…this makes no sense to me. “What happiness did you give my sisters? The terrible experience of Niyog? An incomplete child?” Good question, also non-canon. Canon Amba never mentions her sisters, so this is kinda a good change. “I am looking forward to the true pleasure of Bhishm’s pride breaking in front of me. My heart is beating in the anticipation of that golden moment.” Alright. Peacock feather makes an entry and I poise my finger over the skip button. It’s yet another sermon on desire and revenge. Skip. Skip. Camera focuses on Bhishm galloping on a horse. He reaches Parashuram, who’s taking a weird spin effect now. Psycho Princess is behind Parashuram. How the heck did she reach there before Bhishm? Bhishm dismounts and moves towards Parashuram. “Stop!” “I wish to touch your feet, Gurudev…” Ah, I’m so getting Arjun vibes here. Okay, I need to stop Arjun fangirling, stat. He doesn’t exist yet. “I need to find out for myself if you are worthy of my blessings. Because the man who blesses a sinner sins himself.” Why am I reminded of Bhishm refusing to bless Arjun in the future after he marries Subhadra? Okay. No, this is not Arjun I need to talk about. Bhishm rather dramatically says that the meaning of his existence is to fall at Parashuram’s feet. Alright, why is this man so very much a drama queen all the time? Even Arjun would not say that, for all that he adored Drona a lot. “As for sinning,” continues Bhishm, “The very fact that you doubt me is enough of a sin for me. If I were not bound with Hastina’s responsibilities, I would have sought death this instant.” Goodness. Faced with this much fawning drama, Parashuram does a volte-face. “When did I say I doubted you, son? However, to settle this maiden’s doubts, I wish to take your test. War with me, Bhishm. If you are following Dharma properly, you will not be defeated by my hand.” “Then, would my Guru be defeated by my hand?” He sounds like he’s gonna cry. No, Nila. Don’t think about Arjun. No. Parashuram scoffs. “A Guru gets victory if he is defeated at a student’s hand. War against me! Just like a small blot dirties a white cloth, similarly, the smallest of complaints can dirty a man’s principles in front of the society. Lift your weapons and destroy the accusations.” Parashuram causes thundering with a hand movement, creating a bow. A fight commences, fireballs moving towards Bhishm as psycho Princess grins psychotically. Bhishm’s arrow explodes the fireballs, turning them into flowers. “Pranaam, Gurudev,” says he. Seriously? Parashuram pushes Bhishm twice, leading to him toppling off a cliff. Parashuram leaps after him, punching him. They land inside water. Don’t ask me how they can breathe in water, let alone run around and do fancy moves, and that too in armor in Bhishm’s case. Parashuram clocks an uppercut, landing Bhishm in a forest. “You are cheating, Bhishm!” “I cannot attack my Guru.” Be still, my heart. The melodrama is too much, I know. “You are disrespecting your Guru. Do you not believe in your Guru’s strength that you will attack and he will be defeated? This Parashuram is not that old yet!” Bhishm unknots his hands as Parashuram throws a tree trunk at him, which Bhishm punches into two. Bhishm tune plays. I repeat, canon is NOT this over dramatic Precap: Ganga is asking Shiv for help because the two warriors, Parashuram and Bhishm have lifted their weapons. Shiva makes a cameo. Camera focuses on a sleeping girl, her room filled with diyas. The diyas flicker out due to wind, making her start awake. “Sukhdha!” she calls.