aqui-vou-escrevendo-e-escrevendo

[natasha-in-space]

The Beginning of the End

Series: 'A Wilted Daffodil' (AO3 link): Ch. 1 (you are here!), Ch. 2;

Characters/pairing: Rika/cmc Chaewon Lee, Jihyun Kim;

Summary: Everyone experiences grief differently. The loss of a loved one can be both debilitating and overwhelming, leaving you with no idea how to continue living without them. Chaewon is familiar with the grieving process of families and loved ones. Unfortunately, working as a nurse comes with the responsibility of bearing witness to some very tragic events. But she never thought she would have to see her own dear friend crushed by a sudden loss nobody has ever seen coming.

CW for: pet loss, grief;

Credits: picrew by wagirain, dividers by @/saradika-graphics.

"-She got run over, Chaewon, she's dead, and it's all my fault. I knew it. I knew I should've listened to Jumin! Why did I ever think that I knew better what she truly needed...? She must've suffered so much... And I couldn't do anything for her, I couldn't save her...!"

Chaewon felt a terrible chill run down her spine as she held the phone up to her ear nimbly. Rika's voice sounded so utterly broken and anguished that she could practically feel her dear friend's breath getting caught in her throat as she stumbled over her words in hysterics. A heavy lump of dread suddenly blocked her airways, taking her voice away from her. She felt her entire body freezing up completely as all that she could do in the moment was just stand there, not knowing what to do or what to say.

Sally meant everything to Rika. Chaewon understood that Sally was not just a beloved dog, she was much more than that. Before herself, RFA, or even Jihyun, Sally was Rika's loyal companion and first source of comfort when she needed it most. She knew that much from the many conversations her and Rika had shared. To lose someone like that... in such a horrendous and abrupt way nonetheless...

Oh God, she was starting to get really scared for Rika now. Who knew what she would do in such a vulnerable state of mind?

She clenched her free hand into a tight fist, her fingernails digging into the skin of her palm, until she had to hold herself back from wincing. At the very least, this enabled her to keep her head above water and avoid complete freeze-up. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she pushed through the paralyzing unease snaking its invisible tendrils around her body and mind, and spoke up, sounding uncharacteristically stuttery and high-pitched for her usual tone of voice. She would feel embarrassed about it, if not for the horrible situation at hand keeping all of her focus away.

"...Rika, listen to me, just- stay on the phone with me, alright? Are you at home? I'm coming right over. Just- Hold on for me, okay? I... I'll be right there. It'll be okay. I promise," Chaewon muttered hurriedly into the phone as she sprinted off from the supply closet she had tucked herself into to take this call as fast as her legs could carry her. Her heart was pounding in her chest with so much force, she was afraid it might just stop beating altogether. And, she couldn't allow that. Not right now. The words she spoke sounded extremely foolish. Of course it won't be okay. It won't ever be okay. But, she didn't know what else to say. She needed time to think, but she didn't have that luxury right now.

So, she ran.

Everything else was lost in the haze of panic, confusion, and frustration. It was probably incredibly reckless and irresponsible of her to just abandon her nursing post like this, especially right at the beginning of her night shift. But she barely gave a single thought about that right now, however selfish it was on her part. Nothing was more important than getting to Rika's side as fast as humanely possible. Before something bad could happen. Before she becomes even more afflicted than she already is, in any way or another. Chaewon was always a self-centered person, in the end. She accepted that. But Rika... Rika gave so much of herself away in order to help others, to make people smile, to give them hope for a better future.

Rika was not even comparable to Chaewon, and consequently, she did not deserve to experience such a terrible loss alone.

It was truly a miracle that she didn't get hit on her way there. Her driving was extremely erratic and dangerous. She won't be at all surprised to find a notification about a fine or two for exceeding the speed limit once this all blows over. Even if she knew, deep down, that it won't. And that was scary to think about. She told herself that she was just panicking, and that's why this harrowing feeling was scratching at her insides like a caged wild animal. The feeling of something going horribly wrong. The feeling of things collapsing and never being the same again.

Chaewon ignored it.

She was able to reach Jihyun's secluded home safely and with her car intact, thanks to pure luck. Feeling relieved wasn't possible for her, however. None of it truly mattered once she saw Rika's small trembling frame sitting all alone at the front porch, her head tucked tightly into her knees, almost like she was trying to curl herself up into the tiniest human ball imaginable. It looked painful. Chaewon was sure her back must have hurt from staying in such an unnatural position. How long had she even been like that? Seeing Rika like this broke her heart. Usually, she'd get greeted by cheerful barking and her friend's soft giggling, as she stepped through the front gate to usher her inside for a cup of fresh pomegranate tea. Now, Chaewon heard nothing but the heartbreaking sounds of hoarse sobs and labored breathing. It all felt like a big, horrible nightmare she would wake up from any minute now. Her only wish was to wake up. Oh, how she wished for this to be nothing but a cruel trick of the mind.

However, this was a reality. She had no choice but to confront it head on.

Chaewon rushed towards Rika, clumsily squatting on her knees in front of her on the pavement, her hands stopping only inches from touching her. It didn't matter that her pants were now soiled from the damp ground from the rain. It didn't matter that she accidentally grazed her hand against the edge of the wooden door that hung right open - another thing that was horribly out of place. It was as if the entire world has faded from existence, leaving only her suffering friend and the deafening sound of her own blood pumping in her temples, making it very hard to focus. She was genuinely beginning to suspect that she was on the brink of a panic attack, and she had the urge to curse outloud at the realization. Of all the times she could loose her cool, this one just had to happen.

But... She was scared.

Chaewon was incapable of providing comfort to others. She could treat a nasty-looking physical wound and not bat an eye at the blood and gore, she could fight off a bully just fine, or she come to someone's defense with a strong word or two without a second thought. But... such fragile and emotionally driven ordeals? Rika's forte was always those things. Or Jihyun's, for that matter, as much as she hated to admit that. Yet another reason why that man would always be better than her in one way or another. But, this was not the occasion for her pity party. Rika, she needs her right now. And any comfort would still be better than no comfort at all. At least, she hoped so. She didn't come here for no reason.

Don't worry about it, just do it.

"...Rika? We should-"

She failed to finish her sentence.

"-She's gone forever now, Chaewon, and it's all my fault! I'm never going to see her again. I didn't even... I didn't even get to give her any proper goodbye. She must have died in so much pain, so scared, feeling so betrayed and alone... I can't... I can't handle this. Not without her. Oh, Sally... My Sally..." Rika sobbed, choking on every painful word crawling up from her raw throat, almost like it was her own words tearing at her trachea, rather than the globus sensation that appears during emotionally vexing situations. Some part of Chaewon felt gross that she was applying her medical knowledge even in such an emotional situation. She felt like it was wrong of her. Still, Rika's breathing was growing more and more ragged with every passing second, and she needed to try and fix that. Or, at the very least, mitigate. She was aware that this was bad. This was very bad. She never saw Rika like this before. So vulnerable, so... so hurt.

She tried to tame her voice by swallowing shakily. This isn't good enough. She needed to ask: "Does V-"

Once more, Chaewon was interrupted. She was beginning to believe that she would not be able to achieve anything at this rate.

"-I thought she would be fine on her own. I thought I was doing the right thing... I swear, I-I took my eyes off of her for just a moment! I never imagined... Oh God, I couldn't do anything. Not a single thing!"

"Rika, please, you need to listen to-"

"-I wish... I-I wish it was me who got hit by that car instead! She was so much more deserving of a chance to live! She was good! Not me! I killed her! I... I hate myself. I hate myself for letting her die-!"

"-Rika! Stop it!"

As if she was on impulse, she darted close and tightened her grip on Rika's shoulders, feeling her heart dropping all the way into her stomach at such frightful words. She was experiencing pure panic at this point. Her hands were trembling. Her hands never trembled like this before. What is her responsibility here? What should she say?

Her voice was breaking, every word slipping off her tongue before she could even process them. She couldn't think straight. This was not good. She didn't act rationally whenever she got like this. She would just make everything worse, "Don't you ever say such things again! This is not your fault! These sorts of things happen all the time! Please, you had no play in any of this!"

"How can you even say that!? You weren't there!" Rika shouted back, but it sounded more like a broken wail than an angry scream. Despite everything, Chaewon's heart still hurt, "You don't know how much she suffered, you don't know what pain she was in! If I had just given her that surgery, none of this would have happened!"

Chaewon tried to calm her racing mind by running a hand through her messy black locks, which have gotten damp from the light rain trickling down on them from above. This wasn't good. She was handling this poorly, as expected. She needed to get herself together, think of something, anything. Screaming and arguing won't get her anywhere. This isn't a debate.

"...Sally wouldn't have wanted to see you blaming yourself like this, Rika," in a hushed voice, she murmured, releasing a soft sigh to calm her nerves before continuing, "She was loved by you. More than I've ever seen anyone love their pet before. And you were loved by her, too. You are still loved by her."

The tiny little sound almost that came from Rika as a response almost made Chaewon cry herself, as her friend whimpered. Rika appeared like a small helpless child, feeling scared, lost, and confused after losing something she had never expected to lose. It was absolutely heartwrenching to see.

"...I don't deserve her love. It all feels so empty. Like a part of me was ripped away, and it hurts. It hurts so much, Chaewon. I thought I was used to this pain, but... but it's too much."

She had a desire to have a separate conversation with Rika about that. There was always a part of her that knew there was more to the lighthearted beautiful woman she fell in love with a year ago. Some part of her that felt concerned about all the tiny signs she pretended not to notice, since Rika never brought them up. Some part of her that longed to be the one to ease Rika's wounded heart. But... Wouldn't that be selfish of her? Feeling wanted by someone who had only seen her as a close friend was all she wanted. It wasn't right for her to be greedy. Especially right now. Rika had Jihyun. Jihyun brought her happiness. Jihyun was supposed to make her happy.

Otherwise... what point was there in her just standing by all this time?

Without pause, Chaewon gently stroked the side of Rika's face with her fingers, discovering her skin to be damp and cold. As if the misery she was experiencing on the inside was slowly evolving and transforming what was on the outside to match its cruel image. It hurt her heart to see.

"Please don't say that..." What else could she possibly say? She couldn't bring Sally back. She couldn't ask her not to cry. She was incapable of making it all right. She felt so frustrated and helpless. If only she could take away even the smallest portion of this pain Rika was feeling and redirect it onto herself instead, she would've done so without a second thought.

"I hate this... Why did she have to suffer like this...? Why couldn't she just live a peaceful and happy life? She was good... She was pure. Not like me. What did she ever do to deserve such a horrible death? Why does God always hurt those that are innocent in such cruel ways!?"

Chaewon was uncertain about what to say to that. Rika didn't seem to be listening to her at this point. She just breathed out shakily, pulling herself up to sit beside her and carefully rest her chin atop of Rika's head, once she knew she wouldn't push her away. If only her embrace could protect her from all the pain in this world.

If only it was that simple.

"She's not in pain anymore... I promise," that was all she could muster up, however clumsy it was. In a somewhat awkward embrace, she gently held Rika's small trembling frame close. She did not compel her to release her knees or raise her head. She just wanted to make her feel that she wasn't alone right now. A small sigh escaped her, as she could feel a small damp spot slowly forming in her shirt, where Rika buried her face in, her entire body wracked with painful sobs. She wished their first embrace had not occurred under such heartbreaking circumstances, "...It wasn't your fault."

It might be more effective to be truthful instead of improvising. Rika's head was now being carefully caressed by her, and Chaewon noticed that her normally soft and beautiful golden locks were tangled and rough to the touch. It made her purse her lips tightly in displeasure: "Rika... I want to help you. In any way I can. Please... tell me what should I do. I... I don't know. I need you to tell me."

"J-Just stay. Don't leave. Please," Although Rika's voice was barely audible, she still managed to hear what she was saying. The sensation of her fingers digging into her shoulders was intense, almost to the point of being painful. She didn't care, "I'm scared..."

"Don't be. I'm here. I'm right here," Chaewon mumbled, pulled her friend close, and just let her cry. Maybe there wasn't any need for words right now. She didn't know. She just knew that she wouldn't leave her alone in such a state, "I'll be here for as long as you need me to be."

After an hour had passed, Chaewon heard a car screeching to halt near the front entrance of the house, followed by hurried footsteps. She wasn't at all surprised to see the tall man with messy mint hair once she lifted her head up from where it had loyally remained on Rika's for the past hour. A silent moment of sorrow and mutual understanding passed between the two, nothing but the sound of Jihyun's ragged breaths and the quiet pitter-patter of rain filling the air around them.

It looks like she's not the only one who dropped everything to come as soon as possible.

"...Is she...?"

"I think she fell asleep," Chaewon quietly responded, not even bothering to listen to the entire question. Rika was probably exhausted, both physically and mentally, from the immense stress she had to go through in the past few hours. No wonder she eventually just drifted off to sleep. Perhaps, it was better for her to just not think about anything for a while and sleep.

Jihyun sighed, his hands shaking noticeably while he fumbled with the corners of his jacket. Chaewon felt comforted to know that she wasn't the only one feeling overwhelmed by this situation, in an ironic sense. Finally, he spoke up again, carefully sitting down on the same porch her and Rika were nestled upon, his hand carefully brushing a strand of his fiance's hair behind her ear. There was genuine heartache in his eyes, and she had to look away from the scene dejectedly: "I came as soon as I heard. I... Is she okay? Did she..."

Chaewon believed that his question had a greater significance than simply expressing concern for his lover's well-being. She tried to get rid of that strange thought, but it persisted in the back of her mind, like a parasite slowly extending its tentacles into her mind.

It appeared that he was asking if Rika had done anything. She was unaware of whether that was to herself or someone else. But, it alarmed her nonetheless.

To avoid disturbing her unconscious friend, Chaewon shook her head slightly: "She's alright. I think. Aside from... possible raw throat, tense back and headache, she should be fine. Physically."

She was certain that she would have noticed any wounds right away.

Jihyun sighed with relief, but no joy was present. Chaewon couldn't hold him accountable for it: "Thank you... For being with her when I couldn't. I am... ever so grateful she had you by her side right now."

She felt like screaming when she saw the small smile of gratitude he gave her. Him being genuine was the most unfair aspect of it all. Jihyun was a good and caring man. Although, she had more in common with his friend Jumin, rather than the photographer himself. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't hate him. And her feeling so disgusted with herself was caused by the ugly feelings of jealousy and envy that were eating away at her from the inside. Jihyun considered her a dear friend, and here she was, getting all worked up over him rightfully caring and worrying over his fiance.

It's a shame that she's so selfish.

Chaewon bit the inside of her cheek in a mixture of frustration and pain, feeling the slight taste of copper on her tongue. Right. She was merely a friend. To Jihyun and Rika all the same. A close friend. Nothing more. Jihyun was the one Rika trusted the most. He knew the parts of her that she was never allowed to see.

What's the worst aspect of it all? It's that Jihyun was a better match for Rika, as she was aware. He was kind, gentle, artistic, loving. He was everything that Rika valued in a person. Chaewon's behavior was characterized by bluntness, forcefulness, and practicality. She was incapable of competing with this man for her heart. And did she even want to do that? It's not like she ever tried. She just sat back without doing or saying anything.

It seemed like there was a pattern in her life.

Agh, take a look at yourself. You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself about some stupid crush, even though your friend just lost her beloved companion. Get a grip. Chaewon quickly chastised herself as she tried to redirect her attention back to what was truly important right now, rather than her pitiful lovesickness.

"We should... probably carry her in. You should have her take a warm bath once she wakes up. Or give her a warm beverage. She might get sick after staying out in the rain like this," she mumbled quietly while untangling a few of Rika's golden curls to distract herself from something else. She certainly did not want to imagine Jihyun taking care of Rika like that. But... She wasn't one to be petty. At least not outwardly. She could be petty, angry, and upset all she wanted once she gets home, where her selfish outbursts won't harm anyone.

Jihyun carefully stood up from his spot while nodding: "Yes, you're right. I'll keep in contact with you. She might need her friend by her side once she wakes up."

"...Right."

Her friend. Chaewon prayed that she did not sound too bitter. She wished to avoid being perceived as an asshole. She made sure to help Jihyun carry Rika back into the house, offering a few more tips out of what little she knew. Of course, those were all health-related. Not much she could advise on emotions.

After drinking her stress away for a few hours that night, she sunk into bed with a bad feeling that kept her awake until early morning. A sensation of horror, disgust, and chilliness. The same one that she felt back in her car. It never left. It just faded onto the background. However, it was ever present. Demanding to be listened to. The feeling of things never being the same again. The feeling of something horrible lurking just around the corner. Something that would forever alter everything.

A point of no return. The beginning of the end.

Chaewon ignored it, just like she had done before.