#christophe's part coming whenever i get around to it... idk when that is but rest assured i will not neglect my favorite boy

[alister312]

What Do We Canonically Know About Gregory?

“I must say, I don’t think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale and had a 4-0 grade point average.”

Gregory may have only ever appeared as a secondary character in the 1999 film South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, but years after the film, the SP fandom still loves him. However, with such a disproportionate ratio of screen time to fan appreciation, what is fanon versus what is canon can get confused. Therefore, today I’d like to go through everything we canonically know about Gregory, with some light personal speculation based on the canon.

To start, I’ll state that what I am taking to be canon is everything that happened in the movie, along with South Park Studios wiki page about him (as close to an official wiki as I can get).

In the very first scene Gregory appears in, we learn a few concrete things about him.

Firstly, he can ice skate and it seems he’s relatively talented, as he mentions doing jumps earlier. Second, he introduces himself as “Gregory” and mentions he has just transferred from Yardale where he had a “4-0 grade point average”. His fandom wiki page mentions that Yardale is meant to be a portmanteau of Yale and Harvard, though I haven’t found anything to back this up. If it’s true, though, it speaks highly of his intellect. Whether it’s true or not, it’s clear that intelligence, or perhaps education generally, is important to Gregory, if he tells others his grades before even his last name. This tracks for later in the movie, when he and Wendy smile at one another when Garrison says that there’s “a lot to learn today” before class.

The value that Gregory places on intelligence and education are likely why he seems to only want to interact with Wendy. He tells Stan that he and Wendy spent time “talking of memories past”, which probably involved her frustrations with being one of the few more mature (and therefore “intelligent”) kids in her grade. Gregory quickly loses interest with Stan when he mentions that he’s gone to see the Terrance and Phillip (T&P) movie, saying a simple “Oho!” before leaving to talk with Wendy more. Considering they’re the only ones who didn’t wear T&P shirts to school, he obviously sees Wendy as his only intellectual equal.

Despite this, Gregory readily joins in with the others during “It’s Easy MMMkay”. He does have a line about how he doesn’t think he should be there, yet he sings and dances throughout the song/rehabilitation. He even laughs with the other kids at the end of the whole thing! In fact, I’d say this song is the time when he is the most similar to the other kids. It’s possible that the song and dance components brought that out in him.

This sequence is also the only hint we ever get towards Gregory’s parents, and not even that in depth, but I wanted to mention it anyway. Mr. Mackey tells all the students at the beginning that “[their] mothers insisted they be taken from [their] normal schoolwork and taught not to swear”. Therefore, we can reasonably say that 1) Gregory at least has a mother and 2) she believes in good manners. Based on how poshly Gregory conducts himself, I’d go a step further and say that his mother (and perhaps dad if he has one) places a heavy emphasis on manners, especially if she’s willing to pull him from schoolwork (something he has previously demonstrated to be of great importance to him and likely his parents as well).

Now, let’s get into political Gregory, another key canonical component of his character. The first instance we see of this is when Garrison makes a comment about all the mothers being on their periods, a lame explanation as to why they’ve arrested T&P. Wendy whispers something to Gregory and he feels compelled to share what she told him (“Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement”). It’s unclear why Wendy didn’t say it out loud herself, but my guess is that because Garrison is a sexist, she assumed she’d be dismissed and hoped Gregory would be taken seriously. If this is the case, then Gregory is aware of the privilege he holds and is keen to use it to uplift and bring attention to those oppressed.

Since we’re talking about political Gregory, let’s circle back to the idea that Wendy is Gregory’s only intellectual equal at school (in his eyes at least). For most of the movie, only they (and arguably Christophe) demonstrably understand the political nuance of the Canadian war and what it implies. When the declaration of war is announced, Wendy and Gregory appear to be the only students who are scared rather than confused. Even when Gregory tries to explain why this is wrong, what he says goes over everyone’s head except for Wendy.

However, while they’re mostly on the same page, there’s a few differences in what exactly they seem to take issue with. During Gregory’s recess soapbox speech, he seems to fixate on how this is an issue with America as a country (“The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens, an action condemned by the UN. Home of the free indeed!”). These lines tell us that Gregory is not American (“your government”). This is further confirmed when he uses kilometers as measurements later in the movie. Additionally, his direct accusation of the country and sarcastic tone at the end indicates that he doesn’t think very highly of the U.S. at all.

Wendy, meanwhile, seems to focus more on freedom of speech and censorship, suggesting that she is not quite as radicalized against America as Gregory is. After she speaks, Gregory starts talking again, although we don’t get to hear what he says because Stan (the current audience perspective) is distracted. However, based on the fact that Wendy asks Stan what he thinks afterward, I think it’s likely that Gregory is explaining why he feels so strongly and why others should too. This could connect back towards his potential want to use his privilege to educate and uplift others.

I believe Gregory is able to accomplish this to an extent! While it’s Kyle (along with Stan and Cartman) who puts out the call for others to meet for La Resistance, when Gregory shows up with Wendy, he says that others are coming. Considering he’s new in town and has no friends besides Wendy, how would he know this? I think that, once he and Wendy learned there was a resistance group, they went and convinced others to join. Only two kids leave when they learn there isn’t any punch or pie, so the rest are actually dedicated to the cause. Considering how uninterested they were before, it makes sense that somehow Gregory was able to get through to them.

Even if this is what Gregory wants, however, it’s obvious that he struggles at being patient with anyone who isn’t as informed as he is. He is impressed by Stan and the others’ willingness to try, he is quickly frustrated at their lack of experience. He has enough manners in him to ask “May I?” when it’s revealed that Stan’s plan is useless, but not enough patience to wait for a yes before he takes over the La Resistance meeting. While this could be seen as rude or snobbish, it’s evident that Gregory has already spent a lot of time researching, likely already planning to do something himself. How else would he so intricately know the layout of the base where T&P are being kept or the exact window of opportunity during the USO show?

Gregory’s song, of course, says a lot about his perspective on the world. For starters, despite his pessimism about America, Gregory does seem to believe in freedom. He is not just fighting to dismantle– he is fighting to improve. Also, religion seems to be a rather heavy influence for him. Not only does he invoke God when talking about fighting for freedom, but he claims they are all “blessèd” and ultimately “only the righteous” will stand. Often, the connotation behind righteousness is a religious one, or a moral one which can stem from religious teachings.

Another tenet of Gregory’s belief seems to be the idea that sacrifice is admirable, necessary, and inevitable when fighting for freedom. He describes various potential and graphic scenarios where they die for the cause, but these are meant to be inspiring rather than scary. Additionally, he implies that these are not hypotheticals (“when you all get shot”, “when they torture you”, “that’s the way it goes / in war you’re shat upon”). Gregory definitely takes revolutionary work very seriously, but he also seems to romanticize the idea of being a martyr. While that paints him in a slightly naive light, he is at least willing to be hands on and isn’t scared to be a part of the body count (switching from “for though you die” to “for though we die”).

The way Gregory acts throughout the whole of the La Resistance meeting and later in the film (when he realizes Stan and the others failed) really shows that Gregory has a lot of self confidence, which can manifest as arrogance. It’s not as if his confidence is unearned– he is clearly very competent and experienced when it comes to revolutionary work. However, Gregory does automatically assume others can’t handle dangerous or complicated tasks (and is unsurprised when proven right). I don’t think he realizes that he is coming off as pretentious, considering how unfazed he is whenever people get annoyed with him.

In fact, the only time Gregory seems truly offended is when Wendy vocally renounces him, saying “Fuck Gregory, fuck him right in the ear!” This isn’t the first time she’s looked at him angrily or the first time he’s been “insulted” right to his face (earlier when Cartman called him a “fucking faggot”), but this is the first time it upsets him. Why? I think it’s a combination of two things. First, he doesn’t seem that great at picking up on subtleties. He couldn’t tell when Wendy was annoyed with him, or when Stan was, and he’s not great at being subtle himself. Second, either Gregory doesn’t consider faggot to be an insult or Wendy’s opinion is one he actually values, especially when compared to Cartman. Both of these are possible, though the latter is more likely.

Is it possible for Gregory to overcome his arrogance and dismissive mindset when it comes to others? It seems so! The way he praises Stan for volunteering and seems impressed when he finally understands the heart of the issue (i.e. freedom of speech) suggests that Gregory grows to like people as long as they are trying. He even entrusts the very symbolically important role of La Resistance banner holder to Butters, despite the fact that Butters trips when he holds it. This could even connect back to why Gregory is so into Mr. Mackey’s rehabilitation– he appreciates when others put in the effort to better themselves and the world around them. This is likely why he praises Christophe (calling him an expert), as Christophe is shown to be a very dedicated and determined individual, even if he’s misotheistic (contrasting Gregory’s positive tone towards God) and prone to toilet humor (the “buttfor” joke).

So now that we know all there is to canonically know about Gregory, what are the core components of his character? He places a lot of his own worth in his intelligence/education and expects others to as well. I’d argue that his high expectations of hyper competence tie into this as well. All of that contributes to his slight arrogance and inability to truly connect with others who aren’t on the same level as him, with Wendy and Christophe (and perhaps Stan by the end) seeming to be the only ones who have his respect. Despite this, Gregory uses his privileged standing to advocate for others and speaks out against (and actively fights) injustice. He has very strong (perhaps Christian-inspired) morals and isn’t afraid to sacrifice himself for what he believes in.

[libraryofloveletters]

Misplaced Promises

Eddie Diaz x Sister!Reader

Warnings: sibling arguing, general protectiveness, a few swear words and that’s it I think ? 

Category: angst/fluff

Word Count: 3.6k

Author’s Note: This one mostly focuses how Eddie tries his best to keep promises he makes and be a good brother but he keeps fucking up. I also tried my best for this to follow a timeline and make it make sense with canon but idk, I made shit up go with it. // 

---- 

14 years old // 19 years old. 

The 2 of you were 5 years apart but you were attached at the hip. Eddie was your big brother, the guy you looked up to the most, the person you went to when you didn’t know what to do. You had 2 sisters but what you and Eddie had was different. Sophia and Adriana were the two older ones, they stuck together and they included you but it wasn't the same. 

The day before Eddie announced that he enlisted, he had been quiet, shifty and weird all day. He avoided you at all costs. You needed him to look over a project for you - seeing that you ended up with the same English teacher he had in high school but he kept coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't help you. 

“Running to the store to pick up something for mom, I'll check when I get back” 

“Going to play some ball with the guys, remind me when I get back” 

“Gonna shower, I'll do it after” 

“Let me go see Shan for a bit, I'll check it when I come home” 

Excuse after excuse, he was up to something and knew you would be able to tell so he ignored you at all costs. The next morning at breakfast, he announced that he was enlisting, Shannon was at breakfast too and she didn’t seem shocked at all. 

Your father asked him why, your mother began crying and your sisters wished him good luck and hoped that he would be safe. You on the other hand, had your eyes glued to Shannon. 

“You knew?” your question directed straight at her. 

She nodded, “he told me last night” 

“Huh,” you scoff, getting up. “you told her before you told us ?” looking towards your brother. 

“y/n, don’t” his look pleading you not to start and you didn’t, simply walking away and going to your bedroom. You can hear bits of the conversation from your room, Eddie telling your parents that he’s only going to do one tour just until he finds what he really wants to do. 

It was a while before someone came looking for you and no surprise, it was Eddie. 

“Can I check the paper for you now?” he sticks his head in from the doorway, waiting for your answer- his way of hoping that you’d talk to him. 

“Sure” nodding toward the computer on the desk. Eddie made himself comfortable in the chair and began going over the paper. The keyboard clicking as he edited the paper and your sighing were the only sounds to be heard. 

Everyone had been dealing with the news differently. Your father had turned to whatever project he was building in the backyard, your mother had stepped out- probably to go to the store to get stuff to make one last proper meal for him before he left and your sisters seemed to be handling it well, you could hear them bickering in the hallway over who would get his room as they passed by. 

It’s not that they didn’t love him, they just had a different version of the world and of love. 

The whole family did.  

Sophia and Adriana were the first two, all the love and support of your parents was what they basked in. 

Eddie was the only boy, automatically gaining him an in as a mama’s boy and his father’s only son, someone to show off- he was their pride and joy. 

That left you, not that they loved you any less because they ‘love all their children the same’ but you never got the parental love and affection that your siblings did. Your parents were busy working and now that you were in high school and capable of looking after yourself, you saw them even less. Eddie had always been there, at the recitals, school concerts, whenever you learnt a new trick and was looking for someone to show, he was there. 

In some way, Eddie raised you more than your parents did. 

That’s why you couldn’t wrap your head around it. 

“Couldn't just find a job here like every other lost kid after high school ? You had to go sign up to get yourself killed?” sitting up, you look towards him. 

Eddie sighed, leaning back into the chair and looking at you. He looked sad, almost hurt. “I didn’t ‘sign up to get myself killed’” he tells you, “I can’t sit around watching Soph and Adriana get their lives together meanwhile I'm still living with mom and dad and I have no idea what to do” 

“So what? you take a little longer to get your life together, that’s not the end of the world.” 

“I’m supposed to know what I want to do, I've been out of high school for a year and a half. Most people have already moved out of their parents’ houses” 

“God you’re so stupid” you groan, falling back onto the bed.

“Excuse me?” he looks at you, obviously offended. You get up off the end, pacing the room for a moment, trying to gather your thoughts. 

“Just because you’re lost doesn't mean you sign up for the fricking army! Eddie, you could die” your voice breaks at the end of the sentence. Then and only then did Eddie really see how upset you were, you really thought he could die- yes there was that possibility but he knew that when he signed up. He gets up off the chair, you were now facing the window, not wanting him to see the tears that were forming. His hand resting gently on your shoulder. 

“I’m not gonna die” he whispers, pulling your shoulder towards him which caused you to turn. “You better not, I'll kill you” 

“But I'll be de-” “shut up” you give him a look, he chuckles and pulls you in for a hug. “I promise I'll come home, who else is going to keep you in check?” he teased which earned him a smack to the side, “more like who’s gonna keep you in check” you rebutted, a smile on your face now. Eddie kissed the top of your head, his cheek now resting atop of head - abuela’s words ringing in his head. 

“Don’t make promises you can't keep Edmundo” 

She had scolded him for promising to give his sister her candy back after he knew he was going to eat it (and he did, but that’s besides the point) 

He promised to come home but he didn’t know if he would. 

--

17 years old // 22 years old 

“We’re having a baby!” Eddie’s arm around Shannon as they announce the second piece of exciting news for that evening to the family.

Eddie had finally returned from his first tour with the announcement that he and Shannon were getting married all while they were expecting as well. Your parents were the first up to go congratulate the love birds, your sisters are next and you follow last. Hugging Shannon who was already beaming with happiness and then your brother who hugs you for a second longer than needed, whispering that he wants to talk to you afterwards. Humming, you step back and go to help your mother set up for dinner. 

The rest of the evening is spent talking about when the baby is arriving, the plans for the wedding and whatever other exciting things are happening for them at that moment. You tuned out about halfway through the conversation, only replying with the simplest answers to make it seem like you were actually listening. 

Your sisters, mother and Shannon were in the kitchen all gossiping and making plans for the wedding. A big church wedding, ‘do it right’ as your mother would say because ‘if you do it right the first time, you don’t need to do it again.’

The whole big wedding thing was a scam- a pile of bullshit that you wanted no part of. Don’t let that fool you, you were beyond happy for your brother, becoming a husband and a father- those were things the two of you used to joke about, thinking that it was such a long time from then yet here you are. 

The door slammed as it shut, Eddie sitting beside you on the porch. He set a bottle on the step beside you. You glance at the bottle and then at him, brows furrowed. 

“Thought you could use a drink after all the exciting news” he hums, taking a sip out of his own bottle. 

You let out a dry chuckle, taking a sip yourself. “Yeah, congrats dude. Husband and baby daddy in one go ? You got the guys around here beat” jokingly nudging him with your shoulder. Eddie laughs, “yeah.” the word kind of trailed off, there was more to the answer than he was letting on. 

“What's wrong ?” 

“Are you really happy for me ?” he turns to you, “I know you weren't exactly happy when I left, especially that I told Shannon first. I just.. you’re my little sister and it means so much that you’re on board with everything-” your hand rests on his. 

“You always were kind of an idiot huh?” you pat his hand, Eddie looking clearly offended again. “Of course I'm happy for you. You’re my brother and no matter how much we fight, there’s no way I wouldn't be there for you. Eddie, you’re going to be an amazing dad, you know that right ?” 

“Yeah ? You think so ?” 

“Mhm hm, know how I know?” 

“Do tell” 

“Because you raised me and I turned out just fine” you smiled and so did Eddie, shaking his head. 

--

23 years old // 28 years old 

Eddie’s place was covered in boxes, the fight with your parents was the last button to be pushed. He packed up the remnants of his life in El Paso and was on his way out to the door.  

Christopher was sitting on the couch, his favourite show on tv as you were packing up the last of the dishes in the kitchen. Eddie had just stepped back in after taking some boxes out to the truck. You leant against the counter, looking at him. He knew you weren't the biggest fan of his plan but you supported him nonetheless because that’s what siblings do. 

“What? Why do you keep staring ?” he snapped. 

“Jesus, who pissed in your coffee?” rolling your eyes at your brother.  

“Sorry, I'm just ready to get out of here” he tosses a few things into a box. There had been unspoken words between the two of you since he mentioned that he wanted to move. You didn’t say anything, just listened and helped pack boxes but all of that stops now. 

“Are you sure this is the smartest thing?” 

“What do you mean?” he stops what he was doing and turns his attention to you. 

“I know mom and dad were in the wrong for asking- telling you that Chris should move in with them, that’s bullshit. He’s not their kid, he’s your kid but why are you running Eddie ? You have family there besides them, Sophia and Adriana and me. I’m here Eddie, I've always been here, helping you with Chris since Shannon left.” 

“That’s exactly the point, Shannon left. She upped and left us y/n, left me to raise Chris by myself.” 

“So did you.” you tell him what you had been waiting to tell him since Christoper was a baby. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” the anger visible on his face. 

“You left. You upped and left Shannon when she needed you the most, she needed a partner that was here and not thousands of miles away. She just had a baby- your baby and you left her to go to the fucking desert! you risked your life for what ?! you had a family Eddie! You promised just one tour but you just had to go back, you had a family that needed you!” 

“Exactly! I had a family that needed me! That’s why I left, I had to provide for them.” 

“Don’t give me that shit. You wanna know why mom and dad walk all over you when it comes to raising Chris ? Because you left! You fucking left when the mother of your child, your wife and your child needed you! He needed a father and you left Eddie! Do you know what that does to a child?!” 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my child and you sure as hell don't get a say in where my marriage went wrong!” the two of you stood in the kitchen shouting at each other. 

The things you said were nothing but what you felt was the truth - he did leave Shannon after she had Chris, when she needed him to be there. You weren't siding with her but you weren't picking up for him either- someone had to let him straight and your parents would never dare say the things you would say to him. Although they didn’t like his approach to raising Christoper, they would never say that because Eddie was their son. They much rather half ass suggest things and beat around the bush than tell Eddie straight what they felt. 

The rest of the night was quiet, nothing left to be said between the two of you. Tucking Chris into bed one last time before they leave, you spend the night because you promised Chris you’d be there when they left. 

The morning comes and Eddie is quiet, no surprise there. Chris is attached to your hip and the 2 of you stood outside the house, saying goodbye. You crouch down in front of your nephew, “will you come visit?” he asks you sweetly, your heart breaks a little knowing that you won’t be visiting anytime soon but you put on a smile for him. “Of course, only if we stay up late and eat all the candy we can find” you tickle his side, earning a full belly laugh- your favourite sound. 

“I love you always, you know that right ?” you look up at the little boy who's nodding. “I love you” he smiles, his finger tapping your nose, yours comes up to mirror his action. 

“Okay, give me a big hug and you be good for your dad, he’s a good guy. He just bugs out sometimes” you hug Christoper, his arms wrapped around your neck as you pick him up, carrying him to the trunk. 

Eddie comes out just as you’re putting Chris in. He hands you the keys to the house as he checks to make sure Chris is buckled in properly. 

The two of you standing there awkwardly before Eddie mumbles bye and walks around the truck. Stepping back, you watch as they pull you, Christoper waving to you from the window. 

--

25 years old // 30 years old

El Paso had treated you well, growing up there and going to school but you needed a change now. Applying to teaching jobs all over the country, you hear back from two- one is Minnesota and one in LA but you couldn't handle the cold so LA it was. 

The staff at the school were sweet and welcoming, you had arrived just in time for the new school year. The woman at the front desk was asking you some standard questions when she came across your name on the form.

“Miss, is it l/n or Diaz for your last name ? You have both listed here” she looks to you for an answer. You stared at the paper in front of you- l/n was your mother’s last name and Diaz was your father’s. All your legal documents had Diaz on it but you weren’t sure if you wanted to go by it or not, maybe make something for yourself with the Diaz family name attached to you.

“Miss ?” She asked again, looking at you.

“Diaz. Y/n Diaz is fine” 

Classes start and you’re getting settled in nicely, there’s still some shuffling around in terms of students and you get a finalized class list at the end of the week. Not really looking over it, you set it on the desk until the next morning when you say hello to your new class.

You begin writing your name on the board as the children set in.  

Ms. Diaz in big bold letters. 

“Hey! We have the same last name!” a little boy calls out- voice almost identical to your Chris’ voice. 

Turning, there he was sitting n the middle of the class, your nephew Christopher - except no one knows he’s your nephew nor did he seem to remember that you were his aunt. 5 years without a phone call or a visit is a long time, you wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't remember you and he doesn’t. You treat him as you would treat the rest of your students. 

The end of the day rolls around, Chris is the last student waiting with you. It was getting a bit chilly so the two of you headed into the classroom. Christoper tells you about his dad- unknowing to him that Eddie is your brother and talks about how he’s a firefighter and all the cool things he got to do when he visited the station. 

A blonde man, tall and built in stature comes running into your classroom. “Chris! Buddy!” he heads over to the boy, giving him a hug. “Buck!” the boy smiles, returning the gesture. It was obvious that he knew Chris, the man noticed you watching them. 

“Hi, I'm Ms. Diaz, y/n. Christopher’s teacher” you introduce yourself. The man smiles, “I'm Buck, I work with Christopher’s dad” 

“He sent you to pick up Chris ?” 

“Oh no, he's parking, I just came in to find him because we didn’t see anyone outside. Sorry about that, work ran late” he apologizes. 

“No worries, Chris is a great kid. oh buddy, I was supposed to give you a sticker for your work today hold on” you leave Chris and Buck by the door as you go back to your desk, looking for a sticker sheet. When you returned, Eddie was there with Buck, both men had their backs turned to you. 

“Yeah! She has the same last name as us dad, there is she” the boy smiled, waving at you. “Ms. Diaz!” he shouts as you make your way over. You don't look at the men instead you step past them, crouching down in front of Chris showing him the sticker sheet. 

“Which one would you like?” showing him the sheet, Christopher picks out a little green star with a smiley face on it. Peeling it from the sheet, you stick it on his shirt. 

“Can dad and Buck have matching ones too ?” he asks sweetly and who were you to turn down such a cute face.

“Of course,” smiling at him, you stand and turn to Buck. “Can I ?” he nods, watching as you repeat the process and stick the green star to his shirt. 

When it comes Eddie’s turn, you can feel Buck’s eyes on you and you see him move to Eddie as well. As for Eddie himself, his eyes were wide, he hadn't spoken to you in almost 5 years and his parents refused to tell him anything other than ‘she’s fine’ when he asked. You didn’t ask him, you just stuck the sticker on him, on his forehead to be exact. 

Eddie pulled you in for a hug, a well needed yet weird one. Buck and Chris are whispering behind the two of you. 

“I’m sorry” Eddie whispers, his arms still around you. 

“I’m the one that said all that shit” you tell him, he shakes his head and lets you go. 

“You were right. I’m sorry. I know sorry isn't going to fix it but you’re here and I- I just wanna fix things. I miss my sister and I know Chris misses his aunt” 

“Yeah, you’re an ass but you’re still my brother. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try” 

Buck goes “oh” behind you, you’re now standing beside Eddie- arms folded and brows furrowed, the same expression on both of you. 

“Yeah, I see it now” Buck mumbles, “I’m starving, what’s for dinner ?” he asks, him and Chris walking towards the door together.

 You and Eddie follow them out, “why don't you join us for dinner ?” Eddie turns to you, you give him a look. “I can’t crash your time with your boyfriend, y’all are probably-” “my what ?” once again, Eddie had a stupid look on his face. 

“So you’re telling me that wonderful human ball of joy isn't your boyfriend ?” looking at your brother, the stupid look still on his face. 

“No, why would you think that ?” hearing the genuine confusion in his voice, you laugh. 

“No reason, but if you’re not gonna date him, I might.” Giving your brother a smile, his head tilts and a look you know all too well on his face. 

“Don’t” his finger pointed at you, you were now biting back a laugh. 

“Hey Buck!” you shout, running towards him, Eddie running behind you and shouting for you to stop. 

Things were going to fall back into place pretty easily. 

-----

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[kaimelia]

could u do a part two of closure of christopher’s actual birthday like amelia that day and the kids idk

closure pt. 2

May 15.

The numbers on her lock screen seemed to burn an imprint into her eyes, unable to blink away the image of them even as she looked away. It was a day that she had dreaded, one she had felt guilty for dreading, and one that she knew would be difficult.

She glanced over at Link, sleeping soundly beside her, his features perfectly calm without the knowledge of the current time.

12:01 A.M.

Amelia took a deep breath, pulled the sheet off her legs, and kicked them to the side of the bed, steadying herself as she stood up. Her legs felt weaker than before, as if someone had dropped a weight on them while she had been sleeping.

She didn't intend on being up so early today; in fact, she'd went to bed early. The kids had settled sooner than expected (which she suspected had something to do with Link; he knew what today was and promised he'd make it as easy as possible for her), and she had gotten a few hours of uninterrupted sleep until her son woke up crying. She recognized it as his hungry cry, nudging Link's shoulder softly to let him know that she would handle it, and walked into the nursery to feed her son. By the time he'd settled back down and she returned to the bedroom, it was nearly midnight, and she couldn't seem to calm her mind back down.

Part of her was tempted to wake her boyfriend and ask him to just hold her, comforting her in the way he always did so perfectly, but she knew that she would start crying if she opened her mouth and tried to speak. And honestly, she didn't know if she would stop.

Her toes dug into the carpet of the bedroom as she padded across the floor, carefully opening the door to avoid the creaking that often woke them up in the night. She crept down the hall and into Meredith's unoccupied bedroom, tiptoeing into the attached bathroom.

Link was unlikely to find her in here, she thought as she eased herself down on the cool tile, her pajama shorts not providing any warmth of comfort.

She clutched her phone close to her chest and breathed heavily, focusing her eyes on counting the floor tiles, something to ground her and ease her mind of the importance of the day.

---------------

"Amelia?" His voice was quiet, yet Amelia cringed at the volume. She opened her eyes to find herself on the bathroom floor, her boyfriend standing in the doorway with concern spelled across his features. He looked at her like that a lot, she realized. Link watched as she sat up, returning to her sitting position from the wee hours of the morning. She glanced down at her phone.

8:37 A.M.

A third of the day wasted on something as minor as sleep. Something she could do any day yet had chosen to waste her time on today.

"I made you some tea," Link kneeled down to her level, holding a steaming mug of something that nearly made her want to puke. "You wanna go eat something? I made waffles for the kids." She shook her head, staring blankly ahead. "You wanna be left alone?" Her shoulders shrugged, and Link remained beside her for another minute before placing the mug on the sink counter, whispering a quick 'I love you' and exiting the bathroom.

---------------

Her phone buzzed on the tile, the vibration obnoxiously loud below her.

Addison.

She picked up the phone, staring at the letters that spelled out the name of her sister. Addison Montgomery.

Addison called every year on this day as she ate lunch; they'd made it some unofficial tradition to make sure to connect and check in with each other on this day, no matter what was going on.

She knew that answering the call would mean a conversation about her feelings, endless questions about Scout and Link, some prideful rant about how much progress Henry is making, and right now, Amelia didn't want it. She didn't want to converse about how smart and how grown up their kids were when her own son had never gotten the same chance.

Her face was blank as the phone rang in her hand until it ended automatically, a text coming through shortly after.

Call me when you can, okay?

She'd call, eventually. Probably.

---------------

Link tried to hide the shock on his face as Amelia padded down the stairs, but she could see his reaction.

2:13 P.M.

She felt that spending the entire day sitting on Meredith's bathroom floor was definitely a waste, even if getting up felt painful. The kitchen was quiet around Amelia as she headed towards the table, sitting down on the soft cushion tied to the wooden chair. "Can I get you anything?" Link placed his hand on her shoulder hesitantly, only relaxing it down as Amelia breathed out. "The kids are all in their rooms, reading or throwing barbies and Hotwheels at each other." He sank into the chair next to her, leaning forward to look at her. "Do you wanna be alone right now?"

"Just sit here, please." It was so quiet that she wasn't even sure if she was speaking until Link nodded softly, sitting against the wooden back of the chair, placing his hand over hers.

---------------

The layer of dust over the photobook made her feel even guiltier. She rarely touched these albums, maybe once a year if she was feeling up to it, but not always. They were tucked in a box in the corner of her closet, constantly covered by fallen clothes or whatever mess she'd not bothered to clean up.

After moving up to Seattle, she'd wanted to tuck all remnants of her previous life away, but Addison had convinced her over the phone to keep things. Which left her with a half dozen photo albums she didn't touch often enough to justify owning, but that provided some odd sort of comfort to her when she needed it.

She brushed as much of the dust off as she could before standing, tucking the book under her arm, and heading towards the nursery. Scout was asleep in his crib, his features perfectly relaxed and his limbs sprawled out on the small mattress. She reached for him, knowing it would ruin the sleep schedule they'd been trying to develop (but failing miserably), not quite caring at the moment.

She settled in the rocking chair, holding Scout against her body in a sitting position, the book in her other hand. There was a crinkling noise as she thumbed through the pages, the clear plastic protecting the photos making enough sound to disturb the sleeping baby in her arms. "Shh," she whispered, pressing her lips to the boy's head. "Just stay calm with Mommy for a little, okay?" He snuggled further against her, causing a tiny smile to appear on Amelia's face. "This is your brother, Scout." She pointed at the one photo she had of her first son, one Addison had taken before he was taken into the operating room, knowing her sister would want some physical memory of the boy. "This is your big brother, and today is his birthday. He's eight years old today." Amelia noticed Link standing in the doorway as she looked up.

"Sorry, I just came to check on him; I'll go." She frowned and held out her hand.

"Come here; I'll show you the picture." He walked over slowly, standing behind her with his hands on her shoulders, massaging the muscles she held tension in. "Addison took this the day he was born. I didn't want anything, at least I thought I didn't want anything to remind myself of him, but I wish I had more."

"He's beautiful," Link whispered, dropping a kiss on her forehead. Amelia sniffled, glancing between Scout and the photo of Christopher.

"I miss him, a lot. It's even harder now that Scout's here, because Scout will never meet his older brother."

"We'll tell him everything. If you're comfortable with that, of course. We can tell him all about how his big brother saved so many other babies, how his big brother was a superhero for his entire life." Her eyes glossed over, and she tilted her head to look up at him. "And now, he's a superhero who watches over us, making sure that we're all okay. We'll tell him how sometimes you're going to be sad about Christopher and miss him, and that doesn't mean that you don't love Scout any less." She bit the inside of her cheek, nodding slowly as tears began to roll down from her eyes.

"Okay," she whispered, looking at Scout, who had fallen back asleep in her arms.

"And Amelia, I want you to tell me what I can do to help. Because I can try to understand, but I'll never feel it like you do. So, whenever you need it, just tell me, and I'll do whatever I can."

---------------

Tears fell steadily down her face for the rest of the night, her body curled up in the familiar comfort of Link's embrace as he respected the silence of her mood.

She hadn't wanted to cry, but pushing those feelings down hadn't done anything to help her grief, so she allowed herself to find solace in her boyfriend's arms.

He ran his hand down her hair, wiping tears from her face and holding her tightly to him. She didn't think about the missed calls and worried texts from Addison or the fact that the clock had already ticked past midnight, meaning it was no longer the birthday of her late son.

"The grief hit me harder than I expected," she eventually spoke, pulling Link's arm around her tighter. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Amelia. As hard as it is to see you upset, I can't even imagine what you're going through, so please don't feel guilty for it." She nodded her head slightly. "Because, just like Christopher was a superhero for all of those other babies, you're a superhero for everyone here. And even superheroes need time to feel everything. Grief, happiness, upset, anger, everything." A shaky breath fell from her mouth.

"You're my superhero," she whispered, moving her head to gaze into his eyes.

"And you, mine."

[kim-seungmine]

the time is now

title: the time is now

characters: (fem) reader x kim seungmin of stray kids (feat. choi lia of itzy, lee felix + bang chan of stray kids)

genres: romance, rich kid au, friends to lovers au, (sort of!) mafia au, dedicating this to 191109 seungmin & levanter era!seungmin

word count: 7.9k 

warnings: alcohol consumption, violence (nothing too wild tho), i haven’t proofread, idk what im doing tbh (but seungmin drives an aston martin i hope that makes you feel better)

synopsis: you and seungmin spent years pushing each other away, only to be confronted by your biggest fears when you finally decided to stop running away.

a/n: i hope this doesn’t suck :(((

Summer is for fun. Summer is for rest. Summer is for romance.

But summer is also for opportunities, and that’s the sole reason why you’re standing inside the Laura Ryu boutique—where you can’t even afford its cheapest pair of earrings. The luxury fashion brand is open for internships for the very first time and now it’s one of those “a million girls would kill for that job” positions in South Korea.

“Good morning, everyone.”

The sweet but regal voice belongs to Julia Choi, Laura Ryu’s daughter who’s specifically flew back from New York to Seoul for the summer to help her mother managing the internship. You know her better as Choi Jisu, your childhood friend who’s currently attending Parsons School of Design.

“I’m Choi Jisu, and I’m going to be your mentor throughout the internship. Well, technically I’m responsible for all of you here so please, stay in one piece until the end of summer although it’s going to be absolute hell, okay?”

Everyone laughs, and soon you’re ushered to one big studio inside. You see a placard with your name on one of the table and quickly head there, giving Jisu a little wave as she tells the other interns to find their stations.

After all the interns are seated, Jisu claps, effectively silencing everyone. “And now, something to motivate you,” she announces. “We’re going to monitor every single one of you and by the end of summer, we’re going to choose one intern to help with our next collection. How’s that sound?”

Excited whispers are heard all over the room, and you hope you’ll survive summer in one piece.

“Y/N! Wait up!”

Jisu is running down the stairs, her heels making loud clacking sounds against the marble floor. She envelops you in a tight hug the moment you’re within an arm’s reach. You’ve missed Jisu, it feels like it’s been ages since you volunteered at the animal shelter together.

“I can’t believe you actually applied!” she chirps.

You chuckle. “Well, I can’t believe I actually got in.”

Jisu snorts. “Oh please. I don’t need to see your portfolio to know how amazing it is. You’re probably the only one who sent a proper portfolio.”

She greets the shopkeepers, leading you outside. “Are you free? Let’s catch up!” she offers. You nod, linking your arm with hers. “What do you want to do? Coffee?”

“O—”

A white Aston Martin pulls over in front of you, causing Jisu to gasp and check her watch. The window rolls down, revealing an annoyed Kim Seungmin on the driver’s seat. “Yah Choi Jisu,” he snaps. “I know I’m just your insignificant cousin, but couldn’t you at least tell me that you were going to be at your Mom’s boutique the whole day?”

“Oh shoot, sorry Seungmin! I totally forgot,” Jisu panics, turning to you with apologetic eyes. “It’s okay,” you assure her. “Go. You’re stuck with me for the whole summer anyways.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’m not gonna leave you behind. Seungmin, you don’t mind if I bring Y/N along, do you?”

Yeah, Kim Seungmin. Someone from your “summer is for romance” phase two years ago. You’re well aware that you’re an intern at his aunt’s boutique, but you thought you wouldn’t meet him since he’s set to take over his father’s law firm instead of becoming the heir of Laura Ryu’s fashion empire.

“It’s fine,” you refuse. “We can hang out some other time, Jisu. You two have fun!”

“Come with us,” Seungmin interjects, calmly as usual. Two years of not seeing him in flesh has weakened your defense. Seungmin has always looked fine, but now he looks ten times hotter with his dirty blond hair and you’re cursing yourself for being so shallow. Jisu shrugs, opening the door and pulling you inside.

Seungmin glances at the empty passenger seat then at the rear-view mirror. “So where are we headed, Young Mistresses?” he asks, his tone both sarcastic and playful.

“We were going to grab some coffee. Just stop by at the first Starbucks you see,” Jisu answers before attacking you with questions. Seungmin mumbles an, “Okay Miss” before making a u-turn. You feel all eyes are on you when you enter the café, suddenly realizing that you just stepped out of Kim Seungmin’s Aston Martin with Choi Jisu attached to your side.

For a split second, you forgot that you’re hanging out with South Korea’s top socialites who are way too cool for Starbucks.

After getting your orders, the three of you are chatting about every little thing. “And how is our little Byul? Has she been adopted?”

You and Seungmin exchange awkward glances, causing Jisu to cock an eyebrow. “What happened?”

“I didn’t go to the shelter last year,” you confess.

“Me neither,” Seungmin mumbles, sipping his Americano in a haste.

“Okay, neither of you went to the shelter last year, so what? What are you guys being so weird about?”

“Nothing,” you and Seungmin answer in unison. Jisu examines your face and snaps her fingers, seeming to get the idea. “Well, if that’s the case… why don’t you two talk things out?”

“Wait what happened to catching up?” you panic, while Seungmin grabs his cup and stands up. “I should drive you home,” he says.

Jisu clicks her tongue. “Sit down, both of you.”

You and Seungmin do as told, begging her with your eyes to save yourselves from this situation. “As you said, Y/N, we’re stuck together for the whole summer so we still have a lot of time. And no thank you, dear cousin. I’ll just take the cab. See you!”

Your friend smiles at you one last time before walking out, stopping the first cab she can find. You turn to Seungmin, finally letting yourself indulge in his pretty eyes that only seem to warm up whenever you’re around. Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing special about Kim Seungmin except for the fact that he’s a straight-As law student, looks both adorable and hot, and is actually a sweet, humble boy despite being filthy rich.

Okay, you’re definitely not over him.

Seungmin clears his throat. “So, how’s the internship so far?”

“It was only my first day,” you answer. “We didn’t do much yet. The real fight starts tomorrow, I guess.”

“You’re in good hands. Jisu handles everything well, and her Mom won’t even show up until the last day so you’re going to have fun.”

You laugh. “But one of the interns is going to be included in the team in charge of the next collection so I suppose your aunt will appear once in a while, right?”

“She’ll be in Paris the whole summer,” Seungmin explains. “Jisu begged her to let her handle the program because she misses home, and here we are now.”

“How about you? Been doing fine, I guess?”

The little spark in Seungmin’s eyes fades at your question. He stands up, returning your puzzled gaze with a cold one. “Let me take you home.”

“You don’t need to,” you retort, slightly offended. “Seungmin, did I say something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t,” he denies. “Please let me take you home. Jisu will kill me if I leave you alone here.”

You’re not satisfied with his answer, but decide to follow him. Seungmin enters the driver’s seat and starts the engine, heading to your neighbourhood without a word. “You still remember where I live?” you ask.

“I’m a law student Y/N. I can remember a lot of things.”

You let out an exasperated sigh. This is probably the only thing you hate about Seungmin: he shuts down everyone the moment he shows a hint of weakness. “Seungmin… are you okay?” you try again. “I’m not getting off until I get a proper answer.”

Jisu once told you that everyone in their big family sees a therapist every month; you know for sure that Seungmin must be their favorite patient because they get paid a fortune for counselling a very good boy who answers everything with positive words.

Seungmin is a strong, positive guy, but not all the time. People tend to forget that. He tends to forget that.

Looking at how tense he is, you decide to drop the subject. “How’s Chan and Felix?” you ask while scrolling through your Instagram feed, looking at a photo of the said boys posing in front of their luxury cars.

Seungmin’s eyes soften at the mention of his best friends. “Aren’t you the one who go to the same university?” he questions endearingly.

Christopher Bang and Felix Lee were your classmates in Fashion Journalism—a class which Felix signed up for by mistake. He tried to have it erased from his timetable, but changed his mind when he realized that everyone in that class was girls. Soon, his best bro Chris Bang joined him and when they found out you were friends with Seungmin and Jisu too, they wouldn’t leave you alone.

“Yeah, but everytime I want to say hi they’re always surrounded by their friends.”

“You mean Seo Changbin, Lee Minho and Yang Jeongin?”

You nod. Seungmin laughs, slowing down his pace as he reaches your neighbourhood. “Just say hi. Those guys are harmless.”

“Easy for you to say,” you scoff. “Seo Changbin radiates this ‘you can’t sit with us’ vibes stronger than those girls in Mean Girls.”

“I mean it,” he repeats. “Just say hi. Felix calls you all the time anyways. You’re a part of their so-called circle.”

“You mean your circle?” you correct him jokingly, unfastening your seatbelt as he smoothly hits the brake in front of your house. “Thank you for taking me home.”

Seungmin smiles your favorite smile, the one where his eyes disappear into crescent moons. The door is opened, yet you’re just sitting there, trying to look for answers inside Seungmin’s doe eyes.

“What is it?”

You chew your bottom lip, shaking your head. “Nothing.”

Your Golden Retriever puppy named Sun died when you were in fifth grade. You couldn’t function for the rest of summer, so your Dad suggested that you volunteer at an animal shelter. You eventually registered for a 2-week volunteer program where you fell in love with a lively Pomeranian you ended up adopting and a lovely boy named Kim Seungmin.

You and Seungmin went to different schools (he attended an elite all-boys school), the volunteer program was the only time you could meet him. He brought his cousin Choi Jisu the next year, and it became a routine for the three of you from then on. Your beautiful friendship was perfect until your 18th birthday, when Seungmin gifted you a box full of photos of you he had taken as your birthday present.

After 8 years, you finally realized that Kim Seungmin wasn’t just a friend you volunteered with. He was the one you played hide and seek with, he was the one who taught you to use a camera, he was the one who sang to you when you cried after one of the dogs in the shelter got sick.

“Have I ever told you that I love your voice?” you asked him on one Sunday morning, right before you turned 20. “You could be a singer.”

“No, but thank you. You said it right when I started doubting myself.”

“This is not an empty compliment, Seungmin. I’m serious.”

Seungmin ruffled your hair, eyes lighting up at your seriousness. “You never say empty words, Y/N. I know that.”

After a few minutes of trying to find the right response and not finding any, you decided to let his compliment hang in the air. You laid beside him, keeping a safe distance because hearing him breathe so peacefully was enough to mess up your insides.

Seungmin turned to you, and for a while he just stayed like that, quietly examining your face while you were on the verge of freaking out.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He didn’t change his position, eyes still locked on your face as he whispered, “I asked myself that too, but I honestly don’t know. I just hope I can see you like this forever. Seeing you makes me happy.”

Speechless, you didn’t dare to meet his eyes. How were you supposed to react? Was Seungmin drunk?

“Seriously,” you croaked to break the silence. “You should audition to become an idol or something.”

“Should I?”

“Well, depends whether you want it or not, but go ahead if you want! You have nothing to lose anyways!”

His lips curled into a sad smile. “Nothing to lose? Y/N, money isn’t the only thing I have.”

Whenever you started to feel that maybe you and Seungmin could become something more, the universe always made sure to remind you that he wasn’t just a boy you grew up with. He was the only son of a successful lawyer who rode limousine to school and owned a black credit card he used without thinking. He appeared on nation’s newspaper after attending exclusive parties you could only dream of going. He was someone who flew to London with private jet over the weekend because he wanted to take some photos.

You laughed, locking eyes with him without realizing. “But with your money you can have everything, Seungmin. You and Jisu are different from the rest of us.”

Ten years of friendship and you never once talked about this. You knew Seungmin wouldn’t mind; he wasn’t the type who liked to flaunt his wealth, but he wasn’t one of those people who didn’t like to be reminded of how loaded they were. He never cared. But you were afraid he would think that you did, so you always avoided making comparisons.

That day, you had to do it. Maybe you were too protective of yourself, but you couldn’t risk getting hurt. One little slash on your heart, and the wound would leave a permanent scar.

Seungmin hummed in agreement, breaking the eye contact to look at the clear sky.

He left the shelter the next day, and you never talked to him again.

“Jisuuuu,” you whine as Jisu pulls you into Rose’s, a fancy bar that she frequents. “I thought we were just going to hang out!”

“We are!” Jisu exclaims, waving at the bartender before choosing a spot. She orders you a drink you’re not familiar with before pouting at you. “Okay, sorry for not telling you, but we’re not gonna hang out alone today.”

The door opens, revealing Chan and Felix. The latter immediately throws his arms around you, and you can’t help but break into an endearing laugh. “Y/N!!!! Why is it so hard to meet you? Don’t you miss your expensive friends?!”

You pull away from his grip. “Excuse me, but since when your socialite agenda includes your humble friend right here?”

Felix pouts, ordering a glass of Dry Martini while Chan and Jisu are whispering among themselves. You scoot closer to them. “What are you guys whispering about?”

The three of them snicker at the same time and you figure this isn’t just the usual “hanging out” session.

You turn to Chan. “Bang Chan, spill.”

“Wow, hearing someone that’s not my parents calling me Bang Chan is so refreshing,” Chan says. “It’s like having 2 personalities. Christopher is this hot, alluring, seductive man no one ever says no to, while Bang Chan is his inner child—soft, caring, funny… but still hot—”

Jisu shoots Chan a deathly glare before smiling at you. “You like Seungmin, don’t you?”

You take a sip of your drink and let her question sink in. Looking at your friends’ faces, you know that it wasn’t even a question. They feel it, and there’s no use of denying your feelings anymore.

“And that’s all we need to know!” Chan exclaims, standing up from his seat. He slips in a few dollars into the bartender’s pocket. “Seungmin doesn’t know we were here.”

Felix slaps his shoulder. “Bro you were literally the one who told him to come here. Stop trying to be cool.”

“Ah… you’re right,” Chan answers as Jisu rolls her eyes. “But anyways, Seungmin is will be here soon. Talk to him, okay?”

After waving them goodbye, you glance at your surroundings. Everyone is chatting with their friends while sipping their drinks happily; they’re in their natural habitat, while you’re just sitting there hoping Seungmin will come soon so you can get out of there as soon as possible. The bartender notices your uneasiness and offers you another drink to try.

Just as you start contemplating to leave, Seungmin enters the bar. He gives you a small wave when his eyes land on you, like it’s natural to see you there. The bartender serves 2 glasses of drinks before Seungmin even reaches you, “Gin and tonic, Mr. Kim’s favorite.”

Taking off his suit, Seungmin sits beside you and sips his drink. “When Chan kept terrorizing me to get here ASAP I know something’s up,” he says, examining your face. “… and you want to leave.”

Without waiting for your answer, Seungmin takes his coat. “Put it on my tab,” he tells the bartender, putting his hand on the small of your back and leads you out.

“Do you want to talk?” he asks after you’re sitting inside his car. “For real this time.”

He sounds apologetic, hurt and hopeful all at once and you recall everything you said to him two years ago. Those words left a deep scar in your heart, you can only imagine how broken Seungmin must have been.

“Yeah, we do need to talk.”

You never want to allow yourself to feel insecure, but the voices in your head get wild sometimes. You hate to admit it, the same way Seungmin hates to admit that he’s not always the calm and strong heir everyone expects him to be.

The only way to tune out those voices is to visit the park near your house to play on the swings

Seungmin has rolled up his sleeves so he could help you push the swings. You try to look over your shoulder. “Kim Seungmin what are you doing? Push it harder!” you demand, to which he shakes his head.  

He continues to push the swings gently, still allowing you to feel the cold wind on your face. “No,” he answers firmly. “You’ll get sick.”

Knowing you can’t change his mind, you just let him set the pace, and soon your heart starts to feel lighter. The voices get muffled by Seungmin’s low humming. You have a lot of explaining to do, yet he hasn’t said anything, not even telling you to smile a little. This time you’re not sure if it’s because of the swings or Seungmin or both, but the voices are almost gone now and you decide that’s enough for tonight.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper quietly. Seungmin stops pushing, letting the swings moves by itself before coming to a halt. He kneels down in front of you, a frown on his face. “Why? What did you do?”

“Two years ago… I’m sorry I pushed you away,” you sigh. “I’m sorry I did it like that. And I’m sorry for pestering you the other day. I don’t have any right to force you to tell me things.”

Seungmin heaves a sigh, grabbing your hand to stop you from fiddling with your shirt. He slowly laces his fingers with yours, the warmth of his eyes reminding you of the old happy days when the two of you would sneak out from the shelter to have a picnic under the clear sky. “And I shouldn’t have left,” he reminds you. You only stare into each other’s eyes until he blurts out, “Can we start over?”

You almost cry at how easy and right it feels. You spent years of your adolescent life telling yourself that this wouldn’t work, the wall you built to protect your heart was destroyed by the very person you built it for. But you find it impossible to lie when he’s looking at you with so much hope and adoration. When you finally nod, Seungmin rewards you with his toothy grin that always makes your insides flip.

The voices in your head shout out warnings at you, but you quickly shut all of them down. You’re not going to let them win. You’re not going to let them stop you from loving the only boy you want to love.

“Let’s take things slow, yeah?”

Seungmin beams at your words, pulling you up to envelop you in his arms. He waits until you relax before tightening his hold. You rest your forehead on his shoulder, breathing him in as he mouths words you can’t decipher into your hair. “Remember when you managed to persuade that young couple to adopt Vivi?”

“My lucky day,” you murmur, unconsciously pulling him closer to you.

“It was my lucky day too.”

“Of course it was! The owner also bought you chicken when Jisu and I were the ones working hard! You just nodded along with us!”

Seungmin chuckles. “I got to hold you for the first time that day. You were so happy that Vivi got a new home that you just jumped into my arms. Then you started crying and ruined my Balenciaga shirt, but I was beyond happy. You stayed in my arms until you fell asleep, and I got to watch you sleep.”

You pinch his waist softly. “You’re such a creep.”

Seungmin’s laugh only makes you feel even giddier than you already are, so you just close your eyes and relish in the feeling of his arms wrapping around your waist securely. “Shall we go to Jeju tomorrow?” he suggests.

“Jeju?”

He pulls away, enough for him to see your face but still holding you close. “Yeah. I can book us tickets so we can fly tomorrow and spend the whole weekend there. You don’t have internships on weekends, right? We’ll go to pretty places and I’ll take hundreds of pretty photos of you. We can have dinner by the beach since our villa is facing the ocean. You love seafood, right? Our chefs—”

“Kim Seungmin, what happened to taking things slow?” you giggle, causing him to let out a cute frustrated groan. “I’m sorry. How about a road trip to Busan then?”

“You can drive to Busan?”

“You’re underestimating me, love.”

Seungmin’s phone rings when you’re about to utter a sassy remark. He glances at the caller and releases you, his eyes turn cold as he accepts the call. “Yes, father?”

You can’t hear what his father is saying, but whatever it is, Seungmin doesn’t look happy. You reach for his hand carefully, and he quickly squeezes yours while responding to his father in a polite, business-like manner. He walks you to your house, telling his father that he’ll be home soon.

Seungmin pulls you into his arms again as soon as he slides his phone into his pocket. “Duty calls?”

“Mhm,” he replies. “As you can see, I had a meeting today, and Father wants updates.”

“He already involves you in meetings? That’s cool!”

“Nah, I can’t voice out any opinion yet. I’m just there to listen.”

Seungmin detaches himself from you, pressing a chaste kiss on your cheek. “So, I’ll pick you up at 6?”

You nod, not even bothering to protest that it’s too early because you want to see him again soon. Seungmin enters his car and starts the engine. He rolls down the window, grinning when he sees you wave at him. The phone call must have bothered him, but you decided to let it slide. “Text me when you get home,” you tell him.

Take things slow. You have to take things slow.  

Not only does Seungmin know how to drive to Busan (while looking extremely attractive behind the wheels), he also knows Busan like the back of his palm. He took you to all the pretty places and took pretty photos of you as promised. Now you’re at the balcony of the Kim family villa (you figure they have apartments and villas scattered in the whole country), nestled in Seungmin’s arms while waiting for the sun to set.

“Wait, sit over there!” Seungmin forces you to move from your spot to the end of the couch. “The angle is pretty!” He snaps a few photos with his newest Leica camera that’s worth a car. You give him your silliest poses before bursting into a fit of giggles. Seungmin puts the camera on the coffee table and pulls you back to him. “Enough photos for today,” he mutters, settling you on his lap. Seungmin never struck you as someone who loves skinship, but he never misses a chance to wrap you in his arms, and you’re not complaining. He probably feels the same blissful comfort you feel whenever the two of you touch.

The sun begins to set, and for a while you focus your gaze on the sky, admiring the way the sun paints it with shades of orange. Seungmin shifts underneath you, pressing a kiss on your exposed shoulder to earn your attention. You meet his eyes, and you see a tinge of worry in them. “What is it?”

Seungmin takes an awfully long time to answer your question, causing you to cup his face. “Tell me.”

“Do you trust me?”

The question has you frowning. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

Seungmin smiles, but the tinge of worry is still reflected through his orbs. “Whatever happens, I’ll try my best to make this work, okay? I’ll do anything to make this work. I want you in my life, more than you can imagine.”

“Seungmin—”

“There will be days when I’ll be away for meetings, there will be days when I’ll feel like absolute shit because of my Father and the business,” he reveals. “Sometimes it will feel like I’m keeping you in the dark and I know you won’t like that, but there are so many things I need to sort out now, and I can’t tell you anything yet. Is that okay?”

You can’t base your relationship on not-knowing! You can’t base your relationship on excuses and blind faith!

“Is it too much if I ask you not to let me wait for too long?”

Seungmin shakes his head so fast you wonder if it hurts his neck. “You know how smart I am,” he boasts. “Trust me, you’ll be amazed at how good I am in getting things done.”

“You better be, there are a lot of people waiting for your help, Lawyer Kim.”

Your boyfriend chuckles. “Speaking of getting things done, I have a request for you.”

“Request?”

“There’s this masked ball held by Chan’s Dad next month, and we’re all attending. I’ve been looking for a nice mask, but everything seems mediocre. Will you design one for me?”

You squeal, immediately attacking him in a tight hug. You’ve always wanted to design jewelries, including masks. The mere thought of buying the materials, matching the design according to Seungmin’s style and drawing all the pretty details launch you to cloud 9 in an instant.

“I guess you like it,” Seungmin singsongs. “I have one more request though.”

You tilt your head in excitement.

“I want you to be my date.”

Your smile falters, but Seungmin tug at your lips softly, gesturing at you to smile again. “Everyone will wear a mask and you’ll only take it off at midnight, so we can leave before midnight if you want. Besides, I’m just a guest. All eyes will be on Chan.”

“But what kind of dress am I supposed to wear? Everyone will—”

“Aren’t you a designer? You’ve sewed a lot of dresses, wear one of them.”

“But they’re not from designer brands, aren’t you ashamed?”

“I don’t care,” Seungmin tells you in the most caring tone. “You’re you, not Julia Choi. Not Felix Lee. Not Christopher Bang. And you’re not me.”

Flashbacks from your painful conversation two years ago come in a flash, but now both of you are looking at it from a whole different perspective. Your smile slowly returns, and Seungmin huffs a sigh of relief. “That’s my girl.”

“Can I tell you something too?”

He nods.

“There will be days when I’ll feel like I’ll never be good enough to succeed in anything,” you begin, biting your lip to prevent tears from falling. “I don’t let myself dwell on it most of the time, but sometimes I fail. Is that okay?”

Seungmin cradles your face, wiping your tears with his thumbs. “I’m here, aren’t I? I’ll knock some sense into you whenever you’re about to drown in self-pity!”

You pat his head in return, hoping that this Seungmin—the one whose eyes radiate sunshine and voice laced with honey, the one whose laugh sounds like a sweet melody—will be the Seungmin he shows to the rest of the world more.

Seungmin is still cradling your face, gaze flickering to your lips every now and then, triggering you to do glance at his lips in return. The pull is too tempting, you wonder if you should just crash your lips on his or let him decide for you.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” he whispers, barely audible. Your eyes flutter close, and Seungmin doesn’t waste any time. His lips meet yours in a fleeting kiss, making your breath hitch at how soft and burning his lips feel. Seungmin kisses you deeply, taking his time to savor you and you’re going insane at the way he clutches your waist, the way he hums everytime you pull him closer. It’s almost too much, yet at the same you know he’s still holding back as if he’s afraid that this is all just a fever dream.

“Seungmin, please.”

“Mhmm?” he tries to speak against your lips, hazy eyes gazing into yours.

“More,” you breathe out, determined to make him let go and kiss you the way he wishes to although you’re blushing like mad. “I’m not going anywhere, so just kiss me.”

“You sure?” he mutters, eyes waiting for your approval.

You close your eyes again, and right that moment you feel Seungmin’s lips move against yours. This time, he lets go. Hovering over you, he pours all the feelings he had suppressed for years into the kiss. You’re soon lost in all the love and passion he has for you, his every touch eating your skin alive. You’re lost in Seungmin, Seungmin, Seungmin and you hope he knows you feel the same.

“Stay still!” you yelp, fixing Seungmin’s mask as the limousine stops in front of the ballroom where the party is held. Mr. Song, Seungmin’s chauffeur, opens the door for both of you. You start to panic upon seeing reporters snapping photos of other guests entering the ballroom. Seungmin steps out, looking like His Royal Highness from a reputable kingdom.

He extends his hand to you. “Come on, love. Jisu and the others are already inside.”

The sound of shutters and the blinding flashes almost make you shut the door and tell Mr. Song to drive you home, but Seungmin reaches for your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours. “I’m here. You’ll be alright.”

Gathering some courage, you finally set your foot on the ground. Seungmin helps you with a gentle smile he knows will calm you down. He leads you inside, holding your hand a little tighter whenever someone seems to make you uncomfortable.

You spot Jisu from the gold feathery mask she showed you the night before and her signature high ponytail. A redheaded boy joined her with a drink in his hand, and you know for sure that it’s Felix. Everything at this party is grand, and by grand you mean people with diamond-studded dresses, a huge orchestra group, extravagant chandeliers, ice statues, and all kinds of foods and drinks you know absolutely nothing about.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks, releasing your hand to take a slice of chocolate cake that the waiter offers before handing it to you. Jisu squeals at the cake, taking the same cake from the waiter. You look at her in awe as she digs in right away. “How do you eat that at a place like this?” you hiss, earning a laugh from Felix.

“We’re here to enjoy ourselves, darling. Eat up!” he encourages you. You turn to Seungmin, who gives you a spoon. “Why? You love chocolate.”

You take a glance of everyone around you, nobody is eating. They’re either dancing or laughing or drinking. “Do you guys usually eat? Or are you doing this to make me comfortable?”

“We’re not some dukes and duchess Y/N. Wait, even dukes and duchess eat at parties. Shut up and enjoy your cake!” Jisu deadpans with a full mouth, causing you to laugh and do the same. Seungmin keeps his hand on the small of your back all the time, making sure you’re okay. After finishing your cake, he pulls you to the dance floor.

“No Seungmin, I’m not dancing with you,” you yell at him. Seungmin pretends not to hear you, his eyes glint with mischief. He puts your arms around his neck, then his own around your waist. You thank the heavens for the slow music because the last time you danced was in the second grade. Seungmin leads the dance, slowly backing you into a corner and pushes his mask up to plant a kiss on your lips.

“Been dying to do that.” He smirks at you as you glare at him, thankful that the mask is hiding your flushed cheeks. “Thank you for going with me. I know this isn’t your thing,” he adds, twirling you smoothly.

You scoff playfully, caressing his left cheek. “If you’re thankful, ride subway with me for the whole week.”

“Easy,” Seungmin, bringing your hand to his lips. “Your wish is my command, you know that, right?”

“All you need is tux and mask to become all flirty, huh? Did you dream to be a Disney prince?”

Seungmin shrugs, pulling you closer so you can rest your chin on his shoulder. The song comes to an end, switching to a more upbeat one when Seungmin’s phone vibrates. Though reluctantly, he takes the call and walks you to the water fountain near the salad bar.

“I’m at Mr. Bang’s party,” he says. “But Father—okay.”

The call ends just like that. Seungmin curses under his breath, wordlessly taking you back to where Jisu and Felix are standing. “I need to go now,” he breaks the news.

“Dude, you just arrived!” Felix protests.

“It’s my father,” Seungmin informs dryly. The redhead’s eyes become softer, and Jisu dismisses her cousin. “Don’t make him wait,” she urges him. “We’ll take care of Y/N. Who knows, she may find someone cooler than you.”

Seungmin looks at you with so much guilt, so you give him your most convincing smile. “Go. You can tell me about it later.”

After giving you one last “I’m sorry” look, he disappears into the crowd.

Felix cheers when the orchestra plays a song he knows. “Ohhh I love this song! Come on Y/N, time to rock the dance floor!”

As you’re about to pull Jisu along with you, Mr. Song walks toward you. He stops, bowing at the three of you. “Miss Y/N, Young Master asked me to take you.”

“Why? I thought Seungmin is meeting his father?”

“He does have some things to take care of, and you’ve been requested to join him.”

You glance at Jisu and Felix who tense at Mr. Song’s news. “Is this bad? What happened?” you try to ask, but Mr. Song only waits for you.

“It’s okay.” Felix rubs your shoulders. “Go with him.”

You nod. “See you guys later.”

Mr. Song guides you out like he knows the building by heart. Once you’re back inside the limousine, he enters the driver’s seat. “Is everything alright, Mr. Song?”

The old man smiles. “Young Master Seungmin is a very nice boy. He has clear goals and works hard to achieve them. And he wants to make you, especially, happy.”

He stops in front of an abandoned warehouse. You open the door before he does, taking off your heels while he holds the door for you. “Just give him a chance,” he says.

You quicken your pace when you hear someone scream. Peeking inside, you spot at least 10 men dressed in all-black surrounding a man who’s sitting on a chair, his hands tied and eyes blindfolded. Blood oozing from several parts of his body, his face completely bruised.

You look back to where Mr. Song is, but he only gestures at you to come inside. You slide the door a bit more to squeeze yourself in, looking up when you hear a familiar voice.

It’s Seungmin, swinging a baseball bat in his hand, his dress shirt stained with blood. “This will be the last time I ask you,” he hisses, sounding nothing like the Seungmin you know. “Tell me where the Hwangs’ secret hideout is. If not, I’m afraid I’ll have to change my weapon with something more impactful.”

One of the men hands him a gun. Seungmin takes it to the hostage, loading it near his ear. “I-I’ll tell you! Please spare me!”

The hostage goes on to provide all information that Seungmin needs. He swings his bat once again, hitting the hostage’s waist before throwing it again. You’re frozen to your spot, the whole event unfolding right before you feels like a stab on your heart. Seungmin runs his hand through his disheveled hair, then notices you standing there.

“What the fuck Y/N what are you doing here?!” he yells, voice shaky and raspy. Seungmin quickly turns around to his people, pointing at the hostage who’s lost his consciousness. “Take him away,” he commands lowly. “You’re all dismissed.”

The men drag the hostage’s body and leave the place quietly. Now, it’s just you and him facing each other. Seungmin is about to take your hand in his, but decides to stop himself when he realizes that they’re covered in blood.

“Did Mr. Song drive you here?”

You don’t answer. You can’t answer. Your body shakes as you involuntary recall how Seungmin beat the hostage up. The look in his eyes, his emotionless voice, the way he swung his bat without hesitation.

“What are you, Kim Seungmin?” you quiver, taking a step further from him. You need to get out, you need to be anywhere but here. You need something, anything that can make you forget what you just witnessed.

“Please,” Seungmin pleads. “Please Y/N. I’ll tell you everything. Please listen to me.”

“This is what you’ve been trying to hide from me? The fact that you torture people to get what you want?!”

Seungmin eventually grabs your hands, begging you to look at him. “I’m looking for other ways, love,” he utters. “But for now I have to do whatever my father says. His words are law, but I’ve vowed to myself that it won’t be like this for too long. I’ll stop him.”

You swat his hands away. “For years you made me think that we couldn’t be together because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, that no matter what I did I would never be good enough, that I would never be able to fit in. It turns out you’re just saving yourself, aren’t you Kim Seungmin? You only care about yourself!”

“How am I supposed to tell you that this is me, Y/N? How am I supposed to tell you that this is how my family lives? Would you—,” he pauses, wiping his tear-stained cheeks. “Would you even spare me a glance if you knew that I’m no better than a murderer?!”

“That’s up to me to decide!” you shout. “You don’t get to make decisions for me, Seungmin, but you didn’t even give me a choice in the first place!”

When he runs out of words to say, you force your body to turn around, exiting the warehouse with your last bit of strength left. Mr. Song is waiting for you, your heels ready for you to wear. You slip into them, refusing to look into his eyes when he offers you help.

You feel Seungmin’s eyes on you as you walk away. Even after what happened, you can’t help but return his gaze. He looks broken and lost—on other days, you would have run to him and took him into your arms.

But now is not the time, no matter how desperate you are for answers. You turn on your heels, your heart shattering into pieces as you remember the question Seungmin asked you in Busan.

“Do you trust me?”

Jisu’s maid pushes a trolley full of snacks and drinks into her room. You politely refuse everything, but your friend pours herself a glass of champagne, chugging it down in one go. She lets out a dejected sigh once the maid leaves the room, glancing at you warily.

“I’m so, sorry Y/N,” she whispers. “I can’t believe his father did that to you.”

“Did he really send me there so I could see Seungmin like that? And you knew about this?”

“I didn’t!” Jisu exclaims. “I mean, I do get the gist what his father does, but I never knew it was that bad. And I didn’t know he asked Seungmin to do all the dirty deeds himself. That man and his greed.”

Jisu sits beside you. “The way Seungmin’s family runs the law firm changed since his father took over,” she explains. “I guess this is why he wins every single case now. He does literally everything to win, and he expects Seungmin to do things his way later.”

“Has Seungmin ever told you this?”

“No,” she mumbles. “I know Seungmin’s been stressed high school, but I never knew this was the reason. He’s seeing his therapist almost every day, Y/N. I thought you would help him and vice versa. I know the two of you have liked each other since forever. I’m sorry.”

You wrap your arms around her. “You’ve been nothing but sweet to us. You, Felix, Chan… you guys are my everything.”

“How about Seungmin?” Jisu starts sobbing. “I’ll respect your decision whatever it is, but what are you going to do now?”

You try to clear your mind, imagining how you and Seungmin will be if you live without each other. Will you be able to bear the unimaginable pain? Will he?

“Jisu, do you know if Seungmin’s parents are home?”

“No, they’re in Paris with my Mom.”

“Then can you drive me to his place?”

The Kim family butler takes you to Seungmin’s bedroom. He knocks the door, waiting for a while before opening it when nobody answers. The big room is empty, but the attic ladder is pulled down. “Young Master likes to spend his time in the attic. He probably fell asleep there,” the butler says.

You nod, thanking him before climbing up. The attic is neat and warm, with Seungmin’s photos decorating the walls. Several dog plushies are placed on a small wooden rack, while some get special spots near his mattress.

You lie down beside him, taking a good look of his sleeping form. He’s no longer covered in blood (which definitely makes things easier for you), and his steady breathing calms you down within seconds. You wonder how it feels like having to sacrifice everything in order to have everything. You think about how Seungmin wakes up in fear everyday, waiting for his father’s cruel orders.

“Y/N?”

Seungmin blinks at you, squinting to make sure that it’s really you. “Hi. Your butler let me in.”

He scrambles to get up, but you stop him. “Lie down. You must be tired.”

You scoot closer to him, feeling his body tense up when you circle your arms around his torso. “You can tell me everything now.”

Seungmin begins his story, explaining how his father never says no to clients, no matter how impossible their cases are to win. He often works with his clients to eliminate everyone in their way, using any methods possible. When Seungmin started high school, his father told him to watch how the law firm worked, and eventually forced him to do things by himself so he would “toughen up” and “understand how business works.”

“Mr. Song has been helping me form plans to end this. He’s Father’s most trusted person, so he knows everything. I still do fact checks, of course. I’m trying to be as careful as possible. I’m trying to take down my own father, and if I take even a step wrong, it’ll be over for Mother and I.”

You sigh, burying your face in the crook of his neck as you pat his back softly. Seungmin keeps his hands to his side the whole time, afraid to cross the line although you’re glued to him.

“Father has ears everywhere Y/N. He probably knows how serious I am with you and wanted to test you. I’m sorry you had to see all of that.”

“Test me?”

“Yeah. Whoever decides to stay with me after knowing everything will earn his approval.”

“Has anybody else gone through that?”

“No,” he answers. “Believe it or not, you’re my first girlfriend.”

You raise your eyebrow. “Believe it or not? Of course I do, it’s obvious that you had no dating experience!”

“Y/N,” he calls out. “You’re here to say goodbye, right?”

Seungmin has pulled you away, sitting up and waiting for you to do the same. “It’s okay. If I were you, I’d be so disgusted at myself too. Don’t think about me, just think about what’s best for you.”

“You never… killed anyone, right?”

He shakes his head. “I’ll never do that. You have my words.”

“I trust you, Seungmin,” you state. “I asked myself again and again, but my answer remains the same. You’re not a bad person and I trust you. I know you by heart, and I’ll love you as long as I can.”

You wish you could promise only boy you’ve ever loved an eternal love—it sounds beautiful, something that lasts forever. But you know better than to give Seungmin empty promises. He’ll probably break your heart if life doesn’t allow him to change his world, but you’re willing to take the risk.

Seungmin releases the breath he seemed to be holding for the past few minutes. “That’s my girl,” he praises. “That’s all I could ask for.”

“Let’s only think about now, okay? You’re not alone anymore, you have me.”

You cup his cheeks and capture him in a loving kiss, basking in the warmth of his body when he scoops you into his arms. Seungmin’s gestures still feel hesitant, but you convince him with every kiss, with every sweet word you utter against his lips until he finally melts and kisses you harder, each kiss more ardent than before.

“You’re never lacking in my eyes, don’t forget that,” Seungmin tells you, enunciating each word clearly so you’ll let it sink in. “You’ve always been more than enough. Everything I could ask for.”

You only grin, pecking his swollen lips one more time before allowing yourself to fall asleep, listening to his heartbeat.

Both of you let your own images of the future loom over you for so long, feeding yourselves with doubt and fear.

Now it’s time to let go.  

more a/n: i spent a long time writing this, i hope this is still good and not boring! i’m happy that my first story in 2020 is for seungmin. the ending is somewhat bittersweet, but it was the only option that felt right to me.  

[exdeotm]

river  boyet  mercado  .    empty  church  pews  underneath  heavy  moonlit  stained  glass  –  save  for  one  disheveled  head  of  brown  curls  bent  down  in  furrowed  prayer  at  the  front  ,  careful  attentiveness  as  bread  dough  is  molded  by  bruised  &  calloused  hands  –  masked  as  care  &  kindness  behind  attentive  eyes  &  soothing  smiles  –  but  always  bordering  on  insistent  distraction  from  something  unspoken  ,  &  the  sound  of  a  strained  gasp  accompanied  by  the  stillness  of  a  room  after  being  awoken  from  a  noiseless  ,  boundless  nightmare  .

rumor  .    his  mother  is  currently  serving  life  in  prison  for  murdering  her  husband  &  attempting  to  murder  her  fourteen  -  year  -  old  son  .

out  of  character  .  aubs  ,  twenty  -  one  ,  she  /  her  ,  est  ,  &  i  would  live  &  die  for  andy  dufresne  from  shawshank  redemption  .  i  watch  speed  racer  (  2008  )  unironically  &  it’s  one  of  my  favorite  films  of  all  time  ,  barbie  in  the  nutcracker  is  unequivocally  the  best  barbie  film  &  i’ll  take  that  statement  with  me  to  my  mf  grave  ,  &  sam  giddings  &  josh  washington  deserve  it  all  .  idk  what  ‘  it  ’  entails  but  .  .  .  they  deserve  it  .

✷   *   ˚   𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑒  𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜  𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒  𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔  /  𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔  𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑤   .   ˚   *  

nickname  .    riv  .

character  inspiration  .    frank  castle  (  the  punisher  )  ,  charlie  (  perks  of  being  a  wallflower  )  ,  billy  loomis  (  scream  franchise  )  ,  ben  hanscom  /  richie  tozier  /  stanley  uris  lovechild  (  it  )  ,  gordie  lachance  (  stand  by  me  )  ,  theodore  (  her  )  ,  eduardo  saverin  (  the  social  network  )  ,  &  andy  dufresne  (  shawshank  redemption  )  .

age  .    thirty  -  six  .  

pronouns  .    he  &  him  .

orientation  .    bisexual  .

occupation  .    baker  at  golden  grain  bakery  .

frequents  .    silver  fox  motel  .  he  frequents  the  motel  for  wholeheartedly  sentient  &  selfish  reasons  .  the  town’s  ambience  has  him  in  its  clenched  fist  ,  &  he  knows  he’s  incapable  of  moving  permanently  in  any  capacity  .  however  ,  whenever he needs rest  because  he’s  feeling  the  insomnia  hit  particularly  hard  (  thanks  to  his  record  with  sleep paralysis  &  trauma  /  ptsd  surrounding  being  in  a  homely  environment  as  an  adult  when  his  last  real  childhood  memory  of  his  own  home  is  one  that  feels  horror  movie  -  esque  )  .

tattoos  .    n  /  a  .

face claim  .    bob  morley  .

zodiac  .    aries  sun  ,  pisces  moon  ,  &  sagittarius  rising  .

alignment  .    lawful  good  .

hogwarts  house  .    hufflepuff  .

demeanor  .    he’s  an  incredibly   smiley  person  .  his  gut  instinct  is  charitableness  &  kindness  ,  so  he  often  acts  humbly  /  selflessly  first  &  thinks  later  .  you’ll often find him speaking softly  ,  letting others talk over him  ,  telling jokes only when it’s his turn to speak  ,  being wooed by people the moment they so much as ring the bell walking in  &  offer them a sugary good morning  ,  etc  .  he’s a fool for love who won’t let himself have it because he’s worried it’ll never be real  ,  people switch up too fast  ,  etc  .  however  ,  he’s  simultaneously  a  mess  when  it  comes  to  his  warring  avoidant  &  protective  personality traits  .  he’s the kind of person who will be as soft  -  spoken but forward as he can possibly be during a conversation in order to avoid conflict  ,  but the moment he senses he’s losing he’ll hold on even tighter  &  transition into the overprotective river who doesn’t want anybody to set foot inside what he thinks is his business  &  will go to extremes to make sure someone he loves is safe  --  even if that means walling them in  &  making them resent him  .  he doesn’t understand what it means to balance his need to keep people safe  &  his will to keep himself comfortable by inciting a small conflict in an attempt to stay out of a bigger one  .

positive traits  .    vigilant  /  protective  ,  soft  -  spoken  ,  &  selfless  .

negative  traits  .    aversive  /  avoidant  ,  mendacious  ,  &  fickle  .

phobias  .    the  dark  ,  daunting  changes  &  shifts  in  moods  that  go  unspoken  of  ,  dreams  wherein  he’s  unable  to  scream  ,  large  /  over  -  sized  safes  ,  &  dead  silence  that  lacks  any  kind  of  white  noise  (  he  enjoys  sleeping  at  the  motel  because  he’s  more  apt  to  hear  cars  driving  by  ,  doors  closing  ,  sinks  turning on  ,  etc  )  .

drug  use  .    rarely  .  he  was  never  the  type  of  kid  who  jumped  at  the  thought  of  experimenting  ,  &  that  tendency  to  say  no  trailed  into  his  life  as  an  adult  .  he  was  always  concerned  with  not  being  a  nuisance  to  anyone  ,  which  included  making  sure  he  was  always fully  capable  of  working  &  not  getting  caught  up  in  how  addicted  he  knows  he’ll  get  to  being  under  the  influence  .

alcohol  use  .    rarely  .  see  above  for  an  explanation  !

diet  .    poor  but  consistent  .  river  spends  as  little  time  at  home  as  possible  ,  so  his  diet  largely  consists  of  food  he  bakes  or  diner  runs  .  he’s  the  type  of  diner  regular  who  sits  at  the  same  booth  every  time  ,  orders  the  same  thing  for  dinner  every  night  ,  is  way  too  kind  to  his  waitstaff  ,  &  overtips  everyone  who  had  a  part  in  serving  him  .  he  loves  waffles  &  prefers  sweet  tea  .  he  could  easily  be  a  southern  dime  if  canadian  blood  wasn’t  already  coursing  through  his  kindly  veins  .

physical or mental disabilities  .  he  had  to  have  a  left  -  side  brain  tumor  that  was  impacting  his  ability  to  hear  removed  as  a  kid  (  it  was  removed  when  he  was  seventeen  )  ,  &  has  been  slowly  but  progressively  regaining  his  hearing  in  his  left  ear  ever  since  ;  although  he  only  experiences  a  mild  form  of  his  previous  auditory  function  difficulties  ,  he  still  signs  at  work  or  in  front  of  people  who  know  him  --  especially  when  standing  at  a distance  from  someone  ,  &  ptsd  stemming  from  his  mother’s  outburst  when  he  was  fourteen  .  

birthplace  .    radisson  ,  alberta  ,  canada  .

has  he  experienced  strange  radisson  happenings  ?    he’ll  tell  you  all  day  that  he  hasn’t  ,  but  he  definitely  has  .

family  .     

christopher  &  cora  mercado  :  the  mercado  family  was  ,  at  no  point  in  time  ,  picturesque  .  the  mercado  family  loved  each  other  ,  absolutely  ,  but  river’s  parents  were  still  both  the  type  who’d  go  around  in  circles  with  each  other  in  public  --  all  the  while  ignoring  their  son  as  he  walked  in  front  of  them  .  his  mother  was  in  no  way  stable  ,  but  river  was  far  too  young  to  understand  what  exactly  her  violent  outbursts  entailed  .  to  river  ,  his  father  was  always  the  collected  one  .  they  often  left  river  home  alone  .  one  night  when  river  was  fourteen  ,  he  woke  up  (  after  his  parents  had  been  gone  all  day  )  to  his  father  shaking  him  awake  (  his  left  side  --  his  particularly  bad  ear  ,  especially  at  the  time  )  &  rushing  him  to  get  up  &  be  quiet  .  as  far  as  river  could  tell  ,  his  father  was  on  the  phone  with  the  police  waiting  for  an  in  -  person  response  but  keeping  the  line  busy  .  his  father  left  the  room  for  a  moment  to  check  to  see  if  the  coast  to  the  car  was  clear  &  river  never  saw  him  again  afterward  .  sharp  scuffling  ensued  behind  the  door  ,  &  there  was  no  moment  of  hesitation  after  the  scuffling  dulled  before  there  was  an  insistent  banging  on  river’s  door  .  the  only  thing  that  saved  him  ,  at  the  end  of  the  night  ,  was  river’s  fight  -  or  -  flight  response  to  lock  his  bedroom  door  .  the  police  arrived  about  an  hour  later  &  found  mrs.  mercado  rampaging  blindly  around  the  house  ,  mr.  mercado  stabbed  to  death  in  the  kitchen  ,  &  river  mercado  hiding  under  his  bed  covering  his  ears  .  river  never  went  to  visit  his  mother  in  prison  ,  &  still  hasn’t  spoken  to  her  since  .

education  .    he  went  to  public  school  in  radisson  for  the  duration  of  his  early  youth  &  has  worked  at  the  bakery  since  he  was  fifteen  --  a  year  after  being  placed  in  a  foster  home  .  by  the  time  river  was  eighteen  ,  he  was  living  in  a  small  house  on  his  own  &  hasn’t  left  his  bakery  --  diner  --  home  routine  since  .

languages  .    english  ,  asl  ,  &  tagalog  .