#couldnt ive been born in like spain or something

[beingofstars]

i should be able to live in europe so i can go to art museums :(

[bastilletyler]

i know nobody checks these anymore except maybe claudia when shes online . hey girl i love u im rooting for u always u beautiful soul . anyway things have CHANGED!!!! i finally started going to therapy in feb 19 . jan changed my life she believes in me and she thinks that i can do whatever i want and she warms my heart. she thinks that im going to change the world and even if i dont believe it its very comforting to think that someone believes in me even slightly. my depersonalization hasnt gone away. in fact it has gotten stronger. i went to spain in july and everything went to shit when i came back bc my reality felt fucked up. i didnt enjoy spain as much as i thought i would because i was so numb and nothing really felt real bc of my dpdr. shit sucks. but its fine ive decided that its whatever and that everyone lives life subjectively anyway so why should i worry that my reality is different from everyone elses???? things have been looking up a bit . im still in school but now idk what the fuck to do with my life but at least i got a dog. her name is frida she was born january 24/2018 so shes v young or whatever. but now i have a newfound fear of her dying and i think about the day that she will inevitably die and i get really sad. i think about the fact that everyone around me will die, too. especially my grandmas and my parents and i dont ever see myself getting out of losing them. i told jan about it and she said we all get through stuff and that im not alone but i always forget. even when i was starting high school i always worried i would end up homeless as if i didnt have 4 sisters, 2 parents and like 70 cousins. i dont knpw why my mind always thinks that im completely alone in this world. i thought about suicide again. its like it happens every 6 months or so but this time it wasnt about killing myself but more like, what the fuck am i here for? i feel like if i died no one would care and some would not even notice. and not even in a sad way, more of a realization way. why do i do?anything? whats the point? i worked at burger king for over 2 years but the environment began to get toxic so i quit. i couldnt stand being there another day. i have one more workday to go and its goodbye bk!not only does it go totally against my morals of not killing other liviing things but it also made me miserable being around those people. it began to eat away at my mind. so idk what im gonna do for now but i dont rly care. i needed to break away from that and im sure ill find something more. i get along with my dad now and i love this earth more than ever before. i guess ill start there to see where that will take me . hopefully somewhere where ill finally know what happiness feels like again. i miss the feeling even . if i dont even know what the feeing is like.