#crafty laments

[anywaymuahahahaha]

Hello. I would like to take a moment to talk about the mental health struggles I have been facing in the last year and especially in the last few weeks. I will issue a content warning as this could be heavy and a little sensitive as well.

I don’t talk about this very much, but I suffer from BPD. It has been affecting me since I was a teenager. I try my best to keep it to myself and avoid socials when I’m having an episode but I think I may owe some of my friends and other people an explanation and an apology.

I am coming down from an almost two week long episode. I won’t go into details of what my episodes are like because everyone is different but if you or anyone you know suffer from BPD you know all too well what they are like. It’s not pretty. I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, having an episode feels like being trapped in a world that doesn’t want me here. It’s scary, it’s sad and it’s lonely. One of my biggest defense mechanisms is self isolation. I will completely detach from reality and essentially hide in a void for long periods of time, ignoring the friends and my family that care about me. It looks like I don’t want you in my life anymore but it’s simply not the case. I have shut down a lot this year and especially in the last few weeks. My emotions can be very strong and very powerful and sometimes even dangerous. When you’re having an episode you have no impulse control. At all. It feels like you are possessed.

Living with this has been devastating to my life, my friendships, my motivation and my mental and physical health. I have not sought treatment over fear that I will be institutionalized or given medication that will completely change who I am.

I have come to realize that I cannot thrive like this. I cannot live like this anymore. I am going to ruin my life if I don’t seek help. I just want to take this moment to apologize to my friends and others who have felt like I pushed them away. I’m not using this as an excuse, my words can’t undo my actions I just hope it helps you understand. I am sorry to cause you anxiety, stress or any other feelings of sadness. Unfortunately sometimes my social anxiety and my depression can make it difficult for me to reach out and talk to folks sometimes and it may give off an impression that I dislike you or something. I am so sorry if I have ever made you feel that way. I am working on myself. It’s the least I can for the folks who care about me.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you understand me a little better now. I want to thank everyone for the kind words and messages of support during this difficult year for me. It means a lot to have you in my life.

To my friends, you mean EVERYTHING to me

To anyone who has ever sent me a kind DM and never got a reply from me- you mean EVERYTHING to me.

Again, I am sorry to anyone I have hurt. I will do my best to seek help so that I can be not only a better friend, but a better person.

-Crafty 🫶🏻