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[cannedsoupsucks]

Don't go into the water!

The Lost Island

Chapter 4 - Falling

Summary: Marcus is fighting against himself, and trying to help him turns out to be a mistake.

Author's Note: This is late and I apologize for that. I'm fighting some demons of my own and they steal my inspiration now and then.

Rating: Mature 18+ONLY Warnings: cursing, angst, near-death experience, anger, shame, guilt. Word Count: 4360 Masterlist (this story) Author’s Masterlist

You fell with your eyes wide open, watching the ground rise up to meet you, stupidly trying to work out where you’d land, what piece of vegetation or rock you’d be crushed against. Your heart kept racing, but your body felt ice cold and somehow the air seemed to pass too quickly for you to manage to pull it into your lungs. Which was probably why you didn’t scream, but you did flail, throwing your arms and legs around to try and keep yourself facing the ground.

You had no idea why you needed to see it, but you did, even though it was so terrifying that your own mind was trying to escape into happy memories instead, drawing up images from your childhood and the joys you’d shared with family and friends. Why did it take so fucking long? You hadn’t been thirty thousand feet up this time, but still it seemed to take longer to reach the bottom than it had when the plane fell. And if you were about to meet your end, you’d rather get it over with. But then a pressure suddenly seemed to rise from the ground, breaking your fall until you stopped in mid-air again, still maybe fifty feet up. It kept building until you started rising back up, and you wondered if Marcus really had lost his mind altogether, wanting to torture you by making you relive this experience, over and over. It wasn’t until he’d deposited you back on the edge of the cliff, just a few feet away from his now exhausted self, that you began to hope that he might have changed his mind. He was on his hands and knees, shaking hard either with muscle fatigue or fear, and he was crying. You felt his power disappear the same moment that you hit the ground, and he slumped, crying even harder once he didn’t need to concentrate any more. And you cried too. Mostly because of the stress and horror you’d just suffered, and the relief to be alive, but also with the sorrow of knowing that you really had some blame to bear for all this. The tribe had apparently realized that something was wrong, because a group of them soon came running up the mountain, and Nani came to your side, wrapping her arms around you, while Akela walked up to Marcus and kneeled next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. It was Nani that spoke first, though.

“What happened?”

Your tear-filled eyes lingered on Marcus’s bowed head, and you probably should have been angry, but you just weren’t. Drained and sad and regretful, but not angry. What you felt more than anything else, was sorrow, and a slight urge to protect him, for some reason. Perhaps because the tribe were still strangers, and you had no idea of their customs or rules for attempted murder. And you weren’t nearly callous enough towards the Heroic to wish for any harm to come to him. You might be suspicious of his endless kindness, but you didn’t truly hate him. He just had a knack for getting under your skin.

“I fell. Marcus saved me.”

But Akela wasn’t so easily persuaded. He seemed to have a way of seeing into people, rather than just at them. Something that was uncomfortable, but somehow also comforting, because it made it hard to lie to him. You weren’t lying right now, though, and he knew that.

“That’s not the whole truth, Mana.”

You just kept looking at your colleague, at the defeat in his frame and the pain that positively radiated from his being. No matter what happened next, Marcus would suffer for this. His good heart would torture him, you knew it would, so it made no difference what punishments anyone else might decide to inflict on him.

“It’s the only part that matters.”

Your words were true to you, so the older man couldn’t argue with them. Moreno had tried to kill you, yes, but he’d also stopped, saving himself as much as you, and that really was all that mattered. In your work, you’d had to learn to brush off the excess adrenaline and lingering shock of coming close to death, and this was no different. The images and sensations of falling like that, would haunt your dreams for a while, but it would pass over time. For you. You weren’t sure if it ever would for him.

Over the next few days, you learned all about the island and the aggressive mere-people that had trapped the tribe there, helping you understand Marcus’s rage even more. It was preposterous, forcing people they didn’t want on the island, to stay on the island. It made no sense. But you supposed that they’d imagined the tribe would die off fairly quickly, which would’ve solved their problem. But these Hawaiians were hardy people, and islanders to begin with. They wouldn’t give up easily. Your hosts had brought you to their village, on the northwest side of the mountain, closer to the centre of the island, and it was impressive, especially when you considered that this was a tribe of only about fifty people. They’d built entire houses, one for each family, and not one of the buildings was what you’d consider tiny. Almost all of them had come to help the two of you when you’d been spotted heading up the mountain, but the oldest had stayed behind with the children, while the rest of the tribe decided if you could be trusted or not. They’d obviously come to a decision on that, since you were now regularly attacked by the village children, and their thousand and one questions about the outside world, and you wished that Marcus would help you with them. You’d never been around kids that much, and you felt unsure about everything. What to say, how to say it, when to just shut up or change the subject… He was a father, and a really good one, and you were sure he’d be great with these wide-eyed kids. You’d been in the village for three days, and in that time, you’d barely even seen him. He kept to himself, staying at the outskirts of the village, refusing to talk to anyone. But he did accept food and water, so at least he wasn’t trying to starve or kill himself, in some misguided kind of penance. The children never bothered him, so you assumed that the adults had warned them to stay away from him. Though you weren’t sure if it was because they could see that he needed space, or if they were worried that he might not treat them well.

“Hey, Mana.”

“Hi, Nani.”

“You look like you’re thinking about the great mysteries of life. Mind if I join you?”

At the middle of the village there was a large fireplace surrounded by wooden benches. Even though it was outside, it served as their common room, used for anything where most or all of them wanted or needed to meet. Right now it was just you that sat there, and you gestured for her to sit down next to you.

“I’m just worried about my colleague. What is it you call him?”

“Kahele.”

“Why? What does that mean?”

“Something tells me that you might not be ready to know that yet.”

That made no sense to you, but her expression was genuine and warm, and since you’d only asked out of curiosity, you decided to let it go.

“You’re still calling me Mana, even though I’m not in need of healing anymore.”

“There’s more than one type of healing. But you’re right, it isn’t customary for us to keep that name attached to anyone past the healing process. It would seem my father sees more in you than he’s saying.”

“Wait, Akela’s your father? I didn’t clock that.”

“He’s a strange man. Hard to grasp, even for me.”

“I’ll say. He seems almost… magic.”

You suspected that the Chief could be a super, but that gene hadn’t been discovered fifty years ago, so there was no way the tribe could know about supers. And given how strong their spiritual beliefs were, you felt reluctant to try and convince them that some of the magic in this world didn’t come from Gods of either land or sea. Also, who could say with any certainty that it didn’t?

“He’s always had a way of seeing things that others can’t. He doesn’t think of it as anything strange or unusual, he thinks that everyone could learn to do it if we just learned to see with our souls and not our eyes.”

“Sounds simple enough.”

She chuckled at that.

“Doesn’t it? I don’t know how he does it, and I doubt I ever will, but I do know that there’s power in names, and the ones he’s given you and your friend are very strong ones. He chose them with care and even if we don’t understand his reasoning, we have to respect it.”

“Well, whatever Kahele means, he’s not doing so good.”

“No. He’s suffering badly. He won’t talk to us, but I think you know why he’s feeling like this.”

“I have a pretty good idea, based on what I know about him, but I doubt I could help him.”

“Why not?”

“Because my perception of him has always been a bit… skewed. I don’t see him the same way everyone else does, even though I have no reason not to.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I, really. I’ve just never trusted him, and I don’t know why, but that feeling has been strong enough to make me relentlessly provoke him, looking for some reaction to something that I don’t even know what it is, and which might only exist in my own head. And even though I know that, even though I know he’s done nothing to me, I still picked a fight with him on the plane. It was my fault we crashed, and now he’ll never see his family again.”

She looked out over the village while she thought about your words.

“So, he’s angry with you. He blames you for getting stranded here?”

“Yeah.”

“And you think that’s fair of him?”

“I think we both bear the blame, but unlike him, I have nothing to lose. So, maybe he’s right.”

“Mana… please don’t deflect the question again. Tell me, was it Kahele that pushed you off that cliff before he saved you?”

You hesitated, but then decided that maybe it was better if she knew. If someone knew.

“He was out of his mind with heartbreak and rage…”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, it doesn’t, but it also doesn’t make him evil.”

“It takes a lot of darkness to make your body capable of pushing someone off a mountain. We’re not naturally murderous beings.”

“You don’t know what’s happened to him before this. He lost his wife a few years ago. His daughter is his whole world, and if his heart decided that I’m the reason he’ll never see her again, then that darkness makes as much sense as anything else.”

“He tried to kill you.”

“No. He tried to kill himself. And I’m not so sure that he didn’t succeed.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nani, to the outside world Marcus is a hero. He helps people for a living, that’s who he is. He’s never mean to anyone, he never breaks any rules, he’s never even gotten a parking ticket. But he tried to kill me. What do you think that does to a man like that?”

Her eyes turned soft and sad as she took in the meaning of your words.

“I would think it eats him up from the inside.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t understand… you said that you don’t trust him, but you’re sitting here defending him, even after he did something horrible to you. Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’ve always wanted to trust him, otherwise I wouldn’t have worked so hard on trying to figure out what it is that bugs me about him.”

You leaned forwards, putting your elbows on your knees and letting your head fall into your hands.

“I have absolutely no credible reason to distrust him, but I still can’t stop feeling like there’s something about him I’m missing.”

She was quiet for a few beats before responding.

“Sometimes, our bodies know things that our brains don’t. Perhaps you sense something in him that other people can’t.”

You sighed and pulled back up to sitting upright.

“I really hope not.”

“Why?”

You took your time to find the right words before answering her. To make sure she understood.

“Because I need him to be a good guy. I need my suspiciousness to be proven unnecessary, because if Marcus Moreno turns out to have true evil inside of him, then this world really is doomed.”

She put her hand on top of yours, now resting on your thigh, squeezing it for a moment before she got up and walked away, apparently having decided that you needed some time alone with your thoughts, for now. You thought about calling after her, just to ask her not to repeat what you’d said to anyone else, but you didn’t. You were a stranger to them, after all, so if they felt the need to share what you said among themselves in order to better understand you, then that was no more than fair. You were quite surprised with yourself for being so comfortable and unsuspicious around these strangers, when normally, you would’ve questioned everything about them and everything they said, from the moment you met them. But you’d never been in a situation like this before and having friends and allies might be your only hope of surviving on this island, so maybe your kneejerk scepticism had taken a backseat for now. Or, maybe nearly dying had changed your perspective for the time being. You stayed there for a while, just looking at the tribe as they went about their day. The island was volcanic and therefor boasted very fertile land, but the Hawaiians still couldn’t grow anything, simply because they didn’t have and seeds from any type of food-producing plants. The edible plants that grew wild on the island were abundant enough that no farming was needed to sustain them, and there were enough palm trees to produce more than enough coconuts for everyone each year. But there were no animals of any kind, not even bugs, which seemed like an evolutionary impossibility. Perhaps the Kaiaka had something to do with that. At this point, you were about ready to blame them for everything, just to have something to shift your own guilt onto.

<><><><><>

Marcus was still boiling inside, but for different reasons now. The anger had faded into despair, a feeling that didn’t burn so much as darken his heart, making everything seem cold and colourless. But what was now consuming his being in a hurricane of fire, was the guilt. The guilt of having left his only child without a parent. Her grandmother would care for her, he knew that, but it would still have a tremendous effect on Missy to spend her teenage years without real parents. She had a strong heart and a smart and level head on her shoulders, and she’d be okay, he was sure of it, but that didn’t make it feel like any less of an abandonment. And then there was you… He wanted to hate you so much, wanted to blame you for absolutely everything, and he almost had. He’d almost managed to convince himself that you were a demon in disguise, and that if he just got rid of you, everything would somehow be fine. He’d never felt rage like that before that moment. He’d been angry and there had been times when he’d taken it out on his enemies, but never like this. Never with the intent to kill. The power that had shot through him when he’d hurled you into the sky had been ten times stronger than anything he’d managed before, and that scared him. But what scared him even more than that, was that he’d gotten that angry to begin with. Because he hadn’t felt it coming. It was like he’d been possessed or something, unable to recognise his own responses or feelings or reactions, suddenly just overloading in every way imaginable. And if it could happen once then it could happen again, and what if he didn’t manage to gain control of himself the next time? All of that churned around in his mind, making him feel sick and weak, but what really made him disgusted with himself, was the eternal echo in his ears of the way you’d responded to his cruelty.

Marcus saved me.

You’d forgiven him. Right after, while you were still terrified and shocked, and you’d meant it. You’d sounded frightened and frail, but somehow not angry at all, even though he’d unjustly blamed you and then tried to kill you. You’d forgiven him without question. Why? Even if Akela was right, and you didn’t really hate him, you still would’ve had more than enough cause to rail against his actions for the rest of your life. He wouldn’t have thought it unfair if you’d beaten him to a pulp once he’d dropped you back on the cliff. But you just… didn’t. You didn’t do anything but accept what he’d done. And it baffled him. He’d only seen you from afar since that day, too scared of himself to get any closer to you, but he’d seen how quickly you’d recovered. How you smiled and awkwardly tried to play along with the children, clearly having no idea what to do, but trying your best to make them laugh and have fun all the same. You weren’t scared. Not of him, not of the island or the tribe, not even of the prospect of never going home. But when he watched you from the shadows, when you were alone, you were so sad. You didn’t cry, but the sadness filled your frame until it looked like you might break in half, something he’d never seen from you before. He’d been wrong to call you selfish that day, because he knew damn well that you considered your task of keeping everyone under your care safe, the most important thing in your life. He didn’t know much about your personal life, but he knew that you were on duty every single day of the week, all year, sometimes pulling double shifts to make sure that everyone was safe, before you left the building after an event. And that kind of commitment didn’t leave much space for anything personal. Caring for everyone else was all you ever did, so perhaps you really had meant it when you took the blame for stranding you both there, despite all the animosity that he was certain you still had against him. Which would mean there was a good chance that the sadness he saw in you now, was your own guilt. But you’d been so wrong to take that stance, because he was just as much to blame as you, and you knew that. You had to know that. Seeing your regret eat away at you, even though he was the one that had overreacted and been unspeakably cruel, made him feel wretched inside. This was not the kind of person Marcus was. He was kind and considerate and maybe too much of a pushover, but at least he wasn’t a bully or a narcissist. But now that he sat there in his little hideaway under the shading leaves of some large plant or perhaps small tree, just outside the village, for the first time since he’d been a teenager, he doubted the goodness of his own heart. And that scared him even worse than the ferociousness of his rage or the terrifying scope of his powers. How had he become this monster?

“Can I talk to you?”

He flinched as he heard your voice, almost reflexively trying to move away from you, even though you were still a good twelve feet away while you waited for his answer. He wasn’t sure if he could talk to you, he could barely even look at you, turning his head away the moment after he’d realised who had approached him. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t listen. He owed you at the very least that much. He nodded, and you took a few steps closer before sitting down opposite him. There were plants everywhere, but those in between you were small and well out of your line of sight.

“First off, I just want you to know that I’m not angry with you.”

Fuck. Straight off the bat you hit him with a question he couldn’t control his reaction to, and self-loathing flooded his blood and made his temper flare, which was exactly what he was afraid of. But he still didn’t manage to stop himself from setting his hard eyes on you and letting the words spill.

“Don’t say that. You should be angry with me, I tried to kill you. For fuck’s sake, you should hate me!”

Great. He was already angry. But also amazed that you didn’t shy away from him.

“Well, I don’t. And there’s no need to yell. I get that you’re hurting right now, undoubtedly more than I can even imagine, and I’m sorry for the part I played in stranding us here. But your anger is your own, and if you can’t deal with it, then either finish what you started or let it go.”

He huffed, more in frustration than anger.

“It’s that easy, is it?”

“No. There’s not a single shred of all this that’s easy, but the fact is: we’re alive. And as long as we are, there’s hope. We’ve only been here a week, who’s to say we won’t be able to negotiate with the Kaiaka down the line? Your powers are incredible, I’ve never seen you this strong before, so maybe you can persuade them to let us go. Or if they won’t, maybe you can force them to. Are you seriously telling me that you’re prepared to just roll over and die just because someone might try and stop you from going home?”

You were so calm and confident when you spoke, and he suddenly felt completely idiotic. How was it that he hadn’t even considered any of this? While he’d been busy convincing himself that everything was lost and looking for any way to relieve the pain of what was thus far only an imagined loss, you’d been doing what you always did. You’d assessed your situation and started looking for solutions, strategies, plans, options.

“What’s happened to you, Marcus? You’re a leader and a fighter and a hero. When did you become a quitter?”

All anger fell away as if by magic, and all that remained was the guilt and the sadness, bringing tears to his eyes and a terrible pressure over his chest while he stared at you, so confused that he didn’t even know what he felt anymore. He leaned back against the plant and buried his face in his hands, pulling up his knees and trying his best not to let himself succumb to absolute despair. He felt so ashamed. Warm arms encircled his shoulders from the side as you pulled him into a hug, and like a little boy seeking solace from his mother’s embrace, he leaned into your touch and let you hold him for a minute. But then he remembered how undeserving he was of any kindness, yours more than anyone else’s, and abruptly shoved you aside before he rushed to his feet and ran away, again like a petulant child. Leaves and branches brushed over his bare forearms where he’d pushed the sleeves of the Henley up, as he darted aimlessly through the vegetation, trying to outrun something he couldn’t even name. Eventually, he broke through the underbrush and out onto the same beach where he’d pulled you ashore just a week earlier, and the change in surface under his feet upset his balance. He fell forwards onto his hands and knees and stood like that, shaking and sobbing with that same relentless pain he couldn’t name and didn’t understand the origin of. How could he have accepted your attempt to comfort him… How could he be that selfish? He had no right to take even an ounce of kindness from you after what he’d put you through, and what the hell were you thinking, offering it to him in the first place? How could you even stomach being around him, much less treat him so graciously? A splashing that differed from the sounds of the waves rolling in, reached his ears and he looked up to see a tailfin disappearing under a churning mass of water. Momentarily stunned out of his self-loathing, he got to his feet and walked closer to the shore, scanning the surface for any sign that a pod of dolphins might be playing in the swells. He couldn’t see anything, and suddenly the anger was back. Because if it was one of the mere-people, he wanted to strangle it, break its neck and shove it back into the ocean, back to its people as a warning to anyone who might try and keep him there. You’d reminded him that he wasn’t helpless, sparking hope inside him again. Marcus was going home to Missy, and nothing was going to stop him. Nothing. He stood there, with his feet just outside of the water’s reach, when a head and torso breached the surface in between the waves just ten yards out, and he stopped breathing. It was a female… and the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. He didn’t mean to, wasn’t even sure that he wanted to, but he felt almost pulled into the water, and barely even noticed when it filled his shoes and continued up his calves, as he waded out through the swell.

—————

Link to Chapter 5

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