#cus it triggered us so badly lol

[mydarksadshadow]

1st july, 2am, 2024

what specific coping mechanisms have i used to deal with my difficult emotions and are they healthy? if not, what healthier mechanisms can i adopt to cope with these difficult emotions?

difficult emotions that i have: feeling the need to calm the other person down or just shut up completely so I don't aggravate the person further, whenever i get humiliated by them, instead of standing up for myself.

it's obviously not a good coping mechanism and what i can do instead is stand up for myself every time i feel i am being wronged even if it is in small ways.

do i experience hypervigilance? if yes, what triggers it?

yeah i am hyper vigilant around men and new people (non family circles) so I don't say something that embarrasses me or so that i don't give off a vibe that tells people to walk all over me.

I don't want anyone to take advantage of me ever again. i don't want to feel drained by anyone using me or being mean to me for no reason.

do i experience flashbacks/nightmares? do i notice any common/recurring themes?

yeah i feel bad about getting used by that fuckboy lol. now i feel bad about getting ghosted by fuckboy no. 2

I'll get over this one when a new trauma in my life comes along, haha.

recurring themes (unrelated to fuckboys): whenever i feel that somebody is toxic (to me or in general) i kind of let it slide always in order to "not ruin the moment or the good mood." i wanna stop doing that. for good. i want to be able to speak up for myself every time someone disrespects me without the fear of what people might think of me or if i am "ruining the vibe". fuck.

i am mad/disappointed in myself for not shutting people down whenever they disrespected me in the recent times. it really pisses me off.

what are my trauma triggers?

everytime someone is mad at me, even if it is their fault entirely, instead of showing them their place deservedly, i instead shrivel up and focus my attention on calming them down first. it gives off the vibe that i am the one at fault and it causes them to further treat me badly. i want to stop feeling like it's my responsibility to calm someone down every time they get mad about something. i don't deserve that disrespect in the first place cus if i know how to control my fucking emotions, other people can too. they are also grownups after all.

what bodily sensations, feelings & thoughts do i have when i experience these triggers?

i feel guilt, shame, the need to cry and the urge to not make the other person hate me. and my thoughts have been well described above.

[munchiesthaoo]

tag game!~

So I’ve been tagged by the lovely cuddle buddy @hansolmates for this long ass tag but in reality, I miss doing these and since I have reading week.. :))) )

Are you named after someone? Yes actually. I was named after little Michelle from “Full House.” It was one of my dad’s favourite shows when he came to Canada

When was the last time you cried? Sigh. It was actually last night. I wasn’t feeling well and I slept it off. I’m okay now though. Do not worry ! :)

Do you like your handwriting? At times. When I have ideas I wanna write down, it’s super messy but other than that I do like it. (fun fact: I actually write sideways like the paper would have to be fully turned 90 degrees lol)

What is your favorite lunch meat? SPICY PORK? It’s my go-to meat when I buy food across the campus

Do you have kids? Does stuff animals count? They are my children 

If you were another person, would you be friends with you? For sure haha. I don’t have many friends in the campus and it’d be nice to talk to someone while we laugh about bad puns heh

Do you use sarcasm? NO DO I REALLY.

Do you still have your tonsils? Nope. Had them removed in the 1st grade.

Would you bungee jump? WHY NOT 

What is your favorite kind of cereal? Kellog’s cereal haha. I don’t eat cereal often but just plain Kellog’s corn flakes is good for me 

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nah 

Do you think you’re a strong person? Not at the moment. I have been emotionally and mentally unstable for a bit since that Family Day weekend has been a triggering weekend. So I’m hoping this reading week I can heal myself to the best of my abilities

What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Mint chocolate / cookies and cream ~ 

What is the first thing you notice about people? Their appearance and they way they talk 

Red or pink? RED. But NEON pink is my go-to clothing choice haha 

What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? I hate that I have such bad sensitive skin like my underarms are badly scratched because I keep itching and it really gives me insecurity to wear halter tops or sleeveless tops WHICH ARE REALLY PRETTY DURING SPRING BUT MY ARMS. (like I found this really pretty dress for a potential wedding but it’s halter top and ugh i need sleeves)

What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? Purple sweats with my striped slippers

What was the last thing you ate? Well I just had my 4th meal of the day which was rice, chicken + mushrooms + okra with fermented bean paste then a sourkey lol (I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS)

What are you listening to right now? I’m listening to this study playlist on 8tracks and it’s currently on 깜빡 by 그레이

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? IS THERE A NEON PINK SOMEWHERE

Favorite smell? Eucalyptus mint or cotton

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My dad yesterday when we went out to shop on Family Day 

Favorite sport to watch? Soccer and swim~ 

Hair color? Virgin hair black with bits of grey that my sister can easily find lol

Eye color? Brown  

Do you wear contacts? Nah I’m a glasses person 

Favorite food to eat? Banh Xeo forever

Scary movies or comedy? COMEDY ONLY. Horror I can maybe deal with but only video games

Last movie you watched? I honestly have no idea because I don’t go to the theatres like the last time I went to the theatres was for FINDING DORY and I’m trying to remember what I watched recently that isn’t Hwarang ... 

Summer or winter? Winter because that’s when I get my ass out of the house to go to my classes

Hugs or kisses? both when i’m in a relationship haha but mostly hugs

What book are you currently reading? The First Phone Call from Heaven by Mitch Albom. It’s the 3rd book I’m reading so far this year and one of my resolutions is to read a lot more. So it’s my go-to book during commutes

Who do you miss right now? My best friend who I couldn’t see last week because he had an engineering project to do ;;

What is on your mouse pad? My SVT sketchbook as of now 

What is the last TV program you last watched? THE WALKING DEAD. BOI JERRY IS SUCH A WONDERFUL SUNSHINE IN THIS CRAZY DEAD WORLD I LOVE HIM.

What is the best sound? The sound of folding papers to do origami 

Rolling Stones or The Beatles? beatles?? 

What is the furthest you have ever traveled? It’s only been Vietnam since that’s all I’ve been to on a plane haha

Do you have a special talent? UHH. I used to imitate Bugs Bunny’s “What’s up doc” when I was super young lol 

Where were you born? Toronto ~

I’ll tag @cu-ten-ess, @heoni, @littleight, @momjeonghan, @heliumdooly, @woozihacks. Of course it is completely optional to do ~

[diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiary-blog]

SO BITCHES

i am TRIGGERED AND PANICKING n i gotta keep dis to myself but also werk thru it at da same time cus its like 4 mins till the 31st n my ny resolution is to solve all my emotional problems myself and i think venting to other people makes my problems worse but writing things out helps and right soooooooooo @ future me reading this the PROBLEM IS IM SUDDENLY QUITE UPSET AND I AM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY but its probably cus ive been thinking abt how much i hateE myself and i am still scared of gary and his lil pic is there each time i log into whatsapp and it brings up PAST FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND SELF LOATHING EACH TIME I C HIS FACE ESPECIALLY WITH A LIL READ TICK BY IT he said hed hang w us but then never replied n said hed let us kno how his essay was goin so he was probs jus busy n doesnt wish i was dead but HEY also part of me doesnt even care n i dont i dont care about HIM i dont knOW HIM i care about what he REPRESENTS in my life omg im so weird but ir feels good writing this out man i am such a spaz lol i want his VALIDATION REALLY BADLY AND I WANT JOES VALIDATION AND I WANT VERONICAS VALIDATION AND JOSH AND OLLIE AND CALEB WHO I DONT EVEN TALK TO but in the end i want all this as some sort of proof im not a trash human being but no one knows me better than me and i think i am so what the fuck lol why do i make myself suffer there is so forseeable FUCKING END TO THIS NIIIIIIIGHTMAAAAAARE . BOI. YEET. i keep thinkin bout relationships n maaaan i really dont want one but part of me does just to i guess have had one yknow idk im trash man man mna i kinda miss having a crush but also no thanks mate cus no one ever likes me BAAAAAACK cus i have an ugly face AND AN UGLY PERSONALITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not funny i try to hard i am dumb i am hypocritical i am needy and i am more boring then people seem to realise and my forehead looks weird my hair is horrid my lips n bad my NOSE LOL dont and my skin is bad and weird looking and i hate my eye shape n face shape n the whole thing js trash n people that like me i treat like shit!!!!!!! i goddamn do n part of me really wants to just not exist bur hey whatevs and thats why im upset i guess lol