#dadconscious

[fresnelprism]

dadconscious maybe ... badconscious

[aestheticvoyage2023]

Day 128: Monday May 8, 2023 - “After Action”

I spent the day feeling very accomplished and proud of myself as I debriefed with Audrie, regaling her with stories from our three day excursion through Phoenix and St Louis and back.   It was my first solo trip flying with William, who at 22 months is still breast feeding and working on potty training.  This was a big bite.  A very big bite for this Dad who is working hard to figure it all out and be a rock.  This was huge - not something that I had to do, but something I wanted to do; something I needed to do, to level up. It felt exactly the same as the first time I threw my heavy back pack on for my first ever overnight in the Wild and how proud and confident and bad ass that felt. Exactly the same feelings.  And with the literal non-stop task-loading I did from Friday at 3:30pm until Sunday at 7:00pm, I was pretty mentally drained when I hit my pillow; but today on the day-after, I could sit back in awe with some real pride of how it all came together.

Looking back over the 3 day run, I noted the things Id do different (like maybe make sure to pack shoes!), and shared the things that I thought really went well (I definitely aced bringing the big mama-water).  I laughed at my “Jesus Take The Wheel” presentation to TSA and how now I think I could go back and ace that like an old pro after my two trips through. Ben sent me a picture he’d snapped at Lambert Airport before hugging goodbye - with me carrying my intentional planning (literally) - the bones of the whole operation on display.  Car Seat, Suitcase to check with both of our clothes and bathroom bags, messenger bag of books, snacks, and toys, stroller, diaper bag, and the old “throw it in there” bag which will absolutely be a staple of every trip I take with him from now on.  The intentional planning of every piece - checked the car seat and the suitcase, kept my shoulder bag and everything else went under the stroller, which was gate checked, with the ease of a bullride. I played it all through in my head several times the week before to make sure I had it all visualized and knew how it would go before it went, taking my weekend Dad-show on the road.  And it went, just as I had visualized.  My operation is aced.

I couldn’t have done any of this on intentional planning alone.  As is usually the case with the standby game, getting there with confidence was easy, with load updates right up until boarding.   Its the getting home that is always the crap-shoot. I thanked my lucky stars for the run of good standby luck, made possible by my skillful planning to give myself the best options by starting the trip Friday out of Phoenix AND the blind luck of an intoxicated guy getting booted to ensure my one spot home. But I felt confident that either way that would’ve gone yesterday, travelling back, I was ready for it.  5 hour energy, snacks to the gills, books including the long Choo Choo book - I was ready to play the long game if I had to; I worked hard to manage my expectations.  My mind was steady through it all - “slow is fast. slow is fast” | “take it as it comes”   I literally coached my way through the weekend with my “Dadconscious.” And just like weekends at home, I checked the waypoints until the only thing left to do was get home on this 3.5 hour middleseat flight. We were the last two rushed on in a standby stroke of luck, helped by a Flight Attendant that carried William for me, and sat us down where I was too cramped to even get my headphones or snacks. I buckled in and knew it was on me to bring this whole trip home strong by relaxing William to sleep, keeping him comfortable and steady and off the people on either side. Id skillfully worked Sunday to try to line up this flight with a long hard earned nap and it worked as planned.  But now, with no entertainment and nothing to do but to just sit there still as I can be letting him sleep, I passed the slow time, mentally preparing for the witching hour coming my way once he woke up, and how I’d manage the close quarters here on the descent with a rested excited stir crazy toddler and no back up aside from my own resilient mindful will; the one thing that no amount of intentional planning could help with. I would now be leaning full on to my mindfulness as I rode this last wave. With about an hour to go, he started to wiggle himself awake, until finally his eyes opened, and mindfully I worked with him to land the plane with no tears and no real struggle.  With our wheels back down in Arizona, the only left now was to get our luggage, and get to the car, and drive home.   Mission accomplished.

And it was nice today, to be able to sit in my success and be proud of it, and share what I had learned as if I had just climbed some mountain or aced some trail - some real adventure.   And I suppose thats what its always about, out here living a great story.  That no matter what it is that you’re trying to do, that you go for it and stretch your boundaries, and level up.  I definitely did that this past weekend, and today I felt like a whole new Dad.

Song: Brian Wright - You Got It All

Quote: “Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling