#dante is about to punt me into hell

[kalypsichor]

don’t be cruel [ john lennon x reader ]

summary: You come to class in the shortest little skirt and Professor Lennon is so distracted he can barely teach. Afterwards, he tries taking matters into his own hands... only to be interrupted by the very subject of his fantasy.

prompt: my own fucking post, bc I have no self-control warnings: oral sex, dirty talk, professor kink... this is basically porn and I’m not sorry. oh also there’s dante’s inferno discourse, if that’s upsetting to anyone

i have nothing to say. this is filth. see y’all in the second circle of hell lmao (also, can you spot the 🥪 hint?) 

i was gonna schedule this for 9 am or something but... apparently some of y’all are still awake if my notifs are any indication. so. enjoy. it’s almost 4 am for me

This is so, so wrong.

You’re not that much younger than John, with you in your early twenties and him just approaching thirty. Still, he’s your professor. You’re his student. There’s an unspoken taboo about the whole thing, a clear line that should never be towed. John’s a rational man—after all, he’s a Literature professor—and he knows these things in his head. They’re as clear as day, as obvious as Brontë’s warnings against forbidden love throughout Wuthering Heights. 

All that rationality flies out the window when you come into class this morning wearing a short skirt that makes John almost drop his chalk. 

You greet him with a nod and a smile, as per usual, but John can’t bring himself to smile back. He can’t bring himself to look you in the eyes. So when a flash of hurt streaks through them, he misses it, having already turned his back to write the day’s lesson on the chalkboard.

All of class, John is distracted. Not distracted enough for his students to take notice, of course; he’s familiar enough with the topic and his students are too busy scribbling notes to care. Still, John can’t stop thinking about running his fingers over your ass, about bending you over his desk and fucking you, your pretty little skirt bunched up in his hands. Maybe he’d wrap his tie around your wrists. Make you beg to be touched. And John would give in, if only to hear you whine when he teases your clit.

Thank god for the podium at the front of the room. John’s always been an active teacher, walking up and down the aisles as he lectures, sometimes even sitting on his students’ desks just for the hell of it. Professor McCartney calls it dramatic, but John knows that it brings so much more to his teaching. It keeps his audience engaged, which is exactly what he needs when he’s trying to get them interested in some dead 13th century Italian guy’s rhapsody on death.

Unfortunately, he’s got the worst hard-on ever right now, and even moving slightly behind the podium is causing the fabric of his slacks to shift agonizingly against his erection. John curses having tied his belt so tight this morning. 

He’s halfway through the class, basically talking to a dead room of glazed eyes and drooping pens, when you raise your hand. 

“Sorry, Professor Lennon.” John inhales sharply at the way you say his name and almost misses your next words. “But just now when you mentioned Beatrice, did you mean that she symbolizes divine love? Because isn’t that the whole reason she can take Dante to heaven, whereas Virgil is limited by human reasoning?”

“Yes, that’s right. What did I say?”

You bite your pen and John’s gaze is immediately drawn to the shape of your lips around it. He swears that he can see you almost smirk a little when you speak again.

“You called her ‘forbidden love.’”

Okay. Maybe John is more distracted than he thinks.

The rest of the hour, Johns finds himself glancing at you even more often. And though you’re sitting in the back of the room, John thinks that he catches you looking right back.

For the first time in his career, John has to agree with his students: the end of class can’t come quickly enough. The moment that last straggler pushes out of the lecture hall, the double doors closing behind them, he pushes off from the podium and rushes into his office, not even bothering to lock the door. John just needs some sweet relief and he finds it when he leans against his desk and unbuttons his slacks.

The moment John takes his cock in hand, he groans and lets his head fall back. Fucking hell, he’s been wanting to touch himself since you walked into class in that stupidly short skirt. He knows that this is improper, especially in his own office, but John couldn’t care less right now. He strokes himself with one hand, bracing against the desk with the other. And then his mind veers off and imagines that it’s you touching him. Your hands are so much smaller than John’s. The thought of them wrapped around his cock makes him swear, your name tumbling from his lips before he can stop it. Fuck, he’s getting close, and in his head he can hear you edging him on, can hear you calling his name—

“Professor?”

There’s no time to hide. John can barely even react, eyes jolting open to see your wide, shocked ones… glued to the sight of him masturbating.

“Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry, I- I didn’t hear you knocking, I...” His babbling trails off when you don’t seem to be freaking out. And when you close the door behind you, turning the lock, something else entirely shoots through his body.

“I heard you saying my name.” You walk to where John is standing, his hand still wrapped around his cock. “Were you thinking about me?”

“I, uh. Look, I didn’t-”

The sight of you dropping to your knees in front of him is the hottest thing John has ever seen. Involuntarily, his hand jerks and he lets out a shaky breath. 

“Tell me, please?” And how can he say no when you’re looking up at him like that, biting so innocently at your lip?

Something inside John lurches and he stumbles right across that line separating right from wrong.

“Fuck, I was.” John’s voice pitches a note lower, tone more confident and now it’s your turn to catch your breath in your throat. “Been thinkin’ about you all class, birdie. You knew what you were doing, paradin’ around in that little skirt. I bet you wore it for me, hm?”

You nod your head, a little shyly, and place a hand over his, not quite touching his cock. Still, the sight of your much smaller hand on John’s makes his grip tighten and he grunts. The sound goes right to your core.

“Wanna feel you in my mouth. Can I?”

John barely gets the chance to nod before you’re mouthing at his tip. His hand falls away immediately, joining the other in gripping the desk at the feeling. You pull away a little and lick all the way from up from the base, flattening your tongue against his veins, before taking his cock into your mouth.

You go down on him slowly, so slowly, and the feeling of your warm mouth enveloping his length makes John groan. His eyes want to fall shut but he forces himself to watch your pretty lips stretch around his cock. It’s worth it, especially when you flick your eyes up to look at him. The sight of you makes his hips jerk involuntarily and you gag, pulling backwards with a wet pop that sends another wave of arousal coursing through John.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, reaching out a hand to brush away the tears that have welled up in your eyes, but you shake your head. Wordlessly, you guide both of his hands into your hair and go down on him again—and when you take in as much of his cock as you can, you look up to John as if waiting for something. 

When he understands, he finally lets himself close his eyes. 

“God, you’re so good for me, aren’t you?” John pulls out of your mouth a little before sliding back in, gasping at the warmth. “Taking your professor's cock like this. Mm, fuck—you feel so good.”

John increases his pace, starting to really fuck into your mouth. His grip tightens in your hair and you whine. 

“What if Professor McCartney walked in right now, huh? I bet you’d keep sucking me off. Would you?”

The blush across your cheeks darkens and John takes note of it, something piping up in the back of his mind. But then you’re moaning around his cock and the vibrations are making his knees weak. He’s gonna come, soon, and his words devolve into grunts and curses as his hips jerk faster and faster into your mouth. Your throat has got to be tired by now but you’re not stopping or pulling away. The thought that you actually enjoy this, that it’s turning you on to be on your knees for John, is what sends him over the edge.

You let him finish in your mouth, swallowing all of it—or at least, as much as you can. Still, a little bit of John’s cum makes its way down your bottom lip. Before he can second-guess himself, he pulls you up to your feet and kisses you. It’s soft, a distinct contrast to the fervor with which John had just been fucking your mouth with, and a little bitter with the taste of his own cum on his tongue. You whine when he swipes a tongue across your lip and the sound turns into a high pitched moan when he bites down where he just licked. 

“Professor-”

“Call me John,” he says, pulling away and seeing a shy smile cross your face.

“Okay,” you say. You close the gap between your lips and kiss him again. “John.”

Just to make sure, though, John has you scream it for him when it’s his turn to get on his knees.

* * *

THERE IS NOW A PART TWO  🥪🥪🥪

[clownsgobeepbeep]

What will garden buds thoughts be on Ula and the family, her friends. I know this is a possible long answer don't have to do everyone though uvu

I shall try to make this a decent list X3 At least include the ones I thought he’d be around mostly

Jelly: At first, he was just like...holy fuck, she’s fucking hot, but like, respectfully. He was merely attracted to her, but then he realized that he was actually developing feelings...real feelings. Okay that’s a lie, he’s too dumb to realize such a thing, but he do have a crush on her and tries so much to get her attention. Slightly intimidated by her, but he’s into it??? Respectfully.

Pepper: Thinks Pepper is a tiny bit of a weirdo, but something tells him that he should not say such a thing. But like, he surprisingly likes Pepper mainly because of the baking/cooking and gardening, ‘cause Bud likes that! Would like hanging around him, unless Ben was there. Well maybe if Belinda was there he’d feel a little safer.

James: Feels a connection to him, wonder why. Finds James easy to scare and tease, so he can be a bit mean with him. Will act politely in the presence of Jelly and/or Ula, unless James snaps at him, then Bud knows not to fuck around

Ula: She’s technically the one who brought him to life, so when he basically woke up, she’s the first one he saw and just imprinted on her. Likes Ula, feels the need to be by her side for some reason. He’s going to become clingy and will demand that she bring him with her(poor Schrader and Atlas X3). Ula somewhat spoiling him is just not going to better things lol

Dante: Whoa. That is one tall motherfucker. He’s kinda scary. But he at least provides a lot of strawberries, so he’s actually pretty cool.

Robyn and Rayden: Whoa, wait...there’s two of them!? Honestly, that’s all he’d think about them because I know they’d prank him and he’s be absolutely flabbergasted.

Schrader: Realizes this is somebody not to fuck with, he sees that face. But then again...Ula won’t let anyone hurt Bud, so...>:) Bud might end up living with Ula when she’s married, so Bud’s all like...what’cha gonna do, kick me out? Wouldn’t want to make Ula mad~ At least by that time he’ll have matured...almost.

Lennie: At first, would probably mind Lennie. You are a large obstacle in the path to Jelly(for once Lennie is large X3). Would eventually get used to him and really just tease/annoy the hell out of Lennie. Hey Lennie, guess what? Jelly gave me a kiss on the head just know, aaaaand she fed me so many strawberries. Hey Lennie, Jelly was nice enough to take me around town and she didn’t get mad when I called her hot but laughed. What’cha gonna do, punt me? Huh? Huh!? Oh shit-

He’d annoy in other ways too X3

Davey: You’re technically a smaller version of Lennie...but you’re actually kinda cool. Would like the whole theme he’s got, when he eventually gets into the more pirate stuff. He’d actually really enjoy Davey’s company if he accepted him, actually ask him tons of questions. Besides a few others, Davey is probably where Bud could learn a lot of stuff.

Cordelia:Whoa you’re a wild one, greatly dislikes it when she cries/screams if that ever happens. Wouldn’t entirely know how to feel about Cordelia. Would stalk observe her at first, hide from her just to see if she can be considered safe.

Ama: Wouldn’t exactly know what to think of her if I’m being honest. She seems...cool...Ula likes her...so Bud likes her he guesses....

Atlas: Neeeeeerd. Would have heard the band guys calling Atlas a nerd, so he feels the need to. Maybe teases Atlas the tiniest bit, especially by clinging to Ula often, but he wouldn’t hate him nor be scared. Senses he’s nice, so I can surprisingly imagine some calm moments between them; another that Bud would like to learn from.

Maggie: Weirdo. That’s it. Just thinks she’s a weirdo.

The axolotls: Big fuck no :)

[shes-claws-deep]

Thoughts about Vergil just being out and about, probably hanging out with Dante somewhere then gasp! He's got a toy shoved inside him and reader has the remote controller and makes it go on the highest setting randomly?? And he has to hide the fact he's turned on??

Vergil likes to boast that he has incredible control - over his body and his emotions. For the most part, this is true. Except when it comes to Dante and his hunger for power, of course. Today, he’s got an iron grip on it. Good thing, too, since you’re hell-bent on driving him insane today. Insane and humiliated.

“Hey, uh, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, Vergil?” Dante quips from where he’s nursing a scotch, reading through Nero and Nico’s reports. “By the way, this look like a ‘nn’ or a ‘rm’ to you?”

Vergil’s jaw twitches and he shifts in his seat, crossing his legs and resting delicately on one buttcheek. He keeps his face schooled, his upper body relaxed, and his voice even as he replies his twin, “It’s none of your business, Dante.” Then looks at the report Dante shows him. “It’s a ‘rn’. No one spells swarmed with two ‘n’s.” 

Dante turns it around, tilting his head and humming, “Oh yeah.” The report is tossed away without another glance. “Okay, fess up, what’s wrong with you, man? Old lady not giving you enough attention?”

Oh, on the contrary, Dante, you’re giving him more than enough attention. Far too much and he would really like it if you just eased up a little-! The buzzing in his ass grows stronger and forces him to shift, the curved tip of the plug pressed deliciously against his tender prostate and sending powerful shocks of pleasure up and down his spine. Yet he stays resolute, his body unmoving and his face still impassive despite his cock growing harder and leaking precum in his pants.

“My love life is none of your concern, Dante. Leave it alone.” Thank god for desks and Dante’s own laziness to get up. His tight pants are really starting to hurt now and he really doesn’t want to stand up. “Hand me the-”

Vergil is cut off by the power failing, casting everything into darkness. It’s just his luck because you amped up the vibration to the max, making the buzzing nearly audible to his sharp ears. And if he’s hearing it, that means Dante can hear it too. 

“Damnit, power’s out again-wait, what’s that buzzing sound?”

Fuck. Dante and his stupid sharp ears.

“My phone,” Vergil murmurs nonchalantly and fishes out his phone, which was indeed buzzing, covering up the sound of the vibrating butt plug. “It’s her.” He thought about delaying answering the phone, if only just to cover up the vibrating until you decide to show some mercy. He can’t dodge Dante’s questions forever. Plus his twin’s perverted mind would fill in the gaps easily enough. Eventually, he can’t stall any longer and answers it with a deadpan, “What?” 

“Babyboy, is that any way to talk to me?” Comes your saccharine voice in a teasing tone, loud enough that Dante overhears it.

“She calls you babyb-” Dante never gets to finish his sentence before he’s punted out the door by Vergil’s fist.

“Finish that sentence and you’ll be pulling your sword out of your chest again,” Vergil growls and turns away, retreating to the upper floor before he can flash his brother his tented pants. It’s only when he’s locked the door behind him that he puts the phone to his ear again. “Are you done teasing the hell out of me?”

“With that kind of tone,” you chuckle, “Never. Now drop your pants.”

“What did you say?”

“I said.” Now your tone is harder, sterner, and Vergil can’t help but bite back a moan. “Drop. Your. Pants.” His hand moves on its own, his trousers shoved down around his thighs to let his hard, leaking cock bounce up against his vest. “Good boy. Now, you’re going to cum within the next 30 seconds or you’ll have to go down and talk to Dante again. You’ll get your next chance in another hour.” And to emphasise your tease, you let the vibrator flare up and die down in waves, letting it max out on a plateau so that he squirms and pants even louder.

Vergil takes a couple of deep gulps of air and manages to control himself, to regulate his breathing until he sounds fairly normal. “I really hate when you do this at Dante’s place.” He says that, but his hand is on his cock and stroking so fast his fist is a blur. It’s a dry heat and his hand is too calloused to give him the pleasure that yours can, but it’s more than enough because he’s grunting into the receiver. “I re-really hate this.”

“Your body doesn’t lie, darling,” you purr into the phone. “You going to cum?”

“Yes.” Vergil’s growl is deep, guttural, echoing ethereally like he’s about to slip into his Devil Trigger. 

“Cum for me, baby.”

Vergil manages to pin the phone between shoulder and ear just moments before he cums, cupping his hand over his cock to catch the pearly strings of cum that threaten to spill all over the floor. He has to clench his teeth, seal his lips and stuff his tongue at the back of his throat to stop the noises from slipping out. It’s one thing to have the plug buzz inside him while he’s in front of Dante, and it’s another to cum all over his brother’s bedroom floor. Filthy as it already is.

The ringing in his ears lasts for a few heartbeats more, and soon he can hear your voice. “Make sure you clean up. See you tonight, honey~” You hang up.

God, you’re such a bitch. He loves it.

[junker-town]

The 7 dumbest mistakes from Championship Sunday, ranked

Tom Brady, Tyreek Hill, Todd Gurley, and Dee Ford all screwed up — but not as bad as the refs.

Sunday’s conference championship games were exhilarating. The Rams and Patriots advanced to Super Bowl 53 thanks to a combination of excellence, creativity, and perseverance.

But mostly, they just did a better job diving into the muck and coming out cleaner than their opponents on an entirely sloppy day of football. The AFC and NFC title games featured several turnovers, drops, and botched calls that swung the momentum of each game and ultimately told the world we were running 2019’s title game back to 2002 and giving the Rams another shot at Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.

This year’s conference championship games saw brain-wrinkling mistakes from stars like Tom Brady, Todd Gurley, and Tyreek Hill as each of the league’s final four teams — with the arguable exception of the Saints — seemed hell-bent of proving they could overcome their own brain farts and make it to the Super Bowl. Even more amazingly, New England and Los Angeles did. So which mistakes were the worst from a legendary Sunday of playoff football?

7. Tyreek Hill attempted to give the Chiefs a spark, lost 12 yards

Tyreek Hill is an electric playmaker and the best returner the Chiefs have had since Dante Hall roamed the sidelines at Arrowhead Stadium. And when his team needed a spark to mount a comeback against the Patriots, he decided to put his unmatched speed to the test and eschew a modest gain in exchange for the slim chance of a highlight-reel punt return that would leave the Patriots dumbfounded and ignite the crowd at Arrowhead Stadium.

This was an awful bet. New England had the angled kick well covered, and Hill had no where to go; the end result? -12 yards.

The Chiefs’ drive stalled out from there, and the resulting short field New England got following a Dustin Colquitt punt allowed the Patriots to kick a field goal — a vital three points in a game where every inch counted.

6. Running out of field goal range isn’t great, Patrick Mahomes

Patrick Mahomes is probably going to be named the NFL MVP for the 2018 season, and that’s largely due to his ability to extend plays and make difficult throws outside the pocket.

But running backward to escape a sack can backfire and it did early for the Chiefs. Mahomes was sacked three times in the first half and each was for a loss of at least 14 yards. The second sack came at an especially inopportune time, as it knocked Kansas City out of field goal range.

HUGE sack by Trey Flowers to take KC out of FG range! #GoPats pic.twitter.com/cC2fiAfmg9

— #NobodyDied (@ftbeard_17) January 21, 2019

An incomplete pass would’ve set up the Chiefs with a field goal of about 40 yards. Instead the sack turned it into a 54-yard try. On a cold day at Arrowhead Stadium, Andy Reid opted for a punt instead.

5. Todd Gurley had his first awful playoff performance

Gurley had been a beast in his first two postseason games, running for 100+ yards in each of them and generally looking like an All-Pro tailback in the process. But on Sunday, he only earned four carries and three targets, and that ... might have been the right move.

With the exception of a 6-yard touchdown run late in the second quarter, Gurley’s play on the field topped out at “forgettable” and occasionally sank into “awful.” He got trapped behind the line of scrimmage on rushes, missed his assignments when called to pass block, and dropped two passes — one of which led to three Saints points in the first quarter.

Gurley wound up playing less than C.J. Anderson in the NFC Championship Game, but he’s owning his own craptitude.

Todd Gurley to @JosinaAnderson: "I didn't play good. I didn't deserve to be in there. CJ was in there. He did his thing. Everybody held me down. We all held each other, and we just got it done. We just got it done. Thank you Lord. Thank you."

— Lindsey Thiry (@LindseyThiry) January 21, 2019

4. The Rams gift-wrapped the Saints their first touchdown

Los Angeles had bent but not broken early, snuffing out a pair of New Orleans scoring drives and holding the Saints to a pair of field goals to keep the Rams in this game early. That resolve faded on Drew Brees’ third drive of the game. First came a fourth-and-2 encroachment penalty that turned what could have been a momentum-killing stop or timeout-burning reset into a free set of downs when Michael Brockers fell for New Orleans’ hard count:

Michael Brockers, you big dummy. One play later, the Saints turned this free first down into a five-yard TD pass pic.twitter.com/gM4PWuZPfD

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) January 20, 2019

Things got worse from there. The veteran quarterback dialed up a play for third-string tight end Garrett Griffin, who ran free in the end zone for just his second NFL catch to put the home team up 13-0. And how did he get so open? Because former All-Pro Marcus Peters delivered a gorgeous pick ... of his own teammate.

The Rams just ran a pick... on themselves pic.twitter.com/s46DmwTOkl

— FOX Sports: NFL (@NFLonFOX) January 20, 2019

That put the Rams in a 13-0 hole ... which ultimately made their comeback all the more epic.

HUGE sack by Trey Flowers to take KC out of FG range! #GoPats pic.twitter.com/cC2fiAfmg9

— #NobodyDied (@ftbeard_17) January 21, 2019

3. Tom Brady threw the ball into double coverage in the end zone

New England had a chance to silence the raucous Arrowhead Stadium crowd early after taking a 7-0 lead and then driving to the Kansas City 1-yard line with its second drive of the evening. The Chiefs desperately needed a stop to keep from getting demoralized in the first quarter of their first-ever home game at the AFC Championship, and they got one — all thanks to an awful throw by Tom Brady.

END ZONE PICK @reggieragland pic.twitter.com/kXfYB8uG2n

— Kansas City Chiefs (@Chiefs) January 21, 2019

The Patriots tried to outthink Kansas City, only to wind up caught in a trap of their own making instead. Rob Gronkowski hadn’t slipped through the line unattended after a play fake to Sony Michel; he was heavily covered by Justin Houston. And as he darted to the back of the end zone, Reggie Ragland dropped back to follow him. Brady, never outwardly considering any other options, forced a pass into coverage anyway, only for Ragland to erase New England’s scoring opportunity and energize a crowd just waiting for a big play to erupt.

2. If only Dee Ford hadn’t been offsides ...

Last week, Dee Ford was a monster against the Colts and looked like he could be their secret weapon to making the Super Bowl.

Wellll, he helped one team get there, but it wasn’t the Chiefs.

With just under a minute to go and the Patriots trailing by four, Tom Brady’s pass to Rob Gronkowski slipped right through the tight end’s hands and into the waiting arms of Chiefs cornerback Charvarius Ward.

It would’ve been game over, hello Super Bowl. But there was a flag — Ford had lined up in the neutral zone:

CBS

You didn’t have to be Tony Romo — or even Stephen A. Smith — to know what was about to happen. Two plays later, the Patriots scored a touchdown. Patrick Mahomes helped the Chiefs tie it up to send the game to overtime, but then he never saw the ball again.

And for the fourth time in five years, it’s the Patriots headed to the Super Bowl.

An emotional Ford took the blame after the game, but what a gutpunch for the Chiefs.

1. The refs. Ye gods, the refs

The second half of Patriots-Chiefs appeared to go on interminably thanks to an array of replay challenges and calls where all that separated a turnover or a drop from a tide-turning play was a unit of width imperceptible to the human eye. That’s not especially problematic.

But there were still issues. Tom Brady earned a borderline roughing the passer call on a non-hit that was nearly identical to a play where Patrick Mahomes hadn’t drawn a flag minutes before.

please send Tom Brady your prayers after this violent roughing the passer penalty pic.twitter.com/5Zt5S0TKo9

— Grant Goldberg (@GrantGoldberg) January 21, 2019

There were also a handful of iffy spots, kinda-sorta pass interference calls (and non-calls), and a wide range of stoppages just to remind the viewers at home that the game clock was correct. Those calls were excusable and, for the most part, had little to no impact on the final outcome of the game. The NFC title game, though? Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooolly shit.

That’s Tommylee Lewis getting three years of tap dancing lessons erased from his brain on a helmet-to-helmet hit from Nickell Robey-Coleman well before Drew Brees’ third-and-10 pass could even get to him. And while a catch may not have ensured the new set of downs that would have allowed New Orleans to salt the clock away and kick a game-winning field goal as time round down, the pass interference call Robey-Coleman’s hit clearly constituted certainly would have.

Instead, no flag. Fourth down. Lewis was shocked. Head coach Sean Payton was shocked. Robey-Coleman, even, was shocked.

He hadn't seen it, so I showed Nickell Robey-Coleman the replay of his hit on Tommylee Lewis. "Oh, hell yeah," he said. "That was PI." While admitting that, he also gave a fascinating, entirely convincing breakdown of why and how it was a smart play.

— Adam Kilgore (@AdamKilgoreWP) January 21, 2019

Instead, the Saints kicked their field goal and gave the ball back to the Rams, who kicked an equalizer of their own, sent the game into overtime, and drilled a 57-yard kick to advance to Super Bowl 53. Thanks, in no small part, to a completely botched no-call on clear pass interference.