#did i make it easy for myself by making some ' fragments' so i didnt have to come up with whole poems? yes i did

[akaaesir]

so this gets a little dark and im drafting it over time because i have a lot of thoughts but the adventure zone is one of the biggest things in my life so far

i discovered the adventure zone properly when i was in the mental hospital. it was only my second time and they were, like, 4 years apart and i was in a whole new state and environment and thought i knew what to expect but was horribly mistaken. i was dealing with psychosis at the time, so i got put in the "violent" unit unless/until i could earn being in a better unit (spoilers: they rlly didnt like transferring ppl dealing with psychosis out of the violent unit). due to this, the unit didn't have games, books, or what have you, we had to share what people had brought or had dropped off. my now-fiance offered to bring some stuff in, and in the collection of stuff were the TAZ graphic novels.

i must have read through those 6 or 7 times. i love D&D, i rarely got to play though, and various stuff makes reading hard, but i kept reading those books and they were easy enough for me to get through. when i got out, we picked up the 4th and 5th books and i started listening to the podcast.

i don't have great focus either, so i'd listen to TAZ while walking, heading to work, any time i could get my brain to focus on it basically. i'm (as of writing this) still only up to ep 47 (the eleventh hour arc), and it still means so much to me.

TAZ has made me laugh when i could barely get out of bed. taako's monologue on being a fully realized creation kind of helped me come to terms with some other stuff i was dealing with (like, i've got DID and sometimes it's really hard to see myself as a whole person, and as much as that's still a struggle, it kind of helped me process that i'm not just a fragment of my own imagination, i'm like. an entire person. even if i am a little fragmented lol). some of the times the boys get reassured or supported, it feels like i'm being supported, too, even though it wasn't directed at me. theyre all living and growing together and maybe im living vicariously through them or something but every time i listen, something hits me in just the right way to make me feel like maybe i'll be okay after all. i mean, if trés horny bois can make it through all that, surely i can survive this lol

i don't think i needed a hero. i didn't need some wild fantasy where theres someone who swoops in and saves the day with seemingly no problems. THB might be a trio of pretty powerful people, but they don't execute everything perfectly, especially not first-try. they're still people with their struggles and mishaps and even if they always manage to save the day, even if they're quite literally living in a magical fantasy world, it doesn't feel quite so unrealistic. i didn't need a perfect hero, i just needed some people i could relate to to really show me that it'll be okay, that i'll get through this even if i fuck up seven ways from sunday.

the adventure zone made me feel like things might be okay for the first time in a long time.

[skyheld]

SIDE QUEST:  FRAGMENTS OF POETRY

when speaking to professor kenric after defeating Hakkon Wintersbreath,  he will mention that though the Inquisitor has now read Haron’s diary,  heard Telana’s voice speaking through a spirit and met Ameridan himself,  they’ve yet to hear Orinna’s voice.  It,  too,  can still be heard through the centuries in the form of poems,  or fragments of them  ---  the Inquisitor will simply have to search elsewhere than the Frostback Basin for them.

FRAGMENT I. (  found on a warden’s body in Valeska’s watch ).

   ...did I behold    the horde; such dark despair unleash’d upon    ...    ...stood trembling    ...turn’d [my] eyes away,  from...

FRAGMENT II. (  found in a book on a nightstand in a fereldan farmer’s house ).

Gently does your tender tongue reveal The lay’rs of my love-starved soul As if you,  dream-kiss’d maid,  is the sun And I,  stone-woman,   the bud In spring,  which blooms at your touch

FRAGMENT III. (  found on a shelf in Valammar  ).

Strike my name,  Shaper,  from the memories! But I shall not forget the halls I walk’d What right have you to say I am unworthy? I stood outside your iron gates, afeared But ne’er did I back down,  nay;  you,  Shaper I protected with my life,  my limb;  so Your memories were safe behind my shield Yes,  strike my name,  shaper,  strike them all out! Though forgott’n I shall not forget the halls I walk’d

FRAGMENT IV, V,  & VII. (  in a collection of dwarven poetry in the Undercroft after recruiting Dagna  ).

...sky-witness,  hold the blue in hands ...and heart

---

[lover?], [tell me] do you ever dream of me? Do I ever walk ... you in your sleep? ...... tell me,  so that... ...beside you.

---

Duster,  lift up your head,  turn your gaze towards the sky Your feet are planted firmly on the ground You need not fear to fall;  though you may one day wish That you could fly

FRAGMENT IX.

(  acquired by speaking to ameridan at skyhold ).

Did you notice,  love,   how my steps falter’d? And was that why you turn’d your head to me? You said some words I no longer remember; And smiled;  and at that smile I regain’d strength Your flame-red hair,  silver-streak’d,  a beacon Your bravery gave bravery to me And with your hand in mine I then walk’d on Into darkness and the end of life For you,  my friend,  are dearer than the light

FRAGMENT X. (  found on a skeleton in Legion of the Dead armour in the Deep Roads  ).

...oh ...to hold.... ...again.

[findmeagoodlife-blog]

My experience on loneliness:

There can be a lot of things in life that make us feel alone and I fear that I have had more than my fair share of these experiences but I am only young. I know there is more to come.

Loneliness can take many forms. Though it is not a physical thing it can be so physically painful and even crippling and debilitating and that's the thing that can make loneliness so tricky. it becomes a spiral. it feels like someone released a hungry rat into your chest and it's trying to eat it's way out. I myself wanted nothing more than to talk about it; I wanted to find someone who I could tell everything to and help me get through it but that's the thing about loneliness. There's no one for you.

There are many reasons to feel alone and some can be real and some may not be and that's okay. Sometimes we make stuff up in our heads and once it’s in our heads it's real to us. There's not a reason for feeling alone that is less valid than another. in my most recent case it all started with a break up. I have read a lot recently about how, generally, the smaller your friendship circle was the more important and special it all is. I truly believed this. I had my group. Three of us, tightly knit, not always to one another but definitely to me. They all held a huge part in my heart and though they all had their own people, their own different friends, I believed I held a place in their hearts too. I was, perhaps foolishly but not realising it at the time, building my life around these people. The plans I made for my future included every one of them in some way and my choices as to what I would be doing post 18 were pruned back in such a harsh way to make sure they could all stay snuggly in my little life. I might sound resentful here but i'm not. I was willing to make those sacrifices because, to me, there is nothing more important in life than people and, to me, these people were the most important of all. Which is when it all changed.

My boyfriend of not even a year broke up with me. it doesn't sound that long but I think I truly loved him. I could have spent the rest of my life with him. i'm not trying to say that my life is worse than everyone else's but before him id had relationships that were or were borderline abusive which made his kindness mean even more to me. it was kindness that, at the time where he came into my life, I didn't think I deserved. He said we could still be friends. it seemed so sudden to me. I couldn't cope with it at the time. it's when I stopped eating and sleeping. Something in me was stopping me. I had lost my person. The person that I could tell anything too: good or bad. The person who may not have even given a shit about the things I did for any other reason than: They made me happy. This is where my loneliness began.

Following this I had several conversations with him. He was my person. I wanted him back. I struggled so hard of those first few days. I felt like id lost something I could never get back. My person had died and now in his body stood a person still but not one I could know. I accepted then that friends it would be and tried to tell the person I knew. I did it all wrong though. My person had died and now in his body stood a person still but not one who I knew, not one who wanted to know me.

i turned then to my remaining friends for support but at this point they left too. I was left with one. in the space of just over a week my life fell to pieces. Everything I had spent the last year basking in had been eclipsed by the worst week of my life. My future as I had envisioned it and crashed and burned.

i felt hollow. in this time I wanted nothing more than comfort but who could I turn to? As my life progressed who would I turn to? I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and fix it all before it began. But I can't. This was my life now. I wanted to run around, beg and plead, force myself into situations where I could accidently bump into them, explain myself. I wanted to grasp at every tiny piece of my shattered life and stick it all back together, good as new but even if I managed it, it would still have cracks. And I tried, my god did I try. So much of my time and effort was spent in ways that may have been unseen to an observer but I thought were bringing me back to where I was. I was going to make it all okay again. I never realised that the shattered fragments of my life were dust. Grains of sand. There was no reconstructing them and the harder I tried to hold onto them the more fell through my hands.

“I don't know what to do.”

And I didnt. I had no clue. The pain in my chest was unbearable and I didnt know how to sleep without it hurting. I wanted it all to stop but I didn't know how.

“It would stop if I were dead.”

Here's the thing about loneliness. It goes. A human is so strong and so powerful physically and emotionally. All those things or people that were holding you together you don't need them. It may feel like you do when they're there or even when they leave and you can feel yourself coming apart at the seams because there is no one holding you together any more. What you can't see yet is that you don't need anyone to hold you together anymore and you never did. It sure was the easy way out but it's not the only way. It may feel like you'll never be okay again, as if such a task were impossible. You may not even remember a time where you felt okay but I assure you, even if it was when you were a baby, there was one which means it is possible. It will happen. It may take longer than you want it to but it always takes longer than we want it to but it will happen.

Put yourself out there. It is going to seem like an impossible task to do this too but people are everywhere and the amazing thing about people is that they are inherently good. No one you don't know is going to try hurt you on purpose so just try it. If you are truly lonely what do you have to lose by talking to someone. Nothing. There are billions of people on the planet. There will always be someone out there, maybe in the least expected place who is ready to always be there for you when you need them, be it as a friend, confidant, role model or lover. The right people are there. You just have to look.

There is always one person that never leaves you and that is you. No matter where you go or what other people do or say or even what you say so treat yourself kindly and with respect. There are good things coming. Appreciate yourself for all your worth and make sure others do the same. You are enough just by yourself. You are your own best friend. You are everything you need to be okay and more.

[adhdvane]

i have so much angel halo fodder to farm but its magna fes so now is the best time to do it anyways i’m gunna try and 5* eahta today/tomorrow/at least before 25th is a reasonable goal. i need to max 11 more silver relics so 11 lazuline vessels for that + it takes 745990 exp (approximately ~25 lazuline vessels) to go from lv 1 to 150 (but I might be able to do it in less with journey drop boosts when using them since it seems to say that journey drop boosts and such only have no effect on the exp gain when putting weapons into the reserve and not the act of using the vessel on a item and vessels are also special considering unlike other exp upgrader items they can have a chance of grand success and its double jour drops right now so might as well) then other than that all i need are 6 more silver centrums, 4 of which i can get from just hosting the raid twice today (if i somehow get blessed i can get all six if i can get them to drop from the share chest both times) (otherwise getting 8 more heavenly horns from just joining raids to get 10 to trade for the other 2 centrums will be easy) (i have the two peacemaker stars for the two hosts) (i then proceeded to ramble too long so the rest is under the cut. ii keep writing shit out tat’s too long and then just deleting everything and never posing my rambling anymore but like fuck it at this point im keeping this)

and that’s it, i already did the awakening step on all 10 katanas yesterday which was the most painful step bc need 500 white dragon scales will always be the worst step in my opinions, which is why i spent yesterday getting to like 438 yesterday using the campaign exclusive quest (bc the drop rate for scales on that quest is surprisingly amazing considering the low ap cost even after you’ve done it 30 times) (but i ended up quitting 438 and then proceeded to buy the remaining 62 with cerulean stone bc i have a bunch still and tbh the only thing worth spending cerulean stones on are white dragon scales or shit like translucent silk, broken teacup, coverging rays, etc bc the drop rate for those is stupid, and i guess technically i’m going to need those 50 jumbo best bones when i get to the 5* part of death, but i still have more than enough stones if i wanted to buy all 50 of those drops and i’ll defiantly be getting even more after the roulette starts so i’m not even concerned, bc yeah i got the sunlight stone now for death but i’m still pretty damn far from deal w/death, though maybe not as far as i think if i just remember to host my go and primarch raids for a couple days, wow yeah actually im stupidly closer than i thought bc im only 12 celus fragments from all 30 i need, the only annoying issue in the last step is going to be taking the time to farm the 10 primeval horns bc sometimes they don’t drop when you join proto hl, i know its guaranteed from share i’m just always weary about hosting that raid since it is 18-man elixir limited and i can’t solo it, and have had a time in the past were i was only joined by people leaching and it sucks when only you and like 1 other person contribute. so i always feel better join one bc i can make a decent contribution (and even like sort of mvp race or usually more vice mvp race for like 2nd or 3rd) (okay one time i joined a proto baha hl raid that was between like 70~60% bc it was on earth and 8 ppl already, and upon joining discovered like most of them had jumped ship, and the log was dead and was like well fuck, but started raiding anyways, and trying to send back up requests anyways, ended up getting some momentum, painfully got it always through to 50% dark by my self (kind of annoyed i took my light grid with my spheric harp bc i thought it was going to be an instance were it would get to 50% super fast so the off element wouldn’t matter and not that everyone but host had retreated) and then like around ~45% another person finally joined and me and this one other person destroyed the rest of the boss in like a minute, that was one of like 4 or 5 times i’ve mvp’d proto baha hl upon joining. tbh i kinda wish i knew what the host was doing, like if they were sitting there watching, was afk, or had like left the raid page to do other things. like if they were just hoping someone would come in and beat it for them, or had sorta given up but didnt want to fully end the raid just incase, look okay i just felt fucking good thinking i helped out a lower rank player get through a hl raid that they were abandoned on by several other players who appeared to have either not being strong enough, or joined saw the damage and jumped ship bc it looked like it was going to fail. though if i remember correctly the time limit was pretty far gone so that’s probably also why no one was joining, i was just a dumb fuck who didn’t look at the time before i joined, then realized, and then just fucking felt bad and was like well fuck it lets see how far i can go by myself bc clearly everyone else is dead and i don’t have anything to lose and im not stoping anyone else from potentially saving this bc there’s still like 7 slots open that anyone can join at any time...) anyways the last thing i wanted to say was i remember i was like a little peeved when they announced everyone who finished chapter 4.5 in the demon slayer collab would get kengo for free bc FARMING FOR KENGO AROUND THE TIME IT CAME OUT HURT BC I HADN’T BEEN HL FOR VERY LONG SO IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT, esp like bc extra II class suck worse than row iv bc you have to make the ccw element change for every goddamn class. but i was glad they compensated us with materials and i was mostly just glad for the extra silver centrums and steel brick (even tho i just realized i have fucking 50 steel bricks where the fuck did those come from like i don’t remember having so many), but i remember thinking to myself like oh wow thank 40 samurai distinctions, thats so useful, wow, what am i going to do make another murakumo and unsigned kaneshige?? i think im good. guess those will sit there forever... and then a couple days ago when i started thinking about finishing eahta up since i literally finished farming the demon slayer event the day after the second half was unlocked (when u can just auto extreme+ with ur fire team u don’t have to do shit, i got all the items i wanted and after than even played to get the 200 battle trophy for the heck of it. i only wanted the tickets, ring, dama crystals, steel, summon unlock mats just ‘cause those spellbooks, skill jewels, the fire urns bc i know they’re farmable but they’re annoying and i am low on fire urns, and then i was like i guess the summon since it’s a 1 copy only thing and can’t be reduced even though i’ll literally never use it bc i have gabriel and gabriel has a sub aura, i guess maybe it could be potentially useful for prometheus solo’ing because of the 1 turn debuff resistance, but the times i did solo prometheus i never had problems running out of veils or clears and tbh garnet carbuncle has a shorter cooldown and again i’ve got lily and gabriel already (and 5* lucifer now) so like i’d much rather have my four summon slots for that be gabe, moon ssr, luci, garnet carbuncle. (heck i don’t even take extra damage cuts for the wilnas trial vane, lily, gabriel, and 5* feower’s gravity and delaying the everloving shit out of wilnas is enough for me, though i’ve never done the raid so maybe it would be helpful there.) anyways then i just spend the rest of the event drops on half elixers, and back to what i was saying i was thinking about finishing eahta and looking at all the mats i need and then remember oh yeah i need 30 class distinctions don’t i? which ones do i need for eahta??? oH THAT’S RIGHT. SAMURAI DISTINCTIONS. so that fuckin worked out perfect (not that i don’t have the pendents to just buy them anyways). anyways im going to shut up now and probably never re-read any of this ramble i wrote ever again bc adhd brain be like no read only write

[moonofinfinity]

28.01.19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ja8054W5Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXind9P79w

This will be easy for you. You’re a strong-willed guy with appraisable resilience and you’ve said it multiple times already that you’re good at not caring, so i know this will be easy for you. Everyday ive asked for courage to do this. It seems like all the effort ive done to be better from back then has been slowly getting stripped off away from me violently and i know if this continues, one day ill be left with nothing and back to where i was.

You see, i think we both know that im the one who’s scared to let go. To let go of you. Again. I only realised that the other day. See, you can walk away anytime, because you can, that’s you. That’s your personality, who you can be. If i tell you to go, without hesitation you’ll go. But for me, because i still have you deep within my heart, i dont want to lose you again even if right now the only thing i have of you is a fragment— like a shard from a broken glass. A fragment that im holding onto so hard that blood would trickle down my hands from the broken edges. There were times when i would ask, ‘why did you come back’ and i did ask you that. Your answer didn’t suffice. I was selfish. It didn’t satisfy the whirlwind of thoughts in my head. But then again maybe it’s on me. For re-opening the doors as i did say in my letters that when you do decide to come back, i would be waiting with open arms. They were when you did. But you being around my arms again, it felt like you had thorns sticking out your body because it hurt. I didnt notice it at first, like it was only a small pinch. At the start it wasnt deep, superficial only. Then slowly it got more stronger, more disturbing. It began to prick my skin. The longer this went on, the thorns dug deeper, seeping through my skin until it reached the wound that was partially healed and tore it open once more like it was nothing.

There has been countless of nights where thoughts of you, her, you and her, would consume my nights and urge the tears to flow down. Some were just ugly fat tears and some were just proper breakdowns. I thought it didnt bother me. How you two got back together right after us. At the start it really didnt. I was grateful that you wanted to personally tell me and for me to know the truth. It hit me a few weeks later and oh did it hit. It was compromising my peace when im with you, and when im not.

We’re all selfish beings. Im selfish. Im weak. Im stupid. I admit all of that. I was strong enough to move on before, now i have to be strong to walk away. Walk away from something i once wanted so bad i could hardly think. Oh the irony. I should be ecstatic. Jumping in joy that you’re back in my life. However I’m being torn open, slowly, gradually. It’s taking away from me, when i had so little in the first place. What would be left if i give you my all? The only thing im going to say sorry for is not keeping my end of the bargain. We both said we knew what we were getting ourselves into- no expectations, no nothing. Let it run its course. Right? But actually as a matter of fact i didnt know what i was getting myself into. I wasnt fully healed yet when you appeared out of the blue. I thought i could get through this by pretending i didnt care, didnt give a shit. But unfortunately pretending to be heartless wasnt the answer. Not when i wasnt over us completely. So I’m sorry.

This will be easy for you, my Aden. How long ago since i last called you that. I was finally walking along side of you, even ahead of you. But now i feel like im back to where i was, where i couldnt even reach you no matter how hard i tried. I think i can finally say to myself, that i deserve a better situation than this. A situation where i don’t question where i stand. Whether i should reach out or not, or if im even gonna get a reply. A situation where im imagining the things you’re doing when you’re not with me and jumping into conclusions. A situation where im unsure of myself and memories of before haunting me. Memories of us, memories of you and her. A situation where i have to remind myself what i felt when i was left by myself, to re-live those scenes in my head in the hopes of hurting myself with reality. A situation where i have to imagine the two of you together so that i hurt myself to detach myself from my own feelings, for you. How sick is that. Would you consider it self-harming. I wonder. It might have been late but I know i dont deserve this. To do this to myself. I think i did though-realise this long ago. Instead of paying heed to it, i ignored it. Why? Because the idea that you missed me too to come back engulfed my selfish desires.

For a while ive been selling myself short. Saying to myself that i dont deserve you. I dont deserve the time you give me. Now, i think im strong enough to think what if we ask it the other way. Do I deserve this? I know I’m difficult to love, but I know I am worth loving.

Im a coward. Posting this here instead of messaging you, or telling you about it. I think it’s a defence mechanism, so i dont have to witness you walking away without hesitation. Now i dont know till when you’re going to see this. This is an accumulation of thoughts and wonders built not just in a day, a few to be exact. The barrier i put up strongly to not fall for you again, it’s been slowly being chipped away bit my bit and is on the verge of collapsing. So before it does, i need to do something to stop that from happening. Please don’t be mad. I doubt you will be actually but just leave me with the thought that you’d care one bit at least, okay? At least leave me with that.

I love you. So fucking much that it hurts you being here when i cant have you. Yes i did miss you. Every single time you asked if i did the answer has been always a yes, i did. Thank you for everything and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. I dont have to list the things i got, received, learned and experienced from you and with you, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being yourself while you were with me. For being unapologetic, for being you, for being Neal. My love, my Aden, I won’t ever forget you. Ever. This time im not going to say ‘maybe someday’ because I learned that the word someday is a dangerous word, because it’s just a code word for ‘never’. Another quote i saw about the word someday was from this guy called Tim Ferris and he said, “Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. If it’s important to you and you want to do it ‘eventually’, just do it and correct the course along the way.” I’m not going to cling on the hope that maybe someday we’ll find each other again. I’m going to let life happen and if by chance we run to each other then ill let it be.

You didnt even have to read this. You have no obligation to me. We have no ties with each other, no responsibilities. It may even sound over the top to you, that im saying all of this when you and me were just ‘chill’. But these are my feelings that ive kept bottled up while being with you and it’s making me restless. This is the emotional roller coaster ive been through. I dont know if you’d feel guilty after reading all of this but do know that it’s not my intention to do so. I want to be honest, transparent. To say all the things I’ve been wanting to say ever since you came back that I never got to, because of the fear that once I do you’ll let go and leave me on air once again. This time maybe we’ll use a quicksand metaphor. The further I let myself sink, the harder it will be to get out. It’s a scenario where no one is there to save me, not even you, even though I let you threw me in that quicksand.

From this point on, I’m not gonna bother you anymore. I’m not going to bombard you with messages that you might not even read, might not even reply to. I’m not going to ask you to see me, to initiate a meeting that i feel like you’re being forced to go to. You’ve always been bragging about how you’re by yourself, so I’m going to fully fulfil that for you. Our memories from before, the memories you want to preserve so dearly, we’ll leave them alone as it is; memories. Whatever the future holds for you, that I will pray for. You are and have always been in my prayers, and surprisingly so is she. In fact I think I pray for her more than I do for you haha. Whatever the future holds for you, I will always be thankful that I got to be part of your life.

I want you to know this: I’m so thankful to have met you. God has taught me that every person that comes into your life is a lesson. And you were one of the lessons that I am so grateful for. I’m so thankful to have been with you, to know you. To have been with you through the most turbulent times of my life. To grow as person through you, with you. To have been supported by you, loved by you. You are a blessing that will always be in my heart. I will treasure all of that. You will always hold a special place in my heart and in my soul. I loved you with all my being, with all my strength, with all that I had. To the point that it left me with nothing. But I know this for a fact, that I fought hard. I loved harder than I have ever before in my whole life and I know that in itself is a victory and you are the subject of that love. No one can take that away from me, and no one can say otherwise.

See you never, Kiefferdenn.

to infinity and beyond,

to the moon and back,

— Rojaneel.