#did not fucking occur to me that o yeah woodworking = maths = geometry I FEEL SO SILLYYYYYY AND NOT IN THE FUN WAYYYYY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zhalar · 9 months

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hate that i have to come out. i hate that!!! i hate that if i want to experience a modicum of gender peace for these upcoming two years i have to tell my new teachers that im nonbinary and would like to use [this name] even though none of my official papers have it on them, and probably wont, cuz its not A Name that i can confidently believe will pass the naming convention.. laws... of this country. I HATE THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PLEAD MY CASE AND EXPLAIN MYSELF. im trying to construct this message that i’ve got no idea will even be read or noted just to have it in my student record somewhere that “hey im SOOOO sorry but if its not a problem to you i would love to feel like a human person even on a name-basis during my studies and im MORE than fine to be otherwise (mis)gendered as long as its not a problem to YOUUUUU also i know that my legal name is literally on show in every school email and profile so whatever i say here matters none cause everyone will only see that clearly gendered name and not give a flying fuck about this “”nickname”” im trying to get going since its not my LEEEGAAALL name but thats also so fine with me if i could Just get the clear to sign my emails and whatsapp messages with my preferred name thankyouuu :)”

sorry im always complaining here it gets ANNOYING. im mostly trying to get my own brain straight about this matter. uhggh BUT ITS SO AWKWARD TO WRITE THAT MESSAGE. i dont want to explain myself but i also dont! want! to make a scene!!!! im so pissed off at myself for not opening my DAMN MOUTH when the group-wide introductions happened this week. shoulda just bit the bullet and said ive got [this] name in official papers but would prefer to be called särmä. literally could feel the nerve escaping my body when it came to my turn. fucking hell

(EDIT ive calmed down. i didnt send the message fuck this noise, im just gonna hope that i’ll get it out face to face this next week [biting through glass])

#i dont know man. im like 90% sure one of the classmates is a trans dude which. poggers as hell considering where we are #(hes got trans-flag color beads in his shoelaces and i may have seen a binder but genuinely none of my business its just smile to me)#so me coming out nonbinary shouldnt be a big deal . hopefully. but being binary trans and nonbinary are still kinda different things #for some 50yo man to wrap his mind around. clearly. when they keep referring to our group as boys and girls (men and women) exclusively #this would all be so much easier if i'd just changed my name legally and come clean to anyone in my daytoday life. bet id be more confident #introducing myself as särmä to strangers that way #särmäs sermons #its always this flavor with me lol #ALSO YEAH LMAO FUCK. FUUUCK picking my name i didnt foresee that särmä is a Work Word that people in this field Use <3 #did not fucking occur to me that o yeah woodworking = maths = geometry I FEEL SO SILLYYYYYY AND NOT IN THE FUN WAYYYYY #i could just use the regular ol finnish almanac name that ive got for situations like this one but its so clearly Male that im even LESS #confident trying to get near strangers call me that in a work/school environment #i love you trans people who take up space and are upfront and loud about your transness youre literally everything to me.#one day im gonna be like you.

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