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punkscowardschampions · 6 years

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Rio & Buster

Rio: *The worst thing was not even being able to cry. Okay, so that wasn't true but it made the pain, that she thought couldn't possibly be any more, deepen, burrowing deep down inside her, not allowed to be felt, growing there, hollowing her out from the inside. She was hollow now. A literal husk. Like one of those creatures that get eggs laid in its brain or whatever, happily and mindlessly growing the imposter babies until they're big enough to eat their way out. But she hadn't even been tricked, it wasn't mindless, injected on the sly, unaware. She had OFFERED to do this. Happily growing her, the baby, Venus, her baby but not, day after day. Acting as if she could do this. How could they have believed her? How could they be all smiles and happy tears and joy, snatching her from her arms, when she was lying there, torn apart by this. How? She wasn't that good an actress. Buster knew. Had known from the start. Couldn't have listened, could she? No, had to prove him wrong, prove she was a good person, sister. Hope it was worth it. Because what have you got to show for it now? His car came to a stop in the driveway. She didn't get out. Couldn't. Jay wasn't there right now, obviously, but she'd be back soon. How could she look after her, give her her baths, tell her stories, play with her, cook her meals, when her whole body and mind was screaming to look after her own baby. She needed her. Venus needed her. Rio shook her head, tears silently trickling down her face, finally, a numb sort of acceptance.* Buster: *He'd done everything he was meant to do, months of rubbing her back to try and erase tension and fucking sadness she liked to try and pretend wasn't there, exchanged for hours of the same action, but with pain so physical it couldn't be denied. On the one hand he was grateful that it had to hurt (selfish and cunty as that sounded) 'cause it pushed every other sensation aside, giving her an out, as their was no way she could think of anything but getting the baby out. On the other (yet more selfish and cunty) he was angry that from where he stood there was no forgetting that this wasn't the end, more like the worst beginning, and the next part, the after, he had no idea how to prepare for. Yeah, he could hold her hand in the delivery room and feed her ice when she needed it, no worries, but how the hell was he meant to keep hold when they left (empty handed as he'd warned) and feed her lies that neither of them believed in or found comforting? Fucking hell. It was hell, as much as they'd ever been in it. Buster hadn't felt out of depth when they placed either of his daughters in his arms, but now, holding Rio, he had to admit he was lost. Still, he did it, forcing a closeness he knew she wouldn't ask for. Didn't think she deserved. Wrong again, that much he could let be wordlessly spoken for all the 'I told you so' bullshit he never would.* Rio: *She didn't have it in her to push him away. She had no fight left. She didn't lean into it either though, remaining rigid, not allowing herself to get comfort from it. Didn't deserve it. The 'told you so' wouldn't come, of course, talk what he liked, he wasn't that cunt. But she was. And it true. He had. Punishment enough in what had happened, he surely reckoned. If only. She had plenty of ideas of how she could hurt herself forever over this. Keep that to herself too, knowing he'd try and put a stop to that. What a fucking mess she had dragged him into. Understatement. And just another reason to hate herself.* Buster: *Left without a single option for how to bring her back into the world he simply resolved to bring the world to her. Theirs. 'Cause not everything had changed, it couldn't have. There was already enough to deal with, too much really, and that was just from his perspective. Selfish again, but all he had to work with, his pressure to thrive from, since Rio was making it abundantly clear he was locked out of hers. The silence was pressing down making the car feel cramped, small and cheap. Unrecognisable. Still, that was easily remedied, that degree of escape at least, he unbuckled her seatbelt and carried her out, into the house like she weighed nothing. Compared to this, she honestly didn't, the blanket he covered her with once he placed her on the sofa seemed heavier, equipped for a chill that shouldn't exist, and he knew didn't, anywhere else.* Rio: *Waking up, not knowing how she got here, or when she passed out. Not out of the ordinary back in the day but so very, very wrong now. How could she sleep when she didn't know where her baby was? How she was? Why wasn't her body keeping her awake, sheer instinct, if nothing else? The need to protect overriding any exhaustion and agony, mental and physical. Clearly, she wasn't the Mother everyone painted her to be, that she'd allowed herself to think she was, could be.* What time is it? *It had to be late, it was dark. She must've slept all day. What a useless fucking bitch.* Buster: *He'd kept himself busy, forcing himself into being not just present, but extra attentive while Rio couldn't be. Buster told himself that it wasn't selfish (for once) reasoning that drove him, leaving water beside her rather than tea that'd sit untouched until it was cold, he knew, or coffee that'd leave a sour taste in her mouth. But he wasn't no saint, even now, and if he could be honest if only in his own head, it hurt to look at her. Like this. So he arranged for Jay to be collected and kept overnight before she could take a step over the threshold, barely a fucking reprieve, obviously, but he was trying. Had to. Got other shit done he'd been putting off, leaning hard into the legal jargon, until his eyes blurred but nothing else would. Of fucking course. He'd been making dinner, a recipe firmly in mind, he'd swear, when he heard her and dropped the salad tongs without registering that sound. * Late. Rio: *She nodded, shrugging a 'sorry' his way too for good measure, mouth too dry to attempt any more words than she'd managed there. Voice cracked, broken from the effort that was frankly subpar at best, piss poor if they were being honest and there was no room for any more lies. Especially from her. How was he going to believe her on anything ever again? How was she? That was broken too. She was. The idea that they might be was one too far. She started sobbing, again. Broken record. She was already sick of it so god knows he was. Rio tried to do it silently, as if he wasn't also sneaky surreptitious glances at her that hurt her heart, making her feel as fragile as the look betrayed he reckoned she was now. Not wrong, again. Fuck. Another realisation hitting, how had she been allowed to sleep so long, and why was it so quiet? Panic like a lightning bolt jolting her up and over to him, freakishly fast, desperate.* Where's Jay? Buster: *He nodded himself, a gesture towards the full glass, offering her a drink without having to actually say it. How was he meant to tell her to do anything again, after this? He'd said to do it, giving her the go ahead of something he knew was wrong. And for what, so her brother and his boyfriend could be the only ones all smiles? Fuck that. His jaw clenched, which he felt, pre-ache, while he gripped the counter top with a force he didn't yet. Braced. For whatever. Or so he'd reckoned, until the tears came and proved him not remotely ready for it. The instinct to say 'Don't' was swallowed, thank Christ, but managed to stick painfully in his throat anyway. A hard lump. Burning eyes which he blamed tiredness for rubbing as he reproached himself with the sort of harsh words he'd never aim anywhere else. The silence was even more deafening 'cause it wasn't total now, punctuated by sounds from her. Heartbreaking for how quiet they were, despite the pain that they came from being anything but. Buster tried to shake himself out of this shit, springing out of the rut so it'd change shape. Let it be big enough for two, he owed her that, for everything he'd said and hadn't. Where he'd stopped but not properly drawn a line. Been a pussy. Worse than.* At a sleepover. Better social life than any of us these days, like. *It shook him how normal his voice sounded compared to the hours of internal monologue that'd gone on and on as Rio slept. He was about to shrug, feed that lie that this was a typical scene on another day, but his jaw clinked. A reminder that it wasn't. The wake up call he needed.* If you need me to get her back for you, I can do it. *Blue eyes locked on green. He didn't mean Jay and they both knew it.* Rio: *Rio tried to convince herself that the sleepover was a pre-planned thing, like Jay had been buzzing about it for ages but that was a load of shit and it stung like the slap in the face it was. Another failing. She truly didn't need anymore but she just kept letting them pile up and up; going for a world record, like? She was about to protest, say that he should've let her come Home, and she could've gone...somewhere else. God fucking knew she couldn't face her Mother and Father right now, how she would ever alluding her heartbroken brain too but she'd have found somewhere to curl up and die. She was about to argue her case when he said it. Making confident eye contact, his voice not wavering one octave. Like it was easy. Like it was right. Like she should. She shook her head, taking several steps back, wary.* Don't. Don't fucking say that. Buster: *This shit had him up against the ropes, trapped like nothing else, but he was still himself. Had to be. There was no retreating and staying fucking catatonic for him. Ever. He didn't blame her for trying it, like, wouldn't ever, but Buster McKenna would die fighting his corner. And this was it. What mattered. Rio could tell him that there was no going back, but he knew the only way that was true was if he backed down. Again.* Don't say it ain't what you want. Or that it can't be done. If me and Chlo could co-parent for fucking years, they could deal with you having your kid. It's not like they'd never see her, is it? Demi's got rights, same as you. *He paused to take a deep breath. *Junior'll still be a parent, like you are to Jay. And Kira. Rio: Of course it is, I know how fucking obvious it is to see, but it doesn't matter what I want! *She stared at him, disbelief and pure fury that he was here acting like this were a possibility when it wasn't. It was cruel, unbelievably so, couldn't he see that? Head back to shaking like she was a fucking nodding dog, such a yes woman all of a sudden changing her tune.* They didn't sign up for that. I made a promise and I have to keep my end of it. Legally, yeah, there was no contract, just the exchange of money on a promise, so I see where your brain has gone already but do you think I wanna drag my own Brother through the Courts because I can't keep to my fucking word? *She raises her hands to say 'Well? What's your response now?' because how could she?* I don't know how I'm going to live with this hurt but I'm going to have to. I can't be that bitch, can I? How selfish would I have to be to wish this on Junior? Jesus! Buster: *He couldn't remember the last time he was this angry, or allowed to be. But neither of his daughters were in earshot tonight and of all there was to lose, self control was the least of it.* Bullshit. *He spat the word out like it actually tasted bad. *That's all that matters, Rio. Fuck's sake! *It was impossible to stare back at her with everything he could see in hers when their eyes met, but harder still to look away. Fuck. *Erin didn't sign up for me cheating on and knocking her up, but things happen, yeah? Nothing has to be set in stone. Especially when you can't promise me that your plan is any fucking better. *God he needed a drink. Or to hit something. Maybe both.* It wouldn't get that far, you know that. Junior loves you and if he loves that baby at all he isn't gonna behave like Chlo. He ain't that bitch. *Frustration kept building and he finally pinched the bridge of his nose (not bleeding but it might as well be if they traded any more 'punches') hard enough to focus himself for at least a second. A breath. *Oh, fuck off! He was happy to let you play Auntie for the rest of the kid's life, why is it selfish for him to stay at uncle. Rio: *She rolls her eyes. No doubt would make him madder than he already was but they were past the point of doing and saying, (or holding back from), things to keep the other happy in this moment.* To you maybe but not to anyone else. Sorry I'm not all that fun right now, give me a day at least, fucking hell, like. *Certain that would pack the desired K.O. punch, relying on it honestly because she needed him to stop talking because the more he talked the more she wanted to say 'yeah, you're right, let's do this'. If she let herself agree, to say what she wanted to say, to do what she wanted to do, there would be no going back. She had to hold it together, stop it from happening and it was so unfair because she had never been weaker than now and she had to be the strong one, for everyone's sake. As fucking per. No rest for the wicked, yeah? Rio was trying hard not to listen, it was about all she could do, aside from walking away and they both knew she had nowhere the fuck to be or go. Of course, weren't that easy, head snapping back to him from down at her nails, (like she was so bored and nonplussed), when he mentioned Junior.* Because- that. was. the. agreement. Get it through your thick head, please! It's not as if they've actually snatched her, even if that's how it feels. It isn't selfish because I sat there for nine months smiling and acting like it was what I wanted, you can't blame them, no matter how hard you try. This is my fault, Buster. And I have to deal with that. Buster: Fuck you. *There was a tone of voice he finally recognised, all bullshit he'd just tried to call out stripped away, not just fitting the situation but refusing to diffuse it. He poured himself a measure of whiskey and downed it, slamming the empty glass down without offering her anything, or saying anything else at all. Just as well 'cause he was wasting his breath. He heard that loud and clear. Time for her to get a dose of the same truth, he loved her, really fucking much, but he couldn't do this, what she was insisting she was going to. The 9 months that had just gone by was one kind of tightrope, he'd run the length of it for her gladly, would again without question. But what she was asking (no, just telling him, like) here and now? There was no outrunning that, he was fucking struggling to keep pace already and there wasn't going to be a finishing line. Not until it finished them.* Deal with it then. *It was almost a whisper, the quiet murmur in stark contrast to his before. How quiet it seemed once he got himself to move further than the drinks cabinet, despite the fact he was basically blowing his life up, as he knew and wanted it. Then what, turning his back on the pieces? Yeah. He gave her a glare that said both 'don't wait up for me' and 'don't come after me', insisting with every step he took to the front door without looking back.* I ain't nothing but a selfish cunt, yeah? Looks like there's nothing left in common, sorry babe. Rio: *It wasn't like him to walk away. To not give her the chance to say her piece, and to say his back, and on and on until they resolved it, or got sick of arguing, basically. That's why it was so scary. Fucking terrifying. Meant to sit here and watch him walk out on her, yeah? Fuck that. Surprising herself with how able she was to move, able to shout and scream when just moments ago she could only just croak out a sentence. She wasn't fully aware of, or in control, of what she was saying, hence she was able to be so contradictory and not feel any shame in it.* Really? Really? You're fucking leaving me, now?! Fine, go then, fuck off, go on! *And in the same breath-* Buster, please, please don't! Come back, I'm sorry, I love you! Don't go! *Words and the sentiment behind them a rushed, panicked and angry mess, leaving her at the front door, shut in her face, him on the other side, God knows where. And God only knew if he was coming back for her, ever. Pressing her forehead on the cool glass, the slid down, 'til she was on her knees, a fucking sobbing state on the floor. Too late to pray now, girl.*

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