#disclaimer: I am not trying to blame any character here for ray's problems

[xceanlynx]

Did you sneak in there to get high? Why don't you love yourself at all, Ray? I told you to quit using drugs. You drink and do drugs. You're gonna die before you turn thirty.

Only Friends (2023) dir. Jojo Tichakorn & Ninew Pinya

[thewayuarent]

Handling an addiction. Part 1.

Cause oh we need to have this conversation

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, and I won’t pretend to be. This is based on my personal experience as someone who is/was in several relationships with people who struggle from different forms of addiction. I want to clarify that I do understand all characters and while I’m going to critique them I do not blame them. The very important thing to remember is that it's a very complicated topic and there is no clear right answer to it. Let's keep in mind that any conversation about any difficult topic is always mostly one-sided and it's impossible to talk about everything once. This is about addiction and only about it, but all characters are way more then that one topic. Are we good now? Let's go.

So, let’s talk about Ray’s addiction and how people in his life are failing to handle it. 

The most important thing to remember is: addiction is a disease. By definition of most medical associations all over the world. Addiction is not a personal choice. And while it doesn’t excuse Ray’s behaviour throughout the show, it explains it. And this is a big difference. Ray as a character is much more than just his addiction, absolutely. But his addiction is a huge part of who he is and how he behaves and we need to constantly remember about it.

This conversation begins every week after every episode. Most people who seem to understand the complexity of his situation are also people who have a lot of sympathy and understanding towards him, and this is great. There are also a lot of people who feel towards him mostly annoyance and desire for him to stop without understanding why he can't - and this list starts from characters in the show. It’s, again, understandable. It’s also the worst thing you can do towards someone who struggles from addiction. 

So let’s start from Ray’s friend group and we’ll go from the least harmful to most harmful characters’ behaviour.

Boston. Yeah, shockingly, I know. But the fact is - Boston actually has the best-ish (from the worst so it’s not a high ground here) approach towards Ray’s addiction. And why? Well, cause he doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t pretend to do. Boston is way far from the good support system Ray actually needs but at least he never judges Ray for his habits. He won’t help him, sure, but he won’t damage him harder (well, he is, but on a different topic).

We don’t actually know a lot about this friend group dynamic outside of their current drama and one episode happened two years ago. But we kind of can assume (cause Mew said it twice - in episodes 1 and 6) that Boston at least on some level was periodically responsible for taking Ray home. Which is really weird for me, by the way, cause both times Mew said Boston will take care of him Boston was also drinking. Not on Ray’s level, but still not in a shape to drive. But whatever. 

Don’t get me wrong, Boston is a shitty friend. He’s the one called Ray a burden in episode 1 which led to Ray rushing out.

And he intentionally targets Ray more than once towards the show about Mew, which is absolutely harmful and not helpful (can we talk about the weird obsession Boston has about Ray and Mew having sex? Like dude relax, nobody cares. Well, Top does).

He is absolutely not someone you want to have in your support system while trying to heal (not if Ray’s trying but we’ll get to that in part 2). But at least he is honest about not wanting to handle an addict. And the truth is: no one in this friends group wants to. And it’s fine, actually, more on that in a minute. But oh the level of hypocrisy the other two have.

Cheum. So, I truly don’t understand what the show is trying to tell us with this one. It’s either a clear critique on the hypocrisy people tend to have towards addicts or an attempt to show how addiction ruins not only people with it but also their surroundings. And if it’s the second one then I have a problem with how it’s shown.

There is a gold rule of cinema: show, don’t tell. We are told more than once that Cheum and Mew were actively trying to stop Ray. But what we’re actually shown is way different. The thing is, they are college kids. They drink a lot. They party a lot. And if we see this group all together they are either in university or drinking (except for the iconic pool scene). And specifically Cheum seems to get drunk pretty often. So while we’re told they tried to help Ray we’re shown only how they actually (unintentionally!!) support his behaviour or ignore it. And what should I think?

I think that they missed the point when Ray’s habits became an actual addiction. And I understand why - it’s a very easy thing to miss. I think that before his suicide attempt they did’t notice his mental struggles. I think after that they were shocked and scared and they didn’t know how to handle it so they chose to ignore it. This is a very common reaction and it’s understandable. 

The very important moment to remember is they don’t owe Ray anything. They can choose to help him and support him or not to deal with it. Handling an addiction is so hard and frustrating and exhausting for every participant. And if they choose to not get themselves into it - it’s normal. It doesn’t make them bad people, as choosing to help doesn't make somebody a better person. It’s a choice and every choice matters.

But if you make this choice - be true to it. Don’t play the “I tried to help you but you don’t want it so it’s on you” card. People with addiction didn’t choose to be that way. But people in their lives? They have an actual choice. No one will judge you if it’s not for you (at least normal people won’t). It’s honestly way better than staying only to constantly remind an addict how bad he is - he knows it already.

The thing I have to say to Cheum is - go away. It’s harsh, but it needs to be said. Don’t lie to yourself or Ray. Tell him (in very careful way) that you are tired, that you can’t handle it, that he needs help you can’t provide. Or stay, but do your research and prepare yourself to long hard work. But don’t continue to constantly drink with him to then be surprised why he can’t get better. Cheum is absolutely not responsible for Ray's actions. But she is responsible for hers. 

The one time I was almost agree with her was that scene.

Because bringing drugs was a very fucked up thing to do - Ray puts at risk not only himself but the whole group and he deserves to be called out on that. But. She continues to put all the blame on Ray - the thing she does the whole episode and it’s just frustrating as hell -  forgetting about Mew. Mew, who actually has a lot of responsibility in that situation.

Mew. Well, he does the worst thing you can imagine to do with a person like Ray. I get it, he’s hurt, I totally understand why he does what he does. I don't think he intends to hurt Ray. But.

Mew forgets a critically important thing here - can you guess which one? - right, that Ray is an addict. Mew can do all this stuff and be fine afterwards. It is always a risk that he won’t, of course, but his superiority complex tells him he’ll be fine. And I also think so - I mean, he's a young adult, he can try partying and drinking and drugs and be totally okay after.

He can turn back. Ray can’t.

Mew did help Ray in his worst moment that one time two years ago, and it is worth remembering. And after that Mew tried his best to distance himself from Ray’s struggles - again, understandable. He was trying to talk with Ray and while it was really bad - I still give him the benefit of a doubt. He is young, he’s not a specialist, he didn’t do any research and he thinks it might work.

But a moment he decides to let loose he turns to Ray for help. Because Ray will never judge him - both cause his idolisation and cause it’s not his place to judge, he does all this stuff himself. And this is absolutely terrible. I’m sorry, but it is. Mew, the same as everyone else, doesn’t owe Ray his help or time or support. But while it is not necessary for him to help Ray, it is a necessity to not actively - and this time intentionally - support him in this.

For Mew everything happening is episode 8 is a journey, a new experience. For Ray it's a fucking relapse.

He knows Ray is an addict. He just doesn’t care at the moment. But it can be so, so dangerous for Ray. Mew started this spiraling down journey, but it’s Ray who will end up at the bottom.

And for everyone who says Ray is also an active participant - he is. But he is not. He has a disease. And he gets in a situation where a person he idolises, his favourite human being, finally doesn’t judge him. Instead, Mew supports him. Mew wants to be like him. Can you imagine even a possibility where Ray in this situation says no? It’s impossible, not in the state he’s in right now.

And this is why I critisize this friend group. This is why they deserve to be criticized. Because this is a depiction of how these things work in reality too. You don't have to help him. But the least thing you can do - if you deside to stay in his life - is to have a compassion towards him and don't get him worse.

In part two I will talk about Ray’s current state and of course about the one person who kind of does the better job here - and why Sand is able to do it.

[marixpedition]

5 Risks That Gave 2019 a 180-Degree Turn

It is almost the end of the year, and here we are trying to look back at what basically happened in the year that is yet to end. I am guessing that it will either be a trip down to memory lane or a flashback of regrets. It is undeniable that we are all rooting for the former though.

2019 embodies a different personality for every person. I have scrolled through Instagram looking at people’s 2019 stories - travel, success, milestones, relationships, reconciliation, breakups, enlightenment, coffee, and more coffee. Some would say it is a year to be thankful for; some would say it is something they have to let go of. I am thinking each year boils down into two options: make or break. 

I have known people who got married this year, had their first child, graduated from college or graduate school, got back with their ex, traveled a lot this year, just got promoted at work. Others I have known of lost a family member, ended a long time relationship, got cheated on, lost an opportunity they have been waiting for so long, was rejected by a person they liked so much or friendzoned, had a friendship gap because of little things that got out of hand.

Disclaimer lang puu: ‘di ako nagbablind item or nangchichismis.

Each year that passes for us is a mathematical problem that just got solved or just left us even more puzzled than we were in this life. If I were to assess my 2019, I choose the latter. There are so many things this year that got me asking myself, “ What the heck was that?” or “What on Earth just happened?”

I am about to share to you 5 personal things that happened in my year and what I learned from them. These are not just 5 personal issues or drama or whatever you would call that, but they are “risks” I took this year that made me tell myself, “Damn, girl! Ano? Rebel ghorl?”

1. Pixie Cut

Christmas of 2018 was when I finally had a short haircut after 3 years of having a long hair, but 2018 was yet to be shaken. It was because I finally decided, middle of this year, to get a pixie after a year of push and pull conflict with myself. I was too excited to get my hair chopped real short that time and also nervous. Why was I nervous? SIZT! I was about to get the shortest length of haircut in my entire life (so far). Who knows I might sport myself a baldy some day? 

Do I consider it a risk? ENTIRELY. It was a huge risk because I was not fully confident that I will be able to pull it off after the magic of the salon blower expires. It turns out to be true. Reactions of the people I know were mixed. “Omg! You cut your hair? I love it!” “It suits you! How I wish I can do the same!” “What happened to your hair?!” “Why did you cut it?” “What are you doing with your life?” (Oo besh may ganun nagtanong, “Ano ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?”)

How did my family react to it? My brother - no comment. My mother - at first she was confused as to why I would cut my hair very short but she eventually accepted my decision. After months of having my pixie, she also got the same hairdo. Idol talaga ako ng nanay ko. ‘Di bale idol ko din naman siya. My father - he did not like it. He thought I looked like a “tomboy” in Filipino context. Jake Zyrus ganorn daw. Even my relatives from the province was not a fan of it especially the titas. I still love them, but I was on the verge of blaming the culture for what it has imposed on women with short hair and glorifying those with long ones. But I said to myself, WHATEVER. 

That is when it hit me. 

That is how it feels when you defy the norms without actually violating any rules. Cliché man pero EMPOWERED tayo mga mamshies. It was following my heart’s desire without compromising my faith and principles nor any relationship. It was a great leap for me - doing something new and beyond my comfort zone.

It reminded me of the day I put my life in the hands of the Lord. Many people would say it is very risky and scientifically unstable based on human calculations, but never in my entire life did I feel like I have done the right-est thing until I have surrendered everything to Him.

But why did I grow my hair again? P350 monthly haircut maintenance at Bench Fix Salon. Mahal, besh. Pulubi na ako.

2. 2nd Pair of Lobe and Helix Piercing

The second thing I will talk about is indeed RISKY. I admit that I have compromised few of my principles and relationships here. Example would be the promise to keep the body pure for it is the temple of the Holy Spirit, which means that having tattoos or cuts/wounds do not make the Lord pleased. Also, because I am an educator who is to be a role model in the academic institution, I must not have gotten a piercing that could push my students to do the same which obviously is not allowed in school.

Second best question is do I regret getting those piercings? Kind of. I am not the type of person who breaks the rules because I detest any form of hassle if it can be avoided. Now, having these piercings is so hassle when I am at work because they have to be removed then put on again at night to make sure the holes do not close.

Hassle talaga, mga besh. Wala eh. Priorities. I love my work more than my nice earrings and piercings.

Kathryn Bernardo made me get the piercings. Haaayy. I still love her though.

Do I recommend piercing? Yes, one pair only for girls. For boys, nah.

But to those who are wondering where I got them (hehe), I’ve had my first pair of lobe since I was a child. I don’t exactly remember where I got them. My second lobe piercings are from Unisilver which used an ear gun. It was more painful compared to needle piercing. My helix piercing was done by Iggy Boy Palma, a professional tattoo and piercing artist, at Whiplash Tattoo in BF Aguirre. Popular question: Which is safer and less painful? Definitely, needle piercing. I give it a 2/10 level of pain.

3. Bleaching my Hair

It was only this December that I finally decided to give my grown pixie a new look. I had the back part trimmed and gave in to the highlights club. At first, I was troubled by how it looked like after having it bleached. IT WAS SUPER LIGHT AND BRIGHT #ManokNaDilaw (yellowish orange). I got nervous because it looked bad on me, and I do not want to be called out again for another violation. So, I had the stylist layer the color with another coating which is gray.

Many people have asked how it was done. Let me share with you how simple it was. First, the stylist tied my hair in half pony tail. The loose part (untied) was the one that got bleached and colored gray. Finally, if you put the pony down, the light dye will be covered but is partially seen which is actually the idea of the style.

Was I happy about it? SUPER. I think this hairstyle is actually cool-subtle kind of rebel. It is not loud obvious, but it shows and stands out. Thank you, Pinterest.

Do I recommend it being done in a salon? Yes! Less hassle, and the stylists know better. However, if you have been coloring your own hair for years now, I guess you could do a DIY not to mention that it will be cheaper.

4. Getting Darker

What is wrong with being dark? NOTHING. But is there something wrong? Yes, many in this country believe that those who are fairer look better. Am I angry? No, but I am sad. Ganda ko kaya, char.

This year, I was blessed to have visited Boracay with my church friend. Despite it being crowded, it was a real paradise (Kala ko nga nasa abroad ako eh puro foreigners legit). The white sand was so fine just like flour. During the trip, I did bring with me sunscreen but not to make myself not get dark but to avoid sunburn. Yes. I was super ready to dive into the sea and just get all that rays on sunshine on my skin. When going on a beach trip, getting a tan is a must. I think tan looks pretty. To cut the long story short, I got darker intentionally lol.

Why is this a risk? I believe I have never been as dark as that in the past four years. After some time, our family went to our province in Quezon. Many of our relatives were like, “Ang itim mo!” “You got dark!” (Ano pa po? Keep it coming!) Well, it’s true, but what is saddening is the facial expressions that accompanied their remarks. Am I mad? Of course, not! It is a risk I do not regret at all. I do not mind getting dark as long as I get dark while on a beach trip and not here in Manila heat.

5. A New Work Responsibility

Now is some serious talk. (Kabado me sa part na ituu) What has changed this academic year for me? First, I got new additional tasks that are more challenging. Second, I am advising both students and teachers already. Third, I’m doing OTs again.

What exactly is this that I am talking about? It’s hard to explain, but let me put it this way. I used to be just an extra in a scene. Now, I am a some sort of a minor character who is tasked to help the protagonist achieve the goal and slay the enemies.

Am I happy about the opportunity? BIG YES. Is it mostly fun doing the job? No (nako nako talaga). There are more emotional heartbreaks, mental breakdowns, and sleepless nights. I have learned things in a not so easy way like how words could mean differently to the company and to the customer and how honest and transparent I must be to our clients. There were moments when I think I knew better, and it was so difficult to submit to authority. In those times, I was able to prove again that only God will remain consistent by my side. He is my constant help and supporter who encouraged me to choose what is right rather than what is convenient.

Did this opportunity put me in a better situation? Triple yes. I admit that the journey is an uphil climb. There is absolutely zero shortcuts (hirap kung hirap mga kapatid). However, God surrounded me with people who helped me mature, be graceful under pressure, control my emotions, laugh despite the hurt, and clearly see the beauty of being a teacher.

To end this post, I would like to just praise the God Almighty for His faithfulness in our lives. Getting through the 365 days is no joke. There were nights I thought of not going to work the next day because I had so many doubts and insecurities. Fortunately, I have only had one absence because I was sick. It was an ironman race to finish 2019. There were several curves and confusing directions which stressed me so much. Even though it was exhausting and tempting to give up, God pushed me to not stop moving until the end of the race (which of course I have not reached yet).

My 2019 is not as extravagant or controversially interesting as others’, but what I can say is that in those motivating experiences that happened in my year, I have earned a bigger faith in Him.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

v. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

v.7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

[dragonydreams]

Fic: This Is Who I’m Meant To Be 4/5 - Captain Canary

Title: This Is Who I'm Meant To Be Fandom: DC's Legends of Tomorrow Rating: Mature Pairings/Characters: Sara Lance/Leonard Snart, mentions Leonard Snart/Mick Rory, mentions Sara Lance/Nyssa Al Ghul Summary: When Leonard tells Sara to stand down from killing Stein, it resonates with her in a way that she never expected to feel again. Can he be what she now needs him to be? Warnings: BDSM, D/s, whipping, bondage Timeline: Between 1.05 (Fail-Safe) and 1.07 (Marooned) Word Count: 6,183 (Total) Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over these characters. I am merely borrowing them from Berlanti Productions, DC Entertainment, and Warner Bros. Television. Any recognizable dialog belongs to them. Betas: Thank you to angelskuuipo and shanachie for looking this over for me. Also a big thank you to my additional beta, who chose to remain anonymous, for helping to make sure that I got the D/s parts of the story accurate. Author's Note 1: Written for @leonardsnartbigbang​​ - My goal was 5,000 words, which I went a little over. ;) Author's Note 2: I have wanted to read a story like this for a long time and since none existed, that meant that I had to write it. I hope that I did it justice as an accurate representation of a D/s lifestyle.

Or read full story at AO3.

Chapter 4

Several days later the ship was still idling in the time stream. Sara and Leonard were playing gin in one of the cargo holds while Mick paced like a caged animal.

"I'm done," Mick growled, throwing one of Sara's knives at the wall.

"Don't mind him. He's still sore about having to leave 2046," Leonard said.

"I'm sore because I was recruited for my unique ability to light things on fire. And now, I'm locked in the one place where I can't light things on fire: a spaceship," Mick ranted.

"Where do you think you're going?" Leonard asked as Mick stepped over his and Sara's legs on his way up the stairs.

"Why? You gonna clock me in the head if I don't listen again?" Mick accused. He glared at Leonard for another beat before turning and stomping up the stairs.

"Everything okay with you two?" Sara asked, glancing up from her cards.

"Yeah, peachy," Leonard drawled.

"He needs a scene," Sara said, playing a card.

Leonard sighed. "I know. But after ending our last couple of arguments by knocking him out with my gun, he's not much in the mood to take orders from me."

"Can't say that I blame him," Sara said, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Your conflict resolution skills could use some work."

"I got frustrated," he admitted, taking his turn. "I'm not used to Mick ignoring me when I tell him to do something."

"I can talk to him," Sara offered.

"We're busy," Leonard pointed out.

"Gin," Sara said, laying out her cards.

"After me, you're his least favorite person on this ship, right now," Leonard pointed out.

"More than Ray?" Sara teasingly asked.

"Yes, more than Ray," Leonard agreed. "He wanted to leave you with Wilson."

"If he's just jealous, like you said, then maybe I can convince him that I don't mind sharing if he doesn't," Sara said.

"And if he does?" Leonard asked.

Sara rose to her feet, smiling sweetly. "Then I'll just have to convince him."

Leonard watched as Sara climbed the stairs, hoping that this didn't go as badly as he feared.

~~*~~

"Gideon, where is Mick?" Sara asked as she reached the top of the stairs.

"He is in his room," Gideon answered.

"Thanks," Sara said and headed in that direction.

"Go 'way," Mick hollered in response to her knock.

"It's Sara," she called out.

"Then go back to your new master," Mick called back.

"We need to talk," Sara insisted.

The door opened and Mick filled the doorway. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Then you can listen to me," Sara said, ducking around him into the room.

"Get out," Mick growled, trying to use his size to intimidate her into leaving.

"Not until we talk this out," Sara said.

"Nothing to talk about. He was my master and now he's yours. There, we talked. Get out," Mick said.

"Yes, he's my Master," Sara said, backing him up until he bumped into his workout bench and sat down. "Since when does that mean that he can't still do scenes with you? Doms and subs aren't exclusive. If you need him, which you obviously do, then stop being an idiot and go ask for what you need."

"You don't know the first thing about what I need," Mick snarled.

Sara could see the conflict in his eyes. He was angry with her, but she could tell that he also wanted to submit to the dominance she was projecting at this moment.

"I know that it's tearing you up inside to go against your former master the past few days. I know that even now, as much as you profess to hate me because of my new relationship with Leonard, you want to submit to me for taking control of this situation. I know that you want it to just go back to the way things were before when it was just the two of you and following his orders was as easy as breathing," Sara said.

As she spoke, Mick's face slowly relaxed. "Yeah," he agreed with a sigh.

"I don't know what your scenes were like, but I know that you need one. Desperately. We're all going to be on this ship together for a long time and we need to find a way to all get what we need without tearing the ship apart. Or ourselves," Sara continued.

"I told him I didn't need him," Mick reluctantly admitted.

"Didn't he also tell you that if you ever did need him, all you had to do was ask?" Sara reminded him.

"How'd you know that?" Mick asked suspiciously.

"I think I'm getting to know Leonard pretty well. He doesn't seem like the type to abandon someone just because the nature of your relationship changed," Sara said.

"I don't think I like how well you're getting at reading him. Or me," Mick grumbled.

"If you give it a chance, I think you'll like getting to know me better," Sara teased.

Smirking, Mick asked, "How much better?"

"I suppose that depends on you," Sara said, turning to leave. At the door, she looked back at Mick. "Just go talk to him. He wants to do scenes with you still; he's just waiting for you to ask."

"I'll think about it," Mick finally agreed.

~~*~~

"Go ahead and say it," Mick said to the empty room as he lay back on his workout bench to stare at the ceiling. "I know you were eavesdropping."

"I believe that Ms. Lance is correct," Gideon responded.

"'Course you do," Mick huffed.

"From what I have observed, Ms. Lance is much calmer and happier since she and Mr. Snart had their, as they called it, scene," Gideon said. "If Mr. Snart could do the same for you, I do not understand why you do not take advantage of the opportunity. You do not seem to be calm or happy."

"You can say that again," Mick muttered. "It's not that easy. Too much has happened lately. He doesn't listen to me."

"Perhaps you're not trying hard enough," Gideon suggested. "Tell him how you feel."

"We don't do feelings, let alone admit to having them," Mick said. "Can't tell him how much it hurts that he doesn't take what I want seriously just because it may not be what he wants anymore. We were supposed to be in this for the take, not go falling for white hats and wanting to save the world."

"I believe that we have found the root of your problem," Gideon commented.

"He's not gonna like what I have to say," Mick said.

"Then perhaps he needs to hear it even more if you're to survive this mission together," Gideon said.

"Or maybe it's time to call it quits and end this farce of a partnership," Mick said. "No reason to stay where I'm not wanted."

"No one has said that they don't want you here," Gideon said.

"Don't you go coddlin' me," Mick said. "No one would give a rat's ass if I wasn't here, 'cept maybe Snart."

"Ms. Lance seems to enjoy your company as well," Gideon pointed out.

"Not as much as my partner," Mick grumbled.

"The captain has finally emerged from his study. Please report to the bridge," Gideon said, abruptly changing topics.

"We finally goin' somewhere?" Mick asked as he got up.

"Most likely, yes," Gideon answered.

"Thank goodness. Need some action after all of this talking," Mick said.

Chapter 5