onyxonline

[nextstopparis]

do u ever think about “…for the kingdom you helped me build” “you could’ve done it without me” “maybe” ? do you ever think about that. do u ever think about how merlin literally could have just been a manservant with no powers at all and that convo wouldve still happened. hello. do you.

[kiarcheo]

Hug-a, hug-a, hug-a, hug me    

If you had told Catalina that she would come back centuries in the future and live with Henry’s five other wives and that she’d be closest with the fifth one…she would have…well, she  would have had you declared insane after the first part, to be honest. And even in the earliest days in the new world, she would have never believed you regarding who would be her favourite companion.

Also posted on Ao3

Catalina knew how she was seen. The first queen. The legitimate one. Regal. Composed. Always in control, keeping a cool head.  Steadfast. Proud. The paragon of royalty.

She is also human. And a Spaniard. And while she usually isn’t one to give into stereotypes (heavens knows she hates being boxed in any way when she is so much more complex than any oversimplified and general belief can convey), there was something she had noticed in her first life too. Arthur had been polite and courteous, but certainly not affectionate.  But considering that they were fifteen-year-old, unable to communicate properly because of language barriers and after few months they both got sick and then he died…circumstances and timings didn’t help. Once she married Henry, she thought it would be different. But since the beginning, while he was eager to be intimate with her, outside of the bedchambers he would shy away. If she tried to sit next to him or take his hand for no specific reason, he would look at her weirdly (and downright annoyed, later on). Even her English ladies-in-waiting, while no strangers to sharing a bed, would look oddly at her interactions with her darling Maria, or even with little Mary, attributing them to her ‘Mediterranean temperament’.

But now she is back, along with the other five wives of her (second) husband. And while it seems that affections are more widespread and accepted in this modern world, even in public, things didn’t change for her.

Don’t get her wrong. After a difficult period of adjustment, the queens had settled down nicely. Catalina has no doubt that they all care for each other, but people have different ways of showing they care. So yes. Does she think the queens love her? Yes (and she loves them back).  But is she going to knock on their doors and beg for some affection? Absolutely not. She went through one lifetime without humiliating herself like that, she will go through this one too.

That’s how she finds herself in front of the tv, the credits rolling after a documentary about the Alhambra, sobbing not so quietly into the empty house. Or what she thought was empty.

Because Kat is in the doorway, frozen, looking like a deer in the headlight. Catalina can almost see her mentally calculating whether she can just silently turn around and slip away, before realising that she had been noticed. Kat takes a step forward into the room. ‘Would you like a hug?’

Catalina honestly can’t remember the last time she hugged someone. And she had said she was not going to beg, but if it was offered…she gives a shaking nod.

Kat sits down on the couch next to her and after a moment of hesitation draws her into her arms. Catalina doesn’t know how long they stay like that. She just knows it’s so…nice doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s almost a transcending experience.

‘You give really good hugs.’

‘Thanks?’ Kat sounds unsure at how to reply to that. ‘Why do you sound surprised? Did you expect me to be bad?’

She settles for a teasing tone and Catalina can see Anne’s influence, using humour to deflect and lighten up situations. To be honest she thought it was going to be a quick, perfunctory hug. Out of pity. She didn’t expect Kat to commit to it, to fully embrace her. Kat is warm and relaxed, and in her arms she feels surprisingly safe.

‘I expected a pat on the back.’ She admits. ‘I know you’re not really comfortable with me.’

‘Why do you say that?’

She reluctantly moves away. It feels stupid to answer that it’s because Kat had basically avoided any physical contact with her while lying in her arms.

‘You and Anne often sleep in the same bed and she shares her blanket with you during movies.’ Catalina expands on her reply as she sees Kat looking genuinely confused. ‘You let Jane play hairdresser with your hair. Anna puts her arm on your shoulders when we’re out…I mean, I get it. Anne and Jane are your cousins. You knew Anna from before and she is your best friend. Cathy holds your hand…’

‘Is it a problem?’ Kat asks as Catalina trails off. She had never said anything to them before, but it wouldn’t be the first time that walking hand in hand with Cathy had sparkled some less than pleasant reaction.

Catalina is just having a realisation. Cathy always offers her hand and wait for Kat to take it. It’s always Anne who spreads the blanket over their laps and cuddles up. It’s Jane who asks if she can try something new with her hair (she had recently branched out to Anne, if she can catch her on a good day when she feels like sitting still – that’s how the space buns came to be. Catalina has a feeling that soon Jane will expand her experiments to the three not-related queens too).

‘I thought you just didn’t want to hug me.’ Not that she has ever seen her hugging the others, now that she thinks about it. Not spontaneously. Or unprompted.

If Kat thinks Catalina sounds a bit childish, she doesn’t let it show, to her relief. ‘I didn’t know you wanted me to.’ They have all heard Anne loudly demanding cuddles and Kat happily providing them.

‘But you never take the first step.’ Catalina continues, voicing her realisation. ‘You never initiate the contact, you don’t touch them first.’ And the rare times she does, it’s always after expressly asking. Catalina had never really noticed it before.

‘I just don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.’

Okay, so it’s actually on purpose. Wait a second- ‘Do we make you uncomfortable?’ She is ready to have a chat with her fellow queens.

‘No, of course not.’ Kat hurries to reassure her, sounding almost surprised that she could suggest such a thing.

‘Then why would you make us uncomfortable?’

Kat shrugs. ‘I don’t know. That’s kind of the point. What if you don’t want to be touched? In that moment at least?’

Oh. That went deeper that she thought. Quite usual with the girl, so she shouldn’t really be surprised anymore.  But selfishly she is too exhausted to tackle the issue in that moment. ‘Well, hugs are always welcome with me. I pretty much always want one to be honest.’

There is no overnight change. It’s not like Kat starts to come up to her and hug her spontaneously. But more and more often she approaches her. Asking if she wants company. Making a point of saying that she will be in her room but that her door is open. When it evolves in wordless exchanges, Kat pointing to the spot next to Catalina or patting the one next to herself in invitation and waiting for Catalina’s move, the older queen is relieved that she doesn’t have to vocalise what sometimes still feels like a weakness. And she starts to feel comfortable looking out for affection from Kat in the first place, even going as far as knocking on her closed door if it’s a particularly bad day. Which leads to talking about said bad days.

If you had told Catalina that she would come back centuries in the future and live with Henry’s five other wives and that she’d be closest with the fifth one…she would have…well, she would have had you declared insane after the first part, to be honest. And even in the earliest days in the new world, she would have never believed you regarding who would be her favourite companion. She would have first guessed Cathy, maybe growing closer through their personal connections and discussing their shared passion for supporting female education in the past (and its progress in the present). Or Anna, bonding over being shipped to another country without speaking the language to marry a random dude – well, a king – and then being humiliated on a national and international stage. Even Jane. She had liked her in their first life and it had been somehow satisfying to learn that she had stolen Henry from Anne like Anne did to her. And she didn’t blame her for having a son: you can’t choose those things, she and Anne would know. Certainly she wouldn’t have picked that slip of a girl, who also happened to be her…well, Anne Boleyn’s cousin – Anne, who was the only other one even more unlikely to be her closest friend.

And yet…here she was.

Catalina de Trastámara y Trastámara, finding respite in the company of Katherine Howard, who never refuses a cuddle and never judges. She had quickly stopped being surprised at how intelligent and mature the girl is. In not even 20 years Kat had gone through more stuff than most people would in their whole lifetime…and that was before she was brought back to life centuries after her traumatic death. So while sometimes Catalina feels almost maternal towards her (how shocked and disgusted she had been to discover that Henry had married someone younger than his own daughter, her dear Mary), it’s rather a relationship between equals…even if sometimes she is a bit protective. Perhaps that’s how older sisters feel? She has no idea as she had been the youngest. Is Kat her best friend? Can someone be your best friend if she already has another best friend? She never pondered on such matters in the past.    

A past that Kat knows the most about. Anne and Jane might have known her personally and been witnesses to certain events, but Kat has insight into her feelings and thoughts.

All queens have bad days connected to their past. In some cases everyone is aware of the dates and the reasons, the days of their deaths being the most obvious ones. Others are kept private. Like the day Catalina saw Mary for the last time. How is she supposed to share her pain with the others, when she is the only one who got to see her child growing up? And that’s not delving into what Mary did after she died, which is a whole other matter.

November hit Catalina particularly hard. The memories of her wedding day to Arthur by a long shot welcomed compared to the anniversaries of the deaths of her last three children.  She hadn’t slept a lot, and even when she did, she had been plagued by nightmares, either of her babies dying, their life on earth lasting mere hours, or of Mary committing atrocities in the name of the religion she had devoted her life to.

She feels like death warmed up and she must look like it, if the reactions she gets entering the kitchen that morning are any indication.

Anne stops talking which leads to Anna turning around to find out why. Jane follows and frowns at what she sees.

‘Are you okay?’ Jane’s question has Cathy looking up too.

By the time Kat finishes pouring her coffee (she’d be hard pressed to say who consumes more, her or Cathy) and turns around, everyone is staring at Catalina with worried expressions. Kat puts down her mug and opens her arms. Not overtly obvious. She can easily pass it as a gesture meant to say ‘what’s going on?’ but even if her arms aren’t raised, the look she gives Catalina conveys a clear message: ‘Do you need a hug?’

Catalina doesn’t hesitate. She rarely does when Kat offers a hug, but in that moment she doesn’t even care that there are other people around. She takes few quick steps and she is in her arms. Kat pivots them around so that Catalina wouldn’t meet the others’ stares if she happened to look up. It’s not necessary because Catalina curled into herself enough that she has her face tucked in Kat’s neck despite being taller…and she has no intention to leave her spot. She feels Kat’s hand into her hair. She remembers Kat asking if that was something she would enjoy and the teasing that ensued because she enjoyed it indeed. Kat had likened the contented noises that she had let out to purrs and joked that she should have been the one with the Cat nickname. Catalina had liked it so much that she had offered a trade-off to Kat, wanting to share the delight. She had learned that while Kat doesn’t mind Jane styling them, she generally doesn’t like people touching them, especially in intimate settings (and as they were half reclined on the couch when Kat admitted such a thing, Catalina tucked into her side…she could see how it could be seen as intimate).

Catalina doesn’t know when she had started crying, she just realises that she is. Just like she isn’t sure how long she has been in Kat’s arms, swaying lightly on the spot. She just knows that she is there. Buried into Kat, who has one hand scratching her head while her other arm is around her waist, holding her securely against her body.

‘Want to move to the couch?’

She doesn’t answer but Kat must have felt the movement of her head because she leads them there.

When Catalina comes around, she can feel Kat under her and a blanket covering them. They must have fallen asleep.

She opens one eye. Anne is sitting on the armchair. She raises her eyebrow once she notices Catalina is awake and looking at her. In the early days of their return she would have read it as an accusatory gesture but by now she knows that it’s mostly curiosity. She can see how the first queen sleeping on the youngest one would make a curious sight. And Anne is not only close to her cousin but also very perceptive, so even if Kat had not told her, she must have realised how shy the girl is with physical touch. And all the times Catalina had seen them sleeping together Kat was always the big spoon, so she reckons Anne is probably aware that Kat doesn’t like to feel trapped. So for her to sleep peacefully despite having Catalina half-lying on her…

She ignores Anne’s questioning gaze and looks around, making sure not to move her head too much lest she wakes Kat up. Anna is sitting at the table, holding her camera up to show the screen to Cathy, who is standing behind her chair.

The German queen had discovered a passion for photography, but since she doesn’t make a habit to bring her trusty camera to breakfast, Catalina assumes that she went to retrieve it to take a picture of them. The fond expression on Cathy’s face, the one that she usually has when she looks at Kat, lends credibility to her theory. She makes a mental note to ask for a copy of the picture.

She can hear puttering around in the kitchen. Maybe it’s near lunch time or maybe Jane just wanted to be nearby. She knows that they are likely worried…and curious. And she supposes that she can give an explanation. Not necessarily about her and Kat, that’s not just up to her. But about her breaking down. Anne, at the very least, has surely her fair share of sad anniversaries.

But if she moves she is going to wake Kat and heaven knows if the girl needs all the sleep that she can get when she can get, with the amount of nightmares keeping her up at night, whether her own or Anne’s (and Cathy’s too. More than once Catalina had been ready to go and check on her goddaughter after hearing unmistakable noises from her room only to see that Kat was already on the task). And she is so comfy and warm. She closes her eyes. Just…for…five…more…minutes…

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A/N: I love reading about the queens taking care of Kat because she deserves all the love, but sometime I want to see the opposite, with Kat taking care of the queens. And lately I have been on a Katherine-Catherine kick (besides the always present Parrward one) so...here it is. Hope you liked it.