#does this make it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound overly mysterious and complicated

[angeltism]

✍️ for whatever fandom would treat you yhe weirdest

OHH . This took some THINKING but def the bn.ha fandom . but maybe that's just bc my s/i existing there would fuck shit up sooo much like . she's kinda a Mary Sue,, (which I mean is great and amazing and she's wonderful and I'm wonderful) but maybe they'd be chill ????

Wait fuck fuck nevermind wait hold on I'm in the middle of writing this and I realized nawt only would she be treated weirdly for her flawlessness (maybe? I haven't reviewed her writing and backstory in years idk if she's actually Flawlessly Flawed But It's Kyute Tho™) but I have a feeling she'd be over t-rexualized (CRYING I'm talking like a YouTuber crying to nawt get demonitized it's almost 12am cut me some slack let me be silly and weird w how I sat things) or her relationship w my husband would be or both . and nobody would get her nuance right because she's a girl and we all know ppl love watering down fem characters into either mother, girlboss, whore or [literally irrelevant forgotten about] oh god . yeah ok idk how I didn't think of this but OHHH yeah she'd be treated so weirdly oml 🫥

[labyrinthoftartarus]

I am an object, everyone knows me but, then again, they don't(rant/blog :3)

intro

Ever since I fell into this rabbit-hole of undiscovered, strange songs after listening to "Everyone knows that", ive been thinking; why do i feel so intensely connected to this song?

Incase you dont know, "Everyone knows that" is a snippet of a strange song found on the internet with mysterious origins.

It sounds like any other vintage, vaporwave-esque song with catchy lyrics and beats, but what makes it special is that no one knows about it. no one knows about its origin.

The best part of the song is IT FEELS FAMILIAR. I feel like I have a distant connection with this, but I don't get it at the same time. It feels as if I'm searching for a memory which is lost forever.

I've heard this somewhere, but I don't know where. I don't know if there exists a memory of me listening to this song, or if it's just unreal. it doesn't feel unreal.

This song shall remain forever forgotten whilst still remaining in our hearts.

what is my point exactly?

Well, my point is, I just feel like this is me.

Recently, I felt very...isolated. with time, I've been getting a lot of followers and a lot of friends. yet, it still feels like pure isolation; I feel distant from everyone and the abundance of people, noises, comments, and interactions makes me feel like I'm lacking something huge in the midst of it.

All I feel is ALONE.

I am in a crowded city lights and people surrounding me but it doesn't matter for amidst all the noise only silence from within prevails.

It feels as if I am on a stage, being constantly interacted with and judged on. But, for some reason, I cannot break the fourth wall.

The fourth wall

The fourth wall is a veil

Within this obscure wall from which I am separated from the world, I feel a huge sense of...anger?

I feel disgusted. People talk to me in hopes of flimsy casual talk or in hopes of playing with my feelings. I feel objectified, at the very least.

Within this stage I have created for myself- I feel pure disgust. I feel lethargic upon seeing people waste their time trying to have the most mundane slither of a conversation with me. IT'S PATHETIC. IT IS DISGUSTING AND I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT.

However, I feel drained. I feel drained from replying to the same mundane, depressing texts of "wyd" and "hey" over and over again for the billionth time. I'm done saying "I have a boyfriend" for the trillionth time. I feel bad replying to the dishonest compliments, the boring conversations, the massive pages of the same repetitive content and consuming it in everlasting lethargic spirits.

I am only an object in their eyes

quitting instagram(?)

Oftentimes, I feel like I should quit Instagram. The platform that has once given me a sort of outlet now feels like a burden.

It is now merely a honeycomb luring in creeps, pedophiles, and assholes. And with each day, it fills me in with more and more dread. I feel sick, honestly.

Well, thats it I guess. I will write more frequently nowadays, but overall, I am a bit better. Life just feels overly calm to the point it's just empty and boring, but I'll take it. Its better than the constant fear and dread that comes along with each passing day, anyway.

[ardalionandnatalia]

Past Truths, Present Pains- Katya and Natalia Argue, I

In a sequestered spot near one of the wells, is a scrubby yet thriving garden of various herbs, shrubs and heather-like flowers. Katya and Natalia, having recovered from their previous ordeal with Ardalion, are weeding the herb section, though Natalia strays from their chore to examine a patch of blooming heather blossoms.

Katya notices Natalia is fixated on the heather blossoms, as Natalia carefully trims and props the stems and leaves for better growth.

Katya: You seem to really like those blossoms.

Natalia: *absent-minded for a moment, doesn't appears to hear Katya*

Natalia: What? *confused, rousing from her thoughts*

Katya: You seem to be staring at those blossoms quite a bit. Are they your favorite type of flower?

Natalia: *leans closer and picks a dead leaf from one stem tucked in* Yes...these particular flowers evokes some memories... memories of the little garden my mother and I had on our rooftop. Yes, it seems so strange to see these here.

Katya: *stops for a while* Your mother...? I've never really heard you mention her before. Were you close with her?

Natalia *pauses, sits up straight and looks aside, as though recollecting thought. She grips her hands on the skirt of her knees, as though tinged by the memory of her mother. A dim look of guilt lines her features.* I... I regret we were not. We might have been, but everything seems too clear now, so clear that it confuses me now.

Natalia: I think she did love me, and I wanted to be a good daughter, but I was very selfish to accept her regret and reconcile with her.

Katya: *confused* What do you mean...? How was she like as a person? Did something prevent her from loving you?

Natalia: Seeing these blossoms reminded me how, despite our rift in her last days, she still tended the little patch of heather we planted when I was a little child. I still remember the day we planted the tender sprouts...

Natalia: I blame my mother for my condition in my past, but in reality, it was my fault, actually.

Natalia: She was relentless about beauty and social standing, and she was ruthless I could become like her, maybe better.

Katya: *notices that Natalia looks tired as she talks about her mother* Was she a very forceful person? Just how did she become so ruthless?

Natalia: She constantly scathed me about me looks, my body- everything.

Natalia: She told me a woman's beauty is her only real worth in life- nobody wants a plain woman. She told me success for a woman laid in her beauty and deportment.

Natalia: Her force wasn't fiery. She was cold, sharp. It made her seem too powerful and frightening.

Katya is quiet for a while, noticing how thinking back about this, Natalia has become more depressed,

Katya: *quietly* I see. Did you ever find out why your mother believed all of these things? Was it because she relied so much on her own body to survive...? *she wonders what this means--she has a feeling but is too scared to say it, lest it offend Natalia*

Natalia: She seemed at times, like some distant goddess I had to appease. She was cold so often. And hard too. Sometimes, her face seemed like a cold, hard, pale mask. She never raised her voice, but she had this quietness that could unnerve anyone. When she ordered something, it was like a decree.

Natalia: I-I- never did find out what shaped her like this. Maybe I was too sheltered to see the world as she did.

Natalia: She never told me about herself.

Natalia: She always kept quiet, like a silent observer.

Natalia: I only desire now she had confided in me. I was her only child, after all. She could have trusted me. *tears prick the corners of her eyes*

Katya: Did your father ever suggested why she acted this way? What did your father think of her behaviour towards you?

Katya notices the tears in Natalia's eyes and wonders whether to comfort her, or whether she should keep quiet since comforting her may mean she is taking pity on her, and she knows Natalia does not want to be pitied.

Natalia: *tucks a sharp breath to hide a sniffle and shakes her head* He never told me anything about her, except she was a tired soul and that I should not expect her to match my energy. As I emerged from childhood, my mother became relentless in molding me into her ideal of beauty. I was a homely child, beset with a fat figure. It's possible she was right and I would have looked like a pig. But my father resented her rigors she set upon me. They argued. They grew distant. Then... when the accident happened at the kiln, it seemed she wanted to repair their rift, but he grew angrier and sullen towards her.

Natalia: It might be my fault- why he died. They were arguing about me when he fell. I always blamed her for his death. But maybe it was my fault. Or no one's.

Katya: *is silent as she listens, afraid to say too much and just lets her vent*

Katya: *takes a deep breath* If you did see her again, what would you say to her...?

Katya: Would you just ignore her? Or try to reconcile with her? Or something else?

Natalia: When she died, I arrived in time for her wake. Her face did not seem a cold mask, anymore, just a tired face weighed down with grief. The servants told me she died crying for me to come back. In her room, I noticed she had all my childhood possessions- my christening blanket, my little veil when I took First Communion...

Natalia: If I saw her again?

Natalia: I don't know... how would we reconcile? What can be said?

Natalia: What could we do? Could we ever live together peacefully?

Natalia: Yes. I would like to reconcile with her.

Natalia: *tears prick and trail down, she begins crying more openly, hunching over slightly with her elbows pressed against her bosom- she trembles slightly*

Katya: Natalia...I'm sorry to hear about all of this. Would you like me to leave you alone for now? I'm sorry I caused you to recall all of this.

Natalia: *looks up, eyes still closed- shakes her head* No. It's not your fault. The only one who caused this was myself. Please, stay. I am grateful you listened to me. I wish we had met in the past, perhaps I could have learned to be more listening and understanding had we met.

Natalia: You must think I put too much on you. Maybe I am. Still, you've taught me a good deal on the value of being still and not allowing anger to govern my ways solely.

Katya is still for a while and wonders what Natalia will say next.

Katya: Your mother probably had a lot of secrets of her own. In a way, her tragedy became your tragedy, because her tragedy influenced her to act in a certain way that caused you to react in a certain way against her and caused all these negative feelings about yourself...

Natalia: *raises and brushes off the specks of soil from her knees* You are right, Katya. She seemed weighed down by some sort of fear and grief, like she had fear of something being discovered- she never revealed anything about herself, not even when and where she was born. I never knew anything except how she met my father.

Katya: how did she meet your father...?

Natalia: I hope... if we do meet, she will confide in me

Natalia: Ah! They met during Carnival

Natalia: She was lost at a Fete, and my father encountered her- he was steering a gondola because his gondolier broke his arm in a fight over a woman.

Natalia: My mother claimed to be a noble woman fallen on hard times, so this is why she married my father, a merchant. Most merchants are richer than nobles, so it is in our city- or what was our city.

Natalia: But she never spoke of anything else. When I asked, she would say it mattered not.

Katya: I see. *not sure what to say--the idea that a man would break his arm over a woman sounds ridiculous to her, as well as the idea that merchants are richer than nobles*

Katya: Was your mother really a noble woman? Since you said she claimed to be one. But was she one in reality?

Katya: and on your father's side, why did he choose to marry her if he was richer than she was?

Natalia: It caused her, in her own, delicate way, to snarl like a wounded animal being touched, whenever I asked her. I wanted to know if she had family, as I wanted grandparents.

Katya: Was it because he wanted her so-called nobility title?

Natalia: There was no to disprove her claim. He said he married her because he appreciated her mind and stability. She differed from most women in the city. She was hardly a spendthrift, and enjoyed weighty subjects. My father never discussed her title, only that she was one a lady as much in her soul than anything else. I do suspect maybe she was not a noble...once a noble, though, marries a non-noble in Venice, they became the same status as their spouse, so she became a merchant's wife.

Katya: *sighs* Do you think your father is not telling you the truth?

Katya: That he is making things seem better than they actually are because he was the type to spoil you, as you said?

Katya: In my view, saying all these superfluous things about how he viewed her doesn't really help to solve the mystery. It just deepens the mystery.

Katya: I'm not so naive to believe that people back in your day (or even in my time) married because they thought the other person was unique. There has to be something more to it.

Katya: especially since you came from a very unforgiving time, people woudn't marry for love--! *her voice gets a bit sharp, frustrated that Natalia's father seems to be painting his view of Natalia's mother with a overly romanticized brush*

Katya is a bit embarrassed by her own frustration, but she cannot help it. She feels that Natalia is hiding something and that she was brought up in a household that denied reality, which made everything worse for them.

Natalia: *a scowl pulls on her face, as though piqued by Katya's truth* My father always acted on his own terms. He was the master of his own house, his own guild, and his own decisions. Besides, what does it matter what is the truth? In Venice, nothing is real! Everything is assumed, everything is a pageant, like an opera.... *her voice grows a bit hard and bitter over the reality she was left in the dark about the truth of her family*

Katya: Decisions? Or do you mean delusions?

Katya growls back at Natalia, incensed at Natalia's frustration.

Natalia: What does that mean? *snarls slightly* Are you insulting my father?

Katya: Anyways, I don't care. *tone changes to calm again* I'll take leave for now, Natalia.

Katya sighs, a bit angry at the whole exchange that had just transpired. What made her snap like that?

Natalia: That is just like you, Katya- always running away when you confront.

Was it the fact that Natalia's discussion of her father reminded her of how Ardalion had snickered at overly idealistic men?

Natalia: Tell me what you truly think!

As well as her own beliefs that overly idealistic men were a cause for a lot of trouble, as they failed to embrace reality?

Even her own father wasn't that ridiculous!

Natalia: Yes, you think we were deluded, do you not? That my father lived in a fairy tale! And that my mother and I were part of it? Maybe we were!

Natalia: But what of it? We had our happiness now and then.

Katya: It doesn't matter what I think. As you said, it's Venice! Nothing is real.

Katya: Good for you!

Katya: I guess we just live in separate worlds then. I suppose we shouldn't have brought up this issue.

Natalia: Sometimes living in a lie is all you can do.

Katya: And that could cause even more harm, could it not?

Katya: Look at how many complexes you have!

Natalia: People can decide to love...

Natalia: that's my own fault.

Katya: Even if being truthful was more painful, perhaps it could have saved all of the complexes that all three of you developed!

Natalia: It wasn't my mother or my father's fault. It was my fault.

Katya: Love someone who doesn't tell you their past?

Katya: Love someone who potentially lied about her station in life?

Katya: I know what you were suggesting. That your mother wasn't actually a noble but she lied about it, and THAT's why your father wanted to marry her!

Katya: And I guess the lies eventually drove your mother into the emotional mess she became, with her coldness and constant criticism.

Natalia: *eyes widen in anger* I never suggested that!

Natalia: You never knew my parents!

Katya: Is that it, Natalia? Isn't this what you wanted? For me to fucking speak my mind!?

Katya: *heaving* There you have it!

Natalia: You- you!!!

Natalia: *speechless for a moment with anger*

Katya: As problematic as my parents could've been, they didn't lie like yours did!

Katya: And I don't put my parents on a pedestal and claim that they LOVED each other so much like a damned fairy tale!

Katya: They just respected each other!

Natalia: My parents had a good friendship! Mine respected each other! What is this! Pedestal! Hah!

Katya: None of this gushy nonsense, and particularly not since there was lying! How can there be gushy love if the foundation of that relationship was based on lies and materialism?

Katya: Your father said that he considered her a lady inside and out! What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Natalia: You have no idea about my family!

Katya: Sounds like a condescending insult if I ever heard one! Like she isn't even an individual.

Natalia: You wouldn't understand!

Katya: Even Ardalion wasn't that bad!

Katya: He didn't lie, at least!

Natalia: You!

Natalia: My father never lied about what he thought of my mother and I!

Natalia: He loved us, damn you!

Katya: I think your father loved you, but I'm not sure he loved your mother the way you think he did!

Katya: Your mother seems very unloveable, to be honest!

Natalia: How do you know!

Katya: If he loved you, he wouldn't have loved your mother!

Katya: By the way, I'm not saying he was a bad man for marrying her for the title!

Katya: That's perfectly normal!

Natalia: It wasn't her fault- how

Natalia: How can you say all this?!

Katya: I guess it was just stupid, since she became a merchant's wife, rather than him being a noble woman's husband!

Natalia: Shut up!

Katya's face is red now--she has no clue how she got so angry. But perhaps it had to do with the way Natalia is snapping back at her and how she loathes the idea of living in a family built on lies.

Natalia:You have no idea about my parents! Maybe you're that way! Scheming to get something!

Katya: What's wrong about scheming?!

Natalia: But maybe I am the problem!

Katya: I'm not doing that, but why judge someone who does want to climb the ladder?

Natalia: Maybe it was not their fault, but mine.

Katya: My main problem is with the idea of denying reality and saying something is SO great and SO fairy-tale like when it clearly is the opposite!

Katya: There you go again. Why do you always blame yourself?

Katya: I thought you hated your mother.

Katya: Why don't you blame her?

Natalia: You make it sound like my mother was some scheming charlatan and my father was some desperate old goat!

Natalia: Yes, that is what you make it sound like!

Katya: And so what if that was the truth?

Natalia: Yes, I want to blame her!

Katya: Does it really change anything?

Katya: All of this has already happened! Moral judgments never make any sense in reality

Natalia: But if I governed myself better, I could have prevented so much!