#dom dianxia agenda

[ghooostbaby]

The whole first kiss of hualian’s is like an absurd fantasy-setting comedy of manners, where xie lian realizes that this random person who splashed down out of nowhere to where he was hiding underwater from a resentful fetus spirit and started kissing him is actually that new acquaintance he really admires and has been really hoping they’ll keep spending time together, so wouldn’t it be rude to stab them? would he want to have lunch again?

Once you start to pay attention to Xie Lian’s inner dialogue in book 3 you see how absolutely preoccupied he is with rules... figuring out the unspoken rules that everyone else seems to know and he doesn’t, and then stressing out about how to follow them, and then feeling embarrassed and berating himself for not following them because they go against his conscience or instincts.

The huge distance between the inner narration of this weary, cautious scrap god of Book 3 and Book 2′s naively self-assured crown prince communicates so much without saying anything. His actions and choices on either side of the 800 years aren’t really any different, he always had bold, different ideas, and followed them despite how much the people around him tried to persuade him to proceed by the expected protocol. But after 800 years, even though he still can’t help doing what feels right to him, he’s always second guessing himself and agonizing internally if this or that was impolite or against some social norm.

I remember that in Xie Lian’s early years as a god, the book described how unlike the other gods Xie Lian was acting - he almost never hung around heavens, or participated in the bureaucratic activities, and spent most of his time patrolling the mortal world, but Xie Lian just ignored those expectations, and was confident his approach was the right one despite the protocol. When he returns to the heavens 800 years later, it’s like all of that iconoclasm (so funny to use this word for god) or freethinking was because he was just doing what felt normal to him. It’s so clear how hard he is trying to be polite, following the social norms, but he just doesn’t do it very well. He tries so hard to participate in the communication array like everyone else only to be told he’s kind of acting embarrassing and can he please stop. He seems hyper-aware that any thing he might do that feels normal could come off as anti-social and is obsessively analyzing everything he says or does for whether it transgresses any rules of politeness. He still does mostly the same things as he would have done, but he’s generally very hard on himself for it, constantly watching himself from the outside and fretfully examining all his behaviour, and trying to correct himself and force himself to consciously follow the social standards. (relateable!!!! neurodivergence!!!! masking!!! ahhhh!!!!)

The fall of Xian Le for Xie Lian was this conflict between having to obey the rules of the universe and doing what he thought was right. Over the years, I think his willingness to sacrifice his body is how he managed to abide by the rules of the universe, heaven, etc while doing the work of helping others. (”Give another cup”, if there’s not another cup to give, give your own.) It’s more uncomfortable, actually, for him to rely on others than to sacrifice himself. Because even though he’s trying to fit in with others, he really doesn’t trust them. Maybe, specifically because he had to go against what feels right and natural to be accepted, he doesn’t trust them.

There is a tension that comes up often between Hua Cheng wanting to protect Xie Lian and help him to do what he wants and cares about, and Xie Lian choosing to get hurt to be able to do what he wants and cares about. Why Hua Cheng showed up and started kissing Xie Lian is not really explained as far as I can tell, but he seems miserable about it when they get to the shore, and it really doesn't fit with his MO to just suddenly go grab Xie Lian and kiss him, especially not the first time! It seems like it had to be for some non-romantic reason. Was this the best thing he could think of to keep Xie Lian’s mouth occupied so he couldn’t swallow any ghosts or swords? (He only passes Xie Lian air after they've been kissing for a while, after Xie Lian realizes who it is and is so shocked he opens his mouth and loses his air, so I don't think that's the reason Hua Cheng initiated it.)

Hua Cheng is insistent on not allowing Xie Lian to be hurt, but Xie Lian constantly comes across this problem where the only way to help others is strategically using his tolerance to pain, and, well, death. Xie Lian is willing to endure pain and hunger to help anyone, or even just prevent them from feeling discomfort or feeling slighted, but he’s not willing to rely on anyone. He doesn’t really trust anyone to be able to handle his vulnerability. No one else has been able to handle his vulnerability.

When they’re on the beach after the kissing is over and the fetus spirit has been dealt with, the more Hua Cheng tries to be aplogetic or helpful, the more Xie Lian gets distressed and tries to hide that he’s uncomfortable at all, or even bleeding from a needle lodged in his foot. The discomfort of the kiss and after has meaning for Xie Lian’s narrative/character development. When Hua Cheng carries Xie Lian to paradise mansion and kneels before him to pull the needle out of his foot, seeing him go down to the floor like that makes Xie Lian feels uncomfortable. Even when Hua Cheng offers to prepare a feast for him, he seems to awkwardly wave that away to go for a walk to buy some food together. It seems like he’s afraid of asking too much of Hua Cheng, or getting supported by him. In his internal narration, Xie Lian keeps worrying to himself about being perceived impolite, not adhering to social rules, as if what Hua Cheng is offering is a secret trap, and he’ll embarrass himself or end up pushing Hua Cheng away.

After removing the needle from his foot and finding a place to eat, Xie Lian doesn’t get any relief from being further embarrassed at all, and even gets teased by Hua Cheng about impotency! Xie Lian tries to run away again, but he ends up allowing Hua Cheng following behind to catch up, and let’s himself express some of his embarrassment, whining “San Laaang”, which Hua Cheng responds to teasingly. I think this is a very underrated sweet, trust-building moment. Up until now Xie Lian has been constantly worried of doing things wrong and seeming impolite and trying to cover up all his blunders but after this, as he narrates the interactions with Hua Cheng, his internal self-examinations seem to tend more and more to a slightly less panicked thought process of “oh no, I shouldn’t have done that, but since it’s San Lang, it’s probably fine.” Hua Cheng not flinching at playfully embarrassing him (I mean he didn’t BRING UP the impotency but he teased Xie Lian for it), he shows Xie Lian it’s not a big deal and that he’s accepted with him regardless. (Unlike, say, Feng Xin and Mu Qing, who fly off the handle at every small thing he does that diverges from norms of social etiquette.)

When Xie Lian suddenly asks about Qiandeng temple, he thinks to himself it would be uncomfortable if Hua Cheng made it specifically for him - again worrying of asking too much, so luckily Hua Cheng lies through his teeth (who’s afraid of being embarrassed?) that it was just a temple he had lying around, and Xie Lian was relieved it was a more or less casual gesture. Hua Cheng is also immediately apologetic about the temple, and says he’s embarrassed about having to admit that the beautiful, peaceful temple he made for Xie Lian is built in the midst of the chaos of Ghost City. Xie Lian initially ponders about the socially proper response to give, and decides he should compliment the temple to make Hua Cheng feel better about it. Which he also seems to take to doing very naturally. It feels like his nervousness about being socially appropriate is easing. It’s just ... so sweet. Every moment that comes up where he could say the wrong thing, he labours over what to do, and then takes a little leap, and Hua Cheng never reacts critically, and so each new occasion that comes up it becomes easier and easier, Xie Lian’s inner monologue feels less and less tense.

When they’re in the temple Hua Cheng humbles himself again, showing something he isn’t good at (calligraphy) and asking for Xie Lian’s help. Xie Lian even recognizes that Hua Cheng’s handwriting is actually very embarrassing and has to fight not to laugh, but it’s not really a big deal either. (!!) Xie Lian is pretty self-effacing about his calligraphy after not practicing for so many years - but eventually he accepts Hua Cheng’s request to teach him. Once he starts teaching Hua Cheng, the constant anxious back and forth of his inner monologue seems to completely fade away, and he’s just focused on the moment, feeling his competency and also his enthusiasm to take charge and teach someone something. One of the first things he does is put his hand over Hua Cheng’s to guide it. He pauses for a moment to worry about how inappropriate it was, but thinks to himself, it’s San Lang, so it’s probably fine, and just goes ahead with it and they have such a good time (T.T). Even when Xie Lian can tell Hua Cheng is purposefully moving his hand chaotically the more Xie Lian tries to firmly guide it (brat!), and he assumes Hua Cheng might be teasing him, he also doesn’t worry about it too much. This is San Lang after all. You can see how Hua Cheng has put his anxieties about following social rules at ease, and made Xie Lian feel like here is someone he can genuinely trust (bless them!).

As Xie Lian takes on a dominant role  in the calligraphy lesson, and Hua Cheng in tandem makes himself more teasingly submissive, Xie Lian feels more grounded and at ease with himself. It’s what feels good to him, but went so wrong in his past, and Hua Cheng is helping him connect with that again (by being the best brat he can be).