#don't mind me i am forever trying & failing to organize myself in a simple way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aetdom · 1 year

Text

On Severe Loneliness and Being Forgotten

The second half of 2022 was the most lonely I have ever felt.

It was around September that I had started free-falling into the bottomless pit of negative self reflection, or should I say, reality checks and self-doubts.

At first it began with stoicism like, "life happens, adulting happens, we all just organically drift apart over time," or "human beings are complicated, we have our own problems and stories, we can't expect people to stay the same," or "it's normal to have new friends and become closer to them, as we grow older it is harder to maintain emotional proximity," or "our life and the way we see it, our direction, our ideas and ourselves in general have become less and less relatable. It's just normal that we would attract and be attracted to things that feel more relatable to us."

To tell you the truth, over the time, it would get severe when I finally realized that "I must be the problematic one," and that "we should normalize associating ourselves with winners just as Harvard studies said that 99% of our success in life is determined by our reference group, and among my peers and friends, I have become quite the loser," or the fact that "we're past our first quarter now, people should invest their time and energy in productive friendships, and honestly, I haven't kept up well," and "it's just normal to be the last option they think about."

I had been away for too long to come out thinking all people stay the same, while they all had evolved and changed during my absence. There I was seeing them just the same as 2-3 years ago, a solid 9/10 to me, meanwhile I had organically become a 5/10 (tops) to them since maybe a year ago.

I was not there in their big moments and I have missed out too many chapters that it would be difficult to just reconnect as deep as before.

Part of me wanted to try accepting and moving on. Part of me gave it away to the darker corner where it spread to questions like, "if they had ever cared at all, why didn't they remind me or call me out when they saw me did something I should've not, why did they just let me rot in the mud and quietly leave?" before going back to "I deserved to be lonely, I owed everyone presence but all I did was ghosting them for years or taking too many rainchecks," and "I guess I am just that toxic and terrible," and "I am no longer circle-worthy person to be honest, as I fell behind everyone, I've become more and more forgettable these days," and "I have been too much these days, it's just natural that anybody care less, they need to preserve their time and energy anyway," and "most of the time I am just too full of myself, in fact, too many times."

Then it rounded up to "this is exactly why I feel lonely and friendless, I think too much instead of actually going out there making amends and making new friends."

It was not like I couldn't do anything alone. In fact, I had spent most of my time alone. Solo-anything had been my forte since forever. I had been used to it, so used to it that I might take my me-time a little bit too long, that I went alone a little bit too much, that now when I wanted company, there were none. I failed my friends and our friendships. I did not take care of it the way I should.

To be frank, I knew all I needed to do was just not overthinking it. I needed to stop over-assuming. I needed to stop going too far taking things personally. I needed to keep moving on. People might even not think about it after all, it just organically happens, we just need to reach out to them, make simple gestures, take care of the friendship, regularly check on them, and if they don't do it first, just do it first. Approach. Make the first move. Put ourselves out there. Join communities. Create new circles. Change the narratives.

Yet the negative thoughts never left my mind, and I was alone in my room almost all the time. It was like running in circle; having nobody to talk to -> feeling lonely -> overthinking -> needing to break negativity -> having nobody to talk to -> being trapped in echo chambers with barely external reminders, second opinions and support.

I wanted to unchain myself from the abyss, but it was very hard to crawl out by myself. I was not confident enough to revoke the curse I might have put on myself. I felt helpless and hopeless.

Maybe it was too late, but I began to text my friends, impulsively check on them, or tell them that I've been thinking about them or that I simply I miss them. Because I did. (And I still do.)

Sometimes I was lucky that 1 or 2 persons would reply. After some topics, I might try to bring up my struggle. It felt like a jackpot when they spared me some advices or their warmth to comfort me. Often times, I barely received feedbacks. Not even a read mark, although they might be seen active at their public handles at the time. Not anyone's fault. I deserved it because I should have done it sooner, not having to wait until I felt lonely. I was that big ghoster after all.

Being not active on social handles had also made things worse, because nowadays, the less you put yourself out there, the easier people just forget about you. Unless there are interactions throughout the time, along with well-maintained emotional proximity.

Two months deep into 2023, I began to actually consider resigning from my current job, and by the next month, I finally delivered the letter.

It has been 4 months now, I had spent the first 2 months of the 'career break' being at hometown before coming back to Jakarta. It became apparent that I was able to think clearly after quitting the job. Despite granma's and a friend's passings in the first month, I could redirect myself and regulate my stress response better.

Hitting my 27th count around the sun, it was scary how one year has flown by. Suddenly, it was June again.

It's not surprising that although I was healthier, leaving hometown for this chapter of Jakarta turns out even better.

It's August already. These past 6 weeks I have been in my best condition.

Don't get me wrong, I am still feeling lonely most of the time, but I guess I have handled it better.

I move on, but I'm still missing my friends so much. I miss having friends, so much.

I am thankful for those 24 years. I am lucky that I met you all and got to share memories with each of you. I miss you all. I am sorry for failing you, not being able to keep up and reciprocate the kindness, being too late to change, and being such a terrible friend.

I miss you all very much.

I look forward to be a winner, a better version of myself at least, so that I can catch up. I need to work on myself first. Win myself first. Value, love, accept, feel enough with myself first to be able to radiate positivity and good energy to others.

I promise I won't be that clingy and annoying old friend who creeps people out. I will humbly earn it.

#loneliness #late 20s #isolation #self reflection

1 note · View note