#dont even fucking get me started on the hollow ill straight up cry so hard ill puke

[jazbell]

got so sad abt pale sliblings i cried 👍

[grubhivemind]

JACE: -the past few days have been full of some intense introspection, mixed with all manner of emotion, and some that aren't even his own. he knows what he wants to do, but he can't just do it. he needs to tell people. he needs to quit keeping secrets.- JACE: -it's a little late when he emerges from his room and he'd prefer not to bother his parents right *now* but they weren't the first person on his mind anyway. he starts his search for joel, who... he's fairly certain is still here. he hopes he is.- JOEL: *Definitely still here. Joel finds himself out in the patio, having a drink and sitting crosslegged on a deck chair cushion. He seems preoccupied talking to someone via text but is otherwise on his lonesome. Probably responding to Rammie's string of snapchats regarding her trip to Febrealia.* JOEL: *An ear angles back to Jace when he enters. That old concern starts gnawing on him again.* Hey. JACE: -aw geez... his heart starts racing as soon as he sees him. he wishes he were braver.- JACE: Hi. -steps over and takes a seat with him, probably too cautiously.- Um... JACE: I wanted to talk to you. JACE: Is that okay? Uh. Are you good to talk? -geez way to make it obvious he's a mess. not that it's a surprise to anybody.- JOEL: Im good to talk. *Joel would say he doesn't bite but that is the very opposite of true.* JOEL: ... JOEL: *gestures at another deck chair. Maybe the one at the opposite end.* JACE: -nods slowly and plops down in the chair. for a second, he just wringes his hands, posture anything but relaxed as he leans over his legs.- JACE: I... JACE: Well, I mean... JACE: -exhales, shoulders sagging.- You probably already know why I was in the forest that night. JOEL: *slowly puts his phone away to give Jace his undivided attention.* No. I dont why you were in the forest. JACE: -alright, he's PRETTY sure he's just trying to get jace to be straight forward which... is fair. and he wants to be. for another second he avoids eye contact, heat rising to his head quickly.- JACE: I was following Kougah. I wanted to check on him after what happened at the town meeting. JACE: Because... Because Ive still been hanging out with him. A... A lot. JACE: And-- And I was worried. About him. -eyes start to prickle with tears already. why does he have to be like this??- JOEL: *He hears all this and swallows against an ugly amount of bile rising up as he makes connections.* You still been hanging out with him. /A lot./ *echoes the words so Jace can hear them too. As well as how disbelieving Joel is that they're real.* JOEL: *but now he's swearing under his breath, unable to keep a cap on the hiss in his voice.* ...God. JOEL: Just... *Is there even words for this? Joel can't seem to grasp the concept.* What... the hell is wrong with you?? JACE: -shrinks into himself, the bite of joel's words resounding in his head, somehow managing to overpower even the thud of his heartbeat in his ears. it's a good question, really, but he knows he can't let himself be bowled over. swallowing the tightness in his throat, he squares his shoulders in prepartion for more verbal strikes.- JACE: When you told me what you did... I was angry... And I wanted to understand. I didnt... I didnt get it, because he-- JACE: He saved me. JACE: I started coming to Avalon when I heard about the missing people... And the spiritual activity. I wanted to study it... Because I wanted to help. But I didnt know what I was getting into and... I might have died if he hadnt shown up. -eyes flood with fresh tears again remembering it. it makes everything that happened that much more painful.- JACE: So, I... I wanted to confront him. About why. And how. He could do that. And I told him-- How much Rammie meant to our family. And to me. And I told him to make things right. And he said he would, because-- Because how I felt mattered to him. -ducks his head, choking a little on the tears now.- JACE: I thought that maybe things could get better. That we could work something out because... He-- I cant... I cant explain it. I guess it doesnt matter. Its no excuse. JACE: I just... didnt feel so lonely anymore. JACE: ... Im sorry. JOEL: *Rage is flooring past any amount of sympathy or understanding Joel might have had for Jace. It's fueled by the gut-wrenching fear and the heartbreak of knowing there wasn't a damn thing Joel could do about any of this. Joel stands with such a vicious snarl.* YOU COULD HAVE DIED IF YOU STAYED WITH HIM. DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT??? JOEL: And you... YOURE the one worried about HIM??? HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT JACE???? JOEL: It only took ONE FUCKING MISTAKE AND RAMMIE SHE JUST... He FUCKING LEFT HER IN THAT FOREST JACE. HE WOULD HAVE LEFT HER THERE AND WE WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND HER. JOEL: So Im asking again WHAT THE *FUCK* IS WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU SAY YOURE HELPING PEOPLE??? YOU JUST ADMITTED IT! JOEL: YOURE JUST HELPING YOUR OWN GODDAMN FUCKING *SELF*. JOEL: WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE WHO GIVES AN ACTUAL SHIT ABOUT YOU WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?????? JACE: -drags his hands over his hair and through his hair, trying with all his might to stand tall and take it, but he just can't, eventually crumbling into desperate sobs. he doesn't know what's wrong with him, and suddenly he's unsure all over again what he should do.- JACE: -did he really want to go back to help, or was there some fucked up selfish ulterior motive he couldn't quite identify? images of the dead pack of wolves and what may become of avalon flood his thoughts, followed by a rush of rage and grief and uncontrollable helplessness and it takes all his power to keep him planted in this seat instead of finding something to drive his fists into. instead, he j JACE: ust digs his nails into his scalp and mutter under his breath.- JACE: I dont-- I dont know...... JOEL: Well you better fucking know. *growls, the sound very real in the way Joel grits his teeth. Trying not to give into the ill feeling he feels in the deepest part of his stomach.* Because youre thinking of going back there. And trying to fix a goddamn PROBLEM that was never yours to begin with. JOEL: You just??? SOMEHOW made this your problem. And I wont say somehow. You know exactly what youre doing. JACE: Thats not... -not true, he wants to say, but it pitters off meekly as he completely loses sight of what even is true. he doesn't know why he listened to anybody who supported him. the reality is that he's a selfish idiot, so desperate he'll forgive anything just to grasp at a little bit of happiness, and that complacency makes him an apologist of unforgivable things. that makes him no better than JACE: a murderer. maybe in some sick way, that's why they deserved each other.- JACE: I wont go. JOEL: *He exhales sharply, feeling like his chest was being cleaved in two. The wound seeps with pain, invisible but very very fresh. Joel would clutch at it if he only could.* I hope so. I dont... *falters, his guard wavering* JOEL: I dont know what else to do with this. JACE: -keeps his voice quiet and his head lowered.- Theres nothing else to do. Theres nothing... JACE: Theres... *nothing.* -hiccups, kick starting yet another series of sobs.- JOEL: *Everything hurts and nothing is okay. But Joel keeps pressing on, draggig his hand down his face. As long as it helps steer off the waterworks.* Theres not nothing Jace. Dont you see that? JOEL: Theres still You. JOEL: And damn if Im gonna let you believe thats not good enough. JOEL: Whatever else happens... you did try. JOEL: And it fucking counts okay? I dont care what anyone else does or says. JOEL: You just... JOEL: Cant fix something like this. Or someone like him. JACE: -it's hard to swallow any kind of reassurance after being repeatedly questioned about what's wrong with him. so what if he has himself when he's awful? so what if he tried when he did it for selfish reasons? he gets the feeling he's just being talked down so he'll stop crying, and the idea leaves him hollow enough that sobs dissolve into sniffles and he can start to wipe away tears without more re JACE: placing them. he just nods slowly.- JACE: Okay... JOEL: *he's quiet a moment, grappling with the physical desire to reach out to his brother. But it feels like such a dangerous thing. Like they could both hurt each other more than they already had.* Im... JOEL: Really sorry. JOEL: *Joel doesn't suspect there's more to say after that. With a trot down the patio steps, he's gone down the beach. Taking off into the stretch of night.* JACE: -there's another long moment where jace sits alone, blotting out everything till he's only left with a buzz of white noise in his head. and only after his thoughts are disturbingly clear does he get back up to go to his room. nothing left to do now but sleep.-