#dont film twitter guys get tired of being stupid idiots about everything

[mummer]

wow you think making comic book movies is comparable in any way to creating fucking nuclear weapons? You must be some kinda genius of posting..

[teydious]

a month of quarantine

since everyone is talking about #quaranthings on social media, you name it, facebook, twitter, ig, tiktok, a week ago someone even sent me a group message (i mean bruh who does that nowadays) i might as well crack some thoughts instead of yet another episode of lying and mulling over nonsense things on bed, so now im in my desk to what i assume an office-corner in my room, pretending that im absolutely focused and have nothing ever to distract me from writing this entry - sooo here it is, my hashtag-quaranthings.

i think i’ve reach the point of letting myself to go mad and do whatever my mind tells me to, i’ve been basically a slave to my own mind. yep, since i peaked teenage life there was not a day i dont protest doing what my whole being is against with and still end up doing it because im such an idiot without self-control. this apparently has led me to horrible, horrible decisions coated with a massive energy of remorse and humiliation. yay, congrats to me; a person who always been dragged by wants and spontaneous impulses. really, how do i still show my face around?! 😭

a week after lockdown i was at tug of war between my body and my screwed sleeping schedule. i literally slept between 2-3 am, wakes up around 10am and sleep again for four hours at 3pm. this was on loop for about two weeks until i mentally beat my ass and decided to get my shit together and fix my routine. ahh, yes routine🙃 that word has long been astrayed since i entered college. my high school phase was calm, too timid and organize, seems all things was in my palms and i get to dictate my good and bad habits, but boy when i came to college, it was a different level of stupidity. my time management, my habits, routines, my schedules were fucked up and tossed to the other side of the Pacific ocean - i was at loss. mentally, i was drained; physically, dehydrated and always always tired; my will and passion seems limited and i was always profoundly unmotivated; i didnt know i am and these strange people keep pushing me to cross the line, they seem to bring out something i didnt know i had in me.. or was it always within me and i’ve been concealed all my life? either way im still fucked up. now came to my terrible choices, after two weeks of lockdown, well i kind of tried to do productive things - i draw, i read books, i actually read 3 books(heh be proud self), i fixed my room, my closet and did some reformations, i wrote couple of things, i watched educational films - i basically TrIEd to iron my crampled routine. but i wouldn’t say i’ve done everything because obviously im still slacking off, not a surprise anymore. the funny thing is though im aware of my shit, i still not do anything about it😬 god i am forever be a shitty person with shitty decisions in life. im trashy than raccoons. my life has been digital, insecured, unable to write a proper piece, hang out in twitter and bragged my filtered habits, plus ignoring people who reach out and onlyrespind to selected few i feel like talking to. i know, i know stab me in the back, im a terrible friend.

i did keep track of my emotions though. i was coming back and forth with my feelings, and desperate to have someone to flirt with(because trust me, thats what everyone i know seems to be doing in quarantine). last night, someone i like drop a bomb at me. i mean, it happen so fast til now i still dont know how to digest the information. to give a little backstory, i like this guy for around 5-6 months now i guess, whoa thats long for a crush; we dont talk much especially now that social distancing have been the absolute rule of all time. we do chat sometimes, brief conversations i still squeeled about, however last night he, out of knowhere, told me he and his girl friend already called the thing off, “split na kami” he says, and i was like bruhhh what u say? u cant hust drop that to someone who’s secrelty infatuated by for months😳 trust me i was hyperventilating the moment he said that. i couldn’t breathe properly, my mind is thrown in different places, and hand itched to slap my face to knock some sense. it was a bomb i didnt know would drop so abruptly and so fast! you know, when you predicted that something will happen eventually and it did happen, only that it was sudden and terse and you were unprepared but the bomb just come dropped off at that exact moment, boom! i didnt die, but i sure am breathless, figuratively and literally. to be honest, i didnt know of i should be happy, i didnt know what appropriate emotion should i be feeling even. i didnt feel sorry for their relationship, it would be sounding hypocrite to say that. i was unconvinced, but i felt giddy. partly, i wanted to believe it was true, that they broke up and that i should be happy, but what would this happiness leads me..? false hope? because suddenly they broke up and it was my turn? that night, i dreamt about him. he’s even haunting my dream now.

anyway, this has been long and i must admit that it was a good thing that i was able to write this much instead of abiding the limited characters when i tweet. my #quaranthings aren’t finished and i’d like it to surprise me whatever it brings me.