#drawing at least. doesnt hurt. its safe and comforting even if i struggle to think of what i can make bc of my brain problems

[shyrose57]

Part 2 with da angst

2: Young Ranbob did not understand at all what was going on, infact he refused to believe he ever had anything to do with the sabotages, it was only when Dream took over completely and gave Ranbob enough of his mind to know what he was doing, did he finally accept it. He tried and tried to break Dreams control and get control of his body back, but nothing he did ever really worked, and the more he tried Dream eventually began to punish him, forcing him to stop. He felt aboustely awful, like a failure, a murder, and just a shitty person during all of this. His journal shows basically all of his mental decline, it went from normal, him recording special things during the day, to semi-normal, him expression concern and fear over the sabotages and killings (with some out of place words or sentences here and there appearing half way through, showing Dreams presence), to recordings from someone with obvious mental distress (misspelled words, extreme fear, showing fear of himself, hasty writings and drawings, very obviously out of place sentences (their neater than the rest and written differently, written by Dream), and meaningless words and sentences, obviously trying to say something but not knowing how too), all they way to flipping entries of when Ranbob is in control (sadness, despair, hasitly done, regret, and just heavy sentences) to when Dream is in control (Neat writing, stating "facts", showing a level of glee). Ranbob does still have it, he actually still uses it to record what happens in the groups and how far he's come. To the Gladiators its more of a "Hey I found this thing, lets read this thing." "No let's not read the thing." "Im going to ignore you and read it anyway.". The pictures are from the current ruined state of the City of Mizu, and pictures showing Ranbob at the fishermens house, struggling to walk and even eat on his own, though a few are from before Dream ever got a hold of Ranbob. 

3: The way you just said "Causally drops some trauma on them, huh?" And "Traumatized gremlins" made me laugh so much. Its so accurate and made me just think of the brothers vibing toghere before I just pop in and drop tons of trauma on them before dipping. "Ah, damn, the opponent stared me in my chest." "WHY ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS!? YOUR BLEEDING OUT!" "Oh im used to this. Trust me I'll survive...probably." "RAN I SWEAR!". And "Ranbob when did you last eat?" "Uhhh, 2 days ago I think." "..." "D-did I eat too soon? I dont have to eat for another day or two max-" "Ranbob shut up and eat." "B-but-" "If you dont eat I'll tell Benjamin." "OK ok I'll eat."  Ran thinks its normal to get stabbed often, while Ranbob thinks its normal to only eat every 2 or 3 days, and to not sleep for a long time. There is one particular hunter that's been hunting him the longest, they go by Raq and are the most determined to get Ran, though they don't plan on killing him, but rather kidnapping him and exploting him for pearls. It was a bit hard at first, Ran kept having to leave to wander around the City for a bit, though he eventually successfully got accustomed to staying in one place, though he does sometimes wish he could travel again. 

4: A bit of everything, him getting violent and trying to run at first. But after that it fades more into what resembles a depressive state, with him refusing to move and crying while being lost in his head. He requires space to move around but be monitored in the first state, while for the second he needs constant comfort and physical contact. The aftermath was the fishermen and Jackie staying close to Ranbob for the next 2 days, while Grievous and Watson try to find Ran after he stormed off in anger and disbelief. Ran does know what a relapse means, but during the time he believes Ranbobs relapse might be something else (like his facade faulting maybe).

5: Not long at all, while Ran is carrying Jackie and Cletus makes fun of them as Ranbob is following him, Jackie quickly points out how Ranbob is like a lost puppy, and the same thing is basically happening to the two of them, but showed different ways. (The brothers making sure their family is safe by sticking close to them).

6: By the time they travel to Subbin, Ranbob has gained like 80 pounds and is a way more healthy weight and looks much more healthier than when the fishermen first found him. 

7: Their usually either getting materials, looking around the area/exploring, being taught things by someone, or sleeping. Charles was the one who revived the nickname! He called him that when trying different tactics to calm him down from a nightmare, Ranbob immediately froze and after a while started to cry, Charles panicked but Ranbob quickly comforted him, saying he just hasn't heard Bobby used in such a long time and brings back both incredibly happy and incredibly sad memories. And with permission, Charles starts using it more. Ran also freezes when hearing it, immediately going ridged and almost ripping a map he has in his hands, when asked by Grievous what was wrong, he just growled out nothing and moved on. Though he does mull over it later, conflicting emotions running all over him. 

8: Helping separate Ran and Ranbob was already big for the gladiators. As most people would just watch with glee. Then when they get time to talk and make the connection between Ran and Ranbob, they decide to make a exception and willingly put in effort to bond with the other group. Also them just naturally connecting made the bonding and trust easy between the groups. 

9: They do both! They keep some books, pictures, and other stuff, but sell others as relics. Ranbob mostly disapproves of them selling the items, but also knows it'll probably be best to sell them, and have them either spread the story of Mizu as a warning, or have the story of Mizu destroyed by assumptions and twisting of the story. 

10: I'm thinking maybe a Wilbur decendent is inhabiting a certain town, and when the groups stop in for a break, Wilbur decendant  houses them and listens to their story, and tries to help?

11: They mostly just find them, they either find them in book stores or ruined towns and cities (maybe I can put The Masquerade tale in here somewhere), a wide range of people, from scholars to plain history nerds, to books from during the time of the SMP itself to books written by seemingly no one. Ranbob finds some himself, mostly when exploring with the group. I think I misworded this! Dream is the one who compared Ranbobs journal to Ranboos memory book! Ranbob knows of Ranboos memory book but he himself doesn't see the connection. Ran feels all of the above. He is extremely ashamed and disappointed in himself for hurting his brother, he hugs him tightly and apologizes non-stop, promising to make it all up to him, and while he asks for forgiveness he also says he doesnt expect for his brother to forgive him. Once he finally sees Dream for real though he's the first one to blindly attack and try to kill em. Though he doesnt succeed. 

12: No one expect the brothers where outside in the rain when they fought. So no one knew of what was happening. Its only when Ran finally joined them, but alone, did they get scared and alarmed. And when Ran admits they got into a fight and Ranbob ran off, the fishermen immediately start yelling at Ran and run off to find Ranbob, screaming his name into the deafening thunder. Grievous follows them but Watson and Jackie hang back a bit, Jackie just looks at Ran with a heartbroken expression, tears in his eyes, and asks, with his voice shaking and laced with sadness, "Why can't you at least try to accept him, you dont have to like or forgive him, but why can't you just let him heal?" "Jackie..you dont know what's he done-" "I do know! And I'm willing to help him change and recover! You can't and your his brother! What kind of family member are you?" Ran tries to respond but Jackie just chokes and shakes his head at him, running off to follow the others. Watson then speaks up, simply saying "Mate, your doing more than hurting Ranbob at this point." Before running off to follow and join the others. Ran feels horrible, even before being confronted he so badly wanted to chase after Ranbob, but was to scared too and he constantly was trying to reassure himself that he did the right thing, but no matter what, he couldn't convince himself that was the truth. And after the confrontation, Ran is taking what was said to heart and also considering running away, leaving the group behind and sparing them of all the pain he believes he causes, believing that he's just as bad a family member as Ranbob was. But he doesnt, because he feels like he absolutely needs to talk to his brother and everyone else. 

2: Oh god. Poor Ranbob. He really went through it. It does make me wonder, did anyone notice something was up? His mentor? Parents? Friends? Speaking off, what was his relationship with them all? From what I know, he seemed to be under a lot of pressure, so how did that effect things, and how did Dream’s presence change that? And uh, gladiators reactions to reading the diary? Also, did they get caught reading it, or? And how did everyone in general react to the pictures? The fishermen may have taken the latter, but how did they feel about seeing Ranbob before Dream came into the picture?

3: I tell it like it is, glad to hear it’s made you laugh though. And uh, oh boy. On one hand, I definitely shouldn’t laugh at stabbing and possible starvation. One the other. Ran’s reaction. Ranbob being threatened with Benjamin. Is he often threatened with Benjamin? What exactly happens if Benjamin is told? Will Raq be causing future problems? Is Ran happy to be on the road again?

4: That sucks. Did the gladiators witness it first hand, or did the fishermen kind of realize what was happening and split off for a bit? Reactions to either seeing or hearing this happen?

5: Ranbob’s reaction to this? Heck, all of the fishermen’s reactions?

6: As he should. If he ever starts looking even slightly thin again, Benjamin needs to jump into immediate action! Also, give him a blanket and warm drink, please? Please, he needs it, they all do. 

7: So not too bad, that’s good. Charles was the one, huh? Interesting. Does Ranbob like having it back? And conflicting emotions, hmm? What would those emotions be? Does anyone ever notice the nickname makes him mad? 

8: So the gladiators consider that their big approval? Why’s that? Like obviously, they helped break it up, but was it something particular? Did they get between the two? Jump into the arena? What?

9: A warning of Mizu...there’s something awfully tragic about that. 

10: Sounds interesting! In what way would they be able to help? 

11: Scattered about, hm? So Ranbob knows about Ranboo’s memory book? Did Dream tell him, or did Mizu have a copy, or? And yay, Ranbob finally gets a hug! Most wonderful! Sad Ran doesn’t succeed in murder, but meh. Always next time, I suppose.

12: You...you were really going for my heart when you wrote this, weren’t you? Um, first of all, ouch. Second of all, also ouch. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. Just, ouch, Anon. Ouch.

[xxchibilifexx]

I wish i could kill myself. I even wrote a letter. So if i do it then theywill hear my last words. I want to die. And I just wish Icoukd talk with someoneabout iy. Someone who stands next to me and whowill see how much icryand how much i struggle. Someone who will hugmr and just listen. I want to besavedbysomeone but at thesame time i dont want to bothersomeone wiyh it. It bothers people. They dont want to hear this stuff. People want to behappyand i amjust interrupting them. So i will try to seem happy for them. And give them a positive versiin of myself until i am finally gone. I want to thank my sister for being therefor me and that i was the only person for herwhocould stay byherside. I am glade that i made you smile a lot. And j am glade that you love me somuch. I amhappy that i coul help you tobecome such a good woman. You are strong and you dont need me anymore because youfound your love which is enough. I trust this guy so hebetter take care of you ok? You can have all of my stuff. All those things that I had. Please dont throw my art away. It was the only thing that I loved in this world. If it is possible could you please bring it to a place where its safe or where it can stay forever? It doesnt need to be seen by everyone but just...make it last forever. Thank you for staying so strong. You will become stronger after Ileft. Then there wont be amyone who will bother you. Iwont hold you back and iwont causemore trouble. I wont be a useless person anymore who makes everything more difficult. Iam sorrythat i coukdnthelp you more. But i cant do this anymore. My sister is the only person who i can talk to so there arentreally people who i am close to... But yeah Ihave a friend who is called Vigga. He is beautiful and he trieshis fucking best to stay inthis world. I am proudof him. We havent wrote much but he was the only one who coukd calm me down when i wanted to kill myself. He was strong for the others but not himself. I love you. You are amazing and although you always call me brother, I need to tell you that I had a crush on you but I dont know what a crush even is...so i think its wasnt really real. But you willalawys bemy brother. Those drawing where my last gift for you and I hope that you will remember me. The book was beautiful and I want it to be safe. So sister, please take care of itok? ...this is the pointwhere I shoukd be talking abohtmy parents right? Yeah,but there isnt much. Mother you taughtmethat Iwas useless and that I shoukd hide myself from theworld and be afraid. That iwill neverbe good enough. Thank you, i know that now. You tried to make up your mistakes and be a good "mother", but you will never be one to me. For me you are just a woman who came to late to safe me. Your hugsare could and you voice makes me scared. But hey, you can be happy that you at least try to seem like a good person right? But one thing, if you dare to hurt my sister one more time, I will come and kill you because that is what you deserve. You wanted to protect us from "father"? Well but you didn't even consider that you are the one who should be gone. I never loved you. And I don't want to mention my "father" so I will just say that I never had a father but there was a man who made me feel helpless and lose all the hope that I once had inthis world. You make me sick. And if you dare to contact my sister again I will come and kill you too because you fucked the whole family up and you arent even sorry for it. Be ashamed of yourself. Ok and to end it I just want to say that my brother is amazing. I know that you cant read at all but i want to say that its not yourfault for not understanding us. Youstill make a lot of people happy with your big smile.so be proud of it. I am glade that you are here and dont listen to mother. You don't need to change. You are perfect already. You are happy and that is enough, brother. Keep being awesome my lovely brother. I love you so much, although you don't like hugs but its fine. Now that I amdone with my family and my best friend I just want to let say some randomstuff to some people who made me feel something jnthepast. Lina you are an amazing person and I hope that you get your 15 points in each subject. I alwayswanted to belike you. Be popular. Loving yourself. And being comfortable inany kind of area. You alwaysmake the room shine and tthat is awesome. Kira,Jakob, Vic and Nicoli, I haven't got to know you all as much as Lina but you are all really nice people and wish I could have been a part of your group.but i never really was. Maybe you didnt notice my true feelings but ialwzyswishedthat j could run away. I wasnt shy but terrified to live. But yeah. I apologize for not telling you allmy true name, its John. Dont be surpised about it, Lina and Kira already knew it. Oh and Jakob, you still look like Peter Parker from Spiderman. I am kidding butI really like you a lot, youareawesome. And Vic, I think you are thecoolest girl that iever got to know becauseyou are just being you and its amazing. I wish icoukd have open up to youbecause i liked to be around yoh. But i was alwaysto uncomfortable with myself. But because of you iwas able to sometimes say what i reallythink about others or things. You all alwags took it as a jokebut i was always serious. And Nicoli, ok i dont want to make you uncomfortable but i loved youreyes a lot. Icould starre at them and still be impressed. Ok, so i liked your jokes a lot and wish i could have seen how you dance. You are really a beautiful dude and i hope that you and youtwin brother will find happiness... Kira I am sorry that you got to be the last one. Dont bemad at me. Anyway ireally love your art. It was so wonderful and i was always jealous. I wznted to hate you dumb ass were so nice to me so icouldnt hate you.but i amglade that i meet youbecause you are really a sweetheart and i am surprised that you still donthavea boyfriend yet. You are really such an interesting person and I always wanted to bake a cake with you or dance with you. You guys are too awesome and I thankful for the time that you spend with me but i am angry at myslef that you wasted your tine on me. A person who didnt had a face. It wasntworth it. So please forget me. I alwaysthoughtthat icould tell youall my feelings and that iwant todie but i know itwould bejust me being a burden. So i shut up. You all deserved more than what you got from me. I am really sorry. Now I want to talk about a few people who probably donteven think about me. Karsten, it made my day to see you at least once. I loved yoursmile a lot and it made me happy to see you laugh with yohrfriends. I zlways wznted to beyour friend but i know that i am not good enough. Youare amazing and it was a shock for me when youcalled me John before this spanish lesson. I didnt know that you knew about the name...but it made me happy that you just accepted me as a guy although i ha ent even explained myself or said anything. Youjust respected me and yhis made me cry. I had a huge crush on you and wish i hadmore lessons with you. Iwish we could have kissed each kther and I wishyou were my best friend. Since 2016 i liked you. You are awesome but i think you never liked me as muchas ido. Keep being a sunshine. Mia i loved how good you were in volleyball and i wish i was as good as you are. I admired how nice and supportiveyou were. I wish i could have been brave enough to tell youthat i suffer in every sport lessonthat wehad. That iwas embarrassed to go into the girls changing room. That i was sorry to exist. I neverwanted to come but ididnt wanted to make it more difficult forme than it already js.. youare beautiful and i hope you find a good guy. Johanna, i am thankful for the time that youspend with me. Itwas short but it was so.ething. you saw how much i suffered but you didnt ask me why. No you asked but i used an excuse so that idont need to explain myself.WHY DIDNT YOH ASK ME MORE. WHY DIDNT YOU SAW THAT IWANTED TO DIE. Anyway, i think youare a cool girl and i sometimes wished to be yourboyfriend butyou never sawme as a dude. You justsaw the person who tried to be something thatcant even be figured out. My math teacher and my art teacher were really nice to me too. I alwagswanted totell you both that i ddont feel good but ididnt wanted to say what was in my mind. Itwas to muchtk beexplained. But my art teacheralways knew that i wastrans and he saw that j was getting sicker and sickerso why whywhy WHY DIDNT YOUSTOP AND ASK ME. I SAID IT WZS NOTHING BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS A LIE RIGHTright?? Amywag..you both were my favourite teachers and i am happy that yoh were my LK teachers...please just forget me ok? And to finish this.... Hey my dearest friend Sev, Yes i am sick. Yes I have trouble with staying here. But it wasnt because of me beingtrans. It. Wasnt.BECAUSE.OF.THAT. So shut the fuck up. I am dead because of many reasons and everyone in this letter has caused it. Yes you too. Because you left me and decided that yohr religion is more impirtant then our deep relationship. I hate you. Why did you leave? If you werentgonethan this woukdnt happen. But well you alwayscared aboutyourself anyway. I am glade that i helped youto find your way.are you happy? Well probably because you dont need tosee or hang outwith me anymore. Guess what iwillbe gone from this world too haha so youdknt need to be afraid to see me i thecity or street! Are you haply now? Good luck with yourlife. And Bas, I am glade that wehad a good ti.e together.yoh were honest and brave. I admire that. Be happy. I dont know anyone else who I know in real life so let me talk about you gugs here. @fallcter i am gladethat you are here and that you wanted tohelp me. My blog is useless andso am I. Ihope that youwill get better soon.idonthave hope for myself but you will make it. @snow-wiz20 thank you for cheeringme up when i felt lonely and messed up. I dont knowhow to thank you..but i am sorrythag i wasted your time and I hooe that you dknt have to gothrough thesame thing as me... @nouga-agathe-zed hay ehm, i am really glade that iwasable to get to know yoh, itwas interestingto meet sucha person and i wish icoukd have been a better person.i wishi was more funny and thatiwas more joyful....what youdo it amazibgand yourart is nicetoo...i am sorry that i took qso much time from you and i hope that your life will be nottoo stressful.. This is not a suicide note...it seems like one right? Haha yeah...i needed to say it I am sorry if j worried everyone but i just need toqay stuff like this I dont know when i wi b gone so j alreadg wrote this..i am sorry Dont beworried about me

[jambud-universe]

   Hey, so I know I’m gonna be talking about a sensitive subject with this, and i know it might start some controversy stuff, but i’ve been holding this in for a year now or so and i just really had to get it out. I do not intend to offend anyone, i just would like to be heard out if thats okay.

  I should start this out with my drawing, and steven and connie’s relationship.  Steven and Connie’s relationship is heterosexual, or at least heteroromantic since they’re not at the age for intimacy yet (Connverse is basically canon so i think its safe to say they have a relationship). Now, I,myself am a straight girl, so i guess it’d be obvious i have a better interest in straight relationships over queer ones. But do i only like connverse because it’s a hetero ship? of course not! I like steven and connie for how they are together and alone. They’re both well written characters,and have a great connection with eachother. Pretty much in the beginning, it started out as steven having a crush on connie and didn’t know how to talk to her,but eventually they started a true and wonderful friendship together, as well as developing a cute romance once they got to know eachother better. They’re both just two young people who feel innocent and blissful when they’re singing or dancing or just hanging out together. I can go on with more examples,but if you’re a connverse shipper you should know what im talking about.

    So, about the drawing. It’s in black in white,which are the colors of the straight flag (im not sure if its official or not). Which might be taken as a micro-aggression against the gay flag,but i dont see it that way. I see it as a symbol of the Yin-Yang sign (which i’ve always seemed to have an interest in). Since the (Yin) black side represents women,the moon,calmness, and submissiveness. And the (Yang) white side represents men,the sun,pride, and dominance. Together they stand for the power of two different forces, and how they complement eachother,yet are so different. Bringing a unique balance to the world (or relationship).  I think steven and connie’s relationship is a really important example of heterosexual relationships, especially in this day and age since its really hard to see a relationship in the media that isn’t just based on attraction and not actual chemistry.

     I think it’s important since the show has two different relationships that are pretty similar, steven and connie which are straight, and ruby and sapphire which are gay. I think i like it for displaying both relationships with a fair amount of ups and downs, with the love thats obviously there. I like the idea of portraying both gay and straight people equally because, they are. Who you are as a person shouldn’t be judged on your sexuality, but people should like you for who you are as an individual. The show displays both straight and gay relationship in a normal and healthy way, and i really like that.

   So this is kinda where it gets personal about me, so i do not mean to hurt anyone if i say something wrong. I wasn’t always straight (believe it or not) when i was like 5 i remember equally considering the possibilities of being in a relationship with both boys and girls, hell i even remember having the mindset that if two guys get together,they have a son,and if two girls get together they have a daughter,and a guy and a girl could have either. When i was around middle school or so i never really felt attracted to anyone (my anxiety keeps me away from people anyways) so i was aromantic but i felt more comfortable considering myself straight and not queer, since i didnt feel like i needed to group myself, and it wasnt a big transition or anything, thats just how it was i guess. I’m just straight now since my now boyfriend (who i love with all my heart,and basically have a relationship like connverse with him) admitted he liked me and i just said “fuck it, you’re nice so i’d like to see where this goes”.  All this stuff has been simple to me, and it never felt like a big transition to me really.

What motivated me to speak out now is that originally, i wanted to see if there was some straight appreciation, or gay-straight alliance day where i can post this, but all i got where tweets and posts just saying some really offensive stuff. I saw this one thing posted (as a joke) talking about a terrorist attack (or something similar) in a gay bar with the tag “happy heterosexual pride day”. Which, is just repulsive, basically calling everyone confident about being straight a terrorist, making a joke out of it, and taking a horrible tragedy of people dying as a joke to make instead of doing something positive for those in the community who were hurt. For years now, i’ve seen posts passively joking and stereotyping straight people,which for one is insulting an entire group of people for their sexuality, and thats just kinda ironic since im sure gay jokes are offensive, i find them offensive too. And then right after they make posts like this they say shit like “heterophobia doesn’t exist” which really ticks me off since that in itself is an example of people thinking “or you’re straight so you don’t face any hardships in the world and have a perfect relationship with your family and are healthy and not misunderstood in any other way”  i’ve seen this shit a lot, and i’m mentally disabled,i’ve been abused by my family physically,mentally and sexually, i guess its just ironic to me,though its not noticed as much but straight people still get shit at them and blamed for things they didnt do. And hell,i waited a year,and i still feel bad just saying how i feel.Maybe its just a personal thing and all im doing is finding some shit to rant about because im an asshole,if you want, you can minimize my feelings to that.  I know hardly anyone would hear me out,let alone understand.

I’m not saying there should be a straight pride day,since that’d be pointless, but i’d like a straight-gay appreciation thing, because both sides have people who are innocent and would like to seek equality. I just believe that would help seek past conflict, and maybe calm down some aggression in some way. I know the queer community has been through a lot and is still struggling, and while that is awful, that doesnt mean every straight person is homophobic or rude, though i know a lot of people these days are and i believe it will get better in the future and hope people of any sexuality will be equal.

Again, i didn’t mean any offense to anyone, and if you’re queer and made it this far, i hope your life gets better if you’re going through any struggles, same goes to anyone reading this who needs some cheering up. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone.  you’ve been really kind to have read this far in my nonsense,and for that, i respect you for listening to me.💜

[neganisking]

The resident (2011) non horror AU - Max smut

Okay so I watched the resident tonight and i have this idea for a non horror kinky au. I know this is a twd blog but i have some jdm fans following who might like this.

Actual idea under the cut. WARNING: smut, BDSM, D/s, oral, voyeurism, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, cannon-ish max with his questionable thoughts, consentual sleep sex/ play, bodily fluid, minor drug use. I don’t wanna get into a debate about this being healthy or not. It’s fantasy so do with it what you will.

Okay so imagine that the girl moves into his building and there’s a building romance and when she goes to kiss him he ducks out of it, like the movie.

Then when he next speaks to her he explains that it wasn’t her its that he had particular tastes when it comes to those kinda relationships and he didn’t want to impose his ideas on her.

She gets curious and asks him about what those tastes are.

But ever since his grandfather caught max looking at bdsm porn he has had it drilled into his mind that he’s sick for enjoying it that he ought to be ashamed for liking those dynamics and the kinks he has. Duo he struggles like fuck about telling her. He likes her and its been so long since he had tried to be with anyone that he’s afraid of her rejection and losing her altogether.

It takes a bit of coaxing on her part but reluctantly he mentions something about kink and bdsm and waits for the disgust to come rolling in.

Except it doesn’t.

She smiles softly and tells him not to worry. That she knows a thing or two about that kind of thing and he isn’t quite sure what to do with the information. For the first time in such a long time he has hope that maybe someone will finally get him.

So they talk. Max isn’t sure exactly how he’s managing to get the words out and maybe his shame is written in his face because she slips her hand into his and he flushes with warmth at the contact. She listens so well to him and when she speaks about her own kinks and what she thinks of his desires he can’t quite believe he isn’t dreaming.

It doesnt happen all at once. That’s the hardest part for max. But with the possibility of something real at the end of it he manages to quell his thoughts and urges well enough. They get to know each other and develop what he’s calling a proper relationship for the first time in forever.

He realises how much respect he has for this woman. How incredibly strong and determined she is. He values the way she works so hard at what she does and how brave she is for putting her thoughts and ideas out there for him to hear. Shes so honest about her feelings and desires that it helps him to become more open about his too. He trusts this woman and it scares him a little. maybe hes falling a little.

Somehow she must have decided to trust him too because one night she invites max in to her appartment for the night. Its incredible. Max gets to feel touch and taste her and its better than fantasy its real. He cant help but feel how right it is as he fucks her. He had never enjoyed vanilla sex like this. Its never been this good. It was like his dick was made just for her. She lets him sleep in her bed and he just holds her gently, watching her sleep, too afraid of messing it up to even consider doing anything. He realises the voices are much quieter now.

Then comes more talking. Max never realised just how much talking he would have to do about sex before the actual sex happened. It annoyed him sometimes. Not because she wanted to talk about it but rather how talking about it made him feel. August was only at the end of the hall after all. She never judged him though, not once. He told her all about his voyeristic desires with his head bowed but she got it. To his surprise, She told max how she like the thought of being watched. She even confessed herself to having watched someone living in the next building have sex through their open window. Best orgasm she had ever given herself she had said. Max wasnt sure if he was dreaming but he didnt want to wake up if he was.

The first time she let him watch her masturbate she was nervous. He was so taken aback that it was actually happening that he stayed quiet in the chair and silently encouraged her and she stripped out of her clothes. Her eyes never left his. He didnt bother touching his cock that time for fear he’d miss even the smallest tremmor or sigh escaping her lips. She came hard, back arching, her pussy glistening and smiled.

It became a staple in their explorations. When the mood took him, max would instruct her how to touch herself, relishing in her submission to him. It made him feel powerful and it made him care for her more than he had ever thought possible. He slowly let his dominance through becoming more and more comfortable exercising his will over her. Trusting that she would tell him the moment it wasn’t okay with her.

One night falling asleep in his arms, she took hold of his hand and slowly dragged it between her legs, pressing his fingers against her pussy. He wasnt sure what it meant so he asked her. She told him she remembered about his other fantasy and that he didnt have to but if he wanted he could touch her while she slept. He kissed her and called her his good girl then and she smiled.

He waited until her breathing evened out his hand still and warm against her cunt before dipping his finger into her folds. She was soaking wet. He bit back a groan softly kissing her shoulder as he gently began to exolore her pussy while she slept. Finding her clit he thumbed it softly, eventually daring to slip two fingers inside her soping hole. He stroked her until he felt her walls tighten against his fingers and her pussy twitch and clench in an orgasm just for him alone. Her eyes flickered open ever so lightly and a small whimper escaped her lips but he knew she wasn’t really awake, hushing her back to sleep with gentle kisses.

Max had never felt so good. He didnt even have to hide it this time. He wondered how he got so lucky. He knew he was going to take such good care of her.

When she woke up in the morning she asked him what had happened. As he told her the truth he saw the way her breathing changed and the flush spreading across her chest. He had no doubt how much she enjoyed it when she asked his permission to give him a blowjob.

Things developed from there. Max worked on the other apartments while she was at work during the day and when she wasnt with her friends after work she would come home to him and they would spend the evening together. He had worried his jealous streak would be an issue there but nothing ever really happened. Something about the way she looked at him when they were together or when he would ‘bump’ into her while she was with friends put those worries to bed. Most nights they spent curled up naked skin against skin in her bed. She had confessed it felt better to fall asleep with his hand between her legs and he wasnt about to complain.

The first time anyone mentioned taking their sleep play further was when she brought it up. She voiced the things he was still afraid to. About wanting to be fucked while unawares and wondering how he felt about trying it. Of course he knew exactly how he felt about it. They soon realised that the trouble was that she kept waking up. No matter how careful he was there was just some things she couldn’t sleep though. He considered reverting back to old vices but the thought of hurting her sickened him so he pushed it aside.

Then she came home with sleeping pills.

She was nervous about telling him but he became so excited about his devious girl that he couldn’t help but reward her by tying her down to the bed and eating her sweet cunt until she begged for him to stop. It was one of her favourites.

They set up a webcam the night before her day off and she took the pills a little earlier than she would have had this been a normal night. She fell asleep safely in his arms listening to max tell her how good she was and how proud he was of her, how well he was going to take care of her.

He waited until she had been asleep long enough for the drugs to take effect before stripping the covers back in one fluid motion. Well aware of the camera pointed at him he began slowly, imagining her watching this later. He started at her feet. Kissing and caresssing the skin with his beard, gently suckling on her toes before moving up her legs.

Bypassing her cunt he sucks soft bruises into her hip bones knowing how she would be writhing underneath him if she was awake. He moves up her waist kissing the skin reaching up to cup her breasts before suckling on her nipples, indulging himself for so much longer than he would otherwise. He gazes up to her peaceful face and simply has to touch his cock at the sight of her being completely unaware of his actions.

He stops long enough to pull her legs apart and swipes his finger gently along her slit groaning as he rubs her juices over his cock. Shes completely at his mercy. Willingly giving him her body to do with what he pleases. Trusting him to take care of her in the most vulnerable state she’ll ever be in. It gives him a rush so heedy he cant quite believe his luck.

While groping her breast he slides down in between her legs and takes a deep breath in, smelling her wet cunt. His hips rut into the mattess of their own accord giving his cock the friction he craves. He isnt going to rush this though. Slowly he starts lapping at her pussy. Exploring more thoroughly than he ever had before.

Feeling his self control slip slightky he sets about making her orgasm. Its one of his favourite things to do while shes asleep. Something for him that she cant give, something he has to take. Pressing his fingers into her cunt as it slowly swells with unknown need, he toys with her clit, relishing the taste as her body draws tighter and tighter until she quakes and shudders, pulsing against him - but this time he doesnt stop.

He fucks her harder or his hand and quickens his mouth, sucking and flicking her swollen clit until she shudders once more, harder this time. He feels drunk on the power he has as he plays her body like a fiddle with his will.

Her juices ooze on his hand and as he carefully withdraws his hand to coat his dick in her cum he returns to her nipples, gently nipping and sucking the hard teats. He loves her. He isnt sure how much that says about him as he comes to the conclusion while about to fuck her motionless body but he does and he feels it so completely that as he strokes the tip of his cock against her folds he can’t help but confess it out into the quiet air.

Slipping into her pussy feels like coming home. Hes gentle, careful to go slow enough to allow her body to adjust, the orgasms helping to lube the way. He isnt going to last long, he knows that much, but this is more than he had ever dreamed would happen to him in his life and hes more than excited about it. He slowly picks up the pace, her tight walls milking his cock so well its almost too much.

Watching her sleeping face, he kisses her mouth, slipping his tongue inside and it tips him over the edge. He floods her pussy with his warm cum and for several long moments he stays there inside her, worshiping her body with his mouth as he comes down from his high.

When he does pull out of her, he watches his cum slowly drip from her hole onto the mattress and hopes that some of it stays inside for her to feel in the morning.

They watch the video of his playtime the next day and she loves it so much she's desperate to feel him inside her while she can remember.

Life for max seems to only get better from there. They fall into some kind of routine and most of the time its all very domestic. He never thought he would ever have such a thing with someone but there he is, cooking dinner for them both for when she gets in fron work and shes picking up a movie for them to watch on the way home.

Home. He couldn't really say he lived in his apartment anymore it was more like storage for the things he didn't need often. Home was here with her. He liked that.

At first he thought her just needed to find someone to fulfil his sexual needs but he realised it was so much more than that. He just didnt realise it until she was there. Everything else seemed to balance out. Even August had commented on the change in him. Maybe her would finally be proud of him, maybe not but it didnt matter.

Hearing the door click shut in the hallway max smiled as he continued to chop the vegetables. Gentle hands wound their way around his torso as his girl pressed kisses against his back. Turning on the spot to face her he couldn't help but admire this woman who had brought ship much love and acceptance into his life. He could only hope that he could do as much for her as she does for him. Hearing her quietly tell him how much she loves him as he bends slightly to kiss her, he can only trust that he does.

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.