#eat your veggies so you can grow strong as tenten

[missmetus]

[artlessictoan]

ok so I was very bored at work today so while I was staring into the mixer waiting for the Fucking Mash to be done instead of contemplating death and the emptiness of human existence I thought about an old post of mine bc it was the most valid take I’ve ever had and it did not get the appreciation it deserved and I’ve had even more thoughts about it since so without any further ado, the Naruto Celebrity Chef AU That I Will Never Write:

sakura is basically gordon ramsay, she constantly swears and has zero patience for fools but is actually a very kind and understanding person and knows her shit when it comes to turning a failing restaurant around, her cooking style is classic haute cuisine, but she’s not pretentious about it

naruto is one of those really cheerful and friendly chefs, he likes to experiment and banter and make jokes and his shows keep in mistakes and bloopers, he’s the kind of guy you’d just want to watch even if you don’t cook, his food is homely, quick and easy to make

hinata is a baker, her show is all about cute and pretty cakes and biscuits and pastries, the kind of stuff you’d see in some fancy boutique bakery, but she still somehow makes it all look easy, her cakes are delicate and traditional (though she’s not afraid to mix it up with some more out-there flavours)

kiba and shino are co-hosts of a survivalist cooking show, kiba is the one who nearly kills himself every episode bc he wants to try the deadly poisonous mushroom, shino is the one who actually knows his shit and delights in going into gruesome detail about how horrific the death from eating said mushrooms would be. despite being mostly a comedy show the food they cook is actually quite good and they do give useful survival tips

ino’s show is half cooking and half gardening, each episode focuses on one fruit/veggie and she talks about how to plant it, care for it, growing conditions, different types and then she makes a few dishes with that ingredient as the star, her entire aesthetic has strong Garden Lesbian vibes

chouji has one of those travel cooking shows, he goes to various places all over the world to learn about local cuisine and try out cooking suna-style/kumo-style/etc dishes. basically everyone agrees that he’s an absolute joy to watch bc he’s just so passionate about trying new things while being super respectful of the culture they come from

shikamaru is literally this guy.

team gai are all on a healthy eating show, gai comes up with a ridiculous health challenge every week (like.. make a three-course dinner where kale is the main component in each dish) and lee tenten and neji all compete to accomplish it, with varying degrees of enthusiasm. no one is quite sure what a member of the highly-esteemed hyuuga culinary family is doing there but he has rejected all invitations to join higher-brow shows so he must be happy enough

gaara is a very direct and specific chef, he tells you exactly how much and how long to cook it and what temp, without any faffing about or charisma, he regularly gives tips on the very basics of cooking too (like general knife skills, how to tell when your pan is the right heat, etc) he’s the chef you watch if you’re a novice who actually wants to learn something, his style is everyday, but heavily influenced by traditional sunan cooking. bc of his utterly deadpan delivery he somehow ends up as a meme on the ninja-net and develops a huge fan-base, he doesn’t know how or why it happened but he’s absolutely ready to blame kankuro for it.

kankuro is…… heston blumenthal. just.. heston blumenthal. he does weird experimental shit that no one would ever be able to cook at home and no one would ever want to eat, but he’s funny and he can make some very good food despite all the theatrics so he’s pretty popular

temari was on a cheesy cooking game show once (after losing a bet to kank), despite being an absolutely horrendous chef and starting several fires she still got to the quarter finals bc she was such an entertaining mess to watch.

sasuke has an entire youtube channel where he just makes those ‘cooking with depression’ videos