#emil mostly out of inertia. zan because she deeply and genuinely believes in her own right to exist
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[puts my characters in absolutely horrid situations to make myself explain to myself how they wouldn't kill themselves about it]
#the alex#emil is massive example of this#but zan is shaping up to also be#if i knew i'd done so much awful shit that i had no hope of ever making up for it i would simply kill myself about it!#but emil doesn't! zan doesn't!#emil mostly out of inertia. zan because she deeply and genuinely believes in her own right to exist#a****ion is also this a little bit but for him it makes more immediate emotional sense to me because we're very different#i deeply admire his ability to put the blame SQUARELY where it belongs and get deeply pissed off about everything#his anger is very protective for him. and destructive in other ways but first and foremost protective#it turns the drive to destruction outward instead of inward
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