#energy to talk to anyone and when you feel kinda unsatisfied and disappointed with life

[snowflake-sage]

[theracingengine]

The Undeniable Importance of Complete and Utter Self-Dissection, Self-Destruction, Recreation, Re-connection, Jo-jo Potatoes, Whiskey, and Wait, What Were We Talking About?

Hi, how are you? That’s nice. I think it’s nice, I’m making it up because I’m just trying to put some words on the screen to get this thing started. First lines are always the hardest for me, and I’m the most critical of them. I tell them they are either too fluffy, or too pretentious, and they pretty much never talk back. Unless I’m in a really bad place, then everything talks back.

I’m not in a bad place.

I’m emotionally down to the bone though, so that’s nice.

That doesn’t mean I’m in a bad place, mostly it means I’m growing. Growing sucks, right? It’s mostly not some soft and easy pleasant experience so far. It’s being eviscerated, examined, then put back together, at which time you need to figure out how to walk again. Yeah, let’s go with the medical thing, that’s a nice frame for this. This is going to go off the rails a bit. Perfect.

 Patient: Alexander Ian Fuchs or Fox (Unclear. Patient only clarified with “it depends on if it will end up in the newspaper).

 Full Examination of Patient, Beginning With Feet:

 Patient claims feet are restless, causing an inability to sit down for more than a few seconds. Upon closer inspection, feet seem to move on their own, drifting away from all emotions that may be trying to creep up on patient. Very prevalent at work, where he is incredibly unsatisfied, underpaid, slightly (more than slightly) shameful, and is mostly a place that is “safe” in theory but likely causing massive mental harm. Feet are trying constantly to leave this work environment, but patient has instead stood for hours and wandered aimlessly in a lonely basement, battling the feet for eight years, causing massive need-to-get-the-fuck-out swelling in the legs, culminating in a recent bought with torn pants. Patients “junk” was visible for a moment.

We will be administering a strict regime of “Work on your resume,” “apply for jobs,” and “your partner will help, this is what she does for work.” We expect a full recovery, with the possibility of pride, and a sense of purpose beyond survival.

 Examination of the Arms:

 Patient has been working out a lot. Good job patient. A mix of needing a place to pour excess energy, a desire to feel strong, the awe of how the body can be shaped, some insecurity, but also personal enjoyment of “feeling sexy” in a way men are rarely allowed to feel, has kept patient in the gym. When questioned about “feeling sexy,” patient turned red out of complete embarrassment, and began stuttering out a response, something along the lines of “hey, well, it’s, listen. Guys can, we can, it’s okay, we can, I can feel that too, or something.” Patient may be speaking to the idea that men may be able to feel ties to sexuality beyond what is usually considered some primal need to fuck everyone and everything.

When asked about the concept of insecurity, patient laughed, examiner laughed, someone down the hall also laughed, because no shit.

When asked about strength, patient was fairly clear. Old injuries had been causing him pain, this aided in their relief. Somewhat recent verbal altercations had also left patient with a desire to have some strength and “feel strong.”

Just before examiner moved on, patient also quietly explained that if he were to put his arms around his long term partner, or anyone else who may want/need it, he wanted to make sure they knew “he would hold them as tight and close as they needed.” Patient seemed to wait a moment for examiners reaction to that, possibly expecting to be derided. Examiner didn’t have much to say about it really.

 Examination of the Torso:

 Patient had complained of feeling that just below his sternum was collapsing in on itself, causing his entire body to constrict, like a tiny black hole had opened up, sucking in everything, or trying to anyway. Patient indeed did look shorter, his back arched slightly, his pounding heartbeat clearly visible, working against whatever was inside chest cavity.

Patient reported that drugs, alcohol, video games, screaming into car dashboard, books, extra exercising, and weird dances, all had little to no effect. But were fun.

Upon closer inspection, examiner found that what patient to believe was a void, was in fact a storage container for every emotional built up and unexpressed over the course of three decades, as well as normal emotional growth for a healthy person, which is incredibly hard to go through, because life and love and emotions and desires are painful at times and a lot to go through but we all have to.

Patient asked examiner asked if chest storage container could be lanced, and examiner informed patient that “no, you kinda have to go through this shit, or fall apart and destroy everything around you.” Patient understood, already knowing that would be the answer. Examiner did notice that for a moment patient was going to subconsciously attempt to place all emotional baggage and troubles on other objects and people, all in unhealthy and destructive ways, expecting those people especially, to fulfill those needs that can’t actually be fixed by anyone else. This moment passed and patient thought better of it. We believe a previous therapy session was to thank for this.

In attempting an on the spot cure, patients long term partner was brought into examination room. Unprompted, she began to explain the concept of sadness to patient. Patient had previously expressed being “bummed,” or “disappointed,” or feeling “rage, anger, fury, or guilt.” Patient had a good handle on downside emotions that men are allowed to feel openly, yet sadness itself was elusive, as needed to function in an early 90s society of which patient was raised. Patient’s partner then held patient, and left emotional room for patient to express said sadness, which erupted from patient’s chest storage container in heaving sobs. Patient was then measured for height, having gained a full foot as chest storage container ceased it’s constriction.

 Examination of Genitals:

 Patient insisted, examiner repeated it was unnecessary.    

 Examination of Head:

 Patient was moved to a local warehouse facility in order to leave room for the opening of the patients skull. A full medical team, as well as three containment crews were placed outside as a safeguard. Lockdown protocols were explained, and re-explained. All this, as it turned out, was completely necessary.

Having worked hard for two years, the interior of the patients skull were in fact completely normal. A proper mix of joy, and sadness, and rage, and lust, and loss, and confusion, and grief and strength were all present. Examiner was able to document:

 Gratitude and anger at all the changes and good things.

Grief: for this father, who is alive, but most likely will pass unhappy. Grief: for a lot of things really, patient never got to grieve at things that are still around.

Sadness. The effects of learning to be sad, still prevalent. Patient reported how good it felt to be cleanly sad. How amazing feelings were all around. How scary they were, and then how scary they weren’t. How he could see everything as so much more beautiful when he realized how momentary, fleeting, and perfect it all was.

The need to be needed and desired. This area seemed to be in flux, like a bar about to go out of business. Patient seemed to act in ways that would force others to need patient, but completely remove the ability for others to grow. Patient seems to have begun abandoning this idea. Wanting to be desire still there, as this is a basic human function.

Humor. Something funny happened here, but examiner didn’t want to force the joke.

Lust and sexuality. Both can exist, neither need to be shameful, no matter what every 90s sitcom tried to tell us. You can have needs, desires, wants, the libido of a teenager and not be some deviant for saying it.

Awe, that today, patient openly and easily cried in front of therapist. She explained to patient he was just ready, and patient was, ever after two years. Patient also expressed to therapist that he wanted to be more “honest,” meaning with emotions, and those he loved, and just in the world. Therapist explained that he wasn’t dishonest, the he “just wasn’t ready.” She explained that he was a good man. Patient can believe it now.

Love.

Fear. Patient is afraid of the things he needs to do. Excited to do some of them, dreading doing others. Work, art, connection, exploration, openness, feelings, all falling into fear. Though these also all fall into love.

Examiners found a very messy deposit of expectation. It would seem patient isn’t sure of what expectations he has of life and others. Signs that this area used to be home of “demands” exists. Examiner believes this has given way to some healthy boundaries and expectations of the world around patient. Some delusions still persist.

The ability for patient to trust gut. This seems to exist in some quantum state, flitting in and out of existence. As patient trusts gut, he is able to see all the things he should be to protect himself, and to love others, while staving off projection. Patient seems to be able to tell when he’s being manipulated, even if it isn’t malicious, and in a way loving. Patient can also tell when he’s being secretly or openly loved. Sometimes this function is completely non-existent and blind anxiety takes over, leading to patient nodding head and feeling horrible.

A desire to actually show the cracks. Not to everyone, because not everyone needs to give a damn, but to those who have earned or need it.

Gratitude. It would seem there are two chambers for this.

  Examiners were able to find more, and expect to right follow up reports and post them on a blog or social media in massive tangents, because it brings patient some sort of catharsis, a hope of being seen, and a hope that someone else feels seen too.

 All in all patient is healthy. Patient isn’t always happy, isn’t always sad. Patient is full of strength, and masculine, and full of a roar, but patient is also soft, and quiet, which are strong too. Patient is learning. Patient continues, and will continue. Patient will be a better man for himself, and his partner. He will understand himself even more, which will make it easier to love others. To connect with others, truly. Patient will make a lot of mistakes, and fail beautifully. Patient will live.