#ep: our christmas decorating secrets

[virtual-mythicality]

“i got lightheaded doing that.”

[x]

[pirate-tink]

I wasn't gonna do this, I wasn't gonna write down my thoughts on the new Leverage: Redemption episodes cuz I just want to watch the show, but I can't stop thinking them, so here we go.

This is basically gonna be stream of conscious because I can't make the words right now. Thoughts on The Bucket Job below.

Levar Burton as a librarian is *chef's kiss* casting and I will accept no substitutes.

Wanting the crew to make his favorite mentor a hero for a day is such a wholesome desire, and I'm really looking forward to our crew trying to tackle that.

I love Parker and Eliot having the wrong notes on their foreheads, and Eliot trading them while looking put out about it all. It's such a small thing, but very cute.

Breanna freaking out over the old school computer in the library is really cute. I love her.

Ooo, scary intense protective Eliot! I love him.

Eliot's kinda excited about this! He had fun talking to Mr. Blanche about books! So cute!

*le gasp* Someone is taking pictures of him?!

Parker enunciating loudly into the phone for a representative is such a mood.

So many cute moments in the prepping-for-the-con montage!

Oh! My! Gosh! I am LOVING this ep! The whole con premise is just! Too! Cute! (And yes, I'll probably use cute about 12 more times before I'm done talking about this.)

Mr. Blanche is sure having a BLAST with this! And they're not even pushing it that hard, he's just buying it.

Parker is channeling Hardison sooo hard! Even the orange soda! I love it! (She misses him...)

[At this point, my mother and my sister are both texting me about unrelated things, and it's very difficult to have two conversations at once while also paying attention to a tv show.]

Oh nooo! *dying laughing* Harry?! With the trenchcoat and cane and eyepatch and mustache?! It's too much! (I love it!)

[This episode isn't even half over yet! What am I in for?!]

These are not the baddies from the van...

Can we just take a moment and appreciate that they decorated the inside of the food truck/surveillance van for Christmas? ... Thank you.

Uh oh. Oh! That's who was taking pictures of Eliot!

Wait what? Blanche is actually a spy?! No wonder he bought Eliot as a spy so easily...

Oh, them. (derogatory)

Levar Burton as a secret badass. So, art imitating life then?

Harry playing with all the spy toys and Parker having to be the responsible adult and take them away from him is the best.

Uh oh. Poor Eliot. Can I hug him? He needs a hug... (can we get Parker and Hardison in for a hug please?)

Yes! So many much good fighting in this ep!

Eliot's unwavering belief and trust in Parker is everything.

Yeah, Parker "bought" that dress with the five-finger discount. Sophie does look absolutely stunning in it though.

Sophie is... not happy that Harry's been keeping secrets from them... many secrets...

Christian is such a phenomenal, nuanced actor.

Blanche! He did say the hero has to die in the end... but...!

Oh, the bullet hit the floppy. It's gonna be fake. And... yep!

Aww! Wholesome moment between Eliot and Blanche! Eliot made him feel like a hero, con completed after all! And I knew they were gonna end up with the ledger. They have a new list of bad guys to hunt!

Aww, Hardison sent library kid? So cute! (He misses them too.)

There's no way Breanna didn't get any useable info off that disc. No. Way.

Oh, poor Eliot... (He! Needs! A! Hug!)

Beth did so great directing! I'm so proud of her!

[the-woundupbird]

Hello Dracula Recap 1/4

Okay I will try to organize all my translations and thoughts about the drama into this post so that I can stop info-dumping on my poor friend who has kindly let me go on and on about the show. I’ll post some links to videos so you can watch and understand as I go on with my review/thought dump. 

Essentially it’s three different stories nested into one but the central story is about Anna, an elementary school teacher who has been hiding her 8 year relationship with her girlfriend Sojung from her mother.  The relationship between Anna and her mother is the central source of conflict in the show, more so then the emotional fallout that happens when Sojung breaks up with Anna.

Personally I think the show had if not at least a lesbian writer than some queer women in charge of shaping the show.  People were saying on twitter that it felt too real, almost like a documentary of the painful reality for so many closeted women in South Korea.  To be honest, even as a Korean American I saw so much of my mother and my own relationship with her with regards to my sexuality in the exchanges Anna had with her mother.  

The show begins with Anna and her mother, shaping the major relationship with the show.  Her mother teases her that her face looks bloated and that men care about women’s skin.  Anna straightforwardly says she doesn’t like men and her mother tries to laugh it off but there’s a heaviness to the exchange that is examined later.

In the next scene Anna is at school working as an elementary school teacher.  During break she keeps checking her phone, even contemplating texting the recipient, “Are you busy?”  I was able to pause the show and read some of the earlier messages Anna had sent this person who is revealed to be her girlfriend Sojung and yikes:

Ah… Food? 

You ate and you’re working, right?

 It seems like you’re sleeping. 

Good night.

Busy? I saw you didn’t respond so I’m worried are you sick?

 Okay, I understand. Did you get home? You must be so tired. Get some rest. Sleep well. Did you sleep well?

Anna is stressed because her girlfriend is blowing her off pretty blatantly.  As someone who’s dated in Korea it’s mandatory to be texting every day and even do a phone call.  The level of hands off-ness is a cause for major concern from Anna.  Especially with her girlfriend of 8 years.

When Anna goes to a dinner with her co-workers from school she finally gets a text from Sojung: I have something to tell you.

Anna picks up the phone in an instant and zooms out of the room, ignoring the guy across from her who I totally think was flirting. 

The conversation with Sojung is painful in that it is so evident that Sojung is pulling away and Anna is holding on. 

“It’s me.”

It’s noisy.  Are you outside?

“Yeah I’m at a company dinner.”

Let’s talk later, then.

“No now is fine… I feel like lately I’m the only one chasing after you… I’m the only one trying to hear your voice.”

Did you drink a lot?

“What? No I didn’t drink.”

We said we were gonna meet on Saturday, right? I don’t think I can meet.  Sorry. 

“We haven’t met in almost a month.”

I’m sorry. 

“Why? Why can’t you?”

I’m doing a blind date. My mom is making me.

“With a guy?”

Of course.  With a guy.

“You’re not even gonna lie?”

Anna-ya. I don’t want to hide anymore. 

“Can’t you just lie?”

Let’s talk again tomorrow.

“Sojung-ah!”

Talk to you tomorrow.

And then Anna runs off to chase after her girl, even going to her girlfriend’s house. Quick comment her girlfriend definitely seems well-off.  It sort of makes me wonder how the two of them met.  One person on twitter was musing that maybe instead of being a cc or college couple they met through volunteering and fell in love that way.  Regardless the contrast from an apartment to a house intrigues me because there’s definitely a difference in socio-economic class here.  But I digress.

Anna grabs her phone, after hesitating to rush into Sojung’s house. 

I’m outside your house.  Come down for a sec.

Let’s talk when you’ve calmed down.

Also my parents are home right now.

It can be just for a little.  

Just show me your face.

But Sojung refuses and you have the image of Anna trudging back home.  She sees her mother hugging some man and even though she calls her mother, her call is put on silent and she storms off to go sob at the bus station in frustration.  I want to focus more on Anna but it’s important to note here that her mother sort of chases after men a lot but can’t seem to settle down which is a point of stress for Anna. 

Growing up, Anna struggled to pretend to be happy for her mother meeting new guys and feeling sort of neglected as a result.  All the while Anna puts on a brave face for her mom’s happiness because when she was little Anna’s mother had held her close and whispered “I don’t need anything but Anna. You’re the most precious thing to me.”  The loving words were both a deep compliment but also an unbearable weight on Anna.  It was something that she felt like she had to live by.

This burden only gets worse when Anna was in middle school and was caught presumably kissing or hooking up with her girl friend and got dragged by her gf’s mother to a Catholic church to repent.  

When Anna’s mother is able to pull her out of the church she tells her about how when she was young she also was super obsessed with a girl and she even wrote her letters and followed her around.  “It’ll pass,” she tells Anna. “You’re just young.  Remember when you liked that guy next door? You said you wanted to marry him! So that’s why I’m not even a little worried.”

“But what if it doesn’t pass? What if I stay like this forever?” Anna whispers, staring right at her mother. 

And a world of painful silence is Anna’s answer as her mother just walks away from the question, attempting to forget that the encounter ever happened.  

It flashes forward to high school Anna just watching her mother find a new man and she begins down a journey of hiding her true self to keep things safe for her mother. 

But then things come to a head when Sojung sends Anna a text to break off their relationship:

Actually I’ve been going through a lot lately. Our relationship isn’t like what it used to be. Anna-ya, I don’t want to hurt my parents.  I can’t win.  I can’t throw it away. Let’s end it like this. Thanks for everything. I’ll send your things to you through the mail. It’d be good if you did that too.

Ignoring how that’s probably the coldest thing I’ve ever witnessed in the history of breakups, Anna wonders to herself, will I be okay like this? Later on in episode 2 I think I understand better why Sojung did this but I’ll share my thoughts on the second ep review.

Anna comes home after that devastating day of having her girlfriend of 8 YEARS break up with her to her mother misunderstanding Anna as being upset with her, setting up a ton of Christmas decorations. 

“It’s nice right? My kind daughter, what’s wrong? I don’t like when you’re like this.”

“It’s pretty.” (Yikes at Anna pretending like she isn’t absolutely gutted for the benefit of her mother as per usual in the dynamic)

“I’m going to head in.”

“Are you still mad? You should tell your mom.”

“I’m going to head in.”

“You ah, you were like this when you were little. You were always sulking after it’d all passed.”

“Mom.”

“Isn’t it better to just say it right away and let it all out?”

“Mom.”

“I did this all for you to see! You said you wanted a tree when you were little.”

“Mom, when I was little, when? When I was little, when? And what passed? Nothing’s changed!”

“What didn’t pass?”

… “Christmas didn’t pass.  I’m so tired today.” 

And Anna closes the door and leaves her mother to stare at a picture of her and her daughter together under a Christmas tree.  Personally here I adore the dynamic of Anna just almost barely teasing at the secret the two of them know, her sexuality. But her mother doesn’t quite push her because she’s a little afraid to know.  I’ve had a similar conversation with my own mother and that line between ambiguous and crystal clear is so much harder to parse out than people think.

Anyway I’ll continue this if you guys want but hopefully you like the translation and commentary. Let me know in the replies or my messages if you’d like me to just do straight translation with the clips or continue this style!

[castlefanfics]

Making a list...of Christmas fanfic

Pegship here, minding the store for Alex! Here’s a master list of all the Castle Christmas fic recs from this blog, as well as some more recent works from AO3 and FFNet. Enjoy.

25 Years of Christmas by Cassie Bones

7x10 beckett angry at castle for looking at the strippers by bravevulnerability

7x10 post ep comfort by bravevulnerability

Absolution by KyinHI

Advent Adventures by MustBeAWriter, chapter 15

Advent by chezchuckles

Advent again by chezchuckles

All I want for Christmas by coliemackenzie

All I Want For Christmas by ipreferwestside

All I want for Christmas by nikkifuego

all is calm, all is bright by airbefore

all the shops are closed but we wanted to see the christmas lights by bravevulnerability

All the Songs Make Sense by EllaNight 

All you need is some Castle cheer by Griever11

And the meek shall inherit the Earth by Dana Keylits

And to Us a Good Night by Trinity Everett  

Arcadia by seilleanmor

Avoiding the Mistletoe by Charlie O’Kelley

Baby’s First Christmas by Liv Wilder

Believing Is Seeing by bravevulnerability

Best Christmas Eve ever by Minstrel64

The box in the corner by oliviet

Brave the Magic by chezchuckles

busking on the street by bravevulnerability

Candy cane kisses! by kimmiesjoy

Caroling out in the Snow by soprano193

carry you to me by airbefore (incomplete)

Case, not-home, warm by bravevulnerability

Caskett's kid figures out the "secret" about Santa at a really young age by thewalkingcaskett 

A Castle Christmas special by chezchuckles

Christmas at the Twelfth by tvfanatic/oliviet

A Christmas bet by blue252

Christmas cheer by whatarushh

A Christmas gift by ellanight/zcaskett

Christmas: Impossible by polly_lynn

Christmas is all in the Heart  by encantadaa

christmas light competition by bravevulnerability

Christmas light competition by bogikk

Christmas Morning by live0laugh0love0

Christmas ornaments by oliviet

christmas pick up lines at a pub by bravevulnerability

Christmas pick up lines at a pub by bogikk/sanumarox (also on castlefanfics)

Christmas Spirit by Trapped in a MatchBox

christmas sweaters on the bus by bravevulnerability

Christmas sweaters on the bus by bogikk

Christmas with kids by bravevulnerability

Cookies and cream by kimmiesjoy

Cooking Up Christmas by Garrae  Do You See What I See? by changinlndscape

Eggnog is gross by bravevulnerability

Elephant Present by hallow777

Elevator serenade by bravevulnerability (“santa baby”)

Endure All Things by seilleanmor

FAE: The Holiday Collection, chapter 3 by Oliviet

Feel again by coliemackenzie

Find Our Way Home by bravevulnerability

finding a christmas candle for my mother by bravevulnerability

first snow by ifonly13

Firsts by berkielynn

Five years in the life by caffinate-me

Florist AU by dancingontiptoes

Fluff by International08

From the Corner Store by Trinity Everett

Ghost of Christmas past by InkyCoffee

The Gift by lms2457

The Glow of Morning by Trinity Everett (also on ffnet)

God rest ye by Polly_Lynn

Haikusday by beatingoutasamba

Happy holidays by sanumarox123

Have yourself a merry little Christmas by liviafan1

The heart of this Christmas by berkielynn

Here with you by dmarx

high school christmas production by bravevulnerability

Home for the Holidays by whatifellinlovewith

Hope for the night by sorde

The Hopeful Lights of Winter by lms2457

Hospital Christmas Eve by bravevulnerability

Hot chocolate on Christmas Eve by acoldcomfort/faithsette

i can’t reach the christmas decorations by bravevulnerability

I Do Believe by YahLiz

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by sanumarox123

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by tombombadillo

I was your Secret Santa at work by bogikk

If the fates allow by airbefore

I’ll give you the moon by ifonly13

in a string of lights by faithsette

In the end by bravevulnerability

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by AllusiontoanIllusion

I’ll Be Home For Christmas by Lur27

I’ll Be Home For Christmas by shadoweddawn

Jellybean situations by Natalie Elizabeth

Kaamos by Trinxy

Kate miscarries before she tells Castle she’s pregnant by tvfanatic

Kate shopping for Christmas lingerie by leopoldjamesfitz/katecastle

keep yourself warm by bravevulnerability

Lasso the Moon by morgangirl11

last customer on christmas eve by bravevulnerability

The Life of Sound by acertainzest 

light lanterns by concreteskies

Links by caffinate-me

A little bit more by muppet47

Living Out in the Snow by seilleanmor

The loft smells of pine by tvfanatic

Lost in my mind by sorde

Love in Action by airbefore   

Love in Action by Trinity Everett 

Love is the Greatest Gift by ilovetoread09

Love story by encantadaa

Lully, lullay by International08

Melted Marshmallow Hearts by Trinity Everett

Merry Christmas Castle by GameOn

Mistletoe by klscastle

Mistletoe and arch-nemesis by cassiebones

Mistletoe fever by stevieLUVSalex

Moving forward by Imdoingthiswhy

My true love gave to me by naybaybay

Nativity by SongofJoy

Naughty and nice: Castle Advent calendar by coliemackenzie

Naughty or nice? by Garrae

Near Light by bravevulnerability   

Neon skates by ifonly13

A new normal by Ibelieveyouliar

New traditions by surrendersomething

The night before Christmas by quietlyimplode

A night in Terminal C by ifonly13

Not here with me by ifonly13

Paris à Noël- Let Your Heart Be Light by Brookemopolitan

O, a Christmas Tree by WRTRD

Once upon a time by shimmeryshine

only one book left in the sale by bravevulnerability

Operation Mistletoe by concreteskies

Our Christmas List by katieupatree

out of date chocolate in the secret santa by bravevulnerability

pantomime by bravevulnerability

Peace and Joy by skygirl55

photo fic in the hamptons by bravevulnerability

photo prompt by bravevulnerability

Piece together by chezchuckles

A pocket full of problems and a pocket full of seeds by ifonly13

Reminiscence by ephemeral lunatic

Resplendent by blue252

Right Within Your Heart by Trinity Everett  

Santa Baby by Liv Wilder

santa’s elves by bravevulnerability

Santa’s magic by googie

Seventh wheels by dancingontiptoes/concreteskies

Silent night by Piper Maru Duchovny

Silent Night, Ferret Night by Polly Lynn

Silver and Gold by chezchuckles

Snow Days by caffinate-me

Snow injury AU by bravevulnerability

speech that is new by sorde

Straight on ‘til morning by ekc293

Starting Early by AlwaysCastle

State of Grace by bravevulnerability

These Are Special Times by allylobster

This Christmastide by Cora Clavia

Three sizes too small by Kavi Leighanna

A Time For Family by l03l

Traditions by softer

Twelve days of Caskett by kimmiesjoy

Two Lonely Souls by crossroadswrite

Under the mistletoe by bravevulnerability

Under the tree by madsthenerdygirl

Under the tree by midnightread

A very Castle Christmas by drinkingcastleskoolaid

A Very Castle Christmas Eve by Minstrel164

What’s In A Name by Garrae

When the Thames froze by katieupatree

Window of My Mind by The-KLF

Wine and Mistletoe by acertainzest

Winter Streets by adorkable.elephants

Wintersong by chezchuckles

Wishes by Kate Christie

Added by Peg:

All wrapped up by WRTRD

Always by Alexis Dawn

Bah, humbug! by Garrae

Breakfast in bed by Netsrik1

The Caskett capers by docnerd89

A Caskett Carol by ucsbdad

Caskett eve by AlwayswatchingCastle

Change in realities by bravevulnerability

Choreographing Christmas by Garrae

Christmas for the ages by chezchuckles

The Christmas guy by The-KLF

The Christmas project by skygirl55

Christmas train by djinni14

Come home for Christmas by pegship

Falling into Christmas by caffinate-me

The first of forever by ipreferwestside

Fowl Play by skygirl55

From ashes to snow by whatifellinlovewith

The heart of Christmas by Caskettlove77

Holidays in your heart by whatifellinlovewith

Home for Christmas by ipreferwestside

I know places we can go by liviafan1

If only in my dreams by ALovedOne

In the spirit by bravevulnerability

It’s only just begun by skygirl55

Let your heart be light by evitascarlett

Making merry by acertainzest

Merry Christmas Castle baby by DisneyCastleFriends18

Merry molting Christmas by WRTRD

Mrs Claus by The-KLF

Old Saint Rick by The-KLF

The only way by shutupandpull

Peace & joy: Christmas special by skygirl55

Peppermint bliss 2 by evitascarlett

Peppermint bliss by evitascarlett

Peppermint tea by skygirl55

Santa emergency by wendykw

Simple requests by faithsette

A single dream come true by seilleanmor

Spirits by chezchuckles

Tell me something by sorde

This is only a test by shutupandpull

Tis the season by ilovetoread09

Tis the season by skygirl55

To face unafraid by acertainzest

To old friends by julimay

Twas the night before Christmas by sweetytweety8

Velsigne, Heimr Àrnadalr by thenameisdenise

What to my wondering eyes should appear by acertainzest

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

All weird asks!! They're so good!

Sorry this is a bit late, babe! I wanted to wait til I had the opportunity to answer all these uninterrupted!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! tbh I drink tea out of coffee mugs because who actually uses teacups? I mean my grandma has tons and I would use them, but the handles are so tiny and I am v clumsy so it scares me.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars!!! I’m too impatient for lollipops and plus they always get coated in saliva which just...drips down my chin since my mouth is already full.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum! I love cotton candy but I can only handle a bit at a time tbh. Also I haven’t had bubblegum in almost two years bc of braces and I miss it so much I can’t wait to have it again.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Okay, so even though I’ve always been homeschooled, when I was in elementary school we did this program with a ton of other homeschoolers where you could take actual classes and stuff. My teachers always said I was quiet and focused and studious, and you could always count on me to be lecturing everyone else on the instructions if they hadn’t been paying attention. (does any of that surprise anyone?)

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? GLASS SODA BOTTLES. nothing beats soda that’s been bottled in glass rather than plastic. You ever had orange cream soda from a glass bottle????? SLAPS ASS MY DUDE.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel/boho/preppy/goth, my dude. I have so many sides to my fashion and aesthetic.

7. earbuds or headphones?

EARBUDS BC HEADPHONES NEVER FIT OVER MY EARS RIGHT. BUT EARBUDS WITH SOFT TIPS BECAUSE MY EARS ARE TOO SMALL FOR THE PLASTIC ONES.

8. movies or tv shows?

Tv shows tbh because even though I can binge 4 eps of 45 minutes each per night, they’ll hold my attention a lot more than a movie. It’s weird.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Thunderstorms/petrichor, also natural bogs. PEAT BOG SMELL FUCKING SLAPS.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. I liked trampoline time back when we took gymnastics, if that counts. I also liked jump roping and Irish step dancing.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Nothing lmao. I sleep til like noon and then I microwave something for lunch.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My catchall playlist, Things I Love, my summer playlist, Summer Songs, my Gryffindor playlist, My Queen And Country playlist for writing, and my playlist for The Raven Cycle. (after I post this I’ll edit it and link them)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Keyring, a lanyard would like constantly detract from my outfit if that makes sense???

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Between The Grapes Of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Handmaid’s Tale, and To Kill A Mockingbird!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Just fucking sprawled every which way.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My grey converse if it’s comfortable out, my silver flip flops if it’s hot, and my fur-lined black combat boots if it’s cold.

18. ideal weather?

65-70 degrees, partly sunny, breezy, not humid.

19. sleeping position?

I need to sprawl to fall asleep, but once I’m asleep I curl up into a little ball.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop and notebook ONLY IF I’m sure of myself, which isn’t often. But I do write dense, scribbled paragraphs on sermon note pages if something comes to me during church lmao.

21. obsession from childhood?

The American Revolution, weather, astronomy, and mysteries/ghost stories.

22. role model?

Idk tbh? Lately I’m just trying to define and live up to my own standards?

23. strange habits?

Pulling the collar of my shirt up to my mouth and sucking on it. Also being a perfectionist in my writing. I don’t do messy drafts. It’s all perfect by the time I write it, and I edit/spellcheck as I go.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst (my birthstone), bismuth, opal, and blue goldstone.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Other than nursery rhymes/kid’s songs, it was Light Up The Sky by The Afters, or California Dreamin’ by The Mamas And The Papas.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Find shade/a cool spot and read with a cold drink.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

ALSO READ. And snuggle with thick socks and a cup of tea and play DS games all day.

28. five songs to describe you?

My five faves atm -

I Am Here // Pink

The Pines // Roses and Revolutions

Soldier, Poet, King // The Oh Hellos

Traveler’s Song // Aviators

Hymn // Kesha

29. best way to bond with you?

Share my interests about politics, history, books, true crime, paranormal, tv shows, and also be kind and understanding when I don’t text for long periods bc I don’t feel up to talking.

30. places that you find sacred?

The woods on the hill behind my house. Dense, deeply green, secluded woods. Hedge mazes. Old and crumbling castles. Anywhere beneath a clear sky and a full moon. Your heart when you’ve come to terms with your fears and made peace with yourself. Anyplace with historical significance. Bookstores on an autumn/winter day. Libraries.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A kickass plaid, bruh. Also my leather jacket - once I lose enough shoulder weight to fit in it again.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre shavoc ado, the one where the dog eats the butterfly, the Lin-Manuel Miranda one where he’s brainstorming, “what the FUCK kind of weather is this, and the dad and son with the saxophone and the oven door.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“oh mood”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

“WOW! It’s NatureStone!”

35. average time you fall asleep?

Right now it’s 4-5 am because I suck.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I Can Haz Cheezburger, My mom used to look at the website with me when I was like 10.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

They both have pros and cons. :/ Duffel bags are easier to carry but suitcases keep stuff from getting broken better.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAAAAAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon meringue pie!!! my stepdad made a really good one the other week.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Nothing, since I was homeschooled. Same weird shit that always happens at home. Our safe word for when I got overwhelmed in math was “quokka” and we’d stop and look at cute quokka pictures.

41. last person you texted?

My gf :)

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets because things are not only hard to fit in girls’ pants pockets, but if you put a chapstick/lipstick in there it starts to melt :(

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

BETWEEN HOODIE AND CARDIGAN. SO VERSATILE. SO COMFY.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Irish Spring soap or the blue Dial bars smells better and cleaner than anything to me.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It can take me a bit to get into it, but once I do, I love it. I only do sci-fi if it has rebellion and isn’t heavy on the sci. And superhero movies are great but a lot of the tropes are meh. Fantasy has a lot more versatility if you ask me.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Sweatpants/leggings and a soft, well worn tee.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Parmesan, white cheddar, or Muenster.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“do no harm but take no shit.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A really poorly edited political ad on tv a couple years ago. There was weird jazz playing, flames in the background of an image of the Capitol Building, and then the top of the dome opened and this guy’s face was inside. It is the single funniest ad I have ever seen and I laughed for 10 minutes so hard I was like an inch away from passing out.

51. current stresses?

Passing my driving test next month, getting a job, figuring out if my math skills are okay enough to take the SAT or an equivalent test.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia!

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My fingernails are short bc I picked them while reading earlier, my cuticles suck bc I pick at those two, and my pinky is obliterated and scabbed because of when I accidentally sliced through the nail with a razor while shaving the other day. So, not great, but I’m living.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That kids can be really annoying but also really cute and hilarious if you can get them to calm down. And also that baby fingernails are surprisingly sharp.

55. favorite fairy tale?

The OG Princess and the Frog where it’s implied the prince and “faithful Henry,’ his carriage driver, fall in love and ride off together at the end. JACOB AND WILHELM GRIMM SAID GAY RIGHTS.

56. favorite tradition?

Every December, my mom and I drive around after dark at night and I play Pokemon and we rate everyone’s Christmas decorations based on tackiness.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

So isolated I was as a preteen/early teenager, my self harm, and the internalized anger over my abusive relationship and PTSD.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle solving, singing, and calligraphy.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Benvoli-no.” (I recently remembered I used to say that a lot and I need to bring it back)

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Dark, fairy tale anime with a lot of secrets to uncover and some dark woods.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

TV show - “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who

Movie - “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman

Book - “If you never saw the stars, candles were enough.” - The Dream Thieves, by Maggie Stiefvater

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dean Winchester - Supernatural

Sam Winchester - Supernatural

Jack Kline Winchester - Supernatural

Charlie Bradbury - Supernatural

Gansey - The Raven Cycle

Blue Sargent - The Raven Cycle

Hermione Granger - Harry Potter

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Final Song // MO

Call Home // Heathers

I Am Here // Pink

Babylon // 5 Seconds of Summer

Shake It Off // Taylor Swift

64. favorite website from your childhood?

WEBKINZ AND THE OLD AMERICAN GIRL WEBSITE

65. any permanent scars?

Yes, I have several that remain from self harm, scars all over my left knee from being a clumsy child, and most of all a major scar down the center of my chest from heart surgery when I was a baby.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Rose, lavender, lilac, and dahlia.

67. good luck charms?

Not really???

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Olives, mushrooms, radishes, cottage cheese, and ranch dressing are all foul.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Martin Luther didn’t actually nail his 95 theses to the church door, he just kind of passed them around, which is a lot less dramatic tbh. Also light-up signs were first used in New York City in 1884.

70. left or right handed?

I’m left-handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

I think zebra stripes, leopard print, and houndstooth are super ugly.

72. worst subject?

Math for sure. Even science would be easier if it didn’t involve so much math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty!!!

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think a 7, usually. My pain tolerance is pretty high because of a) years of self harm, and b) due to my PTSD my muscles are constantly tense and in pain anyway.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I was 4, and it had been loose but it fell out when I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Fries or roasted potatoes that are charred and crunchy on the bottom. Chips are a close third.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Idk, my grandma’s the one with the green thumb mania lmao. But She keeps a lot of violets and arrowhead plants in the windowsills!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

NEITHER I HATE BOTH COFFEE AND SUSHI IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school ID, but my temporary license photo is actually pretty good right now!

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

I really like earth tones for myself.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

THEY ARE THE SAME MF THING. Also I call them both, it just depends on what comes out of my mouth haha.

82. pc or console?

PC, I guess, though I don’t really game. I just watch my stepdad game.

83. writing or drawing?

WRITING. I cannot draw to save my life.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so annoying.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, although I loved both.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology I guess??? Although again, I love both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

COOKIESSSSS

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, losing people I love, people secretly hating me. Also drowning, spiders, clowns, and guns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and work in a library/museum.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom and my gf.

90. luckiest mistake?

Almost dropping a knife blade first on my foot but it landed between my toes.

91. boxes or bags?

um boxes I guess? I’m really good at fitting things in tetris style.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FAIRY LIGHTS AND DIM YELLOW LAMPS.

93. nicknames?

Ell, Alexander, Ellie, Little Lion, and Nerd.

94. favorite season?

FALL FALL FALL FALL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr or Spotify. Two apps I couldn’t live without.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

About a half dozen. Mine, my mom’s, my stepdad’s, my grandparents’ home number, my grandpa’s, and my grandma’s.

98. favorite historical era?

Both the American Revolutionary period and the Victorian Era (esp in Britain)

THANK YOU LOVE THIS WAS SUPER FUN

[cynicalrainbows]

The Taste of Meringue

The Cynthia/Trixie closure we all needed after the most recent ep- a celebration of their wonderful friendship.

When she first meets Trixie, she's damp and breathless after carrying two suitcases all the way from the station in a depressing mid-May drizzle; Trixie is Lily-of-the-Valley perfume in the bedroom they are to share, a jangle of bracelets and a cherry red cupids bow being drawn onto an already perfect face in the mirror over the shared dressing table.

She has never shared a bedroom with another woman before, with anyone before, aside of course from her and her brothers childhood bedroom at the top of house- the scuffed blue skirting board, the mark on the carpet where she had trodden on her prized fountain pen at the age of eleven, the place where Michael had pulled back a corner of the wallpaper when he was nine so that they could leave a 'secret message' to the next children to live in the house - but that doesn't bother her too much.

She knew all along that she'd most likely be in shared accommodation and one room-mate is certainly preferable to two or three.

On the train, she had worried a little about being unwelcomely thrust onto someone who would have preferred their own space- but now her fear- sharper- is that this girl- Trixie, she had been told by Sister Julienne who had welcomed her- will merely not want to share with her, that she will find Cynthia dull.

How could she fail to be otherwise, beside this bright, curled and manicured apparition?

But when the girl- Trixie- turns from the mirror, her face is bright and sincere.

'Hello! I'm Beatrix- but people call me Trixie. And you must be Cynthia?'

'Yes.' Then, because she needs something else to say, 'I like your lipstick- I think my Aunt has the same kind.'

It's the right thing to say.

'Isn't it lovely! Cherry red. I needed some courage for my first day.'

She says it so casually- if she genuinely is nervous, she's hiding it well.

Cynthia wonders if she will ever be brave enough, bold enough, to admit her own fear so lightly rather than trying to mask it in anxious smiles and awkward small talk.

Trixie mistakes her silence for disbelief and laughs a little, self consciously.

'It's silly, I know. But I've always thought putting on lipstick feels a bit like putting on your battle armour, myself, and-'

A chiming from the hallway below cuts her off, alerting them both to the fact that it is now one o'clock.

'I believe our presence is required in the dining room for introductions.' She starts to cap the lipstick and then pauses, offering it to Cynthia.

'A little courage? Courtesy of Coco Chanel?'

She shakes her head- she's never even worn lipstick before, she knows she'll make a fool of herself putting it on if she tries now, and she can tell, even with her inexperienced eye, that the shade is far, far too bright for her mousey paleness- and then worries she may have offended....but Trixie smiles as she returns the tube to the dressing table, already strewn with cosmetics.

'I didn't think so-' She has to check Trixie's face to be sure she isn't mocking her '-you look like you can be brave on your own.'

No one has ever called her brave before.

*

There are meringues to welcome them on the tea table- another first for her, but evidently not for Trixie who is delighted and announces that they are her favourite.

When, four months later- four months of long evenings making frantic notes, of late night cramming sessions, of blood, sweat and tears (not exclusively belonging to the mothers they tend to)- Trixie accidently lets slip that it's her birthday the next day, Cynthia knows her well enough not to press her with questions (Why don't you write home? Why are all your letters from friends and never from family?) and decides not to mention it to the Sisters.

Well meaning, she knows they would doubtless lay on a birthday tea even at the short notice, that a cake would be found, even candles, maybe even a gift and a card or two.... and she knows too that Trixie, for whatever reason, must not want these things.

She doesn't even say anything to Trixie, but she can't quite bear to let a birthday go entirely unmarked.

She buys the meringues with her own money and puts them quietly on the tea table, to the delight of the Sisters and the surprise of Trixie- there's a moment of panic in her eyes that Trixie can see even at the other end of the table, a quick dart of the eyes as she looks anxiously for coloured envelopes and parcels- but Cynthia is calm as she tells Sister Julienne that she just felt they all deserved a treat, and sends Trixie a small reassuring smile.

It means I won't say anything. It means I won't ask until you're ready to tell me.

*

When she does tell her- two days after Christmas, after a long missive from home and touch too much sherry- she crumples into Cynthia's arms and sobs.

Cynthia absorbs her sadness like a sponge, steady and calm, until Trixie is able to breathe normally again, to talk, to rub cold cream onto her face and reapply her lipstick, smile and hold up her head high and pour herself yet another glass of something, as if everything is fine.

It isn't, but then, Trixie is good at putting on a brave face.

*

She finds the address of the AA meetings herself, in the heavy yellow pages, leafing through the thin pages until she finds what she's looking for, a map next to her so she can plot the distance from Poplar, estimate how long it will take to arrive.

She writes down the address carefully and slips it into Trixie's hand one day when they're putting their bikes away one afternoon side by side.

There's no one else in the bike shed, no one else even close, but they still speak in whispers.

'What is this?'

'A place you can go to- talk about things. They're meant to help.'

Trixie's already shaking her head. 'No, I don't want- everyone knowing and-'

'It's all anonymous. And it's not near Poplar, I checked. No one will know you.'

Trixie looks about to protest again but then she pauses.

'I thought you'd got it from Dr Turner-'

'No, I-' She hesitates 'I didn't think you'd want to involve him. Or if you do, it should be your choice. I just looked it up myself, I promise I haven't discussed it with anyone.'

'Cynthia- thank you.'

It's choked but sincere.

'I'll come with you, if you like. Any time.'

'Thank you.' Trixie is turning the paper over and over in her hands- her fingers, Cynthia notices, always look somehow more well manicured than those of the other midwives, despite the fact that Trixie works just as hard as the others.

If not harder. Lately, she's thrown herself into work: her eyes are faintly ringed with shadow, almost the same shade as the eye-shadow she once wore in happier times.

'Thank you...but- I think I need to do this myself.'

'Alright.'

It doesn't feel like enough- she turns, then stops.

'You're awfully brave, Trixie.'

Trixie gives a half smile, more a twitch of the lips, more than a little disbelieving.

Two days later, Cynthia sees Trixie leaving the house by herself one evening, looking anxious but resolute, one hand in her pocket gripping something that Cynthia suspects might just be a tube of Cherry Red.

She can't follow Trixie so she goes to the chapel instead, and in the chapel, Cynthia prays for her friend: Trixe left the house wearing high heels but she's going into battle all the same.

*

She isn't sure if she'll see Trixie again before she leaves.

Come to think of it, she isn't sure if Trixie knows she is leaving.

The thought makes her sad- they'd once tracked each others comings and goings easily, thoughtlessly: glancing up at the on-call board to see whether they'd have time that evening for a game of monopoly, some illicit left over pudding or (occasionally) more illicit and therefore more thrilling games of poker.

Casual enquiries: 'Is Trixie back yet?', 'Have you seen Cynthia?'; evenings out at the pictures or even to the dance halls.

Or seeing Trixie off before she left for one of her own private evenings out- perched on the end of her bed, offering opinions about dresses and hairstyles.

'The blue or the violet?'

'The violet, I think.'

She knew, they both knew, that Trixie was the fashion plate, the one with an actual eye for style- but still, Trixie always asked her and always took her suggestions.

'Hair up or down?'

'Mmm...down tonight.'

Conversations with the bit of Trixie's face reflected in the mirror as she would put herself together; glasses of strange, bright concoctions, sometimes decorated with cherries and umbrellas but always with a strong bite of alcohol behind the initial syrupy sweetness, that she would sip at, gradually growing giggly and lazy limbed.

'They call it Ouzo. They drink it in Greece.'

'What's that you've mixed in with it?'

'Ginger beer- it's all we've got left.'

'You should submit it to Woman's Own, Trix, you're wasted as a midwife.'

She knows it was after she left that the drinks stopped altogether- for Trixie anyhow- and tries not to wonder if it was partly BECAUSE she left. Or maybe things had been there to notice before- and she had failed. She isn't sure which is worse but the question is one that buzzes loudest on the darkest days.

She knows the big events that have separated them of course- taking the veil was, she had to admit, the biggest- but it was harder to keep track of the little ones: she finds she can't remember the last time she has looked for the Trixie scrawled in chalk, the last time she has gone to find Trixie specifically with a funny story about her day-

And then a knock, Trixie's knock, on her door, the rat-tat-at, her own personal fanfare.

It takes her a moment to respond. It has been a while since she has been in charge of who entered her room.

'Come in.'

Trixie hovers on the doorway, with a brave attempt at a smile.

'I wasn't sure if you'd left yet. Sister Julienne didn't want you to have to deal with too many goodbyes.'

'She was very understanding- I do want to say goodbye to everyone, I'm just not sure I'm up to it.'

Trixie looks anguished. 'I'm sorry- it's terribly selfish of me, I just felt I had to say something before you went. I-' She pauses 'I still can't believe I wasn't there when- when everything happened.'

'I'm glad you were, it wasn't....pleasant. I just feel sorry for the trouble I caused everyone- for the trouble I still am causing...'

'You're no trouble! None! I just- I wish I could've helped you. After everything you did for me.'

They'd had other codes, once upon a time, a long time ago, things that only they understood: she knew that when Trixie described someone as perfectly charming, she really meant they were a little too wet for her taste. Trixie knew that 'a little bother' meant that things had gone utterly and awfully wrong. 'Going over notes' meant retiring to one of their rooms early for a break from study.

And now 'everything', meaning AA meetings and Linchmere...

'It's...alright, Trixie. Really.' It isn't, really, but she has always believed in trying to make things easier for others, even if only with words.

'I know things are....different now but.....can I write to you? At Northfield?'

'I'd like that. Tell me- about things. How things are. How you are.'

'I'll save up all my interesting stories for you. Even manufacture some if there's a dull week.' Trixie's eyes are shiny with tears. 'And I'll visit. When you're up to it. If you'd like, that is.'

She opens her mouth to reply, but Trixie cuts her off.

'Don't answer now, I know how things can get and sometimes seeing people and talking about things will be the last thing you want. Just- when and if you do want, I'll come. Any time.'

'They allow visitors at Northfield.'

'Good. I'll bring the meringues. And the monopoly.'

'They won't miss it here- no one plays it since we stopped.'

'They don't know what they're missing out on.'

'Well, they're not old hands like us.'

Trixie suddenly reaches out and grasps Cynthia's hands in her own.

'We've stuck it out here longer than everyone- as far as the nurses anyway. And we'll be here for a good while yet too. This is just- a temporary leave of absence. I catergorically refuse to lose you, Cynthia Miller.'

She stops. ' I'm sorry, I meant-'

'It's alright.' And it is. 'It's still my name.'

Trixie sends her a questioning look, and she smiles a little.

'I've just been... thinking about things.'

'I noticed- no veil?'

'I wanted to go back a bit. To how things were when I last wore this.' She fingers the worn blue cotton.

'I brought you something- not because of the veil of course, I was going to give it to you anyway. Or lend it. You need to bring it back. You need to come back.'

Trixie darts back into her bedroom- her bedroom, her and Patsy's, not her and Cynthia's for so very long- for a moment and returns with a crumpled brown paper bag.

'Here.'

'You didn't have to-'

'It's nothing.'

Trixie leans forward suddenly and wraps her in a tight hug- and she wonders when they'd last stood like this. Not for so long. Too long.

They are older now, scarred in ways that didn't show, and they wear different clothes now- but Trixie's Lily-of-the-Valley-perfume-cigarettes-hairspray smell is still the same.

Eventually they break apart and Trixie steps back.

'I should go- I've got clinic. I just wanted to say goodbye this time.'

As Trixie walks away, she can see she has to brush at her eyes more than once- but even as she blinks hard and bites her own lip, she knows that Trixie will be managing a smile too.

But then, Trixie always has been good at brave faces.

*

Her room is small; Mrs Barrington- Barry- had been almost apologetic when showing it to her, but the sunlight warming the carpet is bright, brighter than it had been for so long, and the bed looks comfortable.

She hadn't been able to get comfortable at Linchmere- the springs creaked every time she moved and so she'd tried not to, to avoid disturbing the other patients, even when her legs ached from being in one position too long and her bare skin prickled when it touched the unfamiliar sheets. Her sleeplessness had, sometimes, felt like yet another failure: her body refusing to accept even the minor healing that sleep could bring.

As the tension melts from her bit by bit, it occurs to her that a lie down would be most welcome.

But first-

Proper unpacking can wait until later, even her bible stays where she had carefully placed it, under her neatly folded nightclothes...but when she opens her suitcase, Trixie's package is right on top of everything.

When she opens it, a small, slightly battered tube lies in her lap. Cherry Red.

'It's silly, I know. But I've always thought putting on lipstick feels a bit like putting on your battle armour myself.'

She doesn't put it on her dressing table. Instead, she lays it on her bedside table, close to the pillow where she will lay her head each night.

When she closes her eyes, she dreams of cigarette smoke, Lily-of-the-Valley and the taste of meringues.

[kerriepaterson1-blog]

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