#esp w how he tried to keep it so. under wraps... he didn't want anyone to see that he was struggling this much w keeping himself afloat
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do you realize how seen i felt with this.
necessary reading before you act weird abt him in my inbox: 1, 2, 3
#there's. so much to unpack here. i'm sure i've placed my thoughts elsewhere on this blog but regardless#this just. kills me. the dawning realization he'll never fully recover#it's not entirely a selfish wish to get better. he's carrying so much hope on his shoulders; not only carrying his own passions#but those of the orphanage... the pressure... & not wanting to be suddenly undervalued or thought of as a traitor to them or his team#as if he ever would've /willingly/ abandoned them#esp w how he tried to keep it so. under wraps... he didn't want anyone to see that he was struggling this much w keeping himself afloat#because he struggles to excuse how he currently is. he has always pushed himself and when his body breaks down like this from the misuse#albeit necessary it's. horrific to him because it impedes all the progress that he's already forced himself to make#and - hey - at least if he's dead then he doesn't have to keep up the excuses and lies for months upon months of little recovery...#characters who struggle w remaining stagnant... oh how i would kill for you to realize you mustn't break yourself to progress#jestersvaguely#yttdposting#suicidal ideation#suicide mention
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