#especially since they cut my shift to 5 hrs and 45 mins instead of just 6 hours
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thoughts
#1. i crave stimulation so bad im practically buzzing in my seat#but at the same time im so tired i could knock out rn#and tomorrow marks another full week of work.......2 jobsssssss lololol#i really really really hate starbucks. like. really.#it is the worst job imaginable for someone w adhd#especially since they cut my shift to 5 hrs and 45 mins instead of just 6 hours#so i cant take a lunch#dude 10 minutes is not enough. it takes 3 just to get my food#i really hate starbucks.hate it so much#and ups has been rough just because we dropped our seasonal workers so. more work for a smaller team#2. I wish martin hadnt been the way he had. the sex was so fucking good and now im back to being touch starved#i dont want to deal with finding another person right now.way too busy and way too fucked mentally#since lauren ditched me ive just been exhausting myself picking up the pieces.#dealing with my anger my sadness and my guilt#yo she really fucking hurt me. idk if i can ever rly forgive her for how she hurt me.#at the very least though i am free finally. and growing so nicely because she was holding me back#but growing takes energy and effort so its just exhausting. being positive and hopeful and kind to myself#sometimes i wish i expected less of myself.#anyway off to bed I go.#just needed a place to vent#idk I just dont want to connect with any one person atm. safe to say i dont rly trust close relationships anymore#sometimes i have to wonder at all the times ive been screwed over and ask why. like whats wrong with me.#i think maybe i just love too much and it scares people. its natural to detest a mirror of a person i guess#it really sucks how lauren turned out. i loved her so much. why would she lie to my face for so long?#oh thank god I'm crying. ive needed this. ive been under a lot of stress and in a lot of pain lol#i have this whole life ahead of me waiting to get going but when i stop for too long it feels like im not grown enough for it yet#im in a lot of pain huh. she really hurt me. i think about it every night when im at work.#im alive. and progressing. but a part of me is still in that phone call in october sobbing and blubbering while she hangs up in pity.#i think I forgive myself though.#anyway off to bed. fr this time
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