#even jacob too tbh hes kinda just running around all over the place half the time

[emmamountebanks]

ik siobhan, miles, and zach are kinda eating up the quarry but they also get decent screentime (if u keep jacob alive at least)

but i just want halston, ariel, skyler, and evan to sign on for just a few more scenes, and give us more of them. i bet u so much more was planned for them but covid got it cut. and i want them to know how many people adore their characters and wish there was more of them focused in the late game story. and to come back and give us what we deserve

[bynewtscamander]

The Crimes of Grindelwald Review (Spoiler heavy!!)

Alright I’ll start off with a basic (post writing it: it is not basic whoops) plot synopsis for those of you nosy people who want to know what’s up before seeing the movie, or for those who can’t afford to go the movies, etc. 

So basically Grindelwald escapes from prison by enchanting Abernathy and switching places with him via polyjuice potion (?) that’s my assumption just cause a spell would probably be too much work given the circumstances. He heads off to Paris and kills a family and takes over their house. He’s there with some french woman who is basically his henchman, the bellatrix to his voldemort. Newt is in London as the British Ministry has forbidden him to travel outside the country. He’s there taking care of all his creatures in his house with the help of his assistant Bunty. Queenie and a love enchanted Jacob show up and talk with Newt. Newt lifts the spell on Jacob that Queenie put, and J&Q fight and Queenie heads off to Paris where Tina is stationed as an auror looking for Credence. Cut to Tina at the magic circus (located in the diagon alley of Paris) snooping about where we learn Credence is basically the circus janitor and is in love with human form Nagini. Shows happening, Nagini transforms, and behind the scenes Credence release a bunch of creatures to cause havoc so he and Nagini can escape. They dissaperate I think. The circus packs up and moves on to who knows where. Tina runs off to investigate stuff and runs into this other guy who’s also there looking for Credence. They have a talk at a street cafe. Jacob and Newt use a portkey to go to Paris and head to the Paris diagon. Newt uses a spell to see what happened there and they follow a feather to find the guy Tina was with so they can find Tina. They meet up with said guy outside of the street cafe and have a talk. Queenie is on her own and looking for Jacob. She gets discouraged and sits on a street corner sad and french bellatrix shows up and talks with her. Newt and Jacob find Tina and they all end up getting locked in a cell by the other auror guy. He passes out and Pickett picks the lock and they escape easy peasy. Newt was told by Dumbledore really early in the movie to go to a safe house in Paris so that’s where Newt and Jacob and Tina go and they bring the auror guy to help him. They get some info from his and Tina runs off and Jacob urges Newt to follow. Jacob watches the auror, who made an unbreakable vow, while he recovers from some magical parasite. He falls asleep and wakes up and finds out Nick Flamel lives there, and the auror guy makes a break for it. Nick shows Jacob a crystal ball and he sees Q and runs off to find her. In the meantime Q was talked into following Grindelwald so she and Jacob can get married in his new “utopian” society. Meanwhile Credence and Nagini are looking for his birth mother and Grindelwald is trying to recruit him. They don’t find her. The British Ministry is keeping close eyes on Dumbledore since they know he’s in major kahoots with Newt. Flashbacks to Leta and Newt at school. Small subplot is that some gossip magazine printed that Leta and Newt were now engaged but it’s actually Theseus and Leta. Back to the main plot, Newt and Tina break into the Paris Ministry to find records of the LeStrange family. Newt uses polyjuice to become Theseus. They get in and are looking for the records and have a moment in the record library. No kissing, just a moment. Leta comes in also looking for her records. They aren’t there. Leta, Tina, and Newt fight off some ministry guard cats and head off to where the records were moved. Now we’re at the LeStrange tomb where Grindelwald has summoned his followers. Auror guy is there and ends up running into Leta, Credence, Nagini, and possibly Newt and Tina (I can’t remember exactly). They explain the LeStrange background. Leta and auror guy are brother and sister. Ther mother was enchanted away from their father by another man. She falls “in love” with him and marries him and dies after giving birth to Leta who I can’t remember now if she was half-sister to auror guy or full sister. Guy who enchanted their mother remarries and have another kid. Non blood related to auror guy and possibly Leta if she was from og parents. Credence is their brother, sort of. When going to America, Leta and “C” were on a ship and “C” kept crying so she, as a child, switched him out with another baby to get some rest. Ship goes under and “C” dies being believed to be another womans baby. That womans baby survives and is apparently the Credence we know and love. So not related in anyway. Wack. Now the Grindelwald meeting has started and Jacob finds Q there and Tina is there to spy and everyone else joins in and Theseus and his aurors are there to keep an eye on stuff. Grindelwald makes his speech, calls out aurors he knows are there, they come forward and one (planted I believe) lashes out and kills a follower of Grindelwalds. More talking and then Grindelwald tells his followers to go. Most do but obvs Newt, Tina, Queenie, Jacob, Theseus, Leta, Grindelwald, french bellatrix, Credence, Nagini, and possibly Leta’s brother are still there. Grindelwald uses fire to weed out those not loyal. Queenie and Credence both join Grindelwald. Big fight with the fire and Leta sacrifices herself so everyone else can escape. They run into Nick Flamel and they do some more fighting of the fire to save Paris. They go to Hogwarts and Dumbledore gets cleared of suspicion and it is revealed that he and Grindelwald made a magical blood pact (basically an unbreakable vow) to never right each other. Ministry wants Dumbledore to fight cause he’s the only one who can match Grindelwald. Now cut to remote mountains in Austria where Grindelwald and Queenie are discussing Credence. Grindelwald talks to him and it is revealed that he is apparently the 4th Dumbledore sibling? And this bird he was taking care of is turned into Fawkes. I think that’s everything major. 

I definitely forgot stuff and I’m sure some stuff is wrong, I’m writing this 3ish hours after seeing the movie so it is still pretty fresh but I obviously cannot remember nearly 2.5 hours of content. 

Time for my thoughts and opinions and impressions. 

So Grindelwald’s escape. They mention something while he’s in the cell that they cut out his tongue. Later when we find out that Grindel was actually Abernathy he has like a forked tongue so idk if that’s what they meant by cutting it out?? Also I wasn’t a fan of the total demotation of Abernathy as GW henchman. Like I know he wasn’t very nice in the 1st movie but come on. Btw they were moving him from British prison to French cause he committed crimes both places. The French ambassador dude has like this whole moment where he’s fighting this creature and GW and then gets thrown from the flying carriage and almost dies on impact of the water. Then he’s just floating around and never mentioned again. 

I also wanted to know if the family GW killed to take over their house was muggle or not. minor thing. french bellatrix kills like a 2 year old baby they found in the house after killing his parents and I know they’re the bad guys but like it was kinda messed up. 

Newt’s house was dope and everything I expected it would be. His assistant, Bunty, has a crush on him, but he’s too invested in Tina and the animals to care. This is never addressed again. She is never mentioned again after this scene. So I thought it was dumb that her character was even involved and has the crush sub plot. Like either stick with it or make the assistant even more of a throw away character. 

So when Q shows up with J she’s like we’re getting married yay. A few minutes into their reunion with Newt he can tell something is up. He realizes that J is under a love enchantment and urges Q to lift it but she’s all like no no no. I just didn’t understand why she even enchanted him in the first place? Like yes he was against marrying her based on the fact that he didn’t want her to go to prison but like was it necessary to enchant him? idk it just felt stupid and childish and tbh Q is a more developed character than the ditzy blonde who wants to get married. I guess it more just rubbed me the wrong way. 

So J and Q have a fight  where J is like “I dont want to marry you cause I dont want you going jail” which is a totally legitimate reason and like I cant think that there would be any significant benefits to it, i think the big thing for them would be calling each other husband and wife but tbh they could do that anyway so i just thought it made Q seem like a resilient woman who only wants a man to call her own, which like I said earlier, she’s so not. She’s an accomplished legilimens and I feel like her character got a little side lined this movie. So anyway after this fight she heads off to find Tina in Paris.

So the magic circus was super dope, definitely an aspect of the wizarding world I was excited to see. I think they could’ve spent a little more time showing it off and all that cause it was more just a setting to introduce Nagini and what Credence had been up to since the last movie. 

The Nagini Credence romance didn’t really bother me, it’s kind of whatever and good for Credence for caring about someone and having someone care about him and stick by him.

Nagini herself is a whole nother ball game. I was mad dude. I still am. I think it’s one of the stupidest plot twists ever. Cause she’s basically from bloodline that is destined to turn into snakes forever and change every night and then at some point dont change back. It seemed kinda just thrown in there and for god’s sake we didn’t need some deep backstory for Nagini. I liked that she was just a snake cause it made sense for voldemort cause it’s like his closest companion isnt even human, that’s how crazy he is. So like I also dont know if he knew she was a person or what. it poses too many questions for the canon. She had a cool costume design though so i guess thats good. 

The other creatures at the circus were cool too cause it was neat to see a different side to animal keeping that we didnt in the first movie. All chained up for show and from all over the world. I really liked the big cat/dragon creature (im not looking up names rn so as not to break my stream of conciousness too much). Like im a big cat person and im a big dragon person so it was super cute and when newt used the toy for it i was like awwww. 

Side note, Newt when he’s shown at home taking care of his creatures jumps into the water without taking off his shirt and i was hoping this movie for a more indepth dealing with his scars but alas there was none.

I think I would’ve also liked to see more of paris diagon just cause all we get is the circus glimpse and the glimpse when newt and jacob go there and you dont get to really see any shops or stuff. 

The scene where newt uses the revelio spell thats all gold and uses the niffler was great, really liked that, i thought it was super pretty and showed they werent shoving aside the beasts despite it being a more wizard driven plot this time. 

After they meet up with auror guy and are thrown in jail with tina the auror guy passes out after making some little speech about how they were trapped. I dont even think he took their wands or if he did it wasnt shown or made note of. like a minute after theyve been trapped auror guy passes out. they super easily escape with Pickett picking the lock (my guess now is pick-it was the play for his name, well done, cute). So that plot point was barely a plot point.

When they all go to the safe house we find out that auror guy has some sort of water creature parasite in his eye. its gross and tentacally. newt removes it with literal normal tweezers. all it does is make auror guy need to rest for a few hours. once again, barely a plot point.  

Auror guy is also revealed to have the marks of an unbreakable vow, now, correct me if I’m wrong as I’ve only seen the movie once a couple days ago now, but i literally cannot recall what it was for? like idk why have a character make an unbreakable vow, something that was crazy important in book 6, and then make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal or like whatever it was wasn’t significant enough.

So anyway, he escapes while jacob is supposed to be watching him and falls asleep on the job. Then he meets Nick Flamel who I enjoyed being in the movie as it was a good nod to the 1st book. He was a funny character but also very powerful and important. I appreciated that he did look super old cause I think they could’ve easily tried to “sex him up” by making him this banging hot young immortal guy. They didn’t and honestly I prefer it that way. 

Now the crystal ball thing, was Nick Flamel a seer? Once again, may be wrong but I thought like only seers or people gifted with some form of the sight could use them? and like flamel was seeing and showing some intense visions that were very graphic and well formed so it didnt seem like he was a casual. Thats neither here nor there i just thought it was an interesting thing going on.

So now we’re with queenie who is being persuaded by GW to join him so she and jacob can get married. I mean that’s consistent with her character this movie but it does make her seem a bit weak willed. I feel like she should’ve known something was up by using her legilimency to try and poke around with gw or french bellatrix. Obvs they’ve probably trained with occlumency but i think lack of hearing those thoughts would’ve been a big red flag. maybe queenie was too emotional or distraught or whatever to think of it? Seemed like a bit of an oversight. Gahh i just wish they’d shown her resisting a bit more so she didnt seemed weak willed and we could also get a better look into just how convincing gw was. 

So Nagini and Credence have located where his birth mother lived in Paris but when they go there all they find is this half (elf? i think) woman who was Credence’s nanny basically. She basically reveals his mother is dead and credence is very distraught. The one of gw henchmen (who also works for the british ministry) sneaks into the house and kills the nanny in front of credence. Side note, i did like how they showed avada kedavra in a more casual setting because it shows how merciless gw was with it. I felt like with voldemort even though he was merciless and used it a lot, there was still this big dramatic focus on it. I think the casualness added to the morbid atmosphere being presented. 

So credence obvs goes all obscurial on the dude and blows up the house basically and is bombarding him with debris while he’s using a shield charm. The dude dissapperates in the end and credence goes back to being his normal self. And then I think later on at this house gw goes to him and talks him into joining him fully. 

So cut to hogwarts for dumbledore. He’s teaching defense and “dueling” some kid. This kid turns out to be an ancestor of cormac mclaggen which I thought was a nice little easter egg kind of thing cause the kid gets his ass handed to him by dumbledore. So in the middle of this lesson ministry officials show up and they’re like kiddos get out. then a woman only referred to as mcgonagall (since I know there’s been some discourse about that in reference to her birth date and age and whether it’s minerva or not. tbh i did always think mm was the sameish age as dumbledore but i also do believe in sticking with the harry potter canon as it’s more concrete and developed than the fantastic beasts) she herds them out so the ministry can talk. 

The robes for the 20s hogwarts students were dope btw and im so mad that they i guess went out of fashion cause like the subtle ribbon sleeves and the navy blue and red plaid skirts and the focus on sweaters was sick, really really liked that. 

So the ministry is like “so newts in paris and we know it was u” and dumbledore is like “whaaaat, who knew” and plays innocent and whatever. So then the ministry gives him unlinked cuffs that can track what spells he’s casting which i thought was an interesting concept and im wondering if that’s going to be used more for law enforcement and if it was more of an old fashioned thing and thats not used during hp era? i just thought they were cool and clever. 

So while this is going on Leta is poking around reminiscing about hogwarts and she was obvs a slytherin and was like jinxing kids and was very unpopular and she finds newt in this hidden nook while hiding from bullies. newt is taking care of some grindylows and a baby crow and some other creatures i couldn’t identify. 

They become friends and newt takes out on this island on the black lake and shows her this tree he likes and then we cut back to present day where Leta is looking at graffiti under a desk that says n+l so she had real feelings for him at some point that were probably not returned or newt was too naive to notice. fairly on brand tbh. 

Leta’s outfit for this is like a long sleeved loosish satin dress, maroon, with like a cape on that back and while i wish, for every movie tbh, that wizards always wore robes, I thought it was a nice little nod to them being magical and having different fashions. 

The gossip magazine subplot was actually so stupid and I wish they hadn’t included it because it makes Tina, who believed it, seem stupid and she’s not. She’s a well trusted auror now and there’s no way should would believe a stupid gossip magazine without doing proper research. 

I appreciated the little moment she and newt had upon clearing this up in the records hall. I would still have liked a kiss or something a little more considering everything but I’m not dying for one. 

Blah blah blah ministry fight, the familiars used to guard the ministry were cool and i did like their design, however, i am a big cat person so i can see if some people disagree. 

Gw uses this really sick method of conjuring like these huge, light, pieces of fabric that cover the buildings of paris in order to summon his followers. Im assuming they were invisible to muggles but this isn’t addressed however no one except the wizards bats at eye at them. 

So now we’re at the lestrange tomb which is big and fancy and all that. So now there’s the whole credence origin reveal/lestrange background. Auror guy shows up and is like you’re my sister and credence is our brother and i was just like hmmm because leta and auror guy are both black and credence is white so how does that work. 

The plot behind it is so complicated and weird holy heck. Basically auror guys parents fall in love and have him and are wealthy and all this stuff. Lestrange man falls in love with auror guys mother and imperios her to live with him and love him. Now i cant remember if leta was by both auror guys parents or if she was from lestrange and his mother. either way his mother dies giving birth to leta who is brought up, kinda, by lestrange. He remarries to another white woman and they have a baby who is in some way related to leta and auror guy. The baby’s name is corvus which idk, its weird. So eventually leta and corvus get sent to america with the half elf woman from earlier on this ship. Corvus doesn’t stop crying so leta sneaks out and temporarily (she intended) switches him with another womans baby. The ship begins to sink and thus they never get switched back and corvus officially goes down with the ship. Leta, fake corvus, and elf woman are on a lifeboat that tips and not corvus is see falling into the depths and either leta or the elf woman is seen swimming for him. It was super unclear to me whether or not they actually saved him because they must have if credence is there but like it was super unclear and im not sure. 

I also dont understand then how credence ended up being adopted and leta ends up back in britain and goes to hogwarts and all that jazz. maybe it will be cleared up in the next movie but that part of the plot gets all fuzzy and unexplained. 

I personally haaaaatttteeed this explanation. I may be reading into too deeply but it seems like they were just trying to make an excuse as to how the lestrange family went from a totally different race to another in like 50ish years (assuming bellatrix was born around the 60s). It also just felt like this crazy plot twist to be a crazy plot twist, nothing more. I also want to now go back and look at the black family tree and see how much info on the lestranges i can glean from that. I just think it would be interesting to see how much stuff has differed there. 

So now its the followers of gw meeting. There’s several hundred to a couple thousand wizards there and legit they all look like emos. gothic emos. it’s easy to pick queenie out in her multicolored plaid jacket. I just thought that was funny that the demographic for his followers was emo wizards. 

So blah blah blah speech about how the muggles are others but how gw doesn’t hate them or anything, something apologetic like that. lots of wwII imagery used to say like here’s what the muggles are gonna do if we dont take action. I think they were trying to push the hitler comparison here. Not a fan of that cause that “trope” or whatever needs to die. feels like we glorify hitler too much as the end all be all of evil in the world and history. that’s more of a personal thing for me, like the guy is gonna live forever in infamy and we as a society have pushed that and used it every which way. he needs to die out as a figure, especially with all the horrible stuff happening in the world today. 

So back to way less serious stuff, to show the wwII visions gw literally takes a fat rip off a skull bong that french bellatrix is holding and blows out the smoke which forms into the images. I started laughing out loud in the theater because of this and it majorly lowered the seriousness of the rest of the movie for me. 

So after all this gw knows theseus and the aurors are there and like calls em out to come down and like they cant actually do anything to the followers cause listening to someone speak is apparently not illegal even if the person speaking is like #1 escaped criminal of the wizarding world. 

And then basically out of nowhere one of the aurors kills a woman, a guy who i believe to be a plant, unsure if the woman was, but it def wasnt real. So gw goes over to her body and is like “look at how sad this is, followers, please leave this place and do stuff,” and they all disapparate. so now its gw, french bellatrix, queenie, jacob, newt, credence, nagini, tina, and theseus and his aurors. (now that im thinking about it i cant recall what became of auror guy)

Gw summons some blue flames in a circle around himself that only loyal followers can pass through. all the non-theseus aurors get consumed by the flames either by charging or gw manipulating it to engulf them. So then one by one gw starts trying to convince people to join him, in the end queenie joins him much to the dismay of jacob. unsure how i feel about this, it’s an interesting duality but god i wish it wasnt queenie again. and then much to naginis dismay credence joins. gw tries to get leta to join. she wont. he lashes out at everyone with the fire but leta holds it off and theseus is like “no ill do it, escape” and leta is like “im doing it and you need to go” they (newt and theseus) linger long enough for leta to be consumed but they manage to escape dramatically. 

Once outside the tomb in the graveyard they see flamel who is like “if we dont do something the whole city is gonna burn” so they all stick their wands into the ground and create a ring of fire to encase the evil blue flames and they work super hard at holding it off and they do and thats the big epic ending fight scene. it looked really cool but explaining it it seems kinda lame lol. 

So now that paris is saved they all go to hogwarts and are standing on the bridge and have newt alone go talk to dumbledore and he shows his this heart charm thing which has 2 drops of blood in the center. dumbledore explains that in their youth they made a magical blood pact (basically an unbreakable vow in a different form) to not fight each other. Newt is like well can you un do it cause you’re the only dude who can defeat him and dumbledore is like i’ll see what i can do. he also gets his magic tracking cuffs off. 

We get to see the mirror of erised again which was cool and i really liked seeing dumbledore stand in front of his for the first time as we all know the “sock” line about it from him. he sees gw, so no surprise there. more of a nice little easter egg moment more than anything.

Then we’re in austria in the mountains. Gw and queenie are talking about how credence is and how to get through to him and then gw walks in and starts talking to him. Gw explains that he is aurelius dumbledore. so wtf. I have big problems with this as dumbledores history is pretty clearly eplained and im pretty sure his parents werent around long after arianna so how did they have another kid? how did they lose him? is he older or younger than arianna? and if we go off the lestrange story wouldnt that make the woman who leta switched the babies on mrs. dumbledore? i also really hated this bit and i want to see how they clean it up in the next movie cause yiiiiikes is it bad. super unnecessary and kinda messed up and weird. 

After this gw gives credence his first wand and turns this little bird that credence had been looking after into fawkes (assumed from earlier movie context clues etc). Which is also confusing cause like uhhh can someone actually turn a bird into a phoenix? is that even possible? was the bird secretly a phoenix this whole time? and if so why was gw able to make it grow up so fast? weird shit there.

So anyway that was my long, rambly, opinionated, all over the place, too extra, very informal and grammatically atrocious review of Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. Maybe things will come to me later and I’ll add on but this is what I’ve got floating around in my head 2 days post movie. 

It was by no means a bad movie, the cinematography was great, the acting was great, I loved the characters so much. The beasts were new and exciting. My biggest gripes lie with some of the plot points brought up. 

7/10 final score I guess.  

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E2 (Showmance)

Mama Mia, here I go again!

Please don’t tell me this GROWN MAN had his license plate changed to “GLEE” to reflect the high school club he runs. PLEASE.

Rachel brings a whole-ass SUITCASE to school? I know she’s extra by nature but PLEASE.

Finn just Doesn’t Know What Things Are! I adore him. 

You’re really just going to walk by Kurt hanging out by the dumpster with a bunch of dudes who harass him in the hallways? AGAIN? Nice one.

“One day, you will all work for me” I doubt these guys are going to be working up the ranks at Vogue.com, Kurt, but I rate the energy.

Emma you’re better than this dude. Run. Run as fast as your hollow bird pelvis will let you.

SANTANA’S FIRST LINE!!! You’re right, they should get a room. 

For all the creepy obsessing Will’s done so far over the glee kids, you’d think HE would be the one to notice how they don’t have enough members to qualify

Sue points out a bunch of special ed classes, and yet I’m pretty sure she says McKinley has no real support available for special needs students later on? They must be whack classes

These people are really acting like all Will does is coach the glee kids even though he’s literally a Spanish teacher

Early Quinn may be incredibly mean, but like, I’d say thanks if she killed me 

Rachel really has a whole spare outfit ready to change in to post-slushying? I guess that makes sense if it happens that regularly

Cory Monteith REALLY couldn’t dance and we love him for it

Disco didn’t suck until Mr Schue got his grubby little mitts on it

I almost forgot about Kurt’s selection of hats. What is this one? A fez? It’s fez shaped

Why is Kurt so sure they’ll throw fruit specifically? Is that McKinley asshole custom?

Terri’s actress, once again nailing the act of making me want to throttle her

Kendra also nails that.

A “used” house oh my god

THIS ARGUMENT BETWEEN KURT AND MERCEDES IS GOLDEN. “You need to call me before you dress yourself. You loo like a technicolor zebra.” They REALLY match. God I hope they ad-libbed that.

It’s the first rap of the show, folks. 

I hate Mr Schue doing Kanye, I really do, but imagine Finn doing it instead like he planned. Better? Worse? I can’t even tell anymore. 

The LOOK Kurt gives Mercedes when she starts belting out the Jamie Foxx part... Don’t be jealous hon you’ll get your bars. For real though his face is hilarious, he looks like he’s worried she’s about to burst a blood vessel with all that TALENT

Sign #5 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Get your hands OFF of Kurt Will Schuester he doesn’t want to dance! Tbh though I love season 1 Kurt during the group numbers because he just always looks SO done.

Mr Schue’s also wearing a T-shirt that says “DITCH PLANS” on it. Please DITCH the state instead?

KEVIN MCHALE IS THE UNSUNG VOCAL HERO OF THIS WHOLE SHOW AND I WILL NEVER LET ANYBODY FORGET IT

Watching them all sing in a goofy, candid way is honestly healing. 

KURT’S DOING THE SINGLE LADIES RING-HAND MOVE IN THE BACKGROUND THIS BOY REALLY LOVES HIS BEY. Me too Kurt me too

They straight up gave Rachel no gag reflex and had her guidance counsellor make a joke about it? Ok RIB

“Have you ever liked somebody so much you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?” Same girl, same

AAAaaaAAALllLlLLLLLlll BYYYYY MYYY SEEEEeeeEEEEEEEELFFFF.........bY mYsEeElF i’M bY mYsElF

Ok I like Emma but she sometimes kinda sucks at her job

“He doesn’t even notice me” Rachel, hon, he’s probably already warned his neighbours about you

“Gay parents encourage rebellion” PICK A SIDE, SUE! I really can’t keep up with the convenient flip-flopping of her bigotry. And with Jean, you’d think she’d go off on Rachel for calling people “chromosonally-challenged”

Finn, of course you know who Justin Timberlake is... That’s Mr Schue’s hotter, less evil twin!

I love how they have to label Robin Thicke on the poster - you know, because of how awful and irrelevant he was even then?

Half the janitors are just gone. How has this school not been closed down already?

Sign #6 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Mr Schue: I want to build a club where people can express themselves musically Literally every single member: Hello Mr Schue, I’m here to express how much I dislike the music you’re making us perform. Mr Schue: Never talk to me or my fake-unborn-son ever again

Humble, modest Finn going d’aww shucks and telling Rachel to stop complimenting him is adorable. I love him!!!

How could I forget the celibacy club... I almost feel bad for Quinn, he’ like the only person there who genuinely cares about being celibate. I don’t buy that anybody’s convinced that Puck’s a virgin...

The fact that Finn thought joining the celibacy club would get him laid is just... Yeah. It suits him. 

Jacob Ben Israel you will die by my hand you slimy, unforgivable bastard. NOBODY IS OBLIGATED TO GET YOUR DINGER WET, SCUMBAG! Short skirts are not an entitlement!!!

I still don’t know what Puck means when he says “Those skirts are crunchy toast” and I don’t think I want to know.

OH GOD T H E M A I L M A N . . .

Finn Hudson has canonically nearly killed a man and I don’t think anybody talks about that enough.

I beg all of you to look up this scene and listen to the way Finn goes “Ahahaha... Driving’s fun...” Like it just brings me so much joy. What a doofus. 

Carole’s first instinct is to yell “OH MY GOD YOU’VE KILLED HIM WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!” Calm down queen he’s gon be fine

Quinn really hates contraception, huh!

I know your wife is a shit, Mr Schue, but it’s fucking reprehensible to lead on another woman. It’s clearly intentional at this point I’m sorry, you don’t put chalk dust on somebody’s nose like that platonically!

Rachel: We’re going to give them what they want! Kurt: Blood? God I love him

I do love the running gag of Figgins wildly overestimating the excitement for the assemblies tbh

This school doesn’t have working toilets but, hey, on the bright side, all you have to do to get expelled is shit yourself!

“Yay, Glee! Glee kids hooray!” Emma just warms my cockles

Will referring to the glee club and saying “We’re on our way back” like no, old man, you’re not getting clout for this. Then again, neither are any of the students until they’ve graduated...

AHH, PUSH IT! KURT’S HIPS. LOOK AT THEM GO. HE’S SO INTO IT.

I WANT THE FACE SUE MAKES WHEN SHE SEES FIGGINS TAPPING HIS FOOT TATTOOED ON MY HEART

Finn’s face as he gets ready to start his part... He’s so nervous. Bless him...

THE PERFECT TIMING OF KURT SLAPPING HIS ASS. And then the zoom on that fucking fanny pack going crazy this scene is so fucking iconic. That fanny pack has been burned into my retinas forever. 

AND THE WAY HE WOBBLES HIS HEAD AROUND AS HE STEPS BACK. KURT! FUCKING! HUMMEL!

Oh god, now he’s crawling across the floor to Mercedes. I can’t tear my eyes away he’s GOING for it!

They really had Finn and Rachel go that hard? Honestly up until that point, the routine isn’t too overtly sexual, but now I understand why they get in trouble 

I DON’T GET HOW THEY’RE STILL LOOKED DOWN ON AFTER THIS PERFORMANCE! Nearly everybody applauds! RIB just had to have that cake and eat it too. 

I demand Will’s resignation too, Sue

Ah, the approved songs list... That they will proceed to ignore for the rest of the season post the Unholy Trinity’s audition

Sign #7 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He has NO PLACE to be mad at Rachel here. You didn’t listen to any of your students, you wouldn’t compromise, and now they’re going on a sex riot. You did this!

Ken Tanaka you cannot undermine a woman’s self esteem and convince her to settle for you as a second choice, and then complain about feeling like a second choice... WHY do they ever act like he’s a victim here?!

Finn saw that whole-ass picnic set up and didn’t think to ask about it? King. I love one (1) himbo. The way he says “You’re cool, Rachel” just fucks me up every time...

She pours him the TINIEST drink in the world? Girl the cups not even a tenth full and he’s a big boy...

The real OTP is Finn x Airplane Cups

Why does Rachel lie down for the kiss... Is it solely so Finn can have his little overflow at the mayo factory or???

THE MAILMAN SCENE HAPPENS EVERY TIME HE KA-BLAMOS OH MY GOD HOW DID I FORGET...

Look, Rachel, I get that it sucks that he ran away, but he literally has a girlfriend? You couldn’t have expected things to go that well...

THE UNHOLY TRINITY FORMS... I’M QUAKING

Throwback to how blatantly obvious it was that Santana and Quinn weren’t singing at all. How did they think they’d get away with that...

Brittany’s original sideswept bangs? Ugh. Giving me LIFE.

Dianna’s voice turned me gay. I’m genuinely convinced my sexuality is Quinn Fabray’s fault and I’m not even mad?

By this point we know next to nothing about Santana’s character, but the second Sue suggests sabotage, her face fucking lights up. She’s living for it already 10/10

Will you can’t make Emma tag along to all your janitorial shifts I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re married. And a jackass. 

I know Rachel went behind his back, but there’s no real reason to give Quinn the Don’t Stop Believing solo? She’s talented and incredible and I love her, sure, but it doesn’t suit her voice at all my guy, if you didn’t have biscuits for ears you’d know that...

Is this the only instance where Will takes actual responsibility for the glee club’s actions rather than blaming it all on the kids? Wow... A rare gem.

The way he says “I should never have pushed disco so hard...” All serious like... Get a fucking grip

I can believe that Rachel’s neighbours would sue her for singing all the god damn time

Rachel singing “Take A Bow” is more fitting than I realised. At first I was like, “that’s dumb, Finn doesn’t really realise what he did anyway” but it fits her character to use a song and spin it so she feels empowered by it in the end. Or at least, tries to feel that way.

So there’s episode 2! What a hot mess. We love our hot mess.