#ever and also having a potential danger radius of about 10 miles in every direction

[dankovskaya]

This new sourcebook is kind of crazy given how much this topic has been de-emphasized in previous lore shit? Like when I was first getting into vtm I remember it felt like basically everywhere you look you're getting reminded that the vast majority of vampires, even with relatively high humanity, are just so fundamentally Un-Human that genuinely falling in love with someone (or even just wanting to fuck), whether a human or another vampire, was so unlikely as to be essentially irrelevant as a concept unless its some kind of deliberate psychological manipulation thing or a mealtime strategy. And ppl on the subreddits were also particularly hard asses about that kind of arbitrary restriction in my experience.

And of course people have always still done it anyway because it is a staple of storytelling Lol but releasing a WHOLE SOURCEBOOK on the topic of incorporating vampire romance into your chronicle is crazy. Like even though v5 is very clearly about broadening the appeal and accessibility of vtm I would not have expected this much focus on it when it was previously antithetical to vampirism. Lmfao

[katyinthemiddle]

Realizations and Mishaps from My Adulthood: When In Doubt, Be an X-Men!

I’ve always had 2 very unique “gifts” in life:

1.)    The ability to be the flypaper to the weirdos of the world. It is one of those wild mysteries of life. Some people have chronic headaches with no source and I have the ability to attract creeps with a 35 year old mullet who believe they were abducted by aliens in ‘88. Not only do these freakin’ crazies FIND me within a 20 mile radius, but they TALK. And they will tell me things no normal human being would tell anyone after knowing them for less than 30 seconds

I guess I just have one of those faces. 

2.)    The ability to have my personality as my biggest form of self-defense. I use to live alone in a cute house near Cleveland, Ohio. I would come home from work and run a mile or 2 around the block. At first, my parents were concerned about me going out by myself. Would someone try to grab me while I was out running? Would someone break into my house and hold me captive? Should I carry around pepper spray and brass knuckles like my 75 year old grandma? (True story!) But then after some thought, my mother decided she wasn’t scared for me after all. And here is her EXACT reason why: “If anyone ever tried to kidnap Kate, she would just have to start talking and they would return her. They might even pay us to take her back.”

So yeah, awesome. Thanks, Ma.

Even though I know my line of self-defense is offensively dependable, I still have a very neurotic attitude when it comes to the weirdos in life who love to find me and tell me their life stories. It also doesn’t help that I have other things about my personality aside from just talking that tend to make people not want to come near me and/or steal me.  Here’s a good little story to prove just that.

I’m a big fan of hiking. When I moved to California, my sister took me to this place called Peter’s Canyon that is still my favorite place of all time to take a nice hike. The hills are full-on slopes of death…  Which doesn’t really work for clumsy people like me all the time:

But I love it dearly and it’s my life, damnit!

Even though I know it’s not the best idea, I do sometimes workout alone. I know, I know, but shut up, it’s rare. Right before I moved to Dallas, I was packing up our apartment during a lovely day out and decided I wanted to take an hour-ish break and go hike Peter’s Canyon. Now, I DO NOT do this alone typically but it was about 2pm on a Tuesday and I DO WHAT I WANT. Normally it’s annoyingly crowded on the trail since we mainly go on the weekends, (…and every line in Orange County is Black Friday long EVERY DAY) but since it was a Tuesday afternoon  almost NO cars were parked by the entrance. SCORE!

It’s about 2 hours if you do the full trail, but I still needed energy to keep packing when I got home, so I did a shorter version. The majority of the hike I did not see 1 other person! Which was awesome cause I was listening to my 90’s mix and practicing my Celine Dion fist-chest pump thing to “All By Myself” (I’m so fucking poetic sometimes).

(GET IT, GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I got to the last few miles of the trail which was flat and led right back to the street I parked my car on. This part is pretty shaded with trees and more wooded than the death hills at the beginning. I’m walking along feeling feelings with Celine when out of the corner of my eye I see someone coming down from the woods.

It startled me a little bit since I hadn’t seen anyone else in over an hour. It ended up to be an older man who looked very sweaty and wasn’t wearing workout clothes. I wasn’t sure if he had come off another path cause from what I could see, there wasn’t any leading down to where I was walking. Maybe he was making his own? Good for him, a true pioneer. He motioned over to me and started saying something. I removed my headphones and smiled and waved. I assumed since he was wearing khaki shorts and a polo that maybe he was lost. Very easy to do, which is also very dangerous.  

He came up a little closer and I could see he was sweating quite a bit.

“ Hi there, what is your name?”

Oh, okay. Guess we were starting with names to be polite instead of me just pointing to him where to go to get out of here.

“Hi, I’m Kate. Are you lost?”

“Hi, I’m Ralph.” – Let’s call him Ralph cause I have no fucking clue what his real name is nor do I care.

He stood there smiling. Not at all answering my question if he was, in fact, lost.

“Kate, where did you park?”

Ahhhh, bawhat? Kinda weird, kinda weird.  Was this his manly way of not admitting he was lost and needed directions?

“Ahh, I parked on the street to the entrance like everyone else.” I wasn’t trying to sound like a complete asshole but I also wasn’t going to give the exact location of where my car was to a stranger.

“Oh, yeah I parked wayyyyy over there. At a parking lot. I had to pay.” He pointed in the exact opposite direction I was headed. Really weird as I’ve never seen or heard of a parking lot near the entire hiking area nor one that made you pay.

“Oh, never heard of it.” I started fidgeting with my headphones again as I could tell this wasn’t about him asking for directions.

“Kate, where do you live? Do you live around here?”

Creepy.

“Yeah not too far.” Trying to remain vague.

“Do you come here a lot to walk? On weekends? Or after work? Do you come alone, mainly?”

Creepier still.  Not really sure where this is going at this point, so I make a firm decision to try and scare him away.

“My fiancé and I come here every once in awhile.” BOOM. Throw in that you have a man and that he goes there with you….. and the creeps  run away typically. But not Ralph, cause Ralph is special.

“So you don’t come here alone? What days of the week are you here?”

At this point, I felt like taking a step back to assess the situation. I was basically in the woods. 2 miles from my car and civilization. No one else was on the trail except me and Deliverance aka Ralph. I was much more in shape and actually in workout gear so I could probably outrun him if I needed to. I had my phone on me so I could probably call 911 unless he made some surprise attack or worse… he had other people surrounding me.

At this point I was freaking myself out with all possible outcomes including, but not limited to ACTUALLY being “Taken” – Liam Neeson style. But who would find them and kill them?!?!?!

Right away I think about useful things I have on me to potentially use to fight back. I remember I have my keys in my pocket and reach for them. I jingle them a bit trying to give Ralph the hint I need to leave. He just stood there waiting for me to give him the exact times and dates of where I’ll be alone in the next 24 hours. (… ugh, the shitter? That’s where everyone is alone. Unless you have kids, I guess…)

I look down at my phone like someone texted me cause that is ALWAYS the go-to when trying to get out of a awkward situation. And let’s be honest, Ralph doesn’t know only 2 people ever text me and one of them is my mom making sure I still get my vegetables at 29 years old. ( and I do!)

I quickly start to walk backwards and mumble something about having to go and a fire (I have no idea, I’m not a great liar so it felt right at the time). Since I’m trying to keep it polite, I even smiled and waved.  Before I turn around completely, I see Ralph standing there, not waving back, but looking completely baffled why I was hurrying the fuck out of there… and probably why I randomly said, “ fire” in a non-panic manner.

I turn a little corner away from his view and immediately stop to regain myself. TIME TO GET SERIOUS! I grab my keys and put all 3 of them between my fingers, Wolverine style:

(What I think I looked like…)

(What I actually looked like…. not my arm though. That is a man. I am not a man.)

This made sense to me because it was the only “weapon” I had on me. I didn’t know if Ralph was going to follow me OR if he and other people would be waiting for me at my car… so I quickly wrap my hoodie around my waist, secure my phone and headphones, put on some Metallica (… cause duh) and full on sprint the last 2 miles back to my car.

Here’s the best description of what the next few minutes looked like:

I am running FULL THROTTLE through the woods with my Wolverine-key hands at my side… almost Edward Scissorhand-style… my hoodie flying up behind me like a cape, guitars BLASTING through my headphones while frantically looking back every 10 seconds to make sure I’m not being followed.

All in all, pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.

When I see the opening to the street, I slow down a bit cause I’m EXTREMELY TIRED. Sprinting is hard and I’m not freakin’ Usain Bolt.

I see other people around the entrance, but again, I don’t know if they are safe. Even if they are a little old woman and her white, yappy dogs. She could be dangerous! You never know.

I keep my Wolverine/Scissorhand up at my side cause I wasn’t taking ANY chances. I get to the side walk where my car is and slow down. I walk around it 360, looking under and over and finally inside the back seat… CAUSE THAT IS ALWAYS WHERE THEY HIDE IN MOVIES!

(AHHHH! … and movies are always real! Like the internet!)

Luckily, I didn’t see anyone. At this point I felt safe enough to remove the keys from between my fingers and actually get into my car. I look around for a few more minutes and there is no sign of Ralph. I decide at this point, I can leave.

However, no way in hell was I going home. He could be watching. I decide that even though I’m paranoid and drench in sweat, I’m going to go a public area for the next 2-19 hours.. just in case.

I end up at a shopping center and do some impromptu grocery shopping even though I need nothing. Naturally, I walk out with a shit-ton of bags of groceries, a huge case of water and I SPECIFICALLY made sure to buy a big canister of peanuts. Cause Ralph could be allergic to them and that could be my saving grace.

Also, peanuts are delicious.

When I get back to my apartment and open the door, to my surprise I hear voices. My fiancé wasn’t  home… he had already gone to Dallas. So naturally I COMPLETELY PANICKED.

I got back out my trusty keys and Wolverined it again while I slowly walked inside. It ended up being a radio that was turned on from the alarm clock in our bedroom. Felt kinda dumb, but talk radio can bore you to death. Not taking chances.

I’d like to say I played it cool the rest of the evening, but instead I forced my sister and her husband to come over and sit in my bedroom while I showered. I also forced them to search the apartment multiple times to make sure it was safe. I might have even slept with my keys still in between my fingers… (It’s not comfortable, highly DO NOT recommend it).

Lesson learned – WHEN IN DOUBT, BE AN X-MEN!

Jusssssst kidding.

Lessons learned – TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If you feel uncomfortable from weirdos finding you and asking personal questions, then leave. Maybe don’t sprint away while casually saying “Oh.. gotta go… fire… bye!” Ralph could have been harmless or had some weird social defect. I will never know. But I do know that even if I looked like a complete idiot scrambling away, at least I was being safe. And even if like me, kidnappers would bring you right back the second you opened your month, if you feel uncomfortable… GET OUT.  What do moms of the world always say? “Better safe than sorry!” And they are right, like all moms usually are.

Be safe. Be aware. Be yourself… cause let’s be honest, if Ralph and his kidnapping bandits did get to witness my insane escape away from them, I doubt they would have wanted me anyway.  Being my odd self has probably saved me a number of times from weirdos like him.

Moral of the story, being yourself is always the best bet. And in my case, the safest. 

 (Look at that face!!! The Guac has a better chance of being stolen. #truestory. #guaclife)