#everything stopped around 2 weeks ago. around our grandma's death day.... oh i really hope he didn't harm himself or is in trouble....

[robinsnest2111]

just 400 more boops and the black paw will be mine!!!!!! (trying to distract myself from new family drama)

[127-mile]

Colours :

Pairing : Chittaphon/Ten Lee x female reader.

Genre : soulmates!au, criminal!au / angst, fluff.

Warnings : flashbacks / characters’ deaths / hit and run / cursed necklace / mention of blood / alcohol / non explicit mention of deaths.

Word count : +9k.

Plot : Soulmates exist, and sometimes, they are hard to find. Meeting Cyan and her book of colours in broad daylight was unexpected. When she offered you the opportunity to find your soulmate, you said yes. It was quite simple : you only had to pick a colour. One colour, one alternate reality. And only one chance for you to find them, and bring them back.

You picked silver where soulmates have memories of each other from their past life.

A/N : This is part of a soulmate collab, please go read the other writers works, and feel free to give us feedbacks. I’ll add the link to the masterlist later, but you can find it on @neo-cult-ure​ who is the beautiful soul behind this collab.

"Why are we here ?" the boy ignores you, a small huff coming through his pursed lips. "What do they have that is important enough to put us both in danger ?" you start to run out of patience, your foot hitting the ground repeatedly. "Maybe we shouldn't do that. Everything has gone very well so far, maybe we shouldn't push our luck, don't you think ?"

Ten finally turns around, an expression on his face that you can't quite decipher. He grabs your hand to bring you closer to him, and with the way his chest presses against yours, you are pretty sure he can feel how hard your heart beats. "Come on, sunshine." he says, fingers brushing against your cheeks so softly that you are not sure if it is really happening. "We don't have anything to lose, and we will find each other again no matter what." He is right, you know that, but for some reason, you can't shake the feeling that it could be the last time.

"It took me 2 more years to find you this time. It's getting longer every time. What if I can't find you again after that ? What if I'm left alone for the rest of my life and the others ?" you take a deep breath, trying hard not to embarrass yourself even more in front of Ten. "You promised me I would never be alone." your voice is shaky, barely above a whisper and Ten laughs, at least until he sees your eyes filling with tears.

"And I plan on keeping my promise. No matter how long it takes, I will find you every time." He says, and his face is so close to yours that you can smell the faint and sweet smell of his cologne. You feel a sudden rush of helplessness when he kisses you, your hands gripping his shoulders to stay grounded. "It's now or never, my love."

He lets go of your face, and he turns on his heels to open the lock of the backdoor. "You know what to do, right ?" he asks, and you nod. Of course you do, especially after repeating the plan so many times on the way to the house. "Perfect. Let's meet up in thirty minutes in the soma (south marais)." He kisses your cheek, and you have to resist the urge to grab his arm, and to force him far away from here, far away from the life he has always known.

The hideout is only a few miles away from the house, which should be close enough in case anything happens. But there is no reason, right ? You sigh. "Please, be careful." you go around the house, and as soon as you see the door, you knock as quickly as possible. The burn of the wood against your knuckles helps you focus on the task.

"Help, please, help !" you scream, banging your fist against the front door. At first nothing happens, but after a few minutes, the lighs turn on behind the tinted windows on each sides of the door. When the door opens, you start to pants, your eyes focusing on the owner of the house, an old man wearing a red dressing gown. "Please, help me. I-my car broke down." you say hurriedly, with the most botched accent. "I- I was just tru-trying to go buy some medicine for my little brother. He-he is alone and sick and-and I don't know what to do, or who to call."

The man seems lost, but only for a minute. He grabs his keys, and steps out of the house. You wonder how he managed to understand and especially to believe what you just said because that was some lame improvisation you just did. "Which one is yours ?" he asks, and you lead him down the street, to a car Ten forced open a couple of hours ago, when he was sure that the owner would not leave his apartment again. "Open the hood, would you." you sit in front of the steering wheel, and you press the button for the hood.

You do not pay the slightest attention to the man who looks at the engine of the car, too busy looking at the old man's house. You are pretty sure to see Ten's shadow behind the window of the first floor, and you honestly wish it was him, and not another resident. "Start the engine." you hear him say, and you freeze. Ten never told you how to use the cables to start a stolen car.

"Alright, alright." You grab the cables, and you try rubbing them, but nothing happens. So when the man looks at you, you shrug and he goes right back behind the hood. One of the lights turn on and off a few times. The sign. It's time to get the fuck out of here. You get out of the car, to join the man who slightly jumps. "Would you mind calling a car repairer for me ?" you cock your head on the side, with the softest smile and he nods.

"Of course, follow me." you obey, and when he enters the house, you hope Ten found a way out in time. You see the man rummaging through the drawers to find a cellphone he probably hasn't used in weeks. When he turns around, you just run. You run for dear life, ignoring the burn of your lungs screaming for you to stop, to catch your breath, but you can't. Not right now. You only slow down when you catch sight of the fairy lights from one of the marais' shops.

"Oh fuck." You mutter when you feel bile going up your throat, clearly out of shape for such a run. Being in Paris is a fascinating experience because nobody watches you as you walk down the street, fingers pressing against your side, sweaty and breathless. You turn in the dark alley where Ten told you to wait earlier. It is really dark, no light in sight, but it is still comforting.

Twenty minutes pass, and Ten is not here. You try, you really try, but eventually, fear starts to invade your nerves. What if someone saw him and called the cops ? What if he had an accident on his way here ? You rub your eyes, and you notice how tears started to roll down your red cheeks, the adrenaline slowly draining away from your body.

"Yn ?" You turn your head in time to see Ten. He has the biggest smile on his face, and he holds a necklace like the most precious trophey he has ever had. All of that for a necklace ? You shake your head, getting out of your hiding spot to walk toward him. But before you can even reach the curb, a car rushes towards Ten probably after running the red light.

"Ten !" you scream at the top of your lungs, and then, everything seems to slow down. Ten's body hit the hood of the car, his torso and head smashing against the windshield while his arms and legs are flailing, searching for somewhere to hold and stop the movement. The only sounds that fill your ears are the crushing of glass mixed with the distinct crackles of his bones. The car stopps, only for a minute, and from the broken windshield, you can see the hesitation on the driver's face. The reality hitting him at full speed.

The person drives away from Ten's inert body. You suddenly find yourself on your knees beside him, you didn't even remember ordering your body to move. Blood is running down his nose, and mouth and his chest is barely moving. "Ten, Ten, please wake up. Open your eyes." You say, frantic. "You promised ! You promised goddamit !" Your body is shaken by your sobs when Ten finally opens his mouth.

"Wake up."

Suddenly the voice is completely different, and when you open your eyes, the boy, the street in Paris, the broken glass, everything is gone, and you are alone in your bedroom. Your heart beats so hard that it hurts, and your face is wet with tears. You are still shaken up by the obvious dream you had. Even if the boy's face starts to fade, his words, and the sound of the crash still cloud your mind. You wince at the sound of your phone ringing on the bedside table.

From Mother : Today is the last day before I throw out all the stuff, hurry up.

You never had that kind of dream before, it felt so real, so comforting to be with him, so painful to lose him. It was almost like your body remembered something your brain couldn’t. His words had stuck with you in the shower. “I plan on keeping my promise. No matter how long it takes, I will find you every time.” For some reason, it made your heart ache. You thought that like every other dream, you would forget about it, but you didn’t. You even found yourself rubbing at your hands to wipe away the blood you had in the dream.

As hard as it is to stop thinking about your dream, you unfortunately have to brush it away to look for your older brother. As per usual, he was in his bedroom with his headset, and his game controller glued to his hands.

“Could you drive me to grandma’s ?” He barely looks up from his game, and he shrugs. “Please ? Grandma said I could take some of the old books she had, and mom is ready to throw everything away.”

In no time, Hansol is on his feet, he would never miss an opportunity to piss off your mother. The latter was way too happy when your grandmother passed away, too happy to be the new owner of the house she had be longing on for years.

“Let’s go.” He says, and you follow him out of the apartment to the parking. The ride to the house is pretty quiet, except for the weird noises coming from the old’s car engine. Hansol is the quiet type of guy, and you don’t mind as much usually, but today you feel restless. Probably because of the images of the crash playing in your mind.

“Can I ask you a question ?” When he nods, you take a deep breathe. “Have you met your soulmate already ?” Hansol freezes, hands still on the steering wheel, you know it is a sensitive subject because Hansol is going to be forced in a marriage by your parents to someone he had never met before. To the daughter of some chairman who promised to help the family’s struggling corporation, but you really need to know. Seeing him nod hurts you. “How does it feel ?”

“As soon as I met them, I understood how vital they are for us. Why they exist. A soulmate is.. it is everything you always wanted and more. They become the better part of you. Suddenly, everything seems brighter. And when you think about the years you spent without knowing of their existence, without having them by your side, you wonder how you did to survive.” He explains in a low voice. “You have the memories of your soulmate from your past life, yes, but it is not enough to fill the void inside your heart. You need them with you.”

He met his soulmate, and now he has to live with the fact that he will never be with them. And it breaks your heart. “Have you met your soulmate ?” He asks and you shake your head. “It’s probably for the best.” You want to apologize, to say something, but it is not your fault, and he knows it. It is your parents fault.

“Wait a minute !” You say suddenly when the boy parks in front of the house. He turns to look at you with a frown. “Memories of your soulmate from your past life ? What ?” Hansol rolls his eyes, and gets out of the car. “What is wrong with you ? Have you suddenly forgotten everything?”

You go up the driveway to the front door, Hansol muttering under his breath about how dumb you had to be to forget about the most important part of the whole soulmates thing, especially after hearing your parents talk about it for years. The door opens on your mother, and she looks at you and sighs.

“You have an hour, after that, everything is leaving.” You nod, and she takes a step out of the house, and you enter. It feels weird to be in the house after your grandma’s passing. No cooking smell, no crackling sound coming from the old turntable, just an odd silence.

The door to the reading room is ajar, which is weird. Your mother particularly hate this room, so she wouldn’t have come inside. You push the door completely open, trying to ignore the weird feeling of being watched, and the faint smell of smoke. The room consists of large bookcases against the walls, frames on old pieces of furnitures and a whole lot of trinkets your grandmother loved so much.

A box on the armchair catches your attention, it is open. You take a step toward said box to put it on the floor. It contains a lot of pictures, yellowed by time and burnt at some places. Under the photos, you find letters, you notice how the ink started to disappear, the paper seems to be stained with dried tears. Everything is covered in dust, and blowing on it only makes you cough hard enough for your lungs to burn. And under a bunch of old books, you find a silver colored pouch, a medaillon is inside but it is broken. Either by time, or by the weight of the books.

“My one and only.” You read on the back of the medaillon, and before you can try and open it, the sound of broken glass makes you jump, reminding you of your dream. You put your hands on your ears to cover the noise, and it takes you a couple of minutes for your heartbeat to calm down. Finally, you get up, medaillon still in hands, and you find Hansol in the living room. “What was that ?” You ask, and he shrugs. The floor is covered with sharp pieces of glass from an old vase. “Isn’t that the vase mom wanted to sell ?”

“Well, guess she won’t have that !” Of course, you think. “Now get out of the room, I know you, you’re going to hurt yourself.” He knows you, so you go back to the reading room. You gather a few trinkets and more books into the opened box. It is sad to think it is the last time you will see this room, the last time you will smell the dust mixed with the roses. But it’s life.

“We can go.” You tell your brother who also has a box in his arms. The way back to the apartment is quiet, and it gives you the opportunity to think about the dream you had the night before. It was scary, and it felt like some sort of déjà-vu. But it was not possible, because to this day, you have never seen a car accident, and especially, you never went to Paris. And the boy.. that boy, just thinking about it brings tears to your eyes.

"Are you okay ?" Hansol asks, and you shrug slightly. "You can always talk to me, you know ?" you nod, of course you know. Your brother is the only person in your family that will always be there no matter what.

"I just had a weird dream last night, and I can't seem to forget about it. I mean, not all of it." You say, and he encourages you to continue. "Like, I can remember the details of the dream, what happened, the sound, and weirdly enough even the smell. But when I try to remember the boy I was with it's just..foggy." He laughs softly, and you turn to look at him. "What's so funny ?"

"What you had was not a simple dream." he starts. "It was memories. And the boy you can't remember ? It was probably your soulmate." It makes sense. But it was the first time you had one of those, why now ? What changed ? Your eyes widden when you remember one tiny detail. The old lady the day before. The one who asked you to pick from her book of colours. Are you in the alternate reality she told you about before you chose silver ?

"Oh my god." you whisper, and Hansol doesn't try to understand what is going on. He rolls his eyes, and he parks the car before getting out, so you follow him with the box in your arms. You feel silly for not thinking about Cyan before, it was so obvious. Especially after spending so many years without finding any kind of trace of your soulmate.

Once in your room, you put the box on the bed, and you sit opposite to retrieve the pouch with the medallion that you did not have time to watch in detail apart from the fact that it was impossible to open and the engraved words. It seems old, and it is rusty on the edges but still beautiful. You close your eyes, and you see him. You see the boy from last night.

He is smiling, his fingers brushing against the medaillon around your neck. “It is gorgeous.” he whispers fondly. “But not as gorgeous as you.” you feel the heat go up to your cheeks, and you find yourself unable to hold his gaze. He is not tall, nor muscular but he is intimidating.

“As beautiful as the medaillon is, you shouldn’t have done that.” You hear yourself say and he shrugs. Ten hasn’t been allowed to enter the Ji family’s property for several years, frankly, since you discovered he was your soulmate. Your family always hated him, that’s why this morning he entered by the window, scaring you, like the thief he is, to offer you the medaillon. “I just want you to be safe.” You whisper.

“I am always safe, the proof is that I’m here.” If at first it was hard to believe that a thief could be your soulmate, you were used to it by now, and you could no longer imagine your life without him, his loud laugh and obnoxiously bright smile. "With you here, on this earth at the same time as me, and all mine, I would never do anything that could potentially endanger me." you tried to ask him to change his way of life, but you quickly gave up. It is what makes him, him. And maybe changing your decision had something to do with the fact that it was bothering your family.

"But I can take it back, you know, if it's bothering you ?" He says in a low voice, and you shake your head covering the medaillon with both your hands.

"Hands off ! That's mine now." You take a step back, and Ten laughs. Stolen or not, it's a gift and you intend on keeping it preciously. If you knew it would cause you so much trouble, pain, you would have thrown it away without a second thought.

When you open your eyes again, you are back in your room and once again, the boy’s face fades right away. The medaillon was the same as the one you are holding, even if it was in a better state and seemingly brand new. “Why are you here ?” You mutter to the medaillon, trying to ignore the ponding headache who settled in while your eyes were closed. It was fate for you to find the medaillon in your grandmother’s room, even though you do not remember ever seeing her wearing it or even showing it to you.

You don’t really know how to take it from here, what to do or where to look. You take the silvery pouch to put the medaillon inside, but when you open it, you notice a little card. A business card. “Le bazar des rêves, antiquarian.” with the address of the shop which is not so far from your apartment. So you get up, to once again, burst into your brother's room. "Can you driv-"

"No ! Take your legs and walk." He answers before you even have time to finish your question, so you sigh. You grab your jacket, the pouch and the shop's adress. Weirdly enough, you have never seen this shop before, maybe it is just a change from the alternate reality. The surprise does not come from the objects in the shop, but rather from the person behind the counter.

"Cyan ?" You ask, and the lady turns around with a bright smile. In your memories, her hair was jetblack but now it is gray and it shines under the neon lights of the shop. It is honestly mesmerizing.

"I'm glad to see you, y/n." she begins to say, arms crossed against her chest. "I was scared you wouldn't find the medaillon in your grandmother's box." You take a step towards the counter. Is that why the door was open ? Why you felt watched in a room where you used to feel so safe during your childhood ?

"Did you put it there ? Why ? And why do I have memories about this necklace ? About the memories, is that the consequence of the alternate reality ? What am I supposed to do now ? How do I find my soulmate ?" Cyan laughs softly, so many questions in so little time. She turns around to lock the shop, and she beckons you to follow her into the back room. A wooden coffee table is in between two leather armchairs. You sit in one of them, your eyes following Cyan's every moves. "So ?"

“Let’s start with the beginning, shall we ?” When you nod, she takes a seat and starts to play with her bracelet. “The medaillon you are holding was stolen many many years ago. Unfortunately, the thief didn’t know back then that whoever would take it without the permission of its original owner would be hit with what you could call a curse. In a world where soulmates find each other in every life, they would be cursed for eleven lives."

Right now, it does not make a lot of sense to you, you wonder why she tells you all of it ? What is the connection between you and the medaillon ? "And why was I supposed to find it then ?" Cyan sighs, clearly annoyed to be cut in the middle of her explanation. "Sorry, keep going."

"If you have memories about this necklace, it's because your soulmate stole it for you. Because you are the couple cursed by it. You've been coming to see me for ten lives now. Every time, I find a new way to put the medaillon on yours or your soulmate's way, to have you come to me so I can explain once again what is going on." you get up and shake your head, muttering under your breath.

"Wait wait ! You said we would be cursed for eleven lives, right ? And now you said I came to you 10 times. It is the last life with the curse then ?" Cyan nods, finally back to her peaceful smile. "What is the curse about ? Like what is supposed to happen for eleven lives ?" She seems hesitant to answer, which is weird. You hit the ground with your feet. "Please, I need to know what to expect." 

"You are not going to like my answer." she says. "And I understand, I really do but please, don't break anything this time, it's not my fault." she takes a deep breath. "You'll have a perfect life, but you or your soulmate are destined to die before the happy ending." Your heart stops instantly. It is cruel. So much death, and so much pain for a stupid medaillon !

"So the car accident." You mutter and Cyan nods, she knows more than what she says and you are grateful for that, you are not sure you can handle more. You swallow dryly, and you sit down, suddenly dizzy.

"What are you doing ?" You ask the boy in front of you, a knee on the ground. "No seriously Ten, come on, get up !" The boy shakes his head and he takes a silver velvet case out of his pocket. He opens it on a beautiful diamond ring, and you find yourself completely mute. The piece of jewlery is stunning, and it shines under the rays of sunshine coming through the curtains of your bedroom. "Where did you steal it this time ?"

The question could break the mood, but Ten laughs out loud. "You may not believe me, but I didn't steal this one." His smile slowly fades, for a more serious look. This is the first time you have seen Ten like that, and it is different from his usual playful self. "I know I should have done this earlier. I also should have done this during our previous lives, but I guess this time I'm a little less stupid." You doubt about it, but you stay quiet.

"I understood how lucky I was the very first time I saw you, the first time my gaze landed on you. So when I learned that we were soulmates, and that we were going to find ourselves life after life? I was ecstatic, because you would be mine for eternity and nobody is as perfect as you are for me. I know, I messed up eight lives ago, but I'm trying my best every time to make our lives better, to improve myself." He says in a soft voice. "We'll find each other again and again, no matter what happens or the time it takes, I know we'll be each other in the end. But I still feel the need to ask you the question. Would you make me the happiest man on earth by marrying me ?"

Ten is a bit shy about his feelings. So hearing him speak takes your breath away, and makes your heart beat so hard in your chest that it could fall at your feet that you wouldn't be surprise. You cock your head, nodding slowly. "Of course I want to marry you Ten. In this life, and in all of the others." Ten rises and kisses you like there is no tomorrow, and it is true, you do not know how long you'll have with him each time.

"I love you, I love you so much." He whispers against your lips in between two kisses, and you smile, cupping his face. "I never thought I could be happier." He grabs your hand, and he puts the ring on your finger. The ring is gorgeous, but knowing that he didn't steal it makes it even more beautiful for you.

“I love you even more.” You say, and you open your eyes when someone clears its throat in front of you. Once again, Ten has disappeared and this time, it’s Cyan who took his place. She is handing you a cup of tea with an apologetic look, probably used of seeing you passed out. “Where can I find him ?” You ask, before sipping on the cup. Your head is pounding, you feel lightheaded and tired, but you need to know how to find him. Your body is craving his presence.

“He hasn't come yet. If you have the medaillon, he has the ring, and he probably hasn’t found it yet.” She explains. As important as the medaillon is because of the curse, the ring is important too because of its sentimental value.

"Did he come every time ?" You ask, and Cyan shakes her head after a couple of minutes.

"Sometimes he needs more informations, sometimes he does not bother and figure the situation by himself, and once even I couldn’t find the medaillon to give it to either of you. But you always found each other no matter what, so don't worry too much." It is hard not to worry. What if this time, you can't find him, then what ? Are you stuck in the alternate reality until you find him ? Are you sent back to your usual world without a clue of how or where to find him ? "Go home, have some rest." She hands you a bottle of pills she found in one of the drawers of an old dresser. "Take one, enjoy at least a night without dream, it's for your own good. I think your brain has had enough for the day."

You get up, but before leaving the shop, you turn around to ask. "What does he look like ? How am I supposed to recognize him ?"

Cyan smiles softly. "You'll know it's him, trust me."

In the two weeks following Cyan's revelation, nothing happened. No dreams, no flashbacks, nothing at all. Just a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Fortunately, you had other things to do to avoid thinking about this boy whose memories are increasingly erased as time goes by. To avoid feeling this intense fear of completely forgetting the existence of your soulmate. Because what if you did ? What if one day you woke up with nothing left of him ? What if one day, the medaillon on your bedside table was just a piece of jewelry you found at your grandmother's place ? What if one day, you were back to your usual reality with nothing ? That's a lot of scary thoughts you are trying to run away from.

Preparing for your brother's wedding was taking up a lot of your time, and you have never been more excited to go home than at that moment, the key in the lock. "What?" You whisper in disbelief when the key does not turn. Pushing the door is enough to open it, which is strange, since Hansol is getting to know his future wife on the other side of town.

Your first thought is a burglary. So you expect to find things all over the floor, and maybe broken things, but none of that. On the contrary, you hear music, and footsteps in the kitchen. You close the door silently behind you, and you walk to the kitchen where your gaze is placed on a boy cooking, a cloth on his shoulder. He hums, indifferent to what is going on around him. "Who are you ? How did you get in here ?" You ask, and he jumps, the spatula falling on the ground and he curses under his breath.

He doesn't turn around, still focusing on whatever he is cooking. "Well, you know how good I am at lock-picking, and you only have one lock on your door and I just happened to have my lock-picking set with me, so you know." He says with a shrug, and you shake your head. Who the hell is he, thinking it is alright to pick your lock. He turns around and he sighs at the frown on your face. "Fine, I'll knock next time.. but in my defense, you were not there, and I was starving."

"Who the fuck are you ?" You ask and he rolls his eyes. He turns one more time to put the pan out of the stove, and you take the time to watch him. Dark gray hair with strikes of pink, a ripped denim jacket, a pair of white jean and he is rather small. He is handsome, that's for sure, but that doesn't take away the fact that he's in your apartment, and that you don't know him.

"I'm Ten." For him, it's obvious, but it doesn't seem to be for you, given the way you look at him. He joins you, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans and he smiles, admiring your face. As beautiful as in his memories. "Your soulmate ?" From beneath his t-shirt, he pulls out a necklace with a ring in place of the pendant. The ring of your dream. The one your soulmate used to ask you to marry him.

"Oh my god." You are at loss of words, you didn't think he would find you that fast, or at all. "How ? How did you know it was me without seeing me first ?" He invites you to sit down, and you oblige.

"I found the ring, and the shop's business card. Cyan explained everything to me, and maybe I found a way to get your address. Afterwards it was quite simple. I only had to wait for someone to come out, until I could find the right person. Until I could find you. Like Cyan said, as soon as I saw you, I knew. I could have come sooner, but I wanted us to be alone. So when I saw that the boy you seemed to be living with had not returned for a few days, I took advantage of the situation and you know the rest, I broke into your apartment when nobody answered the door."

"And what would have happened if my brother had been the one finding you ?" You cock your head to the side, and he winces at the thought.

"Well, guess that my eleventh life would end before officially meeting you." You laugh, not because of the situation, but because you can't imagine your brother being mean to anybody. "But because I'm lucky, you are here. And he is not." He sighs, eating from the plate of food he made. "So, what do you think about everything ? About the curse ?"

"That it was really idiot of you from stealing this necklace !" Ten lowers his head, but he knows there is no bite to your words. "But there's no way you could've known about the curse. The curse it's cruel, and to be honest, I'm glad I can't remember everything. I had one dream where you died hit by a car, and it took me a while to forget about the pain I felt at that moment. I don't want to live that again." You say in a low voice.

“I have seen a couple of your deaths, and I agree, it’s not a pain I want to feel ever again.” Ten lost his cheeky smile at his own words, and your heart aches at the thought of having to live more than one death again. “But I guess we don’t have the choice, as we still have a life to live before our happily ever after.” You almost forgot that you still have to die once before you two can fully be happy. That’s a bummer, really.

"Is there anything we can do to change our fate ?" At your question, Ten sighs, shaking his head. "Yeah, I guess it was still worth asking."

"I asked Cyan," Ten starts, "but she said that unfortunately there was nothing we could do to change anything. I guess all we can do right now is to be extra careful with our surrondings, and try to stay as safe as possible."

You get up from your chair, Ten's plate in your hand to put it in the sink and you turn, back against the counter. "I mean, I'm always safe, but can I say the same for you ? You will have to keep your thieving hands to yourself." Ten laughs, and it sounds like music to your ears, and you begin to understand what Hansol had told you in the car. "Stay here. I'll keep your ass in lane."

And keep him in lane is what you did.

For a full month, you found things to keep Ten occupied so that he wouldn't fall back into his bad habits, so that he would not regret agreeing to move in with Hansol and you. It was complicated at times, but Ten always found a way to cheer you up, or make you think of something other than your terrible fate.

And today will be no different.

You wake up in a room that is unknown to you, after a night full of bits and pieces of memories that are forgotten as soon as you open your eyes. The rays of sunshine warm the bare skin of your legs in a pleasant way, but it is not as pleasant as Ten's body heat. His chest against your back, and his arm around your waist, you can't move but you don't mind. Ten and you are polar opposite but you didn't need a lot of time to adapt to him, to his presence, to his antics. You couldn't imagine your life without him anymore.

"Good morning, my love." Ten whispers, lips against your ear. Chills run down your spine, and you turn around to nuzzle your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his sweet scent. "Come on, your mother is going to murder me if you don't get down on time." He rubs his hand up and down your back under your shirt, and you huff. Until today, you would have never thought it was possible to love someone as much as you loved Ten.

"But I want to stay here." Your whine only makes Ten laugh and he hugs you tighter. Your heart feels warm, and so so at peace. In his arms, you forget about everything. Nothing matters except Ten, and the amount of love he has to give.

"You don't have the choice. Go, we'll find each other in a couple of hours." He kisses the top of your head and you get out of bed reluctantly. You put on the sweater he wore the day before and you leave the room, blowing him a kiss.

Today is an important day. Not for you, but for your brother. It's his wedding, and after months of preparation, you're happy to see the end of it. Even if you are apprehensive of seeing your older brother leave and spend the rest of his days with someone he will have to force himself to love, you are happy at the idea of having the apartment for you. You find your mother in one of the many rooms of the country house, and she doesn't waste a minute getting you to work. Between going back and forth to the other rooms, and your own preparations, you can't see the past two hours, you don't even have time to think about Ten or check your phone to see if he tried to contact you.

Ten is already seated in the church when you enter, followed closely by your mother who makes sure everything goes well. He rises when he sees you and your heart stops. He looks absolutely perfect with his expensive black suit, and with his blond hair. He smiles when you approach, whispering a few compliments that you can barely hear over the conversations around you. He takes your hand to give it a kiss, noticing the ring that you haven't removed since he gave it to you when you met. Not that your are engaged or anything, it is only a small reminder of your history, of your love.

“You look stunning.” He says, and you sit beside him, already feeling your cheeks burning. You nudge him in his side, and he huffs softly.

"Shut up, idiot, that's not the place." He bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing, but fortunately enough he does not have time to answer because the bride enters the church. You get up, and instead of watching her, you focus solely on Hansol. He looks uncomfortable in his suit, his bangs sticking to his forehead from the sweat, and he moves from one foot to the other.

"He looks like he is ready to pee himself." You could have whack him behind the head if your mother was not watching you, and if you weren't in a church.

"You would be in the same state than him if you had to marry someone that was not your soulmate because your parents are selfish assholes." you mutter, and you feel Ten's arm around your waist. He knows how much the situation bothers you.

"It'll be fine, don't worry. We'll find a way for him to meet his soulmate, and maybe his wife wouldn't mind having hers too." You nod, maybe you could do something for the both of them to be happy. Maybe it could be another project for Ten and you to avoid any kind of imminent death with any kind of dangerous situation Ten could bring to you.

"Yes, we'll find a way." You whisper as you sit down to watch the rest of the celebration. The vows are beautiful, but they are not sincere, and you almost expect Hansol to run out of the church but he doesn't. He kisses his bride, and they leave with the applause of the guests. "Come on, let's go pretend to be happy for them, and maybe get drunk."

Ten is more than fine with that, so he takes your hand and gets out of the church behind your family. The party takes place in the garden of the country house, and the least you can say is that it is magnificent. Well it is normal with the amount of money invested in a single marriage. A forced one at that.

The toast is rather quick, with a few memories shared by the bridesmaid and the groomsman. "Well that was awkward." Ten says, a glass of champagne in hand. You wonder how much your mother had paid your brother's best friend to keep his speech pg13. Because you know how bad and nasty some of their memories together are.

"She looks stupid when she forces herself to laugh. And Hansol looks like an imbecile standing like that. Poor kids." You sigh, gulping the rest of your own glass of champagne. "It's really sad. Especially now that I have you, that I know how good it feels to be reunited with your soulmate. I don't even want to think how they are feeling."

The boy makes you turn, cupping your face in his hands. You've never seen so much love in someone's eyes, and it makes your heart beat so much faster, so much stronger. "I love you so much y/n. The curse sucks, but do you have any idea how lucky I feel when I think about all of the lives we had together, and the lives we'll have in the future ? I could never have asked for a better soulmate, you are everything I ever wanted and even more." Ten looks like he has more to say, but he closes his mouth.

"I love you even more, Ten. Curse or not, we are lucky enough to be on this earth at the same time, every time and that's all that matters to me. Don't think about anything else." Of course, he doesn't know about the book of colours, or the alternate reality. The less he knows, the better. Right now, you content yourself with his presence. "Enjoy the moment."

Ten smiles back, hand reaching to run through your hair and he kisses you gently. Every time he kisses you, it's like a fire lights up in the pit of your stomach. It's addicting. He licks your bottom lip, and you are ready to oblige when you feel a hand on your shoulder. "Have a little decency. You'll kiss Ten at your wedding." As much as you are annoyed at your mother for interruptiong the kiss, you don't mind her comment one bit. It is actually nice to think of yours and Ten's wedding. The one you never had the chance to have even after so many lives together. Maybe the next could be the good one ?

"She hates me. She is always here when I'm trying to be a good boyfriend by showing you my love." You roll your eyes, taking a step away from him, and he backhugs you right away, watching as the newly weds dance for the first time together.

Ten never leaves your side all day, except to go and grab you another glass of champagne, or wine. And yes, maybe that by the end of the evening, you are feeling warm and tipsy. Ten is as tipsy as you are, laughing out loud every time he sees Hansol with his phone under the groom's table, or when he tramples your feet every time he lures you onto the dance floor.

The hangover is going to be long and painful, but you don't care. You bath in the warmth of Ten's body, and for the first time ever, you feel happy, truly happy. And you don't want the night to end. But it has to.

"Let's head to bed." Ten smiles, lips against the skin of your neck.

The way to the room is pretty dangerous and long, mostly because of the stairs and your lack of sense of direction. Ten clings to your arm, laughing softly, complimenting everything from the walls to the frames, and even the door handles. You try to open several doors before finding the one of your room, and you scream, victorious.

"Oh shit." You mutter when you hear the guest in the next room groaning. "Sorry to whoever you are, it was not me." You enter the room, and without even taking the time to undress, you drop on the bed. He lies down next to you, turning on his side to put his face on your chest, and you thread your fingers through his blonde hair. You want to open your mouth, say something, but the silence is comforting. And soon you hear his breathing calm down. Ten is asleep. You close your eyes, and fall into a deep slumber fairly quickly, probably because of the alcohol.

When you wake up the next morning, you are surprised to feel the comforter covering your body, and the cushion under your head, because in your memories, you fell asleep across the bed, Ten against you. When you open your eyes, a sob leaves your lips. The light is too intense, but it is nothing against the migraine that keeps you from thinking.

"Ten ?" You swallow, your mouth is dry and feels like cotton. You turn your head cautiously, and you smile softly. A bottle of water is placed next to a bottle of aspirine on the bedside table. You straighten to swallow one of the pills, your eyes focusing on the note next to the lamp.

"My love, first of all, I want to apologize for the words that you are about to read. And I really hope you can understand. The last two months with you have been incredible, I could never have asked for more. I do not know if I have ever been as happy as I am since I met you. Last night made me realize that even if I love you more than anything in the world, we cannot be together. We will not have our happy ending in this life, that's why I decided to leave. I can't imagine losing you, seeing you die before my eyes without being able to change the course of things. And I don't want to have to think about the pain you might feel if I died in your arms. I only ask you for one thing: don't look for me. Be happy, don't put yourself in unnecessary danger, because we both know we will find each other again. I don't know where, or even when, but I know from the bottom of my heart that you will wait for me as much as it's needed, as I would wait for you until the end. Don't be mad, please. I love you. Ten."

The paper is stained by the tears running down your cheeks, and the ink is already starting to fade. Is that the pain of losing someone you love that you are feeling? The pain of a broken heart? Because if that's it, you refuse to feel it any longer. It's too much for you. You get up, unable to breathe. The room is too small, and too hot, it's stuffy. Everything is too much.

"I cant. I can't do it. Please take me back. I don't want this life if Ten is not in it. Please." You fall on your knees, not even blinking at the burn of the carpet. It hurts, it's unbearable. "Please, please." You close your eyes, lying on the side with your knees against your chest. "Bring me back !" You scream, your voice breaking into a painful sob. You are overreacting, you know that, but you can’t help, it hurts so much.

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be," Hansol says with a sigh. "living with her." You stop dead in your track to look at your older brother who came to visit you. It is not something you thought you would ever hear from him, but you are glad. Even if it's not the happiness he was expecting all his life, he still deserves it.

"Really ? That's good then." The older boy nods.

"Mostly because I took your advice. I had a talk with her about our respective soulmates." you lower your gaze on the ground for a second but you tell him to keep going, no matter how much it hurts to hear anything related to a soulmate. "We decided to stay together for the parents, to do what they expect us to do whilst trying to make things work with our soulmates. And so far, it's been great."

You turn to the door of the shop, key in your hand as Hansol puts his hand on your shoulder to force you to look at him. "He'll find you." You told Hansol about Cyan, and her book of colours, the time you had in the alternate reality, and even if at first he had a hard time believing you and your words, he finally came around after a few months.

"It's been a year already.. I don't know, I wonder if having hope is not as bad as losing it." When you woke up that one morning after you brother's wedding in the other reality, on your own and full of memories of Ten, you ran to the shop to ask Cyan if the life you had there was counted as one, or if you still had to see him die before your well deserved happy ending. You remember crying to the point of passing out when Cyan told you that yes, the time you had in the alternate reality was indeed counted a full life. You being back meant that you could finally have your happy ever after. But when ? You didn’t know.

And since then, you had started to see him everywhere. At the corner of a street, waiting in front of your apartment, but it was only your mind playing tricks on you every time.

"Don't lose hope. He promised, remember ?" You nod, and he kisses the top of your head. "I have to go, but I'll come back next week, alright ?" And with that, the boy leaves.

You finally open the door of the shop, and you open the lights ones after the other, inhaling the familiar scent of dust. A few months ago, Cyan contacted you to offer you a job in her shop. She thought that maybe it would be easier for you to find Ten. You had doubts at first, and yet you come to work every morning. Sitting behind the counter, you watch the passers-by behind the window, hoping that one day it will be Ten. But so far, no success.

Working at "Le bazar des rêves" is interesting. You like hearing stories behind some of the objects people are bringing in, even if most of them are heartbreaking, maybe you need that sort of pain to help you stay sane. You turn the pages of an old book when the door opens, but when you look up, no one is there. You shrug, the wind likes to scare you sometimes. Or maybe it is a spirit using an object as a vessel, who knows. Cyan told you some crazy stories.

"Excuse me, I found this ring with the adress of the shop ?" The voice makes you jump, not because of how familiar it sounds, but because you weren't expecting anyone. Your face break into a smile when your eyes land on a boy with long pink hair, and brown eyes ready to turn into a sunset of its own with the slightlest ray of sunshine.

"Oh, this ring is really special, would you like to hear its story ?" The boy seems incapable of taking his eyes off of you, you can practically hear the conflicts inside his heads as he tries to remember if he ever met you before, and why everything about you feels familiar. Like his body remembered something his brain couldn't.

"I'd like that, I guess." You beckon him to follow you in the backroom of the shop.

Hansol was right. Ten did promise.

[fairyqueenofthedragons]

The Magic Begins

Fablekingdom chapter 2

As I'm following canon set up of chapters, it starts with set up still. I am trying to show a slightly different dynamic between the siblings, while keeping the spirit of it. There will be bigger changes later on, but obviously the beginning is hard to change majorly, especially just arriving lol.

(Find Chapter One with a server of “Fk ch 1)

Hope you enjoy the chapter :D

Come chat with me on discord: https://discord.gg/8Vc6w9JWxv

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Kendra had been sitting in the car for hours.

She and Seth had done just about everything they could think of to handle the boredom, but she’d finished her two books, they’d played a dozen rounds of tic-tac-toe, and he’d moved onto trying to beat her at chopsticks (that game with your fingers). Seth had had a few comics, but he’d gone through them faster then she had her books. Even his handheld video game couldn’t hold his attention anymore.

“I thought you said that Grandpa Sorenson lived in Connecticut, not India,” Seth grumbled.

Mom sighed, having listened to Seth’s complaints for the last hour, “It won’t be much longer. Enjoy the scenery.”

She’d said that the last six times.

“It’s boring! I’m hungry, can we stop for food?”

Kendra was on Seth’s side here; the scenery was boring.

Mom pulled up the grocery bag full of snacks, “How about some Peanut butter and crackers instead?”

Seth shot Kendra a pained look but reached for the crackers regardless.

“Ooh, I want some Almond Roca,” Dad said without taking his eyes from the road.

He’s still managed to keep to his New Year’s resolution of keeping Almond Roca on hand at all times.

“Do you want anything Kendra?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Kendra turned her gaze outside as Seth munched on his snack. When was this drive going to be over? At least Grandfathers house can’t be as boring as this drive.

Honestly, Kendra wasn’t happy they were being sent off to stay with their grandparents just because of some cruise. She wished her family would just let them come with… or maybe just her, Seth might be too young (and too annoying).

They would be gone for seventeen days! Kendra couldn’t believe they’d just leave them like this.

They’re getting it for free, them and all the aunts and uncles on her mom’s side. They didn’t win a contest or anything to get it, they got the cruise because Kendra’s grandparents had asphyxiated.

Grandma and Grandpa Larsen had been visiting relatives in South Carolina. Unfortunately, the trailer they lived in had some gas leak and they’d all died in their sleep. The grandparents had specified a long time ago that when they died all their kids and spouses were to use an allocated sum of money to go on a Scandinavian cruise.

Grandchildren were not invited.

“We’re almost there kids!” Kendra’s dad said cheerfully.

“Yay,” Seth grumbled. “Then you guys can abandon us for your fancy cruise.”

“Won’t you get bored stuck on a boat for seventeen days?” Kendra asked hopefully.

Dad caught her eye in the rearview mirror. “The food is supposed to be incredible, top reviews. Snails, fish eggs, the works. It’s gonna be great.”

Mom wacked his arm.

“We’re not all that excited about the trip kids,” Mom said sadly. “I doubt your grandparents envisioned an accidental death when they made the request. The cruise is to honor their memory more than for fun.”

“What kind of death did they plan then?” Seth muttered.

Kendra couldn’t help but agree, who planned their death?

The ship stops in ports as you go,” Dad said, deliberately redirecting the conversation. “You get to disembark for part of the time.”

“Are you at least going to get us something?” Kendra asked. “If you’re just going to leave us at your parent’s house.”

“Of course we will dear,” Mom reassured. “We’ll get you some chocolates, maybe some books, maybe there will be cool jewelry!”

“I want a sword,” Seth said. “A sharp one.”

“I think it’s great for you kids that you get to stay with my parents,” Dad added. “I mean, they never invite anyone to stay with them. It’s definitely better than some cruise.”

Kendra shared a look with Seth, their parents were full of it.

“They’re hermits,” Seth argued. “We barely know them!”

“They’re my parents,” Dad said. “I survived, you’ll have fun.”

The car passed through a small town, only a few buildings lined the road, many seeming old a run down. There didn’t appear to be anything more interesting than a small library at the corner.

“It’s very exciting,” Dad continued. “Like I said, they never invite anyone. You’ll have a blast.”

Kendra tried hard not to roll her eyes. She knew for a fact that they hadn’t been invited. Kendra had overheard their mom when she approached Grandpa Sorenson about letting the kids stay with him at the funeral.

The funeral itself hadn’t been fun at all, it was creepy seeing her grandparents all dressed up fancy with lots of makeup. It didn’t look like them at all.

Those grandparents, the Larsen’s, they were the ones that they’d known. They’d come to lots of holidays and done many long visits with Kendra’s family. But Kendra couldn’t remember seeing the Sorenson’s much since Seth had started second grade.

Grandma and Grandpa Sorenson had inherited an estate in Connecticut around the time her parents were married. All the stories she’d heard were fantastical, filled with fairies and demons and witches. They were obviously fake, it made her think the place was something very boring.

Honestly, everyone was shocked when grandpa Sorenson had shown up at the funeral. It’d been more than eighteen months since either grandparent had visited anywhere.

He’d apologized that Grandma Ruth hadn’t been able to come, she’d fallen ill, but it really was the norm for only one to show up.

But at the end Kendra had overheard Mom talking to Grandpa Sorenson, cajoling him into watching her and Seth. She’d been heading to the bathroom but paused when she’d overheard them at the corner.

“Why can’t they stay with Marci?”

“Normally they would, but Marci is coming on the cruise.”

Kendra had risked a peek and seen Grandpa Sorenson standing across from her mom.

“Where are Marci’s kids going?”

“To her in-laws.”

“What about a baby-sitter?”

Grandpa had seemed almost pleading then, his expression tight.

“Two and a half weeks is a long time for a sitter. You’ve mentioned before something about having them over…”

“Yes, I do recall… But does it have to be late June? What about July?”

“The cruise is on a time frame. What’s the difference?”

He’d rubbed his face with a sigh.

“Things are extra busy then… I don’t know, Marla. I’m not that good with kids. Is there no where else they could go?”

“I’m sorry Stan,” Mom said, sounding on the verge of tears. “I know things are busy for you, and I don’t want to go on this cruise. You did so good with them when they were younger, I know you don’t see them often but… This cruise was important to my parents, so I want to go for them. If you can’t take care of the kids we can stay behind-“

“No,” Grandpa Sorenson interrupted with a sigh. “It’s fine. I’m sure we can find some place to lock them up.”

So, no, Grandpa Sorenson did not invite them.

Seth finished his crackers and pulled his game back out, flipping through the cartridges.

“Which game should I play?”

Kendra leaned over, “The fashion one.”

He rolled his eyes, “That one is just for character design.”

“Then make an elf.”

“I don’t want to!”

“You asked which you should do.”

“Nevermind, your suggestion is dumb.”

Seth ended up picking a fighting game and started it up.

Kendra got bored of watching quickly and turned to look out the windows. The trees were large and dark, little light slipping through the branches.

She jolted when they turned onto a gravel driveway.

“Look at that sign,” Seth said.

She followed his finger to see signs hanging on the side of the road.

Private Property

No Trespassing

Trespassers Will Be Persecuted

Please respect our privacy

“What are all these signs?” Kendra muttered.

“Oh, you know Grandpa Sorenson,” her dad said cheerfully. “Such a sense of humor.”

“I think they’re funny,” Seth declared. “Can we get some for our house?”

Kendra frowned at them as the car continued up the long driveway, no house anywhere in sight.

There were more signs as they went.

Beware of the Dog

We do not call 911

Beware of .12 Gauge

No Public Access at any Time

Owner Shoots

Kendra leaned back. This seems so… pleasant.

“I like that one,” Seth said pointing at the Owner Shoots sign.

Kendra shook her head as they finally reached the end of the driveway. Before them was a wrought-iron fence topped with fleurs-de-lis. Open in their path was a large double gate. She peered around but couldn’t see the end of the fence through the trees.

Even after passing through the gates there was still no sign of the house through the trees, until suddenly the trees cut off.

A large house came into view suddenly. It wasn’t quite a mansion, but was definitely larger than most houses Kendra had seen.

It was constructed out of dark wood and stone, old looking but solid and in good shape. The grounds around it were much more impressive though. There was a massive flower garden blooming in front of the house, with manicured hedges and a fish pond. It seemed to wrap around the side of the house too. Kendra wondered what flowers there were, and if there was a vegetable garden as well.

Further back Kendra could see a massive barn, at least five stories tall and topped with a large weather vane that she couldn’t quite make out but seemed shaped like an animal, but not a rooster.

“Oh, it’s lovely,” Mom said. “I wish we were all staying.”

Kendra blinked, “You’ve never been here?”

“No,” Mom said sadly. “Your father came here a few times before we were married.”

Dad nodded, “Yeah. There are some wild stories about this place, haha, I’ve told you a few of them.”

Seth yawned, “Yeah, like the evil witch in a shack.”

“Or the demon in the chapel.”

“Aren’t there trolls over one hill?”

Their dad laughed, “Yeah, my dad used to tell some wild stories. You should hear the ones Aunt Sophie would tell sometimes. She swears she met satyrs one time.”

The two shared an exasperated look.

“Anyways, you’ll have a blast. We never stayed long, but it was always entertaining. Worst comes to worst you can just hang out in the pool.”

Kendra rolled her eyes. Honestly, they were too old to believe all those fairy tales.

The car pulled to a stop just outside the garage as the front door open.

Grandpa Sorenson stepped out, followed by a tall, lanky man and a thin, older woman. Mom, Dad, Seth, and Kendra hopped out of the car.

The older woman was unfamiliar to Kendra, and so was the man. The woman had white hair streaked with black strands, and yet her face seemed ageless, her age impossible to place. Her skin was a tawny olive tone that appeared completely flawless, her black hair was pin-straight and framed her face.

The man had messy brown hair to go with matching brown eyes that studied them intently. He came over to the van, helping Dad open the back and begin removing suitcases.

“Just place the things inside,” Grandpa told Dad. “Dale will take them up to the bedroom.”

“Where’s Mom?” Dad asked looking around.

“She’s visiting your Aunt Edna.”

Dad looked surprised. “In Missouri?”

“Edna’s dying,” Grandpa said grimly.

Kendra had barely heard of Aunt Edna, and never met her, so she wasn’t that affected by it. Dad seemed upset thought.

She shifted awkwardly, studying the house to distract herself from their conversation.

The windows were cool, with bubbly glass. And there were bird nests under the eaves. She also noticed a lot of butterflies fluttering around.

Mom suddenly drew their attention and Seth and her scrambled to gather their things from the car and shove it all in their backpacks to bring in.

“I’ll grab the pillows if you grab the blankets?” Seth offered.

“Sure,” Kendra agreed, reaching for the blanket Seth had brought for napping on the car ride while he snagged her pillow.

Seth also snagged his ‘emergency kit’, a cereal box filled with odds and ends he thought would come in handy.

The two hurried after their parents, reaching them at the front door.

“Oh, there you are,” Mom said. “Got everything?”

“Yeah,” Seth huffed. “Except a ticket to go on the cruise.”

Mom sighed, ruffling Seth’s hair. “We’ll miss you too.”

He groaned, swiping at her hand as she turned to Kendra.

“Watch out for your brother, and both of you stay out of trouble, okay?”

Kendra nodded, “We’ll do our best.”

“So who’s this?” Dad was asking Grandpa.

“This is Lena, our housekeeper,” Grandpa said. “She helps around the house while Dale helps me tend to the grounds.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dad said.

“A pleasure,” Lena agreed with a soft accent. Kendra couldn’t quite place it, yet it reminded her of the ocean.

Lena opened the door, beckoning them inside.

“Oh, the home is beautiful,” Mom said. “I wish we had time for a tour.”

“Maybe when you get back,” Grandpa offered.

Kendra looked around. The house really was beautiful.

The glossy wood floors shone in the light and a low table in the entry hall held a beautifully painted ceramic vase with wilting flowers placed in it. There was a tall, brass coatrack off to one side beside a black bench with a high, carved back. It looked old and very interesting.

“Thank you again for letting the kids stay with you,” Dad said. “I don’t know what we would’ve done without you.”

Grandpa nodded, looking a bit awkward.

“It’s our pleasure.”

“I wish we could visit some,” Dad said. “But we’re on a really tight schedule.”

Grandpa pat his shoulder, “I understand, another time. Don’t let us keep you from your trip.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

Dad turned to Kendra and Seth, ruffling Seth’s hair.

“Have fun kids, we’ll be back before you know it.”

“Be good,” Mom said, hugging Kendra then Seth. “Do whatever Grandpa Sorenson tells you.”

Kendra sniffed, tears welling up. She swallowed hard and nodded, “Have a fun cruise.”

“Bring us back souvenirs,” Seth reminded.

Mom laughed, “The best ones.”

“We love you kids,” Dad said as he headed to the door.

Mom hugged them both one last time then went after him.

Kendra hurried after them, watching as they climbed into the SUV and start it up. Dad honked the horn as he pulled out, turning around and driving away. Kendra watched until the SUV vanished into the trees.

She tried not to think that her parents were probably relieved to be off without Seth and her. They were probably delighted for the vacation, not caring that they’d abandoned their two kids alone in a pretty, but creepy home with a grandparent they barely know.

Seth was poking around the entrance room, poking at one of the cabinets and picking up one of the intricate pieces of a decorative chess set.

Grandpa stood awkwardly, watching Seth and wincing when Seth put down a piece too hard.

“Leave the chess pieces alone,” Kendra told Seth. “They look expensive and breakable.”

“It’s fine,” Grandpa said, looking relieved when Seth put them down. He cleared his throat, “Shall I show you to your room?”

“Okay,” Seth said. “When’s lunch?”

Grandpa coughed, “It’s a bit past lunch but we can make you a snack to hold you till dinner.”

Seth nodded eagerly, “I’m starving.”

Kendra followed silently as Grandpa went up the stairs and down a carpeted hall to the foot of a narrow wooden staircase leading up to a white door.

“We don’t often have guests, especially children,” Grandpa explained. “I think you’ll be the most comfortable in the attic.”

Kendra was expecting something dark and musty, like the attic back home, but when he opened the door she saw it was actually very nice.

It was set up like a cheerful playroom. Spacious, clean, and bright, the long room had two beds at the far end, one wall covered in bookshelves and a couple of dressers, and the other held two wardrobes and some toy chests. There was a unicorn rocking horse sitting to the side, and a full dollhouse in one corner with a small piano in the other. Sitting beside of one of the dressers was a hen in a cage.

Seth went straight for the chicken. “Cool!” He poked a finger through the slender bars, trying to pet the soft looking feathers.

“Be careful, Seth,” Kendra warned. “Be gentle.”

“He’ll be fine,” Grandpa soothed. “Goldilocks is more a house pet than a barnyard hen. Your grandmother usually takes care of her, but since she’s gone I thought you kids might enjoy taking care of her for now. You’ll need to feed her, clean her cage, and collect her eggs.”

Seth looked delighted, “She lays eggs?”

“An egg or two a day if you keep her well fed,” Grandpa confirmed, motioning to a white plastic bucket full of kernels. “One scoop in the morning and in the evening should be good. I’ll show you how to change the lining of her cage in a few days. Make sure she has plenty of water and a tiny bowl of milk each morning.”

“Milk?”

He smiled mysteriously, “That’s the secret behind the eggs.”

“Can we take her out?” Seth asked, now stroking her feathers.

“Be gentle,” Grandpa said. “And put her back after.”

“Is it okay for us to play with the toys?” Kendra asked, studying the dollhouse. “Some of these look expensive.”

“Toys should be played with,” Grandpa said. “Just try to take care of them and that will be enough.”

“Awesome,” Seth said, going over to the piano and banging on the keys.

Kendra blinked, the notes sounded different than a piano. She couldn’t quite place what was off.

“While you stay here, this room is your space,” Grandpa said. “Within reason of course. I won’t pick up this space, nor bother you about it, as long as you treat the rest of the house with respect.”

“Alright,” Kendra agreed.

“Sounds good,” Seth nodded.

“I also have some unfortunate news. We’re in the height of tick season, have you heard of Lyme disease?”

Seth shook his head, but Kendra considered for a moment.

“I think so, but I can’t remember what it is.”

“It was originally discovered in the town of Lyme, Connecticut, not too far from here. You can catch it from tick bites, and during tick season the woods here are full of ticks.”

“What’s it do?” Seth asked.

“It starts out as a rash,” Grandpa said. “But it leads to arthritis, paralysis, and heart failure. And on top of that, ticks in general are bad to have. If you try to pull them off the heads detach, makes them hard to remove.”

“Gross,” Kendra muttered.

Grandpa nodded, “They’re very small and hard to see, at least until they fill up on blood, then they get as large as grapes.”

“Wow,” Seth said. “Can’t you just use bug spray?”

Grandpa nodded, “That can help, but isn’t a guarantee. The point is, you kids aren’t allowed to go into the woods. Stay on the lawn, play in the pool, explore the gardens, but stay away from the woods. I won’t be taking you to the hospital for Lyme disease.”

They both nodded.

“Good. As long as you follow that rule it’ll be fine. Break it and I’ll have to take away your outdoor privileges for your own safety.”

Seth winced, “Right, got it.”

“We understand,” Kendra assured him.

Grandpa nodded again, looking satisfied.

“One last thing,” he continued. “You’ll also need to stay out of the barn. There’s a lot of old tools and ladders and rusty pieces of farm equipment. I don’t want to risk you getting injured or getting tetanus.”

“Okay,” Seth agreed easily.

“Sounds reasonable,” Kendra said.

“Is there a TV?” Seth asked, poking at a canvas on an easel by one of the toy chests.

“No TV, or radio. We don’t get good reception out here, and it’s very expensive to run lines out.”

“When’s dinner?”

“In a few hours, Lena will be bringing up a snack for you soon. On that note, if you need anything, go to Lena. I’m very busy handling the upkeep of the property, so Lena will help with whatever you need.” He motioned to a purple cord hanging against the wall near one of the beds. “Tug the cord if you need her.”

“Alright, will we eat in one of the dining rooms?”

Grandpa nodded, “When I’m able to join you yes. On the days I’m too busy, like today, you can eat in here, in the kitchen, or anywhere else in the house. As long as you keep everything relatively clean you’re free to eat where you’re comfortable.”

“Wow,” said Seth. “Mom and Dad never let us eat in our rooms!”

Grandpa’s lips twitched, “Well, if it seems you can’t clean up after yourselves I may put a limit on it. But for now, you’re free to eat where you please.”

“Awesome,” Seth muttered.

Kendra’s smiled, that did sound nice.

“Now then, I need to go and complete my chores. I’ll likely not see you again till tomorrow.” He turned to leave but paused, pulling out a tiny key ring from his coat pocket. “Each of these keys fit something in this room. See if you can figure out what each unlocks.”

Kendra accepted the keyring curiously and Grandpa headed out, shutting the door gently behind him.

Seth had opened a toy chest now and was examining the contents. The toys were old-fashioned but in excellent condition. Soldiers, dolls, puzzles, stuffed animals, wooden blocks, some blocks shaped like logs, and others.

Kendra went to the window, a telescope put before it. She tried to peer through the eyepiece but couldn’t get it to focus right no matter how much she adjusted the knobs.

Pulling away she studied the window, realizing they were made of bubbly glass like the front of the house.

She unfastened the latch, pushing the window open. Even without the telescope she could see far into the forest. She moved the telescope closer and peered through it. After a moment of adjusted the knobs she could see even the leaves of the trees in clear detail.

“Oh, let me see,” Seth said, peering over her shoulder.

“Give me a bit, I just started looking.”

“But I wanna see.”

“Go play with the toys some,” Kendra huffed. “I’ll let you look after I’m done.”

“But sharing is caring,” Seth insisted.

“I said you could look, let me use it first though. I was using it already.”

Seth squinted, “What are you even looking at?”

“The trees.”

“Boring, let me see. I’ll look at something more interesting.”

Kendra rolled her eyes but stepped away, not wanting to deal with his whining.

“Fine but let me close the window. I don’t want bugs to come in.”

“Sure, whatever,” Seth studied the telescope as she closed the window and went off to study the dressers.

They were carved elegantly with fairies and unicorns and fiery birds.

She ran her fingers over the intricate patterns, she wished she had something like this at home.

She shook her head, going to look at the wardrobes, it reminded her of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. She wondered if she stepped in would she find a mystical land on the other side.

“This stupid thing won’t even focus,” Seth complained.

Kendra smiled.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to reblog and leave a review, they feed my soul.

What did you think of the room? What changes do you think their foreknowledge will bring? What things did you dislike from the original series that you'd like changed?

lmk if you’d like to be tagged.

[calpalirwin]

Parent Teacher Conference

A/N: Anon request- Okay but single dad ashton au where he doesnt wanna risk getting his kid involved with a woman but ur the new teacher for them and yall meet and he falls madly for u

Content: All the feels! And swearing.

And away, and away we go!

~~~

“C’mon, Seb, get a move on,” I called out, peeking my head into the bathroom.

My carbon-copy of a son with a mop of brown-blond curls turned to me, toothbrush in his mouth, and grinned. “Dad! I’m in big kid school now!” his voice muffled around the toothbrush.

“Yeah, and you’re gonna be late if you don’t step it up a notch.”

4th grade. My 9 year old was going into 4th grade. I choked back the memories, refusing to cry, because “Dad, stop crying, it’s only 4th grade.”

“You’re right, bud, it’s only 4th grade,” I had told him, tucking him into bed last night. To him, it was only 4th grade. For me, this was also the anniversary of the day his mom left us 8 years ago.

I looked at my son, his brand new sneakers that would have scuff marks on them when I picked him up later, a long sleeved flannel tied around his waist. God, if it weren’t for the fact that he was clearly me- the eyes and the giggle were a dead give away- I swear he was Luke’s. “Uncle Lu tell you to dress like that?” I asked.

The curls bounced as his head bobbed up and down. “He said it was cool. And I wanna be cool, Dad. It’s 4th grade.”

I imitated my head exploding. God, when did this kid grow up? Seemed like just yesterday his entire body could fit in my hands.

“Dad? Dad!”

I shook my head, clearly the thoughts. “Yeah, bud?”

“Can we go now?” he asked, a Spider-Man backpack slung over one of his shoulders.

“C’mon, then,” I smiled.

~~~

It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried dating since Seb’s mom left us. I had. I was just very selective. I didn’t want to bring a woman home, have things go wrong, and be left to pick up not only my broken pieces but my son’s as well.

My heart was one thing. I’d been known to be reckless with it. But, my son’s was another matter entirely. He was too young to know heartache.

Plus every time I had to cancel a date last minute because Seb got sick, or left a date early because Seb called me in tears asking where I was, didn’t lend itself to much romance. Girls could go on and on about how hot single dads were, but what they failed to realize is that my son would always be my number 1 priority.

~~~

“Mr. Irwin, I’d like to talk to you about Sebastian. Is there anyway you can meet with me after school? Say 2:45?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. School had only been in session for a month. It couldn’t be time for parent-teacher conferences already. Which only meant one thing- something had happened with Seb. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Who was that?” Calum asked me.

“Seb’s teacher. She wants to talk with me after school.”

“Isn’t his teacher hot?” Mike asked.

“What? No… I mean, she’s attractive, sure. But, she’s his teacher.”

“Ooo, Ash like the teacher!” Luke teased.

I felt my face flush. Alright, maybe I did a little. She was attractive, stunningly so, and she was a teacher. Which meant she understood kids. And maybe, that just might mean she understood single dads.

~~~

“Hello?” I asked, sticking my head in the classroom at 2:45.

The bell had rung fifteen minutes ago and I still hadn’t seen my son. Now, I saw why, as he was hunched in his desk reading, a scowl on his face.

“Dad!” his face lit up when he heard my voice.

“Keep reading, Sebastian,” his teacher’s voice said firmly.

“Yes ma’am…”

“Mr. Irwin, glad you could make,” she smiled softly at me. “Please, have a seat.”

I moved to sit in chair she had just besides her desk. “So, you wanted to talk?” I asked.

“Yes. It seems your son had an incident with a classmate on the playground today.”

“Seb?” I asked, fighting to keep my voice level.

“Alex is a jerk! And she took away my recess!” he shouted at me.

“Sebastian,” both his teacher and I warned, and then I had to work at keeping the smile off my face.

“Anyway,” she said, turning her attention back to me. “There was an incident. Both boys lost their recess privileges for the rest of this week and next week.”

“You keep saying ‘incident,’ what happened exactly?”

“I keep saying ‘incident,’ Mr. Irwin, because your son is an incredibly… strong-willed individual.”

“You can just say he’s stubborn. And it’s Ash, please.”

“I prefer the term strong-willed, Ash,” she smiled at me again and I liked the way it was genuine and soft, her eyes crinkling at the edges. And I liked the way my name sounded rolling off her lips. And I was in trouble.

“So, my stubborn son won’t tell you what happened?”

“Precisely. And I’m not one to involve admin if I can help it. But in order to not involve admin, I need to know what happened. That’s where I’m hoping you can come in.”

“Seriously, Seb? She just said she’s not gonna send you to the principal, and you’re mad she took away recess from you?”

“She wouldn’t take my recess away if she knew what Alex said!” His book was now closed and clenched in his fists, vibrating with his tiny rage.

“Sebastian, I would love to know what Alex said,” she told him, keeping herself calm even though my son was far from it himself. Was that a special gift all teachers had, or just her? “But, every time I ask, you just tell me he was being a jerk. Maybe you’d like to tell your dad instead?”

“He is a jerk!” he screamed, throwing his book. “He’s… he’s… he’s a fuckin asshole!”

“Sebastian James Irwin! What the hell has gotten into you? Start explaining yourself, now!”

His face scrunched up as he realized I was now angry with him. “He said I didn’t have a mom!” he wailed at me before bursting into tears and running out of the classroom.

I fell back in my seat, watching him run off, my heart shattering in my chest. He was right. This Alex kid was a fuckin asshole.

“You okay?” her voice sounded, her hand touching mine.

“I thought I was doing everything right…”

“You are. Sebastian is by far one of the best students I’ve had. He’s so kind and polite to everybody. He’s funny, too. Which is why today surprised me. It seemed so out of character.”

“I better go after him,” I sighed, getting up.

“I’ll come with,” she offered, getting up herself.

It was the first time a girl had offered to come with me before when dad duty called. I couldn’t help it. I smiled at her.

“Now, I see where Sebastian gets his smile from,” she smiled back.

~~~

We found him huddled in the corner of the highest part of the play structure.

“Would you get down, please?” I asked from the ground. Climbing up there myself was going to be a bitch.

“No! Go away! I hate you!”

“Love you too, bud!”

“Where’s my mom?”

“I don’t know, bud. Come down so we can talk, please.”

“No!”

“That wasn’t a question, Seb.”

“I don’t care!”

“You have to the count of 3 to get down here, or I’m coming up there,” I said, really hoping I didn’t have to go up there after him. “1.”

“No!”

“2!”

“I hate you!”

3!” I started my ascent. My kid, the fuckin brat that he was, waited until I was on the middle platform before launching himself down the slide. “You stay right there,” I warned, moving to go back down.

“Sebastian,” I heard her voice say as he started to run. “Are we making smart choices right now, or are we acting on impulse?”

“Impulse…” he answered, stopping in his tracks.

“And, what do we want to do?”

“Make smart choices…”

“So, what do we do to calm our impulses, so we can make smart choices?”

“Breathe…”

“Alright, breathe with me. Ready?”

“Yeah…”

“And, inhale, 3, 4, 5, 6. Hold. Exhale, 4, 3, 2 , 1,” she coached as I watched. Was she trying to make me fall in love with her? “Better?”

“Better…”

“Alright, you ready to tell us what’s wrong?”

“Alex said-” he started, already getting upset again.

She held up a finger. “Calmly, Sebastian. What upset you?”

“My feelings were hurt when Alex said I didn’t have a mom.”

“Why?”

“Because it made me feel sad.”

“Why?”

“Because I have Dad. And Uncle Cal, Lu, and Mikey. And grandma. And Auntie Lauren, and Uncle Harry. And Auntie Crystal and Auntie Sierra.”

“Wow, sounds like you have a lot of people who love you.”

“But, I don’t have a mom…”

“Lots of people don’t have moms. Or dads. Spider-Man didn’t have his parents. Was he still loved?”

“Yeah…”

“So, what’s wrong?”

“Am I broken?”

“No, Seb,” I finally spoke up. Great. My life had come full circle. I was the man without a dad, raising a son without a mom. And now he was asking himself the same questions I used to ask myself. I crouched down to be eye level with him. “You know why you don’t have a grandpa?”

“Because… I dunno…”

“Because I don’t have a dad.”

“Where is your dad?”

“I dunno. But what I do know is that I’m not broken. And neither are you.”

“Are they in Heaven or…?” he asked, struggling with the concept of someone just abandoning him like it was nothing. Death made sense. But just straight up leaving your kid? Hell, even I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.

“No. I wish that were the case, but, no. They just left.”

“So, they didn’t want us…? Why?”

“I dunno, bud. But, I know that I want you. And I know that all your aunties, uncles, and grandma want you. We love you, Seb, and you’re always gonna have us. Promise.”

He nodded, seeming to accept that our love would be enough for him. Then, “Hey, Dad?”

“Yeah, bud?”

“Can Miss Y/L/N come with us to get ice cream?”

“Oh, you think you’re getting ice cream after this stunt? Keep dreamin, pal!”

“But, you promised if I got on A on my test we’d get ice cream. Show him, Miss! Show him my test!”

She laughed and nodded. “Sebastian did get an A on his fractions test. Perfect score in fact.”

“See? Pay up, Daddy-o!” Seb laughed at me.

“Who taught you to call me ‘Daddy-o’, Seb?” I asked, giggling.

“Uncle Lu!”

I laughed again. Of course it was. “Alright. But only 1 scoop.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said skipping off.

“So, would it be too forward if I asked you to ice cream? I mean, the kid… he’s been through a lot today. You don’t wanna break his heart, do ya?”

She laughed. “You rely on him to get all your dates?”

“Only the ones that are worth it. You’re great with him. He really likes having you as a teacher.”

“I really like having him as a student. I hear his dad’s pretty cute, too.”

“Cute dad, huh? Did you hear he’s single?”

“Oh, wow. Did you hear his teacher’s single too, and happens to love ice cream?”

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Half Blood, Whole Heart: Part 8

Pairings: Jax x Reader, sister Winchester!reader- SOA/SPN Crossover

Warnings: Swearing, fluff. angst.... lots of angst. Mild violence toward a pregnant woman..... (She’s fine, don’t worry. I’m not cruel.)

Word Count: 3,808

A/N: So I decided to repost my novel- the story that someone stole from my old blog and put up on Wattpad. PLEASE don’t be an asshole and steal my stories. It CRUSHED me when it happened and almost ran me off Tumblr.

Half Blood, Whole Heart Masterlist    Aesthetic by @ravenangel33​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Sam, what’s up?” You asked as Jax pulled back into the hospital parking lot a three hours later.

“Hey, so two things. Dean has been cleared to go home- just gotta wait for the paperwork and dad’s back.”

“When did dad get back?” You asked as you got off the bike and your husband gave you a tight lipped smile.

“Couple minutes ago but he’s acting super weird. He’s in Dean’s room and I’m getting him coffee.”

“Alright, well we just pulled in so I’ll meet you in Dean’s room.” Sam hung up the phone and you took Jax’s hand and strolled toward the door.

“Looks like you get some answers now.” He said as you walked inside.

“If he feels like talkin’. You know how my dad is.” Jax chuckled as you headed down the halls.

“I mean, I’ve only really met the guy a few times, never longer than 10 minutes and one of those times he sucker punched me for branding you. You know, for an old man, he has a decent hook.” You laughed as you turned down the hall as John walked out of the room.

“Well hey there. Where have you been?” You asked as you gave your dad a hug. He pulled back and shook his head. He stared at you for a moment and smiled and you could see tears in his eyes. “Dad? What’s wrong.”

“Just… realizing how much I love you.” You gave him a weak confused smile and he kissed your forehead. He pulled back and gestured down the hall with a small smile. “I gotta sign some papers. I’ll see ya in there.” With a light pat on the cheek, he stepped around you and walked down the hall to the nurses station. You turned and looked at Jax who simply shrugged before the two of you went into Dean’s room.

“Hey Button! You came back.” You laughed as you crossed the room and sat down on the bed.

“Yea, what’s up with dad?” Dean shrugged as Jax grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the bedside.

“It’s dad that’s what’s up with him.”

“Truth. So, what are your plans after here?” Dean groaned and fell back against the bed.

“I have to rebuild Baby since Sam trashed her. My poor, poor car.” You laughed and pat his leg.

“You’ll be OK. If you want the help, you can always bring her to Charming and Jax and I can lend a hand.”

“HA! As if I’d let a GIRL work on my car.” He teased as he bopped your nose. You scrunched up your face and scowled as Dean got up out of bed.

“You taught me how to fix cars on Baby, asshole and I am better than most the guys in the shop I work in!” You claimed proudly and Jax laughed and nodded.

“Yea and all of that is because of your big brother. If any…”

“Help! Someone help!” Sam’s voice echoed down the hall, cutting off Dean’s words. The two of you looked at each other before he ran out of the room with you right behind him. He made it three doors down before he stopped and spun in his place.

“Nope. You don’t need to see this.” He said as he grabbed your shoulders and spun you into your husband. “Keep her here.”

“What? What is it?” You asked as you tried to turn back around. You caught a glimpse of your dad’s body lying on the ground in the window and gasped as Jax grabbed you in his arms and hid your face in his chest.

“It’s gunna be OK, baby. They are gunna fix him right up.” He soothed as he watched Sam, Dean and a couple of the nurses heave John’s lifeless body onto the bed. You squeezed your eyes closed and gripped his shirt in your fist as your world shattered for the second time that day. It felt like hours went by as they tried to revive him and you prayed to a force you didn’t really believe in to bring him back to you.

“Ok, that’s it everybody. I’ll call it. Time of death 10:41am.” You let out a choked sob as the words ripped through your soul. You clung onto the love of your live desperately as tears poured down your cheeks. While the nurses and doctor cleared the room and you waited to see if the other shoe would drop and he would come back.

“We’ll take him to Bobby’s and built a pyre.” Dean said to Sam from inside the room.

“Tell them we’ll meet them there and get me out of here.” You whispered. Without hesitation, Jax lifted you off the ground and you buried your face in his neck. Jax passed on your message quickly before carrying you out of the hospital.

It took a couple hours to get the pyre built and John’s body back to Bobby’s. You stood silently with Jax and Sam by your side and said goodbye to the man who gave you the best life he could. You sent him a silent thank you for everything he had done for you and with one final ‘I love you’, you turned away.

“Take me back to Charming… but let’s go through Nevada.” You said before walking away without a glance back.

——

When you got back to Charming, you locked yourself in your house for a week; not letting anyone in except Jax, as you mourned the loss of a man you never thought you would miss so much. During that week, you managed to get ahold of John’s truck and claimed it as your own since the boys had the Impala. When Bobby dropped if off at your front door for you, you were shocked to find two pictures smiling at you from the dash; one of the boys and Mary when your brothers were little and your first grade school picture with your front teeth missing. Having his truck made you almost feel whole again and you were able to move on and life essentially went back to normal.

~~~~~~ EARLY SEPTEMBER 2007 ~~~~~~

You sat on the bathroom floor against the wall by your bedroom door with the pregnancy test bouncing against your palm before work. You were staring out the bathroom door at your husband, who was sitting in his boxers on the bed. His foot was bouncing a mile a minute as the two of you impatiently waited.

“You ready?” You asked with a smile and he jumped up and joined you nervously in the room.

“God, I hope it happened this time.” He said as he leaned against the door frame for only a second before squatting down anxiously and continuing to bounce his heel. You kept your eyes locked on his as you held the test in front of you but you panicked at the last minute. You had only been trying for six months and were starting to get discouraged seeing negative tests month after month.

“You look, I can’t.” You said as you held out the test and looked away. He snatched it from your hand and you quickly looked back at him only to see him still looking at you.

“Fuck… I can’t either.” he said with a laugh. You slid down onto the floor and kneeled in front of him and sighed.

“Together?” He nodded and took a deep breath.

“1… 2, 3.” He said rapidly. You forced yourself to look down at the white plastic stick and shrieked with joy at the sight of the purple plus sign. You looked up at Jax, who had tears in his eyes and nodded.

“We’re gunna have a baby.” You whispered. He threw the stick toward the trash and lunged forward, attacking your mouth with his and laying you down on the cold tile floor. He wrapped his arms around you, fell to his side and pulled you with him as he buried his face in your neck.

“We’re gunna be parents.” You smiled against his bare chest as happy tears fell from your eyes. The two of you laid on the bathroom floor for a moment before he kissed your shoulder and pulled back. “Alright parents or not we gotta get to work.” You groaned and fell onto your back on the cold tile floor.

“I’m pregnant, I can’t.” You whined with a giant smile on your face. Jax propped himself on his elbow and smiled down at you.

“I think I like hearing that better than I like hearing you call me your husband.” You smiled and looked over at him as he began to drag his fingers across your stomach.

“How about this… Jax Teller, my amazing, handsome, sweet husband got me pregnant.” He smiled, leaned down and kissed your stomach before moving up and hovering above your face.

“Yea, I like that more.” He gave you a gentle kiss as he rested his palm across your stomach and you smiled against his lips. After a beautiful moment, he pulled back and sighed. “But no matter how much I like it, we still have to go to work.” You groaned as he kissed your stomach once more and he got up and pulled you into his chest. “I love you.” He mumbled into your hair as he walked you backwards toward the closet.

“I love you too… father of our child.” You looked up at him with a smile and a single tear rolled from his eye. He gave you a chaste kiss before pulling away and getting dressed.

——

“So we need to talk.” Jax said as the two of you walked into Gemma’s office the moment you pulled into the lot.

“Does it involve money, guns or the club?” She asked as she flipped through some papers on her desk as you shut the door.

“No it does not… grandma.” Gemma’s eyes shot wide open as she looked up at her son.

“No!” She said as a giant smile crossed her face. “Really?” She asked as she looked over at you.

“Took the test this morning and you’re the first to know.” You said as Jax put his arms around your shoulder. She tossed the papers in her hands on the desk and screamed. She jumped up and wrapped the two of you in a hug and cried.

“Oh, this is the greatest day…”

“Everything OK in here?” Clay asked as he looked into the office. Gemma looked and him and nodded vigorously.

“We’re gunna be grandparents!” His face lit up with a smile and you had a brief moment where you realized that you couldn’t recall really ever seeing him smile before.

“Hey! Congratulations!” He pulled you and Jax in for a hug before stepping back to look at you, his smile gone again. “You, darlin’ are on modified shop duty. Help the boys, simple fixes, helping Gemma in the office, shit like that. One full hour mandatory lunch break because I know how you are. If I see or hear about you under a car in the next nine months, I’ll fire you until the baby comes; we clear?”

“Yes sir.” You giggled and he nodded and looked at Gemma.

“Does this mean we are getting old?” She shrugged and stepped up to his side.

“We may be getting old but we are still young where it counts.” Your stomach turned and Jax fake gagged.

“And we’re gunna go throw up now.” Jax said as he pushed you out toward the shop. You took a few steps away from the door and shuttered.

“I think I need brain bleach for that mental image.” You muttered.

“I don’t even think that would help.” You took the liberty of grabbing a stool and dragging it over to the car you were originally going to be working that day and sat down as Chibs walked over.

“What’s got ‘er knickers in a twist?” He asked as he gestured toward the office.

“Oh God, shut up; you’re gunna make me sick.” You teased.

“She’s just excited to get a grandkid s’all.”

“Hey! No shit, congratulations ye’s guys.” He said as he shook Jax’s hand. “Wat’chew want; lass or a lad?”

“Boy.” You both said at the same time as Jax got to work on the car.

“Aye, wee little lad tinkerin’ about; beautiful thing, lassie.” He said as he kissed your forehead. He headed back to work as Jax moved the car onto the lift. You tilted your head to the side as he grabbed tools and looked at him.

“Care if we do Thomas Eric if it’s a boy?” He paused for a moment before looking up at you.

“Where is Eric coming from?”

“My dad’s middle name.”

“Thomas Eric Teller… Yea, I can handle that.” He smiled and gave you a chaste kiss before heading over to the car. “What about if it’s a girl?” You shrugged, kicked your feet against the stool and leaned on the tool box.

“Well, my mother’s name was Sophie and that kinda makes me want to throw up so that’s a no. I like the name Emily…”

“I know a croweater named Emily…” He said and you shook your head.

“Don’t like the name Emily. I don’t know, I’ll get a book for the girls name.” You heard Gemma call out your name from the office and you jumped off the stool. “I’ve been summoned.” He laughed as you headed across the garage and into the office just as Gemma was getting off the phone.

“I have an appointment with my OB/GYN for you next Wednesday afternoon. Now, I know there is some stuff in my old storage unit you are more than welcome too and Clay and I will help with absolutely anything you and Jax need.”

“Mom, you didn’t need too…”

“Oh, stop. You only get to be a grandmother for the first time, once. Let me.” You smiled as she gestured to the seat across the desk from her and started looking through papers. “Now, I have an appointment of my own and I could really use your help in here. If you could do me a huge favor and organize the shit people keep piling on my desk, I can show you how to put it into the computer when I get back.” You nodded as she grabbed her bag and stood up from her desk with a proud smile. “I am so happy for the two of you. This will be so good for you.” She came around and gave you a quick kiss before strolling out of her office. With a sigh you got up and took her chair and began figuring out the tornado that landed before you.

——

“Something’s off about today.” You told Jax as the two of you were getting ready for the day a week later. He pulled on a button up flannel and looked at you with concern.

“Something with the baby?” He asked and you shook your head as you pulled on a Teller-Morrow shop t-shirt over your jeans.

“No, there’s like this weird energy.” Jax shrugged and threw on his kutte.

“Maybe it’s a pregnancy thing?” You shrugged as you grabbed your boots and sat down on the bed.

“Who knows. I have that doctors appointment this afternoon so I’ll see what the guy says.”

“I hate that I’m not going with you.” He said as he headed toward the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“You got club business, babe; I get that.”

“Not the point.” He muttered around a mouthful of toothpaste. You headed into the bathroom and looked at him in the mirror with a smile.

“I know it’s not but it is what it is. I don’t think the Sixers or whatever would be willing to wait around for this deal while SAMCRO’s VP is at his wife’s baby appointment. There will be more you can go to.” He spit out his toothpaste and wiped his mouth off with his sleeve.

“The Niners” he corrected “are never gunna know my old lady is even pregnant if I have anything to say about it.” He said as he gave you a chaste kiss. “Come on, or I’ll be late.”

——

You weren’t in the office for an hour before your bad feeling became reality when ATF and Charming police and sheriffs stormed the lot. You felt a brief moment of panic and suddenly a deputy stormed into the office with his gun drawn at you.

“Let’s go. Out here, on the ground.” He grabbed your arm and ripped you from your chair and you stumbled when your foot caught on the leg of the desk. “Let’s go, hands up!” He shouted as he shoved you once more and you put your hands up.

“Alright, fuck. I’m going, Jesus.” You bit your lip as every fiber of your being told you to fight but you forced yourself out of the garage and into the lot.

“On your stomach.” The man shouted as he shoved you hard enough to cause you to stumble and you saw red. You turned around to swing when Jax screamed ‘baby’ and you froze just in time.

“Fucking lucky.” You told him as you got on to your stomach and found your husband across the parking lot. He had his hands on the back of his head and he mouthed for you to breathe. You took a deep breath in and exhaled as a pair of shiny black shoes and slick black dress pants stood directly in between you and Jax. You squinted up against the sunlight at the man who was holding a single sheet of paper. He looked down at you with a cocky smirk and nodded his head once.

“I got lucky with ATF raiding these guys. You’re a tough woman to find…” He said as he turned the paper for you to see your Arkansas mugshot. “…Ms. Winchester. Cuff her.” Your stomach dropped as the officer happily shoved his knee between your shoulders and cuffed you.

“Get the fuck off me you piece of shit!” You screamed as you fought to get the guy off your back. It took him a moment to get the cuffs fastened entirely too tight around your wrists before he yanked you too your feet. The man looked you over and looked back down at your mugshot.

“My name is special agent Victor Henrikson. You see Ms. Winchester…”

“It’s Teller.” You snapped but the man ignored you and continued loud enough where everyone in the parking lot was sure to hear him.

“…I know all about you, Sam and Dean. I know you are murderer and a kidnapper. I know about the murder’s your brothers committed…”

“You don’t know shit, pig.” You couldn’t stop yourself if you wanted to as you spit in his face. He stopped talking and sighed. With a small shake of his head, he pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off his face casually before returning the white cotton to his pocket. Before he continued; however, he hauled back and punched you in the stomach just below your rib cage. Pain, radiated throughout your body as you collapsed to your knees on the ground, coughing and bent over double. You could hear Jax fighting with another cop and screaming with the rest of the SAMCRO crew as Henrikson crouched down next to you and continued.

“I made it my job to learn all about your backwards ass family. I know about Sam and his barbecued girlfriend. I know about your wack job, ex-marine pop. I know all about you, Ms. Winchester, but what I don’t know is where your brothers are. And I want you to tell me.” You stayed silent and curled your hands into fists behind your back as your thoughts immediately went to the safety of your child. You looked over at Jax who was now only a couple feet away from you being held down to the pavement with a cop kneeling on his back and another with his knee on his head and a gun pointed at his forehead.

“Even if I knew where my brothers were, I wouldn’t tell you shit.” You said without taking your eyes off Jax. Henrikson sighed and shook his head.

“Well if that’s the case, maybe I’ll throw your little lover in the cage for a night and see if that helps the bird squawk in the morning then.” You laughed through your pain as he moved to stand up and he froze as you looked at him with a smug grimace from your still bent over position.

“You lay another fucking finger on my husband and I will bury you in court cases for the rest of your fucking life. You just punched a pregnant woman in the stomach in a yard full of witnesses you asshat! And you’re threatening me with a case that was closed for insufficient evidence five plus years ago.

I don’t know who the fuck you THINK you are but I can fucking promise you this. You will never find Sam and Dean Winchester. Fuck, I’m their sister and I couldn’t find them if I wanted to because that’s how good they are. I also haven’t spoken to them since my father passed away six months ago. Now… take your empty threats and your fucking bullshit and kick rocks mother fucker or I’ll have my lawyer so far up your ass with paperwork, your head will pop off from the pressure.” Henrikson blanched as his eyes darted down to your stomach for half a second before looking back at your eyes.

“Now, can you get these fucking handcuffs off me and let my husband take me to the hospital to find out if you just fucking murdered our child or not?” He didn’t move for a second as he let his brain wrap around what you just said before he nodded and gestured to the cops that had Jax pinned to the ground. It was only seconds before your cuffs were off and Jax was lifting you up off the ground.

“Keys!” He shouted to no one in particular as you grit your teeth and curled into the pain in his arms.

“In my truck” one of the mechanics called out and Jax turned to Henrikson.

“You’re lucky as fuck I have bigger problems right now. Come near my wife again…” He threatened before turning on his heel and storming toward the truck. He laid you down gently on the seat and you curled into a ball as he ran to the other side. “Hang on, babe. I got you.” He said as he ripped out of the parking lot and sped toward the hospital.

Part 9

[aquabrie]

The Truth Behind His Blue Eyes part 4

[A TJ Hammond and male reader story]

Warnings: males making out, flangst, language, anxiety, implied smut (since I am no good at writing it)

Characters/plot: after three and a half weeks of dating each other, TJ Hammond and Sky go to the presidential banquet dinner. Sky meets the rest of TJ’s family. And Madam President… AKA: his soulmate’s mother

Word Count: 3426

[I apologize for the delay and the weird writing.  I went a different direction than I thought… more fluff this time. Sorry for any mistakes! Also another longass chapter. Hope you like it, comments appreciated. Also if you want to be tagged let me know.]

(images are not mine)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

part 6

Three days ago was the last day you had seen your amazing boyfriend.

To say you were nervous about the presidential banquet dinner tonight would be an understatement. You were nervous for two main reasons- 1st: You would truly be in the spotlight tonight… what if TJ changed his mind and broke up with you because of how badly you reacted to his family? 2nd: You were meeting his family tonight! What if you mess up? What if they don’t like you?

“Oh God… I can’t breathe! I’m going to die even before this damn dinner!” You grip the sink and stare at your reflection.

Why does TJ even care about you? Your heart beats fast as you start to panic. Your grip on the sink causes your knuckles to turn white.

As you feel slightly dizzy a warm hand grips your shoulder. You look back towards them, realizing it is Shaun with a worried look on his face. “Hey, relax man! You’ll be fine, you already met his mom, the fucking president! Plus TJ will be there with you the whole time. I think he wants to show you off… officially let them know you both are off the market and officially together.”

He takes his hand off your shoulder and glances at you. Your tux had been worn twice, a funeral and some wedding… it had been a while, but it still fit like a glove. “You need help with your tie?”

You clear your throat and let go of the death grip you held on the sink. You shake your head no. But then as you put your hands around your neck pulling on the tie, you realize your hands are shaking. “Apparently my hands don’t want to fucking cooperate. So yeah… um… thanks.”

Shaun shrugs as you turn to look at him as he starts fixing your tie. You watch as he bites his lip and furrows his brows in concentration. His green eyes are bright and hopeful. You smile as he grins and pats on your chest after flattening your tie. “Alright good to go! You be good, don’t cause any trouble!”

“You know me.” You say with a smirk and a shrug. “So you have a date with Jenny tonight?”

He nods and smooths his dress shirt and checks his hair in the mirror. “Yeah… I really like her and plus she’s been kind to you. Do I look okay?”

You grin and then raise an eyebrow. “Dude, I should be asking if I look okay, I mean it’s not every day I get to meet the presidential family! And yeah she’ll totally eat you up. If you swung my way and I never found TJ, I’d totally want you.” You slightly joke…

“Yeah. Yeah. You just keep that to yourself, Sky! I think we both look good especially you in that tux and plus you got that damn hair cut finally! I know TJ talked about your shaggy hair.”

“Yeah although he liked to pull it.” You realize what you just said as Shaun makes a face.

“Shit. Sorry didn’t mean to say that. I think it’s just my nerves.”

His face tinges pink at what you said about your longer hair. He slaps you on the chest and chuckles. “Aw man… you slay me man! When’s he coming to pick you up?”

You glance at your watch. “In five. You think they’re going to make me do a speech?”

“No… they would’ve told you. Although there might be some press asking about you and TJ… I think you guys are great together, I’m glad you finally are feeling happy.”

You straightened up and pull him into a tight hug which he gladly accepts with a tight grip on you as well. You sigh. “Alright, guess I’m ready. You heading out soon?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, if you want the place tonight it’s yours. I’ll be with Jenny, hence the small suitcase. We’re going to a bed and breakfast or something fancy. I think her parents own it or something.” It dawns on him that he’ll probably have to meet them today! “Oh great I realize they’ll probably be there! I hope everything will be okay with them.” His eyes are wide and suddenly he gets a little nervous.

“Come on lets go to our dates!” you say cheekily and pick up your small suitcase that you had just in case TJ wanted you to stay over tonight or whatever, you just wanted to be prepared.

Shaun grabs his suitcase and grins. “Let’s do this.  So you might not come home tonight anyways? Maybe you’ll get to hang out at the white house.” He says in mock seriousness.

You cannot tell if he is being truthful or sarcastic so you just shrug and open the door.  You both are leaving at the same time anyways, so you hold the door for him to go first and then walk out behind him and you lock the door.

—

You cannot help but still feel nervous.  You hadn’t seen TJ in three days since he had some stuff to do at his club and you had some work to do.  Luckily you were able to have a four day weekend off from work, which was much needed since lately you have been frazzled at work, with your boss being on your case, since you had worked from home those days after Trent…

Shaun waves to you when you both walk out the front door of the apartment building.  You see a sleek black car drive towards you and you know it must be TJ.

The back door pops open and TJ grins and jumps out grabbing you harshly and kissing you then giving you a tight hug.  He pecks you on your lips again and puts his hands on your shoulders and pulls away, taking a good look at you in your tux.

“Damn… Sky, you clean up nice!  The hair suits you and damn that tux.  Have I mentioned that I am glad you are coming tonight?”

You grin as the driver picks up your bag and puts it in the trunk. TJ climbs in and pats the seat, he seems way too excited, but it’s helping alleviate your nerves.

He must notice you are nervous, as the driver shuts the back door and goes to the front and starts driving… TJ holds his hand out palm up and you take his hand into yours.

“You okay Y/n?”  You nod, but he doesn’t seem convinced.

You loosen your tie and shrug as you look at your hand that is intertwined with TJ’s.

He squeezes your hand and watches you for a minute.

“What?” you ask curiously with a worried tone.  

“Nothing…” He licks his lips. “Just missed you these past days. Work was boring, would you ever want to go work at the club with me?”

“Huh?” What brought this on?  “Um… I don’t know much about clubs and how to run them.  But sure I guess maybe someday.”  You shrug and TJ grins.

—

An hour later you both arrive at the white house.  The driver stops the car nearby a side entrance of the house, right after driving thru the open gate.  

The driver opens TJ’s door and lets him out first, then you follow behind him.  He shuts the door and grabs your suitcase.

“Thank you.” You say to the driver and hold out your hand to take the bag.  He looks at you confused as TJ shrugs at him.

“I can take it from here.  I suppose you probably have something else to do today, right?” The driver nods and tips his hat toward you.  He smiles and hands you the bag and starts his car as you and TJ head inside the door.  A body guard walks with TJ and you. He’s menace looking.  Wearing all black, blue tooth on his ear, something under his jacket, a weapon? 

“Hello.  I’m…” you start to say your name as the body guard watches you with a grim look on his face.

“Y/n Skylar. Yeah I know all about you kid.  You are TJ’s new beau.”  You nod and continue walking with them.

“His names Max.  Don’t worry he’s cool.  He was my bodyguard last time we were here for when my dad was president.”  TJ assures you.

You raise an eyebrow and walk with them towards whatever room they want to show you first.

The party isn’t started until 7 and it’s about an hour until it will start, so TJ asks Max to go bother his dad or brother just for a bit, while he talks privately with you.

He shows you towards the room where he stays whenever his mom needs him to stay close by.  It’s nice. A king size bed, small dresser, and a bookcase with a few books, mostly from past patrons who stayed in the white house. 

TJ lets you put your bag in the closet of the room right next to his. “Okay so this was my childhood room well… teen year room.”  He smiles and plops onto the bed.

“nice…” You shrug your jacket off and sit it on the desk chair in the corner of the room. 

“Yeah… so what’s wrong?” TJ frowns.  “You want a drink before the party?  My grandma is here and she always seems to have a drink in her hand.”  He smirks.

You clear your throat.  “I’m just nervous.  I met your mom and she’s a bit intimidating, plus I was drunk, so not the best impression… and she seemed to not trust me, and I don’t really blame her. I’m not the best in the spotlight.  Although when I’m with you of course I want to show you off, you are amazing and I’m just a weird dude whose dad is the biggest prick, brothers a dick… but I miss my mom and nana.  Apparently they want me to visit them for lunch and I don’t know if I can ever go back there.”  You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and you sigh as you look at the carpet.

TJ pats the bed for you to sit.  “Come on, I’ll make you feel relaxed.  I don’t want you to regret being with me, this is my family and sometimes I have to be here even though I’d rather be home with you.” He swallows and watches you sit down next to him and he rubs your back and holds you closer.  “You ever want to talk about whatever happened with you and your dad… I’m here, Sky.”

You nod and glance at TJ. “Yeah, um… same for me, I don’t want you to hate me because of my anti-gay father and brother.”  He stops rubbing your back.

“Lay down.” He says gently while patting his lap.

You comply and lay your head on his lap.  He starts to ruffle your shorter hair and you close your eyes.  “I have a horrid headache…”  you sigh because now you feel relaxed and not as nervous.  How does he know?

TJ smiles as he continues to rub your back and continues to mess with your hair.  This was something his grandma used to do when he was a little kid. 

There’s a light knock on the door and TJ answers quietly, “Who is it?”

“It’s Doug.  Is Sky here yet?”  He slowly opens the door to reveal you still laying down with your head in TJs lap and your eyes are closed.  TJ smirks as Doug furrows his brows.

TJ shrugs and pats your arm to wake you up.

“mmm?”

“Hey its my brother, he wants to meet you.”

This makes you quickly open your eyes and bolt up.  “Sorry.”  You yawn and stretch a little.  “Man I’m great at first impressions aren’t I?”  You roll your eyes and sit straighter noticing Doug. 

He is smirking at you and looking happy for his twin.

“Um… hi.  I’m Y/n Skylar.  You must be Dougie?”

He nods as he grabs the desk chair and wheels it over toward the bed where you and TJ are still sitting.

He watches you as you look at him with a confused expression.  It is as if he is trying to figure you out.  He narrows his eyes at you as TJ looks happily at you, he sees the look Doug is given you and he smacks him on his arm.

“Hey, be nice to my boyfriend.”  He says as he grabs ahold of your hand and squeezes it tightly.  You look down at your intertwined hands and look back up to TJ with a grin.

“Sorry Sky.  I want to make sure you are trustworthy.  Mom already vouches for you, TJ too, but he’s bias, and then there’s dad he wants to be sure you are who you say you are.”  You raise an eyebrow and watch him as he takes a folder from under his jacket and shows it to TJ. “Anything you want to say about yourself?”

Your eyes widen and then you tilt your head.  Now you were so confused!  What more could he know that you hate about yourself? 

TJ takes the folder.  “Come on, what’s your deal Dougie?  Why are you already threatening him.”

“I am not!  Just open it.”  He insists.  You are confused as to what could be in the folder and TJ is too.  You watch him as he opens it to reveal pictures of you and TJ.  You bite your lip and continue to look at all the pictures of you both.  From all your dates to you going into his car, waving goodbye… it was like a professional hitman took your picture.  No headlines, just photos.

You look at both the brothers and raise an eyebrow.  “what’s this?”

“Proof.”

“Of what?”

“That you are in love with my brother.”  You suddenly feel lightheaded and cannot seem to breathe.  Oh man, now he knows how you feel all because of his damn snoopy brother!  What if TJ does not feel that way about you?  What if you are just a fling to him?

Doug scratches the back of his neck.  “Sorry, bad advise from Dad, he had someone follow you two whenever you went out.  He even made sure your roommate was not your lover too.  You can tell on the pictures that TJ feels the same for you.  He has never acted like this with his partners.  I just wanted to let you know that I am proud to accept you to the family, even though it’s only been what, a month TJ?”

You look at TJ and are speechless.  He nods and looks at you with a sideways smirk.

He clears his throat and gauges your reaction.  “I think I’m falling in love with you… I mean I know I’m in deep.  I miss you when I don’t get to see you or feel you next to me when I wake up.  I love you Y/n Skylar.”  He wipes his palms on his pants watching you.  Doug takes the folder and sits it on the desk. 

“I will leave you two alone.  See you later in the dining hall… Sky.”

You bite your lip as you hear the bedroom door shut near you.  You watch TJ and turn toward the folder on the desk.  You taste copper as you realize you bit too hard on your lip.  TJ stops you from doing so, by putting his thumb on your bottom lip.

“Do you?  Is it too soon?  I knew it.”  TJ stands up and ruffles his fingers through his own hair.

You are still stunned at his confession, your brother would never ever help you with your relationships, he was never supportive.  “I feel the same Teej.”  You say quietly.

He stands at the window now glancing outside, he must have not heard you.  You clear your throat and get up from the bed walking toward him.  You put your arms around his waist and your head on his shoulder pulling him closer towards you.  Breathing in his scent you say, “I love you too Teej.  I know its soon but I feel the same way.  I feel like you are the one, my soulmate.  I don’t know if you believe in fate but I sure as hell do.  I would have never found you if you hadn’t helped me that night.  It probably was not much to you but for me it was everything.  I have never had anyone in my family support me, accept my nana and a little bit from my mom.  Never my brother, he despises me and…”

TJ turns in your arms and pulls you into a tighter embrace.  He kisses you passionately and continues to pepper your jawline with kisses.

Another knock is at the door.

“Yeah?”  TJ answers a bit breathlessly. The door opens.

It’s TJ’s grandma and she has a bottle of some wine with her.

“Well I heard that the man of your dreams was coming tonight and after Dougie said great things I had to check on you boys myself.”  She smirks and sets the bottle down with three glasses as she pours some for each of you.

You straighten up and try to look presentable for his grandmother.  She seems nice, almost as nice as Nana.  She turns around and hands you both a glass of wine.

“Welcome Y/n to the weirdest bunch of homos, heathens and…”

“Hey!”  TJ smirks and side hugs her as she chuckles and shrugs.

“My aren’t you ever dashing!”  She looks at you and she takes a sip from her glass.  She looks at you more intently but with a nicer gaze than TJ’s brother did.

“Um… thanks.  You’re beautiful, are you sure you are old enough to be TJ’s grandmother, there is no way…”

“Flattery will get you everywhere honey.”  She jokes and takes a long sip from her glass and pours herself another.  She sips the second glass and watches TJ and you.

TJ shakes his head and smirks.

“TJ has been extra helpful these last few weeks and he has been playing the piano more like he used to when he was a child.  I am pretty sure it is because of you coming into his life.”

Your face heats up and you glance at TJ who just shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“You are truly one of a kind.  I think I like you.”  You say to her.

“Oh you better.”  She jokes and takes another sip of her wine.  You chug the rest of yours down and TJ drinks his.

It is weird… she sets her glass down and motions for you both to come closer to her.  She holds onto each of your backs and makes you both crouch to her height.  You comply TJ holds his hand out to you and you take it.  You all hug for a minute.

Soon she steps away from you both and she shakes her head.  “I am proud of you.”

She says to both of you.

“Yes, Sky I am proud of you too.  I know your grandmother.  She wants to be updated on anything and everything that happens to you, especially since she knows about you and TJ.”

“I… I never told her.”  She must have seen a photo of you both on the newspaper or magazine.

You smile. “I love him. God I love him so much.  Is it weird to think that?”

She shakes her head no.  “You both seem to have been in similar childhoods with both of your fathers in the spotlight for some sort of scandal.  I like you Sky.  You are good for my grandson.  I can tell by the look in your eyes.  You are in love with him and he is in love with you.” She sighs and shakes her head with a small smile. “I’m glad you found each other.”

“Me too.” You and TJ both say in unison.

She pats you on the back and whispers something to TJ and he grins toward you, but you cannot hear what she had said to him.

“Oh the ceremony is about to start.  I will see you boys inside!”  She walks out of the room with the empty glasses and the bottle. You watch her leave and glance at TJ.

Did this really just happen?  Wow she’s awesome.  But how is everyone else going to be when you are out there in the open?

Now for the party.

—

Part 5 next->

---

@bolontiku

@fandommaniacx

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@waywardimpalawriter

[sleepymarmot]

DS9 season 2 liveblog

[Season index: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 PS]

The Homecoming

They're opening the season with a three-parter about Bajoran-Cardassian problems, and Dukat will show up right in the first episode? The writers are not wasting time...

Sisko's unusually cheerful.

Again, I'm amazed at this new heroic O'Brien who is so unlike the background character I've watched press buttons for years.

One does not simply walk into a Cardassian camp! Unless you're these two.

This is completely crazy! What'll stop the Cardassians from destroying their ship?

Just as I was going to say "Why not beam the wounded right from the runabout?", they actually do so -- but just after exiting it. Is there any in-universe reason behind it, or just the ease of fiming?

Why is Dukat being so friendly? Maybe he has spies among the freed Bajorans? If so, it better not be Li Nalas himself...

Bashir you're embarrassing yourself -_-

Quark, why are you always such an ass to your brother? Is that really necessary?

Poor guy.

Oooookay?? The previous scene made me completely trust him, but now my suspicions are stronger than ever. He's replacing Kira? Seriously? That has got to be someone's plan.

Well, this episode was meaty. And it really seems like the show is finding its feet -- unlike Duet, this episode didn't remind me of the other series and feels uniquely DS9.

The Circle

Aw, Odo's being a good friend! I don't remember him ever becoming so agitated before.

Vedek Winn as guest star? *grinds teeth in advance*

what a mess... I don't know if it's funny or sad. What a contrast to Data's friendly, nice and organized goodbye party :D 

"These are my... these are my friends" 

Do the Prophets really need to show her this sexy crap? Also, I'm too faceblind, is the guy in the vision the freedom fighter or the priest?

Odo and Quark!

I don't understand, which of these two is trying to convince the other to support them? And I don't like how blatantly evil they act.

AUGHHHH NOT A STUPID STARFLEET ADMIRAL AND THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! GET THIS CRAP AWAY FROM ME!

(Seriously though, you say "Prime Directive", I hear "stupid bureaucratic crap that gets in the way of doing the obviously right thing". Either retire it or write it better, dammit!)

The Siege

Okay, I might change my mind by the end of the episode, but this might be the strongest of the multi-episode stories so far.

Aww Nog

"The Cardies" haha

Ugh, don't do the "wife asks husband not to be a hero" thing

The freedom fighter becomes a leader for real!

Sisko and Bashir turn and walk away in sync lol

"Is that a spider or a dog?"

Please stop ruining your engaging story with scenes about cartoonish villains...

I've... actually completely forgotten that O'Brien had been in the Cardassian war until this very moment. That's probably why he has been so opinionated, not just because of Picard. 

That's it? Kinda underwhelming.

Ugh, killing Li Nalas? I didn't expect this show to cling so hard to status quo...

The first episode was the most impactful, but the entire story is still very impressive, epic and engaging!

Invasive Procedures

End of previous episode: Everyone happily returns after evacuation! Beginning of this episode: The station has been evacuated

Quark and Odo: *bicker* O'Brien: Ughhhh get a room already

Previous episodes: main characters defeat the forces of the entire Bajor This episode: DS9 is easily hijiacked by a handful of mercs & amateurs

That's an impressive "As you know" speech, Dax

When will poor Jadzia get an episode that's not about her being victimized and quietly accepting death?

Yes, I get it, the entire thing is just a plot device to show us Dax without Jadzia (and hopefully, Jadzia without Dax, if she'll be awake for it?), get on with it please

I hope the second half of the episode is about Dax working against the antagonist literally from the inside

Well, it's pretty disappointing that Dax by themself has so little personality and moral compass. I guess Sisko was all this time really friends with just Curzon and Jadzia, not Dax. Honestly, it's easier to forgive Quark (who sort of redeemed himself with an amusing scene) than Dax after this episode.

I was planning to go to bed after this one, but hell, I need to wash down this nonsense

Cardassians

I see Bashir has gained a lot of confidence since Past Prologue

"I am no more a spy than you are--" "A doctor"

I guess not everyone is fine with strangers touching them haha

"To us, he isn't even one of them any more" uh.....

"They won't hurt you. They're humans, they're not Cardassians" jfc...

"Don't apologize. It's been the high point of my day. DON'T DO IT AGAIN." 

(Sisko seems to chew out Bashir more often than others. Is Bashir just the most undisciplined?)

Oh, here we go, O'Brien's anti-Cardassian racism again, makes sense for it to be in this episode

Poor Keiko, she's trying so hard

Miles is getting over himself! I'm proud of him

Bashir is learning to yell at people! Two episodes in a row now.

Um, Miles, I don't think it's a great idea to tell these things to the boy's father...

Dukat's neck scared me. is that normal

GOD IT'S EVEN WEIRDER FROM THE FRONT why am I so bothered by this lmao. honestly was their casting requirement "not only be able to look ominous without actually doing anything, but to have an extremely long neck so we could sculpt interesting things around it"? i'm sorry i'm gonna shut up about this now

Garak if you hold that satisfied smile for some time more you're going to turn into a child-drawn picture of a sun

I love that Dukat doesn't even bother to finish the conversation, he just turns around and leaves without a word the moment it becomes clear that he lost

Ugh, poor boy... What a choice. Abusive family he loves and considers his own or the planet of strangers from an unfamiliar culture he hates, both claiming to love him and expecting him to identify with them? Even if they didn't tell who took him in the end -- he gets a bad deal either way.

it's much more easier to take Garak seriously when he's not dressed like a grandma who stopped giving a fuck 20 years ago. that's probably why he does dress like this, though... but shouldn't that hurt his reputation as a tailor?

This episode was awesome! Exploration of social issues, family drama, political intrigue -- all tightly wound together and making perfect sense. So far the Cardassian stories are the highlight of the show, I hope it's going to stay this way.

It's really weird how Bashir changed between seasons. He hasn't gotten a lot of screentime apart from this episode, but he seems less naive, awkward and bouncy, he's grown more confident, and the crush on Jadzia has disappeared without a trace. Tbh I'm kind of disappointed -- I was expecting a smoother character arc that would let him grow before our eyes and phase out his immature traits one by one. Same goes for his relationship with Garak -- we've only seen their meeting and now they act like besties, how did they get here?

No, wait, let me get back to the plot of the episode. So Dukat had a politician's child kindapped just in case that politician becomes his opponent at some indefinite point in the future, so that he could go through another complicated scheme to humiliate him? Had he absolutely nothing better to do?!! Did he arrange something like this for everyone who could ever possibly cross him?

Melora

Um, Julian, that sounded a bit too much like Geordi's style of creepy almost-stalking...

Wait, Melora is Grace Holloway? :D I didn't recognize her until the familiar name appeared on screen.

She complains about being treated differently and about following the same rules as everyone else in the same breath. Did the writers make her hypocritical on purpose?

Why is he doing this? Is he actually interested in her as a woman? Does he want to help her acclimatize? Or to put her in her place?

Okay, the low gravity scene is pretty cute even if it doesn't make much sense

Daphne Ashbrook in all your fandoms, kissing all of your pretty Doctors

so far it seems like in season 2 the good episodes are better than in season 1, but the mediocre ones are worse

god, the writing and design are so bad, I don't want to list everything that doesn't make sense to me, let's just move on

Rules of Acquisition

I was tired but the plot twist woke me up!!

Dax is so sweet

Poor Pel :( Shitty Ferengi values win again I guess 

Well, I'm glad he took a stand after all. And that they kissed. HELP I'M HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT FERENGI ROMANCE

Necessary Evil

Aw, Sisko called Rom "a family friend"

...so do Odo and Sisko perform the bad cop-good cop routine often?

yoo a flashback! I was wondering how Dukat was going to fit into this

"Cardassian neck trick" I... think I've already said enough on the subject lol

First meetings!

First meetingS!

I was distracted for some reason and didn't appreciate this episode enough :/ But it was very good!

Second Sight

Yikes Sisko don't embarrass yourself

"She's a married woman" "That would have never stopped Curzon" ew

ah I've missed the starship uniforms

what a boring episode. can we stop with the love interests of the week, please? I don't understand why the writers are suddenly forcing them so hard this season, and watching three of these in one day has turned my brain into soup. okay, Rules of Acquisition worked, but Melora and this episode were terrible!

(only pros: gorgeous woman, gorgeous dress)

Sanctuary

What was even the point of the universal translator not working for a while? This had nothing to do with the story, and the only thing it did was to remind the viewer how implausible the entire concept is.

Second mention of the Dominion -- I guess we'll meet them in the season finale?

Yep, I'd be surprised if the promised land didn't turn out to be Bajor

Bajoran Leia!

Wait, why is famine a problem? Why can't the Federation just provide Bajor with replicators? Prime Directive again? I mean, they almost seem to want me to ask this question by cutting right to refugees in front of a food replicator.

Why are they so attached to the idea it MUST be Bajor? Ugh, I hate these stories.

Rivals

Are you implying that El-Aurians have supernatural abilities and all this time people confided in Guinan not because she's charming and wise but because she mind-controlled them? 

Julian is a NERD and Miles is regretting all of his life choices that led to this point

(Gosh, I didn't realize how much I've missed scenes where the main characters just hang out together off-duty)

8 minutes into the episode and I still have no idea what it's about

Are you saying that O'Brien and Bashir's tennis rivalry is legitimately the B-plot because I'm really into it

"Not in this space-time continuum you won't"

oh my goooood

wait a sec, the listener is only figuring it out NOW?! h o w

finally, a really fun silly episode!

The Alternate

Wait, so when Odo is in humanoid form, does he see and hear like us, or "percieve" like in liquid form? Does he have 360 degree vision?

Put it back! This is either a defense mechanism or the environment needs this column to function for some reason; beam it back down

So Bashir's crush on Dax isn't dead? We haven't seen it for so long, I thought it was over. But why is he monologuing? that's just bad writing.

plot twist! D:

god, this doctor is so creepy with his Measure of the Man reenaction

poor Odo is literally having a meltdown :(

Armageddon Game

Another O'Brien and Bashir episode, nice!

Poor Keiko

Bashir's speech about wife and children at home is weirdly sexist, especially since the previous episode re-established his interest in Dax, and his previous romantic involvement this season was a fellow Stafleet officer too -- he should have the opposite problem (which was already discussed in "Melora")!

aw Quark, you don't have to hide behind the Rules of Acquisition to admit you care

Whispers

Everyone around seemed to be acting like he smells bad, does this mean that's actually true?

"It's not doctors I have a problem with, it's--" "You, Julian"

jfc Miles, she's your wife, you should try to talk at least to her

Quark can't name a rule of acquisition by number? alright, for the first time in the episode I believe someone is fake

O'Brien is a badass

Are they absolutely sure the dead one is the clone and the real one takes his place, not the other way around? That was an awfully convenient excuse to shoot a Starfleet officer point blank without anyone asking questions... 

Poor communication kills. At first it seems like something is wrong with O'Brien, but since people refuse to talk to him about it, he becomes convinced literally everyone else is conspiring against him -- and turns out, no, the problem was with him after all! And then they kill him off for no reason just to maintain status quo and avoid the Thomas Riker situation. They could have told him at literally any point instead of being so stupidly vague, but no, gotta keep the plot moving for 45 minutes! Before they found the real O'Brien they could have arrested the clone and told him everything, I'm sure O'Brien would understand; and after they rescued the real one, they could have just transmitted the image, if they're so averse to words. And after acting so stupid, as a final insult the other characters keep talking over their poor dying friend in third person like complete jerks. The episode is great... until that ending. Which just doubles my frustration, because it's one thing when a story is mediocre to begin with, but it really sucks when a wonderful episode is ruined by shitty conclusion.

Paradise

Yes, yes, I get it, this woman would do anything to keep this way of life and probably sabotaged the technology in the first place

What's wrong with replicated food? I hate this stupid trope

did she send the runabout away too?

what the FUCK

look, it might be useful social commentary to depict these rhetoric and tactics, but watching it is still torturous

it adds another level of creepiness that all this shit is done to a black protagonist -- was it intentional?

she's a more proficient torturer than the guy from Chain of Command

this woman is one of the most horrifying antagonists in all Star Trek. she actually believes all this shit

the engineer is supporting her? they all want to stay? for fuck's sake. she made them all see five lights

well. if the writers wanted to upset me, they succeeded

Shadowplay

"How fascinating" :D

"Women don't react to me in that manner" What about Lwaxana, then?

"After seven lifetimes, the impersonal questions aren't much fun anymore"

Yeah, why does a 15 year old need a job?!

The local guy is surprised at Odo beaming up and back down, like he's never seen anything like this before, and two minutes later says he has scanned for transporter activity

I like how the Prime Directive isn't even mentioned :D Or is it a human colony? But isn't this the Gamma Quadrant?

"You want me to spy on Quark for you?" so excited, bless him :D

backstory for that one time Miles played cello on TNG!

I'm glad these villagers are not as conservative and stubborn as people from the previous episode

I am reminded how much more modern DS9's storytelling is than TNG's every time they namedrop the Dominion -- like Doctor Who did ten years later with Bad Wolf, Torchwood etc

I knew he'd transform for the little girl eventually :') Odo reminded me of Data more than usual this time because of the friendship with a child and the episode's general similarity to Thine Own Self. But while Data gets along with kids partially thanks to his own childish (in a good way) qualities, Odo is more like a grumpy but caring grandpa -- I'd even say there's some First Doctor vibe. 

(I'm a bit disappointed the episode didn't follow up on that promise of "Bashir practicing his purely theoretical spying skillz on Quark for Kira", because that sounds absolutely hilarious)

Playing God

Fun-loving cool senpai Jadzia is amazing

Interesting that Jadzia doesn't identify with Curzon at all in this case, despite presumably remembering their interaction from his point of view too

I didn't really understand how they solved the problem but I don't care

This is my favourite Jadzia episode so far. She finally got to show agency, have some fun, show off her professional skills, and explore her own identity (instead of standing around silently while other people explore it). And I love how other characters' scenes are vivid despite shortness: Quark playing tongo with Jadzia and giving well-intentioned if unhelpful advice to the initiate; Bashir's friendship with Jadzia and O'Brien; O'Brien calling across the border about his pest problem; Odo, Kira and Sisko's different approaches to the ethical dilemma.

Profit and Loss

Yesss! Cardassians!

Ooh Quark has romantic history with the pretty Cardassian woman?! This is getting better and better

A scene between Garak and Quark! is it my birthday?

"Personally, I find this style to be a bit too radical. But your friend seems the sort who appreciates that kind of thing" Does he know everything and everyone?! Though come to think of it, this shouldn't have surprised me at all -- even regardless of special channels Garak may use, these dissidents might be well-known to the point that their info is freely available on something like stateenemies.gov.car/wanted

I love how he casually rips an expensive dress to make his point

Passionate lover Quark is so strange to see

Odo's good at playing hard to get

lmao I've waited so long for someone to finally to hug Odo and... :D I do also love his relationship with Quark but I never expected these two things to intersect :D

so, did Garak change his mind on the fly or was he just stalling until that guy comes and can be disposed of?

alright, I amend my previous statement about one-episode love interests: Quark is allowed to have them, if all women who fall for him continue to be this awesome

Blood Oath

What, the holosuites have no sound isolation?! If so, who would ever use them for anything more... private than a recreation of a famous battle?

These Klingons have strange hair

It's so nice to see a young, human-looking woman as an equal to three old Klingons

ah bat'leth fighting, I didn't realize how I've missed it

-- and that young, human-looking woman is more of an old-fashioned honorable Klingon than the rest of them

what an outfit

I'm glad the Klingon interpreted her hesitation so favorably

*reads TVTropes* Wait, all these three are from TOS?! Damn... I could barely tell them apart. I really liked the episode, but turns out I didn't appreciate it nearly enough. Time for a little TOS rewatch?

The Maquis 1

What does the word Nor mean? Terok Nor, Bok'Nor...

The Vulcan woman looks great; nice dress.

"Jake-o" aww

Do Cardassians have a thing for showing up right in your quarters unexpectedly?

"We'll need one of your runabouts" "Where are we going?" Nice one, Sisko

"So you turn off my controls so I don't have enough light to take my photograph?" :D  

"Education is power. Joy is vulnerability" Dukat is being very quotable today?

"Of all the humans I've met you strike me as the most joyless and the least vulnerable" "I am when I'm with you"

Honestly it's as if they are writing Sisko and Dukat's interactions for me personally

I like how the Vulcan is taking Quark's courtship at face value

Wait, is Gul Evek that reasonable guy from Journey's End?

I'm starting to understand Preemptive Strike better -- so it all took place in the demilitarized zone? That makes sense. (How did I miss that?)

"I was looking forward to showing you more ways to mix business with pleasure" "Perhaps in the future. I do find you... intriguing, Quark" im screaming hooly shit I'd never have guessed that Quark of all people would be the chick magnet #1 on this station?? how did he manage to meet a woman this line would actually work on

good shit good shit

The Maquis 2

Sisko gives a show-defining speech!

"Vulcans are a species that appreciate good ears"

something tells me Dukat wasn't the one supplying weapons and the Central Command is trying to kill two birds with one stone -- oh look, this lie was so obvious that for once the characters saw through it right away too

"The Central Command wants him dead. That's reason enough for us to want him alive"

Interesting, Dukat suddenly started acting in a theatrical manner I've only seen in Garak before. Some Cardassian cultural thing?

Haha, I didn't even realize where Sisko was leading the conversation! He's excellent in this story

"With that kind of firepower, the Bajorans could have launched a full-scale assault on Cardassia" "And lost"

Damn, Dukat really has his Intimidate skill maxed out! Sisko fails the Paragon check, Dukat passes the Renegade check.

Finally we see someone explain to a Vulcan why they're being illogical instead of making some bullshit reference to emotion. I love you Quark

the only bad thing about this two-parter is that it kinda made me like the Totalitarian Lizard Man a bit too much??? how dare you. let me go back to my wholesome crushes on Bashir and Jadzia before I start stanning or something

oh, and also I hoped this episode would make the Maquis more sympathetic so I could feel better about Ro Laren leaving Stafleet for them... nnnot much.

The Wire

What a great episode!! I wasn't liveblogging at all because it was too intense. I don't even feel the need to comment on drama or character development -- the story and acting speak for themselves.

Alright, how the hell did Bashir reach Tain? How does one get the home address of the former head of secret service of a foreign empire?! And how did Bashir manage to convince Sisko to authorize this stunt and give him the runabout -- or did he steal it?

The "Elim" reveal isn't really a surprise after you've spent some time near a fandom where people tag characters by full name... 

What interests me now: is Garak going to act differently now that he's not keeping himself drugged? Will he go through withdrawal? In the final scene he pretends everything is Back To Normal, but... Or was the table-flipping scene the extent of his withdrawal symptoms?

Another disjointed thought: this is a wonderful example of a satisfying hurt/comfort story 

Star Trek has some amazingly intense dramas for two actors. The Most Toys, Chain of Command, Duet... This one is different because in order to bring the two characters together and at the same time isolate them from the rest of the world, instead of captivity it uses doctor-patient relationship. Oh, another story from a different fandom it reminds me of, now that I think of it: Scherzo.

Crossover

Lmao it's nice that even after leveling up at unstoppable determination and compassionate badassery in the previous episode, Bashir still can be a ridiculous dork 

...though it is pretty jarring that right after a high drama where he shows his capacity for patience and caring, and greatly deepens his relationship with someone, the next episode opens with the awkwardest attempt at befriending (and flirting?)

I didn't expect Garak to appear in two episodes in a row!

Why is Mirror Kira walking like this...

I started laughing at "I don't have a designation, sir" because my mind immediately went to "There's no need to call me sir, professor"

Female Cardassian guard! And Kira called herself attractive, heh.

Mirror Quark is dressed so poorly...

Okay, Mirror Kira definitely wants to fuck herself -- wait, that's actually canon? Do all evil Kiras hit on women? I wish they'd let our Kira do that too. I know it was written in the nineties, but I really don't appreciate the "evil=bi" trope

Well this was pretty weak. The only mirror character who works well, i.e. exposes the real character's darker side, is Odo. Kira looks just weak and hysterical. (Remember how I complained about her acting in the pilot?) Mirror Garak is actually less intimidating than our Garak.

The Collaborator

Can't say I'm very excited to see Vedek Bareil again. I liked him in his first episode for ideological reasons, but this romance...

Oh no, the Sydney Opera Hat is on the Promenade again? Is she planning another assassination?

"Welcome back. You're under arrest"

The episode was not engaging to watch, but I enjoyed the Grey Morality (tm).

Tribunal

These Cardassians have lost all shame, what do they think they're doing

Evek again, and I think another familiar face?

Yiiikes

Here comes the good cop

I'm glad they're not spending an entire episode on a Chain of Command remake. 

Not telling the accused what they're charged with: a deliberate ploy to mess with their mind, or do the Cardassians not even bother to think about these things anymore?

Huh, Odo had a Cardassian rank that's still valid? That's useful.

Alright, but wasn't O'Brien still declared guilty? So the scheme to discredit the Federation worked?

Also, a missing molar isn't good evidence. Maybe it means that man was just captured and processed by the Cardassians, like O'Brien. And why would a spy alter his appearance but forget about this? You'd think humans and Cardassians have different enough teeth that he'd have to get dental implants anyway. 

I found one good thing about the Cardassian "court"! The judge has fabulous hair.

The Jem'Hadar

Jake!

"I bet we'll have a great time!" "I know we will" Please don't say things like this in the opening scene of a season finale...

Aw poor Sisko :D

"Guess" "He said yes" "Guess again"

Aw Quark needs a hug

Aww kids

Aww Odo cares about Quark

"If the Dominion comes through the wormhole, the first battle will be fought here, and I intend to be ready for them." Well. That's a chilling line to end the season on.

As much as I like it when the Federation arrogance is called out, Quark's speech just doesn't work. "The way I see it, humans used to be a lot like Ferengi. Greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget." Well, yeah! That was basically the original concept for their species! "Humans used to be a lot worse than the Ferengi" -- so what? 24th century humans are disgusted by the atrocities of their ancestors, so why can't they also be disgusted by the exact same things perpetuated by their contemporaries? Domestic abuse and sexism are wrong, no matter who does it. Note how this entire speech sidesteps the violent misogyny, aka the Ferengi's most obvious appaling trait. This is like saying "Don't judge the Cardassian state for being totalitarian! That's just their culture, you don't understand!"

General impressions

Bashir and Jadzia finally got some character development!

I live for Cardassian episodes. It's fascinating to see a dystopia in the universe that started as a utopia, and see how characters from both sides deal with each other. 

(Random thought: I want an AU episode like "Crossover" where another universe/timeline's Cardassia is a free state, and for a Cardassian viewpoint character our world is a nightmare scenario just like the Mirror Universe is for our heroes.)

I don't loathe Winn as much as I did in the first season finale. That makes her kind of underwhelming as a recurring antagonist. On the other hand, that might be a good thing, because getting so angry repeatedly couldn't have been good for my health. But because they're represented mainly by the hateful-but-not-enough Winn and the bland Bareil, the Bajoran affairs are usually not as gripping as the Cardassian. I hope to see more of their secular politics next season.

First season was very even; second has two irredeemably clumsy stories (Melora and Second Sight), but a growing number of outstanding ones, too. 

First season was already an improvement over TNG in terms of serialization, and this one is better. Both multi-part stories are brilliant, too. I hope this trend continues. 

A noticeable weakness in the first season was the mundanity of the Gamma Quadrant. No sense of wonder, no noticeably stranger aliens. The introduction of the Dominion and their overwhelming threat partially rectified that problem, bringing back some of the feeling from "Q Who". Yes, setting foot in a far corner of the galaxy should be awesome in both senses of the word, and lead the previously unimaginable dangers right back to your home.

The costume design has visibly improved in this season!

[malcolmpeacock-blog]

There’s a Referee in my bed

Pray God you can cope. I’ll stand outside.

 It’s raining outside. It was raining when my dad died. It was pouring. My dad died in Towson in a hospice center on a Friday night at 5:21 pm. I was supposed to be seeing my friends, Bo and Karli. But I had forgotten to text them. They understood of course and I told them with such ease…guys, my dad’s about to die. When my dad’s mother called my mom earlier that day from the center, I was in the basement. Completely alone with the lights off for two days. I spent most of my time there in silence that winter on the winter break from college. I never really told anyone how sick my father had become. And I was also unaware of what was happening to me. I had already fucked up my sleeping during my first semester of school. And this whole thing of wondering when and if he was going to die was really not helping. It became evident that I wouldn’t be leaving Baltimore to head back to Richmond anytime soon. I began to isolate myself more and would spend hours online googling “hospice”. I was frustrated that I wasn’t being given answers to my fears. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that google could never answer questions that I’ve had all my life. At some point you really do have to figure things out for yourself. Of course, we are all here. And there is empathy. But, in order to feel it and to give it, I think we have to meet ourselves in a mirror.

 This woman’s work. This woman’s work. Ooooo it’s hard on a man. Now his part is over. Now starts the craft of the father.

I developed an intense relationship with death at an extremely early age. I think it’s hard for most kids to wrap their heads around. The idea that yes, it ends. Everything, physically, will die. As the artist Juliana Huxtable says, “There are certain facts that cannot be disputed.” Flesh, skin, all that, it ends. Now what extends beyond that is another story. Stories. But death and I met when Aaliyah Haughton died. Cheesy, but Aaliyah is really important in the scope of me understanding why I believe I am here. I could go on about how my family would sit around in the living room with our next door neighbors singing I don’t think you’re ready for this thing, this thing, this thing, I don’t think you’re ready this thiiiiing like many other Black people were doing during that time. And my sister doing the rock the boat dance or trying to at least and I don’t even need to mention that dress at the end when the goddess is immersed in the water (peep FKA Twigs for the tribute) but obviously I’m bringing it up because duh. There will never be another. It was hot that Saturday. I was on the computer strolling the internet, something I just enjoyed doing looking at images of my favorite singers. I heard my mom say, “Baby, Aaliyah died.” I searched Aaliyah immediately and I was confused. Died? How? I thought to myself, how do you die? What does that mean? I asked my mom for an explanation over and over. We watched some videos and sang like always and the reality or the myth rather, had still not settled in for me. I was rattled. My mom explained to me the best she could, that everybody dies one day. We all live and then we die. My dad was a loud man. And he was also soft. He had dark dark brown skin and usually a smirk on his face. He loved Aaliyah. He loved her to death. I think I was so confused because I couldn’t find language for what was happening. For the first time that I can recall, I only had feelings. No words. Raw, gut feelings. My father’s silence weighed down on my chest. He was never silent. My heart pounded viciously through that night as my head ran laps around itself in bed. I laid still thinking…I don’t want to die. I drew a picture of Aaliyah. Because I knew she wouldn’t let me die. And as far as I was concerned, she was alive. And I knew we could live forever.

 My parents would take my brothers and I to see our grandparents in Virginia when we were little. One of the rooms in the back of the apartment used to be my great grandmother’s. My grandpa, her son, would say sometimes he could feel a tug, just a soft one, on the sheets at night. He said this was his mom. When my great grandma passed I was in 2nd grade. She was my mom’s grandma. I think I remember it being winter. My mom and her grandma were close but she had Alzheimer’s and it really affected her memory. My mom was on the phone with her best friend one time and she said that it was nice to visit grandma Emily but it’s just not the same anymore and it sucks when someone you love can’t really remember who you are. My mom had sort of already begun a process of letting go of grandma Emily’s body. It’s crazy that people can slip out of their own skin. Before we know it, we’re holding a container. And we’re feeling so much that we hold and squeeze the container, hoping that we’ll get to touch that being’s magic one last time. It’s really hard though because (crying so much right now oh my gosh) if you’ve ever touched a dying person right before they go you know that’s it’s like trying to win a game of tug of war that you know you’re going to lose but you decide to play because you have to and you don’t even think about it and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. We traveled to North Carolina for her funeral. My parents met in a tiny town called Chadbourn in the state when they were 11 and 10. My dad lived there and my mom stayed with her grandma in the summer. She lived down the street from my father. They spent time together on a basketball court. During the morning of the service, I sat at a computer screen in the purple room of my father’s childhood home. I worked for hours on a painting on Microsoft paint (every 90’s art kid’s dream) for my great grandma’s casket. My right hand on the mouse detailing the stems of the flowers and my left hand wiping the snot and tears that wouldn’t stop coming. I cried for days and my mom offered words she had given before ever so gracefully. But I still could not fathom a life underground. I asked her…so everyone else just keeps living and walking around while you lay under the dirt? I buried my face into my hands for days. Eventually, I could move on to different thoughts but some days my mind would wander and tell me: I’m gonna die one day.

 While the other kids played during recess, I sat on a bench watching them. I could see my body laying under the wood chips while everyone slid down the slides. I was quickly developing a relationship with death. An obsession that would seep its way into my bones. A fixation with a word that would become my entire being.

 I know you gotta little life in you left. I know you got a lot of strength left. I know you gotta little life in you left. I know you got a lot of strength left.

 My siblings and I did karate as kids and my dad got us involved. It was a family affair. My younger brother hated it and I fell in love with it. It was fast paced like I love, but it required patience. I’ve always sort of been a sucker for things that happen over time, changes, length, and transformations. We practiced under a man named Arnold Mitchell. And his instructor was a hardass. We met him once and he called every child in the dojo ugly. Mr. Mitchell loved us so much. 13 years ago on the way to the dojo, my dad pulled over on 83. He wasn’t saying much but different symbols and lights were blinking in the car. He kept saying come on, come on. He was confused and kept looking down on his side. It was early January and I had just gone back to school after winter break. The car was warm, a little unusually warm. And he said Mal we need to get out. We were parked and he hopped out of the driver’s side, and ran around to mine. He flung open the door and grabbed me and we began to walk through the cold. Maybe 200 ft away from where we left the caravan. We had a blue caravan. The only car I really knew. I would spend the next 20 minutes having what I believe was my first outer body experience. At the age of 9, I watched my family’s minivan completely set on fire on a Tuesday night. The pickup truck that we sat in had no heat. It belonged to a stranger who picked us up. Watching the car set on fire was kind of like a movie. It was so dark outside that the car began to disappear. The window wasn’t big in the truck so really, it looked like the flames were moving across a screen. Stretching their arms fearlessly, and rolling over and over and over until it tucked my van in for the night and for forever. I remember later my dad being pissed about how the man was talking about the situation. How he was embarrassed, and mad that the man sort of made a joke of it in front of me. How nobody should speak that way in front of a child. I recall the man saying, “That was all she wrote”. And my dad saying nothing back. I remember how tight I was being held.  That night when I got home I realized that we could’ve died in our van. I found my baby sister crying in the middle of my room. She looked like me. Have you ever met yourself in someone else’s life? I went to sleep that night like normal somehow. For weeks I thought to myself….how am I going to die? When my older brother would go play in the neighborhood with bigger kids or when he went off to school, I would cry and stare out of our bedroom window. My mom would say it’s okay you’ll be able to go one day Mal. And I’d say, “But I am a big boy!”.  I find myself thinking that now. I am a big boy.

 I should be crying but I just can’t let it show. I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking.  All the things we should’ve said that I never said. All the things we should’ve done that we never did. All the things we should’ve given but I didn’t. Oh darling. Make it go. Make it go away.

 The day that my dad died I was sort of waiting for bad news. When my mom asked me if I wanted to go see him again because the doctor said that they think this may be the last day, I said yea sure. I sort of meant yea why would you ask that? My mom has this way of trying to be as peaceful as she can when she’s really one of the most peaceful people I have ever met. She has had a tough life and I don’t know if I’ll ever know half of the things about it. She asks me for advice on how to navigate certain things sometimes with others but it’s funny because she always has what I believe is the best way of approaching things. When we all got to hospice that day we sat around the room talked and laughed and my mom told us how the nurses said that the day prior my dad had escaped and set off the bed alarm. He had crawled to the elevator and said he was going home. He was about 90 pounds. He was going home. He was going to come home. A Black man crawling home.

 My friends were in and out through the night, which was amazing to have the support. Around 5:15 that night when we looked at my dad, my family and I noticed that his breaths were getting shorter and shorter and the gasps for air were not as quick and heavy any more. His head began to tilt more to one side and lay back some.  We surrounded the bed and my dad’s mom was next to me as we all held hands awaiting the inevitable end of this journey through hospital visits, broken oxygen tanks, and vending machine snacks. There was one more breath. One last give. His lips would part one last time as my grandfather called for the nurse. She arrived to take his pulse. By this point we are gazing at each other, maybe hoping that this is not it. That somehow he just needed a break.  She placed her finger on his neck as she looked down at the foot of his bed and nodded and said, “He’s gone.”

What was just as hard, but maybe harder than watching his life end was being the one to call my older sister to tell her that our dad had died and that I’d see her in a few days. When my friend Sam’s dad died, I called to tell our friend Jon. The sound that fills the space after the word died…is the sound that understands me the most.

 The rest of that evening and the days that would follow were so emotional that some parts get lost in translation and lost in the eating of the food gifted to us, lost in the ravens games, lost in the walks with our new puppy, lost in watching the sheets move on the hospital bed while I sat on the loft imagining his body in between them. Moving so slowly and so quietly. With urgency for a new day. My father lived up until the very last second. The death of my dad left me in shambles. The first year after his death was quite possibly the most heart breaking time of my life. One year earlier, a close friend and running partner who I spent the majority of the end of high school with lost his father. After I lost my dad, I started to try to think about what was going to happen with my degree and when I would return to Richmond. I didn’t know my new friends well. And now I felt like an alien in my own home. So I went back a month late and immediately found myself in corners on the 2nd floor of Johnson hall stuck in between two walls, sitting under a public phone. In the back of a large studio room at 2 in the morning with the lights off on Bowe Street. It took me a month of being in school to realize that coming back was the wrong decision. A year passed and within that time a close friend’s father committed suicide back home and when I made the call to tell another friend about it, he answered by saying that his mom was in ICU. She died two months later. I went to three funerals that year and the week after the last one, three of my friends and I were on a road trip to Cary, North Carolina and ended up in a car accident before reaching our destination. We all lived and we looked around and thought to ourselves…how is this real? Us? Everyone in the car had lost his or her father. Three of us within 21 months of each other. One year and 8 months later, my cousin would be killed in a car collision in Carolina. He was my dad’s best friend. The day of his death is the same day as one of my friend’s father’s deaths. Large trucks killed both of them. I couldn’t process or think or do anything that year that mattered to me. After my cousin passed, I was convinced that something was wrong with me. At the start of the next year I sort of looked back. I called my mom to ask her how she was doing on the day of her husband’s death two years after that night. She said she was doing a lot better than the year before. She said grief will eat you up if you let it. Grief will kill you. It’ll take over your whole life but you can’t let it. You know you can’t let it. You have to choose at some point how you’re going to go about the rest of your life. She said you can’t let one moment in time take who you are and crush you. You have to make a choice to live this life. My mom’s words pierced me. Because although there was another loss in the following year, I looked back and realized what happened. There was a day in January of 2014 when I said I needed to make a change. I needed to do something before I did nothing. Before I died. So I did and I started to figure out how I wanted to live.

 I had never been out of the country before. I really wanted to go somewhere to see a new place and to sort of have an experience that I had never had. I found round trip flights to Nairobi that I could afford and I asked my little brother if I should get them and he said duh you could die tomorrow. So I got them. And I went. And I had an experience. Sometimes it was awful. And other times it was…just…any words would underscore what happened to me consciousness. I came back to Virginia and realized how much I was missing out. I forgot about myself. I let go of who I was for so long. While I was in Nairobi, I went out. I had so much fun I just…I got to breathe. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t thinking about dying and when I was going to die or how or who would die next. I was meeting new people every day. I was laughing a lot and crying out of frustration with the racial politics that I was experiencing for the first time. But I wasn’t settled and I wasn’t stuck. I knew Nairobi was short and temporary but I knew I was going back. During the end of my time there I met a boy named Emmanuel. He was deaf and an excellent reader. He is such a beautiful boy. I told him I would be back. Emmanuel was hard headed and I taught him how to count to 300. We had a great time together and I almost extended my flights to be with him for longer. I sort of regret not doing it now. But I’m going back. Emmanuel helped me see a purpose and to have meaning for living each day while I was there. I’m going to go see my friends, I’m going to go out and dance and have so much fun I think. I’m going to go speak and have important, different, conversations that don’t operate on a crazy time system like we do here. I wonder what it’s going to be like. Now that I am living here. Before I went there, I was a zombie here. I attempted a marathon a few months after I returned from Nairobi. I didn’t finish but the bulk of the race that I ran was so well ran. At 18 miles, I had fell off of the pace significantly, but I was still in the top 10 of the Baltimore marathon. I never thought I’d try the marathon. But I had to. After you get so close to death, you sort of realize that time is on your side. And yes, there is no rush, but there is an urgency to see what your capacity is. To see if you can expand your capacity. I wanted to work through things that I was still dealing with after these deaths. So I wanted to run to see if it was possible to run outside of my body. In hopes of reaching another plane of existence. In hopes of connecting with whatever memories I had of those people whose bodies we had lost. I was hoping that their memories would lift me to a different space. Not heaven. But a space where I didn’t have to be afraid of being alive.  A place where I could be.

 Give me these moments. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your, give me your hand baby. Give me your pretty hands.

 The last four years have been so different than I would have ever predicted. I have this piece of paper on a wall in my room. It says what are you doing here and why? I’ve been thinking a lot about why recently. Why am I alive? I’ve spent years now hearing stories of friends and family both far and near. People like me. People that I confide in. Some young, some older, but all of them are living. From my lens, I look at them and I see these beings in the world. Traveling through time, trying to unravel experience in order to understand themselves, each other and the world around them. It’s tragic the amount of young people that I know who have experienced loss on such a grand scale. And it’s been so very beautiful to watch them emerge months and years later as their new selves. People who found their worth. Who chose to make a decision one day to not live in fear of what the rest of their life could possibly be. It isn’t that I admire these people because they have figured something out or because they’re masters of grieving or something else that’s calculated. I fell in love with so many peoples’ stories of death over these last four years because I saw vulnerable people who trusted in themselves. Decided that they wanted to know themselves on a more intimate level. Decided that grief could not possibly be what defined their existence. And instead of hoping that one day they would figure it out, they took a bolder approach and said I will figure this out and until then I am going to be. By being your presence is felt. Your existence, acknowledged. I wish I could thank every person who I know who has lost. And yes, I do realize that I would just be thanking everyone that I’ve ever met. But I think that living is a gift enough. We deserve to live. For ourselves and for each other.

 A year ago someone tried to kill me. I was sleeping on my stomach in my room on the second story of my house in Richmond, Virginia. It was January and I was exhausted. I was sick and wasn’t really getting better. I wasn’t able to nurse my body to health and I went to sleep thinking that the small infection I had was probably growing. In the middle of the night I heard my door creek and a shuffle across the floor. I turned over but stayed asleep, pressed to my sheets. Their breath was getting louder on my neck and then their legs straddled my back. I tried to move but didn’t want to out of fear of being killed. I lifted my head and as their hand slipped across my mouth I yelled the loudest scream that could leave my body. Hoping my roommates would hear me and come to find me. I was having a night terror. One where I was dying of an illness just like my father. Why so paranoid, Malcolm? My roommates asked in the morning if anyone heard that scream last night. I couldn’t even remember if it was real. It was. And it was me. Yelling for help. Yelling at myself. Yelling for myself. Yelling for my life.

 I knew immediately what happened. It’s more than just being afraid of being sick. It’s having to face the fact that someone you love, in this case, your own flesh and blood, your father, never spoke to you about who you are. It is the realization that your queerness was kept inside of an internalized void. Counting down the minutes, waiting to release itself when it finally had space. It’s facing the queer phobic upbringing placed upon you by the Black man who told you that you were his son. His son. It’s loving the man that changed himself for your brother but still fearing yourself so much that you projected your fears into his body. It’s hoping that you won’t die before you get to explain to him how sad some things were to hear and to see. It’s the longing to speak, to share, and to be whole and one with yourself before you meet him again. It’s knowing that there were so many moments when you felt like you didn’t belong. It’s knowing that this is your life and your life only. And that only you can be responsible for what becomes of it.

 Maybe love is just that. Maybe you experience it during the final holding of a dying person's hand and in the months and years after is when you are lost in its wake. But often this wake is described as death. Maybe love is knowing that despite someone's flaws and wrong doings, you are still willing to believe in who they are. And willing to face the reality that people are complex humans. And that our relationships with one another are so very complicated and always will be. And maybe love is accepting the fact that you could potentially be crushed by pain. Maybe love is knowing that the game of tug of war is not a battle but rather, an indescribable experience with yourself where death is the referee and not the opponent. An experience that you must be willing to completely lose yourself in if you ever wish to revel in it. Maybe love is being okay with the fact that you will spend the rest of your life feeling through the different emotions of your relationship with a person whose body you lost. And becoming more confident in knowing that the memories, stories, and thoughts of a person can yield their immortality. 

 Love is an absolute truth and we are all concerned with it. That is not debatable. Love and death are the roots of everything in and on the earth. At the age of 18, death knew me better than I knew myself. It saw me as a vulnerable child who was confused as to why death always seemed to be in my bedroom. A boy who was searching to find an answer to his only question: Why are we alive if we are going to die? 

 I recently walked for three hours to my first home. The sun was setting when I arrived. And when I made the right turn onto Streamway Court I looked out and around. The sky was bright orange and the head stones stood tall. Smiling and warm in this fiery glow. I grew up in a house surrounded by a cemetery. And I am just now realizing what my life was supposed to be. That this was the plan all along. In that house was where I found out Aaliyah died. In that house was where I found out my great grandmother died. So when death came back 4 years ago to ask me if I was ready to be completely lost, completely confused, completely depleted, and completely burned in a fire...I deferred. Instead, I slept for a year. And a year later I woke up from a slumber and was finally ready to accept an offer that death had placed on the table between us when I was a boy. An offer to open my arms. To take a deep breath. To take one last swallow of my own being before I would burn. Death held out a match between its fingers and with all my being I told it to set me on fire. I told it to watch my insides burn. 

 I miss my dad's body more than anything. But it's nice to know that time is no longer an issue. Being alive and living are not the same. We are alive so that we can choose to live. Being alive in the world is difficult. But living is a different experience. If I am going to live, then I'll completely lose myself. I made this choice to set myself on fire. When I dream, I am being smothered in my sleep. Suffocated. No oxygen reaching my brain. No thinking. No planning. Just feeling. My room is getting hotter and everyday, the temperature in here is rising. Come lay with me. I am dying in here. I am burning. And I am so so madly in love. Thank you mom and dad. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

[hermanamason-blog]

14th March 2017

HOLA!!! How has your experiences been with reading and praying about the book of mormon? I loved reading all of your notes that you took. I am looking forward to conference in a few weeks! Im not sure whether i will get to watch it in english though! I will send photos as my new comp LOVES taking photos and i think this was partly the reason why we were put together so that i can be reminded that my family want to see photos of my mission! I am in a pretty safe area too so I can afford to take my camera around without worrying too much about getting robbed. Apparently they are stopping sending sisters to our mission. It feels like a long time since I wrote you all last week! Hermana Moore left on thursday and so i was in a trio with the Hermana training leaders and we covered both of our areas with appointments. It was a different experience. I love when all of the missionaries in our district have to travel to a lunch together because we are all gathered together on our bikes and it feels so powerful "the missionaries of Chivilcoy". ,) I finally got to see Hermana Moreton last week during zone conference! it felt SO good to hear the aussie accent, oh how ive missed it. I want to kill her (mission terms) I think it would be pretty cool to have 2 aussies serving together. I received Hermana Muchica on friday so we have only had a few days together but I am learning so much more rapidly now! After coming home our first day together my voice was tired because of going a whole day without speaking english. (Spanish uses different vocal chords). She actually reminds me a little bit of aunty Diana! which is nice :) I have heard from a few other missionaries that the second companion after your trainer is always the the hardest, because every thing you know if from this one person and there will be certain things that are going to clash. Being with a different companion really is about compromising.l This week was a bit of a shock! It is as if everything was going really well with all of our investigators until a few days ago. I am trying to find the balance between caring for my investigators and keeping a positive attitude. I invest so much of my love and energy (every second of the day) into praying for, thinking of, planning for, teaching or contacting specific people and hoping for their eternal salvation that it seems like the more i care about them, the more it affects me when something less than ideal happens. Hna Muchica is great, she is helping me to find the balance! It is funny sometimes to realise that I too, need to apply the same principles that we teach people every day. It all stems back to the beautiful yet bitter-sweet gift of Agency! This friday Fernando is getting baptised! Fernando has had trouble coming to know that Joseph Smith really was a prophet of God for quite some time and this has been (along with word of wisdom) one of the greatest obstacles in the way of his progression. Last week the elders gave him a blessing and the following day he told us that after praying to really know , he received his answer! It was a tender mercy of the Lord! We asked him who he would like to perform the ordenance for him and he chose Juan :) On friday we were about to head off when the chain from my bike randomly fell off. This has NEVER happened before and i couldnt understand how or why but just as I was trying to fix it, a man walking by offered to help. It turns out that he has great faith in God and accepted the invitation to have us teach him in another moment! There is no doubt in my mind that the incident of my bike was divine intervention. We fixed an appointment for later that day. As he (David) walked off, we continued scribbling notes in our planners. I turned to my companion and asked "what was the number of his house again?". She hadnt written it down either but by the time we realised he was already a few blocks away. Amidst all of the traffic we chased him down."GET HIM!"  We were so worried that he was going to get in his car and drive off before we could reach him. It was such a missionary moment. Thankfully we caught up with him and taught him later that night. We keep finding solid investigators that are men! This truly is a testimony to me that the Lord is preparing this area because we are finding so many future priesthood holders! I have been able to see how Heavenly Father ALWAYS is preparing different people, every day, to recieve the gospel. I have such a strong testimony that Heavenly Father loves each of His children. He is always putting opportunities in our paths to help us know that He really is there, watching over us and hoping that we will use the time and experiences we have been given to become more as he is. During sacrament meeting this week I meditated while reading Mosiah 14:10, 15:10-12. It touches me deeply to know that my Saviour Jesus Christ bled from every pore and suffered beyond what man can suffer, except it be unto death, so that I can be clean. Repentance is a gift that we can and should freely use every single day. It is not only asking forgiveness for our sins. Repentance encompasses all of the CHANGES that we make, whether big or small, to align our will, our desires more closely to that of our Heavenly Father. "And who shall claim his generation?" or, who shall be his posterity? Each of us who have made the covenant of baptism to take upon us his name, and witness that we will always remember him in every thought, word and deed. I remember once when i was little, grandma gave me a coin and told me to put it inside my shoe. Everytime throughout the day that I felt it under my foot, she told me to think of the Saviour. This was something small yet profound that I will remember for the rest of my life. It is how my life is now as a missionary. Every thought is dedicated to Christ and His work. I love you family! remember to stay true to your covenants and find opportunities every day to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Remember, he is only 1 prayer away! Have a joyful week! Love Hermana Mason xx