#everything under the cut isn't relevant i'm just posting into the void for the sake of therapy really

[amatdestrui-blog]

i haven’t worked under 50 hours in like four weeks.

i pulled a 12 day stint with no days off that involved at least two 16-hour shifts.

i’m on my second cold in that time frame (children are the Germiest).

and have had appointments once or twice a week since.

oh and i start school back up in two days and have a fucking wedding to go to at the end of the month.

i still have to go to a goddamn sleep study 

and turn in a stack of paperwork to my school

...and double down on trying to get accommodations in class. bc i have a six page psych eval that says i'm severely depressed and anxious

.....and apparently codependent. like i have codependent personality disorder or some shit? but in a really weird way that’s mixed with some sort of traumatic hypervigilance thing that means i’m dependent but also really aggressive and sort of an asshole? i don’t know i wasn’t super clear on it.

(i also have schizoid and depressive personality traits but i could’ve told her that)

but said psych eval doesn't address my adhd and i have to have my OTHER doc write that shit out and good lord she’s the one who said i had to get the eval in the first place like????

OH. and that doctor wants to put me on an anticonvulsant for ptsd mood issues ... only that med allegedly only works for folks with comorbid bipolar and ptsd

i don’t have bipolar, so that’s not going to end well

assuming i don’t have the side effects that either make you have a goddamn seizure

or makes all your skin fall off???

(needless to say i’m gonna not take that med)

and... i mean... i don’t have classic ptsd symptoms (barring the hypervigilance and defensiveness) so i’m not sure what treating standard symptoms would do in the first place

since i don’t dream to have trauma nightmares and my flashback shit is emotional and i can’t even tell you when or what i’m flashing back too. it just presents as fight/flight/freeze or intense anxiety. sooo.

is it fucked up to wish i was actually beat to hell as a kid instead of mentally and emotionally flayed

not because it’s better or easier but because i could at least identify that what happened wasn’t okay. like there would be an obvious failure there.

as opposed to ‘hey the adults in my life literally did their best and their best wasn’t fucking enough’

because being angry with/hurt/traumatized by someone who genuinely did everything in their power to put me first and drag themselves out of abuse and depression and who loves the hell out of me, without a doubt, just fucking sucks

like i feel like it’d be easier if i had two shit parents instead of one shit parent and one parent who actually cared and was around to accidentally fuck me up in the first place

i don’t know i guess it’d just give me room to be self righteous about it

it’s probably really fucked up to wish that. good thing i’m apparently Real Fucked Up.