#except my idea of androgynous has changed a little. broadened a bit

[aro-attorneys]

im too sick to make this coherent but like. i feel like i only started caring about my gender identity after noticing that others care. i was content with being a tomboy or whatever and i was content never shaving because that stuff never crossed my mind.

others cared, though. others made comments about me developing puberty later than average. others made comments about my body hair and about the length of my hair.

and it's not like i didn't know about the concept of trans. i knew about transgender since 6th grade. and while it did make me realise that i have "a choice" in terms of gender, i never thought of myself as trans because, well, i'm not a boy! i was just gonna keep being a girl who didn't like girlie stuff.

i have been (and seen others be) ridiculed for the way i express myself. i learnt that others cared and that made me care. suddenly i realised i had to be a certain way that wasn't actually comfortable. i wanted to be a girl in my way dammit.

i've fucked around with femininity after high school. it felt good to reclaim it, in a way. i wore dresses and make-up and i enjoyed it because it finally wasn't an obligation. and a few years ago i decided to drop Cis altogether. it doesn't fit. and i was content being a feminine non-binary person.

somewhere after that i started developing gender dysphoria too. and honestly i'm unsure if it's caused by people forcing me to care about my expression, or if i was always going to feel this way at some point. nevertheless, i am definitely not grateful for how i was treated. how they made me doubt every step i took and every feeling i felt.

so whenever cis people claim that we are obsessed with gender, i roll my eyes and think about how i was bullied for simply having short hair.