#existence that once brought me great joy becomes almost nightmarish to think about‚ except this time around it was completely and entirely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fionnaskyborn · 17 days

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I wonder if there is like a quota for how many fuckups a man can make in life. I don't know where I was going with this. I guess I just wish every step I made wasn't one in the wrong direction, or that I could at least backpedal out of bad decisions without any fatal consequences like damaging someone else. Life sucks.

#maybe it's just the tiredness and exhaustion talking sure but i think i need to become way less of a fuckup of a woman in order to do #anything worthwhile in life #lesson learned‚ i guess. don't make any decisions you would make once you have your shit together BEFORE that moment in time.#god‚ i wish there was an easier way to do these things. an easier way to learn. an easier way to live. i fucking hate being in pain and i #hate every single waking moment of my life i spend not in an ideal world where i am good and happy and free and not as fucking mentally ill #all the fucking time. i do wish there was an easier way to live. i really do. i hate my life. we are back to square fucking one.#just when i thought i was getting better i rush headfirst into oncoming traffic without a care in the world and another aspect of my #existence that once brought me great joy becomes almost nightmarish to think about‚ except this time around it was completely and entirely #my fault‚ and i see no way out of what i've done.#maybe‚ in another world‚ i could see the decision i've made‚ the path i've chosen‚ as a good one. but unfortunately‚ i am stuck with a hell #brain that hates me and everything i do‚ leftover traumas related to the concept commonly referred to as the defining trait of humanity‚#and‚ to top it all off‚ the beautiful words that i have received only send me flying into a state of panic once i turn my head to look back #at everything that was said and done. i genuinely hate how my brain works. i wish i wasn't so much of a scared‚ scarred‚ terrified injured #animal. i wish that i could enjoy nice things. i wish that i could just be alive and make mistakes and live life and be happy with all of #that. but that's not the kind of life that was cut out for me‚ and i have been blasting here's to you sitting numb in my chair wondering #how i even got to this point in time‚ mouth agape‚ barely breathing‚ gazing at nothing.#tl;dr no one on god's green earth deserves a fuckup like me #logs #black blank blah-blah-blah

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