#fail ka dun pre

[artinthusiast]

Spawning

Had a prudent and nice chatter with someone on my way home from Bohol last December. Akala ko nun uuwi ako without anything from some stranger after ng almost 2 years na walang travel but then this happened on my flight back.

Pagkaupo ko palang after he helped me put my bag sa compartment, he immediately asked, Okay lang ba magpadaan-daan ako mamaya para sa toilet, and kukunin ko din ung laptop ko later (for work)?

Ay ok po, walang problema, sabihan nyo lang po ako, pag tulog ako okay lang po kalibitin nyo ko hehe. Sa isip ko nun, damn I’ve been there - Yung anxiety to go to the toilet tapos may mababother kang someone. I can relate! haha kaya as much as I like to have the window seat, okay pa din sakin maupo sa aisle. 

He probably is in his late 40′s (estimation na 65% error proof) and his name’s between Jim or Jun (lol mahina ako with remembering names). He’s travelling with his family, his son sitting next to him, actually nakatulog sa lap nya kaya di ren sya nakatayo, and his wife and daughter naman naiba ng seats.

Angdami namin nagpagusapan! From traveling, our covid situation, work and business (he has his own agri company), family and being a parent, politics and madami pa na hindi ko na actually matandaan - just that parenting part na nagstart dahil may isang kiddo sa front na umiiyak since nagascend yung plane. Actually, ito yun reason why I am writing this, dahil way back before puro na ganto yung nakikita ko sa facebook, planned but failed to write about it kaya nung nagstart na mapagusapan namin to, sa isip ko, ah ayaw ako tantanan nito I probably should be writing my thoughts na regarding it. This should be a sign.

The way he sounded, 5-star yung pag-aanak sa kanya. 10/10 recommend. Well obviously kaya nya yun sinasabi kasi sinabi ko na I didn’t prefer having kids. But I do get his point, napakalaking bagay ng having kids sa couples and marriage. Yun na yung nagiging binding force and motivation eh. Sabi nga sa counseling sa Lobster, if you’re having trouble, have kids. No matter how sarcastic it sounds, it do actually works. Pano kung hindi pa din? Kawawa naman yung batang parang ginawang plaster?

I have been talking about this pre-pandemic pa. I remember this particular night while walking sa Ayala, I told my workmate, sa mundo naten ngayon, how dare you would bring a child in such a place na hindi nya choice.

He agreed and cite dark spots ng mundo naten now like this pandemic, criminal rate and lumalalang politics - tho he is basically right kaso hindi yun yung point ko dun. I mean, kelan ba naging okay yung mundo? Never naman naging okay yung mundo, humanity even has had his worse times. Hindi yung mundo yung variable factor eh, hindi yun yung dahilan - tayo as a parent, kung capable ba tayo mag raise ng tao na maappreciate yung mundo and life as it is. 

Sabi nga ni Elon Musk, “My children didn’t choose to be born, I chose to have children. They owe me nothing, I owe them everything.”

Financial capacity is secondary lang, money you can earn eh. Sila nga yung magiging motivation mo to work harder diba. Pero yung aptitude sa parenting, how you can raise humans na may strength itolerate yung ka-shittyhan ng mundo at maappreciate whatever you can bring sa table- yun yung question eh, yun yung importanteng element. 

So many have the ability to conceive a child, but clueless how to raise a human, hence our world now.

You’re underestimating your self, sabi ni Sir.

Natapos yung flight na never did he once get up for toilet or get his laptop xD Hindi din ako nakatulog haha.

Ingat ka Waldy. Heard someone at my back as he and his son hurried and walked past me sa hallway ng airport. 

[chittychittypewpew]

“ Culture shock”

Tonite i dragged my best friend to go out to check this event , which was I expected to be like a flea market as it mentioned selling out all the pre-loved item.

Unfortunately wat i tot it will be like, its totally different. Its jus like completely bunch of youngsters, and vendors that sell all the fashion items, there none of it vintage or watsoever.

Bouncing out the club music, makes my local friend comments that she was culture shocked looking all the youngster hanging out and feels it wasn’t supposed to be like dat and quote “inda marah ka parents nya tau drg pegi kesini”

And ironically is the night before we goin to celebrate eid al-adha. Which supposed all the prayers from the quran echoing the place.

M still laughed thinking back my friend comment! She wasn’t wrong, Brunei is a mosleem country and they way most people brought up here very reserved. Eventhough she open minded, she still rooted with islamic foundation. And thats one of the reason i like to friend with her. She’s grounded me.

I am pretty aware with all the advanced lifestyles, millennials they called it. The idea to be part of it , is very appealing. But somehow it wasn’t interest me no more.

I was determined to be part of it, involved innit, and live with it. But eventually the idea of it faded coz u ll find a way to look in different angle..

Way thats makes ur heart more peace, way of looking the blessed of allah ta alla,

I can say m growing up now in my incoming mid 30’s . With all wats happening it change my way of thinking. And i think i come to love of the way that i ve been walking nowdays!

Dun get me wrong! Sometimes the anxiety still der, the depression still comes up wen i fall to my weakest point! But all of it, its bearable.. i learn to forgive myself .. learn to keep holding my foundation and i found it wen i keep doing my responsibilities as a muslimah!

And i really wish , may allah grant my pray .. grant to keep my faith strong coz i know i ll be failing without it.

Wat another random night!

Thanks dena ❤️ as always a good laugh 😂

[huminahon]

My pre and post-graduation depression.

“They will never understand until it happens to them.”

April 2013 talaga dapat ako gagraduate, pero dahil lumipat ako ng school, naging irreg ako at para na rin akong bumalik ng first year. Naka-2 years na ako sa dati kong school, pero maraming hindi nacredit kaya parang first year na hayahay kasi hindi full load ang schedule. And pre-graduation depression hit me. INC ako sa OJT, hindi ako nakapag OJT nung mismong sem na inenroll ko yung OJT. First time kong nagbagsak ng subject; First time kong nagkaroon ng mark na 5.00 sa buong buhay ko, sobrang sarap mamatay nung mga panahon na yun. Group kayo pero ikaw lang gumagawa ng project nyong system. Pinilit mo silang bigyan ng gagawin para matulungan ka pero nagbigay sila ng something na hindi mo naman magagamit para dun sa project nyo masabi lang na may ambag sila. Pressured and stressed pa sa bahay, dahil puro daw ako computer, computer. Yun po course ko e. Di rin maiwasan yung mga kabatch mong 2013 na may mga trabaho na, yun dating nangongopya lang sayo, yung dating nagneneknok ng mga gawa mo, maganda na buhay. Idagdag pa natin yung mga klasmeyt mo na wala ng ibang tinanong kundi ano score ko sa ganito, ano score ko sa ganyan, hindi po ako nakikipagkumpetensya. Yung thesis pa na sila na mismo nagsasabi na ipagawa ko nalang daw. Yung thesis na nakakasira ng buhay talaga. Sobrang nakakabaliw, yung hindi mo malaman kung ano yung iisipin mo, naghalo-halo na yung mga codes sa utak mo, na maging sa pagpikit mo nagpoprogram ka pa rin. Due ni thesis, due ng mga projects na system, na naliligo kang may dalang reviewers, nagpoprogram ka habang nag rereview ng notes. Sobrang fucked up nung 2015. Hindi ako nakagraduate ng April 2015, twice pa akong naheart broken hahaha 

Kilala nyo naman ako, hanggat maaari dun ako sa bright side tumitingin at pilitin kong binebend yung mga negatives na maging positive. Pinilit ko talagang matapos ang thesis at OJT ko. Pinilit kong tulungan yung sarili ko kasi hinding pwede hanggang dun nalang ang lahat. Sa awa naman ng langit, nakagraduate ako ng November 2015.

Hindi ako masaya nung grumaduate ako. Parang hindi ko worth yung diploma ko. Pinasa kasi ako ng thesis kahit na may 1 major module akong hindi nagawa. Siguro nakita nila na nagpupursigi ako. Hindi ko alam, hindi ako satisfied talaga. Parang gusto ko talagang mag-aral ulit, and I’ll show them na I can do more, I can give them more. 

Nawala yung flame ng passion ko sa programming. Until may nag offer sakin ng isang major project, system sya. Pero hindi ko sya natapos. Sobrang na depressed ako nun. First ever project ko after ko grumaduate, failed pa. Sobrang gulo ng isipan ko, nagkukulong lang ako sa bahay, hindi ako lumalabas. Bantay lang lagi ng shop at tindahan. As in bibihira ako lumabas, ni hindi na nga yata ako naaarawan. inengage ko yung sarili ko sa computer games na naging diversion ko para maiwan ang depression, anxiety lalong lalong na ang overthinking. Feeling ko talaga napakawalang kwenta kong nilalang. Hanggang sa naisulat ko yung, “Ang buhay ko ay parang nasa isang napakalaking running track.“

Pero hindi pa rin ako pinapabayaan ng langit. Fight lang! :)

[dyosangmakulit]

And now I'm officially done!! 🎓 *long post alert hehe* 4 years I ago I still don't even know what to do with my life. Alam ko yung course na gusto ko pero Im not sure if thats what I really want. Well I personally don't like mag aral sa PUP way back then but sa pamilya namin PUP halos lahat nag aral. And then, I failed... Yes bumagsak ako sa entrance exam ng PUP just like I thought. So ayun na nga I tried to study in other school pero masydo kong trip ng universe at binalik sa PUP. I got the chance na makapasok and choose the course I want. Ganon ka swerte yung nangyare sakin, shempre no choice ako. Ano ba namang laban ng dose pesos per unit sa ibang school diba? I also got the chance to choose my own section and dahil sa magandang schedule I choose the 1st section. Naalala ko nun before mag start s.y. Masyado kong madaming iniimagine. Nice people, friendly ambiance and a good way to start my college life. But then iba yung napala ko... FUCK. Sobrang nawindang ako. Sobrang laking adjustment sakin lahat. Na shock ako sa PUP. Hindi ko alam pero malaki talaga pinag kaiba pag nagsanay kang nasa private school ka galing tas biglang ganon. Hinaluan pa ng school anxiety ko. Nakakabaliw. Ni wala akong masabing pwede kong maging kaibigan. TANGINA nung narealize kong sa pup nga pala 1st come first serve. Natural na nasa section 1 e yung mga highest sa entrance exam and yung mga graduate ng pup highschool. Shunga diba? Isipin niyo nalang na nasa isang silid aralan ako na pinapalibutan ng valedictorian, scholar, came from science highschool... Samantalang ako muka akong mancha dun. Nawindang ako sa lahat ng prof ko nung 1st sem. Alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko kaya. I even got 0 out of 10 sa surprise quiz and take note exchange papers yun... Ako yung lowest FUCK. Nakakahiya kasi alam kong pinag tatawanan nila ko. So fast forward. Meron naman nako nakakausap and friends and everything. I also experienced yung mag cut ng class and believe me sobrang kunsensya ako nung time na yun 😂 then yun na nga may presentation kami sa isang subj na ewan ko ba bat di ko rin pa nagawa yun. Yung ka group ko nag paparinig na sa twitter I think I offend him and boom. Twitter war begins. Believe me gusto kong lumubog nung sinabi niya saking "bobo" ako at "simpleng algebra lang di mo pa mapasa" well eto rin yung kasagsagan na may naririnig at nakikita akong masyado kong minamaliit na pinapakitang bobo ko so boom ang sakit pala??? Matawag kang bobo tapos di mo alam sasabihin mo kasi pakiramdam mo oo nga??? Bobo nga ako??? And that was the time that I drop some of my subjects and told my mom I want to transfer in other school na yung PUP di para sakin. But they insisted, lilipat lang daw ng course pero sa pup pa din. Pero ayoko.... 😔 sabi after 2nd sem nalang ako lilipat para mas madali. 2nd sem came and then tadaaaaa I met my friends and bc of them nakapag decide nakong mag aral padin sa PUP. Nakakatuwa lang how they really help me to na ma overcome anxiety ko. How I enjoy every single day napapasok ako sa school. 2nd year college, mejo petiks and mejo mapag laro padin ang universe. I tried na habulin sila kasi nga nag drop ako sa ibang subjects and I really tried my best na makahabol din naman sa kanila. I will never forget what my dean told me that time "hindi, kahit anong gawin mo di ka na on tim gagraduate 5 years mo na matatake ang psych" sakit sa puso bes. Pakiramdam ko ang lupet ng universe trip na trip niya ko. But I never quick I tried to add units and mag summer class. Very nakakapagod lang talaga. And another thing is I have to attend class with other section. Isipin mo nalang madalas isa lang ako sa isang room na magkaka block. Tiniis ko yun kahit mahirap. 3rd year. Akala ko things will go into the right place. But shit.. May biglang lumabas yung kagaguhan namin mag kakaibigan din. Haha ewan ko ba. Muntik na.. No totoong hindi na talaga ko makakahabol talaga nun. Wala na talaga. Sinasabayan pa ng ng problemang katangahan ko.. Pero hinarap namin yung problemang ginawa namin hindi naman tinakbuhan. I tried to overload again and override ng mga pre req units. And luckily umayon naman sakin ang universe. Mahirap lang pero kinakaya. Then we met our prof sa clinical psych I almost died mga bessy. Kidding. But I so proud of my self na naka pasa ko sa subject na yun. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan yun. 4th year. This is it. Eto na talaga yun. Ang smooth lang din ng 1st sem ko. We had our ojt na (industrial) and mejo madami ako narealize na ayokong sa office ako mag wowork blablabla. Akala ko hindi na pwedeng pigilin pa. Kasi halos mahahabol ko na lahat ng subjects. And second sem came. I almost cry nung inapprove yung 3 subjects ko na overload we also have our second ojt nun. Isipin mo nalang 7:30 am til 7pm nasa pup ako tapos kinabukasn papasok ako aa ojt ko. I sacrificed a lot kasi sabi ko last na to kaya dapat kayanin kasi kailangan. And then I met our prof in polgov. Grabe yung anxiety sa tanang buhay ko dun lang ako naiyak sa kaba dahil sa recitation. Isipin mo nalang nakukuha kong grades e puro failed... Puro singko puro blangkong papel napapasa ko. Napapaisip nanaman ako bat ang bobo ko kasi nga?? Wala akong alam... Then it happened. Bigayan na ng grades di pa na eencode sa sis namin pero nasabi na sakin.... I FAILED ON POLGOV. Parang gumuho mundo ko... Huling semester, nahabol ko lahat and at the end bumagsak ako sa isang subject. Sobrang sakit srsly. Siguro oo bagsak mga grades ko but believe me I tried my best just to pass that subject. Ginawa namin lahat para ma contact yung prof and pumayag naman siya makipag meet after a week. Isipin niyo nalang yung buhay ko tuwing gigising ako nung isang linggong yun.. Ang sakit sa puso. But after everything I passed. Sorang naiyak ako nun hindi ko ma express nafefeel ko di ko kinakaya. 😢😢😢😢 And now Im here, degree holder at unemployed na haahaha. Looking back sa mga pinag daanan ko ng apat na taon hindi pala talaga joke. At sobrang naging proud ako sa sarili ko.. Akalain mong naka graduate ako on time after all!!! Nakakatuwang malamang naging malakas ako despite of everything. This is it!!! This is just the beginning of something new. 🎓 Kapag may gusto talaga ko I don't quit. Nag hahanap ako ng way para makayanan yun. 🙂 Thank you Ria dahil naging matatag ka. Sobrang proud ako sayo. Sana maging matatag ka rin sa ibang bagay... 🎓 Ebueza, Ria Katrina C. Bachelor of Science in Psychology Polytechnic University of the Philippines BATCH 2017 🎓

[mikanism]

Sadness is eating me up. I failed myself again. Ayun bagsak lang naman sa ACC (Architectural Comprehensive shts ganon) which pre board exam sa isang subject. They said na if you failed this exam hindi ka makakapag patuloy for next sem. And since graduating naman ako (sana) or should i say na fifth year ayoko naman mangyari yun. Ive been through alot na para lang maging hindrance yung exam na yun sa goal ko. Ayoko i wont let it happen. Masyado na akong na fed up ng pressure from my parents and sa relatives ko na kelangan ko talag grumaduate ngayon. That's why i was very disappointed nung nalaman ko yun. Like nag aral naman ako ahh. Isnt that enough? Siguro nagkulang naman talaga ako. Pero aht ang hirap tanggapin. Naniwala ako sa sabi sabi na we shouldnt focus dun sa mga old test papers kasi wala naman daw dun lalabas, soooo ako naman uto uto naniwala din. Tangina. Ang saket. Buong araw nagmukmok lang ako. Buong araw di nawala sa isip ko kung gano ako kafailure in life. Tapos me mga asungot ka pang friends (ewan ko lang kung masasabi ko talagang friends) na mga walang pake sa nafefeel mo. Dagdag pa ng iisipin yung mga taong katulad nun. Nakakaasar. Inis na inis ako sa sarili ko at the same time lungkot na lungkot. Ang hirap. Parang gusto ko nalang mag evaporate.

[charlzkie2323-blog]

Naalala ko yung classmate ko nung college. Nag reunion kasi kami one time. Napag kwentuhan namin tungkol sa negosyo. Sabi n’ya, gustong-gusto n’ya daw mag-negosyo. Sabi n’ya… “Gusto ko magka computer shop!” “Ayos ‘yan, simulan mo na ‘yan!”… sagot ko. “P100,000 na kapital lang makakapag simula ka na.” …hirit ko. Bigla ba namang sumagot… “Ang mahal naman nun?!” Alam n’ya din na may online business ako. Kaya nagtanong s’ya… “Eh ikaw pre, yung online na business mo? Magkano ba kapital mo d’yan?” Sinagot ko s’ya… P300,000 yung sa isang website pa lang. Nanlaki yung mata… Alam mo sinabi n’ya? Napamura! “T@#g In@#g ‘yan! Ang mahal naman n’yan!” “Ako hindi ako magri-risk ng ganyan” Tapos natawa ko ng malakas! Medyo pangasar yung tawa ko kaya nung tinignan n’ya ko, sinabi ko na lang… “Sorry bro, natawa ko sa sinabi mo.” Tapos binigyan ko s’ya ng advice… “Pre, alam mo sa business pinaka madaling solusyunan ’yang kapital!” Sagot n’ya lang… “Basta ako hindi ako magri-risk ng ganyan kalaki” Kaya iniba ko na lang topic namin. Ayun, hanggang ngayon employed pa din ‘yung classmate ko. Tandaan mo din, sa business kapital talaga pinaka madali sa lahat. Pwede ka ngang pumunta sa banko papautangin ka eh. Pumunta ka sa mall may mag-aalok sa’yo ng credit card. Meron na ngang website na nagpapautang (DoctorCash.ph). Tandaan mo, pera …‘yan ang pinaka madali sa negosyo. Alam mo kung anong mahirap? Itong apat na ‘to… 1) CLEAR GOALS - Sa business kaylangang may specific income goal ka. Hindi kasi pwede yung sasabihin mo lang na gusto kong mag-business. O kaya gusto kong magka extra income. Medyo malabo yun! Kaylangan detalyado. Gawin mo ask yourself, anong plano mo sa business mo? Magkano ang gusto mong kitain? Kaylan mo yun gustong kitain. Maglagay ka ng detalye sa goals mo. Kaya may mga nagfe-failed, kasi wala silang malinaw na goals. Wala silang target! 2) GAME PLAN - Sabi ni Benjamin Franklin… “If you failed to plan, you are planning to fail.” Totoo yun! Dapat may step by step kang plano sa business mo. Sa’kin meron akong notebook andun lahat ng 1 year to 5 years plan ko for my company. Pag may gusto kong ma-achieve, sinusulat ko lahat dun yung magiging plano ko. Detelyado at bawat steps snusulat ko dun sa notebook ko. 2) BUSINESS STRATEGY - Syempre dapat may strategy ka. Ano ba ang strategy? Ito simpleng example… Kunwari gusto mong maghukay ng lupa. Gagawa ka kasi ng swimming pool. Tanong anong strategy ang gagamitin mo? Gagamit ka ba ng pala, o gagamit ka ng traktora? Sagot ng iba “Syempre traktora!” Hep! Hep! Teka lang! Tandaan mo may pros and cons yang dalawang strategy na yan. Pala - Mura lang, pero mabagal tsaka nakakapagod. Traktora - Mabilis talaga pero syempre kaylangan mong mag-invest ng pera. Ang tanong anong strategy ang mas OK sa sitwasyon mo. 4) PROVEN SYSTEM - Last but not least… dapat may sistema ka. All successful business ay built sa system It’s just a systematic way of delivering a product/service to customers. Pag wala kang sistema, hindi mag go-grow ang business mo. Hindi kasi madu-duplicate. Tignan mo yung McDonalds. Di ba may sistema na sila? Lahat ng puntahan mong McDo halos pare-parehas lang. Kasi may sistema silang ginagamit at sinusunod. Yang apat na ‘yan… Yan yung mahirap. Sa mga gustong magnegosyo, meron din akong alam na pwede mong maging negosyo. Ang maganda hindi mo kaylangang maglabas ng P300,000 or ng P100,000. Kung may pambili ka ng Starbucks, pwede mong simulan ‘to. Ang maganda we will also provide you with a solid Game Plan. Tuturuan ka din namin ng mga Marketing Strategy. At may ipapagamit din ako sa’yong Proven System. Magagamit mo lahat ng ‘yan para makuha mo yung specific income na gusto mong kitain.

[im0jie]

Love and Friendship

2013

Year of Snake (in Chinese Calendar)

Year of FAITH (for Catholic)

this is one of the most HAPPIEST Year...

nagsimula ang TAON na to ng may kakaibang NGITI saking LABI

maraming dahilan para maging masaya

syempre ngsimula yan sa FAMILY ko...

OK naman ang lahat.. so far so good! =')

gagraduate na sila Ebeng and Aay sa Elem... I'm so excited!

sana handa na sila sa next EPISODE ng LIFE nila...

ajah.. kayang kaya nyo yan...

Syempre mawawala ba ang BESTFRIENDS ko...

Girl BestFriend: Noreen (My deer)

Boy BestFriend: Yhatz (Best) (JJ,)

PaGirl BestFriend: Melvin (Espren)

TiBoy Bestfriend: Telang (Parekoy)

(,'') makakalimutan ko ba ang poging pogi kong OM (Boss D)

and gwapings na SUP (Coach Mccoy)

at mga officemates na mahilig kumain.. Team Lamon!

si #1 Carlito Bernardino (Councilor of District 5, QC) at Kgd Jon-Jon na nagtitiwala saming

kakayahan... at sa mga kalokohan naming nakakaloka!

si SK Chairman Neil at ang mga pangMODEL na SK Kagawads

lalo na si.... hahaha... kasi nga SIKAT!

si Carla Irel (Pres of SK5) at ang BAGBAGers... na miss ko yung iba!

makakalimutan ko ba si...

The Happiness Of Mine

or simply th♥m... 14344 5254

♥

♥

♥

haaayyyy.. thnx kay Ishi at Edison..

for inviting us sa kakaibang experience...

jan ko nakilala ang Bhaby Qhoe...

Ano nga bang dahilan kung bakit ako sumama sa event na yun!?

Personally, para makapagRELAX... makaLANGHAP ng sariwang hangin!

makapagISIP ISIP... para maging MASAYA!

bukod dun....

kaya kasama ko si BEST at si ESPREN kasi...

Alam kong First Time ni Espren na makakaattend sa ganitong event...

pariseo ata yun eh! hahaha...

at si Best.. marami kasing problems yun lately..

I try to talk to him pero di kinaya ng power ko...

kelangan na ata ng tulong ni BRO!

haaayyyyy... sana maging OK na sila but unfortunately I fail..

walang epekto... (Bakit kaya?)

haayyyyy naku 0_o !!!!!

Let's go back to Bhaby qhoe...

hanggang ngayon kinikilig pa din ako pag NAAALALA ko siya...

ang TAONG nakapagBREAK ng RULES...

yung SMILE nya, yung sweetnesss, yung titig nyang.. ewan...

I'm so INLOVE... that moment is magical.. parang may SLOWMO...

parang Once upon a TIME I fall INLOVE (Again!!!) hahahaha

lahat ng tao inaabangan ang magiging resulta ng lahat..

ang kahahantungan ng mga pangyayari...

maraming tao ang naging masaya para sakin..

pero may mga nag-alala...

first time kasi nila akong makita sa ganitong senario...

parang hindi ako... parang hindi bagay sakin...

pero for me Everything is PERFECT...

but still it's SO G(-)(-)D to be TRUE!

I thought I LIVE my LIFE to the FULLEST...

but the TRUTH is... I LIVE my LIFE to the FOOLEST...

at sa likod ng story... may nangyayari pa lang...

ewan ko ba kung anong tawag dun.. WAY WAYs...

para akong nasa intablado..

pinapanuod ng lahat hindi ko nga alam kung pano ko sya ikikwento...

pero kahit na ganoon napatawad ko na sila!

I FORGIVE.. Yes I did! but I will never FORGET.. (How will I?)

It ended so soon.. a LONG STORY in a SHORT period of TIME!

pero ang pinakamahalaga dun... Marami tayong natutunan...

Marami akong naintindihan... Maraming Marami..

pero ang nanatiling tanong sa sarili ko....

nasan yung FRIENDSHIP? totoo ba yun?

😘😘😍

GOD is G(-)(-)D... All the time!

buti na lng at may mga BestFriends akong napakaSUPPORTIVE!

payong kaibigan mula sakin My Deer

revenge at kalokohan mula kay Espren

comfortzone from Best... at maboteng usapan with parekoy!

I don't know HOW TO TRUST.. WHOM to TRUST! and WHY?

Everything turns in BLUE...

Good thing that Power Hug and Virtual Hug... ease the PAIN!

THANKS!!! You're ALWAYS be the BEST...

thanks for being there...

sabi nga....

"Kung hindi pa kayang hilumin ng panahon ang pusong sugatan!

hayaan mo muna itong masayahan

kasama ng tunay mong kaibigan"

🎵🎵🎵

yun nga lng...

may mga panahon talagang sinasagad yung pasensya mo...

yung tipong YOU almost give up...

tapos dadagdagan ka ng HEAVY LOAD...

nakikisabay...

tipong yung Project and Activity natin hindi mauubos,

pero yung pasensya ko... konting konti na lng...

mukhang tumubo ng bonggang bongga ang sungay ng usa (deer)!

haaayyyyy... distancia amiga... por pabor!

nagSIMULA ng magpakilala ang mga tao sa paligid ko...

at ang nagiisang natira... ay IKAW...

buti nalng nanjan ka... and in return..

tutulungan nman kitang maging maayos ang lahat...

your Family and Personal Problem... even Love Life!

kahit alam kong mejo masakit...

❤️❤️❤️

Here WE GO AGAIN... =')

kayang kaya...

[justloggascaw]

For J,

Hindi ko nilagay sa bag mo yung journal para sa wala. Alam kong curious ka din sa nakasulat dun. Lahat ng nabasa mo dun are all my unspoken thoughts. Unspoken thoughts about someone and I guess you already knew who it is, kung hindi mo pa kilala kung para kanino it’s for you. Asking me kung bakit para sayo I guess alam mo ma kung bakit cause you’re aware of it. Hindi ko yan sinulat at binigay sayo para sa chance or what. I already accepted the fact na hanggang friends lang nothing more nothimg less mula nung naging kayo ni Mheng. I fell for you in the most unexpected time in my life. I realized one day na ikaw na pala yung tinitibok mg puso ko (ang corny kainis!) but it’s true. I don’t know the reason why I fell for you. I tried to find the reason why, but I ended up with nothing. I want to find the reason why I fell for you for me to have a reason to be mad at you maybe because of that I can finally move on 100%. Yes, I’ll admit I’m still in the moving on process kahit wala namang naging tayo. You know what for me imposible yun mangyaring eh yung mag momove ka kahit walang naging kayo. Totoo pala yun ‘cause I have experienced it all by myself. At hindi siya madali. Yung tipong bawat sakit na naranasan mo hindi mo aakalain na mararanasan mo yun. But the all the pain you’ve caused me unintentionally taught me a lesson. Lessons that I will bring till the end. I realized maybe be I assumed things na hindi naman dapat ganun yung pagkakaintindi ko, I forgot to think outside the box which is dapat hindi ko kinalimutan. Lahat ng journal entries na nabasa mo ay kulang pa para masabi ko ang lahat sayo. Cause I can’t find the exact words and words are not enough to express it. 

So, let me tell you a story. We first met when we’re in second year college. You are a transferee and I’ll admit I’m aloof to you. But I don’t know how and why we clicked together. I found myself being comfortable with you as my guy friend which is weird cause it will take a long time for me to be comfortable with guys. As the days pass by I suddenly found myself falling for you and I know falling for you can harm me BIG TIME (and it happened). You and Mheng became an item. I found out that you courted her and you ended up having a relationship with her. And by that time I already told myself to stay away from you and her ‘cause I’m hurt even though I don’t have any rights to you. And I know that you’ve noticed it.Third year came and you two have a lot of misunderstanding, on off relationship. And I tried to act civil with you and I made it! I survived that year. You joined Mr. and Ms. MC, I really don’t want to handle that event but I’ve got no choice. It’s my responsibility as an officer. You keep on asking me to join you in the backstage and I refused. You don’t know when you asked me that question I asked Arvee’s advice if I should say yes or no. He told me take a risk. I should take the risk cause maybe I can gain something from it or maybe I’ll be hurt again. After my conversation with Arvee I said yes, and I’m aware with the possible outcomes. During the whole preparation and during the actual event it seems like we regain our friendship before. Pre-pageant, you came with your family while you’re preparing I talk to Arvee if he can assist you caused I’m thinking about Mheng maybe she’ll be mad at me cause I’m helping you. I remembered I told you that I don’t want to stay in the backstage but I changed my decision right away and decided to stay. And everything happens like a blink of an eye. Coronation Night. You saw Mheng and I talking. The moment she asked me about you I saw how concerned she is to you. And it makes everything awkward between the two of us by that time. I know she want to stay with you in the backstage but you didn’t let her. You told her that you can’t change the persons with you caused it was written in the paper approved by the SSC. Days passed and we had a seminar in Pasay. Early that day Jhen showed me a screenshot of Mheng’s post about your closure with her. That you choose someone else over her and they thought it’s me. That’s why I decided to stay away from you again because I don’t want to be engage with your issues with her and your break-up. That’s why sometimes I’m interacting with you in a nice way or I will interact with you the other way around. Vacation came. I told myself to keep moving on. I told myself to stop thinking about everything about you. But I failed. Simple candy wrappers, foods, songs can remind me of you. Sometimes I hate myself for being sentimental. Before the school year starts I already set my mind to ignore everything about you and your actions. First day came and you ruined my mind set. Just seeing you brings a lot of memories. Memories that pained me. By August if I’m not mistaken I accidentally saw your wallpaper and it’s a girl. I thought that girl is Maan but I’m wrong because her name is Mean, quite close only one letter difference. I don’t know if you’re aware that I knew the girl already I accidentally found her IG account while I’m browsing and I have this habit of checking every account to get some feed inspirations while I’m browsing her account I saw the exact photo in your phone and on her IG posts and from that moment I already knew that she’s the girl. You know how addicted I am posting in InstaSnap and one time while I’m checking who viewed my snaps I saw her name and she visited my account in different days until and I got curious because we don’t follow each other account that’s why I decided to follow her. Days pass I had a misunderstanding with my friends and you and Paje, Liezl, Dann, Kevs are there for me. Which strengthen the friendship and closeness every day.

I tried to ignore your actions and I don’t put any malice or I assumed about anything. But people surround us keeps on pushing that there’s a chance for us. Your actions confused me sometimes and you can’t blame me if I assumed things cause I’m still in the process of moving on. And I always asked myself every night “Ano ba ko para sayo?” “Saan ba ko lulugar?” in the end I lectured myself that no matter what happen in one whole day there’s no meaning behind it we’re just friends and nothing more. But even I remind myself every day I still got hurt. I am disappointed at you when I didn’t feel your presence and support during our SSC Campaign, you’re too vocal about supporting me but I didn’t feel it at all. The moment Ivy, Steff and I saw you in 7eveleen with Arvee disappoints me more. I cried because of disappointment not because I lose. But I thought why I am acting that way I don’t have any rights. Cause you just see me as a friend and it’s just me who developed some feelings. Unrequited Love. October 12. You and Mean posted a photo. And by that simple photo its broke my heart into a million pieces. I can’t believe that it is possible to be broken even you’re broken. Imagine how painful it is, how emotionally wreck I am. I don’t know how to express my feelings that night that’s why I decided to made a journal. The opening journal you’ve read and from that moment I made up my mind that journal notebook will be yours one day. When I finally have the courage and braveness I’ll give it to you. And recently I thought to give it to you before the year ends. I want to start anew next year. I want to close the book about the two of us.

This will be the kind of risk I want to take. I’ll risk everything just for you to know my thoughts. I’ll listen to Arvee’s advice about risking. I know it can affect the two of us but I want to end this. I’m too tired dealing with pain every day. Too tired to think about everything that concerns you. I’m too tired. I already accepted the fact we can’t be together. We’re just friends. Cause I witnessed how you really want that girl I mean your girl. You looked for books she wants you even want to deal with what she likes. And I’ll give my support to you. If you’re happy with her, I’ll be happy. Your happiness… I mean the happiness of people around me is my happiness. I am selfless person. You influence me in different ways. I never eat in Karenderia and I’m not fond of street foods. I just learned how to eat in Karenderia and how to appreciate street foods whenever I spend time with you and your friends. I learned to open up myself to everyone when I met you. I let my guards down. You taught me a lot of lessons. Don’t assume. Know your limit. Stop giving false hope to yourself. Know when to stop. Learn to accept things. The greatest lesson you have taught me is to be “AFRAID FALLING LOVE”. Love scares me big time. After having my shattered heart shattered again. I’ll heal all the wounds first before I can love again. If you gonna ask me why I fell inlove with you. I can’t give you any reasons. I woke up one day that you’re so special to me. But don’t worry being in a process of moving on can be long. And here I am taking the last step. This will help me freed myself from you. I will not carry any burden thoughts every single day. You’re my kind of “SO CLOSE YET SO FAR” “THE DREAM I CAN’T ACHIEVED” “MY ONE THAT GOT AWAY”. Thanks for all the Lessons I have learned from you. Finally, I already said everything. I hope this will not affect the bond we have inside the four corner of our room.

[misszhab-blog]

Pharmacy Student

High school palang ako hindi ko alam na may course na Pharmacy. Gusto ko talagang i-take dati ay BS Biology or Nursing. I have no idea about Pharmacy. Then my dad told me na yun ang kunin ko (Pharmacy) and he told me that if hindi ko i-tatake ang pharma, hindi niya ako pagaaralin. Si mommy din sabi niya “ yun na kunin mo anak, tutal magaling ka naman mag memorize diba? Kaya mo yun”. And syempre ako naman, dahil hindi daw ako pag-aaralin pag hindi pharma kukunin ko, yun na in-enroll ko sa college.

Then nung nag enroll ako, Nakita ko sa curriculum na puro chemistry and math yung mga subject, parang napaisip ako na “sh*t, chem?? Yang subject na yan ako mahina, paano ako makaka survive sa pharma.” Dahil no choice talaga ako wala akong ginawa kundi mag enroll. Then on the first day of school. syempre lahat hindi magkakakilala. Dahil mahiyain ako, natapos yung first day ko na wala akong kilala maliban sa mga classmates ko nung high school na same course kinuha namin. Then eto na Chemistry na subject ko which is 3hrs yung lab the next is Lecture for 1 and 1/2 hr. 2x a week pa yung subject ko na yun. Sobrang hirap na hirap talaga ako sa chem na kahit anong gawin ko parang hindi ko talga siya maintindihan. Huhuhu. Hindi ko ala kung susuko na ba ako or ano? Pero ayun, tinuloy ko pa din. natapos ang first sem ko na walang bagsak, Kaso may 3 ata akong tres. Sympre isa na dun yung Chemistry ko. Hahaha. Then on the 2nd sem, nagkaroon na ko ng bagsak Pharmaceutical Calculation. Sobrang iyak ako that time.Kasi sobrang pinag puyatan ko yung subject na yun kasi simula palang alam kong tagilid nako sa subject na yun. Pero ayun nga, bumagsak ako. And that time nung nalaman ko na yung grades ko. Yun na din pala yung time na maghihwalay na yung parents ko. Masakit sobra parang double kill yung nangyari sakin. :( Kasi after so many year sa hiwalayan lang pala mauuwi yung not-so-happy-family namin. :(Kaming 3 magkakapatid kay mommy kami sumama, kahit alam namin na parang walang ipambubuhay samin si mommy kasi wala siyang work. pereo still, may support pa din naman kami natatangap kay daddy.

Going back to my pharma life, Before mag enrollment for 2nd year, kinausap ko na si daddy na mag shisihift nako ng course from Pharma to BA Marketing (eto talaga hindi ko alam bat yan yung course na napili ko para mag shift. Hahaha) Pumayag naman siya, pero himala yun ha. Kasi gusto talaga niya na pharma ako. Then eto na nga while I’m taking this course (Marketing) hindi ko alam sa sarili ko bakit parang hinahanap ko sa course na yun yung about sa pharma. Hahaha. Ewan ko talaga. Well, natapos ko naman yung marketing ng isang sem. Mas nagulat ako sa desisyon ko na mag shift ulit sa pharma kasi parang nung time nung Marketing pa course ko napapaisip nako na siguro pharma talaga course na para sakin, kasi same kami ng Pharmacy ng Patron saint. (Cosmas and Damian) Hahaha. And ayun 2nd yr 2nd sem, Bumalik ako sa dati kong school to continue pharma. Okay na’ko. Okay na grades ko. Mataas na, Yung binagsak ko na PharmCal pasado na at mataas na yung grade ko. Hahaha.

December 2011 nagkasakit yung daddy ko. I think mild stroke yun pero sabi niya hindi daw. Hindi din ako naniwala sa kanya. To make this story short Hidi kami nakaapg aral ng kapatid ko nang 1 year kasi nga nagkasakit siya na COPD and Heart enlargent. And September of 2012, my father died. Sobrang sakit samin magkakapatid nung nangyari kay daddy. Pero we’re all thankful kay lord kasi hindi niya na pinahirapan yung daddy namin. 

I continue studying pharma sa isang school sa U-belt. Ganon din nagkaroon din ako ng bagsak take note 2 subject pa this time at hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko kasi paaral lang ako nahihiya ako sa ninang ko. I transfered again to another school after having a failing grade from that university. Pero this time okay na naging grades ko sa school na yun. Matataas yung grades ko. Hindi ako nakakuha ng tres. Hahaha. But, may isang subject ako nung 4th year na sobrang nahirapan ako kasi, magkasabay yung thesis and yung parang review class namin. Yes, Nakasurvive ako sa thesis namin, but this review class ako nagka problema. After the Pre-board namin sa review class na yun nag announce yung Dean namin na gagawing daw niyang 65% yung cut-off ng grades namin. So eto na nga, lumabas yung grades namin and yung grade ko is 63.72% lang, hindi umabot sa cut-off. Sobrang depress an depress ako non. May oras na ayoko na umuwi sa bahay namin kasi nahihiya ako kay mommy sa ninang ko at sa Step father ko na silang nagpapaaral sa’kin na yung pinapaaral nila e bumagsak. :( Dumating din yung time na hindi ako makausap ng ayos, hindi kumakain at parang walng pakielam sa mundo. One week kami umasa ng mga classmates ko na baka ibaba pa ng dean namin yung cut-off niya. Nagkaroon kami ng 3 removal exams. After the 3rd removal exam. God is good. He answers our prayer. Nag announce yung dean namin na Lahat kami ay GRAGRADUATE na. Sobrang saya ng batch namin nung in-announce yung nung dean namin.

Hindi pa po ako board passer by August pa po ako mag tatake. Hahaha. Gusto ko lang po ishare tong Pharmacy life ko, Parang hindi na nga pharmacy life eh kasi parang buong buhay ko kinwento ko na dito. Hahaha.

Gusto ko lang sabihin dun sa mga lower year na, wag kayong susuko dahil sa mga mahihirap na subjects natin sa pharma. Kahit, Sobrang hirap niyan, Kakayanin natin. Lagi naman nasa tabi natin si God pra i-guide tayo. Kung peron man tayong hindi maintindihan sa mga subjects natin. Pray muna tayo bago natin pagaralan mabuti yung mga subjects na yun. Basta, Always trust God and God will do the rest. :) 

Issa Zabrina F. Ramos

Soon to be Registered Phamacist

August 2017