#fantasies about someone/something you shouldn't be desiring could make you feel guilty about it

[animeloversworldsblog]

Guren Ichinose victim of emotional and physical abuse

Guren is someone who is always guilty for every act he commits, he is seen as a genocidal and a bad person who has played with people's lives as he pleases, but what I have noticed is that many ignore that Guren is a victim of emotional and physical abuse, that he has made mistakes, and he himself knows what was his biggest mistake in life, he is naive, he is abusive, but only with himself, he is a boy that anyone can hurt him and even so he keep trying and striving for the people he love. He always cares about others, he always tries to strive to be a better person and does nothing but try again and again to learn, teach, fight only to protect others.

Many ignore the fact that his misfortunes began from the moment he interacted with a completely toxic and abusive girl, where many say that it was one of the best things that happened to guren, which is actually seen, a little boy who begins to show and feel like a person without value, without self-esteem. Guren since he starts interacting with Mahiru since he was 5 years old shows signs of emotional abuse, such as manipulation, control and being forced and pressured into something that he is not, he was just a naive and innocent child, she is his trauma, that trauma that prevented him from growing as a person and seeing that there are many more things than just feeling like garbage all the time. But mahiru was not an innocent girl, already at that age she was aware of many things, the worst of all, that of hurting an innocent family that had nothing to do with her simply because she wanted revenge on her family. 

Many speak of guren being in love of mahiru from 5 years to adolescence, and even still 24 years old.

Guren was never in love, the emotional abuse that guren has suffered since he was a child by mahiru is not love, since she forced his mind and turned it into a fantasy bond. Guren being a child falls in love with the idea of ​​childhood love not with mahiru, guren think that interect with her is the most normal thing, so he created an illusionary connection with her, created a sense of safety and security so guren begins to feel responsible for her from the moment they take mahiru by force and he feels that he could not protect her. Now when guren grows he still feels affection towards her, an attached because guren wants to protect them all equally. But the illusion connection guren created as child making see that the reality wasn't how he think it was as child, he even realized that was a childhood thing and he was naive. Guren sees her as his childhood friend, but he does not show to be in love, also the first thing that saito tells guren is that he is in love and is strong for her, to which guren immediately rejects that and even when she appears guren rejects her more than once without doubt. 

Why do I say that guren was never in love, and his relationship with mahiru was nothing more than abuse, control and destruction? Because drive guren more and more to madness to the point that he lost all sense of self so much that he could no longer see himself realistically anymore.

Guren shouldn't be romanticized in catastrophe at 16 with Mahiru saying that he was in love when in reality he was being forced to love and protect a completely destructive and toxic person to the point of wanting to destroy everything that Guren truly valued and truly loved. 

His interaction with mahiru is nothing more than destructive, not love, he was too pressure for her that in more than one occasion he did not want to get involved with her, and even refuses to be like her and follow her orders, because he knew that she was problematic. In more than once, he wants to keep her away from him, he did not want to know anything about her, and he even began to realize that getting involved with her would make him regret later, guren was mentally healthy with his friends, his family but every time guren got involved with her, or even every time she was mentioned guren shows many signs of being a victim of abuse by mahiru, not of being in love when is far away from be it, guren feel depressed and useless just by being close to her, even as a child Guren begins to interact, not with a girl as she should be at her age, but with an illusion, Guren creates a fantasy bond with her and there she begins to kill his innocence because guren begins to blame himself for not protecting her and carries great guilt and low self-esteem ever since, he begins to have a fantasy bond that offers an illusion of love which prevents real emotional contact and how he is a kid he have no idea of what is being in love he even idolized her so much, so when he grow up what he feels for her is caring bcs to him she was still the innocent girl he met and the victim of her family. Their interaction did nothing but destroy Guren and lead him to this day to be completely damaged and to do what he is doing simply for the fact of getting involved with her. Guren has no options, he can't just get rid of her. He can't achieve things of his own, would be great to him do that bcs he tried it, instead to follow her orders and executes her plan. But he has no option bcs he is not even owner of his body. 

Guren demonstrates from the first moment he meets her, like an innocent child, is that the initial encounter and perception of him strongly influenced his developing relationship with Mahiru. If guren had understood from the beginning that she was not who she seemed to be, and that she was simply hiding behind a facade of what she appeared to be, then guren would have been more cautious about getting involved with her. But guren showed his personality, sensitivities, emotional sensitivity and, above all, conscience, something that a person as manipulative, controlling and forcing, since she was a child, like mahiru, saw and took advantage of, knowing that with those possibilities she could hook guren to get involved with her because he was a kind, sentimental and affectionate child and, of course, because he wanted to help her. Mahiru was initially interested in his kindness, and often praised him for the wonderful child that he was. But that praise for those qualities was minimized because she was using him in the service of someone who didn't really care about him. She really only cared about what he could do for her.

All this gets even worse when he sees her again at school which, you can see a guren who feels incompetent, does not smile, or feel happy every time he sees her and talks to her even before mahiru started to murder and drag guren to madness, guren never shows signs of feeling good or happy when she is around him or talks to her, always doubts and feels like trash, vulnerable .Guren does nothing but want to help her, he feels responsible and attached to her, throughout the novel Guren does nothing but please her, because he believes that that would make her feel better,  he feel pity for her, so he think that do whatever she wants is gonna make her feel better she wanna to be hug, kiss and sleep with him bcs she ask all that, so guren does that, he even ask himself if do what he does with her is the right choice but is nothing romantic in all that with her, is just to pleased her, out of pity and bcs to him she was just a poor girl with many problems, so he wants to comfort her bcs maybe that help her. The only thing guren know for sure is that he wanted to help her and save her bcs he felt responsible for her, bcs he was weak as child and couldn't protect her so he tried to repair his weakness with her. But his feeling for her are not for love. Even on resurrection guren was able to realize that it wasn't his fault all what mahiru did, (playing the victim role), but he was a victim of her and that he felt fear and knows he was being manipulate from her when he was a child. Guren is in pain bcs his friends were death not for mahiru, he was literally crazy in the end and he couldn't see the reality anymore, after she died guren back to not be manipulate and he not even care if she was death he just care for his friends and what he did to the world even that wasn't his fault but mahiru, because he was forced for her to do it.

What guren always loved the most was his dad, his family in aichi and his friends and he let that clear more than once. He let clear that bcs he slept with her that doesn't mean they are something else and have to take responsibility for that. Guren in all the novel show the opposite to be in love and wanted to be with her bcs he let that clear, even he rejected the offer from kureto to be with her. He loved mahiru as a childhood friend and want to saved her from darkness that is how guren see her after he woke up and was able to see that she wasn't what he thought she was. That she was nothing but a monster. So he had to learn all that by forced.

Every time guren talk to her, he feel exhausted, emotionally drained, and negative

She creates on him psychological weakness by undermining his's confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth

When guren involve with her, he is lead by fear, as a victim of emotional abuse often is, it cuts him off from the full experience of who he is. In other words, it diminishes his self-esteem and makes him doubt of himself, and then he give over his power.

She always twist his thoughts, actions, wants and desires into something that better suits how she sees the world and she mold him into someone that serves her own purposes.

She also tries and makes him believe that she's doing a better job of “loving him” so that he'll be more willing to set aside what he wants in order to feel like him “love her just as much.” It's a sick mind game.

When a person as guren, is being manipulated there is no room for love because it has been replaced with chaos. Wherever there is consistent confusion there can be no resolution, and therefore no love. This is the love guren feel toward her

She wasn't interested in loving him, she was interested in he loving her and conforming to her needs; then convincing him that this is love. She forced him and pushed guren to lover her. 

Guren isn't confident enough to leave her, bcs to him she is a victim and an innocent one, so she thrive on keeping him down, bcs she constantly tries to isolate him by telling him that his friends and family are bad influences that doesn't let him to be strong so she threatened him to killed them so he can't leave and find something better. 

The Unhealthy love here is a crap-shoot. The pace is fast, quickly dominating guren by moving him into the role of the subservient. 

In reality, his emotional health, happiness, and self-worth was all going swiftly down the pan as a result of being with her in all the novel as child, teenager and even having 24.

Guren feel so guilty every time he is with her, that he start to feel constantly like he did something wrong. But that is the formula. The formula of emotional abuse is that he feel like he did something wrong. He feel like he is the problem. He feel like he's at fault, like he could do better.

Every time guren interact with her she always degrade his body. Tell him weak, too slow. He doesn't run fast enough to came and save her. That he is not strong enough. She make fun of his ability and power, call him names just to make fun of him. Making fun of his achievements, hopes and dreams

He feel depressed, anxious, unlovable, full of dread, feeling on edge all the time, or feeling like he is "crazy" and doubting what he knows. 

He increased mental stress just to be around her

How she knows his weak spots, she use them to wound him. She makes comments and take actions that are meant to leave him feeling vulnerable and upset.

He feels constantly anxiety.

His self-confidence is compromised, which lead him to feelings of helplessness, shame, despair, as well as resentment, guilt, and disgust and even decline in self-care. 

What's most damaging is that it takes away his ability to trust in himself and when that happens, he start to feeling crazy.

Guren question his own sanity and reality in the end of vol 7 to the point to not act like himself anymore he believed and internalize the lies she feed him. And, in turn, that affected how he view himself and his worth. He developed a huge mental disorder.

Guren cannot even heal his wounds or grow up as an individual by himself, when he has been abused by her for 19 years, which has done nothing but damage his mind, his body, his life and that of his family and a lot of people in general. 

What i see in guren:

°A teenager and a man who care so much but he doesn't know how to express it with words with the people he loved the most.

°I always see him get hurt and tries to hide it, even so he can't shared so much how he is in pain for being abuse.

°I see people around him that doesn't understand him at all, only shinya is the most understanding with him. 

°He always is fighting againts his traumas, his failures, his worse nightmares, his worse mistake, his past and present and how he never give up even if that hurts he always tries his best to stand up. 

°I see him trying to achives things of his own terms but being pressure to go against his ideals and beliefs just to try to protect his family and save the world, he always tries to do the best he can, but is not enough, even so he tries. 

° He was feeling guilty and remorse for so many years and seeking redemption, even so he think he doesn't deserve it, he think all is his fault, he is able to let others kill him for his acts and feel guilt, pain, remorse and he cries for that.

° He always tries to make amends, he knows and accepts he was wrong or made a huge mistake and how he regretted it but also how much he works hard to protect people he loved and people that need help. 

° He still stick to his own ideas, he still has ideals, beliefs, and he would like to try others ways, even so he can't because his body and mind are being forced and abused to make other people agenda.

° He always is trying and trying for loved, family, friendship, companion and people who could need his help. 

It is horrible to think that a single person can take your desires, your wishes, your beliefs, your ideals, your life and break it into a thousand pieces simply because there is no one more important than yourself, something that to guren and many others happened simply to get involved with a completely destructive and abusive person. 

Unspeakable things happen to everyone, that does not mean that you can do whatever you want with others. Protection and love does not mean you should sticking around and screw with their life.

Guren is someone that is suffering all this and still is the same guren. He is strong and intelligent on his own right, the only thing in life that made guren being weak was meeting her and was his worse mistake and he repeat it more than once. And what always make guren strong was love and protect his family. Is what always make guren keep his sanity until now. Abuse don't do anything good to him. 

Healthy love is what guren has with his family, always was fun, easy, joyful, open, relaxed, active and quiet. Each one of them, knows it is up to them what type of emotion, attitude and effort they bring into the dynamic with guren. In those healthy dynamics, consciously, guren, choose to focus on the positive qualities of the people he really love. When guren consciously focus on what he love about the others it makes loving them easier, and it makes it easier for all of them to love him. That is healthy to him, it always was.

@dulciasouls1 @ijustwannasomesleep @lottenoir to you girls that always help me. Hope you like it!

[lillupon]

I was thinking about the AEV school trip imagines and thought about what if instead of an overnight trip they would do a day-trip with activities, like those kind of 'teambuilding' activity days we had in high school (I don't know if it's a universal thing but in my high school we had those at least once a year). Usually the teachers ended up joining the games, especially the younger teachers, so I was thinking about Wonwoo letting himself be convinced by his students into joining some games. And then at some point they end up doing one of those shrinking island games (I don't know what the exact name is but it's that game where a group of people have to stand within a limited space, usually played with a large piece of paper). Considering they would play it with the entire group outside, they would use a blanket as 'island'. And of course Wonwoo ends up playing it with Mingyu's group. As the blanket becomes smaller and smaller, Mingyu offers to carry Wonwoo, because all the other male students are already carrying a female student and considering Wonwoo is still alone (it would be inappropriate for him to carry one of his students) and Mingyu is strong enough he says he should carry Wonwoo. When Mingyu first offers, Wonwoo panics and says he really shouldn't do it, and starts making excuses like he weighs too much (even though he already knows Mingyu can carry him without any problems lol) but all the other students cheer them on so they can win the game. Eventually Wonwoo starts feeling guilty that they might lose the game because of him, so he allows Mingyu to carry him. Mingyu can't suppress his smile when he takes Wonwoo into his arms (in a princess carry) and sees the tip of Wonwoo's ears turn red. Wonwoo avoids eye contact because he's internally freaking out, and he curses himself for letting himself be convinced into playing games with his students as he feels Mingyu's arms wrapped around him.

OoOOoOooOo, I like this idea! My school never did anything like that, but maybe it's because I didn't take the right classes, or wasn't in the right clubs. I've never played this game before, but let me try to expand on it anyway:

Wonwoo's stomach swooped as Mingyu scooped him up, as though he weighed hardly more than a feather. His hand instinctively went to Mingyu's shoulder to steady himself.

Their teammates cheered. Wonwoo's face was so hot he swore that steam was rolling off his cheeks. He covered his face with both hands, hiding. His heart was going crazy in his chest, ricocheting off his ribs. It was so risky, putting themselves in this position. Yet he couldn't deny that it was exhilarating, too. This was as close as they could get to showing their affection in public. As close as Wonwoo could get to announcing, Yes, this alpha is mine.

With Wonwoo in his arms, Mingyu squeezed himself into the space between two other students. In the process, Wonwoo's dangling leg whacked someone in the side, eliciting a yelp.

"Sorry," Wonwoo said, shrinking into himself. He pressed a little closer to Mingyu's warm and solid chest. Hesitantly, he rested his head against Mingyu's collarbones. He was just trying to make himself as small as possible, so they could win this game. That was how he justified it to himself, anyway. Besides, no one would think twice about it, not when pairs were in equally intimate positions.

"You're so red. It's cute..." Mingyu whispered, low enough so that only Wonwoo could hear.

Okay, now imagine Mingyu and Wonwoo playing this game before they've gotten together. This takes place earlier on in the school year:

Their blanket-island was folded in half. Students groaned and cursed and laughed as they struggled to fit themselves on the shrunken island. Seungcheol had somehow climbed onto Junhui's shoulders and was sitting atop them. A wide and happy grin stretched across his face. Junhui looked less pleased by the position, but bore the weight. Some students were standing on their friends' feet. Others had clambered onto their friends backs. How anyone thought this game was appropriate to play with hormonal teenagers who just presented, Wonwoo would never know.

Everyone was paired up and pressed close to each other. Even then, it was a tight squeeze, and it left no room for Wonwoo, who had been too slow to claim a place on the island. Wonwoo was left treading shark-infested waters. He had the strange feeling of being thrown back to his high school days, when he had struggled to find a place where he belonged. When he had been the last to be chosen for a team. When he had to go up to the teacher and admit that he couldn't find a partner for a project. Always on the outside, looking in.

"Get on, Mr. Jeon!" a student cried.

"Um, I don't--" Wonwoo fumbled with his fingers as he circled the perimeter of the island, searching for a space he could fit himself into. It wasn't appropriate for him to partner up with a student, but maybe he could squeeze in against some teachers. He spotted Jeonghan and Joshua, but they were already paired up and had their arms wrapped around each other.

"Here, Mr. Jeon," Mingyu said, beckoning him over.

Given Mingyu's popularity among girls, Wonwoo wasn't sure how he had escaped their clutches, but he had.

Wonwoo stopped in front of Mingyu. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. They weren't even touching yet, and already, heat was starting to climb up his cheeks. The thought of their bodies pushed up against each other had his heart racing. He had imagined it often--shamefully--what it might feel like to touch Mingyu, or to have Mingyu touch him.

But he was happy leaving it as just that: a fantasy.

"You can get on my back," Mingyu said.

"I don't know. I'm pretty heavy..." Wonwoo said.

Mingyu snorted. "You're tiny. Pretty sure I could pick you up with one arm."

"There probably isn't enough room for Mr. Jeon to get on your back," Minghao said. "Maybe he can stand on your toes instead?"

"Yeah, sure," Mingyu agreed easily. "Whatever works."

Wonwoo demurred. "I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean, it's not..." It wasn't really appropriate, was it?

"Come on, Mr. Jeon!" Seungcheol said. "Don't you want a free lunch?"

Everybody loved a free lunch, Wonwoo supposed, even teenagers who could blow a hundred dollars on a meal without batting an eye.

When Wonwoo didn't move, other students joined in, goading him on.

It would have been different if he were a female teacher. They wouldn't urge him to do this. But no one suspected that a male teacher could have a crush on an alpha student.

Wonwoo wrestled with himself. If they lost, it would be because of him. This was his only opportunity to touch Mingyu. But he shouldn't tempt himself. This was a line he shouldn't cross.

"Mr. Jeon, please, just get on," Junhui said, red-faced between Seuncheol's thighs. "I'm dying here."

Wonwoo relented, the guilt of letting his teammates down winning over. "Okay, okay." He shuffled a little closer to Mingyu. "Um, how should we do this?"

"I think Minghao's right. You should probably stand on my toes."

Wonwoo bent down to undo his laces.

"Oh, you don't have to do that. Just leave them on."

"I don't want to get your shoes dirty." Wonwoo slipped his shoes off. He took his time with the action, debating how to best stand on Mingyu's toes. Chest to chest? Front to back? Both options seemed dangerous. His throat went dry at the thought of Mingyu's pelvis pressed up against his ass. Was that better or worse than risking having their crotches brush together?

Chest to chest, he decided, since that was what most people had opted for.

"Excuse me," he mumbled. He put an hand on Mingyu's bicep, fingers curling into the sleeve. Gingerly, he stepped onto Mingyu's toes. The uneven arch of Mingyu's feet made him sway.

Mingyu's hands settled on his waist to steady him. The effect was instantenous. Heat flooded through Wonwoo's body; he could feel it pooling all the way at the tips of his ears. He ducked his head to hide the colour on his cheeks.

Wonwoo had never been the partying type back in high school, which was good, since he had never been invited to any. So he had missed out on the party games experience. No Spin the Bottle, no Truth or Dare, no Seven Minutes in Heaven. Being forced into close contact with a person you find attractive must feel something like this. He was torn between fear and nervousness and pleasure.

The number of points of contact was minimal: his hand on Mingyu's arm, Mingyu's hold on his hips. Proximity alone was enough to have Wonwoo's skin tingling all over. The front of their shirts brushed together. It sent a shiver down his spine.

The group had to hold the position for ten seconds in order to survive the round. Those ten seconds seemed to stretch into minutes. Wonwoo held himself stock-still, not daring to breathe. He couldn't detect Mingyu's pheromones because he was on blockers--thank God for small mercies--but the scent of his cologne still made Wonwoo's gut tighten with desire.

Then he made the terrible mistake of peeking up.

Mingyu was already gazing down at him with heavy eyelids and a slight part to his lips. When their eyes met, Mingyu's fingers tightened on his hips.

"That's ten seconds!" someone said.

Heart thudding in his chest, Wonwoo stumbled off Mingyu. He nearly tripped over his feet as he fled to Jeonghan and Joshua's side. He'd stick close to them this next round. He cupped the back of his neck. Felt how hot his skin was under his palm. Mingyu's expression was seared into his mind.

He must have been imagining it, he told himself. But Mingyu had looked at him like... Like he wanted Wonwoo.

Omg I'm crying thinking about how much Mingyu probably wanted to kiss Mr. Jeon in that moment ( ╥ω╥ ) The delicate and reddened tips of Mr. Jeon's ears, the way Mr. Jeon peered up at him, a little scared. Holy shit, it probably made the alpha inside Mingyu go wild. It was a good thing Mr. Jeon moved away when he did, because Mingyu might not have been able to resist!

[heresathreebee]

That G-D Ring of Yours

High Fidelity’s Robyn Brooks X Female reader

Summary: You seek comfort from your neighbor Rob

Masterlist

There's probably gonna be a part 2

Word count: 2.5k words

Warning(s): +15 | implied cheating, internalized homophobia, heterosexism, author and Rob swearing, no hate to polyamorists but major hate to bad faith players, shameless self insert, no beta, barely edited, long as fuck I'm so sorry

Author's note: I'm having anxiety for no discernable reason and my brain has decided this is ideal fuel for a fic, so please enjoy. EDIT: ha ha yeah still anxious but we're doing stuff about it

-------------------------------------------------------

"-- And she just touched my hand by accident and I just felt this–  this spark between us…" 

It was so sweet how he was talking about it. Or at least it would be were this not your fiancé explaining how he had been seeing another person behind your back. Had you rushed into things with him? Gotten hitched after three months because of familial pressure to settle down and start your family? Quite possibly.

But it didn't make that stabbing in your gut hurt any less. 

You had been a little gung-ho from date number 1, but he had been right there with you the whole time. Date number 2 happened the following weekend and then you just kept seeing each other more and more until before you knew it you had been introduced to each other's extended families and announced your engagement on Valentine's Day. 

You started to suspect something was amiss on Sunday, when you were braiding your hair on the bed and he had gone to take a shower. He accidentally set his phone screen aside with a text chat still open. Thinking nothing of it (he had already told you he was talking to Mark about getting drinks tonight), you looked at the name and saw it belonged to a woman you had never heard of before. Your immediate reaction was 'she must be a new coworker or a cousin,' but then you glanced again and saw the text conversation mirrored the same kind of ‘sentiments’ he texts you. 

The dirt burned into your brain for eternity: 

You had looked away then. You were actually not going to say anything at all to him that night– had planned to bring it up after Tuesday dinner with your auntie's family, but something came up. It turns out that Jessabelle also frequented the same Starbucks as you (and she's your age, not a teen like you worried). You can't even find it in you to be mad at her since it seemed like she had no idea who you were when she showed you the picture of her date at a baseball game. You tried not to puke as you asked for her number and to send her that picture "for her contact profile." 

You hadn't heard a word your fiance had said since the beginning of the phone call and you cut him off with some excuse you barely remember. You tossed your phone carelessly onto the couch and laid back on the cushions in defeat. What now? 

You weren't really a drinker or a smoker, and you didn't exactly have friends who would be supportive right now. You could hear them now, your family too– asking you what you did wrong, telling you to just forgive him or how to get even, or simply saying 'well what do you expect? Boys will be boys.' 

Maybe… no, you definitely need to get this off your chest before you do something stupid like pretend to forget about it. You had a bad habit of that because you tend to fall fast and hard. Perhaps your neighbor could give you some advice. 

Thank the Lord for fire escapes. Rob lived on the floor beneath you, always playing something good from her huge collection of vinyl records. You've told her at least a hundred times before if she played nothing but Phil Collins for the rest of eternity, you could die happy. You crossed your fingers and hoped you weren't being weird or invading her privacy. 

Thankfully, she seemed to be expecting you. She even motioned that the latch was undone and waved you inside. Ok the second wine glass made your face grow hot. 

"I'm not interrupting am I?" 

Rob gave you a warm smile. "I could hear you pacing around your kitchen for about an hour. Was about to come and get you actually." 

She pressed the glass into your hand and you made an effort not to grimace. Rob liked her drinks cheap and strong and she never held back. You tried a sip just to be polite, and she snorted at the face you pulled. 

"That's right, you like that sweet stuff. What's it called again?" 

"Stella Rosa," you mumbled, grateful when she takes the glass back and hands you a water to replace it. 

"Favorite flavor," she asked looking at her phone. 

"Uh… the peach and the rosé. They're all pretty good, not gonna lie." 

"OK, take this, grab a blanket from the hall closet, and tell me what's going on." 

You curled up on Rob's couch and put your feet up. There were piles of records all over the place, empty beer cans and a pizza box or two on the coffee table. Your neighbor tapped away at her phone screen before silencing it and slipping it in her back pocket. She gave you a minute or two to speak up, sipping her drink like you two had all night. Which actually you did as you did not want to see your fiancé right now. 

You felt two fingers gently tap your forehead. "Come on, dreamer, tell me what's going on in that head of yours." 

You swallow the lump in your throat. "I feel a little over dramatic saying my life is about to fall apart." 

Rob raised her eyebrows at you. "Damn, OK." 

You rush to correct yourself– explain your weird sentiment in more detail but you end up just vomiting words until your voice is hoarse. 

"I mean– like– like it's not falling apart per say or whatever– I… the rest of my life is fine its just my relationship that's screwed. Which I guess I'm more worried about because it's gonna screw up all my other relationships for a while too– dang it, let me start over–" 

"Babe! Slow down. Breathe." Rob switched drinks with you and against your better judgement you took a sip. Oddly enough it did calm you down. "So… it's your fiancé, right? What did he do?" 

You stared at her trying to unscramble your thoughts. "He… I found out he was kind of... dating another person. After I found out, he tried to explain that he didn't think I would mind–" 

Rob barked, "let me guess: he didn't think you were exclusive? Pull the Main Chick, Side Chick schtick? Tried to claim 'polyamory' after he got caught?" 

Two and two clicked together at last. "Yeah… yeah, he did!," you scoffed, "and it's not like it didn't ever come up in conversation: we spent our third date talking out our, like, sexualities and fantasies and fetishes and shit. If he was polyamorous, wh- why wouldn't he have brought it up then?" 

"That is so fucked." 

You took a deeper draft of her wine, coughing before setting it aside. Up until now, you've been numb. Now there's this wave of anger boiling up to the surface and you hear yourself getting louder. Rob doesn't flinch but she does give you this look of empathy unlike anything you've seen before. 

"If he– if he would have just asked me, I would have told him it was fine. My family does shit like that all the time: nobody bats an eye! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, he wouldn't have been so freaking sneaky about it. He literally lied, Robyn!" 

You whipped around and for a brief moment you knew you looked crazy. "He said he was going out for drinks with his guy friend, but he was making plans to go to a baseball game with a girl I've never heard of! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, or if he 'thought I would understand,' then why would go out of his way to lie about who he was with?" 

Someone buzzed Rob's door and she left you on the couch momentarily, coming back quickly with two bottles of your favorite wine. "Damn girl, these are kinda bougie: Peach or Rosé?" 

"I--"you choked, "Robyn you didn't have to–" 

"Peach it is!" She unscrewed the caps and handed you the whole freaking bottle of white, downing the last of her merlot and getting a fresh glass for you. 

You felt a little guilty she had spent money on you. But then again it had been her choice. If she didn't want you there, Rob wouldn't have let you in in the first place. Maybe you were just a tinsy bit worried you shouldn't be here. 

You and Rob took a break from talking to put on music and get a little tipsy. It came much easier with the help of the Stella Rosa, though Rob initially complained it was 5.5%, she did get accustomed to the sweetness pretty fast, and after consuming half the bottle, realized it was a little easier to get carried away with a drink like this. She admitted it was her first time trying rosé and now she was hooked. Eventually you started talking again, just spilling your guts out with no filter anymore. 

"I really think I just hate myself," you said cuddling the cool glassware. "When I found out, I wasn't even thinking of it as a betrayal of my trust– it felt like I was trying to come to terms with it so I could continue with the relationship. Not because it would make me happy but because… I don't know… it's what everybody else wants me to do. They don't even know about it and I was fully prepared not to tell them even though they'd want me to marry him whether they knew or not." 

Rob barked a laugh of surprise. "Doh-K!" 

"What?" 

"Nothing, nothing…" she said, "keep going." 

You stared off into the middle distance and leaned into her side. She was a tiny bit warm despite her lithe figure. Made you want to throw your blanket over her shoulders and share your greater warmth. 

So you did (you're not great at acting out your desires but this is nice!)

"It's just easier," the words left your mouth unbidden, "I don't even know what that means, but it's true. I don't want to marry him anymore but I don't want to break it off. Not marrying Fiancé means disappointing my family. It means having to find an entire new man to marry sooner rather than later because I'm already 'behind' and lowering my already low expectations. 

"It's not gonna make me happy, but I just think it's easier to keep this wedding going because at least I won't have to find somebody new who might not be as good for me just because I didn't want him. Another man won't make me happy so there's no reason to drop him... except that I don't want him." 

Rob's brow furrowed. "Are you saying it's easier for you to please your family than it is to be happy?" 

"Yes? I– no, I– … I don't know," you sigh. "I guess you could say my priorities are a little… mismanaged." 

"Sure, you could say that." Rob wrapped her arms around your shoulders and you inhaled the scent of her soap and cigarettes. "What if you tried… like… not doing that anymore...? You just said you do whatever your family wants you to do. So, just like do what makes you happy for a change." 

It really does sound so simple the way she puts it, doesn't it? Why are you doing this to yourself? You're not dependent on them for money or security or happiness for that matter. So... why has your whole life been centered around pleasing them? 

"I think… I think I've never really sat down and thought about what makes me happy," you admitted. "I think it's just been that way forever and I might have been too scared to try anything else." 

Rob hummed. "Are you still scared now?" 

Are you? You look into her eyes and ask yourself a question that has never crossed your mind with such depth. You used to be scared– but what is it about your happiness that you are so afraid of? OK, let’s start a little simpler: what are things that make you happy? 

“I like…” you swallowed, trying to break down the barriers you’ve built years and years ago. “I like… coffee. I like… short skirts. I like… girls– I like… my job. I like… music. I think I’d enjoy camping, you know, some day…” 

Your words… these things seemed so arbitrary and trivial. But in your house, these things cause dissent. “My family has an opinion about everything. There’s no right way to live in all of their eyes, but I think I figured out a way to get past it. Keep my head down and do what’s expected of me. Graduate college, get a respectable job, find a man to marry, drop the job and become a mother. Just… don’t make waves. It seemed better because the cousins who didn’t or couldn’t… well they became the butt of every joke at the family dinner. Lisa had one miscarriage so she was a ‘failure’ and Don never dated girls so he was gay and that was ‘bad,’ but grandma Zelda did everything a good Christian woman could do and they still gossiped about her behind her back… 

“And I just… I just let their ignorance control me for my entire life.” God, you could cry right now, but somehow it just felt too good to say it outloud. “That.. that is so fucked.” 

Robyn snorted, and you turned to her as if you’d forgotten she was there. There it was again, that sympathy. Not pity, she did not burden you with tears of her own or try to be angry for you. She just listened and understood. You twisted the diamond encrusted ring on your finger and stared at her. You felt it, that feeling in your heart. No one else had given you that look, like she could really see you. 

“You’re not going back to Fiancé, are you?” Her question was equal parts worrisome and hopeful and you already knew the answer in your heart. 

“No.”

And that was it. Decision made. Actually easier than you'd thought. Maybe not down the road but it felt good for now. There's the telling your fiancé it's over, the moving out, the public announcement, the inevitable feeling of failure, your family, god, his family too. Untangling your lives would be long and hard. You're not sure if you have that level of commitment and motivation in you but fuck it. Problems for tomorrow.

You rest your head on Rob's shoulder and hope your not pushing any boundaries. She doesn't stop you though, in fact she snuggles you deeper into her. You get the feeling she's been here before though your not sure which side or how bad it was for her.

"I like you way more in the few times I've met you than any man I've ever dated," you heard yourself say. "I'm sure that means something but I'm too tired to decide anymore. No tonight at least."

Rob chuckled. "I like you too, sugar."

If you made it this far, hi 💛 appreciate you, leave me a comment! Or just comment "💛"

[richrainbows]

Sexual Addiction Definition: Overcoming Sexual Fetishes and Managing Them (100% Unique Guide) | Richrainbows

Sexual Addiction Definition

Sexual addiction definition is a condition in which a person becomes overly concerned with ideas or acts that produce a desired consequence.

It entails devoting a significant amount of time to contemplating and/or engaging in sexually addictive behaviors.

Easily available or less accessible (paraphilic) practices are examples of sexual behavioral addictions.

One-night stands or several encounters, connections with prostitutes, seeing pornographic photographs or movies, or compulsive masturbation are all examples of more easily available addictive acts.

There's been a lot of controversy between being sexually active and being a sex addict.

Some people tend to mix this up – seeing a sexually active man and mistaking him to be a sex addict is a whole total misunderstanding.

This is not just restricted to men only – women can also be sex addicts.

Being a sex addict is something strong that takes a while before one can overcome such an act.

It is more like being on drugs which would require some therapy before such a habit can be stopped.

In this article, we would discuss what sex addiction means and how to manage sexual fetishes.

Growing up in your early 20's is when you tend to develop your habits which could be a negative or a positive one.

This is where sex addiction comes in – whereas as a kid, you are being exposed to different adult materials on the television.

Most times, these children pick up bad habits which tend to grow up with them as they get older.

Let's get to understand what it means to be a sex addict. What to learn more about this? Read on.

What is Sex Addiction? (Sexual Addiction Definition)

Sex addiction is referred to as a sexual disorder, hypersexuality, and compulsive sexual behavior usually beyond normal.

Sexual addiction is also known as hypersexuality, sexual reliance, and compulsive sexual behavior disorder. As with other reliance's,

Sexual addiction impacts negatively in an addict's life – with a high frequency of affecting the physical, mental, health, and personal safety.

There is always some form of aggressive nature towards the receiver and can expand your initiative and your business down.

Sex addiction makes one seek out multiple sex partners due to the urge to ease the pain which the receiver gets. These feelings can make someone succumb to excessive masturbation.

This act is purely a form of disorder in which the result would lead you to a compulsive need to masturbate to satisfy your urge.

Sometimes, it propels the receiver to watch pornographic videos and pictures.

People who suffer from sexual addiction wouldn't mind leaving their urgent activities to fulfill that urge.

They would perform certain sexual activities multiple times a day and most times, always have this uncontrollable.

Hearing so much about sex addiction would you want to ask if there is a way it can be treated.

Read: Female asexual reproduction, sexual reproduction, and its consequences in Ladies (Safe Guide – 2021) | Richrainbows

Treatment of Sexual Addiction

Psychotherapy is the first recommended treatment for sexual addiction – because it is associated with depression.

It is found out that one of the causes of sexual addiction is depression.

So, during this therapy – a person suffering from depression speaks with a trained and licensed mental health care professional who helps him with identifying the factors that may be causing their depression.

The majority of the depression being suffered by people today is as a result of chemical imbalances in the brain – making it important to take good care of your psychological aspect.

When a person goes through sexual addiction, he/she is prone to having multiple affairs, engaging in one-night stands with prostitutes, viewing different pornographic videos with excessive masturbation.

How do you know that you are having or developing sexual addiction? What are the symptoms?

Read: Orgasm and Squirting, Female Ejaculation, FAQs, Facts, Differences, BENEFITS | 2021

Symptoms of Sex Addiction

People who suffer from this disorder would engage in this activity when no one is around to see them – and in most cases, hide it from their spouses, partners, and family members.

Some would even lie about their whereabouts just to engage in these activities where they won’t be found out.

But if you want to understand what the symptoms of sexual addiction look like, then you notice the following symptoms when you see them.

Excessive thoughts and fantasies

Having multiple partners

Preoccupied with sexual activities

Inability to control such behavior

Hiding to masturbate

Putting yourself into dangers because of fulfilling sexual acts

Feeling guilty after having such an act.

Avoiding social works just to satisfy and fulfill sexual urges.

Knowing that such behavior could get you hurt, but still engage in it.

Furthermore, sexual addiction is also called compulsive behavior – and it has the power to strain relationships causing infidelity between couples.

Some couples who have been caught with infidelity have claimed sexual addiction to be the main reason.

But this shouldn't be mixed up with sexually active people. Some people who are sexual addicts may not be regarded as sexually active people, because they might engage in sexual activities and won't last more than 5mins.

Sexual Fetishes (paraphilias)

A sexual fetish is a sexual fixation on a non-living object or non-genital body part. It is involved with an arousing stimulus that has nothing to do with anything concerning different parts of the body.

It is not necessarily something that has to do with the physical body, but things that make you get attracted such as hair, shoes, etc.

People involved with sexual fetish must have something in hand that arouses them before they can become sexually active to engage in sex with their partner. It is essential for them to have it to get an erection or have an orgasm.

Causes of Sexual Fetishes

Although there is no single mechanism that causes sexual addiction, biological, psychological, and social variables all have a role in the development of these illnesses.

The intoxication associated with sexual addiction, for example, is the result of compulsion-induced alterations in certain locations and chemicals in the brain.

In terms of gender-based patterns of sexual addiction, research varies. Males who are shy and well-educated, for example, are more likely to acquire an Internet addiction, including sexual Internet addiction, according to some studies.

Other research has found that middle-aged women who use home computers are more likely to develop an Internet sexual addiction.

Although there hasn't been any cause related to sexual fetish, there are claims that sexual fetish becomes known during puberty.

Also, other things that have been known to contribute to the causes are sexual imprinting {ability to recognize sexually desirable features and activities during childhood}

Furthermore, neurological differences also play a role in some cases. It has been observed that the region that processes sensory input from the feet lies immediately next to the region processing genital stimuli.

Read: Why Is Intimacy and Sex Necessary in a Relationship or Marriage?

Specific Sexual fetishes and Healthy Sex

The following are some of the common types of sexual fetishes being practiced by people. Some of these fetishes are to be talked about with your partner before engaging in them.

Let's get in and learn more about the types of fetishes practiced during sex activities.

Spanking

This is a mild slap on the bum during intercourse. For most people, it arouses the sexual feeling and makes them want to explore more into trying out other kinds of stuff. Other things related to spanking are; flogging, paddling.

Role Playing

Truth be told – this is exciting and funny. This is the activity you engage in dressed up as your favorite character and have sex with your partner. This is an amazing thing to try out with your partner.

Foot fetish

This is kind of awkward though – but it is the desire to massage the feet and kiss them while touching them. This is very common with people today as it is a potentially exciting thing to try out.

Anal Sex

While it isn’t safe to go along with anal sex, it is quite an exciting tryout method if you practice safe methods by either using a condom or applying enough lubrication before penetration.

While there are other types of sexual fetishes being done out there, these are some of the most common and popular fetishes that people engage in.

Sex is meant to be enjoyed as it is a healthy activity and enjoying it is normal.

So, when someone is sexually active with his/her partner, it does not mean that such a person is a sex addict.

All that is left is to understand the differences between these two.

But, can this act be controlled? Is there a way to prevent it? Let's look into the best way in preventing addiction before it gets to an uncontrollable act.

Treatment of Sexual Addiction

Psychotherapy is the first recommended treatment for sexual addiction – because it is associated with depression.

It is found out that one of the causes of sexual addiction is depression.

So, during this therapy – a person suffering from depression speaks with a trained and licensed mental health care professional who helps him with identifying the factors that may be causing their depression.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is frequently used by therapists to help people with sex addiction identify their particular triggers for sexually destructive (acting out) behaviors, reevaluate thinking distortions that contribute to those behaviors, and ultimately regulate those behaviors.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is also used by some mental health experts to treat sexual addiction.

This treatment strategy focuses on the addict's core internal emotional developmental issues, which contribute to the development of hypersexual disorder.

The majority of the depression being suffered by people today is as a result of chemical imbalances in the brain – making it important to take good care of your psychological aspect.

When a person goes through sexual addiction, he/she is prone to having multiple affairs, engaging in one-night stands with prostitutes, viewing different pornographic videos with excessive masturbation.

SSRIs are generally well tolerated, and side effects are usually minor.

Nausea, diarrhea, agitation, sleeplessness, and headache are the most prevalent side effects.

These adverse effects, on the other hand, usually go away within the first month of using an SSRI.

Sexual side effects include diminished sexual desire (libido), delayed orgasm, or inability to have an orgasm in certain people. SSRIs can cause tremors in certain people.

The so-called serotonergic (serotonin-related) syndrome is a significant neurologic disorder linked to the use of SSRIs. Serotonergic syndrome is characterized by high fevers, convulsions, and cardiac rhythm abnormalities.

This illness is extremely uncommon and only occurs in a few people.

How do you know that you are having or developing sexual addiction? What are the symptoms?

What criteria do doctors use to evaluate and diagnose sexual addiction?

There is no single test that can definitively determine whether or not someone has a sexual addiction, as there is with practically any mental health diagnosis. As a result, health care providers identify these conditions by obtaining a wide range of medical, family, and mental health data.

A physical examination will be performed by the psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, psychiatric nurse, physician's assistant, or trained counselor, or one will be requested from the individual's primary care physician.

Typically, the medical examination will include lab testing to assess the person's overall health and to determine whether or not the person has a medical condition that could affect mental health.

When asking about mental health symptoms, mental health professionals are often looking to see if the person has sexual obsessions or compulsions,

as well as depression or manic symptoms, anxiety, alcoholism or other substance abuse, hallucinations or delusions, and some personality and behavioral disorders that may include excessive sexual activity as a symptom.

As a screening tool for sexual addiction, practitioners may give the people they evaluate a quiz or self-test.

Health care experts will strive to identify sexual addictions from medical illnesses that may include hypersexual symptoms in order to establish a sexual addiction diagnosis.

Seizures, tumors, dementia, and Huntington's disease are examples of such illnesses, which might include lesions to specific parts of the brain, such as the frontal or temporal lobes, and hence alter behavior. Sexual Addiction Definition.

Also Read; How to Improve Your Sex Life: 7 Tips for Couples | Video