#filed under: cap shouts into the void; the void says 'oh god not you too'

[nocaptainonthisship]

This morning, I unfollowed my third person in as many months for complaining about their ao3 engagement, and I regret nothing.

The moment I allow myself to start thinking about how many people are reading my work over how much joy I bring into a space, the quality of my writing goes down the drain. And seeing this kind of thing from people who I share a fandom with(thereby knowing the degree to which their last fic outpaced the sum total of my last three by hits) makes me a bit crazy. Because I don't want to be the kind of author who obsesses over status! I want to write stories I'm proud of, and that bring me joy. If someone out there likes them, that's great! But it can't be what drives me.(Notice how I'm really driving this point home for myself, because it is HARD not to fall into this trap and I am trying to do better.)

But I see people complain about the hits or the kudos or the comments, ESPECIALLY in relation to other authors(again, a callout for me specifically- I'm trying to do better!) We're not in competition with each other, babes. We're on the same team! We like the same show/movie/ship(s)! Just because you play tight end and I'm a kicker doesn't mean we aren't wearing the same jersey. By using stats as the marker for your success, you are wildly underselling the value of what you made. With nothing but a little inspiration, your imagination and likely a fair bit of caffeine, you created a story that is entirely your own. That is an incredible achievement on its own. Did one person tell you it meant something to them? I'm so glad you found each other. Two? How lucky you are to have been able to touch people's lives. Three feels like the sweet spot- perfect number for a virtual happy hour to scream in the group chat about headcanons.

Point being, I guess- you owe me nothing! If you want to read my fic and leave me a comment, I would love that. Comments and kudos and all of that do bring me joy. Don't want to comment? Totally fine! You owe me nothing. Don't want to read what I write? Also totally okay! You owe me nothing.

Now, here's what I owe to myself- the peace of mind that comes from not playing the comparison game, and protecting myself by not allowing in voices who are at odds with that aim.

(As a final note, if you want to complain about "cool in groups" in fandom I have excellent news: no one is cool! We're all a bunch on mangy nerds. Please say hi! Or don't! You owe me nothing.)