#finally falls asleep at 6am out of sheer exhaustion

[nebulouscoffee]

So I have not been succeeding a ton on my plan to get back into writing this month…

[noteatingfortwo]

Recovery is a bitch

After being wheeled out from the operating theatre, we were left in what only could be described as a holding area for a while. Nic had some skin to skin time with baby while I was more or less still passed out on the hospital bed. While, Nic was out getting our belongings from the car, baby was put on me for skin to skin time and had a go at latching on to kick start the breastfeeding. She apparently had a good latch though I’m not sure anything actually came out. Still I felt so weak at that point and my skin had turned a weird yellow colour. The feeling in my lower half of body still hadn’t returned though.

Nic wasn’t allowed to stay beyond us moving to the next room and so headed home. This was a scary thought and for the first time I was left alone with baby. Laelynn Rae we decided to call her, Laelynn meaning ‘flower of hope’ during these weird covid-19 times and Rae, short for the biblical name Rachel. In the next room, I was served some toast and jam, which although having not eaten properly for a good 24 hours or so wasn’t exactly magical tasting. I felt so helpless lying in the hospital bed as baby lay asleep on top of me and I tried to swallow my toast and water. 

I was then wheeled to another ward. My neighbour was a mum who just had a baby too, though as I listened in, she seemed to have a lovely midwife who was teaching her the reigns of motherhood. Mine, on the other hand only seemed to dash in and out when she had to take either mine or Laelynn’s observations so I was left to my own devices to hunt for the midwife buzzer left out of my reach whenever Laelynn cried in the cot next to me. It was a completely helpless feeling and as her mum, I was unable to tend to her basic needs just a few hours after she arrived into this world. I remember calling out as I heard footsteps and also to my neighbour to help me press the buzzer as she cried, but no one came. I barely got any sleep, despite not having slept in about 48 hours. Every time Laelynn stirred, I would stir. The midwives came in to change her nappy and clothe her as I was unable to move from my hospital bed. Laelynn hate this. She screamed with all the power of her little lungs as if we were hurting her and I felt my heart break with every scream. We tried breastfeeding but she would only latch on for a few minutes at a time, I feared there was nothing there and she would starve as my body felt too weak to produce anything. Eventually we fed her formula milk and she took to the bottle and swallowed it down hungrily although kept falling asleep mid feed. The midwives wrapped her up in a vest, sleepsuit and layers of towels which seemed excessive given the summer heat. She looked so tiny in the cot and I kept watching her chest to make sure she was still breathing. She had angry red marks from the forceps streaked across her face. 

Once her needs were tended to, the pain and discomfort from lying in that hospital bed came back. I was told they had put a vagina pack in to stop the bleeding and had a catheter linked up as I couldn’t leave the bed. I called round several times to ask when the doctor would take this out as was beyond uncomfortable. Eventually, late morning after the rounds they removed this and with a midwife’s assistance I was finally allowed to get out of bed after what seemed an age! What a relief! However my attention was turned to my very swollen, bloated feet and all the fluid which had somehow been directed there. Clown feet that I did not recognise as my own.

The doctor said I needed a blood transfusion or iron supplements as my haemoglobin rates were low, however given the possible risk of a reaction, they let me see if my rates would pick up after I was allowed to get up and move around a little. I managed a shower and found that it was extremely sore down there but felt much better after this. Some ladies also came round to do a hearing test on Laelynn but she failed this, they reassured me this was normal and that newborns have a lot of fluid in their ear to be dried out.

Visiting hours were only from 2pm to 7pm each day because of Covid-19. When Nic came bearing food and treats from M & S, I was relieved not to bear the full responsibility of having to take care of a newborn. I was moved yet again, to the postpartum ward. I was able to take a bit of a nap while Nic was there but the hours passed quickly and the midwives came around again to chase him out. Hospital food was heavy - lasagne, fish pie, shepherd’s pie etc and not exactly the recovery food I needed. Night came again all too quickly, though I was able to get up and be on my feet to tend to Laelynn. It was a confusing time and I didn’t know if her cries meant she was hungry, needed a nappy change or just soothing. I paced up and down the ward with her desperate to comfort her. 

Morning came and the doctors told me that my haemoglobin levels had dropped again and that I would definitely need a blood transfusion, 2 packs. I broke down in front of the doctor out of sheer exhaustion and dizziness, feeling completely weak. Luckily she was nice enough to comfort me and told me after the transfusion I would feel much better, so proceeded to order the blood. Once hooked up, I was again unable to tend to Laelynn. The ladies came round again to check her hearing and thankfully it was fine. A student midwife was assigned to me, to observe my reaction to the blood and was able to be on nappy change and feeding duty. They took her cot away to reception so that I was able to get a bit of rest in. Watching the blood drip slowly into me was like watching paint dry, they had said it would take 3 hours per pack but a good 5 hours passed before they decided the cannula wasn’t working efficiently enough and put one in my other arm. 

It was true though, I did feel much better after the blood transfusion. Night came again and filled me with dread. I tried breastfeeding her as it seemed there was suddenly milk there. The night was long, I finally settled Laelynn in her cot and swaddled her but then neighbours moved in next door and their baby starts crying. The whole night was like staying in a mental asylum. One baby’s cries would set off the other. I paced the ward desperate to sooth her and get Laelynn away from it all. 

Morning came with bad news. The doctor had pricked Laelynn’s heel in the morning and the blood test results were back that she was over the jaundice levels and required phototherapy. We also needed to make sure she fed well and topped up her feed with 40ml of formula milk to flush out the bilirubin in her urine. We were moved again, this time to a private room so it wasn’t all that bad. I was given the task of monitoring her poop, feeds etc and then putting her eye mask on (which she hated) and putting her in the warm incubator to receive the phototherapy treatment. Although she seemed to be quite calm in there, it still hurt to see her little body in nothing but a nappy inside the incubator. I had a little cry about it when Nic arrived.

At night, the midwife noticed Laelynn was breathing a bit heavily and her chest was being thrust up and down so called the doctor for observation. The doctor recommended her downstairs to Neonatal ICU for overnight observation where she was hooked up to machines inside another incubator and put on a 48 hour course of antibiotics for risk of infection from my waters being broken over 24 hours. It was scary seeing all the tiny bodies lined up inside the incubators but they seemed like they were well taken care of. NICU meant Nic could visit 24 hours so he dashed over and we sat there for a while just watching our little baby all hooked up with her own cannula. That night when we left the NICU, guiltily was the best night sleep I had since coming to the hospital while they took care of Laelynn downstairs. 

I awoke early though at 6am to head downstairs to check up on Laelynn. She was strong and brave and the breathing seemed to be just an unexplained anomaly. Nic joined me and we had a little breakfast before I went back to my hospital bed without baby. Baby was discharged in the afternoon and back with me upstairs but still had to finish her course of antibiotics and wait for the results of the swab to see if there was any infection.

It was already 29th July, Day 5 in hospital and with the unbearable heat as well, I was growing ever impatient to being discharged. Still, we remained there until Saturday 1st August, continuing our cycle of feed, change nappy, sleep and count down the hours until Nic would come to relieve us. Those days were just as hard, even though I knew Laelynn was going to be ok, I still ended up in tears most days but I slowly got a bit of myself back to be able to share our good news with friends and family. 

On Saturday 1st August, we were finally discharged, both me and baby! It took them an age to do the discharge papers, give us the discharge talk and equip me with medicine and anti-clot injections for the road. The car journey home was the most surreal thing and we got home to peace and quiet and proudly placed Laelynn in her own cot. Time to start our next chapter.

[highladyofdusk]

Storytime With DeeDee #1

So I wasnt really sure what to write about but I decided to tell you guys about one of the biggest problems in my life since this is supposed to be about you guys getting to know me better.

So like two years ago I went on a school trip to Valencia and I was thinking about it since like the year before we went. During that time I was also doing Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award and the Valencia trip was between the practice expedition and the actual expedition. If you dont know what the Duke of Edinburgh Award is then its basically a thing in Britain where youre in a group of kids your age and of the same gender and you go camping. Having never gone camping before I was well excited. So the practice expedition is when you have teachers looking after you but not helping you while in the actual expedition the teachers are like some distance behind you.

Anyways I went on the practice expedition prepared. My parents grew up in quite rural areas (AKA the countryside) so they knew what they were doing. The hike and setting up was fun. We had dinner and then we had a campfire where we made smores which are really good. So it was finally time to go to bed and thats when the problems started.

I was all for going to sleep at a reasonable time as to have enough energy the next morning because we were doing another hike. So I shared the tent with two of my friends, one of who bailed on us to go to sleep in a different tent. I have trouble falling asleep in a new place. It takes me a couple of nights to go to sleep in a different place even if its in a different room in my house or like when I go over to sleep at my dads where Ive slept for like 3 years. My remaining friend was all for going to run around and explore during the night with the others. So we went to a bigger tent and ate a lot of sweets with our friends until I started feeling really tired so I went back to my tent. Also this tent had no locks and was outside with the badgers and foxes which we were warned about so that made me anxious as I always have to check the doors are locked at home before I go to sleep. This was around 11pm so I tossed and turned in the incredibly uncomfortable sleeping bag until I started feeling slightly sick. Being reasonable I thought that I was either hungry or really needed the toilet because my stomach was hurting. So I had some bread and went to the toilet where I threw up said bread. I just thought that I ate something funny because I wasnt sure about the pot noodle I ate for dinner but I was hungry. So I made a couple trips from the tent to the toilet where I had my first encounter with a badger which turned into a staring contest before it ran away (honestly I have like a sixth sense or something because I turned off my torch as to not wake anyone and sensed that something was there) before I decided to do the reasonable thing and call my mum. This was at 4am so keep in mind that I sat sobbing in my tent for 4ish hours before I decided to call my mum because food poisoning usually goes away after 2 hours for me so I was worried. My mum advised me to drink water and wait till someone showed up. I only got about half an hour of sleep that night because I just collapsed on my backpack from sheer exhaustion because after the hike and throwing up I was drained. My mum checked up on me every so often and once I woke up at 6am I saw that the camping experts or something had shown up so I went over to them and they sat me down on a chair, got my friend to collect my stuff, gave me water and went to fetch a teacher as I am socially awkward and cant wake people up without getting anxious. So the teacher came and called my mum. My mum got my dad to pick me up and I was home by 10am. I had a shower since there were no showers at the campsite, had some tea and slept till 3pm. My mum saw that I looked better and decided that it was food poisoning or that we cooked something wrong.

Then came Valencia, something that I was really excited about because England does not have the weather to go into the sea. I love going to warm countries and sitting on the beach or in the sea. And of course my period decided to start on the day of the trip which really annoyed me as I have long periods and the trip was only four days. So I went to school and we got on the plane and we were off. We arrived quite late and had some burgers for dinner before going to our rooms. We stayed at a university and the rooms were absolutely shit but I shared a room with two of my friends. So we unpacked, showered and went to sleep. Or they did. I was having that issue again and couldnt fall asleep. Then the throwing up began. I was fine during the days except that my period was heavier than usual and during Spanish lessons when I would sit in the toilet for most of the lesson. As long as I was enjoying myself and kept myself busy (like the time we went to a museum and I spent the time looking at cute chicks (like baby chickens) and dinosaur fossils) I felt normal. Then when night came I started feeling sick. It got to the point where I refused to eat because I found it pointless if I was going to throw up again. One of the teachers had a room next to mine and kept 'blackmailing' me. Like she kept saying that she would take me to the doctor and have my parents pay for it (I have free health care in the EU) or that she would send me back home if I would shut up and make my parents pay for the ticket back (when I told her that there were no flights she said that she would just send me to Poland (which is where I was born) since she knew I had family there) and what was worse was that she denied ever saying any of that once my mum complained to the school and nearly got me kicked out of school. So when we got back I was traumatised. I lost so much weight that I wouldnt fit into my old clothes anymore. My pants, unless they were like leggings, would fall right off (I gained the weight back dont worry). I refused to eat and I would keep throwing up and the only thing that would calm me down was this calming herbal tea. I would spend half an hour sat in the toilet crying until my mum decided that I needed to go to the doctor to at least try to fix my physical problems while giving me time off school to deal with the trauma caused by that trip. So I got medicine and was diagnosed with a nervous stomach which while it cant really be classified as an official medical condition I will still call it that.

"Having a nervous stomach could have to do with your emotional state or mental health, your digestive or gut health, or even a mixture of both. Rarely, it may signal something more serious going on. Nervous stomach can also just be how your digestive system works naturally during times of stress. As well, it could be just an isolated experience."

This is something I got from a health website on google. I believe my case of a nervous stomach which I now say is that my stomach has anxiety as a joke to deal with the trauma came from my emotional state or mental health.

So I got back to school while I was on medication and I started acting more like myself. So I went to see the teacher who organised the DofE (Duke of Edinburgh) and told him that I couldnt go on the expedition because I was on medication and had a 'medical condition'. He was fine with it but my Head of Year (teacher who was in charge of my year group) wasnt. She was helping that teacher organise the whole thing and took me out of lesson twice, once before the expedition because I hadnt been attending the meetings and the second time was on the day of the expedition. The first time she was calling me a liar and said that I was faking it for attention and that I wasnt on medication neither did I have a medical condition (when this is clearly something that could have been caused by my mental health) and that I needed to start getting involved because they paid for everything (literally my parents paid for all my equipment) and that she would ban me from ALL other trips no matter if they were trips to a park or residentials (over night trips) which was fucked up because I have a 'medical condition' that may have been caused by my mental health being not okay (cant find a better word) and mental health is something they are trying to improve in my school. The second time she was accusing me of not telling the teacher that I wasnt going on the expedition and when I tried to explain she would cut me off and start acting like a cheeky bratty teenager constantly saying "No" whenever I tried to say something. She forced me to go see the teacher because he was waiting for me downstairs but I was then told that they had left AN HOUR AGO. Like WTF?

Now my 'medical condition' hasnt popped up anymore apart from when I went to an award ceremomy coz I got nominated tor Young Person of the Year (which I got) but it wasnt as severe. So it hasnt gone away so we havent risked letting me go to sleepovers ot overnight trips. Anyways I have a nervous stomach and its currently wanting chocolate which means that we agree on something for once so this is DeeDee signing off!