#fooljourney

[tarotjourney2021]

6:16 PM Last day of work before going on leave

I think this is the tower moment.. the moment they told me about.. that I am gonna have a big change which will scare me.. i think this is is.. but contarary to what I thought before, the change won't happen to me, the job won't call me back while I do nothing, this job might try to insult me again as a second blow.. and this tower of the 360 review.. which i can hear Areen's mean thoughts of how can I kick her harder.. this backstabbing bitch! She will get her karma.. and the karma will be through my work.. i will start publishing all the links and things I have been featured in.. so everyone knows how good I am.. and this my work will be the karma.. the karma won't come from an outside source.. the karma.. is me..! it's me bitch!

I think Minnow Pond said something to that effect.. he said that you will see someone get their karma.. but the karma could be through me getting my success! And that's exactly what I'm gonna do Chris.. I am done with this fool journey.. I need to step into the magician.. I need to level up.. to get my 'glow up'

very very very cheesy.

anyways,

The same applies to the tower.. i am the one who will take control of the tower and be the one not only jumping out of it willingly, but creating it. I will manifest what I want, and would work very hard and strategically towards it.. I will update the website.. most of it is done anyways.. just the last stop of details and making decisions and doing a bulk of work done... okay.. i have a lot to do.. but at least I know that i started and did a shit load of work before.. and it got me here.. how many times did I design and redesign the website.. even though everyone tells me it looks great.. but do i let that be and work on the technical parts of it.. like the shop or the blog or to let people share my stuff on social media..I mean! there is a lot to be done.. but that's okay.. let's push ourselves to the next phase.. because this is the price to be paid to manifest this.. I want the kind of employer that is not only impressed that I have a website, but can appreciate that I have a terrific website.. levelling up requires that, I need to ask for better things. and just because I like to research the hell out of things, I decided to watch every video ever made on youtube on manifestation, scripting.. add it to a long list.. bingewatch it as I organize my youtube videos.. so I can give them to the two editors.. and this way the youtube channel can keep going..

I will still try to keep my deadline of publishing a youtube video today.. cause I need to be consistent and to be consistent I need to stick to the plan.. the plan is good.. land the plan..or take off.. do something.. stop hovering.. stop doing things half-assed and congratulating yourself for getting out of bed, cause you have mental health issues.

We have a therapist now, so she will be helping with that, and also I am still willing to put in the work.. i am the king of pentacles.. despite the turblant water.. i am still focused on my pentacles.. still willing to sit here.. after breaking down in tears after the 360 review.. after all the work I have been doing.. and letting these as%###$@ make me work regularly long hours.. sometimes until 10 at night or midnight.. only to make me redo it all again.. because they changed their mind! Making me go on a saturday, across town in the ttc to take pictures with my personal camera and come back home at 5.. shaking with exhaustion.. and i only had sunday to work before i start the work day again.. and I wonder why I am always sick.. i work myself to the bone.

Even now.. even now .. when not even an hour ago.. i told myself to relax and sleep on the hammock to calm myself down and remind myself that the positive comments from the CEO, my manager, even my new manager can't stop saying great things about me. But you know how it is.. it is the corporate world, 360 reviews is the perfect time for anyone who has been hating on you, and to be honest with your taurus anger when someone disrespects you, especially when it involves racism, it boils my blood. And everyone wants to treat me like I am an idiot, when they hear my accent, or being black, an immigrant, single in my 30s... a lot of back-handed comments are exchanged.. racist 'jokes'.. even a suggestion of a black face from that bitch.. when the manager asked for suggestions for Halloween costumes as a team for the office virtual mandatory party. And both our TWO managers were in the meeting.. and none of them said anything! Shouldn't you 'manage' this?

I need to show them in action, very quietly without a lot of chatter that they don't get to do that.. they don't get to allow this kind of behaviour.. coming from the CEO herself and her daughter..

But I need to win all the way through, I need to keep my cool, they automatically win, if I lose it and start openly misbehaven.. the best insults are the ones that are given with class.

So what's the plan.

I will do the whole ritual thing, candles and all.

and then get to work.

Hopefully by the time I am done watching youtube, the files will be sent to my editors.. and youtube the youtube channel will start picking up soon. I think I already said that.

Then!

I will buy the sparkling water thing.. I feel the problem with staying focused is that I need hydration and somehow I can't stand tab water these days.. and I can't have enough of sparkling.. so let's make the investment.. you are officially on leave for the next two weeks, you will be able to post all those things to facebook market and sell them, and put the money back into the little investments we need to do now..

Like the investment in my time and energy I am gonna have to make to meet my illustration deadline and my youtube deadline

Let's start with youtube deadline.. I need to build the trust in myself.. by keeping this promise.. I will publish a video on youtube every week on Thursday 11 AM. I know I already missed the time deadline.. but it is still thursday.. so let's do the easiest thing to do and post it.. doesn't matter we only have 25 subscribers.. 26!! sorry!!!!  so no one is watching.. you need to jerk the giant algoritm awake and the only way to awaken this dragon is by meeting this deadline.. over and over and over again.. and I want you to have those posters of red crosses all around to see the progress that I am making in everything and keep things balanced.. and after this time off i want it to be clear in your mind.. what we are postponing, what we are focusing on.. my art.. my clay.. building this as a business... slowly but surely.

ok, after the youtube video.. i will give myself the deadline of 45 minutes.. so we are done.. i might even make it 30 minutes.. because i want to test my theory.. that people now want youtube videos to be as short as possible maybe a minute or two.. because youtube videos now compared to what's out there on social media feel like 2-hour long movies.. we have adapted to everything being tik-tok fast and crazy, so we can't sit through anything this long.. i personally can't! So I have to assume I am not alone, and I would like to attract those people on youtube, the people that I can almost feel their pulse.. they are tuned to me, can get what I like.. feel like they know me and I know them, feel like it is a warm hug between dear friends they found each others but never knew one another. I want that. But to get there.. I need to throw a lot of things out there and assess, adjust and move forward.. I need to be more like the chariot, Cancer, my moon sign. i need to flow like water.. move a way a little bit from my Taurus ways.. my Virgo rising better pay attention to all these little details and I should give her back the hermit mode... where I can retreat into my introverted shell and stay here for a little bit, until i start to figure things out.. I am actually almost flattered to know that the magician is also a card for virgo.. and it is fitting that I am stepping into this magician.. literally.. googling magic stuff.. and petition examples.. and also physically by actively going after the laid down plan.. the plan i kept changing and working out in my head..I feel for years, but never taking a real step towards it, but now it's time. It's been long enough.. the plan is ready.. let's go.. not apologetically... not kinda.. all in! ALL #!@#@$ IN!!

That's what I promised that I would do when I had this 'awakening or whatever', that to pay back the universe lady for seeing me for what I am and what I can be, that I won't give up on myself.. and I will stand up for that voice in my head that's trying to kill me and this feeling of longing to die. I even had the urge to die today.. to give up. and wish I was gone, out of laziness more than anything.. self pity and look-at-me bo-ho.. i know i sound mean.. and I am probably an asshole on some level(s). I should be compassionate.. i'm sorry towards myself first.. I know that i am healing from a trauma. I am better, but still all over the place.. i am so stressed and so alone.. i have been a lone for too long.. i realize now since I moved to Canada 4 years ago, I got lazy on the friends front, settled into a small group of women, whom are nice, but are not my people.. they can part of my people.. but not the centre.. they should be on the side tables... I need to find the right people for me.. to give me warmth.. my life has been cold and lonely for too long.. being here alone.. starting my life over.. still in a way living a double life between the old traditions and between who i really I am and what I want..and what I have been raised on that I am not good enough to have it. Even though I know in my gut that I can have it. I used to have the dead belief in myself that I will have everything.. but something broke back in Sudan. The weight of the tradition or the culture.. the shari'a law.. and its unforgiving rules.. people and how cruel they can sometimes get with their racist misogynist lifestyles that they impose on me, with all their force... then the heart break.. I never thought anything could throw me off like that, but it did. I guess I was already beaten enough when his blow came.

He too is another person I need to be on that mountain.. on top of it.. so he doesn't miss me. he can't miss me. and I don't think it will take me as long as I think to get on the top of the mountain. The hermit is already on the top of the mountain.. but I need to trust that I need to get myself mentally there.. so this physical world follows.

But to get there... i need to focus on myself.. forget about all of those people who shook your ego. You have to shake them off.. and put your head down to pray.. even though we don't pray .. but we need to lay down the details on that little prayer ritual I made up. A small part of me thinks it is ridiculous, because it is. But the other part loves it.. it gives me strength and I can almost swear.. actually i can swear.. that it was working.. the difficult days ahead smoothed out... and the dragon weren't as scary as I thought. I got a few little chips of gold every here and there.. and now I want to go for the real deal.

I need to be Indiana Jones one more time though, I know I am tired of it.. like literally tired.. my eyes are red.. and my body is aching.. couldn't because of all the crying with myself after work. I mean today is my last day of work before time off.. and I thought judging my surprising positivity this year, I thought I will be with a glass of wine celebrating by now... but I think knowing that rest is coming soon, my body is collapsing.

And true to my nature I am pushing her a little bit more. But we will rest I promise.. your cut off time is 10 PM! Then you can do whatever the hell I want. Maybe if it's not raining lay down in the hammock I need it.. I am tired.. it was so nice for a few minutes.. then I was again restless to start working again.

am I losing my mind?

[your-moonstone-tarot-univer-blog]

THE FOOLS JOURNEY .. Meet Mother Nature The Empress

THE FOOLS JOURNEY THE EMPRESS

CIRO MARCHETTI'S IMAGE OF THE EMPRESS FROM THE (Gilded tarot deck) The Empress is a Major Arcana card, that portrays the energy of the great mother. She is nature, around us but also within us, the ever-unfolding source of life-giving power. The Empress is often pictured as a pre-Christian Goddess, as the one whom The High Priestess is channeling down to Earth

The Empress is a beautiful, full-figured woman with blonde hair and a peaceful aura about her. On her head, she wears a crown of twelve stars, showing her connection with the mystical realm and the cycles of the natural world (the twelve months of the year and the twelve planets). Her robe is patterned with pomegranates, symbolic of fertility, and sits upon a luxurious array of cushions and flowing red velvet. One cushion features the symbol of Venus, the planet of love, creativity, fertility, beauty and grace – the essence of the Empress. A beautiful, lush forest and winding stream surround the Empress, signifying her connection with Mother Earth and life itself. She draws her sense of peace from the trees and the water and is rejuvenated by the energy of nature. In the foreground, golden wheat springs from the soil, reflecting abundance from a recent harvest.   Wreath of Mertle  Female Creator Of  The Material World                               Stars  The 12 Signs Of The Zodiac Stars 2 Connecting Triangles...Upward Triange Fire Masculine.....Downward Triangle Water Feminine Heart Shaped Shield lovingly protects                                                                  Sign of Venus Roman Godess Robe Flowing Perpetually Pregnant Constantly Becoming                   Pearl Necklace Seeds of Creation Trees Of Wheat Mother Nature And Her Bounty Symbole of Fertlity        Cypress Tress Evergreen Sacred To Venus                                          Flowing Stream The Ever Flowing Conciuosness       Stream    River Of Life               Water  Shows How Our Garden Of Life Is Nourished                              Pillow    The Giver Of Comfort  

  The Empress's Meaning Traditionally associated with strong maternal influence, the presence of the Empress is excellent news if you are looking for harmony in your marriage or hoping to start a family. Any artistic endeavours you are currently associated with are also likely to be more successful, as this card often finds those exposed to strong bursts of creative or artistic energy. That creative energy may not be in the form of a painting or art project, however: This card also suggests a very strong possibility of pregnancy -- not necessarily yours, but you might be seeing a new addition to your extended family or the family of a close friend in the near future! This card is a good portent for you and those around you.   Past The last opportunity you had is proving its influence now. Whether business, personal, or artistic, a new partnership will require your continued effort to succeed. Remember your most resourceful behaviors, but especially your discipline. Apply the energy of the Empress. Present There may be a new beginning unfolding before you and you decided its quality. Be understanding and especially sensitive to the emotional aspects of life. A loved one will need a helping hand or light in the dark. The role is yours to fill, no matter your choice. Future The future will bring healing and respite for your emotional and physical wounds. Spending time walking on new paths will be more beneficial than mending bridges. Your investments will pay off if you carefully tend them.

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