#for me lucidity is hard to activate AND hard to maintain but it often happens when the dream goes somewhere i dont like and i want a way ou

[amygdalae]

had a dream last night i was lost wandering the streets of a big city at night and i was cold so i walked into the nearest open store and it was a sex shop but half of the store had several displays of just leather jackets and pants. i wanted it to be real so bad

[rpmemes-galore]

How to write a character with PTSD / C-PTSD:

*disclaimer:  this is entirely based on my own, personal experiences with PTSD. it’s to serve as a basis and guide, but not a firm rulebook for writing it. different people can have different symptoms, at varying levels of severity. PTSD is also often tied with depression and / or other generalized anxiety disorders.This will be extremely personal, and has the potential to be triggering to anyone who has suffered abuse / noncon, or has ptsd / c-ptsd.

WHAT IS C-PTSD? 

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. --- wikipedia

C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD. Whereas PTSD is mostly associated with a traumatic event that only lasted for a short amount of time, or only once  ( eg. car accident, sudden loss of a loved one, ect. ) , C-PTSD has to do with prolonged traumatic events  ( eg. ongoing abuse, imprisonment ).   And depending on the severity and conditions of the prolonged event, those suffering with it can have varying symptoms and levels of symptoms. For this guide, I’m going to be focusing on the PTSD / C-PTSD that I, personally, struggle with: severe, caused by abuse and noncon. References from MAYO CLINIC

INTRUSIVE MEMORIES:

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event: Unlike in Hollywood, flashbacks do not have to be full-blown reliving of the event  ( though, it can be ), but rather small, often disconnected glimpses of memories that strike while going about your daily life. Things that can trigger it are smells, sounds, or the sight of something connected to the traumatic event. It can be benign as the sound of someone walking toward you, or bad as someone getting in your face and shouting at you. And what triggers you one day may not trigger you the next.

Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks): In my personal experience, this is much harder to come back from than the smaller glimpses mentioned above. This is a full reliving. As far as you’re concerned, you ARE back in the trauma. You ARE back in that house, in that room, with that person... you see them, hear them, they’re in front of you, and you’re that defenseless child, again. This often leads to a panic attack, even after you’ve returned to reality.

Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event: Can’t talk about this one much, because I specifically taught myself to lucid dream due to nightmares I used to have... but, that was a long time ago. I do remember they would not be perfect recreations of the event. They’d be disjointed. Often would involve people who hadn’t been there at the time, or random details would be mixed up or completely wrong  ( for instance, instead of standing in the kitchen, you might be out in a field. Multiple events could be happening at once, with no coherency. )  And I do remember waking up suddenly, in a sweat... and sometimes avoiding sleeping for DAYS just to avoid having those nightmares.

Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event: Similar to the first point, this can also be caused by sights, sounds, smells that you recall from your traumatic moments, or, sometimes, even just from the place where your trauma happened. Unlike the glimpses of memories or full flashbacks, these are disconnected feelings, usually fear, anger, betrayal... and in response to something that might seem silly to someone else. For instance, for me, I have a severe reaction to flyswatters. What is a simple tool to someone else, that they have no issue touching, I can’t even go near. Hands start shaking, I can’t breathe, I tense up like I’m going to be hit.  And similar to that, the sound of someone raising their voice, even happily or not toward me, fills me with immediate dread.      note: this can lead to being a pleaser. desperately trying to avoid upsetting anyone because you’re terrified of people who are upset, whether it’s your fault or not. 

AVOIDANCE 

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event: Self-explanatory on the not wanting to think about it.No one likes to think about things that upset them. As far as the not talking about it goes, it can have a lot to do with shame. You’ve been trained to think it was your fault you were treated so badly, and telling anyone else, means you’re admitting that you were bad and deserved it. And you’re afraid they’re going to agree with your abuser. Or they’re going to gain up on you with your abuser... even if there’s no rational reason to believe these things, the thoughts are still there. 

Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event:  This can lean toward the extreme... specifically going out of your way to avoid things. Cancelling plans if it might be even slightly related to your trauma, such as a person from that time being there, being in a place --- or sometimes even being near a place --- that reminds you of your trauma  ( like a store you went with your abuser ) , or refusing to take part in something that you and your abuser did together. This can even extend to tasks around the house. For instance, if housework was something tied to your abuse, even marginally, you might avoid doing dishes, or washing the floor.  

NEGATIVE CHANGES IN THINKING AND MOOD 

Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world / Difficulty maintaining close relationships / Feeling detached from family and friends: Self-esteem plummets. You have a lot of trouble trusting others, or believing that they truly want the best for you. You have trouble believing that you have any potential, or that you’re capable of doing anything... lose trust in your own judgement and second guess everything you do. You ignore red flags. You constantly need validation in your choices. You feel like someone else needs to second any decision you make. Nowhere feels safe. Even going out of the house is a struggle, and you’re scared and uncomfortable they entire time, like you’re waiting for something bad to happen. 

Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event:  Feeling like there’s a grey area or the memory being fuzzy, even when you specifically try to recall certain moments. This can lead to doubt, and wondering if you even have trauma.  ---- And not only that, but if your abuse involved gaslighting, you lose faith in your memory of the event. You start overthinking. You doubt whether or not you were even abused. You think you might be remembering things wrong, misconstruing things, being unfair to your abuser. 

Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed: As PTSD often goes hand-in-hand with depression, you can experience the same symptoms, including lack of motivation or interest, even in things you genuinely enjoy. For me, I LOVE writing. But, actually finding the motivation / energy / confidence to do it is hard... even on good days, it’s a fight to get myself to sit down and accomplish anything. 

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions / Feeling emotionally numb:  Good feelings feel bad. That’s the only way I can describe it. Things like happiness or satisfaction feel... wrong. Like, you’re not supposed to be feeling them. The way I’ve had this explained me to me is: your brain is so used to feeling bad emotions that feeling anything positive is foreign. it’s easier to stick with what you know, no matter how hard it is.  ----- You can have moments of complete emotional nothingness. You disconnect from your feelings completely. The world around you doesn’t feel real. The people around you don’t feel real. It’s like being in really terrible VR. 

CHANGES IN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL REACTIONS:

Being easily startled or frightened / Always being on guard for danger:  You’re always jumpy. It’s like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or waiting to be hurt or yelled at. 

Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast:  This can also extend to self-harm in many forms ranging from cutting, to holding hot objects... ( the most difficult part is when you feel dirty inside and feel like you need to cut or burn it out. It’s an overwhelming feeling that’s very hard to beat or calm yourself down from. )  or just neglecting yourself, like not tending to cuts or scrapes. And you feel like you deserve them. You tell people not to worry when you get hurt because you’re used to it... and, because it’s you that it’s happening to, it’s okay.   Other forms can include substance abuse, alcohol abuse, or even --- consciously or unconsciously --- seeking out abusive relationships just for a sense of normalcy. 

I hope that this guide helps you. And if you are struggling with PTSD, yourself, please don’t be afraid to reach out and find help. You are loved. And your worth is NOT determined by what other people have done to you. 

[abnvrmals]

Below the cut is my list of muses and their reactions to the ancients event starting tomorrow. That being said, if any of their reactions interest you, or give you ideas, please reach out to me. I will be starting some event threads tomorrow, but you know. I guess this is a bit of a starter call, too.

Vihaan - Does not give a fuck about anything or anyone beyond his sister.

Frankie - Anxious, worried about what it going to happen to others and the people she cared about in town. Feels a nagging persistence toward the ancient pull but tries to denies it. Self isolates anyway.

Santiago - Fucking, THRILLED. Making deals all during the event, hit up ya boi and offer him something real nice.

Coyne - Because of his history, is more susceptible to the pull of the ancients and is under their control for the moment. This is subject to change, especially where Eloise is involved.

Anver - Not effected, fighting for the town.

Asta - Not effected, fighting for the town.

Margeaux - Not effected, fighting for the town.

Alexander - Not effected, doesn’t care about anything other than what happens to Boston, the gallery, and Apollo.

Gen - Not effected, offering protection for anyone who might be interested, especially Bash and his family, whoever may extend through them. Secretly, doesn’t understand the objection to death, but sympathizes with peoples feelings.

Esme - Effected, stresses out in the very beginning until she becomes lucid and entirely compliant under the control of the ancients.

Lucien - Effected, feels a strong pull to join the ancients but continues to fight against them. Prone or likely to snap and lose the fight, succumbing to their control.

Juliette - Not effected, joining the efforts for both protection and fighting.

Soren - Not effected, but feels this is a war that he is not indebted to. Only fighting for the town out of obligation to Freya and the strange sense of always needing to prove himself worthy of his godship after the loss of his arm.

Levi - Effected, but more like a illness. Spending his time holed up on the farm, likely alone, trying to keep himself together or feel better somehow.

Oceane - Not effected, offers protection for her people, and her wolves only. The exception to this rule is those closest to her, and is fighting only when the war may come for her, or one of hers.

Kalea - Uneffected, creating a shelter inside the restaurant with her husband and other creatures/deities, etc.

Liah - Effected, under the control of the ancients. Spends the majority of the event shifted, as directly by her blood line, but available for threads when distance is placed between her and her ancient.

Tyella - Uneffected, the control needed for her songs and abilities combined with the protective magic that has been set on the shop has allowed her to maintain composure. Open to protection, and fighting.

Dyonisa - Uneffected and amused, for the most part. She’s probably picked somewhere with a good view to drink wine, watch, and judge. Unless someone who matters request she actually do something, in which case she is slitting the throats of those that have caused her this stress and inconvience.

Devon - Effected, Under complete ancient control. Part of her enjoys this, as a wolf that has always been packless, this makes her feel like she finally belongs. She’s going to have a REAL HARD time with this when she comes out of it.

Remi - Mildly inconvenienced, like a headache and avoidance of dying. His deity is providing extra names and hints, so he is moving around a lot and attempting to combat things where he can.

Castor - OOF, complete ancient controlled and dangerous. Because of his past, he has become the perfect soldier for the ancients and they knew this, so they use him for some of the messier missions and never question his loyalty.

Jeromy - Effected, Under wavering control of the ancients but actively trying to fight it. As someone who enjoys fighting for the right reasons and is an activist, his heart is working over drive trying to get out from underneath the pull but it is hard being so recently turned.

Devya - THRIVING, but unaffected. Probably betting on what is going on with her siblings, or fighting with both sides for the fun of it.

Senna - Not effected, not fighting. He is, however, taking the time to do what not many else think of which is find a way to beat this. Spending most of his time researching magic, cures, wards of protection, anything that can help them banish or rid themselves of the ancients or the pull.

Faustus - Not effected, helping patch up the injured and taking in strays that don’t have protection. Turning the vet office into a make shift hospital.

Amelia - Not effected, also assisting Senna in looking for a “cure” or fix. Contacting Demeter dispute their longstanding feud in an attempt to help everyone through this.

Drew - Not effected, helping to fight for the town because that do be kind of pretty much his job.

Marlowe - Not effected, warding the FUCK out of the tattoo shop to keep her little family protected first and foremost, but ready to fight. Disappears here and there to go do so.

Milo - Not effected, not interested in helping anyone other than Ava, either.

Bria - Effected, as a taught witch her magic is borrowed and that comes from the ancients. She has made a deal with them to help her bring Theo back through awarding her more power for helping.

Bhavana - Not effected, thinks the ancients are a bunch of lil bitches, ready to throat punch them into oblivion and actively doing so.

Akari - Effected. Her usual trickery doesn’t often end in people being hurt or is not directly malicious. During this time, it has been turned up, manipulative and violent. Homegirl gonna be a little fucked up about it...but like low key, after.

Cheres - Not effected, and not in the mood. Probably protective if you can answer his riddles correctly or you happen to be his girl, otherwise no thank you. Still working as a messenger, so hit up ya boy to transport supplies and messages.

Rune - Not effected, but more than willing to fight, cause he likes that shit. Catch a bloody viking fucking shit up at every opportunity.

Luciana - Not effected, protecting matty and others at one of the shelters because she feels like this can be her redemption for letting everyone down in the circus and being too compliant.

Kiyan - Effected but unbothered. He enjoys the chaos and happily fights with the ancients. He’s also not going to apologize after so like, sorry not sorry.

Charmaine - Effected, Unser full control of the ancients. Her wolf lineage ties directly to one of them and she is unable to resist, or make any decisions of her own during this time. Probably definitely kills a few people. Whoops.

Tomas - Not effected, fights alongside Arya.

Navena - Not effected, and surprisingly enough she is fighting with the town. She aims to really get her hands dirty, as she was one praised as a matron of war in their religion. Possesses a stranger understanding that a few lives might need to be lost in order to save the rest of the innocent ones.

Tre- Uneffected, says shit like “they aren’t even my real dads” and essentially does whatever Sam is doing (because good dog) and probably doesn’t worry about much of anything.

Miles - Effected, but his love and concern for Fish save him. It is through that bond that he is able to overcome the pull of the ancients and instead never leaves Fish’s side. Really freaking distressed about this and probably has not really stopped crying.

Shivani - Not effected, on some cool blind ass warrior bullshit. Doesn’t help people fight but does help the fight the PULL.

Neels - Not effected, wants to kick an ancient in the dick but would probably BIG DIE. Kind of hanging out in one of the shelters and refusing to touch anyone or really get close to them because he doesn’t want to watch anyone else die.

Wes - Effected, completely under ancient control. Tasked with using his shape shifting to disrupt alliances, safe houses, and to try and convince people to just give in and join the ancients. Basically, a cult leader.

Quinn - Not effected. Chilling with their siblings, watching the whole thing play out, maybe getting involved here and there and really only for their few connections. Using this as a teaching moment because there is more to lust (like power and violence) than sex.

Tai - Effected, but fighting. Trying to keep himself from the pull but he can feel himself slipping. Very well aware that he will probably succumb to it and trying to find a way to stop himself.