#for therapy ive had to write a lot of freeform writing using one word as a base

[technitango]

Hands

Father the memory of you fades away like an old photograph Sepia and crinkled at the edges White lines of age snaking through unfamiliar faces Crooked smiles frayed A long forgotten thing Somehow no matter how much I try to keep you you still slip through my fingers The way blood is slipping through them now where my hands cling onto this rocky precipice Gripping tight but I can't hold this slick edge alone forever I keep thinking you'll reach over any moment now Your hand Firm Reassuring Reliable But your hand in mine is a dismembered thing Cut off at the elbow Bone jutting from the open wound Cold and lifeless Rotting away like zombies flesh The appendage twitching with the aftershocks of draining life Like the way you lived A ghost flitting through the city streets A requiem to bygone days Strumming the strings of your guitar Were you trying to resurrect a youth long gone? Hold me fast Take away these fears and all this anger The anger is vile Builds in my mouth Until i want to vomit you out You're so deeply engraved into my soul What is my soul if not you? Your smile Your laugh The rise and fall of your chest The comfort of your smell my two small hands gripping the fabric of your cotton t-shirt Threadbare and worn out like your energy to keep going You lost the spark that kept you breathing I wanted you to live You wanted to die How long do I have to beg you to stay? I see you in my dreams and you torture me Your face full of warm judgment Your voice I can't even remember Why do I punish myself over and over? Why does the taste of you sting? Where did all the beauty go? It's gone like the beauty of youth The nostalgia and the yearning Cling to me like I cling to you You goddamn fool With your lies and platitudes And your fake smiles I hate them I hate you That's a lie I hate like the way I love and I love like the way I hate Entrapped in your grip and stuck to you like glue I'm drowning Underneath the waves of your being The you that used to exist never existed at all Please let me live I can't live with you holding me like this But if you let me go I'm going to fall I want you to stay I want you to stay Get away from me Never leave me Leave me alone Haunt me Haunt me Haunt me Love me Loved me Leave me Left me