#ftm repressor

[listlessnessss]

[danceordie1]

memorializing my original bio here cuz I want it for archival

This is my attempt at having a life because I cant do anything and my poop is really bad. I'm ftm repressor, obsessed with secrecy, wants to study secrecy and then work in secrecy in the government as a clerical worker. until then, I will continue to read fanfiction, and I will post to see if posting will make me real again. Welcome to my blog. David (this name came to me in a dream from a maternal angel who pushed it into my chest with heavy electrical shocks). I am 24 (still young enough to trans! haha) but I suspect that I might be retarded and nonetheless I should be treated with care and respect when I want to sleep all the time and go on the internet and stink up the house with my YUMMY sardine meals (Oxo)

[listlessnessss]

Is he him, you know, the one that you’ve written about for years? When you’d grown up alone underneath your bed with the lights turned off and the door locked, you pulled out a little book that you’d never let anyone see and frenetically wrote and drew two figures with their hands on each other's faces or in each other's hair or their lips on each other's mouths. You really had no idea what you were doing, and why so badly you only wanted to think of two men. And you, at one point, finally believed that you’d met him and that something would come to life and that he would fuck you with the lights off.

To believe but repeatedly deny that you are simultaneously meeting him and yourself. But knowing that you’ve met neither because in the choice between monotonous and pulsating he is both in the best ways and you in the worst. The rest of the world will never know the ways in which color and light pulsate like an orchestra and a symphony swells like an ocean inside of your mind, and especially not him. Nobody will ever know what happened to you after your disappearance, what happened to your heart after its ignition, how hard it successfully fought against the breaking of your mind. How the right way was when you dressed in men’s clothes and the once-unconscious thought overtook you, that the right way was yourself destroyed by the loneliness. How if there was hope for us, there might have been hope for you, whom he will destroy leaving nothing in his wake. Therefore, contrapositive, if there was never hope for you, there certainly wasn’t hope for you and him. And they’ll never know how it felt like this grand declaration of grief and decay of a neoliberal fantasia but also of the adolescence you’d just completed the wrong way. 

You came into the wrong closet, and identified with the wrong psychological journey, and began believing that you, like them, like him, were supposed to come with brutality. You met from your childhood thoughts your longings for death and violence and horror. 

They’ll never know the things which you’ve imagined, the fantasies after all these years with which you positively identify. Nobody, never him, never even yourself, will know that you liked him more like a man who liked another man than like a woman, and it is something that you’ll take with you to the grave. That you wanted him to do two things instead of one but that he most likely would have done neither, and furthermore, that you’d met neither him nor yourself yet your love letter to him was your suicide note and both would be written but never finished. And what difference would it make?

You don’t even yet know who he is, the skin, the validator light-switch, the warped and distorted double-mirror, for one to be sick and hungry for you was, unbeknownst to you, never possible. 

(2020)

[listlessnessss]

do my fellow autohomoerotics experience anything similar?

alloandrophilic life cycle:

1.alloandrophilia predictably hits, target is typically a cis man, sometimes a deeply repressed proto-trans woman (it’s easier when it’s parasocial but unfortunately it’s IRL sometimes—sometimes like a lesbian, i choose an unavailable one). the feeling is good, typically, and i have auto-androphilia for him, too. the kind of man i’m attracted to is usually one i��d want to emulate. also the fantasies are super predictably auto-homoerotic as fuck (the idea is i’d also be a guy)

2.I learn that i’m objectively inferior to him because i am (and sometimes it’s because he’s normie in addition to male) i used to approach, but have given that up in recent years after repeated rejections. i get angry, internally, but don’t let it go anywhere. violent thoughts towards myself and others, inc. target. he would also never accommodate my delusions, my sexuality is estrogenic so i think about the future and realize that obviously anyone who is attracted to me is attracted to women and not to autohomoerotic ftms. my blackpills tell me that even well adjusted bi men wouldn’t.(this is due to my horrible personality, so it’s specific to me) i absolutely cannot approach my latest target, it would be inviable due to other unrelated incompatibilities but i won’t get too into that—doesn’t stop the cycle from proceeding.

3.i have thoughts of suicide every day. i rarely can cry, but then i do. (i’m not on testosterone or anything i’m just repressing) for how long these thoughts last depends on how far it got with my delusions. i’m really good at making the cycle go by quickly—classic comphet, i guess i have this in common w the type 1’s. but when i actually have gotten the opportunity to be one of his orbiters, it lasts longer—i’m usually so inferior to his other orbiters. i feel guilty for implicating him.

4.i retreat into a ground state of asexuality, hyper-romantic fanfic-tropey bihet female sexuality. this is my equilibriated comfort zone. of course, i still repress and carry in me intense cross-sex desires. i realize that i am too highly feminine in my thinking- i catch feelings, i’m emotional as fuck, i’m fembrained as all hell, not built for what i perceive from across the cultural and physiological aisle as the casual, animalistic, cult of physical beauty which everything about my socialization and my nerdy femcel predilections has told me i would never in a million years fit into (and on this point i’m right). I have a horrible body and personality, so i find myself falling back on the tropes of cis womanhood when realistically thinking of enticing targets, where almost zero for (gay ftms? they/them perhaps?) exist. I start recovering from my fixation on my alloandrophilic target, and make a return to woman with a private daydream.

written just now in a moment of self-awareness i think… like genuinely what the fuck is wrong.

is this just suicidal or am i a lesbian all along. do others… like me… experience something similar… is this what it feels like to supposed to have been a man yet have a sex drive dominated by estrogen or is this a secret 3rd worse thing? or AUTISM probably? this should be included in a write-up on autistic girls and how we think. i’m throwing things at the wall in the hopes something sticks wrt my guesses here.

is is just me?

[listlessnessss]

i think a real man would cure my ROGD... but in the other direction... i'd be trans for real

[listlessnessss]

I was discussing one of my blackpills among the repressor oracle and realized that transmasculinity has nothing to say and nothing to contribute to masculinity classic. It doesn't propose any sort of conceptual threat to men, as we try and climb up a ladder rather than take an immediate redpill, at least conceptually, there is no way for a woman to 'become a man' in any sense without the effort. (This and it being harder to be a trans woman are why ftm reppers are rarer, btw.)

This is why, in tandem with the lack of obligate social cohesion amongst males (with exceptions for marginalized male groups), many of us revert to woman in some sense. It has nothing to do with the inherent cunning duplicity and disingenuousness or illigetimacy of the individuals involved. The male alliance doesn't naturally exist and has to be artificially engineered to ideological ends or to attempt to fill some sort of need, either by the right or the left wing (toxic masculinity as a term wasn't created by complaining feminist women but rather a leftie men's 'alliance' type group, originally)-- when leftie men do this and discuss its intersections with trans, they mean the possibility that some of the men among them are... not... transfemininity poses a conceptual threat to men with which cis men must contend, and they're right to try, yes. they're not speaking to nor about ftms, the assumption is an automatic understanding with the group of origin(women) with queer people in general or a self-selecting tguy space. I'd argue that points one and two are obviously not always true but are for some reason taken as a given, and option three is a viable solution, but let's not pretend that masculinity is under any current social nor political pressure to absorb, it has not been taken to the same task that womanhood or feminism has. Yes, I mentioned that the marginalized group alliance thing exist for the males, too, and wouldn't ftms be that? Yes, you would think, but one must contend with the nature of that marginalization which is precisely that ftms are "not men". So unlike other groups, the 'base case default' of "trans" is not 'trans men'.

It is so funny to watch theorists self-styled or otherwise (go on trans twitter to see examples of this or read that medium article on 'trans masc misogyny and the red six of spades' for a summary) try so hard to avoid the next logical conclusion of 'trans women are women, and as evidence of this, they're victims of misogyny'... this argument has successfully been made, and I agree. But I also sort of think that both trans women and trans men are women and nobody on the left will ever say that but that's my blackpill. It is not a physiological blackpill, though I could spin the phrenology wheel of fortune but that's played out by every other shitty self hating trans person... this is a social, cultural, political blackpill. Again, as I've said, you may want the impossible, yes, but I will not use that against you, I will want the impossible with you and for you.

back to the medium article, it ends like this, after arguing that there's no specifically trans masculine experience: "Living on a border can mean feeling connected to everything and everybody. It can also mean feeling like nothing and nobody, particularly when the dominant culture refuses to admit that you exist. I believe it is the underlying threat of zero-ness — that fear of being canceled out, rendered unthinkable and illegible — that drives much shitty trans masc behavior." I'd argee with the author, but I'd say that the threat of nothingness and lack of conceptual existence has for us already materialized, and has been happening since forever. Curiously, no solutions to this problem are offered, but I think even though it's entierly mired in the nuances of twitter arguents between milennial microceleb wannabe public intellectual types, a culture which I couldn't give less of a fuck about personally, it's an interesting musing on the same problem.

I refuse to blame trans women for this problem, btw. And I will always acknowledge that I will always have it easier in general. But I think that the woobification and aggressively un-political and un-sexualized nature of 'transmasculine culture' is obligate, in that lack of any narrative at all and lack of a politically justifiable positive identification and lack of visibility does translate to material effects (we're more likely than not to eventually try out suicide: look it up) that memeified infantile complaints of 'erasure' don't do justice.

but I'm a dumb repressor and a self-identified autohomoerotic and a trender and a theyfab and refuse to just be butch and a faggot and have no lesbian past and am also a privileged bitch so idk.

[listlessnessss]

i don’t always get political w it because i do feel like questions of desire and legitimacy pollute the logistics, i’m not about to beg trutrans (that now is taken to mean ‘no longer pretrans/repressed’, btw) people for things when i need to be a better “cis”ally to them, and i’m only sorting out desire and legitimacy. i understand how politically and personally offputting i can be, as a concept, to actual trans ppl. yet of course those desires are deeply political in nature, but i don’t see how politics can be just this stand-in for desire that alludes to desire when transmasculine desire is a thing that doesn’t yet exist politically because it’s denied/dismissed as something else or actively derided as the purview of [some kind of privilege]. i was a tiktok theyfab in 2020-22 and often saw people’s transmasculine desire dissected apart down to each of its components and exposed for how fucked up their desires are, all the things (fatphobic, racist, a white-woman fragility moment, homophobic, transmisogynistic) but the thing is, i don’t even think that *all* of those critiques are unwarranted, but one is left to wonder… since i assume everyone “in my orbit”(that’s what it’s called, i think, lmao) on here is at least tertiarily involved with the project of creating a coherent if-and-only-if, divergent-not-convergent, transmasculine sense of meaning/narrative where one is severely lacking or entirely absent (think: why is there no ftm whipping girl? and take it as a challenge) without being this logical so-as-follows ‘mirror counterpart’ to transfemininity NOR incredibly butch cis women, because those sets of comparisons are bound in many important ways to be false, to not apply. this is where the TQ complaint of ‘erasure’ is a real thing, even if 14 y/o’s feeling invalidated in the moment don’t exactly articulate its further implications very well. my point is/was when i was deep in tiktok theyfabbery, is a perfect feminist politic a mandatory prerequisite to creating such a narrative? (think about the particular moral mandate along the lines of ‘being a man is about respecting women’: yes, yes absolutely you need to, but without it, does one cease to be a man? or are you now this empty, voided, “masc-not-butch” “nonbinary is just a negation, it’s not a thing” person having your white woman moments, having your cake and eating it too) everyone agrees that the edgy teenage phase of many newer trans people is offputting and uncanny, albeit necessary for growth and development, but i do wonder if coming out the other end of transmasculinity therefore becomes this careful disavowal, deliberately manufactured to be apolitical and uncontroversial, and if political, aligned with feminism the way lesbians are. i also find the tMRA shit, (MRAshit wrapped in a toothpaste flag) to be weird and offputting and not ideal politically and evidence of a total unawareness of how one is perceived. thinking about that tweet that said “it is not up to ftms to fix masculinity, go to the gym lol” and if you want, you should, you can, but an implication is that by virtue of who we are and what we want, we are particularly ill-equipped to be able to simultaneously take it seriously wrt ourselves while also being capable of meaningfully contributing to philosophy, discourse, (culture) politics without leaving ourselves behind in some way. if that’s not the other classic TQ complaint of “infantilization”, then i’m not sure what is. it’s put up or shut up, and if you knew me, you’d find that i shut up in real life, as is ideal while i’m in a proto- state and still politically uncanny and incoherent. while i myself am a gaymaxxer(my cope is that i’m in part like this because i’m gay-male-ideated not because i WNBAM),

i found that i became far more robustly left wing and feminist and all that once i stopped trying to think about myself as a cis woman, once i listened to disk horse on “toxic masculinity” and “male loneliness epidemic” shit, i see some breadtuber spaces as having struggled with creating a similar meaning/story for cis men that isn’t just anti-woman. i also heard there that pre-leftist cis men were afraid of, but had to make peace with, the supposed threat that transfemininity posed to the security of their gender identity and expression, and of those who remain men, some get to realize that they’re queer. I heard quite deep and meaningful comparisons made between cis women’s and trans women’s lives and struggles for meaning. the matrix style gender theory, “fuck gender, be a woman”, was all of our redpill, however hard to swallow. but of nobody’s fault but my own, i was at this time beginning to not internally identify as a woman, and realized that there’s no such thing as a transmasculine redpill. still no story, still no sense of meaning, still I should learn to feel/be the butch or be like the other girls and okay with that, a thing i’m just not and never was. transmasculine desire is still shameful and unspeakable as is the opposite in any other part of life and the political landscape—

i can identify this problem, yes, but i’m not smart enough nor in real life enough nor materially affected enough to be an ideal candidate to begin to create the solution, but i think the boy hypno content is a step in the right direction, for sure, though there may yet be unforeseen social/political consequences.

[listlessnessss]

tfw your style of dress which you discovered in 2019 to be uniquely male without necessarily being 1. hypermasculine or 2. tied to lesbian subcultures, breaches containment and gets adopted by other theyfabs with 'gender envy' but because you're ugly and not small and don't do makeup and don't giggle or pitch your voice up you get coded as a girl who doesn't know fashion as you age out of masc-not-butch youthful lesbian assumptions... instead of a visionary, an ironic adopter of pathetic masculinity, a gay boy trapped in the life and body of a female, to be delivering onto the masses a grand sort of trajecomedy, to be building up to a sophisticated joke, with the way you dress.

BTW i do NOT hate theyfabs who get reabsorbed into the heterosexual dating pool. This isn't about who has real gender dysphoria or AAP-- I think a lot of them have the same problems that I do, except adapted a fembrain as an elaborate social mask whereas that was never provided to me because I grew up very tall and strong relative to my agegroup and my mother was not like other girls and gave me inconsistent feminine instruction PLUS i adapted the 'smart so i don't have to be pretty' socioecological niche, but we've both got autism!

If you are not me, if you wanted the things I was given but were denied, I see the deep humanity in your struggle, as I'd hope you do mine.

[listlessnessss]

necessary blackpills

1.you are not born this way(maybe not, idk you) but it will still never change (accepted!)

2.you’re on your own before and during, potentially after if you have a terrible personality like I do. it’s not a guaranteed ability to relate to others, but it’s how you’d be able to start to try (pretty much accepted)

3.you might never BAx and you cannot know if you’ll end up clocky, but on a physiological level transition might still be preferable to your happiness, even at a massive social cost-that is the problem, that is the thing worth combatting from a political perspective. you could be nonbinary but it still wouldn’t negate your apparent desire/need. (not yet reckoned with)

4.you might regret it even if you end up passing and have to go detrans, but that’s fine, just don’t be transphobic about it when it’s you in 10y (not yet reckoned with)

pessimistic optimism about the logistics of repression. now on to the “emotions” surrounding it. no such thing as “legitimacy” as an inherent property one possesses or lacks, but nowadays “legitimacy” is judged based on actions, where one is not considered “legitimate” until they transition. don’t listen to what twitterers think is politically viable/inviable, listen to yourself, anon.

[listlessnessss]

probably a betrayal of the genre to be more sad with it

[listlessnessss]

is there some continuum between a sad nerdy genuinely androphilic fujo type of girl and lou sullivan? when i was a bit younger there was nothing except a chasm of depravity, because gay ftms all come from the lesbian to gay man pipeline i literally knew like 3 people on it. i also knew that i had a dark sick perversion before learning about “autohomoeroticism” a couple yrs ago. so like i’m down w the idea of the straight theyfab. although the “same sex attracted” crowd is like 9/11ing itself over it. but at least i don’t claim oppression.

imagine if people who know me IRL end up being right about me being a lesbian in deep denial or a straight woman who doesn’t know how to live in a society: i’ll have to do something big to repent!

[listlessnessss]

in this shithole society if you’ve gotten your haircut nobody cares whether you’re a butch or a gayden, all that matters is

1.do you agree with [whoever’s asking] politically?

2.testosterone or no?

-if at least one of these conditions is not satisfied then you’re not (yet) trans

butch autoandrophiles🤝autohomoerotic gaydens

my latest deranged portmanteau that i’ve come up with to convey the little material difference between the two is “gayfab” btw and the lesbian vs. gay man pinterest art “controversy” illustrates this well, all i’ll say.

[listlessnessss]

i’m so terrified of waking up in 20 years to find that i’ve become just like that one lockheed martin nepo baby. i hate that i see myself in him. anyway fight club is my repper movie

[listlessnessss]

i am autoandrogynemorphophobic

[listlessnessss]

when you accidentally use 'autoandrophilia' around the 'gender envy' friendgroup

or

when you accidentally use 'ftm repressor' around gang 'i wish i was born a male'

[listlessnessss]

about

i'm just here because my people are

i'm an autohomoerotic/type 2 (actually, the mirror inverse of group 3, as was astutely pointed out to me)

i'm an early 20something incel

i make fun of bad discourse

please use your media literacy and comprehension skills

oh and the tags: generally,

hashtag autoandrophile is self-explanatory,

hashtag autohomerotic is as well (gay man specifically)

hashtag TQ brainrot is for when I'm acting like a tenderqueer,

hashtag ftm repressor is for talking about repression

hashtag brainworms is for being brainwormed in that way iykyk